What's this "fling" thing all about?
January 5, 2015 1:12 PM Subscribe
What happens now?
Hello Mefi,
Last week, I tagged along on an impulsive New Years getaway, to a house full of partying people in the middle of nowhere. I didn't know anyone except the friend who brought me, but it was super fun and I really hit it off with the new people. Especially one person in particular, with whom I ended up making out on New Years Eve. So fun! Go me! I had a sexy New Years!
And then it surprised me when we hooked up again the following night. And that we really have a lot in common and can talk for hours along with the chemistry part.
Then he asked me to meet up with him in his city after the party was over (where I was headed anyway for a visit with friends). So I did and we went out on a proper date. And it was super nice. And then at the end he regretfully said that he liked me and would see me more if we lived in the same place, but that he knew himself and could not commit to an LDR. This makes perfect sense - I certainly didn't expect to come out of this experience in an LDR! With a guy I've only known for like five days! That would be kinda crazy. But I surprised myself by feeling super bummed about this when he said it. He has been super clear and straightforward, along with being basically very kind, so I have no complaints about his behavior, nor to suspect he means anything other than what he said.
We agreed we wanted to perhaps see each other when we could in kind of a non-serious way, but with no promises or commitments. He seemed genuinely bummed as well and said he wanted to stay in touch, but couldn't commit to more than that. That seems pretty reasonable to me, it really does.
But now I'm back home in my own city, feeling like I've been dumped even though I haven't. It was so exciting to have this connection with potential - with someone who openly admits he'd keep seeing me if it were logistically possible. These kind of things don't happen to me very much. Now it feels like a giant letdown, and the depression I am prone to is creeping in.
MeFites, my question is twofold:
1) For myself - how do I get through this down period? How can I reconnect with the "I can have awesome experiences with awesome people! I am hot!" feeling I had in the beginning instead of this sad, lonely feeling I have now? There has been a lot of time in PJs today and a lot of listening to Taylor Swift. (Note that I'm on winter break, so not skipping work or anything!) My brain is aware that nothing has changed, but my heart is feeling kind of grumpy.
2) Logistically - how do we "stay in touch" now? He will be in my city in a few weeks on a long-planned trip and we talked tentatively about getting together then. Should I wait and let him contact me about that when that time gets closer? Would it seem clingy to send an occasional text or email to say hey? I am often wary of coming across as too needy, which I've done before in previous situations (which, yes, may mean casual hookups are not for me).
As you can see, flings are not my strong suit, so insights are appreciated. Thanks, as always.
Hello Mefi,
Last week, I tagged along on an impulsive New Years getaway, to a house full of partying people in the middle of nowhere. I didn't know anyone except the friend who brought me, but it was super fun and I really hit it off with the new people. Especially one person in particular, with whom I ended up making out on New Years Eve. So fun! Go me! I had a sexy New Years!
And then it surprised me when we hooked up again the following night. And that we really have a lot in common and can talk for hours along with the chemistry part.
Then he asked me to meet up with him in his city after the party was over (where I was headed anyway for a visit with friends). So I did and we went out on a proper date. And it was super nice. And then at the end he regretfully said that he liked me and would see me more if we lived in the same place, but that he knew himself and could not commit to an LDR. This makes perfect sense - I certainly didn't expect to come out of this experience in an LDR! With a guy I've only known for like five days! That would be kinda crazy. But I surprised myself by feeling super bummed about this when he said it. He has been super clear and straightforward, along with being basically very kind, so I have no complaints about his behavior, nor to suspect he means anything other than what he said.
We agreed we wanted to perhaps see each other when we could in kind of a non-serious way, but with no promises or commitments. He seemed genuinely bummed as well and said he wanted to stay in touch, but couldn't commit to more than that. That seems pretty reasonable to me, it really does.
But now I'm back home in my own city, feeling like I've been dumped even though I haven't. It was so exciting to have this connection with potential - with someone who openly admits he'd keep seeing me if it were logistically possible. These kind of things don't happen to me very much. Now it feels like a giant letdown, and the depression I am prone to is creeping in.
