Break up, yep.

November 4, 2010 5:34 PM

Break-ups and the future: how to proceed?

I am 26. My (ex) boyfriend is 28. We had been together for about 8.5 years, since I was 17 years old. I have recently moved to a different country for a job until next spring. For the past few years, I began having doubts about our relationships. My concerns included:

+ After going out with someone so long, do I really know myself? How do I know this is the right person for me? I kind of missed out on the whole dating scene and considered that it might benefit me to have other partners at some point. I also wanted to spend some time on my own, just to become a little more independent and be able to take care of myself.

+ I was also concerned about my boyfriend's lack of a job. He has had a few odd jobs over the years, but nothing more permanent. He is very creative and has many hobbies but doesn't like the idea of a desk job (which, as a creative person, I understand). I worried about him supporting himself in the future, if we were together. Unfortunately, his mother passed away in the past year and he is currently living at home with his father. He has not had a lot of job experience and is therefore not qualified for many positions. He has applied for a number of jobs and internships but has not been successful (and has been inconsistent in applying).

+ Even after such a long relationship, I was not ready to live together or get married. I think this is because of the two previous reasons: not being 100% sure I was with the right person, and worrying about his ability to support himself (and in the future, a family). That part really scared me. I didn't want to be responsible for supporting him financially.

+ We both become easily stressed. I often react to stress with more stress, which has been extremely unhelpful especially when the (ex) boyfriend was already having a hard time. Because of this, some of our interactions often often turned sour. This is something that we can both work on individually.

Despite all those doubts, I loved and love this person deeply. He has been extremely patient and forgiving and understanding through the years. He is a creative genius. He is very intelligent. He and I had a very romantic beginning and felt a special connection right away. We make a great pair in many ways. I'm not going to stop loving him, no matter what happens. The relationship was very good in many ways, but the doubts above still worried me.

Recently, I decided that ending things would be the best idea. I'm in a new country and it seemed like a logical time to try being on my own. I know this is the right decision. The problem lies here: I would like to date other people and experience that part of life that I sort of missed out on while we were together. I would like to know what it feels like to be a single person for the first time. I would like to grow up a little bit without becoming dependent on someone else and without being so influenced by someone else. However, I have the feeling that this relationship could potentially continue at some point in time. Some changes would have to be made on both sides, of course, but we have such a strong history and the love is still very much there.

I know that it is inappropriate to be a "free" person and go on dates while your former significant other waits for you to decide what you really want- and I don't plan on doing this. I want this breakup to be the real deal because it will be painful for both of us if we make some vague plan to continue our relationship after I return next spring.

The main idea is this: I need space. I need to be on my own. I need to go on a few dates. But someday, in the future, I think this relationship could potentially exist again. I can't plan on it, though, and neither can my (ex) boyfriend (for the record, he would like to stay together). Any sort of planning will just cause stress and potential disappointment, I think.

Is this possible? I feel like I'm trying to have my cake and eat it, too. I feel selfish. But maybe I should just tell myself that it's over for good (as hard as that is) and if we eventually get back together, it will be a nice surprise. How can I approach this, both in my mind and when talking to the (ex) boyfriend?

I will understand if I get some not-so-nice responses. I just can't quite figure out how to approach this.

Email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (17 answers total)

Maybe I should just tell myself that it's over for good (as hard as that is) and if we eventually get back together, it will be a nice surprise.

You sound like you've got it all figured out well, at least in your head. Good luck to you- even though it's your choice and even if he agrees it's for the best, it's going to hurt. But that's OK! Life will improve.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:45 PM on November 4, 2010

I think you have to realize that if you decide to break up, you both have to go forward with no expectation of ever seeing each other again, let alone dating. You want to be free and single and discover who you are as a person. I get that, in fact it's right where I am right now after a breakup of a long relationship.

Don't you want your ex to experience the same discoveries? I wouldn't even mention the possibility of getting back together. It's too much extra to worry about during a period of emotional upheaval.

