You're my ex-boyfriend. How would you want to find out I'm engaged?
May 21, 2015 2:05 PM Subscribe
My (current) boyfriend (fiancé!) proposed to me very recently and we've been letting our family and friends know at our own pace. I'm very fond of my ex-boyfriend and I want him to find out in the least weird or awkward way. What is that?
To clarify, there's absolutely no "wish we were still dating" on my side, I can't speak for his, but I'd confidently guess it's the same. We broke up 18 months ago and it was very civil, we said we'd stay friends and actually managed it. We're not exactly close, but we speak more or less regularly and it's not weird or painful, it's nice and friendly.
However, I do miss him (loooong relationship, long time to heal I guess) in non-romantic ways, and I'd guess that's mutual to a degree as well. Put it this way, if I was in a non-engaged way (as he is, although he's been dating someone for a while so I hear) and heard he was set to get hitched, there'd still be a pang.
So how do I let him know in the most kind way possible? If you were him, how would you want to find out? Face-to-face (this is a rare thing for us but if it's right it's right), or by phone, or shit, through the grapevine so he doesn't have to process it there and then? I don't know. Help me, dear friends.
for anyone who's worried, my dear beau is completely fine with whatever I choose to do, he's awesome like that
To clarify, there's absolutely no "wish we were still dating" on my side, I can't speak for his, but I'd confidently guess it's the same. We broke up 18 months ago and it was very civil, we said we'd stay friends and actually managed it. We're not exactly close, but we speak more or less regularly and it's not weird or painful, it's nice and friendly.
However, I do miss him (loooong relationship, long time to heal I guess) in non-romantic ways, and I'd guess that's mutual to a degree as well. Put it this way, if I was in a non-engaged way (as he is, although he's been dating someone for a while so I hear) and heard he was set to get hitched, there'd still be a pang.
So how do I let him know in the most kind way possible? If you were him, how would you want to find out? Face-to-face (this is a rare thing for us but if it's right it's right), or by phone, or shit, through the grapevine so he doesn't have to process it there and then? I don't know. Help me, dear friends.
for anyone who's worried, my dear beau is completely fine with whatever I choose to do, he's awesome like that
Its as big of a deal as you want it to be.
If it were me, I'd just send a text like "oh hey! we got engaged!".
Also - congrats! Being engaged is super fun, its the best time! Tell everyone you know and get free champagne and drinks at bars. Milk it!!!
posted by modernsquid at 2:13 PM on May 21, 2015
If it were me, I'd just send a text like "oh hey! we got engaged!".
Also - congrats! Being engaged is super fun, its the best time! Tell everyone you know and get free champagne and drinks at bars. Milk it!!!
posted by modernsquid at 2:13 PM on May 21, 2015
If you really are friendly still, just let it come up next time you're in contact--since you speak "more or less regularly."
If I were in his position, frankly I'd be a little surprised that someone I broke up with 18 months ago is already engaged--so be prepared for that--but that's probably more a neutral than a negative response.
posted by psoas at 2:14 PM on May 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
If I were in his position, frankly I'd be a little surprised that someone I broke up with 18 months ago is already engaged--so be prepared for that--but that's probably more a neutral than a negative response.
posted by psoas at 2:14 PM on May 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
If you're actually still sort of in contact (which it sounds like you are, since you make it sound like face-to-face could be an option if you really wanted), then I think an email would be fine.
If you're not really in contact, let him find out through the grapevine.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:14 PM on May 21, 2015
If you're not really in contact, let him find out through the grapevine.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:14 PM on May 21, 2015
Are you on facebook? Is the ex on facebook? Post the engagement on facebook and let him find out that way, super passive. He'll have all of his own privacy to react however he wants and congratulate you or not in his own way and in his own time.
