It's been a year and he still won't sleep with me.
October 2, 2014 9:05 PM Subscribe
I am a female and my boyfriend and I have been seeing each other about once a week for over a year. I am 27 and he is 30. I know he isn't seeing anybody else, and that he likes me. Why have we still not slept together?
Our dates are always affectionate and last several hours and he is very flirty. Sometimes he withdraws and acts distant but then it goes back to normal after I ask him what is wrong. I've told him that I want to sleep with him and need that part of intimacy with him. A few months ago he said he needs to be in love first. Two weeks ago I brought it up again and he said he wants to sleep with me too but isn't very sexual. So, last week he called saying he wanted to stay the night at my place. This was meant to happen yesterday, well he called and asked if we could meet in town instead for dinner and drinks. I met him in town and was very upset and cried, and told him I feel unloved, but he couldn't offer me a reason as to why. He said it will happen but couldn't open up and explain to me what he is afraid of. I asked him if it's because he finds me ugly and doesn't want to sleep with me, which he said wasn't the case or our relationship would have ended a long time ago. Btw he has slept with his previous girlfriends before and he told me that he is straight, so assume he isn't a virgin and also that that he isn't dating anybody else. I thought maybe he has a girlfriend, but then surely he would have had sex with me and then left me? Or if he was having sex with other women, then he would also be having sex with me?
I know he likes me, but that he is afraid of attachment, but he makes long term plans with me and always asks to see me. He told me he was abused when he was younger, something he hasn't told anybody else.
I am attractive and not overweight, he is handsome and charming and I love his personality and the times we have together, honestly he makes me feel so alive and happy and he says that he feels the same way. I was dating other men while also dating him, until we had our exclusivity talk last month, but he was always on my mind anyway.
I am craving him so much. I've never been in a situation where the man has not made any move to try to get me into bed. He has gone down on me a few times, and doesn't want me to go down on him yet. Honestly, it hurts, and he knows this but probably doesn't know the extent of how much I feel deprived. I would accept him no matter what, but he won't even stay the night with me. I know most of you will say dtmf but what i would like is help on what I can say to him, and also if you have ever been in this situation before and what was the outcome. If you are a guy who won't sleep with your partner of over a year, why is this the case? Also is once a week very little time together? Any advice is welcome as I am quite confused but don't want to give up on it just yet. Thank you in advance.
Our dates are always affectionate and last several hours and he is very flirty. Sometimes he withdraws and acts distant but then it goes back to normal after I ask him what is wrong. I've told him that I want to sleep with him and need that part of intimacy with him. A few months ago he said he needs to be in love first. Two weeks ago I brought it up again and he said he wants to sleep with me too but isn't very sexual. So, last week he called saying he wanted to stay the night at my place. This was meant to happen yesterday, well he called and asked if we could meet in town instead for dinner and drinks. I met him in town and was very upset and cried, and told him I feel unloved, but he couldn't offer me a reason as to why. He said it will happen but couldn't open up and explain to me what he is afraid of. I asked him if it's because he finds me ugly and doesn't want to sleep with me, which he said wasn't the case or our relationship would have ended a long time ago. Btw he has slept with his previous girlfriends before and he told me that he is straight, so assume he isn't a virgin and also that that he isn't dating anybody else. I thought maybe he has a girlfriend, but then surely he would have had sex with me and then left me? Or if he was having sex with other women, then he would also be having sex with me?
I know he likes me, but that he is afraid of attachment, but he makes long term plans with me and always asks to see me. He told me he was abused when he was younger, something he hasn't told anybody else.
I am attractive and not overweight, he is handsome and charming and I love his personality and the times we have together, honestly he makes me feel so alive and happy and he says that he feels the same way. I was dating other men while also dating him, until we had our exclusivity talk last month, but he was always on my mind anyway.
I am craving him so much. I've never been in a situation where the man has not made any move to try to get me into bed. He has gone down on me a few times, and doesn't want me to go down on him yet. Honestly, it hurts, and he knows this but probably doesn't know the extent of how much I feel deprived. I would accept him no matter what, but he won't even stay the night with me. I know most of you will say dtmf but what i would like is help on what I can say to him, and also if you have ever been in this situation before and what was the outcome. If you are a guy who won't sleep with your partner of over a year, why is this the case? Also is once a week very little time together? Any advice is welcome as I am quite confused but don't want to give up on it just yet. Thank you in advance.
Yup - lots of reasons on his side why this might be happening.
Doesn't matter! You want an emotional and sexual relationship with him. This is normal. He does not.
You are incompatible.
Move on. End of story.
posted by BrooksCooper at 9:20 PM on October 2, 2014 [54 favorites]
Doesn't matter! You want an emotional and sexual relationship with him. This is normal. He does not.
You are incompatible.
Move on. End of story.
posted by BrooksCooper at 9:20 PM on October 2, 2014 [54 favorites]
Virgin?
Gay?
Liar?
Madonna/Whore?
Narcissist?
Limerance?
Cryptic Religionist?
Control freak?
Gawd, who knows? It could be anything.
If he doesn't tell you, I'm sure not going to figure it out.
Once a week seems like an excessive distance.
You certainly deserve more considerate treatment.
How long are you going to wait?
posted by the Real Dan at 9:20 PM on October 2, 2014 [11 favorites]
Gay?
Liar?
Madonna/Whore?
Narcissist?
Limerance?
Cryptic Religionist?
Control freak?
Gawd, who knows? It could be anything.
If he doesn't tell you, I'm sure not going to figure it out.
Once a week seems like an excessive distance.
You certainly deserve more considerate treatment.
How long are you going to wait?
posted by the Real Dan at 9:20 PM on October 2, 2014 [11 favorites]
In the past I have found myself in a similar situation before, though 1) we saw each other five nights a week and 2) the lack of physical intimacy became an issue three months in. I then found out that she was a victim of sexual abuse, and then shortly after that, that she was never very committed in our relationship and her long term plans were really her attempt to convince herself to stay. To this day I don't know if we never had sex because of her past abuse, or because she never planned on getting far with me.
I don't know what would be a good advice for you, except that maybe you should let him know in a clear manner that 1) you accept him and his fears and whatnot but also 2) that you feel deprived; that you need the physical relationship to move to the next level. Frankly, though, to me this situation sounds very fishy. He may not intend ill, but I'm almost willing to bet that he's gonna hurt you.
I really want to give you a hug.
posted by atetrachordofthree at 9:20 PM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
I don't know what would be a good advice for you, except that maybe you should let him know in a clear manner that 1) you accept him and his fears and whatnot but also 2) that you feel deprived; that you need the physical relationship to move to the next level. Frankly, though, to me this situation sounds very fishy. He may not intend ill, but I'm almost willing to bet that he's gonna hurt you.
I really want to give you a hug.
posted by atetrachordofthree at 9:20 PM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
It's not just that he doesn't want to sleep with you. It's that he doesn't want to sleep with you and also doesn't want to talk about it or particularly work on it. Walk away from this, gently if that makes you feel better than DTMF. This relationship is not working, despite all the nice parts.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:24 PM on October 2, 2014 [82 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:24 PM on October 2, 2014 [82 favorites]
You may never know why. Only he can tell you and it's pretty clear he doesn't want to. DTFMA - you can pretty much expect this to never change. And no, once a week is very little time for most people, but it doesn't matter how much other time people spend together, it matters how much time YOU want to spend.