Just go your own way, and let him do the same. If you're meant to be, something will happen to bring you back together. More likely, the longing and love that you feel will fade until you can't imagine going back.
posted by yellowbinder at 5:46 PM on November 4, 2010 [2 favorites]

I need to go on a few dates. But someday, in the future, I think this relationship could potentially exist again. . . . Is this possible? I feel like I'm trying to have my cake and eat it, too. I feel selfish.

You already know the right thing to do, for him and for you.
posted by Marty Marx at 5:49 PM on November 4, 2010

I suspect that once you get out there and live life on your own, even if you can't imagine it now, you will one day look back on this relationship fondly-yet-relieved that you left it in the past.
posted by jbenben at 6:02 PM on November 4, 2010 [2 favorites]

Actually you answered all your questions and concerns yourself.

Cut the last two sentences in this question, print it out in letter form, read it to yourself a few times - you'll be good to go.
posted by RajahKing at 6:07 PM on November 4, 2010

maybe I should just tell myself that it's over for good (as hard as that is) and if we eventually get back together, it will be a nice surprise.

This is completely the correct thing to tell yourself and to tell him.

Also, I really recommend that you guys sever all contact for a while. The last thing he needs is to hear how your new life is going. I don't mean this as a judgment of your decision, but simply that it may be healthier for both of you in terms of moving on and being your own people to not try to be friends for a long while.
posted by joan_holloway at 6:12 PM on November 4, 2010

Is this possible? I feel like I'm trying to have my cake and eat it, too.

That's exactly what you are trying to do. And that's exactly what will elude you, no matter how hard you try. Your emotional needs can totally help you perceive that state. Real life does not exist that way.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:18 PM on November 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

You have to cut the cord and not ever hint at hope. If you say that you might get back together and it will be a nice surprise, he will likely hear what he wants to hear and will be waiting with baited breath for your return home. You already know that that is incredibly unfair.

When you close a door, close it completely. When you open a door, open it enthusiastically. It's a courtesy that we extend to our exes, our future partners and ourselves.

If the subject of getting back together comes up, the truth is that if you ever meet again, you will be two entirely different people starting entirely from square one. There's no way to know if those two future selves will be matches or even friends, but you can say that when you hear of him, you will hope to hear that he has pursued his best ambitions and wish for his happiness.

And don't suffer a second of dating some future man who mistreats you and makes excuses. That ends poorly. You might want to read up on anti Pick Up Artist tactics (http://feministpitbull.wordpress.com/2007/07/11/collapsing-anchors-and-getting-free-of-unwanted-attachment-attraction-or-emotion-of-any-type/)
posted by Skwirl at 7:01 PM on November 4, 2010 [2 favorites]

The way you feel - the "maybe one day..." - is normal. We fear change and the unknown, and it is comforting to think that. It's exceptionally unlikely, which you seem to understand. It's still okay to think it though, it's just not okay to say it to him or make plans based on it.

If you do happen to end up with him One Day In The Future, it should be without obligation or strings, and with maturity and the lessons of experience. Let it go, and let later take care of later.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:48 PM on November 4, 2010

I want to bring in a bit of a different perspective. AskMe skews toward encouraging breakups, and this isn't a super-clear DTMFA issue. It really jumps out at me that you said twice in your post how much you love him. Being ambivalent about a relationship and wanting a break with an option to reunite does not make you a bad or selfish person, especially given your special snowflake circumstances of being with him since you were so young. It would be surprising if you didn't feel a need for independent growth.

First, as far as approaching this in your mind: think about how you would feel if you knew, for sure, that the two of you would never get back together in the future, or if he immediately found someone else after your breakup. He may not wait for you. You stand to risk losing a relationship you've had for more than a third of your life. It may be a lot more painful than you think it's going to be. On the other hand, it might be more of a relief than you expect. You have to decide whether you have given this enough thought. You sound like you're still ambivalent, and maybe thinking the grass is greener.

