Telling Parents About Depression
April 5, 2015 7:27 PM Subscribe
I was interviewed for a national podcast and spoke frankly about my depression and my occasional suicidal thoughts. It airs in six weeks. I've not told my family about my depression. I want to tell them before the podcast airs. How do I do that?
I've not told my parents because I know my father is a firm believer that having any sort of mental health issue out in public is a career killer (he was air force and an airline pilot during a time when it was exactly that). I also don't want them to worry about me - they have enough to worry about.
I'm not bothered that the larger world will know about this and the focus of the talk was more on how I've (so far) successfully managed my specific depression through continued therapy - indeed, the overall focus of the interview was about my career, not my depression or therapy. That's maybe 30 seconds of a 45 minute talk.
Anyhow, I know my mother especially is keenly interested in listening to this podcast (because she's keenly interested in everything I do and she knows I was interviewed.
How do I tell my parents about this without freaking them out? I live an ocean and a continent away from them so phone is the only voice to voice way to discuss this.
I've not told my parents because I know my father is a firm believer that having any sort of mental health issue out in public is a career killer (he was air force and an airline pilot during a time when it was exactly that). I also don't want them to worry about me - they have enough to worry about.
I'm not bothered that the larger world will know about this and the focus of the talk was more on how I've (so far) successfully managed my specific depression through continued therapy - indeed, the overall focus of the interview was about my career, not my depression or therapy. That's maybe 30 seconds of a 45 minute talk.
Anyhow, I know my mother especially is keenly interested in listening to this podcast (because she's keenly interested in everything I do and she knows I was interviewed.
How do I tell my parents about this without freaking them out? I live an ocean and a continent away from them so phone is the only voice to voice way to discuss this.
How do I tell my parents about this without freaking them out?
Well, you don't. It's a parent's job to worry about their kid. All you can do it minimize the worry as much as you can by being open.
"Mom, Dad, I did an interview with a podcast that will be coming out soon and I wanted to let you know that I spoke frankly about some mental health issues I've gone through. I'm doing well now, I want you to know that, but I also wanted to let other people out there that they can be okay, too. I felt that it was important to talk about it . I love you guys. Do you guys have any questions?"
posted by inturnaround at 8:01 PM on April 5, 2015 [16 favorites]
Well, you don't. It's a parent's job to worry about their kid. All you can do it minimize the worry as much as you can by being open.
"Mom, Dad, I did an interview with a podcast that will be coming out soon and I wanted to let you know that I spoke frankly about some mental health issues I've gone through. I'm doing well now, I want you to know that, but I also wanted to let other people out there that they can be okay, too. I felt that it was important to talk about it . I love you guys. Do you guys have any questions?"
posted by inturnaround at 8:01 PM on April 5, 2015 [16 favorites]
My parents have always known about my depression but a big thing that helps them when I'm having a particularly bad time of it is reassuring them that their parenting was good in concrete ways. So sometimes a thing I'll do is bracket depression news with anecdotes about stuff they instilled in me or something we did growing up caused me to make good choices in my current life, especially things that strengthen my relationships with other people as that's always been troubling to my parents. I'm pretty sure they know I'm doing it, but I'm not sure it matters. They're human too and have put so much time and energy into me - it's important to know that my hardships are not their fault. (Or if some of them are, they're unrelated to the mental health issues and not worth picking at decades later.)
I think also that, depending on your relationship with them, they might know that you have a harder time with some things than you let on. They probably haven't labeled it as you do, but I wouldn't be surprised if they consider you extra-sensitive or melancholy or sometimes low-energy or whatever other euphemism they're comfortable with. So you might open it up with "you know how sometimes I have trouble with normal stuff like getting out of bed?" and then you can frame it clearly. It's part of your life, and you haven't changed as their kid all of a sudden. Putting it into a context, and not making it a horrible reveal, is helpful in grounding the discussion and limiting freakouts.
With your dad and his career concerns, reiterate to him that now a person can have these problems and still talk for 45 minutes about their career. You might talk to him about how normalized therapy is these days - that it's often part of many company health insurance plans, that it's lost a huge amount of its taboo. He won't get it right away but he'll probably come around, especially if you emphasize that it was you taking responsibility for your own life (and his example of this responsibility) that got you to therapy in the first place.
