Poor social skills filter: Can this friendship be resurrected?
June 30, 2015 9:21 AM Subscribe
I think I irreparably messed up my relationship with a close friend from the past. Is there anything else I can/should do at this point, or should I just move on?
K was my college roommate of 3 years, we graduated 10 (!) years ago and were quite close at school and frequently in touch for a few years after. She moved across the country and I visited her several times. for the past 3-ish years, I've been extremely busy with career stuff (fairly sure she was as well) and our text/facebook correspondence trailed off. About 6 months ago I met up with a mutual friend of ours and we sent her a 'wish you were here' selfie. She replied with a text saying that she had eloped! I congratulated her, but was basically like whoa! we have to talk! big things are happening.She texted that we could chat soon....
And then I called her approximately 10,000 times over the next few weeks like a nutcase stalker. She never picked up. I eventually came to my senses that I was being crazy and sent her a text saying I missed her and hoped we could be in touch. That was 4 months ago. Haven't heard from her since.
Some context: Me: moderate introvert with some social anxiety, but currently in a really really great place in my life. Her: extrovert with a magnetic personality, super social, but sometimes gets overwhelmed by the number of people that want to be close to her. I'm fully aware that her friendship probably means more to me than my friendship does to her. However, we were so close during several formative years, it's hard for me to give that up. She's also at the center of my friend group from college, so it would be hard for me to consider going to reunions etc if we don't have a relationship.
Should I try texting her again? Apologize for acting like a crazy person? Or just get on with my life?
K was my college roommate of 3 years, we graduated 10 (!) years ago and were quite close at school and frequently in touch for a few years after. She moved across the country and I visited her several times. for the past 3-ish years, I've been extremely busy with career stuff (fairly sure she was as well) and our text/facebook correspondence trailed off. About 6 months ago I met up with a mutual friend of ours and we sent her a 'wish you were here' selfie. She replied with a text saying that she had eloped! I congratulated her, but was basically like whoa! we have to talk! big things are happening.She texted that we could chat soon....
And then I called her approximately 10,000 times over the next few weeks like a nutcase stalker. She never picked up. I eventually came to my senses that I was being crazy and sent her a text saying I missed her and hoped we could be in touch. That was 4 months ago. Haven't heard from her since.
Some context: Me: moderate introvert with some social anxiety, but currently in a really really great place in my life. Her: extrovert with a magnetic personality, super social, but sometimes gets overwhelmed by the number of people that want to be close to her. I'm fully aware that her friendship probably means more to me than my friendship does to her. However, we were so close during several formative years, it's hard for me to give that up. She's also at the center of my friend group from college, so it would be hard for me to consider going to reunions etc if we don't have a relationship.
Should I try texting her again? Apologize for acting like a crazy person? Or just get on with my life?
Seconding Lyn, and adding that you don't have to freak out about moving on (it doesn't need to be hard to consider going to reunions etc).
To help with this, try imagining scenarios that would excuse her lack of response, such as, maybe the honeymoon period of her marriage made her live in a bubble for a while and now she's slooowly catching up with her neglected acquaintances. Or, she rushed into her marriage and it's not as easy as she thought it would be and she just needs to get out the other side of it before she can deal with social stuff. Whatever narrative works for you, make it ok in your mind that you guys haven't talked for a while, then it won't cause you any more anxiety or worry, and when you see her you can say hi and just see what happens, instead of stressing out about it.
posted by greenish at 9:32 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
To help with this, try imagining scenarios that would excuse her lack of response, such as, maybe the honeymoon period of her marriage made her live in a bubble for a while and now she's slooowly catching up with her neglected acquaintances. Or, she rushed into her marriage and it's not as easy as she thought it would be and she just needs to get out the other side of it before she can deal with social stuff. Whatever narrative works for you, make it ok in your mind that you guys haven't talked for a while, then it won't cause you any more anxiety or worry, and when you see her you can say hi and just see what happens, instead of stressing out about it.
posted by greenish at 9:32 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
She sounds like someone you like a lot. Sure, drop her an apologetic text saying you lost your mind due to the exciting and unexpected elopement news but are recovered to your normal self and hope to hear from her.
And then let it go. She may get back to you, she may not. What I'm picking up here is that she's the spontaneous type. Accept it.
posted by bearwife at 9:39 AM on June 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
And then let it go. She may get back to you, she may not. What I'm picking up here is that she's the spontaneous type. Accept it.
posted by bearwife at 9:39 AM on June 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
So your last attempt at contact was 4 months ago? Do you have her email address or snail-mail address?