An ex of mine (he's a mefite, hiiii if you're reading this!) got engaged recently and I learned about it through facebook, and honestly it was awesome. I realized my immediate reaction was complete and total happiness for him without a single hint of any other emotion creeping in. If I had been in any way singled out as a person who needed to be informed of the news, it would have made the information loaded in a way it shouldn't have been and doesn't need to be.
If you guys aren't on facebook, then just let the grapevine take care of this one.
posted by phunniemee at 2:14 PM on May 21, 2015 [27 favorites]
An ex of mine (he's a mefite, hiiii if you're reading this!) got engaged recently and I learned about it through facebook, and honestly it was awesome. I realized my immediate reaction was complete and total happiness for him without a single hint of any other emotion creeping in. If I had been in any way singled out as a person who needed to be informed of the news, it would have made the information loaded in a way it shouldn't have been and doesn't need to be.
If you guys aren't on facebook, then just let the grapevine take care of this one.
posted by phunniemee at 2:14 PM on May 21, 2015 [27 favorites]
e-mail
Something like:
"Hey we said we'd stay friends. Sooo...my friend, I wanted to tell you that I'm engaged (! [or yayy, or something]). I felt that you shouldn't have to hear it from someone else, right?
Blabla, hope you're doing fine, obviously I'm doing great at this point, chatchat.
Hugs
anonymous"
posted by Namlit at 2:19 PM on May 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
Something like:
"Hey we said we'd stay friends. Sooo...my friend, I wanted to tell you that I'm engaged (! [or yayy, or something]). I felt that you shouldn't have to hear it from someone else, right?
Blabla, hope you're doing fine, obviously I'm doing great at this point, chatchat.
Hugs
anonymous"
posted by Namlit at 2:19 PM on May 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
I would like to know indirectly... In a way that I don't have to respond right away. So, an email or grapevine or Facebook.
I might be totally over it but, still, it's a good idea to give me space and time to formulate a response.
Why risk even a small chance of awkwardness. Unless, it would be more awkward to avoid it.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 2:21 PM on May 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
I might be totally over it but, still, it's a good idea to give me space and time to formulate a response.
Why risk even a small chance of awkwardness. Unless, it would be more awkward to avoid it.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 2:21 PM on May 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't think there's anything wrong with erring on the side of sensitivity. If sending an email wouldn't be too inefficient/abnormal, that's probably how I would do it. "Just thought you should know from me rather than from someone else. Hope you're well, etc."
I like when people take care of my feelings in a non-annoying way, even if it's unnecessary.
posted by vunder at 2:25 PM on May 21, 2015
I like when people take care of my feelings in a non-annoying way, even if it's unnecessary.
posted by vunder at 2:25 PM on May 21, 2015
E-mail or personal message. As for Facebook, use Messenger to send it directly to him BEFORE you change your status to engaged.
One ex of mine invited me to her wedding. I wasn't dating anyone at the time. I went alone, and it was one of the most enjoyable weddings I've ever been to, probably because it was more like a college reunion..
The other ex I still keep in touch with updated her Facebook status. That's fine -- I knew it was coming because we had spoken about her now-husband. However, I found out she was pregnant (and this was about two years after she got married) through a local newspaper article on something notable she had recently done just casually mentioned that she "is currently expecting her first child." That was a jarring way to find out news like that, in my opinion.
I'm not really close friends with any of my exes. I stay in contact with two through Facebook and that's it (largely because we live in different states).
posted by tckma at 2:27 PM on May 21, 2015
One ex of mine invited me to her wedding. I wasn't dating anyone at the time. I went alone, and it was one of the most enjoyable weddings I've ever been to, probably because it was more like a college reunion..
The other ex I still keep in touch with updated her Facebook status. That's fine -- I knew it was coming because we had spoken about her now-husband. However, I found out she was pregnant (and this was about two years after she got married) through a local newspaper article on something notable she had recently done just casually mentioned that she "is currently expecting her first child." That was a jarring way to find out news like that, in my opinion.