MeFites, my question is twofold:
1) For myself - how do I get through this down period? How can I reconnect with the "I can have awesome experiences with awesome people! I am hot!" feeling I had in the beginning instead of this sad, lonely feeling I have now? There has been a lot of time in PJs today and a lot of listening to Taylor Swift. (Note that I'm on winter break, so not skipping work or anything!) My brain is aware that nothing has changed, but my heart is feeling kind of grumpy.
2) Logistically - how do we "stay in touch" now? He will be in my city in a few weeks on a long-planned trip and we talked tentatively about getting together then. Should I wait and let him contact me about that when that time gets closer? Would it seem clingy to send an occasional text or email to say hey? I am often wary of coming across as too needy, which I've done before in previous situations (which, yes, may mean casual hookups are not for me).
As you can see, flings are not my strong suit, so insights are appreciated. Thanks, as always.
I think you should not see him on his trip. Leave it a fun memory.
posted by jbenben at 1:27 PM on January 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 1:27 PM on January 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
You might want to consider that the reason this fling happened at all is that both of you knew it couldn't realistically be a long term thing. "Don't make it weird" is probably the answer here, which unfortunately basically means that from now on you like each other's statuses on facebook every once in a while and that's about it.
Based on how you're handling this already, I would say absolutely do not have a hook-up while he's in town, because this is a setup for another askme in a year or two about how you've wasted all of this time pining over a relationship that isn't going to work out. Just let this one fade away sooner rather than later.
The only way I could see pursuing this is if one of you moves closer to the other one for reasons entirely unrelated to your relationship or lack thereof.
posted by empath at 1:31 PM on January 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
Based on how you're handling this already, I would say absolutely do not have a hook-up while he's in town, because this is a setup for another askme in a year or two about how you've wasted all of this time pining over a relationship that isn't going to work out. Just let this one fade away sooner rather than later.
The only way I could see pursuing this is if one of you moves closer to the other one for reasons entirely unrelated to your relationship or lack thereof.
posted by empath at 1:31 PM on January 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
I'm curious about some of the logistics of your situation--how far apart are you? And if you're on winter break, that means you will be graduating at some point and free to move. IME the only way a long-distance thing could ever work is if there's an end point, a time when you plan to be living in the same place. If you're not too far apart and if it'd be feasible for you to live in the same area someday soon...I might keep in touch. Via little messages here or there, "likes" and stuff on social media, maybe an email. Nothing major, no epic phone calls.
But if there is no possibility of this being a real-world short-distance relationship (and I think you should plan this way regardless, so as to not have high expectations and be disappointed), please know that there is a lot of value in a sweet mini-relationship. 100% good times, excitement, mystique, sexiness, and minimal "work" that goes with longer relationships. Years from now you might be settled into a predictable domestic life, looking back at your youth, thinking fondly about this nice person who briefly wandered in and out of your life. There is a lot to be said for having all good memories about someone. Carry it around in your back pocket and enjoy those memories.
posted by magdalemon at 1:39 PM on January 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
But if there is no possibility of this being a real-world short-distance relationship (and I think you should plan this way regardless, so as to not have high expectations and be disappointed), please know that there is a lot of value in a sweet mini-relationship. 100% good times, excitement, mystique, sexiness, and minimal "work" that goes with longer relationships. Years from now you might be settled into a predictable domestic life, looking back at your youth, thinking fondly about this nice person who briefly wandered in and out of your life. There is a lot to be said for having all good memories about someone. Carry it around in your back pocket and enjoy those memories.
posted by magdalemon at 1:39 PM on January 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
I was in a very similar situation to you once. I met a guy in Australia, we hooked up. Talked for HOURS and connected on a whole different level. We saw each other the next day too, but then I had to fly back to England and I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. But, we exchanged email addresses and I didn’t know if I should email him. Would I come across as clingy? Desperate? Would it be weird considering we only knew each other for 48 hours? What are these intense feelings I’m having for him? Where are these coming from? I DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM for goodness sake! We live in Different Countries!