If so - write a very short letter, a few sentences on what you've been up to (hopefully something interesting), then close with something like "Betsy and I were so excited to hear you had eloped! I'm sure you're busy with your new life, but I'd love to hear from you. If you find some time to chat, my number is 123 456 7890."
And then just leave it be. You'll either hear from her, or not. If you do hear from her, don't give her grief about her unavailability. I have several friends from waaay back, and it's kind of a given that sometimes people will go silent for a year or more. Instead, be happy she's 'back'.
And if you don't hear from her ... sometimes people just want to move on.
posted by doctor tough love at 9:44 AM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
If so - write a very short letter, a few sentences on what you've been up to (hopefully something interesting), then close with something like "Betsy and I were so excited to hear you had eloped! I'm sure you're busy with your new life, but I'd love to hear from you. If you find some time to chat, my number is 123 456 7890."
And then just leave it be. You'll either hear from her, or not. If you do hear from her, don't give her grief about her unavailability. I have several friends from waaay back, and it's kind of a given that sometimes people will go silent for a year or more. Instead, be happy she's 'back'.
And if you don't hear from her ... sometimes people just want to move on.
posted by doctor tough love at 9:44 AM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's so funny, I had a really similar situation to you recently. Best friends with an amazing girl, we were close, literally as close as two people could be.
We both went to different Universities in England but stayed in touch and visited each other during the breaks in Semesters.
Then we both got jobs after graduation and I don't know, we just didn't see each other as much. Then we didn't see each other at all. Then I moved to Canada and I tried to re-establish contact a couple of years ago.
It took me months to track her down and eventually when I did find an email address for her, I was very nervous sending that initial email. She responded almost immediately and we both rejoiced in having "Found each other" again.
I continued to send emails to her, letters to her new address and a birthday card..... soon, it all went un-reciprocated. I sent a few more emails which were met with resounding silence, and I just decided it wasn't meant to be....
I'm regretful that we couldn't re-establish contact, but I know it wasn't because of me not trying hard enough. I'm at a great place in my life too and I don't "need" her in it, but it would have meant a lot to me if we could still be friends. Alas, some things just aren't meant to be, and it sounds as if you've tried really hard to maintain a friendship (like I did) and I wouldn't take it personally, she'll connect with you if she wants to. Just write her off in your mind and if she comes back in your life, it will be a nice surprise... but don't waste any time waiting for her.
posted by JenThePro at 9:53 AM on June 30, 2015
We both went to different Universities in England but stayed in touch and visited each other during the breaks in Semesters.
Then we both got jobs after graduation and I don't know, we just didn't see each other as much. Then we didn't see each other at all. Then I moved to Canada and I tried to re-establish contact a couple of years ago.
It took me months to track her down and eventually when I did find an email address for her, I was very nervous sending that initial email. She responded almost immediately and we both rejoiced in having "Found each other" again.
I continued to send emails to her, letters to her new address and a birthday card..... soon, it all went un-reciprocated. I sent a few more emails which were met with resounding silence, and I just decided it wasn't meant to be....
I'm regretful that we couldn't re-establish contact, but I know it wasn't because of me not trying hard enough. I'm at a great place in my life too and I don't "need" her in it, but it would have meant a lot to me if we could still be friends. Alas, some things just aren't meant to be, and it sounds as if you've tried really hard to maintain a friendship (like I did) and I wouldn't take it personally, she'll connect with you if she wants to. Just write her off in your mind and if she comes back in your life, it will be a nice surprise... but don't waste any time waiting for her.
posted by JenThePro at 9:53 AM on June 30, 2015
I think there is no need ever, really, to put a final period on friendship so long as you can still see some good in it. Relationships ebb and flow anyway, sometimes over months or years or decades, as people live their lives, get into different mental spaces, relationships, life circumstances. The childhood friend we no longer feel so close to in our 30s may turn into a lifeline when we are 60. So long as you keep an open mind and don't expect too much out of them at any one time, they could always be rekindled. The times you shared together will never be unshared. No need to put so much effort into maintaining constant contact, these things start with a very light touch, and should only escalate to next levels if there is reciprocation. If and when you are both ready to reconnect, you will. You've done more than your share this time, and time will tell how it goes.
Good luck!
posted by enlivener at 10:10 AM on June 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Good luck!
posted by enlivener at 10:10 AM on June 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: It's hard for me to be sure what's going on here. A lot depends on how closely you resembled a "nutcase stalker". You've put things in a humorous way, and you haven't given us a lot of details, so I can't tell whether the comparison is absurd or actually quite apt.