I'm not really close friends with any of my exes. I stay in contact with two through Facebook and that's it (largely because we live in different states).
posted by tckma at 2:27 PM on May 21, 2015
When I was in a similar situation (still close with someone I'd dated for years, and who I knew still had feelings for me), I e-mailed. The idea of letting him just find out when I changed my status on facebook just seemed totally hurtful, but I also agree that communicating it in a way that gives him his own space to respond (or not) - eg, not the phone - is important.
Even now, almost 5 years after I got engaged/married, if that friend/ex got engaged and I only found out through facebook, I'd be a bit sad.
posted by obfuscation at 2:31 PM on May 21, 2015
Even now, almost 5 years after I got engaged/married, if that friend/ex got engaged and I only found out through facebook, I'd be a bit sad.
posted by obfuscation at 2:31 PM on May 21, 2015
Here's the reason to share with him individually before it's totally public: If you hear news that makes you feel shitty, but you're maybe a little embarrassed that it makes you feel shitty, it sucks to find out about it from a casual friend because you sort of need time to process it and put on your public face, and you don't get that time if someone is like "Oh hey, did you hear..."
posted by vunder at 2:32 PM on May 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by vunder at 2:32 PM on May 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I found out that my ex-husband was getting remarried when he changed his status on Facebook. It felt like I found out the same way as everyone else he didn't really give a shit about, and to be lumped into that category made me sad. We were married, you know? We had a history together, and even though we are both legitimately happier now with our current partners, it felt strangely disrespectful not to have that history acknowledged as he embarked on another marriage.
It would have been very little effort on his part just to send me an email. Send your ex an email.
posted by jesourie at 2:36 PM on May 21, 2015 [14 favorites]
It would have been very little effort on his part just to send me an email. Send your ex an email.
posted by jesourie at 2:36 PM on May 21, 2015 [14 favorites]
One of my exes with whom I was, at the time of her engagement, still friendly (we've since drifted apart a bit), either emailed or (as I suspect, since I can't actually find any trace of such an email) called me to let me know she was engaged, since, as she said, she didn't want me to find out in a mass email or through my getting a save-the-date or something like that.
There wasn't anything awkward about it, to my mind, and I thought it was a nice thing to do, though I also wouldn't have been offended at all if I had found out through a mass email. We'd been broken up for several years at that point, though, so kind of a different situation.
posted by kenko at 2:36 PM on May 21, 2015
There wasn't anything awkward about it, to my mind, and I thought it was a nice thing to do, though I also wouldn't have been offended at all if I had found out through a mass email. We'd been broken up for several years at that point, though, so kind of a different situation.
posted by kenko at 2:36 PM on May 21, 2015
I would definitely rather find something like this out in a non-face to face setting in a short email. Regardless of his feelings, it will be a minor blow for (hopefully) a very short period of time. That's just what we humans do. We think "why am I not getting married?", "what if that had been us?", etc. and I think it's kindest to let him process that without having to put on an instant WOW CONGRATS face.
With friends it could be another public thing where he has to instantly process the five stages of imagined grief. Again, that's not anything on him, I think it's a totally natural reaction to hearing something that could have involved you and is great news for a past partner.
If it matters, I have an ex-fiance that is getting married this weekend of all times so I have experienced it.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:44 PM on May 21, 2015
With friends it could be another public thing where he has to instantly process the five stages of imagined grief. Again, that's not anything on him, I think it's a totally natural reaction to hearing something that could have involved you and is great news for a past partner.
If it matters, I have an ex-fiance that is getting married this weekend of all times so I have experienced it.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:44 PM on May 21, 2015
When I remarried, I didn't tell my ex-spouse about it, because we only talk to each other about our child and the attendant legal issues. My ex noticed my wedding ring and was mad that I hadn't said anything.
Two years later, my ex sent me an email that consisted entirely of "I am now engaged to [name]. We have not set a date." I did not know that [name] existed before that.