I think you should be completely honest with your ex about your ambivalence toward your future together and that part of you hopes to reunite but that you aren't sure at this point. It sounds like you don't want to tell him you're ambivalent because you're afraid you'd hurt him more by stringing him along with false hope. But waiting or not waiting for you should be his decision. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like you pity him and don't really respect his ability to decide on his own. You don't want to tell him all your feelings in order to protect him. That's how children are dealt with, not 28-year-old men. And I say this as someone who blindsided a loved one with a breakup for the very same reason. I wouldn't handle it that way again and would not want someone to handle me that way either.

While your need for independence is your issue, and definitely a good-enough reason on its own for a breakup if you choose, your ex's financial issues are his problem. You haven't mentioned whether you've talked to him about these issues and given him the opportunity to try to fix them. Would it change anything if he stepped up to the plate more?

To me, your post sounds like you may be trying to convince yourself the breakup is the right thing, but it sounds like you're not sure. It really sounds like you're still in a relationship with him to some extent and still consider him your boyfriend. How would it be to frame it as a break while you're out of the country (and see some guys casually while you're there), and then when you get back you'll talk openly and honestly with each other and take it from there? You can extend the break, make it permanent, or reunite. You really have no way of knowing how you're going to feel in six months. Your ex is free to agree to these terms or to say sayonara.

If this option feels wrong in your gut, like it would get in the way of the personal growth you need to experience to move forward in life, then it's a sign that you really do need to break up, not just take a break. I think you need to figure out which one it is and be quite sure of it before you decide.
posted by xenophile at 9:41 PM on November 4, 2010 [3 favorites]

I've sort of been in your shoes - dated someone for several years since I was 17, had only been with him romantically and didn't know who I was as an individual anymore, for various reasons I broke it off with him and moved to another country for a while where I started rediscovering myself. I've also dated someone who I loved very much, but there were certain aspects to his personality that I felt were dealbreakers in a long-term partner, and on that basis I ended it, after long hard deliberation on the subject.

Breakups aren't easy. Particularly hard to make the call when it's mostly good except for a few little nagging issues. Not like he's a bad person. But you know what? You had been with him for a long time and never felt he was the right person to marry. That wasn't going to change anytime soon, and so it had to end. Of course he wants to stay with you, but if you really care about growing as individuals, you should do your best to minimize contact for a long time and let him find his own life. If you don't, he's going to hold onto the idea that you two are just going through a phase, and he will think he just has to convince you he's changed. And when it's been a pattern in his life for so long, I'd have my doubts. Don't get his hopes up. To do otherwise is selfish, though it might not be apparent until things have gone too far and he's "jukebox in the rain" desperate.

Being single for the first time in ages, ah that's an experience... going through dating in a non-highschool scene. Well, dating's something you have to go through at least a couple of times in order to learn - you get a taste for what you do or don't like in a potential romantic interest, you learn to deal with disappointment and expectations in new relationships, and you change a bit with every person you meet and grow attached to. In the meantime, you have a lot of alone-time on your hands, so getting comfortable with being alone is a bit challenging. A lot of my friends go through some depressed timed with the "woe is me, i'm never going to find anyone ever again!" but remember, if you make yourself open and put yourself out there, eventually you will come across someone. You've had a relationship before, you will again. Good luck.
posted by lizbunny at 9:56 PM on November 4, 2010

I sort-of did this 10 years ago. I had been with my GF since I was 18, and I was 23 at the time. I decided we needed to "break up" -- sort of. I moved across the country with the intention of dating other women, but we were still in touch (I saw her every few months). What ended up happening is that because I still saw her as a part of my life, I never really gave dating other people a chance. After 2 years, I asked her to move out and be with me again, but thats because I never let go in the first place. Worse, I didn't do what I set out to do (get more experience so I could know if she was the one, like you describe). We eventually got married... and this year we got divorced. Now I'm actually dating for the first time since 18 (only now it's been 14+ years)...