Seriously, how long are you going to put up with this?
posted by zug at 9:26 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Seriously, how long are you going to put up with this?
posted by zug at 9:26 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
There's nothing that you can say to him. You've already said it. I'm sorry, but your words can't change this.
It is time to break up.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:27 PM on October 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
It is time to break up.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:27 PM on October 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation, it sounds like you're having a hard time with it. To your credit, it sounds like you've been very clear with him about your needs and expectations, and that for whatever reason he just isn't able to provide the physical connection you're looking for. I can't imagine this will change if you somehow coax or guilt him into having sex with you; you want sex to be fun and shameless and communicative, and he doesn't seem to be in a place to provide that, even if he genuinely wanted to. I doubt you want sex to be a favor he manages to make himself provide you from time to time. We can't know what his reasons are — maybe he's asexual, or maybe he's dealing aftermath of abuse, or maybe a million different reasons.
But honestly, to me the lack of communication would be a bigger barrier than the lack of sex. You two have been seeing each other (even if only casually) for over a year, but he still doesn't tell you enough about his inner life for you to know conclusively if he's dating other people. It sounds like even talking about sex is pretty much a non-starter on his end; he either doesn't want to tell you why he isn't open to sex, or he doesn't know and isn't interested in figuring it out. You've had to try to piece together his motivations by resorting to generalizations and hypotheticals. And he gets withdrawn and moody? That combo, to me, would be a complete deal-breaker. He need to figure his stuff out—which can be whatever combination of sex or no sex or anything he wants, but he needs to be up front about it with his romantic partners, and needs to stop promising things he obviously isn't ready to deliver.
posted by you're a kitty! at 9:27 PM on October 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
But honestly, to me the lack of communication would be a bigger barrier than the lack of sex. You two have been seeing each other (even if only casually) for over a year, but he still doesn't tell you enough about his inner life for you to know conclusively if he's dating other people. It sounds like even talking about sex is pretty much a non-starter on his end; he either doesn't want to tell you why he isn't open to sex, or he doesn't know and isn't interested in figuring it out. You've had to try to piece together his motivations by resorting to generalizations and hypotheticals. And he gets withdrawn and moody? That combo, to me, would be a complete deal-breaker. He need to figure his stuff out—which can be whatever combination of sex or no sex or anything he wants, but he needs to be up front about it with his romantic partners, and needs to stop promising things he obviously isn't ready to deliver.
posted by you're a kitty! at 9:27 PM on October 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
" I was dating other men while also dating him, until we had our exclusivity talk last month..."
That's it right there. He's already told you he needed to be in love. He doubted whether you were ready to commit to him. All of you people who are telling you to break up with him... would you be saying the same thing if the OP was male dating a female? Especially in light of the abuse admission?
posted by brownrd at 9:30 PM on October 2, 2014 [16 favorites]
That's it right there. He's already told you he needed to be in love. He doubted whether you were ready to commit to him. All of you people who are telling you to break up with him... would you be saying the same thing if the OP was male dating a female? Especially in light of the abuse admission?
posted by brownrd at 9:30 PM on October 2, 2014 [16 favorites]
You've only been exclusive for a month. He's opened up to you about his history of being abused. I assume that means sexually abused, and I assume that has something to do with his reluctance to have sex. If you care so much about him, why aren't you willing to give him a little more one month to deal with this? It's fine if you don't find it acceptable to have gone this long without sex, but if you really feel that way, then don't accept what you consider unacceptable — leave. If you don't want to leave, then try accepting him for who he is.
Pressuring someone over and over to have sex is unlikely to work well. If you hadn't buried the fact that he's been abused, and perhaps if the genders were reversed, I think some people might be more understanding of the fact that it might take him a little longer to get comfortable going all the way than it does for you.
posted by John Cohen at 9:43 PM on October 2, 2014 [14 favorites]
Pressuring someone over and over to have sex is unlikely to work well. If you hadn't buried the fact that he's been abused, and perhaps if the genders were reversed, I think some people might be more understanding of the fact that it might take him a little longer to get comfortable going all the way than it does for you.
posted by John Cohen at 9:43 PM on October 2, 2014 [14 favorites]
Wow, this is like a parade of red flags.
I get that he doesn't want to have sex if he's not in love with you, but, seriously, it's not really OK to date someone for over a year and still not be "in love" yet. If he's not in love with you now, he's not ever going to be. I know this is hard to hear, but it's true.
The changing answers thing is weird. Something isn't right here. Obviously it's his right to be true to himself and not have sex he doesn't want to have, but he's not being open about what's going on. And like what I said above, if after a year he's not ready to be open with you about his needs, that doesn't bode well for you guys having a future together.
To me it seems really weird that someone who is in the closet would go to all this trouble, but honestly if I were in your position I wouldn't believe for a second that he has slept with other women he has dated in an ordinary type manner.
And if he's telling the truth there, does that really make him seem much better? Like, the best case scenario here is that he is attracted to women and able to be sexual with them, just not with you. His ability to be sexual with you is the point, here. And he can't. So.
Something is up, and whether it's his "fault" or he's being honest with you or not, or whatever the case may be, it's not good. Sometimes relationships don't work out without one person having to be the bad guy who did something wrong and ruined everything. It doesn't really matter why this is a problem in your relationship. The fact that it is a problem points to several major incompatibilities between you.
This would be a huge dealbreaker to me, and it sounds like it's a dealbreaker for you. Seeing as he seems really intent on not changing, it feels like you guys are at an impasse.
posted by Sara C. at 9:46 PM on October 2, 2014 [10 favorites]
I get that he doesn't want to have sex if he's not in love with you, but, seriously, it's not really OK to date someone for over a year and still not be "in love" yet. If he's not in love with you now, he's not ever going to be. I know this is hard to hear, but it's true.
The changing answers thing is weird. Something isn't right here. Obviously it's his right to be true to himself and not have sex he doesn't want to have, but he's not being open about what's going on. And like what I said above, if after a year he's not ready to be open with you about his needs, that doesn't bode well for you guys having a future together.
To me it seems really weird that someone who is in the closet would go to all this trouble, but honestly if I were in your position I wouldn't believe for a second that he has slept with other women he has dated in an ordinary type manner.
And if he's telling the truth there, does that really make him seem much better? Like, the best case scenario here is that he is attracted to women and able to be sexual with them, just not with you. His ability to be sexual with you is the point, here. And he can't. So.
Something is up, and whether it's his "fault" or he's being honest with you or not, or whatever the case may be, it's not good. Sometimes relationships don't work out without one person having to be the bad guy who did something wrong and ruined everything. It doesn't really matter why this is a problem in your relationship. The fact that it is a problem points to several major incompatibilities between you.
This would be a huge dealbreaker to me, and it sounds like it's a dealbreaker for you. Seeing as he seems really intent on not changing, it feels like you guys are at an impasse.
posted by Sara C. at 9:46 PM on October 2, 2014 [10 favorites]
Even if the OP's love interest was female, going a year without sex from a partner is a big ask and something that would throw a spanner in the works of most relationships. Its personally not something I'd be willing to do for someone I was seeing casually (once a week).
