How should I tell my 6 year old that my boyfriend and I are engaged?
April 14, 2015 7:59 PM Subscribe
I asked the love of my life to marry me this weekend, and he said yes! But what's the best way to tell the other love of my life, my 6 year old son?
My son is a happy, well-adjusted kid, and his father is very much in his life, so it's not a question of some kind of replacement. My son and my fiance are very fond of each other. It's going to be a long engagement, so nothing's going to change for quite a while. I'm just wondering if there are things I should avoid or best practices I should put in place in telling my son about what's happening in our lives.
My son is a happy, well-adjusted kid, and his father is very much in his life, so it's not a question of some kind of replacement. My son and my fiance are very fond of each other. It's going to be a long engagement, so nothing's going to change for quite a while. I'm just wondering if there are things I should avoid or best practices I should put in place in telling my son about what's happening in our lives.
If it's going to be a long engagement, I'm not sure you need to tell him anything. What is it really going to mean, from a six-year-old's POV?
I think I would just opt to tell him what's happening when you start to actively plan the wedding.
posted by Salamander at 8:11 PM on April 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think I would just opt to tell him what's happening when you start to actively plan the wedding.
posted by Salamander at 8:11 PM on April 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you and boyfriend are pretty serious I doubt it we change much. Do you already live together? My 6 year old would be whatever about it I suspect.
I'd tell his dad though.
posted by k8t at 8:21 PM on April 14, 2015
I'd tell his dad though.
posted by k8t at 8:21 PM on April 14, 2015
Okay, I see from your previous posts that you and son's dad have only been apart for one year or so. In that case, maybe this is a bigger deal to little guy.
posted by k8t at 8:23 PM on April 14, 2015
posted by k8t at 8:23 PM on April 14, 2015
What is it really going to mean, from a six-year-old's POV?
I don't know, I think hearing something like, "Rick loves both of us so much he wants to be part of our family," could mean a lot. Children want to know that they're loved. Knowing that there's another person in the world who loves him can't possibly hurt. Knowing that he'll be around more often to [play child's favorite game] will be fun news, too.
posted by phunniemee at 8:24 PM on April 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
I don't know, I think hearing something like, "Rick loves both of us so much he wants to be part of our family," could mean a lot. Children want to know that they're loved. Knowing that there's another person in the world who loves him can't possibly hurt. Knowing that he'll be around more often to [play child's favorite game] will be fun news, too.
posted by phunniemee at 8:24 PM on April 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: What I wanted to know when my parents got remarried after a divorce was that their new spouses loved them and me, and that I would still have a father/mother who loved me too even if they got remarried to someone else.
At 6, I would have a basic conversation with him explaining that engaged means planning on getting married and that the actual wedding is for later in the future. I would also have a special dinner with you, your fiance and son and "celebrate" the intention to make this little unit a more permanent family. Finally, I would sit with him and your ex and tell him that you both love him and that while you are not married anymore, that you are both committed to being the best parents you can be.
posted by AugustWest at 8:44 PM on April 14, 2015 [14 favorites]
At 6, I would have a basic conversation with him explaining that engaged means planning on getting married and that the actual wedding is for later in the future. I would also have a special dinner with you, your fiance and son and "celebrate" the intention to make this little unit a more permanent family. Finally, I would sit with him and your ex and tell him that you both love him and that while you are not married anymore, that you are both committed to being the best parents you can be.
posted by AugustWest at 8:44 PM on April 14, 2015 [14 favorites]
If he understands what the divorce means/meant, he should be ok to understand a remarriage - I think it's important to tell him that his relationship with both his dad and your boyfriend don't change at all because of the new marriage (but I'm assuming you already live together - do you?). You should also consider his comfort level when it comes to talking about the timing of the marriage - we told my son one year "we're thinking we might get married next June" and he said "I don't know if I'm ready for that". We waited a year and asked him again, and he felt ready, so we made plans.
Don't assume that all the ins and outs of your remarriage will be a natural thing for him to understand. My son was older than yours, and he thought he would have to change HIS last name when I remarried!
posted by ersatzkat at 8:24 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't assume that all the ins and outs of your remarriage will be a natural thing for him to understand. My son was older than yours, and he thought he would have to change HIS last name when I remarried!
posted by ersatzkat at 8:24 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
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At the end of the day, be honest and treat him how you would want to be treated. He's 6, but he's still a person. Do not insult his intelligence by playing games.
Just tell him and let him be excited with you, if he's got concerns then address them. But, he might be A-ok with it.
Best to let his dad know too, so that the responsibility of telling him doesn't fall to your son.
posted by Youremyworld at 8:11 PM on April 14, 2015 [14 favorites]