I don't want to be a crazy ex-girlfriend.
November 28, 2010 3:31 PM Subscribe
How do I stop my obsession of stalking/thinking of my ex so that I can start liking myself again?
Before the therapy suggestion gets thrown out there--I am on a waiting list for a college counselor but will probably not start seeing one until late January.
I obsessively think of/cyber-stalk my ex. He is often my first waking thought and is always on my mind right before I sleep. I think about him throughout the day and so much so that sometimes I cannot even concentrate. When I get on the computer, the first things I check are the sites he sometimes frequents. I do daily (and usually multiple times in a day) google searches of his name/online aliases. I also check his recent activity on certain forums and youtube.
I know this is very unhealthy and unproductive. We have been broken up for over a year already and I know I shouldn't be doing this. I tried to stop by using a firefox add-on to block all the sites I check to see his online activity, however, less than a week after I did this I began using Internet Explorer to check up on all the websites. I feel like I'm addicted to this type of behavior.
Relationship History: My ex was my first boyfriend and I fell very hard for him. After a few months, I found out that he had been cheating on me repeatedly. One of the ways he did so was by soliciting sex through online ads while he was studying abroad. I was able to find some of his ads through google and have been hooked on looking him up on the internet ever since.
After I found out he had been cheating on me, I tried to break the relationship off. He told me he made mistakes and I ended up taking him back. Less than a month after that, he changed his mind about wanting to be with me again. I had low self-esteem even before I met him, but with the cheating and multiple rejections, I felt worthless and unwanted.
Every time I look him up on the internet, I'm reminded of what little will power and self-respect I have. I was very dependent on him and would have sex with him just so that I could be near him. When I repeatedly think of him throughout the day, I am mostly thinking of him with other girls or how stupid and weak I was for letting him walk all over me. Still, I often sit around in front of my computer on MSN waiting for him to log-on and message me. He usually doesn't, and after obsessively checking his profile status after a few hours to a few days, I cave in and message him first. The conversations are always about him and they don't really go anywhere.
I feel trapped by my behavior. I know I need to stop because as I continue to think about him/how stupid I was, I continue to lose respect for myself. I want to build back some of my self-esteem and I want to move on. But I don't have many friends (I don't have very good social skills and don’t know how to get close to others easily) and I am very lonely so my thoughts often drift to him.
How can I get better? I know that I need to stop thinking about him and try to make new friends or do things I like to make myself feel better/build up my self-esteem. But how? I guess what I am looking for is not so much "you should do this/that" advice but insight, encouragement, books/movies/songs I should read/watch/listen to that will help me snap out of these self-hating, stalker moods.
(Also, he does not know I cyber-stalk him. He does know that I am not over him but not to this crazy obsessive degree. He coming back to town and I really would like to end this habit now so I won't be tempted to see him again AKA have sex with him and hate myself in the morning)