Here I agree this bigger issue is the lack of communication. If it's this bad after a year I just don't see it suddenly (or even slowly) becoming healthy and emotionally/psychologically close. I agree with Sara C that if love hasn't happened by now it probably won't ever.
posted by everydayanewday at 9:50 PM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
Here I agree this bigger issue is the lack of communication. If it's this bad after a year I just don't see it suddenly (or even slowly) becoming healthy and emotionally/psychologically close. I agree with Sara C that if love hasn't happened by now it probably won't ever.
posted by everydayanewday at 9:50 PM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
Yes, I would say the same if the genders were reversed. Neither of the people in this relationship are getting their needs met by their partner and one party is unwilling to communicate about it after a year. Someone being abused does not absolve them of any responsibility if they choose to enter into a relationship. Yes, that would make it a relationship that needs to be navigated delicately, but it seems she has been doing that and he has given little on his end. She should not be criticized for choosing to exit this relationship just because he was abused.
On preview, it seems that John Cohen is making a lit of assumptions about this guys reasons and needs. The problem is that he's the one that needs to be discussing these things, not strangers on the internet guessing or assuming where his head's at.
If abuse is in fact the source of his issue, then it would be healthier for him to choose to not be in a relationship in which his partner's needs make him uncomfortable and in which is he unable to communicate.
posted by greta simone at 9:52 PM on October 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
On preview, it seems that John Cohen is making a lit of assumptions about this guys reasons and needs. The problem is that he's the one that needs to be discussing these things, not strangers on the internet guessing or assuming where his head's at.
If abuse is in fact the source of his issue, then it would be healthier for him to choose to not be in a relationship in which his partner's needs make him uncomfortable and in which is he unable to communicate.
posted by greta simone at 9:52 PM on October 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
You realize you're only so INTENSELY hung up on him because he is withholding love, sex, intimacy, and most importantly, information about himself? Right?
I'm appalled you keep thinking that you are the problem, that you're not good enough in this guy's opinion.
---
This relationship just isn't viable. I'm sorry.
Even if he has a history of abuse, he's not sharing information, the result is that he is emotionally abusing you.
This is emotional manipulation and abuse, even if he is not doing it on purpose.
The best thing you can do for him is break up because hurting another person isn't good.
Do you understand?
Allowing him to hurt you this much is hurtful. You must end this cycle and the relationship, for both of your sakes.
PS - if he suddenly wants to sleep with you after you break up, please don't fall for it. That would be the definition of dysfunction, not romance. Healthy relationships do not operate in this manner.
posted by jbenben at 10:11 PM on October 2, 2014 [31 favorites]
I'm appalled you keep thinking that you are the problem, that you're not good enough in this guy's opinion.
---
This relationship just isn't viable. I'm sorry.
Even if he has a history of abuse, he's not sharing information, the result is that he is emotionally abusing you.
This is emotional manipulation and abuse, even if he is not doing it on purpose.
The best thing you can do for him is break up because hurting another person isn't good.
Do you understand?
Allowing him to hurt you this much is hurtful. You must end this cycle and the relationship, for both of your sakes.
PS - if he suddenly wants to sleep with you after you break up, please don't fall for it. That would be the definition of dysfunction, not romance. Healthy relationships do not operate in this manner.
posted by jbenben at 10:11 PM on October 2, 2014 [31 favorites]
On preview, it seems that John Cohen is making a lit of assumptions about this guys reasons and needs. The problem is that he's the one that needs to be discussing these things, not strangers on the internet guessing or assuming where his head's at.
Yes, of course I made assumptions, which is why I repeatedly said "I assume..." in my answer! So thanks for underscoring what I already said. And of course they should communicate with each other. What many of these answers seem to be missing is that this couple has only been exclusive for a month. I find it hard to believe that you would talk about whether someone's girlfriend (as opposed to boyfriend) is "absolved" of "responsibility." Responsibility for what — having sex upon request? No one should feel compelled to have sex. It should go without saying that you should only have sex if you both want to. In no way am I saying you have to stay with him out of sympathy because he's been abused. No, if you really need sex sooner than he's willing to do, by all means, break up with him and find someone else. But if you stay together with him, I recommend cooling down on the whole sex thing for a little while.
I know: "but it's already been a year!!!" But that's not such a big deal when you've been dating other people until just recently. For many people, non-exclusivity necessarily means not having sex yet. So to him, it might feel like it's really just a month in, and to him that might not be that long. To you, even a month might feel like way too long. As some random stranger on the internet, of course it's not for me to say which of your views on sex is OK and which isn't. You're both allowed to have your views, but it's clear that your views aren't 100% compatible. So you can either split up, or you can compromise. Pick one. But realize: the person who's more interested in sex naturally does more compromising and waiting than the person who's less interested.
posted by John Cohen at 10:13 PM on October 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
Yes, of course I made assumptions, which is why I repeatedly said "I assume..." in my answer! So thanks for underscoring what I already said. And of course they should communicate with each other. What many of these answers seem to be missing is that this couple has only been exclusive for a month. I find it hard to believe that you would talk about whether someone's girlfriend (as opposed to boyfriend) is "absolved" of "responsibility." Responsibility for what — having sex upon request? No one should feel compelled to have sex. It should go without saying that you should only have sex if you both want to. In no way am I saying you have to stay with him out of sympathy because he's been abused. No, if you really need sex sooner than he's willing to do, by all means, break up with him and find someone else. But if you stay together with him, I recommend cooling down on the whole sex thing for a little while.
I know: "but it's already been a year!!!" But that's not such a big deal when you've been dating other people until just recently. For many people, non-exclusivity necessarily means not having sex yet. So to him, it might feel like it's really just a month in, and to him that might not be that long. To you, even a month might feel like way too long. As some random stranger on the internet, of course it's not for me to say which of your views on sex is OK and which isn't. You're both allowed to have your views, but it's clear that your views aren't 100% compatible. So you can either split up, or you can compromise. Pick one. But realize: the person who's more interested in sex naturally does more compromising and waiting than the person who's less interested.
posted by John Cohen at 10:13 PM on October 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
I agree it would clear things up if he opened up more...if he's "going distant" sometimes there might (hard to tell from a written message) be something particular he's thinking of and doesn't want to talk about. Maybe...tell him your guesses about what he's thinking? I'm not sure what would work here.
It sounds like you wanted him to sleep with you without being exclusive. Many guys would not do this. Does he enjoy having many partners, or is he looking for one partner? Not having sex after one month of being exclusive sounds reasonable for one-partner kind of people.
I think he should wait another two months to make sure YOU love HIM and aren't just lusting after him.
posted by sninctown at 10:13 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you wanted him to sleep with you without being exclusive. Many guys would not do this. Does he enjoy having many partners, or is he looking for one partner? Not having sex after one month of being exclusive sounds reasonable for one-partner kind of people.
I think he should wait another two months to make sure YOU love HIM and aren't just lusting after him.
posted by sninctown at 10:13 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
There's this thing that happens with men sometimes where they have some kind of performance anxiety or shame issue like not getting an erection or premature ejaculation AND IT CAN DRIVE MEN CRAZY!!
They (we) can be deeply ashamed of it and, of course, it just becomes a vicious cycle getting worse the more we are afraid of being open about it.
I think you should consider that whatever it is, it likely has *nothing* to do with you.
