Hookup etiquette, campsite rule edition
May 26, 2015 11:07 PM   Subscribe

I met someone several years younger than me on a hookup site. We met and I'm pretty sure he felt nervous about his performance. What else could / should I have done?

I'm a middle-aged woman who hasn't been in the dating/hookup pool, since, like, forever. I met a 24-year-old man on a hookup site and we met for dinner. We adjourned to my hotel room, and we had sex with him finishing before me.

I think throughout all of the night, I was taking the lead, both in being clear about what I wanted and setting the pace. He came before me, and got up to dispose of the condom.

He came back to the bed and I told him, "That's why I brought more than one." I didn't tell him what else to do, and we spent the next 10 or so minutes gently cuddling. He didn't get hard again, and he got up, we both cleaned off, and then he began getting dressed.

I hugged him and told him thank you, and he remarked that I liked things rougher than he had expected, and he also made a comment about not expecting that he'd have trouble keeping up with me. I told him it was wonderful and pointed out that I couldn't get a stupid silly grin off of my face.

I didn't exactly ask him to stay longer (it would have been nice), but on the other hand he got dressed and left in a hurry.

I was very satisfied with the evening, physically. I texted him the next morning again thanking him for the evening, and he hasn't responded. I'm fine with that, but now that a week has passed, I realize that he might have been nervous about "not satisfying me". I am pretty sure that there's nothing else I should do at this point, but I've been wondering. Is there some kind of unspoken etiquette to these things that I missed?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (7 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
This may be too blunt, but you are making an assumption that he felt nervous in his performance. I sense you like being the "mentor." I would leave it alone.
posted by pando11 at 11:39 PM on May 26, 2015 [2 favorites]

It seems pretty open and shut here - you had a nice evening, you sent a text acknowledging it, it seems like like everything wrapped up nice and neatly with a bow. Sometimes hook-ups are just hook-ups. Even if he took some messages away from the experience about his sexual experience, that's on him to interpret for himself as a natural course of experimenting and trying things out as an early twenty-something. I sense that you're trying to turn a hook-up into something more here, which isn't necessarily what he seems to want judging from the radio silence - I think the best approach here is just to consider this a perfectly good one-off affair and then move on.
posted by Conspire at 12:08 AM on May 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

A lot of the time, it seems to me, hookups can be either 1-and-done (which may be where he's at, for whatever reason), and/or they can be auditions. And it sounds like you want a repeat and he doesn't. Respect his boundaries; you didn't miss anything.

Well, one thing, maybe. "that's why I brought more than one" could be seen as a dig about him not lasting long enough. If you end up in a similar situation in the future, it might be more effective and kind to say something like "that was awesome," and then after some cuddling or whatnot, "hey, ready for round 2?"

That's a really minor thing though, and I really doubt he's having any troubles. He's 24, the situation wasn't quite what he expected, and that be that. Carve a fun time notch in your bedpost and move on.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:33 AM on May 27, 2015 [14 favorites]

Well, one thing, maybe. "that's why I brought more than one" could be seen as a dig about him not lasting long enough.

That, or simply, could be seen as "expectations" that he wasn't ready to act upon; added his comment that you "liked things rougher than he had expected," it very much feels like he didn't come out of this encounter fully satisfied, or with a fully comfortable feeling. At 24, a dude might be full of himself, but not necessarily full of self-confidence.

So what could be done in another situation like this is being really careful about taking the lead. Some may like it, but it might scare some others.
posted by Namlit at 5:23 AM on May 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

I realize that he might have been nervous about "not satisfying me"

If that was a primary concern he would have stayed.
posted by French Fry at 7:39 AM on May 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

If you hear "I wasn't expecting you to be so X", related to sex, the other person means it negatively even when it is a theoretically good thing.

"I wasn't expecting you to be so hard to keep up with" is slut shaming or possibly "look I can't finish if we keep swapping positions every five minutes". "I wasn't expecting you to like it so rough" is either slut shaming or "actually I'm really not into this". Certainly his idea of good sex sounds pretty different to yours.

It doesn't sound like you're compatible. His loss not yours.
posted by tinkletown at 2:46 PM on May 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

No need to thank him so much either. Neither of you are a charity.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:28 PM on May 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

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