So basically, the only time I was _really_ able to do this was when things were really over. This may not be the case for you, but it's my experience with this. When that relationship was still a possibility, I didn't give other ones a chance, and the separation/dating wasn't "real". Only now when things are truly over have I been able to do it.
posted by wildcrdj at 12:59 AM on November 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

The part of your post that most stands out to me: Even after such a long relationship, I was not ready to live together or get married.

People can get together young and have a long, happy relationship despite not having a "wild oats" period or the experience of living independently. People can overcome differences or imbalances in careers and ambition. People can find ways to modify their behavior so that they don't compound each other's stress.

What people can't do is force themselves to feel that certain thing that makes you want to wake up every single morning of your life to that other person beside you. After 8.5 years, you don't feel that, which is probably the single most important data point for deciding how to proceed.
posted by taz at 2:20 AM on November 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

But maybe I should just tell myself that it's over for good (as hard as that is) and if we eventually get back together, it will be a nice surprise.

Yea, you answered your own question here really. You don't want to hang the carrot on a string in front of your boyfriend, it will only hurt him more in the long run regardless of whether you end up together again or not.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:14 AM on November 5, 2010

I'm confused -- have you actually broken up with him yet? You say he still wants to be together and call him your "(ex) boyfriend."

I ask because I think this is a decision you need to just make, and then sit with it for a while.

After 8 years, I can see you talking to him about maybe wanting to breakup, and getting his input, and him trying to talk you out of it, and you not being sure, and the two of you still talking all the time on the phone or however because you're in a new place and lonely, etc.

Breaking up is one of the few decisions that are best made unilaterally. His opinion on whether you should break up, or whether you'll get back together in the future, is likely going to skew your decision-making ability.

I would like to grow up a little bit without becoming dependent on someone else and without being so influenced by someone else.

I don't think it's always necessary, but in this case I think you should cut all contact with him for a while -- 3 months?

Meanwhile, if you date other people, there's no need to feel selfish because you have these other feelings going on. You are working being fully available, and part of that work involves dating other people. Going on one or two dates with someone is in no way a promise of future commitment. It's not a promise of anything. All you are promising by going to dinner with someone is that you like them enough to spend dinnertime with them. Similarly, it's not your date's business that you just ended such a long-term relationship. Once things become more serious with a guy, you can mention that, and then he can go in with his eyes open.
posted by thebazilist at 12:45 PM on November 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

You say you really want to experience the world away from this relationship. I don't think that's possible if you're holding on to the idea that you will get back together someday. Wildcrdj brings up a good point that you can't really give yourself to anyone else while your holding on to the memory of your ex. So let him go and focus on your new life. Go on some dates and see who's out there. And just enjoy being single and not having to explain yourself to anyone. It sounds like you'll want to keep in touch, which is fine, but I'd suggest having at least a few months of no contact to help you both move on. And if you do end up getting back together in the future, you'll know it's not because you're dependent, inexperienced or otherwise confused. And who knows... maybe you'll find something better out there, and later realize this was the best thing you could have done for yourself.
posted by smokingmonkey at 7:06 PM on November 5, 2010

First, sorry you're going through this, it can't be easy. I felt some of what you are feeling after the demise of a 3-year relationship. I would say there were three stages:

Stage 1: I told myself we might get back together "in the future" and started the breakup process
Stage 2: I accepted that we were not going to get back together and mourned the relationship
Stage 3: I moved on

I needed to tell myself that we might get back together someday in order to start building a life that was about me and not us. I had a friend reconcile with her ex who basically told me the idea of "if it's meant to happen, it'll happen" worked for her, and cliche as it is, that's what got me through this time.

I will say my ex made it clear to me during this period that he did not see us getting back together during the future. This was necessary for me to heal; I think if we had maintained a lot of contact and both treated it as "maybe in the future..." that would have been problematic. So I think your outside face, to him and the world, needs to be that this is a real breakup, as you stated.

But if you need to tell yourself that you may get back together in the future as a comfort during what is undoubtedly an emotionally difficult phase, do so. At some point, you won't need to tell yourself this any more (even though it may be true).
posted by theflash at 7:21 PM on November 6, 2010