I'd suggest that you gently let him know that you're aware he may have some kind of deep shame or secret anxiety about having sex with you. And it's certainly possible to break up now and then he could keep his secret. OR, if he is willing to take the risk, you and he could move closer and be more intimate now. That you will work this out with him, that you want to make it work, but that he has to be willing to take that scary step of being vulnerable with you - NOW - if he wants the relationship to move forward.
posted by jasper411 at 10:30 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
They (we) can be deeply ashamed of it and, of course, it just becomes a vicious cycle getting worse the more we are afraid of being open about it.
I think you should consider that whatever it is, it likely has *nothing* to do with you.
I'd suggest that you gently let him know that you're aware he may have some kind of deep shame or secret anxiety about having sex with you. And it's certainly possible to break up now and then he could keep his secret. OR, if he is willing to take the risk, you and he could move closer and be more intimate now. That you will work this out with him, that you want to make it work, but that he has to be willing to take that scary step of being vulnerable with you - NOW - if he wants the relationship to move forward.
posted by jasper411 at 10:30 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think the "what if the genders are reversed" is a super useful thing here. There's a bunch of very specific weird expectations and dynamics in a hetero relationship where, with this kind of thing, it's not really fair or realistic to just flip it.
Whether or not you guys had the talk, talk or not, in a year most working relationships will have naturally progressed to a lot more seriousness and time spent together than this. This is like, the demo version of a relationship. It gives the appearance of being one at first glance, but is actually just a replay of the first stage over and over.
I think the "only exclusive for a month" thing is totally irrelevant if it's been a damn year. If he's that hung up on this, he needs to figure it out on his own before leading someone on for a year. I think a lot of people aren't realizing how weird it is that all this time went by before the exclusivity talk. You guys are adults, if that was something that was important to him he should have used his words and brought it up like, 10 months ago.
I'm sympathetic to the abuse thing, but that isn't someone elses problem to slowly tease out of him for well, years. Unless they really really really want to. You're not required to be that person, and you shouldn't feel bad for not letting him work it out over some gigantic time scale.
You are not a bad or weird person for expecting more by now, or long before now honestly.
Even if he wants to start working on building it up from now, now that you're exclusive, that is still horribly dysfunctional that it was basically relationship foreplay for a year without him using his words about what he wanted at all. How does that really bode for future communication, even if you gave him a chance? that, in and of itself, is a massive red flag to me.
There are other people like this guy out there, and he needs to find one of them. People who move very carefully and slowly on this kind of thing and would be perfectly fine with this.
posted by emptythought at 10:32 PM on October 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
Whether or not you guys had the talk, talk or not, in a year most working relationships will have naturally progressed to a lot more seriousness and time spent together than this. This is like, the demo version of a relationship. It gives the appearance of being one at first glance, but is actually just a replay of the first stage over and over.
I think the "only exclusive for a month" thing is totally irrelevant if it's been a damn year. If he's that hung up on this, he needs to figure it out on his own before leading someone on for a year. I think a lot of people aren't realizing how weird it is that all this time went by before the exclusivity talk. You guys are adults, if that was something that was important to him he should have used his words and brought it up like, 10 months ago.
I'm sympathetic to the abuse thing, but that isn't someone elses problem to slowly tease out of him for well, years. Unless they really really really want to. You're not required to be that person, and you shouldn't feel bad for not letting him work it out over some gigantic time scale.
You are not a bad or weird person for expecting more by now, or long before now honestly.
Even if he wants to start working on building it up from now, now that you're exclusive, that is still horribly dysfunctional that it was basically relationship foreplay for a year without him using his words about what he wanted at all. How does that really bode for future communication, even if you gave him a chance? that, in and of itself, is a massive red flag to me.
There are other people like this guy out there, and he needs to find one of them. People who move very carefully and slowly on this kind of thing and would be perfectly fine with this.
posted by emptythought at 10:32 PM on October 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
the result is that he is emotionally abusing you
I disagree. Yes, more communication will be necessary if this is going to work, but OP, he did tell you he needed to be in love before having sex.
You've been exclusive for one month and see each other once a week, so you've seen him approximately four times since choosing not to be with other guys? Isn't it possible he's not entirely sure how committed you are?
I really don't think this is open/shut case of him stringing you along. In fact, to him it may seem controlling of you to end other relationships and immediately start pressuring him. If you don't want to DTMFA, try easing up (ask him out more often, but to do casual low-pressure fun stuff). If there's still no communication and no sex after another month, at least you tried (while not dating other people--definitely a deal-breaker for lots of people). Good luck!
posted by whoiam at 10:40 PM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
I disagree. Yes, more communication will be necessary if this is going to work, but OP, he did tell you he needed to be in love before having sex.
You've been exclusive for one month and see each other once a week, so you've seen him approximately four times since choosing not to be with other guys? Isn't it possible he's not entirely sure how committed you are?
I really don't think this is open/shut case of him stringing you along. In fact, to him it may seem controlling of you to end other relationships and immediately start pressuring him. If you don't want to DTMFA, try easing up (ask him out more often, but to do casual low-pressure fun stuff). If there's still no communication and no sex after another month, at least you tried (while not dating other people--definitely a deal-breaker for lots of people). Good luck!
posted by whoiam at 10:40 PM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
I think the "what if the genders are reversed" is a super useful thing here.
Holy shit oops, that was supposed to be "i DON'T think"
posted by emptythought at 10:45 PM on October 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
Holy shit oops, that was supposed to be "i DON'T think"
posted by emptythought at 10:45 PM on October 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
I find it hard to believe that you would talk about whether someone's girlfriend (as opposed to boyfriend) is "absolved" of "responsibility." Responsibility for what — having sex upon request? No one should feel compelled to have sex.
No one is ever required or compelled to have sex. Not anyone, not of any gender. But adults trying to have a healthy relationship are responsible for understanding and being honest about their own wants and needs. If he had sat down before they decided to be exclusive (or if you ask me, like at least eleven months earlier) and said, "Hey, I will not want to have sex any time soon, possibly ever, and also I don't want to talk about sex. Is that okay?" then, cool. But leading someone on for a year while knowing their expectations and not explaining: not cool, and does not bode well for the future.
posted by you're a kitty! at 10:51 PM on October 2, 2014 [15 favorites]
No one is ever required or compelled to have sex. Not anyone, not of any gender. But adults trying to have a healthy relationship are responsible for understanding and being honest about their own wants and needs. If he had sat down before they decided to be exclusive (or if you ask me, like at least eleven months earlier) and said, "Hey, I will not want to have sex any time soon, possibly ever, and also I don't want to talk about sex. Is that okay?" then, cool. But leading someone on for a year while knowing their expectations and not explaining: not cool, and does not bode well for the future.
posted by you're a kitty! at 10:51 PM on October 2, 2014 [15 favorites]
that he is afraid of attachment
Afraid of attachment = not ready/able to forge a strong, healthy relationship with you.
I suspect you'll stay with him until you are all worn out from his withholding sex or whatever mind games he decides to play with you. But you're going to eventually get exhausted and worn out by his lack of participation. Sex won't solve his inability to be truly intimate and open with you. There will always be something he won't share with you.
He ought to see a therapist if he's having PTSD from his history. Maybe you should suggest that to him gently.
posted by discopolo at 11:12 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
Afraid of attachment = not ready/able to forge a strong, healthy relationship with you.
