Help!! My boss wants to be Facebook friends. What to do?

August 6, 2015 8:16 AM

My boss just sent me a friend request. I would normally just ignore it, but I'm not sure this is the best course of action. More details inside.

I have a Facebook is for friends/people I haven't seen since grade school, and LinkedIn is for work colleagues policy that has worked fairly well up until now.

And then my boss sent me a friend request.

I would normally just ignore it, but I don't know if this is best in this situation. My boss absolutely favors me. I receive preferential treatment in almost every regard. I consider my job keeping my boss happy rather than doing my actual job. This has worked out very well at work.

But I worry that I have given my boss the impression that we are friends. We aren't friends. The only times we have seen each other outside of working hours have been at company sponsored events that I attend to keep my boss happy.

I don't have drunken Solo cup pictures on my Facebook, nor do I talk about my job. But I feel like there is a WHOLE LOT of my personal life there and I'm not comfortable sharing this much with my boss.

If I accept and put my boss on my restricted list, will that person still be able to see my pictures? Is there a privacy setting I'm not thinking of that will allow us to be Facebook friends and still keep my private life private? I worry that if I ignore the request, it will be interpreted as an offense. I don't want that.

Any suggestions on how to handle this are greatly appreciated.

posted by Sheppagus to Human Relations (35 answers total)

Ignore it. If your boss asks, use a modified version of what you told us: "I use LinkedIn for professional contacts and friends." You don't have to say "You're not my friend," just tell them they're a "work friend".
posted by Etrigan at 8:22 AM on August 6, 2015 [7 favorites]

Friend him, put him in the "restricted" group so that he only sees the stuff you post as "public", not the stuff you post for friends or friends of friends.
posted by Oktober at 8:22 AM on August 6, 2015 [18 favorites]

zomg - IGNORE, there's plausible deniability all over the place (never got the invite, don't use FB that often). I still regret accepting that invite. Yes, you can "manage" this friend, but it's a PITA, the way FB keeps changing privacy settings and groups etc, and it'll be in the back of your mind evermore.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:24 AM on August 6, 2015 [32 favorites]

Ignore! If he asks, just shrug and say you don't really use it that much.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:25 AM on August 6, 2015 [6 favorites]

Absolutely ignore and if they ask you about it directly say it's your policy to not friend anyone at work and it's nothing personal.
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:29 AM on August 6, 2015 [11 favorites]

If and only if your boss is the type to get saddlesore about perceived personal slights should you friend them. (I have had emotionally fragile bosses for whom this would be a Big Problem because they are stupid diaper babies about everything, but you're in a better position than we are to decide if this applies in your situation.) If you friend them, keep them on a public-only restricted list so they can't see anything. Or use the custom broadcast setting that excludes them from every post and set that retroactively through your profile.

If your boss isn't the kind of person who, for instance, thinks that somebody failing to say good morning to them (unprompted) is a fireable offense, then you're probably in the clear to just ignore the request.
posted by phunniemee at 8:30 AM on August 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

Do you follow any other work colleagues on Facebook? If not, it's a demonstrable policy on your part, and you can say "I only follow people from outside work on Facebook." (I've found that the phrasing of "following" rather than "friending" also softens this awkward conversation. )
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:32 AM on August 6, 2015 [5 favorites]

I have a number of Facebook friends (mostly teachers) who have a fairly bland and generic Facebook profile for their real name and then their "real" profile under an assumed name. You could friend your boss and transition that real name account to a "public facing" profile and start a new profile for your more intimate connections. It seems like more hassle than it's worth, to me, but it seems to be working for some folks.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:35 AM on August 6, 2015 [5 favorites]

My boss, whom I like and respect very much, recently said, "I'll friend you on Facebook!" I just told her that I don't have Facebook friends from work, which is the truth. She was fine with that.
posted by Dolley at 8:41 AM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

I would not at all rely on facebook to keep any kind of privacy. Assume anything you put on there will be shared with the entire world.

I have a facebook account that's just for logins in apps, or suchlike. I don't have my real name, DOB, location, profile pic, etc. There's nothing on there that's actually me. I still get friend requests from random people who I hitherto didn't know existed, because I had to like [x app] or [y game] for it to work and they saw my name. I don't know these people and they don't know me, but they still try to friend me. It could be that your boss is doing a similar thing - they know you so they're trying to connect to you on there, even though they don't actually want to interact with you on there.

