Mixed signals from a guy - Is he still interested in me?
May 18, 2015 4:26 PM   Subscribe

A couple of months ago, I met this guy (22 yo) through a mutual friend at a dinner party. Let's call him Josh. We seemed to click well. He didn't ask for my number but he added me on Facebook and started messaging me everyday for about 2 weeks. At the time, he was living in a different city so he didn't ask me out but he did suggest that I should come hang out with him and the mutual friend again. Our convo was mostly about school (nothing flirtatious). I sensed that he ended the convo because we ran out of things to talk about.

The next time Josh came in town, the mutual friend invited me to come hang out with a group of friends (including Josh) and I couldn't make it due to illness. Afterward, the mutual friend told me that Josh is interested in me and he was disappointed that I didn't come. However, he didn't message me or anything asking if I was ok or wishing me a speedy recovery.

Yesterday, I unexpectedly met Josh again at the mutual friend's house. Apparently, he came into town but did not tell me. We talked to each other, he made me a drink, teased me a bit, but he didn't seem to put much effort (ie. didn't talk to me a lot, didn't sit near me, etc.). Around 11 pm, the group decided to go to a bar and I offered to drive because I was sober. Since we had a big group, some of us had to take an Uber. To my surprise, Josh refused to ride with me. Instead, he wanted to ride the Uber with a few other guys. The group that rode with me got to the bar and hung out for about an hour and Josh's group still hadn't arrived. I excused myself to leave at around 12:30 PM before Josh arrived because I had to get up early for work the next morning. I messaged Josh and apologized to him for leaving early and not waiting for him. He said "it's ok, maybe next time. Hope you had fun though". I replied with "For sure, will definitely make plan for next time! Btw, the drink at the bar was not as good as the one you made for me" and he didn't reply.

Does it seem like he has lost interest in me or am I thinking too much? Thank you for your response.
posted by missybitsy to Human Relations (16 answers total)
I really get the impression that he's not really into you but the mutual friend really thinks you should be together.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 4:30 PM on May 18, 2015 [6 favorites]

-he didn't seem to put much effort
-didn't talk to me a lot
-didn't sit near me
-refused to ride with me
-and he didn't reply
Sorry, no, he's not into you.
posted by phunniemee at 4:31 PM on May 18, 2015 [14 favorites]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he was ever that into you. If he was he would probably grab any opportunity to hang out with you and he hasn't done that so far.

Throw caution to the wind and send him a message to see if he wants to grab drinks with just you the next time you're in the same place. Can't hurt.
posted by Diskeater at 4:33 PM on May 18, 2015 [3 favorites]

Waste no more mental energy on this one... There's a guy out there who will be as into you as you are him and you won't have to wonder "does he?" like this.
posted by cecic at 4:36 PM on May 18, 2015 [8 favorites]

No, he's not into you. Sorry. :(
posted by J. Wilson at 4:48 PM on May 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

Hey, lady. Don't read into any of this stuff. Meet more guys, enjoy your time with your friends and move on. Who knows what is going on in his mind? Promise - none of us do, and it does not matter. Just enjoy your life and I promise the right dudes will be attracted. Who freakin' cares about this guy.
posted by rhythm_queen at 5:14 PM on May 18, 2015 [2 favorites]

my take- he was interested initially (otherwise why add you on facebook and message you everyday?) , then something happened, like he met someone else, got distracted, didn't get response from you he was looking for, etc, and then his interest went elsewhere. Don't take it personally.
posted by bearette at 5:30 PM on May 18, 2015 [16 favorites]

If a dude is "sending mixed signals" or otherwise doesn't appear to be enthusiastically into you, don't freaking bother with him.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:36 PM on May 18, 2015 [7 favorites]

He is politely deflecting your interest. Happens to us all at some point. Move along and find someone super into you!
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 6:49 PM on May 18, 2015 [2 favorites]

Another perspective: maybe he's too shy? Too afraid to face the thought of being with you - it's about him, it's not about you.
posted by dubious_dude at 8:02 PM on May 18, 2015