Looking back, my ex's method was better. I wish I'd done it that way.
posted by Etrigan at 2:49 PM on May 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Two years later, my ex sent me an email that consisted entirely of "I am now engaged to [name]. We have not set a date." I did not know that [name] existed before that.
Looking back, my ex's method was better. I wish I'd done it that way.
posted by Etrigan at 2:49 PM on May 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
My vote is for an email or text. As jesourie says, this acknowledges your history together but can be done as casually and/or sensitively as you feel appropriate and gives him some privacy to react. I would not do a phone call and especially not face-to-face if you guys don't see each other regularly.
posted by JenMarie at 2:51 PM on May 21, 2015
posted by JenMarie at 2:51 PM on May 21, 2015
Call him. You're on good terms with him, F2F is rare, and email and texts are too impersonal in this case IMO, but I'm old. Congratulations.
posted by Rob Rockets at 2:57 PM on May 21, 2015
posted by Rob Rockets at 2:57 PM on May 21, 2015
I'd start by considering him within the context of other people you consider friends. Based on how close you are and how much you talk and how you talk, how are you informing other friends on a similar level? Also, how do you normally communicate with him? Once you've established what seems comfortable for him as a friend, I would lean toward a non-face-to-face communication like an email, so that if he does feel the understandable pang he would be free to react and then respond to you in a thoughtful way.
He hasn't been your boyfriend for 18 months, and he's your friend now. I would treat him as a friend, with only as much kid-glove sensitivity as you think he needs in respect of your past relationship.
posted by Starling at 3:22 PM on May 21, 2015
He hasn't been your boyfriend for 18 months, and he's your friend now. I would treat him as a friend, with only as much kid-glove sensitivity as you think he needs in respect of your past relationship.
posted by Starling at 3:22 PM on May 21, 2015
If I were your ex, I'd want to hear specifically and not generally or through the grapevine, and I'd want to hear asynchronously (not in a face to face conversation, and more personal than text; email) so that if there were any lingering feelings on my side I would have time to process and form an appropriate response. In other words, Namlit's nailed it--for me. You know this guy and how he likes to communicate.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:29 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:29 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
The one time someone called to tell me they were engaged was really fucking painful and I felt singled out in a very negative way. So I disagree with everyone saying you should single him out.
That said, if you must, email.
You guys should probably stop talking if you have to worry about this, and he can't mention to you in casual conversation who he is currently dating. Seriously, let it go. it's past, it's clearly awkward, and you are needlessly prolonging the agony. I'm sorry you had a loooooong relationship and now you must carry this person forward with you forever. I don't think that is healthy. I don't think forcing friendship after a break-up is particularly useful here.
Again. He can't tell you that he's dating someone. Why do you care how he finds out you are engaged?
I want your marriage to work. Shut the door on the past and embrace your life partner. The rest is a distraction from the looooong journey you and he have in front of you. I hope it is a happy one! Ensure you start off on the right foot by letting go of this weird-on-both-sides quasi-connection.
PS. Neurologically speaking, the pathways that spark for ex need to reorganize. That can't happen if ex is still around, and in some ways, a priority. Right now would be a natural time to form new sparks and new paths by preparing for the adventure of a lifetime with your soon-to-be spouse.
posted by jbenben at 3:35 PM on May 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
That said, if you must, email.
You guys should probably stop talking if you have to worry about this, and he can't mention to you in casual conversation who he is currently dating. Seriously, let it go. it's past, it's clearly awkward, and you are needlessly prolonging the agony. I'm sorry you had a loooooong relationship and now you must carry this person forward with you forever. I don't think that is healthy. I don't think forcing friendship after a break-up is particularly useful here.
Again. He can't tell you that he's dating someone. Why do you care how he finds out you are engaged?
I want your marriage to work. Shut the door on the past and embrace your life partner. The rest is a distraction from the looooong journey you and he have in front of you. I hope it is a happy one! Ensure you start off on the right foot by letting go of this weird-on-both-sides quasi-connection.