They could also be doing this to try to pry into your private life, which is doubly a good reason not to accept. Facebook certainly doesn't have your back when it comes to privacy.
posted by Solomon at 8:43 AM on August 6, 2015

While technically you are well within your rights to tell your boss that you have a policy not to friend people from work, in reality if you say this your boss will likely feel a bit foolish, humiliated and rejected for sending the request. They will know it isn't a completely rational reaction and will say, "OK, I get it that's fine," but the feeling will probably be there and if you consider your job keeping your boss happy -- your boss won't be happy about this.
Tons of people get friended by colleagues (I certainly do) so it's not like your boss did something blatantly inappropriate. It doesn't necessarily mean they think you're personal friends.
I don't think there's a graceful way to ignore or refuse this without jeopardizing the work relationship you have with your boss. I would just suck it up and do it and consider transferring personal stuff to another account, or following the above advice about restricted access.
posted by flourpot at 8:56 AM on August 6, 2015 [7 favorites]

Nope, nope, nope. Just say you have a policy of not mixing work and social media.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:57 AM on August 6, 2015

My boss has the stance that she doesn't friend anyone she currently works with, which I think is good for the hierarchical structure both ways, and keeps work and personal life a bit more separate.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:11 AM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

Ignore it. Max out your security settings so s/he can't see any activity, so if it comes up, you can say, Oh really? I'm hardly ever on there. I'll send you a LinkedIn request!" Then just do that and move along.
posted by mibo at 9:27 AM on August 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

If this is somebody you work fairly closely with, "ignore it" is just not so easy to do. As you say, it could be interpreted as an offense. What I would do is stop by the boss's office and say, do you have a moment to talk? Sit down, and say something like, "I got your friend request, and I really don't want you to be offended, but I really like to keep my work and non-work social networking separated. And I would like us to be friends, but just not friends on Facebook. I hope that's OK with you."

Notice: lots of "I" statements. You are explaining how you feel about it and asking your boss to see it from your point of view.
posted by beagle at 9:33 AM on August 6, 2015

I know more than one person who has two accounts for just this reason. Me, I just never post anything on Facebook that i wouldn't want the world to see.
posted by salvia at 9:36 AM on August 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

What about something like "I got your Facebook request, but before I accept you should know that I really only use Facebook for X. I'm actually more active on Linked In. How about that instead?"

In my case X= post baby pictures on my mom's timeline so her friends can tell her how cute her grand baby is. Nobody seems very interested in this lol.
posted by jrobin276 at 9:46 AM on August 6, 2015

I like to be very upfront with coworkers about this. I would message back or mention in person, "hey thanks for the request. I keep my coworkers connected on LinkedIn rather than Facebook. (Add link)."

I think it's pretty common to not have coworkers on Facebook these days and I personally have had aweful experiences in the past. Just be upfront but casual about it. Do not add people period. You shouldn't feel pressured to do so.
posted by Crystalinne at 9:51 AM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

I've done this, and immediately put my boss on the Restricted list. I also "unfollowed" him, so it goes both ways.

I get that people are antsy about Facebook privacy settings, but this particular aspect has been pretty stable for years now.

So yeah, "friend" him and lock him out at the same time. The only interaction you will likely have is that he writes Happy Birthday on your wall when Facebook reminds him.
posted by monospace at 10:00 AM on August 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

Yep, this is what LinkedIn is for. Don't friend on FB. Don't even bring it up. If it's mentioned say you're hardly ever there. Send a LinkedIn request instead.
posted by vignettist at 10:07 AM on August 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

It's actually not hard inside Facebook to limit your content so it doesn't show to a friend whose access you have restricted. Whether they can see your pictures, or any other content, depends on whether you have set it to show to people on your restricted list.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:24 AM on August 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

My excuse was always that "I never log on Facebook." As long as your public settings are locked down and private, and your "friends of friends" settings don't show your timeline or photo albums, there is no way for him to know how active you are on Facebook. I'd just ignore it. And if he does ask, say you don't use it.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:41 AM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

Sorry, there's no way you can not accept this request and continue enjoying the benefits of a good relationship with your boss. People here are being short sighted. Yes, there is a reasonable debate to be had about privacy versus professional success, and there isn't necessarily a right answer. But, if you choose privacy here, then you better feel VERY seriously about privacy, because this WILL hurt your relationship, and anyone who thinks otherwise may be a bit naive. The platonic ideal of a boss who feels like your friends but accepts your friend rejection without any hurt feelings is a myth.

