I think my boyfriend of 7 months is cheating on me. Thoughts?
August 11, 2015 1:56 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend of seven months has recently been distant, and lied to me about spending time with another girl, then got defensive when I called his bluff. I have little experience with this. More inside.
I asked this question about 6/7 months back, and have remained with this guy since. We’ve had a mostly happy, but sometimes tumultuous relationship, and over the past 2 months, he’s grown increasingly distant. Our fights have largely dealt with him being insecure or not trusting me, for no apparent reason. He’s been unemployed for awhile, so I’ve attributed it to being depressed, but we haven’t had sex for over a month (something else we fought about, but he shut down because it felt “demanding” to him and I was “being manipulative.”) He has a pattern of not taking me seriously when I bring up most issues; he’ll get defensive, then apologize a day or two later for hurting my feelings and be normal again. We’ve been able to work through our communication issues recently, until last night.
I was looking through photos on Instagram last night tagged from a recent trip, and noticed he was tagged in one from last week—with a girl he previously had mentioned was a very distant friend. It seems they spent the entire day together at the beach (alone. She posted it, not him.) It was on a day he told me he’d spent at home. This is someone I had expressed jealousy over before, but hopefully in a healthy way, ("hey, who's this hot chick commenting on all your stuff? Ah, a friend of so-and-so's, cool,") and he had responded neutrally.
I texted him that I’d like to meet, or talk on the phone, and he insisted on communicating via text. I hate resolving emotional issues that way, but did so anyway. It then turned into a text fight which led to him calling me jealous, controlling, and somehow insinuating that I was in the wrong. He told me he has “a life outside of me that he doesn’t tell me about, because it’s his own” and he doesn’t like feeling like he needs to tell me every little thing—which I have never asked for. I want him to live his own life, and give him the freedom to do so. The weird thing is, he's the one usually checking up on me. If i don't reply to a text message in the evening within about an hour, he calls, and usually wants to know what I'm doing. I'm not the same way.
He told me he didn’t tell me about the beach trip because “I would have been jealous.” While I get that, I feel that the lying in the situation is the worst part. I actually would have been fine if he wanted to go off on a beach day, but I’m not ok with being lied to. He swears up and down, and has since the relationship started, that he’s never cheated on me nor wanted to. But I’m worried that his extremely defensive reaction means I actually do have something to fear. I’m contemplating breaking up with him regardless, as the lying has deeply unsettled me.
Anyone have experience with this?
I asked this question about 6/7 months back, and have remained with this guy since. We’ve had a mostly happy, but sometimes tumultuous relationship, and over the past 2 months, he’s grown increasingly distant. Our fights have largely dealt with him being insecure or not trusting me, for no apparent reason. He’s been unemployed for awhile, so I’ve attributed it to being depressed, but we haven’t had sex for over a month (something else we fought about, but he shut down because it felt “demanding” to him and I was “being manipulative.”) He has a pattern of not taking me seriously when I bring up most issues; he’ll get defensive, then apologize a day or two later for hurting my feelings and be normal again. We’ve been able to work through our communication issues recently, until last night.
I was looking through photos on Instagram last night tagged from a recent trip, and noticed he was tagged in one from last week—with a girl he previously had mentioned was a very distant friend. It seems they spent the entire day together at the beach (alone. She posted it, not him.) It was on a day he told me he’d spent at home. This is someone I had expressed jealousy over before, but hopefully in a healthy way, ("hey, who's this hot chick commenting on all your stuff? Ah, a friend of so-and-so's, cool,") and he had responded neutrally.
I texted him that I’d like to meet, or talk on the phone, and he insisted on communicating via text. I hate resolving emotional issues that way, but did so anyway. It then turned into a text fight which led to him calling me jealous, controlling, and somehow insinuating that I was in the wrong. He told me he has “a life outside of me that he doesn’t tell me about, because it’s his own” and he doesn’t like feeling like he needs to tell me every little thing—which I have never asked for. I want him to live his own life, and give him the freedom to do so. The weird thing is, he's the one usually checking up on me. If i don't reply to a text message in the evening within about an hour, he calls, and usually wants to know what I'm doing. I'm not the same way.
He told me he didn’t tell me about the beach trip because “I would have been jealous.” While I get that, I feel that the lying in the situation is the worst part. I actually would have been fine if he wanted to go off on a beach day, but I’m not ok with being lied to. He swears up and down, and has since the relationship started, that he’s never cheated on me nor wanted to. But I’m worried that his extremely defensive reaction means I actually do have something to fear. I’m contemplating breaking up with him regardless, as the lying has deeply unsettled me.