PS. Neurologically speaking, the pathways that spark for ex need to reorganize. That can't happen if ex is still around, and in some ways, a priority. Right now would be a natural time to form new sparks and new paths by preparing for the adventure of a lifetime with your soon-to-be spouse.
posted by jbenben at 3:35 PM on May 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Get lunch/coffee/whatever with him, say you want to catch up. Is he going to be invited to the wedding?
posted by capricorn at 4:03 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by capricorn at 4:03 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Why is no one suggesting a handwritten letter? That's traditional, and merciful. People read e-mail at work. People answer the phone in all kinds of places. People usually read letters (written-on-paper, delivered-by-the-post-office letters) when they are alone.
A letter also can be breezy, which indicates you don't think he's pining for you, while at the same time conveying that you take the issue and his feelings seriously enough to actually create the missive.
I've received two of these (admittedly a long time ago), and, while I completely didn't understand why I got them at the time, looking back it was a really great thing to do. Let me know they were off the market (once I realized each letter wasn't some kind of veiled cry for help -- give me a break, I really had no clue about anything), and that they cared enough about me as a person to let me know.
posted by amtho at 4:25 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
A letter also can be breezy, which indicates you don't think he's pining for you, while at the same time conveying that you take the issue and his feelings seriously enough to actually create the missive.
I've received two of these (admittedly a long time ago), and, while I completely didn't understand why I got them at the time, looking back it was a really great thing to do. Let me know they were off the market (once I realized each letter wasn't some kind of veiled cry for help -- give me a break, I really had no clue about anything), and that they cared enough about me as a person to let me know.
posted by amtho at 4:25 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Definitely not in person or on the phone. He may want to not have to react in front of you or immediately. I think a text is weirdly cavalier. I like the idea of a brief email, "Wanted you to hear it from me before we let acquaintances know on social media." If it would be appropriate and in line with your friendship you could suggest that the four of you get a beer "sometime soon..." but not try to get more specific than that.
posted by amaire at 4:26 PM on May 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by amaire at 4:26 PM on May 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
My ex called to tell me the news - it was at least a couple of years post breakup, we'd both moved on romantically (and geographically), but were still friendly and spoke regularly.
It was awkward, actually, really awkward.
I think he felt that he was doing me a kindness, but the truth is that the romantic feelings were looong gone and it felt like he was making a big deal out of nothing by singling me out in this way. I wondered, even, if he wanted or expected me to react a certain way.
It may not feel particularly kind or sensitive to you for your ex to find out via mutual friends, but this would have been vastly preferable to me.
posted by sm1tten at 4:31 PM on May 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
It was awkward, actually, really awkward.
I think he felt that he was doing me a kindness, but the truth is that the romantic feelings were looong gone and it felt like he was making a big deal out of nothing by singling me out in this way. I wondered, even, if he wanted or expected me to react a certain way.
It may not feel particularly kind or sensitive to you for your ex to find out via mutual friends, but this would have been vastly preferable to me.
posted by sm1tten at 4:31 PM on May 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
Neither of my serious exes told me they were engaged or getting married, but we were also not on good terms. In fact, one just got married a few weeks ago. I found out on Facebook; I probably should have unfriended his family and all our mutual friends. I spent the weekend scrolling through obsessively and cradling a bottle of white wine. It sucked.
And of the exes that I am on good terms with - well, it's relative, "good terms" means that I don't want to punch them in the face, but it doesn't mean that we ever call just to chat. If one of these guys got engaged, I'd be happy for him and wouldn't mind at all for such news to pop up on my Facebook feed. I would think it was weird and intense if they called me special to tell me or sent me a special message. I'd think - does he really need to make extra sure I know, like he thinks this means something to me? Why would he think that - does it mean something special to him to know that I know?