This sounds like the price of admission for continued enjoyment of success at work.
posted by namesarehard at 10:42 AM on August 6, 2015 [14 favorites]

hmmm. i'm a boss and would never ever friend my employees because I respect their privacy and also appreciate a professional distance. some i am already friends with on FB because we friended eachother before i became their boss but I would completely understand if they chose to put me on a special list. would you boss be offended or not care if you ignored her request? thats what you need to determine. if she's offended it may be her problem and not yours. maybe accept her request and put her on a special list who does not see your postings or pictures.
posted by SanSebastien at 11:15 AM on August 6, 2015

My boss is my boss and not my friend, but we're still friends on FB. It's not unusual to use FB as a kind of proto-networking platform as much as a way to keep up with friends.
posted by wrabbit at 11:17 AM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

I also want to mention, you said your boss favors you and gives you preferential treatment. Is there any chance there is romantic interest there? I think your boss is clearly wanting to cross a boundary, whether it's friendship or romance, that you don't want. Not accepting the friend request is a good chance to set a firm boundary. Facebook is for friends and your boss isn't one.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:47 AM on August 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

I like the idea of telling your boss you connect with co-workers on LinkedIn, and offering to send an invitation that way. Also stating that you keep FB for 'family' (as a distinction from 'friends') might be of help.
posted by Vaike at 12:21 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

This happened to me. I just ignored it and he never said anything.
posted by shesbenevolent at 12:33 PM on August 6, 2015

I have a firm rule of not FB-friending anybody I work with. I work for a very large company, and there are a couple people there who are in fact my friends In Real Life. In those cases, I tell them sincerely that I am their friend but can't be friended on FB. I have even had to unfriend someone who was hired on.

It hurts, but has to be done because friends-of-friends will see your posts (assuming you post that way) and all it takes is ONE co-worker's nose under the tent ...

So, I'd agree with HG above, but if they are someone you genuinely like, and even want to be friends with, be super nice letting them know about your policy, but be firm. NOT ONE CAMEL.
posted by intermod at 2:19 PM on August 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

A similar situation: a member of the board of directors for my work sent me a FB friend request. I created a FB group called "Acquaintances," accepted the request, then immediately marked this person as an Acquaintance. I then set my default posting to show to "Friends Except Aquaintances" and voila!

I've ended up putting a few more people in the Aquaintance list over the years. It keeps these people at arm's length.
posted by tacodave at 4:11 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

It's getting weirder, since people use FB for so many different reasons. I used to have a no-FB with work people policy, but I work for a company where so many people use it-- even with work communities!-- that I didn't have a choice.

I keep my posts locked down but I now only post things which I could show everybody. If people want to see my endless hiking pictures, then they're more than welcome. I find I haven't lost much since I never trusted it much anyhow, and I have gained the additional benefit that FB has become much more useful to me as a way of keeping contact with my loosely-linked network. (I've been able to use it to keep in touch with people I like, but who I don't know that well, for instance.)

I would think hard before you don't accept. Your boss should be mature about it, but the language you use to describe him is not terribly mature.
posted by frumiousb at 4:58 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

I would ignore it unless they bring it up, to maintain plausible deniability. If they do bring it up, then I'd probably put them down as a restricted friend as detailed above to avoid drama, but then, I don't use Facebook for much of anything either.
posted by Aleyn at 9:55 PM on August 6, 2015

Just because it's wise and professional to keep work and personal separate, that doesn't mean all superiors get or honor that. Your superior is obviously curious about your personal life. Pretending you never got the request is BS. Everyone knows that kind of thing is BS and that person A just didn't want to friend person B. If we were talking about a co-worker here, you could very easily puff up and utilize your boundaries and tell them that you just don't mix work and personal. But we're talking about your boss, who plays favorites and you're in the prized spot. With your privileged position as favorite at work, you have to accept the request. Unless you want them to be displeased and miffed and resentful. In which case, you will no longer be favored. Playing it down and referencing LinkedIn or saying you never sign on is just going to be intellectually insulting/dishonest. The bottom line is, you will be rejecting your boss if you don't accept it. If you never want to have to deal with obligations and expectations from superiors, you'll have to work your way up the chain of command or become self-employed. Pitfalls of life
posted by Avosunspin at 2:13 AM on August 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

Also, anyone who uses FB knows that you can hide certain things from certain people. If you accept the request but your profile is basically empty, they'll know you're hiding everything from them and they'll be insulted. You really can't win here. Frustrating but true. Keep the profile clean and tidy, and you should be doing that anyway since zero items on FB are actually private. It's a data mining machine
posted by Avosunspin at 2:18 AM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Just put him on your Restricted list, which will only allow him to see anything you've marked Public which he can already see anyway. It's all the warm fuzzies of accepting him as your "friend" with none of the added risk.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:57 PM on August 8, 2015