Moving home after year abroad - am I making the right decision?
May 18, 2015 2:05 PM Subscribe
In a few months I will move home - but how can I know this is right for me?
The past 5 years haven't been easy for me. One of my best friends died and then a family member died a few years later. I completed my degree during this time, got my first post-grad job and had a relationship. But overall, I was not happy. I craved the chance to travel & came to a wonderful city nearly a year ago.
At the time I left I was at a fork in the road - either I could stay on the path I was on, writing, performing & getting to know people in my industry (I have had stories published and am a freelance journalist) or travel the world. I chose travel. I love where I live. I am in the love with the city, I am learning a language & I have met wonderful people from every corner of the world. I am happy here and feel content for the most part. This is a big deal for me because it has taken several years to get here. Travel has been very healing.
I am teaching English and have loved teaching. I can feel myself improving although it's not always easy! But some downsides are that while I have cultivated strong friendships here, I will soon have to leave them behind. That is because some of them will stay here and others are also leaving. I have dated two guys, one who has just moved home to pursue his lifelong career & another who is planning to move to the city next door to my hometown. I struggle with the transience of these relationships typical of the expat lifestyle. Before I left, I had a boyfriend and a best friend who has mysteriously cut contact (previous thread). That is gone but I have family and a few friends in the city I would move home to, but overall most people have geographically dispersed. I will need to start over.
So, I am more content here than I have been in a while. What if I move home and lose all of that? What if I'm miserable? But on the other hand I know I must return if I really want to pursue a career in media and publish a couple of books. Help me gain clarity...
The past 5 years haven't been easy for me. One of my best friends died and then a family member died a few years later. I completed my degree during this time, got my first post-grad job and had a relationship. But overall, I was not happy. I craved the chance to travel & came to a wonderful city nearly a year ago.
At the time I left I was at a fork in the road - either I could stay on the path I was on, writing, performing & getting to know people in my industry (I have had stories published and am a freelance journalist) or travel the world. I chose travel. I love where I live. I am in the love with the city, I am learning a language & I have met wonderful people from every corner of the world. I am happy here and feel content for the most part. This is a big deal for me because it has taken several years to get here. Travel has been very healing.
I am teaching English and have loved teaching. I can feel myself improving although it's not always easy! But some downsides are that while I have cultivated strong friendships here, I will soon have to leave them behind. That is because some of them will stay here and others are also leaving. I have dated two guys, one who has just moved home to pursue his lifelong career & another who is planning to move to the city next door to my hometown. I struggle with the transience of these relationships typical of the expat lifestyle. Before I left, I had a boyfriend and a best friend who has mysteriously cut contact (previous thread). That is gone but I have family and a few friends in the city I would move home to, but overall most people have geographically dispersed. I will need to start over.
So, I am more content here than I have been in a while. What if I move home and lose all of that? What if I'm miserable? But on the other hand I know I must return if I really want to pursue a career in media and publish a couple of books. Help me gain clarity...
Response by poster: The first guy was a local - it just so happens that he now wants to move to my home country!
posted by Kat_Dubs at 2:30 PM on May 18, 2015
posted by Kat_Dubs at 2:30 PM on May 18, 2015
Yeah, I agree, if you do stay, get a job with a title that will be easily make sense to employers back home, in a sector that's viable back home, in case you find you want to do that. ESL teaching experience is great and can be very rewarding, but it's unlikely there's a lot of funding for that (i.e. not too many jobs) for you back home. (Unless you want to get into non-ESL teaching, then it's helpful [but not necessary] experience.)
FWIW, of the people I've known who've travelled, very few have put down roots abroad. Like 4/20, and two of them still vacillate about it, years out, because their parents are now aging, and that's hard. If you want family at some point, all related decisions are going to be painful and complicated.
The thing about extended travel is that living the role of the anonymous visitor takes the pressure off, it makes you feel less compelled to commit to other existential goals. That's comforting in some ways, not so much in others, eventually. It's different if you actively work on your writing where you are, or if travel is explicitly related to your career ambitions, e.g. you're somewhere to do a particular program or job. (That said, you could write from anywhere, really - but getting it out there does require a not-insignificant amount of networking, which is less easy to do from anywhere.)