Anyone have experience with this?
By the time I was halfway through your story, I had a question for you: Do you see yourself staying with this guy? I bet you don't, and I bet nobody else here does either. Cut him loose.
posted by zadcat at 2:01 PM on August 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 2:01 PM on August 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
Does it matter if he's cheating? He sounds like a dick. What are you getting out of this?
posted by phunniemee at 2:02 PM on August 11, 2015 [32 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 2:02 PM on August 11, 2015 [32 favorites]
Run. Away. Now.
He's gaslighting you, and trying to convince you that you're the one who's being crazy or jealous or whatever, when in fact, he's a lying, manipulative piece of shite.
Did I mention that you should Run Away Now?
Yeah. Do that.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 2:03 PM on August 11, 2015 [52 favorites]
He's gaslighting you, and trying to convince you that you're the one who's being crazy or jealous or whatever, when in fact, he's a lying, manipulative piece of shite.
Did I mention that you should Run Away Now?
Yeah. Do that.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 2:03 PM on August 11, 2015 [52 favorites]
I agree with the other commenters that it doesn't matter if he's technically cheating on you, he's a liar and a jerk and you should take care of yourself and stomp the dust from your feet.
But to answer your question, yes, I have had experience in this realm, and yes, it's very likely he's cheating or about to cheat on you.
posted by Specklet at 2:05 PM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
But to answer your question, yes, I have had experience in this realm, and yes, it's very likely he's cheating or about to cheat on you.
posted by Specklet at 2:05 PM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
You don't trust him, nothing you say indicates that you have particular trust/jealousy issues, and you're not having sex. Sounds pretty unfun for a still-new relationship.
Cut your losses. You don't need proof for the reason to be "This doesn't seem to be working out."
posted by vunder at 2:06 PM on August 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
Cut your losses. You don't need proof for the reason to be "This doesn't seem to be working out."
posted by vunder at 2:06 PM on August 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
He told me he has “a life outside of me that he doesn’t tell me about, because it’s his own” and he doesn’t like feeling like he needs to tell me every little thing
Ha! That's exactly what my cheating boyfriend used to say!
Word-for-word out of the cheater's handbook.
And oh yeah, I also was told I had a jealousy problem and my lack of stability was ruining the relationship. That's called gaslighting, by the way. It felt horrible, like I was being erased as a person.
Please, please, please don't spare this shitheel another second of your time.
posted by Squeak Attack at 2:10 PM on August 11, 2015 [61 favorites]
Ha! That's exactly what my cheating boyfriend used to say!
Word-for-word out of the cheater's handbook.
And oh yeah, I also was told I had a jealousy problem and my lack of stability was ruining the relationship. That's called gaslighting, by the way. It felt horrible, like I was being erased as a person.
Please, please, please don't spare this shitheel another second of your time.
posted by Squeak Attack at 2:10 PM on August 11, 2015 [61 favorites]
He's passive aggressively leaving the relationship so that you'll be forced to actually say it is over and he can be his own little hero. End it. Find someone who deserves your attention.
posted by meinvt at 2:11 PM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by meinvt at 2:11 PM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
If i don't reply to a text message in the evening within about an hour, he calls, and usually wants to know what I'm doing.
Gross.
There's a way to have your own life and hang out with your platonic female friends, and it's called being upfront and honest with your girlfriend about what you want to do and not being a squirrely little liar about it. The smart money is on "already cheating," "trying to cheat," or "grooming his next girlfriend for whom he will dump you once he feels he's got her in the bag," but even if none of those scenarios are true he's still acting like a creep and a jerk.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:17 PM on August 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
Gross.
There's a way to have your own life and hang out with your platonic female friends, and it's called being upfront and honest with your girlfriend about what you want to do and not being a squirrely little liar about it. The smart money is on "already cheating," "trying to cheat," or "grooming his next girlfriend for whom he will dump you once he feels he's got her in the bag," but even if none of those scenarios are true he's still acting like a creep and a jerk.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:17 PM on August 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
You haven't even made it out of the honeymoon phase of your relationship where your brain chemistry is all fucked up and everything seems better than it is.
posted by srboisvert at 2:21 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 2:21 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
He's a lying gaslighter. You can do better.
posted by heathrowga at 2:28 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by heathrowga at 2:28 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
He's not your boyfriend anymore if he's not willing to call you or talk to you. He's a massive tool and dead to you, starting now. Be done with him. He's being so disrespectful and unkind. He is your ex now, okay?