They'll worry about you no matter what, and they won't get it right away, and you'll probably have a few excruciating phonecalls for a while. But just make sure they know they can ask you questions, and that you're doing okay, and have things to look forward to in your life.
posted by Mizu at 8:05 PM on April 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think also that, depending on your relationship with them, they might know that you have a harder time with some things than you let on. They probably haven't labeled it as you do, but I wouldn't be surprised if they consider you extra-sensitive or melancholy or sometimes low-energy or whatever other euphemism they're comfortable with. So you might open it up with "you know how sometimes I have trouble with normal stuff like getting out of bed?" and then you can frame it clearly. It's part of your life, and you haven't changed as their kid all of a sudden. Putting it into a context, and not making it a horrible reveal, is helpful in grounding the discussion and limiting freakouts.
With your dad and his career concerns, reiterate to him that now a person can have these problems and still talk for 45 minutes about their career. You might talk to him about how normalized therapy is these days - that it's often part of many company health insurance plans, that it's lost a huge amount of its taboo. He won't get it right away but he'll probably come around, especially if you emphasize that it was you taking responsibility for your own life (and his example of this responsibility) that got you to therapy in the first place.
They'll worry about you no matter what, and they won't get it right away, and you'll probably have a few excruciating phonecalls for a while. But just make sure they know they can ask you questions, and that you're doing okay, and have things to look forward to in your life.
posted by Mizu at 8:05 PM on April 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
Without knowing your parents or your relationship to your parents, I'll hazard a guess that they might feel fear (discovering your kid was suicidally depressed and you didn't know is discovering they had a life-threatening disease that you didn't know about) and possibly rejection ("why didn't he tell us previously? why only now when he's about to tell the world?") in addition to the career concerns you expect from your dad.
Every family is different but I would probably write a letter. The letter would say something like
"Dear Mom and Dad, There's something I've been wanting for a long time to talk with you about. It has been hard for me to express it because it is painful and I thought you could possibly disapprove. For the last several years I have been coping with clinical depression. I've been able to manage it with therapy and exercise/pills/whatever, and have a quite full life, but it has been at times a very severe problem for me. I didn't want to tell you in part because I thought Dad would worry about my career, but I assure you that my career is safe. Anyway, I thought I'd tell you in a letter so you had a little time to process it, and then when you're ready I'd love to talk to you on the phone and discuss this a little further. I am telling you because I love you and I want you both to know this thing which has been important in my life. [A la Mizu] I believe your good parenting and the love you have always shown me is one of the reasons I have been able to cope with this problem as well as I have. Your kid, Joey Michaels"
posted by feets at 4:47 AM on April 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Every family is different but I would probably write a letter. The letter would say something like
"Dear Mom and Dad, There's something I've been wanting for a long time to talk with you about. It has been hard for me to express it because it is painful and I thought you could possibly disapprove. For the last several years I have been coping with clinical depression. I've been able to manage it with therapy and exercise/pills/whatever, and have a quite full life, but it has been at times a very severe problem for me. I didn't want to tell you in part because I thought Dad would worry about my career, but I assure you that my career is safe. Anyway, I thought I'd tell you in a letter so you had a little time to process it, and then when you're ready I'd love to talk to you on the phone and discuss this a little further. I am telling you because I love you and I want you both to know this thing which has been important in my life. [A la Mizu] I believe your good parenting and the love you have always shown me is one of the reasons I have been able to cope with this problem as well as I have. Your kid, Joey Michaels"
posted by feets at 4:47 AM on April 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
It seems like your goal is to minimize the drama and panic this podcast might create (and that your parents will already have because duh, they're your parents and they love you). One of the biggest problems with depression is that so many people view it as this huge great unspeakable secret. But you're already trying to flip that script by talking about it openly and without dramatization. That said, I feel like the above suggestion OVERLY dramatizes your situation.
You know how when someone texts you "We need to talk" and then your hackles get up and you silently freak out about whatever the conversation might be about? Don't do that to your parents.
If this were me, I'd just share a link to the podcast as soon as you can, with a line something like, "Here's my interview with PODCAST where I talk about my work, my struggles with depression and the tools I've learned to manage it."
The end.
posted by Brittanie at 3:05 PM on April 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
You know how when someone texts you "We need to talk" and then your hackles get up and you silently freak out about whatever the conversation might be about? Don't do that to your parents.
If this were me, I'd just share a link to the podcast as soon as you can, with a line something like, "Here's my interview with PODCAST where I talk about my work, my struggles with depression and the tools I've learned to manage it."
The end.
posted by Brittanie at 3:05 PM on April 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
« Older Let's play "Identify the Mystery Object!" | Does Columbus Fire Department train their own... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by taff at 7:42 PM on April 5, 2015 [2 favorites]