TL;DR - don't go out of your way to mention it special to him. If either my good-term or bad-term exes called up special to tell me, I'd find it very disconcerting. Go passive grape-vine and turn your attention to wedding plans!
posted by mibo at 4:53 PM on May 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
And of the exes that I am on good terms with - well, it's relative, "good terms" means that I don't want to punch them in the face, but it doesn't mean that we ever call just to chat. If one of these guys got engaged, I'd be happy for him and wouldn't mind at all for such news to pop up on my Facebook feed. I would think it was weird and intense if they called me special to tell me or sent me a special message. I'd think - does he really need to make extra sure I know, like he thinks this means something to me? Why would he think that - does it mean something special to him to know that I know?
TL;DR - don't go out of your way to mention it special to him. If either my good-term or bad-term exes called up special to tell me, I'd find it very disconcerting. Go passive grape-vine and turn your attention to wedding plans!
posted by mibo at 4:53 PM on May 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm friends with a number of my exes and I would want to hear this in whatever way we normally communicate. There are some things that it's not cool to find out via a general post to facebook or the like.
posted by bile and syntax at 5:14 PM on May 21, 2015
posted by bile and syntax at 5:14 PM on May 21, 2015
Why is no one suggesting a handwritten letter? That's traditional, and merciful.
Probably because hand-written letters are unusual enough in this day and also in this age that sending one to deliver this news can't help but give the act a lot of weight.
posted by kenko at 5:14 PM on May 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
Probably because hand-written letters are unusual enough in this day and also in this age that sending one to deliver this news can't help but give the act a lot of weight.
posted by kenko at 5:14 PM on May 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
Are you sure he shouldn't find out some other way not from you? I think it would be embarrassing for you both if he had to pretend he hasn't moved on, or adding to embarrassment that he knows you think he's still hung up on you or that he's pathetic enough to be hung up on a woman who is with someone else and didn't want him.
posted by discopolo at 5:55 PM on May 21, 2015
posted by discopolo at 5:55 PM on May 21, 2015
Please, for the love of God, don't just let your ex find out on Facebook. The thing about Facebook, is that most people check out throughout the day. If your ex needs time to process (which, YMMV, but I certainly would for any of my last several exes), learning this news in the middle of the work day on Facebook will be quite jarring.
If you don't talk regularly in person, it would be weird to make a point of doing so. Just send an email.
posted by cheerwine at 6:04 PM on May 21, 2015
If you don't talk regularly in person, it would be weird to make a point of doing so. Just send an email.
posted by cheerwine at 6:04 PM on May 21, 2015
On reflection and reading later comments, probably would have been a good idea for me to add: I'm on extremely good terms with almost everyone I've ever seriously dated. There are a couple outliers; one would elicit the response "why the hell are you talking to me?" if he contacted me with this news and the other would be a very awkward conversation for both of us, yet one I think we'd both want to have.
And, I think perhaps I glided right past "I'd feel a pang." I have to wonder whether your interest in telling him specifically is something closer to putting the relationship to bed once and for all for you. Might be worth examining that for yourself.
Still, it's a sticky situation. You have a shared history together, and whatever pangs may be there, I think it's admirable that you want to honour that.
Perhaps an alternate phrasing might be something like "Hi $friend, I have some news, and there's a short list of people I wanted to tell privately before it gets out there. I'm getting engaged."
That allows for private time for him to process if needed, spells out "you are one of the people in my life who really matters to me," without singling him out for awkward spotlight attention. (And, to keep yourself honest, maybe send the same message to those few other people you want to know before the general public does.)
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:10 PM on May 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
And, I think perhaps I glided right past "I'd feel a pang." I have to wonder whether your interest in telling him specifically is something closer to putting the relationship to bed once and for all for you. Might be worth examining that for yourself.
Still, it's a sticky situation. You have a shared history together, and whatever pangs may be there, I think it's admirable that you want to honour that.
Perhaps an alternate phrasing might be something like "Hi $friend, I have some news, and there's a short list of people I wanted to tell privately before it gets out there. I'm getting engaged."