You don't even have to tell him it's over. He won't communicate? Don't waste a text on that guy telling him you're done. As I mentioned before, he's dead to all of us now.
Start meeting and dating other guys, like tonight.
posted by discopolo at 2:36 PM on August 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
You don't even have to tell him it's over. He won't communicate? Don't waste a text on that guy telling him you're done. As I mentioned before, he's dead to all of us now.
Start meeting and dating other guys, like tonight.
posted by discopolo at 2:36 PM on August 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
And block him on your phone.
posted by discopolo at 2:40 PM on August 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 2:40 PM on August 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
Trust your gut here. Drop him and don't look back.
posted by SisterHavana at 2:43 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by SisterHavana at 2:43 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree with the others on the lying, but also: you've been together only 7 months, already you've gone one month without sex and are having to "work" on your relationship? Thats a lot of issues for a very new relationship. Throw in the lying and it seems like it should be time to move on.
posted by thefoxgod at 2:57 PM on August 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by thefoxgod at 2:57 PM on August 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
In my experience, almost anything can be forgiven in a relationship unless you find yourself in a situation where the person tries to make you feel bad about yourself whether you're right or not... this is probably something they will NEVER ever change. They will keep doing so, and it will get progressively worse. I say run. Don't think twice about it. Don't try to make it work. This person is highly damaging.
posted by SkinsOfCoconut at 3:03 PM on August 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by SkinsOfCoconut at 3:03 PM on August 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
(1) no sex + (2) too much checking on your activities and whereabouts + (3) tells lies to cover up that he spent a day at the beach with a beautiful woman (clearly, not just a friend of a friend) + (4) doesn't handle emotional conflict in a healthy way (won't even talk to you?) + (5) has grown emotionally distant over the last two months = a guy you should dump. You don't even have to get to the possible cheating, though that sure sounds like a possibility.
posted by Area Man at 3:06 PM on August 11, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by Area Man at 3:06 PM on August 11, 2015 [14 favorites]
Our fights have largely dealt with him being insecure or not trusting me, for no apparent reason.
... we haven’t had sex for over a month (something else we fought about, but he shut down because it felt “demanding” to him and I was “being manipulative.”)
He has a pattern of not taking me seriously when I bring up most issues...
It seems they spent the entire day together at the beach... on a day he told me he’d spent at home.
...he insisted on communicating via text. I hate resolving emotional issues that way, but did so anyway.
...calling me jealous, controlling, and somehow insinuating that I was in the wrong.
...he doesn’t like feeling like he needs to tell me every little thing—which I have never asked for.
If i don't reply to a text message in the evening within about an hour, he calls, and usually wants to know what I'm doing.
Your boyfriend treats you like shit. He ignores, invalidates, dismisses, belittles, and straight-up attacks your needs, while you bend over backwards trying to respect and fulfill his. He falsely accuses you of things to shift your attention from the fact that he's actually doing them. His behaviour, as you have described it, is textbook emotional abuse, regardless of whether or not he's actually cheating on you (but he is almost certainly cheating on you).
I honestly can't tell whether you realize this, so just in case: you deserve so much better than this. Respectfully, you need to kick this guy to the curb, lose his number, and hold off on dating anyone else until you've raised your standards for how a partner should treat you. None of this is okay.
posted by Zozo at 3:16 PM on August 11, 2015 [29 favorites]
... we haven’t had sex for over a month (something else we fought about, but he shut down because it felt “demanding” to him and I was “being manipulative.”)
He has a pattern of not taking me seriously when I bring up most issues...
It seems they spent the entire day together at the beach... on a day he told me he’d spent at home.
...he insisted on communicating via text. I hate resolving emotional issues that way, but did so anyway.
...calling me jealous, controlling, and somehow insinuating that I was in the wrong.
...he doesn’t like feeling like he needs to tell me every little thing—which I have never asked for.
If i don't reply to a text message in the evening within about an hour, he calls, and usually wants to know what I'm doing.
Your boyfriend treats you like shit. He ignores, invalidates, dismisses, belittles, and straight-up attacks your needs, while you bend over backwards trying to respect and fulfill his. He falsely accuses you of things to shift your attention from the fact that he's actually doing them. His behaviour, as you have described it, is textbook emotional abuse, regardless of whether or not he's actually cheating on you (but he is almost certainly cheating on you).