And you're right, the people around you now will keep leaving. And the longer you stay, the harder it will be to re-acclimate if you do eventually return - your friends back home (who are more likely to stay where they are) will continue to make memories without you; no-one will be there to validate your memories; the culture rolls along and you'll have missed huge chunks of it. Etc.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:41 PM on May 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
FWIW, of the people I've known who've travelled, very few have put down roots abroad. Like 4/20, and two of them still vacillate about it, years out, because their parents are now aging, and that's hard. If you want family at some point, all related decisions are going to be painful and complicated.
The thing about extended travel is that living the role of the anonymous visitor takes the pressure off, it makes you feel less compelled to commit to other existential goals. That's comforting in some ways, not so much in others, eventually. It's different if you actively work on your writing where you are, or if travel is explicitly related to your career ambitions, e.g. you're somewhere to do a particular program or job. (That said, you could write from anywhere, really - but getting it out there does require a not-insignificant amount of networking, which is less easy to do from anywhere.)
And you're right, the people around you now will keep leaving. And the longer you stay, the harder it will be to re-acclimate if you do eventually return - your friends back home (who are more likely to stay where they are) will continue to make memories without you; no-one will be there to validate your memories; the culture rolls along and you'll have missed huge chunks of it. Etc.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:41 PM on May 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't leave until you are "done". Otherwise you will be spending the rest of your life going back...
posted by Mac-Expert at 2:46 PM on May 18, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by Mac-Expert at 2:46 PM on May 18, 2015 [10 favorites]
When I was living abroad, a visit home helped me decide whether it was time to go back. Can you go home for a few weeks and see how you feel?
My other answer is no, you can't know for sure if its the right thing to do. Life's like that. But know that you will be okay whatever you decide and that you can always change your mind. You've moved before, started over before, you can do it again. Things don't always go the way you imagine or hope but like the contentment you found in your present situation, unexpected and lovely things can happen to you anywhere, anytime.
Don't move just for the guy.
Good luck.
posted by stellathon at 3:53 PM on May 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
My other answer is no, you can't know for sure if its the right thing to do. Life's like that. But know that you will be okay whatever you decide and that you can always change your mind. You've moved before, started over before, you can do it again. Things don't always go the way you imagine or hope but like the contentment you found in your present situation, unexpected and lovely things can happen to you anywhere, anytime.
Don't move just for the guy.
Good luck.
posted by stellathon at 3:53 PM on May 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
I can't tell you what the right thing is to do, but I want to point out that you are referring to your point of origin as "home." I wonder if you are having difficulty deciding because of the implications of that word, both for the place it indicates and in opposition to where you are now.
posted by janey47 at 3:57 PM on May 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 3:57 PM on May 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Is there a reason you assume you cannot publish books or work in media where you are? I suppose it depends where you are, but freelance journalist is one of those jobs expats often have-- many of my friends over the years have worked in media, and they were able to successfully do so abroad. (Maybe even more successfully, in some cases.)
One year isn't long enough to put down roots. One year is just long enough to get through the honeymoon period. I've been an expat for nearly 20 years, and my relationships aren't transient. I'm not recommending this lifestyle, necessarily, I'm just saying that one year isn't enough time to know what your life can be like if you decide to live where you are...
In general though, I'm old enough to realise I regret very few of my life choices. You will have things to learn and accomplish whichever path you pick-- that sounds trite, but may be a little comforting.
posted by frumiousb at 4:06 PM on May 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
One year isn't long enough to put down roots. One year is just long enough to get through the honeymoon period. I've been an expat for nearly 20 years, and my relationships aren't transient. I'm not recommending this lifestyle, necessarily, I'm just saying that one year isn't enough time to know what your life can be like if you decide to live where you are...
In general though, I'm old enough to realise I regret very few of my life choices. You will have things to learn and accomplish whichever path you pick-- that sounds trite, but may be a little comforting.
posted by frumiousb at 4:06 PM on May 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
I had a similar dilemma, after 3.5 years abroad. I don't have a straight answer for you, but thought it might be useful to share my experience by way of expectation management.
