Things are bad.
August 13, 2012 11:21 AM Subscribe
Our marriage is crumbling, and it's taking me with it.
posted by anonymous to human relations (29 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I have an ill partner who's not terminal but not going to improve. Caring for my partner involves working a lot for health insurance and taking care of many, many things around the house. It's very tough for me to take care of my partner, take care of the house, and work enough to have enough money to keep the house and the healthcare. It's tough for my partner to do any housework whatsoever. Our home has become a shameful hovel.
Sex is nearly non-existent and almost always on my partner's terms. We have both changed physically over the years, and the thought of our bodies together making love makes me nauseous sometimes. My partner does not see it that way, but illness and medication often collaborate to deny my partner the physical pleasure of lovemaking. We're talking neurological damage, painkillers, benzos, maryjane and good ol' SSRIs (I'm on a low dose of SSRIs and have little-to-no side effects).
Things have changed recently—suddenly I'm very aware that I want children badly, and with few exceptions over our eight years together my partner is anti-baby. My partner's illness now precludes children. It hasn't precluded a number of pets, though. Too many for my liking with everything else I have to do.
My partner's career is on hold... no, it's scattered to the winds thanks to the illness. My partner spends most of the day in bed watching television, socializing on various sites, and coming up with new projects which invariably go nowhere. I spend my days working, commuting, and working again when I get home with cleaning, cooking and DIY. I have little time for recreation or rest. Recently I've been trying to reconnect with old and new friends, with positive responses. My partner has responded with jealousy and insecurity.
It's really bad for both of us. I feel like my life goals aren't just on hold but aren't being respected at all. My partner indicates the same. When we talk, it often ends up in bickering or bitter silence. My partner accuses me of mocking, which is not the case. I accuse my partner of piling things on me all the time, which may not be the case (I'm perhaps not looking at things as rationally as I should, it's tough to tell).
It's so, so difficult to live with this little happiness. My eye has started wandering, and I'm attaching to inappropriate potential partners who symbolize things my partner is not. I can feel myself checking out of our life together and focusing on my life apart. I want to leave and at least try to accomplish my life goals. My superego says "No, leaving partners in the lurch is not what Good Peopletm do." My close friends urge me to keep fighting the Good Fighttm. My partner will rapidly go downhill with the loss of my medical insurance (we're in California, and it's an expensive illness). My partner is very attached to our pets and would feel real harm being separated from them. In the future, who will want to build a life with someone who abandoned an ill spouse?
I'm kind of at my wit's end. There are no MFers to be dumped already, just some good people who may have made some mistakes and are going to have hell to pay. Please, please help us.