Well – I emailed him. We stayed in touch. He visited me in England a few times and I visited him in Canada. We didn’t do the Long Distance Thing. When we were together, we were together and when we were apart – well, we stayed in touch but had a “Don’t ask; don’t tell” policy.
Anyway, it’s almost 10 years later and we are engaged now, living together in Canada, about to be married later this year.
All I know is, you’re not necessarily crazy for having such intense feelings for someone after a short amount of time. Maybe he feels the same, who knows? In my scenario – it was the email I sent to him that made everything possible. My honey was feeling JUST an intensely about me as I was about him, but he was unsure what to do and how to proceed. All it took was a quick email from me, telling him how much I had enjoyed meeting him and that if he was ever planning to come to England he should look me up, that sealed our fate.
I mean – look, this is a unique situation and yours could be entirely different, but personally, I don’t think you’ve got any reason NOT to send him an email!
posted by JenThePro at 2:24 PM on January 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
Well – I emailed him. We stayed in touch. He visited me in England a few times and I visited him in Canada. We didn’t do the Long Distance Thing. When we were together, we were together and when we were apart – well, we stayed in touch but had a “Don’t ask; don’t tell” policy.
Anyway, it’s almost 10 years later and we are engaged now, living together in Canada, about to be married later this year.
All I know is, you’re not necessarily crazy for having such intense feelings for someone after a short amount of time. Maybe he feels the same, who knows? In my scenario – it was the email I sent to him that made everything possible. My honey was feeling JUST an intensely about me as I was about him, but he was unsure what to do and how to proceed. All it took was a quick email from me, telling him how much I had enjoyed meeting him and that if he was ever planning to come to England he should look me up, that sealed our fate.
I mean – look, this is a unique situation and yours could be entirely different, but personally, I don’t think you’ve got any reason NOT to send him an email!
posted by JenThePro at 2:24 PM on January 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
From reading your post I get a very, very strong feeling you will have no problem whatsoever finding many interesting men in the coming years. If I knew then what I know now about these types of exciting events, they do keep coming you can be assured. Keep your chin up and know that you will have a very exciting life, proven by the fact that you already do! Don't worry, there will be others and one day you will find the one who will let you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he cannot live without you. Happens all the time :)
posted by waving at 2:31 PM on January 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by waving at 2:31 PM on January 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
I keep thinking about this--maybe it's hitting home because I had a few of these, but also it vaguely reminds me of my favorite movies. If you still want to lounge in PJs and feel the ~feelings~ for a bit, I will suggest that you watch Before Sunrise if you haven't seen it before. Two cute college kids meet for a night and it's magical, and they leave off on an interesting note. Then maybe, if you can stomach it, Before Sunset (they meet again 9 years later) and Before Midnight (9 years after that). Could be an interesting thought experiment, or just good entertainment for the time being. In any case: good luck!
posted by magdalemon at 2:34 PM on January 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by magdalemon at 2:34 PM on January 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
The only way you should see this guy again is if you are 100% honest with him about what you want. Which is you want to be in a LDR with him. So if and when he calls again (and he may not, be prepared for that,) be sure to let him know that while your fling was fun, you're not a casual person when it comes to sex. You can tell him that you found him charming and that if you were living in the same area code you'd love to date him, but given the geographical impediments, it's best not to go there.
Part of the problem is that two dates isn't a basis for a relationship, long distance or otherwise. So while you had a fabulous time, even if you were both into long distance relationships, you can't really say that this particular relationship would be possible.
Husbunny and I started out LDR, but we were engaged and living together within 8 months. There's an endpoint and a plan.