I honestly can't tell whether you realize this, so just in case: you deserve so much better than this. Respectfully, you need to kick this guy to the curb, lose his number, and hold off on dating anyone else until you've raised your standards for how a partner should treat you. None of this is okay.
posted by Zozo at 3:16 PM on August 11, 2015 [29 favorites]
OK here's a fun story. So my ex who was cheating on me and who was a compulsive liar, who knew that I did not give one big fuck who he slept with but I did give a great big fuck about being lied to, lied lied lied to me. After we split up, he wanted to "talk" so we met and he's all wah wah why don't you want to be with me any more.
And I said, because you're a liar that's why.
And he said, what are you even talking about.
I said, I asked you if you were married and you said no, but you had to get 'divorced' because you were in an official 'domestic partnership', as I found out in public court records.
He said, right I wasn't married.
I said, that is just really fucked up. You don't even see that you lied to me?
He said, I had to lie -- look how you're reacting to the truth!
You know, if it weren't so funny I'd be pissed off I even agreed to meet up with him.
This guy loved to lie so much that he would lie when it would be EASIER to tell the truth. It took me forever to figure out, but I'm pretty sure he was just hooked on the rush of almost getting caught in a lie but being able to bluff his way out of it. I was in therapy, at times up to 4 times a week, while I was with him, but when I ended it, my need for therapy disappeared. Just *poof!* like that. Being with a liar is the single worst thing you can do for your mental health.
Don't wonder or worry about whether he's cheating on you. The question is: do you trust him? If you don't, leave. Period. End of story. If you don't leave, you will turn into someone you hate. You'll be tempted to look through his phone or through his computer history. Do you want to be that person? I didn't, and the minute I found myself thinking that I could cut to the chase with a quick look at his phone, I said I'm done.
posted by janey47 at 3:28 PM on August 11, 2015 [27 favorites]
And I said, because you're a liar that's why.
And he said, what are you even talking about.
I said, I asked you if you were married and you said no, but you had to get 'divorced' because you were in an official 'domestic partnership', as I found out in public court records.
He said, right I wasn't married.
I said, that is just really fucked up. You don't even see that you lied to me?
He said, I had to lie -- look how you're reacting to the truth!
You know, if it weren't so funny I'd be pissed off I even agreed to meet up with him.
This guy loved to lie so much that he would lie when it would be EASIER to tell the truth. It took me forever to figure out, but I'm pretty sure he was just hooked on the rush of almost getting caught in a lie but being able to bluff his way out of it. I was in therapy, at times up to 4 times a week, while I was with him, but when I ended it, my need for therapy disappeared. Just *poof!* like that. Being with a liar is the single worst thing you can do for your mental health.
Don't wonder or worry about whether he's cheating on you. The question is: do you trust him? If you don't, leave. Period. End of story. If you don't leave, you will turn into someone you hate. You'll be tempted to look through his phone or through his computer history. Do you want to be that person? I didn't, and the minute I found myself thinking that I could cut to the chase with a quick look at his phone, I said I'm done.
posted by janey47 at 3:28 PM on August 11, 2015 [27 favorites]
Fuuuuucking douche.
If you don't leave, you will turn into someone you hate.
Right on the money. No one deserves to be with an inconsiderate liar, cheater or no (but probably cheater).
posted by easter queen at 3:33 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you don't leave, you will turn into someone you hate.
Right on the money. No one deserves to be with an inconsiderate liar, cheater or no (but probably cheater).
posted by easter queen at 3:33 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ah! He's hoisted his red flags and is letting them fly proudly! GTFO now, like you told yourself you would!
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 3:41 PM on August 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 3:41 PM on August 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
Get out. I'm glad you asked the question and hope you listen to these answers.
posted by tacodave at 3:51 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by tacodave at 3:51 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't have experience with exactly the same situation. I do have experience with distance plus no sex. Those two things alone are plenty of reason to walk away. That he is not an emotionally healthy adult and does not have appropriate boundaries (his Life gets to be private while you have to respond to his text messages within an allotted timeframe, wtf?) suggest you might want to skip briskly away from this guy. Finally, he calls you names such as manipulative because you're unhappy about the sex situation and other names because you caught him lying and didn't just suck it up. I'm with the rest of hive mind thus far: sprint away from this guy as fast as you possibly can. And be happy that you haven't invested more than seven months in this damaged guy.
I'm damaged and so are most of the people I know. The trick is to find someone who is damaged in a complementary way or who is healthy enough that he or she helps you grow and become healthier (or the two of you grow together) rather than dragging you down to his or her level. This guy is dragging you down. Dump him before you drown. (I love mixed metaphors. Forgive me.)