I suspect you'll stay with him until you are all worn out from his withholding sex or whatever mind games he decides to play with you. But you're going to eventually get exhausted and worn out by his lack of participation. Sex won't solve his inability to be truly intimate and open with you. There will always be something he won't share with you.
He ought to see a therapist if he's having PTSD from his history. Maybe you should suggest that to him gently.
posted by discopolo at 11:12 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
I was in a relationship for more than a year with a man who would not have sex with me and refused to talk about why. We also saw each other once a week (or less), often mostly in a bigger group for most of the evening followed by a celibate sleepover at his place (always his place, always on his terms, there was always something wrong with my place or whatever I wanted us to do).
Most of those nights I would spoon him before we went to sleep, and he kinda...tolerated it?...but never reciprocated or showed any sign of being into it beyond it being a thing he was letting me do to him for my benefit. I had to ask him to spoon me once, and he laughed as though it was ridiculous that I should have had to ask, but it wasn't at all funny, since I knew he wouldn't touch me affectionately voluntarily. We weren't doing anything else intimate, either - the contact we had was a chaste kiss on the lips and an awkward hug when I arrived.
I would bite down on all my doubts and fears and deep loneliness (lying in bed next to someone who is ostensibly your boyfriend and feeling that profoundly alone is one of the worst feelings I've experienced) for months, until it got too much and I'd start sobbing in bed and we'd "talk" - which meant he'd get very panicky (in a way that made me feel very blamed for making him upset - I have bad anxiety myself, I get that it sucks and it's uncontrollable, but it felt like he was being anxious at me), he'd say he was sorry for all the ways in which our "relationship" wasn't fulfilling my needs but wouldn't talk about why he was behaving in certain ways, and then he'd throw me a bone - he'd promise we could talk about the lack of sex and a bunch of other stuff that was wrong at some unspecified point in the future. Spoilers: we never did. This cycle happened over and over again.
It never got better. He stonewalled every attempt I made to address the issues we were having. Meanwhile, I spent a lot of time feeling very panicky, a lot of time trying to adjust myself to fit the mould that I thought he wanted, a lot of time convincing myself that my needs weren't needs, they were just nice-to-haves and I could do without them. I boxed myself in smaller and smaller to try and make this guy start responding, but it never happened.
We broke up more than a year and a half ago, and I am still so angry I let myself get treated like that for so long. I've been in a loving and fulfilled relationship for more than a year now and I'm still angry as hell. It turned out that this was a distinct pattern of behaviour for him and he'd treated previous girlfriends this way, too.
I'm sorry for the lengthy anecdote. My advice is: run like hell. You probably don't want to hear this - I didn't want to hear it even long after I knew it, intellectually, as a fact - but the chances of things changing are minutely small and this kind of uneven setup and refusal to engage on one person's part can totally break the person who wants to make it work. It totally broke me.
posted by terretu at 11:19 PM on October 2, 2014 [64 favorites]
Most of those nights I would spoon him before we went to sleep, and he kinda...tolerated it?...but never reciprocated or showed any sign of being into it beyond it being a thing he was letting me do to him for my benefit. I had to ask him to spoon me once, and he laughed as though it was ridiculous that I should have had to ask, but it wasn't at all funny, since I knew he wouldn't touch me affectionately voluntarily. We weren't doing anything else intimate, either - the contact we had was a chaste kiss on the lips and an awkward hug when I arrived.
I would bite down on all my doubts and fears and deep loneliness (lying in bed next to someone who is ostensibly your boyfriend and feeling that profoundly alone is one of the worst feelings I've experienced) for months, until it got too much and I'd start sobbing in bed and we'd "talk" - which meant he'd get very panicky (in a way that made me feel very blamed for making him upset - I have bad anxiety myself, I get that it sucks and it's uncontrollable, but it felt like he was being anxious at me), he'd say he was sorry for all the ways in which our "relationship" wasn't fulfilling my needs but wouldn't talk about why he was behaving in certain ways, and then he'd throw me a bone - he'd promise we could talk about the lack of sex and a bunch of other stuff that was wrong at some unspecified point in the future. Spoilers: we never did. This cycle happened over and over again.
It never got better. He stonewalled every attempt I made to address the issues we were having. Meanwhile, I spent a lot of time feeling very panicky, a lot of time trying to adjust myself to fit the mould that I thought he wanted, a lot of time convincing myself that my needs weren't needs, they were just nice-to-haves and I could do without them. I boxed myself in smaller and smaller to try and make this guy start responding, but it never happened.
We broke up more than a year and a half ago, and I am still so angry I let myself get treated like that for so long. I've been in a loving and fulfilled relationship for more than a year now and I'm still angry as hell. It turned out that this was a distinct pattern of behaviour for him and he'd treated previous girlfriends this way, too.
I'm sorry for the lengthy anecdote. My advice is: run like hell. You probably don't want to hear this - I didn't want to hear it even long after I knew it, intellectually, as a fact - but the chances of things changing are minutely small and this kind of uneven setup and refusal to engage on one person's part can totally break the person who wants to make it work. It totally broke me.
posted by terretu at 11:19 PM on October 2, 2014 [64 favorites]
You've been seeing someone for a whole year, and you still only see each other once a week and you have never had sex? I'm sorry, but this barely qualifies as a relationship.
You can either try to find a square peg in a round hole and try to make things work with this guy (and it will be "work"), or you can just realize this really isn't working out and try to find someone else. I know you want to be with him, but it doesn't sound mutual, either because he doesn't return the feelings or he has issues preventing him from being in a healthy relationship. Whatever it is, you probably can't really do anything about it. He just isn't giving you what you need and seems unable or unwilling to figure it out. I'd save some heartache, end things and try to rebound with a new guy.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:27 PM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
You can either try to find a square peg in a round hole and try to make things work with this guy (and it will be "work"), or you can just realize this really isn't working out and try to find someone else. I know you want to be with him, but it doesn't sound mutual, either because he doesn't return the feelings or he has issues preventing him from being in a healthy relationship. Whatever it is, you probably can't really do anything about it. He just isn't giving you what you need and seems unable or unwilling to figure it out. I'd save some heartache, end things and try to rebound with a new guy.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:27 PM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
Even if someone hear manages to figure out the real reason he won't have sex with you, consider that that's not necessarily going to change anything. It's the reason that he won't have sex with you. The italicised bit of that sentence is the important part. He won't have sex with you. Is knowing that it's because of A or B or C going to make things any better for you?
This relationship isn't fulfilling your needs. No matter how much you like this guy, face that fact head on and accept it as truth. Knowing that that is the case, save yourself some pain and go find someone you can feel exactly the same way about, who also wants to have sex with you and fulfil your other needs. You'll be saving yourself a lot of pain in the meantime.
Ask him the question "Why don't we ever have sex?" and see what his response is. If he can't give you a coherent response, or he gives you one that signifies that nothing is going to change, then there's your answer. Accept it, and move on to pastures new. Your sex drive will thank you for it.
posted by Solomon at 12:11 AM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
This relationship isn't fulfilling your needs. No matter how much you like this guy, face that fact head on and accept it as truth. Knowing that that is the case, save yourself some pain and go find someone you can feel exactly the same way about, who also wants to have sex with you and fulfil your other needs. You'll be saving yourself a lot of pain in the meantime.