That allows for private time for him to process if needed, spells out "you are one of the people in my life who really matters to me," without singling him out for awkward spotlight attention. (And, to keep yourself honest, maybe send the same message to those few other people you want to know before the general public does.)
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:10 PM on May 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
I vote for email or text. I'd been apart from my ex for three years by the time I told him in chat that I was engaged to the man I'd been dating for a year. At the time I had assumed my ex and I were friends and had both moved on. Apparently this was not the case, he had just been waiting for my relationship to crash and burn so he could get back together with me and getting engaged effectually quashed that idea for him. So he flipped out (over chat, soooo much fun!) and we never spoke again, on his insistence. Oh, but first he had asked for everything of value back that he'd ever given me. He was, uh, really mature about things.
Anyway, whilst unexpected and not my preferred way at the time, it was certainly helpful to have that conversation to ensure that relationship was put firmly behind me, going into my marriage. Hopefully your announcement goes over a little easier.
posted by Jubey at 7:45 PM on May 21, 2015
Anyway, whilst unexpected and not my preferred way at the time, it was certainly helpful to have that conversation to ensure that relationship was put firmly behind me, going into my marriage. Hopefully your announcement goes over a little easier.
posted by Jubey at 7:45 PM on May 21, 2015
I did it on the phone and it didn't go as well as I had hoped, for exactly the reason people suggest above -- people can need time to process this kind of information, and phone or in person can put them on the spot instead of letting them pause and reflect. If I had to do it again, I would send an email instead.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:55 PM on May 21, 2015
posted by Dip Flash at 7:55 PM on May 21, 2015
There is no good way to do this. Part of me thinks "best to let it filter through your social network" assuming you have enough connections in common (like, say, you both share a close friend who can break the news). But I also know that can backfire -- I heard big news about a friend from another friend and I was really hurt I wasn't told by the person in question.
But I guess depending on how close you are to him, it might be best to tell him in whatever your most common method of contact is (although preferably one you can tell him and not expect an immediate reaction -- so text or email might be best, but timed right, so he's not at work or whatever).
Even if you're both over each other, it's still going to be weird, honestly, because we're humans. I'm glad you're sensitive about this.
posted by darksong at 9:08 PM on May 21, 2015
But I guess depending on how close you are to him, it might be best to tell him in whatever your most common method of contact is (although preferably one you can tell him and not expect an immediate reaction -- so text or email might be best, but timed right, so he's not at work or whatever).
Even if you're both over each other, it's still going to be weird, honestly, because we're humans. I'm glad you're sensitive about this.
posted by darksong at 9:08 PM on May 21, 2015
I love the learning through Facebook idea. Not only do you see the engagement, but you see the likes, the happy comments, the happy photos, the celebration, the support group, and you're immediately struck with how undeniably good & right the whole operation is. If... it is. Which I'm assuming it is.
But, y'know. Feelings about FB aside, it's just very real, and open, and undeniable, and it's not a bad way to learn such things.
Contrast with a Gchat conversation.
"Hey. I'm, er, engaged."
"Oh? What's his name?"
"I, well... you met him, if you remember."
"Huh."
posted by tapesonthefloor at 7:44 AM on May 22, 2015
But, y'know. Feelings about FB aside, it's just very real, and open, and undeniable, and it's not a bad way to learn such things.
Contrast with a Gchat conversation.
"Hey. I'm, er, engaged."
"Oh? What's his name?"
"I, well... you met him, if you remember."
"Huh."
posted by tapesonthefloor at 7:44 AM on May 22, 2015
we speak more or less regularly and it's not weird or painful, it's nice and friendly
Whichever medium you use for talking, just use that to tell him.
I am similarly friendly with my ex, and I appreciate that he told me before broadcasting it. It wasn't impersonal that he did it in Gchat, because that's how we typically keep in touch.
posted by desuetude at 7:48 AM on May 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Whichever medium you use for talking, just use that to tell him.