It totally sucks and you will have feelings about this. But the solution to your uncomfortable feelings is not to stick around with the guy who is dragging you down. You will suffer either way. But one choice has a future, and the other does not. So choose yourself over this unhealthy relationship. And be nice to yourself. Look at your progress compared to your pre-therapy days. It's often impossible to know if a relationship is healthy before six or seven months. But now you know. Get out the sneakers. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 4:03 PM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm damaged and so are most of the people I know. The trick is to find someone who is damaged in a complementary way or who is healthy enough that he or she helps you grow and become healthier (or the two of you grow together) rather than dragging you down to his or her level. This guy is dragging you down. Dump him before you drown. (I love mixed metaphors. Forgive me.)
It totally sucks and you will have feelings about this. But the solution to your uncomfortable feelings is not to stick around with the guy who is dragging you down. You will suffer either way. But one choice has a future, and the other does not. So choose yourself over this unhealthy relationship. And be nice to yourself. Look at your progress compared to your pre-therapy days. It's often impossible to know if a relationship is healthy before six or seven months. But now you know. Get out the sneakers. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 4:03 PM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
If your best girlfriend was dating this guy, and describing this scenario, what would you advise her?
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:11 PM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:11 PM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
He told me he has “a life outside of me that he doesn’t tell me about, because it’s his own” and he doesn’t like feeling like he needs to tell me every little thing
Nyaargh! Like the commenter above, my no good cheating lying sociopath boyfriend came out with this line too. It is a horrible thing because it turns it round on you. You desperately want to prove that you don't have control/jealousy/anger issues so you try to be nice and bite your tongue whilst all the time your unease grows and you end up posting to internet forums for advice because you can't quite work out what's real for yourself any more.
It's not you. It's him. Don't walk, run.
posted by intensitymultiply at 4:20 PM on August 11, 2015 [16 favorites]
Nyaargh! Like the commenter above, my no good cheating lying sociopath boyfriend came out with this line too. It is a horrible thing because it turns it round on you. You desperately want to prove that you don't have control/jealousy/anger issues so you try to be nice and bite your tongue whilst all the time your unease grows and you end up posting to internet forums for advice because you can't quite work out what's real for yourself any more.
It's not you. It's him. Don't walk, run.
posted by intensitymultiply at 4:20 PM on August 11, 2015 [16 favorites]
He's unemployed. You don't have sex. He dismisses your feelings and belittles your concerns and lies by omission, at best, about being with other women.
Get out before you lose more time and energy down this sinkhole. But when you dump him, be prepared for him to turn on that charm again, to woo you back. Until this cycle of behavior starts again.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 4:54 PM on August 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
Get out before you lose more time and energy down this sinkhole. But when you dump him, be prepared for him to turn on that charm again, to woo you back. Until this cycle of behavior starts again.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 4:54 PM on August 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
Okay. Yeah, he's totally cheating, or about to.
But more importantly, he's being a controlling dick. This makes him not a good partner to you, regardless of whether he's cheating. And, you don't trust him anymore. You should break up.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:54 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
But more importantly, he's being a controlling dick. This makes him not a good partner to you, regardless of whether he's cheating. And, you don't trust him anymore. You should break up.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:54 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I will say, however, in contradiction of the majority of advice here that lying can be the result of too much jealousy. If he feels he has to protect you from anything can trigger feeling jealousy he may lie to protect you and relationship harmony even when he has done nothing (I spent 4 years in this hell when I was in my early twenties and still to this day a have a zero tolerance policy for even joking about jealousy).
But still you have invested almost nothing in this relationship - it is early days and still seems to have gone off the rails. Reboot.
posted by srboisvert at 5:03 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
But still you have invested almost nothing in this relationship - it is early days and still seems to have gone off the rails. Reboot.
posted by srboisvert at 5:03 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Lying is unacceptable. Yes, that's an obvious sign of cheating, and not trusting YOU is a HUUUUGE sign of cheating. Aside from all of that, he's a dick. You have full permission from the entirety of the internet and humanity to end things with this guy however you want as long as it's ASAP.
posted by destructive cactus at 5:31 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by destructive cactus at 5:31 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Dump him. He sounds like a jerk -- a cheating, manipulative, unpleasant jerk. You can do much, much better. (He doesn't sound like he has any respect for you at all.)
posted by sarcasticah at 5:41 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by sarcasticah at 5:41 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
He’s been unemployed for awhile, so I’ve attributed it to being depressed
I was going to quote a bunch of individual bits and reply to them all separately, but now i'm fixated on the idea of him basically using your house, and your support as a base of operations so he can just hang out with other women and not have to work.