Ask him the question "Why don't we ever have sex?" and see what his response is. If he can't give you a coherent response, or he gives you one that signifies that nothing is going to change, then there's your answer. Accept it, and move on to pastures new. Your sex drive will thank you for it.
posted by Solomon at 12:11 AM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
He may or may not be doing it on purpose, but you are never going to get what you want from him.
posted by tomboko at 12:32 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by tomboko at 12:32 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
This may be out of line, but: have you seen his junk? Maybe he's got something physical going on that he's ashamed of or thinks you won't like? Size, ball count, skin condition, STD?
posted by bink at 12:43 AM on October 3, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by bink at 12:43 AM on October 3, 2014 [9 favorites]
What i would like is help on what I can say to him,
Nothing. You can't force people to have sex with you. (You could, of course, but that would be illegal.) He obviously doesn't want to and, after a year, the reasons don't matter. He has said no over and over again. Either accept his refusal or move on.
Also is once a week very little time together?
That depends on the couple but, personally, that wouldn't be enough for me.
My questions for you:
Have you ever actually seen him completely naked? Was he clothed on the occasions he went down on you? He may be hiding something from you. If you're only seeming once a week, how do you know he isn't seeing someone else or hiding a family?
posted by Ik ben afgesneden at 12:43 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Nothing. You can't force people to have sex with you. (You could, of course, but that would be illegal.) He obviously doesn't want to and, after a year, the reasons don't matter. He has said no over and over again. Either accept his refusal or move on.
Also is once a week very little time together?
That depends on the couple but, personally, that wouldn't be enough for me.
My questions for you:
Have you ever actually seen him completely naked? Was he clothed on the occasions he went down on you? He may be hiding something from you. If you're only seeming once a week, how do you know he isn't seeing someone else or hiding a family?
posted by Ik ben afgesneden at 12:43 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
You haven't been partners for a year - you've been partners for one month. You also see each other once a week, which is barely any time at all at the start of a relationship.
My guess is that he actually likes you a lot, but feels you're not serious about him at all. Craving someone is lust, not love. If you just want to shag someone, best find someone else.
posted by heyjude at 1:16 AM on October 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
My guess is that he actually likes you a lot, but feels you're not serious about him at all. Craving someone is lust, not love. If you just want to shag someone, best find someone else.
posted by heyjude at 1:16 AM on October 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
Feeling like you are wanted sexually and passionately by your potential life partner is a reasonable relationship need to bring to a possible relationship. If this isn't mirrored to you in a year of finding out about someone, then your want is not being met. Think about what YOU. Because dedicating your energy to unlocking the secret to him giving you what you want, also begging for it, crying about it and second guessing yourself around this area of relating is a dead end. For you (and me, and many people) sexual intimacy is a key way of expressing delight, love and connection. Maybe not for this guy for any number of possible reasons.
I have been dating a lot in the last while and I'm learning to make my judgments of relationship potential by what the other person is like Right Now. Not what he or she will be like if I beg for a different style of relating.
posted by honey-barbara at 1:56 AM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
I have been dating a lot in the last while and I'm learning to make my judgments of relationship potential by what the other person is like Right Now. Not what he or she will be like if I beg for a different style of relating.
posted by honey-barbara at 1:56 AM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
Why have we still not slept together?
he said he wants to sleep with me too but isn't very sexual.
He told me he was abused when he was younger, something he hasn't told anybody else.
You asked him, he answered. Trying to get different answers from other people isn't going to help because their answers are not his answers. Those may not be answers you are really feeling, and it's obviously messing with your self-worth, but they are still the answers.
The next conversation needs to be not about why, but about what, if anything, he is doing to work on these issues and what you can do to help him, so you can both get where you need to be for this relationship to work. If he doesn't want to try to solve them (therapy, etc) then you probably need to break up with him because this relationship isn't working for you as it is.
If you are a guy who won't sleep with your partner of over a year, why is this the case?
You're very fixed on the 'over a year' thing, but if you had the exclusivity talk last month, you haven't been partners for over a year. You've been casually dating for over 11 months, and maybe partners but maybe just more seriously dating for a month. If he needs to feel very loved, safe and committed to in order to feel like sex is okay, you're only barely getting there now.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:51 AM on October 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
he said he wants to sleep with me too but isn't very sexual.
He told me he was abused when he was younger, something he hasn't told anybody else.
You asked him, he answered. Trying to get different answers from other people isn't going to help because their answers are not his answers. Those may not be answers you are really feeling, and it's obviously messing with your self-worth, but they are still the answers.
The next conversation needs to be not about why, but about what, if anything, he is doing to work on these issues and what you can do to help him, so you can both get where you need to be for this relationship to work. If he doesn't want to try to solve them (therapy, etc) then you probably need to break up with him because this relationship isn't working for you as it is.
If you are a guy who won't sleep with your partner of over a year, why is this the case?
You're very fixed on the 'over a year' thing, but if you had the exclusivity talk last month, you haven't been partners for over a year. You've been casually dating for over 11 months, and maybe partners but maybe just more seriously dating for a month. If he needs to feel very loved, safe and committed to in order to feel like sex is okay, you're only barely getting there now.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:51 AM on October 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
Abuse is shrill in my opinion and he is only to blame for being uncommunicative. He doesn't owe you sex BUT you owe it to yourself to find someone who wants to give that to you, enthusiastically. Staying in this relationship will only deplete your self-esteem--I mean, look how much it has already, it is making you really needy and self-doubting (understandably, this isn't an attack AT ALL).
You guys clearly have totally different expectations. It's not as if he's been totally asexual or finds you unappealing, he has gone down on you but if he is unwilling to have you give him oral he clearly wants to wait for awhile to have sex himself, for whatever reason . Also yeah once a week is not often. I would advise you to leave before you spend any more time here--one year is a long damn time to be casually dating/not having sex if one party wants to. I don't see this working out.
posted by hejrat at 3:57 AM on October 3, 2014
You guys clearly have totally different expectations. It's not as if he's been totally asexual or finds you unappealing, he has gone down on you but if he is unwilling to have you give him oral he clearly wants to wait for awhile to have sex himself, for whatever reason . Also yeah once a week is not often. I would advise you to leave before you spend any more time here--one year is a long damn time to be casually dating/not having sex if one party wants to. I don't see this working out.
posted by hejrat at 3:57 AM on October 3, 2014
It's not just that he doesn't want to sleep with you. It's that he doesn't want to sleep with you and also doesn't want to talk about it or particularly work on it.
EXACTLY. This is a problem for several reasons, the lack of sex being only tangential to them.
1. You want to be having sex. You were open with him about your needs and he was uninterested in meeting them.
2. Partnership is based on communication. He is unwilling to fulfill this facet of a relationship.
3. You want a close, intimate relationship. He's not able to even talk about intimate matters with you.
The sex is actually kinda secondary. You could be having tons of sex and still have this problem.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:14 AM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
EXACTLY. This is a problem for several reasons, the lack of sex being only tangential to them.
1. You want to be having sex. You were open with him about your needs and he was uninterested in meeting them.
2. Partnership is based on communication. He is unwilling to fulfill this facet of a relationship.
3. You want a close, intimate relationship. He's not able to even talk about intimate matters with you.
The sex is actually kinda secondary. You could be having tons of sex and still have this problem.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:14 AM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
First off, he isn't your partner for a year. You only just became exclusive a month ago. He may be waiting to see if it will stick before he commits his heart to you.