After 3.5 years away, I moved home and missed the place I'd been living a lot, particularly the contentment and simpler lifestyle. I moved back and returned to my journalism career, and it was hard work. I got a good but exhausting job, and spent a couple of years determined that I would eventually go back abroad and would be much happier. Then the chance was handed me on a plate... and I realised I really didn't want to go away again. All the reasons I'd left in the first place to return home were still there.
It was only after that, that I really settled to my new life back home, and now I know it was absolutely the right decision.
Which is to say - if/when you return home, be prepared for a hefty bump as you come back home to land. You've suddenly lost the feeling of 'specialness' that everything had overseas, and you're starting from scratch again building friends, work etc. That doesn't mean it was the wrong decision - it just takes time.
Also, on preview: Interesting point raised by janey47 but it's not one that's ever held water for me - after a lifetime of roaming I seem to be capable of referring to about three different places as 'home' at any one time. Talking about the town I grew up in as home has never meant that I don't also feel totally at home elsewhere. In case that saves you some soul-searching.
posted by penguin pie at 4:09 PM on May 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
After 3.5 years away, I moved home and missed the place I'd been living a lot, particularly the contentment and simpler lifestyle. I moved back and returned to my journalism career, and it was hard work. I got a good but exhausting job, and spent a couple of years determined that I would eventually go back abroad and would be much happier. Then the chance was handed me on a plate... and I realised I really didn't want to go away again. All the reasons I'd left in the first place to return home were still there.
It was only after that, that I really settled to my new life back home, and now I know it was absolutely the right decision.
Which is to say - if/when you return home, be prepared for a hefty bump as you come back home to land. You've suddenly lost the feeling of 'specialness' that everything had overseas, and you're starting from scratch again building friends, work etc. That doesn't mean it was the wrong decision - it just takes time.
Also, on preview: Interesting point raised by janey47 but it's not one that's ever held water for me - after a lifetime of roaming I seem to be capable of referring to about three different places as 'home' at any one time. Talking about the town I grew up in as home has never meant that I don't also feel totally at home elsewhere. In case that saves you some soul-searching.
posted by penguin pie at 4:09 PM on May 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
I've done a couple of internships in Europe, one in a university research lab. A girl who joined the lab shortly after I did seemed a little standoffish at first, but we gradually became good friends. Close to the end of my stay, she confessed to me that she'd told herself initially not to get close to me, since she knew I'd inevitably be leaving, and she'd had enough of these temporary friendships.
Having just spoken to her last week on Skype, I'm not sure how 'transient' you'd call our relationship. Of course, we're not as close as when we were both in Europe, but we keep up a low-key friendship by Skype and email and postcards. Most of the people I met in that lab are no longer living in that country. Depending on the crowd you run with, dispersal might just be a fact of life for your peers.
I moved home both times, and while initially I was yearning to be back in Europe, I re-settled into my life back in Canada, and have made a decent start on a career which I couldn't have in Europe. My friends aren't quite the same, but I've made new ones, and overall I'm very happy with my decision.
I did have a job interview for a permanent position while I was interning the second time; I knew moving home was right for me when I was more relieved than upset that I didn't get an offer.
posted by invokeuse at 5:44 PM on May 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Having just spoken to her last week on Skype, I'm not sure how 'transient' you'd call our relationship. Of course, we're not as close as when we were both in Europe, but we keep up a low-key friendship by Skype and email and postcards. Most of the people I met in that lab are no longer living in that country. Depending on the crowd you run with, dispersal might just be a fact of life for your peers.
I moved home both times, and while initially I was yearning to be back in Europe, I re-settled into my life back in Canada, and have made a decent start on a career which I couldn't have in Europe. My friends aren't quite the same, but I've made new ones, and overall I'm very happy with my decision.
I did have a job interview for a permanent position while I was interning the second time; I knew moving home was right for me when I was more relieved than upset that I didn't get an offer.
posted by invokeuse at 5:44 PM on May 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Next time abroad, perhaps try socializing with and dating locals (and perhaps integrated expats), rather than other temporarily-there "expat lifestyle" types. That might feel less transient.
posted by wonton endangerment at 2:24 PM on May 18, 2015 [3 favorites]