Is he living with you? How is he paying his rent?
posted by emptythought at 5:56 PM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I was going to quote a bunch of individual bits and reply to them all separately, but now i'm fixated on the idea of him basically using your house, and your support as a base of operations so he can just hang out with other women and not have to work.
Is he living with you? How is he paying his rent?
posted by emptythought at 5:56 PM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Wipe your mind of him. Read this question. What would you say to a friend saying these things?
Break the hell up now. "Hi. It's over. I will not stand for dishonesty, I will not stand for being gaslighted when I have reasonable concerns, I will not stand for someone who will not respect me and care for me. Goodbye."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:15 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Break the hell up now. "Hi. It's over. I will not stand for dishonesty, I will not stand for being gaslighted when I have reasonable concerns, I will not stand for someone who will not respect me and care for me. Goodbye."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:15 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's over in his mind. Make up yours.
posted by Marinara at 7:28 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Marinara at 7:28 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm 99% sure he's cheating. Who goes to spend time with a 'hot' girl he claims is only an acquaintance, at the beach all day, and doesn't run it by his girlfriend? It seems like he's barely mentioned her to you, and yet he's that close to her? That flag is so red, it is practically radioactive.
His knee-jerk defensiveness is more proof-- you said he takes criticisms defensively. In my experience, that's because he feels guilty of these things he does, so he switches it around in order to justify it to himself.
The weird thing is, he's the one usually checking up on me. If i don't reply to a text message in the evening within about an hour, he calls, and usually wants to know what I'm doing. I'm not the same way.
That's not weird at all. Of course he checks up on you. In his mind, other people are like him. And he's cheating on you and he is scared you're the same way as him. It's just a matter of catching you out, to him.
Also nthing the gaslighting thing: I feel this is often done to women to demean and ridicule emotions, as if they are shameful or 'crazy', and to control the situation and deflect blame. I was in a similar situation. I could see it a mile away, but when I aired misgivings the guy had me convinced I was ridiculously insecure and jealous and it was all me, that I didn't trust him, that sure he was flirty but it didn't mean anything. That is until he trawled Craigslist for 'friends' went to meet a 'friend' (without telling me) then fell in love with said 'friend' which 'It just happened' Right.
He's not a catch, not even close. He's not responsible, kind, respectful or deserving of your time, or love. I'm adding to a massive pile-on here, but you should get out. The sooner the better.
posted by Dimes at 7:32 PM on August 11, 2015 [10 favorites]
His knee-jerk defensiveness is more proof-- you said he takes criticisms defensively. In my experience, that's because he feels guilty of these things he does, so he switches it around in order to justify it to himself.
The weird thing is, he's the one usually checking up on me. If i don't reply to a text message in the evening within about an hour, he calls, and usually wants to know what I'm doing. I'm not the same way.
That's not weird at all. Of course he checks up on you. In his mind, other people are like him. And he's cheating on you and he is scared you're the same way as him. It's just a matter of catching you out, to him.
Also nthing the gaslighting thing: I feel this is often done to women to demean and ridicule emotions, as if they are shameful or 'crazy', and to control the situation and deflect blame. I was in a similar situation. I could see it a mile away, but when I aired misgivings the guy had me convinced I was ridiculously insecure and jealous and it was all me, that I didn't trust him, that sure he was flirty but it didn't mean anything. That is until he trawled Craigslist for 'friends' went to meet a 'friend' (without telling me) then fell in love with said 'friend' which 'It just happened' Right.
He's not a catch, not even close. He's not responsible, kind, respectful or deserving of your time, or love. I'm adding to a massive pile-on here, but you should get out. The sooner the better.
posted by Dimes at 7:32 PM on August 11, 2015 [10 favorites]
OMG I do have experience with this and your post and the answers are like a huge flashing neon light for me regarding an ex of mine. Where oh where were you awesome mefites when I was 18?
Dump him, right now and there is no need to have any follow up conversations whether in person, via text, homing pigeons whatever.
Go out with some friends tonight, have fun and maybe blast out You Don't Own Me which was my anthem when I finally got dumped by my version of this jerk (yes, I got dumped because I let him talk me into getting back together when I tried breaking up the first time. Don't be me)
posted by kitten magic at 10:08 PM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
Dump him, right now and there is no need to have any follow up conversations whether in person, via text, homing pigeons whatever.