For example: how many times per week did you call her? How often did you leave messages? Did the messages feature strong emotions that might also be expressed by a nutcase stalker? Did the messages feature what might be interpreted as attempts at emotional manipulation (e.g. mentioning your hurt feelings and reminding her of the good old days)? Did your means of contacting her cross boundaries -- for example, did you call her work number? If you called her work number, had she previously given you that number yourself, or did you track her down by other means?
Two possible scenarios:
(a) your quasi-stalking behavior freaked her out. A lot. Whenever I've seen this happen between friends, what really mattered was the previous history, which determined how the quasi-stalking was interpreted. So consider your friendship's previous history.
(b) she's just busy and/or procrastinating, partly because hello, she just got hitched, and perhaps in part because she feels guilty about not getting back to you earlier.
In case (a): if I were your friend, here are three things that would have to happen in order for me to contact you again (note: these are necessary rather than sufficient conditions):
(1) I would need to know that you sincerely felt your behavior had been inappropriate and regrettable.
(2) I would need you to stop trying to contact me.
(Obviously, it's difficult to make (1) happen without violating (2). If scenario (a) is in play, perhaps you can entrust this mission to a SUPER TACTFUL mutual friend who is regularly in touch with your stalkee, and who will wait very very patiently for months until just the right occasion presents itself.)
(3) I would need some kind of external event or occasion to prompt me to contact you. Such an occasion might include, for example, seeing something on social media, or seeing you at a reunion.
In case (b), only (3) is necessary.
If you reckon (a) and (b) are equally possible, perhaps your best bet is to enlist Sympathetic Tactful Friend, and ask for feedback based on STF's knowledge of the previous history. If results are bad or ambiguous, authorize STF to probe delicately, and to relay apologies if appropriate.
You may be making a huge fuss over nothing (in which case, considering not going to your reunion is absurd). OR this may really be an Extreme Drama Level scenario (in which case, considering not going to your reunion demonstrates this friendship's dysfunctional importance to your sense of self -- I'm a little worried by your description of her as a 'magnetic personality', and yourself as someone with low social skills). Can't tell from here. Either way, though, stop considering not going to your reunion.
posted by feral_goldfish at 10:28 AM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
For example: how many times per week did you call her? How often did you leave messages? Did the messages feature strong emotions that might also be expressed by a nutcase stalker? Did the messages feature what might be interpreted as attempts at emotional manipulation (e.g. mentioning your hurt feelings and reminding her of the good old days)? Did your means of contacting her cross boundaries -- for example, did you call her work number? If you called her work number, had she previously given you that number yourself, or did you track her down by other means?
Two possible scenarios:
(a) your quasi-stalking behavior freaked her out. A lot. Whenever I've seen this happen between friends, what really mattered was the previous history, which determined how the quasi-stalking was interpreted. So consider your friendship's previous history.
(b) she's just busy and/or procrastinating, partly because hello, she just got hitched, and perhaps in part because she feels guilty about not getting back to you earlier.
In case (a): if I were your friend, here are three things that would have to happen in order for me to contact you again (note: these are necessary rather than sufficient conditions):
(1) I would need to know that you sincerely felt your behavior had been inappropriate and regrettable.
(2) I would need you to stop trying to contact me.
(Obviously, it's difficult to make (1) happen without violating (2). If scenario (a) is in play, perhaps you can entrust this mission to a SUPER TACTFUL mutual friend who is regularly in touch with your stalkee, and who will wait very very patiently for months until just the right occasion presents itself.)
(3) I would need some kind of external event or occasion to prompt me to contact you. Such an occasion might include, for example, seeing something on social media, or seeing you at a reunion.
In case (b), only (3) is necessary.
If you reckon (a) and (b) are equally possible, perhaps your best bet is to enlist Sympathetic Tactful Friend, and ask for feedback based on STF's knowledge of the previous history. If results are bad or ambiguous, authorize STF to probe delicately, and to relay apologies if appropriate.
You may be making a huge fuss over nothing (in which case, considering not going to your reunion is absurd). OR this may really be an Extreme Drama Level scenario (in which case, considering not going to your reunion demonstrates this friendship's dysfunctional importance to your sense of self -- I'm a little worried by your description of her as a 'magnetic personality', and yourself as someone with low social skills). Can't tell from here. Either way, though, stop considering not going to your reunion.
posted by feral_goldfish at 10:28 AM on June 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Re: feral_goldfish
I did not engage in any of the other 'stalker' behavior that you mentioned, besides calling her on her cell maybe 20 times over two-three weeks and leaving a few light chatty voicemails. but I think you might have hit the nail on the head with 'dysfunctional importance to your sense of self'. While I'm no social butterfly, I do have my shit together socially for the most part- although at the time I knew this person I probably didn't.