So agree with everyone else, skip his visit in a month or so, get busy dating locals.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:39 PM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Part of the problem is that two dates isn't a basis for a relationship, long distance or otherwise. So while you had a fabulous time, even if you were both into long distance relationships, you can't really say that this particular relationship would be possible.
Husbunny and I started out LDR, but we were engaged and living together within 8 months. There's an endpoint and a plan.
So agree with everyone else, skip his visit in a month or so, get busy dating locals.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:39 PM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks y'all. I think I'm feeling a general crash from all the amazingness of the holidays and vacations as I have to return to normal life - I barely know this guy and I'm not even sure I really want an LDR, because we literally just met. That's kind of nuts. I was just enjoying the feeling of possibility and potential and now I am falling hard back to my real life, which is less fun. I know this in my head - just have to feel it, I guess.
And I do love the Before trilogy. :)
posted by bookgirl18 at 3:17 PM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
And I do love the Before trilogy. :)
posted by bookgirl18 at 3:17 PM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Its just love let down. You can still see him, of course. Text him when you see something that you know he'll be interested in or when plane ticket prices go way down for your town.
Enjoy, be playful. Still date in your town as well.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:23 PM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Enjoy, be playful. Still date in your town as well.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:23 PM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I had this happen. Except a lot shorter term and I never saw him again. We did, however, exchange a few great emails.
It's still a great memory for me. I hope it is for him, too. Yeah, I kind of moped a bit about "what could've been" and all (although the two of us were in weird places in our lives, never mind being on opposite coasts).
If he's in town and it works out that you get to see him again, that's cool, but don't expect much of it. I guess, the older I get, the more I respect and enjoy one-time connections. Like, yeah, that was what we both needed right then. It didn't need to be more than that and that's cool.
It was a great ego boost for me during a really hard time. If this guy thinks you're awesome, other guys will too! You'll find those guys where you are. They aren't all long distance.
(I've known other people who've had such flings and have flown out and it hasn't necessarily gone well. Others, it's gone great. Just know this event was fun for you, even if it's not what you're looking for. You seem smart and grounded and aware of your feelings. Don't be scared. Just enjoy where these things take you.)
posted by darksong at 6:36 PM on January 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's still a great memory for me. I hope it is for him, too. Yeah, I kind of moped a bit about "what could've been" and all (although the two of us were in weird places in our lives, never mind being on opposite coasts).
If he's in town and it works out that you get to see him again, that's cool, but don't expect much of it. I guess, the older I get, the more I respect and enjoy one-time connections. Like, yeah, that was what we both needed right then. It didn't need to be more than that and that's cool.
It was a great ego boost for me during a really hard time. If this guy thinks you're awesome, other guys will too! You'll find those guys where you are. They aren't all long distance.
(I've known other people who've had such flings and have flown out and it hasn't necessarily gone well. Others, it's gone great. Just know this event was fun for you, even if it's not what you're looking for. You seem smart and grounded and aware of your feelings. Don't be scared. Just enjoy where these things take you.)
posted by darksong at 6:36 PM on January 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
You know, in the same way a lot of pop culture/mass media tells men to measure their worth by whether women want to have sex with them, it tells women to measure their worth by whether men want to have relationships with them -- regardless of whether it's practical or desired by either party.
posted by pocketfullofrye at 7:50 PM on January 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by pocketfullofrye at 7:50 PM on January 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Then he asked me to meet up with him in his city after the party was over (where I was headed anyway for a visit with friends). So I did and we went out on a proper date. And it was super nice. And then at the end he regretfully said that he liked me and would see me more if we lived in the same place, but that he knew himself and could not commit to an LDR. This makes perfect sense - I certainly didn't expect to come out of this experience in an LDR!
This is kind of jerkish behavior in my book. How presumptuous of him, to basically turn you down for an LDR you didn't ask for. Maybe this isn't the most charitable reading of his spiel, but I'd find this off putting.
1. Remind yourself that your feelings will pass. Your emotions are normal and transient.
2. Let him reach out to you, unless you feel absolutely compelled to do so. The one thing that would personally prevent me from texting or calling him would be the whole pre-emotive letdown on his part. Respect his wishes, let him be.