Go out with some friends tonight, have fun and maybe blast out You Don't Own Me which was my anthem when I finally got dumped by my version of this jerk (yes, I got dumped because I let him talk me into getting back together when I tried breaking up the first time. Don't be me)
posted by kitten magic at 10:08 PM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
The more time you spend dating this guy, the more time you have to sit there listening to him lie and gaslight you. To me, that sounds like a waste of time.
To increase the chances of a clean break, keep things short, simple, and unemotional. Wasting time blaming this guy and listing all his faults is just going to increase the amount of time that you have to listen to his bullshit. I think saying something like "This was fun, but I don't feel like this relationship has long term potential" is a good approach, because it's hard to argue with. Worst case scenario, you can say "I don't love you," and that should end it completely right there.
posted by sam_harms at 11:41 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
To increase the chances of a clean break, keep things short, simple, and unemotional. Wasting time blaming this guy and listing all his faults is just going to increase the amount of time that you have to listen to his bullshit. I think saying something like "This was fun, but I don't feel like this relationship has long term potential" is a good approach, because it's hard to argue with. Worst case scenario, you can say "I don't love you," and that should end it completely right there.
posted by sam_harms at 11:41 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ahh, the old "I didn't tell you because of how you would react" chestnut. Whenever you hear this you can dump the person immediately. Lying, I think, is the absolute worst part of cheating and it goes hand in hand with the gas lighting of "I had no choice, You made me do it with your crazy lady hysterical jealousy!!1!' and 'When you call me out about my lying you are being so controlling!'
I had a shitty cheating ex like this and what he said to you is VERBATIM what came out his mouth when I caught him (do they have a script they hand out for this?! Seems like at least three other people in this thread have heard *literally exactly the same words* too). He also went through my phone to check if I was cheating on him, because in his mind everyone is like him and it's just a matter of whether you get caught. He got really huffy about it actually. When he couldn't find anything it was 'I'm just not as good as you, you are an unusually high-moralled person no one else can hope to be', then he resorted to reading my journal which detailed me collecting things from my ex-fiancee's house within the first fortnight of casually dating him so 'you're just as bad! You were lying to me!!! You're no better than me! OMG when I found out it was like watching a saint fall off a pedestal!!' which, no not remotely comparable and also... he wanted both of us to be in the gutter because he knew he was an awful person but didn't care.
The thing about his lying is you will never know how deep it goes, how far-ranging it is, how far back into your relationship it reaches. My ex could hold things he'd written - in his handwriting, detailing the minutiae of this life - and swear blind someone else must have done it. He wasn't good at lying per se as he was often and easily caught, but he did have absolutely no shame (or any dignity, lol) in just DENYING IT ALL . You will never know what he's really doing, and now you can never know what he's done, and at this point I think the relationship is done. I agree you don't even have to tell him. Just go out with other people and get on with your life. Do not stay and put up with this.
One last thing - if he thinks you've dumped him he very well may pull out all the stops to win you back. That's only his pride talking - he doesn't want to be the one that gets dumped. I fell for this and took my turd ex back. He dumped me 3 weeks later while telling me he'd been discussing how to dump me with his friends for 6 months. Don't be me. You're worth more than that dude. Skip out with your head held high.
posted by everydayanewday at 3:09 AM on August 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
I had a shitty cheating ex like this and what he said to you is VERBATIM what came out his mouth when I caught him (do they have a script they hand out for this?! Seems like at least three other people in this thread have heard *literally exactly the same words* too). He also went through my phone to check if I was cheating on him, because in his mind everyone is like him and it's just a matter of whether you get caught. He got really huffy about it actually. When he couldn't find anything it was 'I'm just not as good as you, you are an unusually high-moralled person no one else can hope to be', then he resorted to reading my journal which detailed me collecting things from my ex-fiancee's house within the first fortnight of casually dating him so 'you're just as bad! You were lying to me!!! You're no better than me! OMG when I found out it was like watching a saint fall off a pedestal!!' which, no not remotely comparable and also... he wanted both of us to be in the gutter because he knew he was an awful person but didn't care.