I am similarly friendly with my ex, and I appreciate that he told me before broadcasting it. It wasn't impersonal that he did it in Gchat, because that's how we typically keep in touch.
posted by desuetude at 7:48 AM on May 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Is there anyone else you want to share the news with that either can't be called (due to living in another country or something) or you just don't really feel needs their own call, but should be told before the facebook crowd? A group email (bcc'd to everyone) could be an option. "Hey friends! We wanted to let you all know our happy news..." etc. More personal than finding out through facebook/grapevine, but gives him time to process, if needed.
It's sort of unclear how close you are -- you say you speak, "more or less regularly," but that could mean anything from once a week to once every couple of months. If you're in touch often enough that you'd likely talk to him before sharing the news on facebook anyway, a phone call would probably be more appropriate.
posted by SugarAndSass at 10:37 AM on May 22, 2015
It's sort of unclear how close you are -- you say you speak, "more or less regularly," but that could mean anything from once a week to once every couple of months. If you're in touch often enough that you'd likely talk to him before sharing the news on facebook anyway, a phone call would probably be more appropriate.
posted by SugarAndSass at 10:37 AM on May 22, 2015
If you had a long relationship with this guy and broke up only ayear and a half ago and are engaged I would not single him out to tell him directly, let Facebook do the work, or an engagement party or jus thte next time you're out with a bunch of people. I think telling him alone would seem like it has some baggage attached to it.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:25 AM on May 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by WeekendJen at 11:25 AM on May 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
send a text. "Hi, I wanted you to hear it from me, I'm engaged." That's all it takes to solve the whole issue. Don't overthink it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:29 PM on May 22, 2015
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:29 PM on May 22, 2015
In a SORT OF analogous situation, I had a guy call me and tell me, even though we mostly communicated online. Downside: yes, in the moment, it had awkwardness. Upside: it made me feel cared for and like he still wanted me to feel like I mattered.
There's no perfect way, and it depends on the person and situation. For me, grapevine would have been awful, but then, he and I are still really close. It's been ages since we dated and it's been over for everybody for ages, but the pang still happens.
You have to think about him specifically, not the situation generally. What will feel to him like an act of kindness? Space and privacy, or directness and contact? It depends on the guy. The trick is to put on your His Friend hat and give His Ex advice in your own head. As someone who knows him, what would you advise a different ex of his to do?
posted by Linda_Holmes at 5:52 PM on May 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's no perfect way, and it depends on the person and situation. For me, grapevine would have been awful, but then, he and I are still really close. It's been ages since we dated and it's been over for everybody for ages, but the pang still happens.
You have to think about him specifically, not the situation generally. What will feel to him like an act of kindness? Space and privacy, or directness and contact? It depends on the guy. The trick is to put on your His Friend hat and give His Ex advice in your own head. As someone who knows him, what would you advise a different ex of his to do?
posted by Linda_Holmes at 5:52 PM on May 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
He's your friend, right? How are you telling your other friends? Do that.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 8:15 PM on May 23, 2015
posted by mysterious_stranger at 8:15 PM on May 23, 2015
In his position I would like to know by email. Not in person because that would be making a big deal of it and then I'd have to respond with congratulations immediately whilst feeling a bit aargh inside. Finding out on the grapevine or by Facebook is a bit harsh, though.
posted by intensitymultiply at 2:49 PM on June 11, 2015
posted by intensitymultiply at 2:49 PM on June 11, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
I would also ask myself why I wanted to tell him. My ex is engaged and I only know from Facebook (he got engaged when I still had a Facebook). It's kind of... not my business, really. Even though I wish him well and still have fondness for him I would not have wanted him to tell me about this. My feeling would have been - why are you telling me this?
So really ask yourself what your motives are here before you do anything.
posted by sockermom at 2:10 PM on May 21, 2015 [7 favorites]