How do I tell my friend that he's too stubborn?
August 25, 2015 10:29 AM Subscribe
My friend is the coach and manager of our amateur sports team - let's call him Jim. Some of the other people who are still on the management team have complained to me in private that they are frustrated with Jim because of how stubborn he is and stuck in his ways. I'm trying to recruit another coach to help Jim, but he's reluctant too. I have a call with Jim tonight. What should I say?
More details inside.
Our amateur sports team lost half its members last year, and another half of the remainder at the start of this year. The first round was because all the super competitive people left to form an SuperStar team. The second round was because our team became a lot less fun after the first round left. Our team is very much in danger of imploding - we don't meet the minimums for competition events and have to beg/borrow from other teams. We are now in a vicious spiral.
Last year, Jim became the head coach of the team when all the superstars left. He was supposed to have an assistant coach - Fred. They were both the most (and only!) qualified people left to coach. Immediately, Jim and Fred got into a public argument that I witnessed over a decision during practice. Both were in the wrong IMO, but Jim was slightly more wrong for pushing it further. Fred quit the next week and left to another team.
So Jim has been carrying the team on his own in many ways. I am thankful for this.
In the past few months, Jim has also developed a problematic health condition - and has been somewhat ambiguous about what he wants to do for the remainder about this year, and next year.
Now, an experienced member from the past (Bob) has surfaced and saw the sorry state that our team is in. I'm trying to pull in Bob to see if is willing to be a coach - maybe even the head coach. But Bob is reluctant to consider this because (to quote) "Jim can be difficult to work with."
I brought this up to some of the other management team members (I'm not one) and I heard from another (Maggie) that he's frustrated because Jim insists on utilizing this super complicated but performant/secure system to manage our website (hosted on Jim's personal account), but the learning curve is steep - and no one else can access it. Maggie has some great ideas for content, but needs Jim to agree to switch web CMS systems to something easier.
I'm personal friends with Jim. He's a groomsman at my upcoming wedding. I also know that even on a personal level he can be very dogmatic/stubborn.
I have a call with Jim tonight. I'd like to ask him to be less stubborn and difficult to work with. I appreciate his efforts in keeping our team afloat, and I'd like him to stay on - but I need him to relent on some things so that others can feel more comfortable about contributing.
How should I go about doing this?
Our amateur sports team lost half its members last year, and another half of the remainder at the start of this year. The first round was because all the super competitive people left to form an SuperStar team. The second round was because our team became a lot less fun after the first round left. Our team is very much in danger of imploding - we don't meet the minimums for competition events and have to beg/borrow from other teams. We are now in a vicious spiral.
Last year, Jim became the head coach of the team when all the superstars left. He was supposed to have an assistant coach - Fred. They were both the most (and only!) qualified people left to coach. Immediately, Jim and Fred got into a public argument that I witnessed over a decision during practice. Both were in the wrong IMO, but Jim was slightly more wrong for pushing it further. Fred quit the next week and left to another team.
So Jim has been carrying the team on his own in many ways. I am thankful for this.
In the past few months, Jim has also developed a problematic health condition - and has been somewhat ambiguous about what he wants to do for the remainder about this year, and next year.
Now, an experienced member from the past (Bob) has surfaced and saw the sorry state that our team is in. I'm trying to pull in Bob to see if is willing to be a coach - maybe even the head coach. But Bob is reluctant to consider this because (to quote) "Jim can be difficult to work with."
I brought this up to some of the other management team members (I'm not one) and I heard from another (Maggie) that he's frustrated because Jim insists on utilizing this super complicated but performant/secure system to manage our website (hosted on Jim's personal account), but the learning curve is steep - and no one else can access it. Maggie has some great ideas for content, but needs Jim to agree to switch web CMS systems to something easier.
I'm personal friends with Jim. He's a groomsman at my upcoming wedding. I also know that even on a personal level he can be very dogmatic/stubborn.
I have a call with Jim tonight. I'd like to ask him to be less stubborn and difficult to work with. I appreciate his efforts in keeping our team afloat, and I'd like him to stay on - but I need him to relent on some things so that others can feel more comfortable about contributing.