You had a nice time. You are lovely and everything will be fine.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:17 PM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is kind of jerkish behavior in my book. How presumptuous of him, to basically turn you down for an LDR you didn't ask for. Maybe this isn't the most charitable reading of his spiel, but I'd find this off putting.
1. Remind yourself that your feelings will pass. Your emotions are normal and transient.
2. Let him reach out to you, unless you feel absolutely compelled to do so. The one thing that would personally prevent me from texting or calling him would be the whole pre-emotive letdown on his part. Respect his wishes, let him be.
You had a nice time. You are lovely and everything will be fine.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:17 PM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I met a guy once. We then bumped into each other again almost a year later where he asked me out on a date. Went out a few more times over a month before I told him I was moving across the country in a week (which I did) and he told me he only wanted something casual. That's guy's my husband now. Nine years. Two kids. So yeah, it can actually happen. Just something to consider.
posted by Jubey at 8:06 AM on January 6, 2015
posted by Jubey at 8:06 AM on January 6, 2015
UGH this happened to me in a way. It hurt. Probably more because we didn't have a mature conversation about it. I'm not exactly wired for flings if I actually Like the person, and unless I Like them I don't want a fling. I have two speeds to romantic feelings for people: Yes and No. So I have a hard time with it. I think MOST people would feel bummed, so don't be too hard on yourself. You're not a robot.
You got a soft rejection. That always hurts!!!!
The best thing you can do to get over the hump is to get out and do stuff. Go out with friends as much as possible. Go to the movies. Go work out (the endorphines are a natural antidepressant). Time will make the emotions fade. Don't do what I did and pine away for 2 months.
I don't quite agree with Gray Skies that he was being a jerk. He probably saved her a lot of time in getting over him!
posted by christiehawk at 11:00 AM on January 6, 2015
You got a soft rejection. That always hurts!!!!
The best thing you can do to get over the hump is to get out and do stuff. Go out with friends as much as possible. Go to the movies. Go work out (the endorphines are a natural antidepressant). Time will make the emotions fade. Don't do what I did and pine away for 2 months.
I don't quite agree with Gray Skies that he was being a jerk. He probably saved her a lot of time in getting over him!
posted by christiehawk at 11:00 AM on January 6, 2015
I certainly didn't expect to come out of this experience in an LDR! With a guy I've only known for like five days! That would be kinda crazy.
Haha, you'd be surprised! Not that I constitute a representative sample, but I did actually meet my husband under similar circumstances. Backstory: two gay men, living on separate coasts, one comes to the other's city for a conference and hits a naughty after hours club one night. We meet, immediately have sex, go out for breakfast the next day and surprisingly find that we have really similar senses of humor and taste in music. Nothing else, really, just a quick bond after some very excellent sex.
Had I been in the same city as him, we would have been fuck buddies but it wouldn't have progressed beyond that--I was a mid-20s slut in the city and not at all looking for a relationship when we met. But we lived in different cities, on opposed sides of the country, and the sex and conversation we had at the very beginning was so YES that we kept in touch. Texts and emails, mostly, but the idea was to continue hooking up when our paths crossed and to guarantee that by staying in touch.
What that meant, though, was that my usual interaction with attractive dudes--skip the convo and go right to fucking, then leave before they could get clingy--couldn't happen. We got to know each other, really well. And we kept liking each other more. For six months we did this, with about five trips to each others' cities, before we had the conversation: alright, could we do this? Like, should we try dating? And we did give it a go, even though it seemed very crazy. About two months later, we were so frustrated by the distance that we started talking about whether or not we should take a chance on the relationship and try living together.
So... I packed up and moved cross country. It was an insane move to outsiders, but we both wanted to give this thing a serious go. This was in 2007/8, and flash forward to today we just bought a house together last year and are bonded more tightly than I thought was possible.