I will take this as an opportunity to try to make some other awesome friends and move on, possibly getting back in touch for our reunion next year.
posted by genmonster at 10:47 AM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I did not engage in any of the other 'stalker' behavior that you mentioned, besides calling her on her cell maybe 20 times over two-three weeks and leaving a few light chatty voicemails. but I think you might have hit the nail on the head with 'dysfunctional importance to your sense of self'. While I'm no social butterfly, I do have my shit together socially for the most part- although at the time I knew this person I probably didn't.
I will take this as an opportunity to try to make some other awesome friends and move on, possibly getting back in touch for our reunion next year.
posted by genmonster at 10:47 AM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yay! Yeah, scenario (b) all the way then, unless your friend is a crazy person, in which case, well ... all the more reason for your current plan.
posted by feral_goldfish at 10:58 AM on June 30, 2015
posted by feral_goldfish at 10:58 AM on June 30, 2015
The way you describe it all going down triggers a red flag for me, but because of HER behavior, not yours.
Eloping with a person who wasn't in your life six months ago? Followed by cutting ties with a longtime close friend? Has she cut contact with anyone else who's close to her?
posted by dotparker at 2:50 PM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Eloping with a person who wasn't in your life six months ago? Followed by cutting ties with a longtime close friend? Has she cut contact with anyone else who's close to her?
posted by dotparker at 2:50 PM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
She never picked up.
Take the hint. Most if not all phones these days will let you know you've missed a call. Maybe she has an incredibly busy life and simply doesn't have time to answer you, but I think it's more likely she's screening your calls.
How enthusiastic was her response of "we should chat sometime"? Did she make any kind of plans? Initiate any kind of contact? Perform any action to make you think that she wasn't just blowing off your effusive request for more info? If she's not made any effort to actually chat, I think dialling things right back and waiting to see how she acts is the best thing to do. If she wants to get in touch with you, she has your contact details via phone and Facebook, and can use either one to get hold of you.
However, it's been 4 months. It seems to me that you haven't got anything to "give up". Her not responding to a single contact reads to me like a slow fade. Always be making life better for yourself, which in this case means be making new friends and not putting all of your eggs in one basket. If someone is not enthusiastically participating in a relationship, then dial things back until you're at the same level. If someone isn't making an effort to be in contact with you, despite you making an effort to be in contact with them, then maybe they don't want that contact.
With regards to the reunions, if it's just one day, then grin and bear it. Go talk to the dozens of other people who'll be there and catch up with them instead. There's no need to make drama where there is none.
posted by Solomon at 3:28 PM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Take the hint. Most if not all phones these days will let you know you've missed a call. Maybe she has an incredibly busy life and simply doesn't have time to answer you, but I think it's more likely she's screening your calls.
How enthusiastic was her response of "we should chat sometime"? Did she make any kind of plans? Initiate any kind of contact? Perform any action to make you think that she wasn't just blowing off your effusive request for more info? If she's not made any effort to actually chat, I think dialling things right back and waiting to see how she acts is the best thing to do. If she wants to get in touch with you, she has your contact details via phone and Facebook, and can use either one to get hold of you.
However, it's been 4 months. It seems to me that you haven't got anything to "give up". Her not responding to a single contact reads to me like a slow fade. Always be making life better for yourself, which in this case means be making new friends and not putting all of your eggs in one basket. If someone is not enthusiastically participating in a relationship, then dial things back until you're at the same level. If someone isn't making an effort to be in contact with you, despite you making an effort to be in contact with them, then maybe they don't want that contact.
With regards to the reunions, if it's just one day, then grin and bear it. Go talk to the dozens of other people who'll be there and catch up with them instead. There's no need to make drama where there is none.
posted by Solomon at 3:28 PM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Whoa, 20 calls in 2-3 weeks is a LOT. I feel like the standard is usually to call once, and maybe call back to leave a message if you didn't the first time, and then wait for a response. Personally, I would be weirded out by so many calls from someone who had been out of touch, even if your voicemails sounded completely fine. In feral goldfish's scenario above, I feel like it could be either a or b.
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:24 AM on July 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:24 AM on July 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
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Being close during formative years is great, with regard to the formation, and you should value that. It doesn't really mean anything, though, as far as how close you're supposed to be later.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:26 AM on June 30, 2015 [5 favorites]