I think bearette has it. You're reading things correctly. For whatever reason, his interest has waned, & I'm sure that smarts a bit. To his credit, it sounds like he was doing his best to communicate politely he was no longer interested in that way, though saying so would have been worlds easier. People very rarely do that though, especially when they are young. Also, since you're not living in the same city, the chances of this becoming something are fairly slim. Focuses your energies on better prospects, who clearly reciprocate your enthusiasm. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 8:31 PM on May 18, 2015

It sounds like you weren't all that into him either, until the mutual friend told you he liked you. It sounds like you two are friends now, which is probably a good place to leave it.
posted by superfish at 12:56 AM on May 19, 2015

I'm reading some mix of bearette and dubious_dude. Shy, wanted you to read his mind and take the lead / make it easy for him, didn't get the response he expected and not willing to stick his neck out and/or doesn't know how to "get" a girl, afraid of rejection so kinda avoiding you now. In short, a not very confident guy in his early 20s. Don't feel bad about letting this one float on by; if you got together it'd probably be frustrating for you both anyways since you seem to have different communication styles, and you sound fairly confident whereas he sounds insecure. Don't give it another thought.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:29 AM on May 19, 2015

Thing is, none of us are mind readers. You're not either.

If you want a definitive answer from him, ask him point-blank "Hey Josh, would you like to go on a date?"

The thing is, many people here keep giving you the same advice: ask him. Sure, the likelihood is that he's not interested. Or he's shy or socially inept or any of a thousand other things.

Ask. Him. The way to start a relationship with someone is to talk to them. We keep telling you this. It might be effective for you to take the time to think about why you're asking essentially the same question over and over again. Are you taking our advice? Because while it is absolutely your choice to heed or disregard advice as you see fit, it's worth noting a basic and simple truth: Nobody on the planet is telepathic, and the only way to know how someone else truly feels, and to make sure they know how you truly feel, is to have a conversation with them about both of those things.

That's never going to change. Your next iteration of the same question isn't going to magically produce someone saying "Oh yes, the males of the human species always do X to mean Y," because men are no more monolithic than women are.

Dating when you're experienced at it is an emotionally fraught minefield. Dating when you're relatively inexperienced, as you are, can be pretty terrifying and wildly confusing. So, please understand that--speaking for myself at least; I suspect the same is true of other answerers--the answers you're getting are informed both by compassion and by experience.

It feels like you're trying to find some sort of ruleset, some rubric for interpreting all behaviour, which unfortunately doesn't exist. Are you familiar with Ask Culture vs Guess Culture? Sounds to me like perhaps you're a Guess sort of person, and while I'm biased as an Ask person, the thing about dating is that guessing and mind-reading is really, really likely to lead you to heartbreak. Relationships are built on open communication about wants and needs and desires and boundaries. I really strongly suggest, as so many of us have said to you so many times, that you start being proactive and actually talk to these guys you are interested in.

"Hey, Dave, would you like to go on a date?"
"Mike, it's missybitsy, we met in Professor Teacher's basketweaving seminar. Want to grab a drink on Saturday? Like a date kinda thing?"
"Albert, I'd really like you to kiss me right now. What do you say to that?"
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:29 AM on May 19, 2015 [6 favorites]

It doesn't seem like honestly there ever WAS much/any interest on his part--adding people on FB is pretty bog-standard "you're a person I met" behavior, and you yourself say the convos were never even flirtatious a little. Seems like you might've jumped the gun on expecting things like "speedy recovery" texts and a check-in when he was going to be in town.

I agree with FFFM, direct is best, but if for whatever reason you don't want to go the direct route: you'll never go wrong with assuming "no interest" until definitive and un-ignorable interest has been communicated to you.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:22 AM on May 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

He's either not into you or not confident.

If you don't care about the confidence, then get bold with him and ask him for a drink.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:23 PM on May 19, 2015

« Older How long is too long to wait for my custom bicycle...   |   Volunteer work for loners Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.