THAT SAID:
You have more immediate concerns. Like getting out of the doldrums. I know some people will advise you to leave this fling in the past, but I think that's bullshit! If you liked the guy, and you have some interest, why not just chat with him? See where it goes, right? Why extinguish interest intentionally before it's either put itself out or blossomed into something more interesting by simply being involved and interested. You can address your weird feelings by engaging them--say hi to the guy!
There are literally no rules. Worry less about what's appropriate and be yourself. It sounds like that's what ignited the spark between you two in the first place.
Text messaging is a godsend for these early days of being separated from a near-stranger by distance. You can share a lot through texts: funny things, sounds, pictures, sexy and banal and exciting and everything in between. Skype or facetime once and see what it's like. Even better, it's all more private than social media.
I hope you can enjoy the thrill of meeting an interesting, sexy, vital person, even if it turns out to be temporary. Go you!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:56 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Haha, you'd be surprised! Not that I constitute a representative sample, but I did actually meet my husband under similar circumstances. Backstory: two gay men, living on separate coasts, one comes to the other's city for a conference and hits a naughty after hours club one night. We meet, immediately have sex, go out for breakfast the next day and surprisingly find that we have really similar senses of humor and taste in music. Nothing else, really, just a quick bond after some very excellent sex.
Had I been in the same city as him, we would have been fuck buddies but it wouldn't have progressed beyond that--I was a mid-20s slut in the city and not at all looking for a relationship when we met. But we lived in different cities, on opposed sides of the country, and the sex and conversation we had at the very beginning was so YES that we kept in touch. Texts and emails, mostly, but the idea was to continue hooking up when our paths crossed and to guarantee that by staying in touch.
What that meant, though, was that my usual interaction with attractive dudes--skip the convo and go right to fucking, then leave before they could get clingy--couldn't happen. We got to know each other, really well. And we kept liking each other more. For six months we did this, with about five trips to each others' cities, before we had the conversation: alright, could we do this? Like, should we try dating? And we did give it a go, even though it seemed very crazy. About two months later, we were so frustrated by the distance that we started talking about whether or not we should take a chance on the relationship and try living together.
So... I packed up and moved cross country. It was an insane move to outsiders, but we both wanted to give this thing a serious go. This was in 2007/8, and flash forward to today we just bought a house together last year and are bonded more tightly than I thought was possible.
THAT SAID:
You have more immediate concerns. Like getting out of the doldrums. I know some people will advise you to leave this fling in the past, but I think that's bullshit! If you liked the guy, and you have some interest, why not just chat with him? See where it goes, right? Why extinguish interest intentionally before it's either put itself out or blossomed into something more interesting by simply being involved and interested. You can address your weird feelings by engaging them--say hi to the guy!
There are literally no rules. Worry less about what's appropriate and be yourself. It sounds like that's what ignited the spark between you two in the first place.
Text messaging is a godsend for these early days of being separated from a near-stranger by distance. You can share a lot through texts: funny things, sounds, pictures, sexy and banal and exciting and everything in between. Skype or facetime once and see what it's like. Even better, it's all more private than social media.
I hope you can enjoy the thrill of meeting an interesting, sexy, vital person, even if it turns out to be temporary. Go you!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:56 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Wayyy after the fact, I wanted to update this in case someone else looks at this thread. This guy did actually contact me - we did meet up (and hook up) when he was in my city and exchanged flirty texts for about a month after that. It kind of naturally fizzled, especially when we spent more time together and it became clear that this just wasn't a thing that was going to go anywhere. I'm kind of glad I got to experience this, and I'm sure if we see each other again, it will be fine and a nice (if only slightly awkward) memory for both of us.
Thanks, though, for your always stellar advice. :)
posted by bookgirl18 at 12:06 PM on June 26, 2015
Thanks, though, for your always stellar advice. :)
posted by bookgirl18 at 12:06 PM on June 26, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:26 PM on January 5, 2015 [8 favorites]