How should I go about doing this?
"Jim, I've spoken with a couple of people who would be great additions to the management team, but they say that they don't feel they would be a match for your strong opinions on how to handle the team. Well, you can be pretty attached to your own ideas, and not everyone wants to take on the challenge of getting you to see things a different way so they'd rather just take a pass on the whole thing. "
"Are you saying I'm stubborn and hard to get along with?"
"I think you want the best for the team and that you genuinely believe that your ideas are the best. Not everyone agrees that your ideas are the best 100% of the time. I think if you could see your way clear to accept that other people also have good ideas, then we could put together a great management team."
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:25 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Are you saying I'm stubborn and hard to get along with?"
"I think you want the best for the team and that you genuinely believe that your ideas are the best. Not everyone agrees that your ideas are the best 100% of the time. I think if you could see your way clear to accept that other people also have good ideas, then we could put together a great management team."
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:25 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am assuming you feel that your friendship is more important than $team and this answer is with that in mind.
I don't think this is something you can achieve with one call. I would start by asking him open ended questions to establish his perspective on issues. e.g. "Boy, I love playing on $team, but it's been a tough year. How have you been finding coaching?" or "Being head coach on your own must be really tiring. Have you thought about having someone else take on more admin-type tasks like the website? I hear Maggie has tons of experience with that kind of thing"
You have the advantage of your friendship as proof that you're not interested in an adversarial relationship with him. I would use that friendship to create a safe space for him to sound out his perspective and tease things out, rather than abusing it to get him to do what the players/management team want.
Don't try to persuade him of anything, just engage him in neutral conversation about what OTHER people think. Like "I wonder if..." or "How do you find...?" You're not on the management team and ARE his friend, and are therefore neutral. Use this wisely!
posted by bimbam at 11:33 AM on August 25, 2015 [15 favorites]
I don't think this is something you can achieve with one call. I would start by asking him open ended questions to establish his perspective on issues. e.g. "Boy, I love playing on $team, but it's been a tough year. How have you been finding coaching?" or "Being head coach on your own must be really tiring. Have you thought about having someone else take on more admin-type tasks like the website? I hear Maggie has tons of experience with that kind of thing"
You have the advantage of your friendship as proof that you're not interested in an adversarial relationship with him. I would use that friendship to create a safe space for him to sound out his perspective and tease things out, rather than abusing it to get him to do what the players/management team want.
Don't try to persuade him of anything, just engage him in neutral conversation about what OTHER people think. Like "I wonder if..." or "How do you find...?" You're not on the management team and ARE his friend, and are therefore neutral. Use this wisely!
posted by bimbam at 11:33 AM on August 25, 2015 [15 favorites]
agree w bimbam - if he's your friend, this is more a beer conversation, slowly, than anything else.
i have a call
i've done this kind of thing over the phone, but only with people that i talk to a lot over the phone. it helps if you can get to a place where you're confessing something yourself. you want to be equals - you're not this guy's boss (or maybe you are, in which case it's a lot easier, but don't call it friendship).
posted by andrewcooke at 11:41 AM on August 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
i have a call
i've done this kind of thing over the phone, but only with people that i talk to a lot over the phone. it helps if you can get to a place where you're confessing something yourself. you want to be equals - you're not this guy's boss (or maybe you are, in which case it's a lot easier, but don't call it friendship).
posted by andrewcooke at 11:41 AM on August 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
The number one rule of negotiating is to make him think it's his idea. Give him the problem, and ask what he thinks you should do to solve it. Also, use this template:
"I'm hearing you say you like things like x. That's fine, we can do things like x. However, the consequence of doing things like x will be y and z. Y and Z may cause q to happen." (Q is something he genuinely does not want.)
posted by quincunx at 3:59 PM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
"I'm hearing you say you like things like x. That's fine, we can do things like x. However, the consequence of doing things like x will be y and z. Y and Z may cause q to happen." (Q is something he genuinely does not want.)
posted by quincunx at 3:59 PM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by xingcat at 10:34 AM on August 25, 2015