Secondly, you have been dating for a year and he is not in love with you. Maybe it is because you were dating other men for 11 months of that, maybe it is something that will never happen.
Coming at him and demanding it puts pressure on him that is not helpful to your cause. The way I see it, you have two choices. You could break up with him and find some man who will have sex with you (super easy to do) or you could respect his needs, take sex off the table, and try to develop a loving, trusting relationship with him, which would hopefully, eventually, lead to sex on the table, the chairs, the bed, the floor, etc.
posted by myselfasme at 6:12 AM on October 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
Secondly, you have been dating for a year and he is not in love with you. Maybe it is because you were dating other men for 11 months of that, maybe it is something that will never happen.
Coming at him and demanding it puts pressure on him that is not helpful to your cause. The way I see it, you have two choices. You could break up with him and find some man who will have sex with you (super easy to do) or you could respect his needs, take sex off the table, and try to develop a loving, trusting relationship with him, which would hopefully, eventually, lead to sex on the table, the chairs, the bed, the floor, etc.
posted by myselfasme at 6:12 AM on October 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
I am pretty sure you are the same person that's asked several other very similar questions about this guy over the past few months. You keep getting the same answers - he's not being honest with you, he's not going to give you what you want, and you should move on - because that's all we can tell you. Asking the same thing in slightly different ways is not going to yield the magic answer that will give you the relationship that you want. Only he can tell you what's going on with him, and it's pretty clear he's not going to.
Why won't he have sex with you? He doesn't want to. There could be many reasons - he's gay, he's asexual, he's impotent, he's a trans man and doesn't want you to find out - who knows? All we can tell you is this "relationship" is never going to be what you want it to be. He likes things how they are, he keeps you at a distance, and dangles the carrot of "it's going to happen" when you start questioning, but he's never going to come through, and you accept it, so he has no incentive to change.
And no, it's not normal to only be seeing each other for a few hours once a week after a year. I wouldn't even call that a relationship, I'd call it casually dating. I'd expect to be much closer after a year.
If you are indeed the same poster, the lack of sex and intimacy is not the only issue with this guy. Please just accept that for whatever reason, he can't and won't give you what you want, and move on. You are a young attractive woman with plenty going for you, you can find someone else. You've wasted a year on this guy in a relationship that has not progressed. You're at the age when people are pairing up in serious relationships. Dump this guy and start looking for someone else. Pretty much any halfway decent guy you find is going to give you a more satisfying relationship. At the very least, he'll probably have sex with you.
It's sad to see you asking versions of the same question, month after month, still stuck in the exact same situation. Please move on. No, your relationship isn't normal, but you are not going to find someone on here to say "yes, I was in the exact same situation, here's what you say to fix everything." Just accept that this guy is not willing to tell you the truth, and there is nothing else you can do.
posted by catatethebird at 6:54 AM on October 3, 2014 [31 favorites]
Why won't he have sex with you? He doesn't want to. There could be many reasons - he's gay, he's asexual, he's impotent, he's a trans man and doesn't want you to find out - who knows? All we can tell you is this "relationship" is never going to be what you want it to be. He likes things how they are, he keeps you at a distance, and dangles the carrot of "it's going to happen" when you start questioning, but he's never going to come through, and you accept it, so he has no incentive to change.
And no, it's not normal to only be seeing each other for a few hours once a week after a year. I wouldn't even call that a relationship, I'd call it casually dating. I'd expect to be much closer after a year.
If you are indeed the same poster, the lack of sex and intimacy is not the only issue with this guy. Please just accept that for whatever reason, he can't and won't give you what you want, and move on. You are a young attractive woman with plenty going for you, you can find someone else. You've wasted a year on this guy in a relationship that has not progressed. You're at the age when people are pairing up in serious relationships. Dump this guy and start looking for someone else. Pretty much any halfway decent guy you find is going to give you a more satisfying relationship. At the very least, he'll probably have sex with you.
It's sad to see you asking versions of the same question, month after month, still stuck in the exact same situation. Please move on. No, your relationship isn't normal, but you are not going to find someone on here to say "yes, I was in the exact same situation, here's what you say to fix everything." Just accept that this guy is not willing to tell you the truth, and there is nothing else you can do.
posted by catatethebird at 6:54 AM on October 3, 2014 [31 favorites]
but what i would like is help on what I can say to him
You have been living with this situation for a year, and you've been actively working on ways to fix it during most of that time. If there were something you could say to change it, you would have found it already.
posted by jaguar at 7:03 AM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
You have been living with this situation for a year, and you've been actively working on ways to fix it during most of that time. If there were something you could say to change it, you would have found it already.
posted by jaguar at 7:03 AM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
Please listen to the catatethebird.
posted by Specklet at 7:46 AM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Specklet at 7:46 AM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
I only needed to read the title of your post: "It's been a year and he still wont sleep with me" , to know that the only answer to this situation is, it's obviously not working.... get out while you can!
posted by JenThePro at 7:50 AM on October 3, 2014
posted by JenThePro at 7:50 AM on October 3, 2014
Btw he has slept with his previous girlfriends before and he told me that he is straight,
He could be lying.
posted by Melismata at 8:03 AM on October 3, 2014 [7 favorites]
He could be lying.
posted by Melismata at 8:03 AM on October 3, 2014 [7 favorites]
hi there. i'm like your boyfriend in some respects. he has a low sex drive, or he's not that much into you...
something bad happened to him when he was younger, could be abuse, could be something else. if a girl he loved had committed suicide, that would be enough to fuck him up for life.
there is no hope for your relationship. you need to have the dump-talk with him pronto, tell him you can still be friends. if he's like me, he'll be relieved to hear it, because he also knows that the current situation is untenable.
posted by bruce at 8:28 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
something bad happened to him when he was younger, could be abuse, could be something else. if a girl he loved had committed suicide, that would be enough to fuck him up for life.
there is no hope for your relationship. you need to have the dump-talk with him pronto, tell him you can still be friends. if he's like me, he'll be relieved to hear it, because he also knows that the current situation is untenable.
posted by bruce at 8:28 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Since you specifically asked for non-dumping advice, I'll try to approach it from that angle (though, like others, I tend to feel that unfortunately the situation is unlikely to get better).
When you were dating other people, were you sleeping with them? Did he know that? (If you weren't, was that because you really just wanted to be with him?) If he really wants to have sex in a monogamous, committed relationship, then yes, it's possible a little time might help.
The fact that he's willing to go down on you, but not vice versa, makes me think that control is important to him. I've never known someone who was sexually abused, but I can only imagine that the idea of sex would cause a lot of anxiety. It makes me think of a past relationship where I didn't want to *literally* sleep with someone initially. We had sex, but I was struggling with insomnia and didn't want to spend the night. What made things worse: feeling clear pressure from him to stay at his apartment, even when he didn't say it, and his disappointment. When I was later with someone who clearly accepted me as I was and who made me feel safely loved, I was able to make the transition into staying at his place. There was no pressure.