The thing about his lying is you will never know how deep it goes, how far-ranging it is, how far back into your relationship it reaches. My ex could hold things he'd written - in his handwriting, detailing the minutiae of this life - and swear blind someone else must have done it. He wasn't good at lying per se as he was often and easily caught, but he did have absolutely no shame (or any dignity, lol) in just DENYING IT ALL . You will never know what he's really doing, and now you can never know what he's done, and at this point I think the relationship is done. I agree you don't even have to tell him. Just go out with other people and get on with your life. Do not stay and put up with this.
One last thing - if he thinks you've dumped him he very well may pull out all the stops to win you back. That's only his pride talking - he doesn't want to be the one that gets dumped. I fell for this and took my turd ex back. He dumped me 3 weeks later while telling me he'd been discussing how to dump me with his friends for 6 months. Don't be me. You're worth more than that dude. Skip out with your head held high.
posted by everydayanewday at 3:09 AM on August 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
I wouldn't even break up with such a person. I'd consider the relationship to be over and just stop responding to his texts for a few weeks. Right now he's priming himself for some sweet sweet rebound booty. You're going to eventually break it off, he's going to be upset, bam, he'll be over at Ms. Hot Pants's before you can say "DOUCHE" crying about how his woman Just Didn't Let Him Be Himself. So just do what he's doing, walk away from the relationship and make him be the one to end it. It'll take him a little time to figure out what he needs to do and really fuck up his plans. Plus you get to be a week or two ahead of him.
Of course, the grownup thing to do is to break it off right now, because who the hell has time to spare playing games like this? Answer: apparently he does, and really, it's not going to take up that much of your time and it might make you feel more in charge. Maybe you could even truthfully tell him, "Look, I need some time to think things over, I'll get in touch with you in a week, then we can talk about where our relationship is going." And I think you know right now that you don't want to be here, but this will also give you a chance to think things over, and maybe he'll even take some action (maybe he realizes he wants to be with you and actually changes, or maybe he takes the text and runs crying to Ms. Hot Pants, but either way at least there's movement).
Good luck, and hope things work out well for you. You deserve someone who's decent to you, and it doesn't sound at all like this guy is that right now.
posted by disconnect at 7:40 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Of course, the grownup thing to do is to break it off right now, because who the hell has time to spare playing games like this? Answer: apparently he does, and really, it's not going to take up that much of your time and it might make you feel more in charge. Maybe you could even truthfully tell him, "Look, I need some time to think things over, I'll get in touch with you in a week, then we can talk about where our relationship is going." And I think you know right now that you don't want to be here, but this will also give you a chance to think things over, and maybe he'll even take some action (maybe he realizes he wants to be with you and actually changes, or maybe he takes the text and runs crying to Ms. Hot Pants, but either way at least there's movement).
Good luck, and hope things work out well for you. You deserve someone who's decent to you, and it doesn't sound at all like this guy is that right now.
posted by disconnect at 7:40 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nthing DTMFA. Gaslighting, name-calling, withholding sexually, lying, controlling, he clearly has no respect for you.
Agreed the best tactic is to end things via text (with as little explanation as possible) and then block him.
Based on your last question I think you should pat yourself on the back for having noticed that he maybe wasn't a good choice for you, and again for ending things at this fairly early stage. Don't see this as a mark against yourself. There are sweet, non-dysfunctional, non-lying men out there.
posted by lafemma at 8:01 AM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Agreed the best tactic is to end things via text (with as little explanation as possible) and then block him.
Based on your last question I think you should pat yourself on the back for having noticed that he maybe wasn't a good choice for you, and again for ending things at this fairly early stage. Don't see this as a mark against yourself. There are sweet, non-dysfunctional, non-lying men out there.
posted by lafemma at 8:01 AM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
You are right to be unsettled and want to break up with him. Like almost everyone else said, it doesn't matter if he's cheating. Here is what he is for sure:
- a liar
- mean
- immature
- emotionally manipulative
- shady
- a jerk
Don't waste another minute worrying about this asshat. Cut off all communication, don't bother explaining anything to him and move on.
posted by Gray Skies at 10:42 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
- a liar
- mean
- immature
- emotionally manipulative
- shady
- a jerk
Don't waste another minute worrying about this asshat. Cut off all communication, don't bother explaining anything to him and move on.
posted by Gray Skies at 10:42 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Our fights have largely dealt with him being insecure or not trusting me, for no apparent reason.
This is projection. People who feel okay cheating on their partners assume everyone else is like them.
posted by almostmanda at 4:59 AM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is projection. People who feel okay cheating on their partners assume everyone else is like them.
posted by almostmanda at 4:59 AM on August 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by something something at 1:59 PM on August 11, 2015 [86 favorites]