If you want to give this relationship more time (which, again, I don't necessarily recommend) I would start by spending more time with him in situations that won't lead to sex (hiking, movie theater, whatever). Say to yourself, and maybe even to him, okay, I'm willing to take a break from sex (if you are indeed willing). While I understand that sex is a completely normal expectation (and, like others, I would probably leave in this situation) you could try reframing things in your mind. Sex isn't a necessity, like food; people are celibate all the time. If you're subtly or not-so-subtly asking for it, and it's a big issue for him, it may be making things worse. You could give it another month, say you really want to get close to him in a non physically intimate way, and then bring up another conversation. Pour your sexual frustration into exercise, so you'll be smoking hot when you do have sex again, whether it's with him or someone else.
That's just one idea. Overall, I would gently suggest that you reconsider your desire to stay with someone who sounds like they aren't in a healthy frame of mind.
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:36 AM on October 3, 2014
When you were dating other people, were you sleeping with them? Did he know that? (If you weren't, was that because you really just wanted to be with him?) If he really wants to have sex in a monogamous, committed relationship, then yes, it's possible a little time might help.
The fact that he's willing to go down on you, but not vice versa, makes me think that control is important to him. I've never known someone who was sexually abused, but I can only imagine that the idea of sex would cause a lot of anxiety. It makes me think of a past relationship where I didn't want to *literally* sleep with someone initially. We had sex, but I was struggling with insomnia and didn't want to spend the night. What made things worse: feeling clear pressure from him to stay at his apartment, even when he didn't say it, and his disappointment. When I was later with someone who clearly accepted me as I was and who made me feel safely loved, I was able to make the transition into staying at his place. There was no pressure.
If you want to give this relationship more time (which, again, I don't necessarily recommend) I would start by spending more time with him in situations that won't lead to sex (hiking, movie theater, whatever). Say to yourself, and maybe even to him, okay, I'm willing to take a break from sex (if you are indeed willing). While I understand that sex is a completely normal expectation (and, like others, I would probably leave in this situation) you could try reframing things in your mind. Sex isn't a necessity, like food; people are celibate all the time. If you're subtly or not-so-subtly asking for it, and it's a big issue for him, it may be making things worse. You could give it another month, say you really want to get close to him in a non physically intimate way, and then bring up another conversation. Pour your sexual frustration into exercise, so you'll be smoking hot when you do have sex again, whether it's with him or someone else.
That's just one idea. Overall, I would gently suggest that you reconsider your desire to stay with someone who sounds like they aren't in a healthy frame of mind.
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:36 AM on October 3, 2014
If you decide to stay with him, insisting that you discuss ways to meet your physical intimacy needs is necessary. Talk about ways you can both enjoy sex without intercourse more pleasurably and frequently, the things he can do and say to make you feel less insecure, and whether he expects to be interested in the kind of sex you're interested in in the future.
If you can't have that conversation productively I think you'll need to be done. I'm sorry.
posted by metasarah at 8:41 AM on October 3, 2014
If you can't have that conversation productively I think you'll need to be done. I'm sorry.
posted by metasarah at 8:41 AM on October 3, 2014
I think that the time you've been exclusive is a red herring. If he was feeling it, and really wanted you, he could have asked for an exclusive relationship long ago. So no, waiting some more doesn't sound like a productive exercise.
Longing for someone who pays you some attention is delicious. You get to ache, and feel misty when listening to love songs and write poems and romantic letters. It's just one notch above 'crush' in the grand scheme of things. But just like a crush, it's not real.
So you're longing for him, and you see him often enough to be reinforced, but not often enough to see that he's actually wanting a relationship from you.
A relationship means that instead of the lovely limerace portion of courting, you're having real conversations and doing real stuff, and seeing if you're sexually compatible. You're not doing that.
Your relationship's growth is being stunted.
You don't want to leave because you love the crazy feeling, not because he's so great.
Where the rubber meets the road here is that you have a need and he's unwilling to meet it. For whatever reason.
It's been a year and a half and in all that time he's not told you that he loves you, or even indicated that he's likely to.
He may be damaged and have issues, and that's sad, but do you want to spend this part of your life nursing him through it? What if it never changes? He doesn't seem very concerned about it, or about your feelings, if I'm honest.
There is nothing you can do at this point to make the man love you or have sex with you. Nothing.
If you're willing to settle, decide that you're never having sex again, because if you stay with him, that's what it is.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:57 AM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
Longing for someone who pays you some attention is delicious. You get to ache, and feel misty when listening to love songs and write poems and romantic letters. It's just one notch above 'crush' in the grand scheme of things. But just like a crush, it's not real.
So you're longing for him, and you see him often enough to be reinforced, but not often enough to see that he's actually wanting a relationship from you.
A relationship means that instead of the lovely limerace portion of courting, you're having real conversations and doing real stuff, and seeing if you're sexually compatible. You're not doing that.
Your relationship's growth is being stunted.
You don't want to leave because you love the crazy feeling, not because he's so great.
Where the rubber meets the road here is that you have a need and he's unwilling to meet it. For whatever reason.
It's been a year and a half and in all that time he's not told you that he loves you, or even indicated that he's likely to.
He may be damaged and have issues, and that's sad, but do you want to spend this part of your life nursing him through it? What if it never changes? He doesn't seem very concerned about it, or about your feelings, if I'm honest.
There is nothing you can do at this point to make the man love you or have sex with you. Nothing.
If you're willing to settle, decide that you're never having sex again, because if you stay with him, that's what it is.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:57 AM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
he said he wants to sleep with me too but isn't very sexual.
Rule 1: when people you're intimate with tell you things about themselves, then unless you have a really really good reason for not believing them, believe them.
Wishing that things were other than as they are is not a really really good reason.
posted by flabdablet at 9:47 AM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
Rule 1: when people you're intimate with tell you things about themselves, then unless you have a really really good reason for not believing them, believe them.
Wishing that things were other than as they are is not a really really good reason.
posted by flabdablet at 9:47 AM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
Okay, let me tell you a story.
The guy I am dating now made out with me on our first date. I was super into it. Then he stopped and said, "listen, I want this to be a serious thing. Do you want this to be a serious thing?" I said yes. So he said it would be better to wait a while to have sex. I agreed.
On our second date, we made out again. I would have had sex with him, but he turned me down. I was a little upset about it. But I came back for date #3.
Date #3:, he says he's going out of town for the weekend and maybe we should have sex when he gets back. I said okay. Then we made out again, and I wanted to do it, and he laughed and gave in.
We dates for four months before he told me he loved me. We are crazy about each other and have insane chemistry and we have sex probably every time we see each other, sometimes twice, with rare exceptions.
He makes me laugh all the time and although we have (rare) fights and disagreements, we always work through them.
That is what you can have. That is what you are not letting yourself find by getting hung up on this dude.
My first boyfriend never wanted to have much sex with me. I thought it was me, that something was wrong with me. I met up with him a few months ago. His second girlfriend broke up with him because of too little sex. It was him all along.
Looking back I wish I had known sooner how good it can be and that it really wasn't my fault.
Just move on. Pity him, and move on.
posted by quincunx at 10:46 AM on October 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
The guy I am dating now made out with me on our first date. I was super into it. Then he stopped and said, "listen, I want this to be a serious thing. Do you want this to be a serious thing?" I said yes. So he said it would be better to wait a while to have sex. I agreed.
On our second date, we made out again. I would have had sex with him, but he turned me down. I was a little upset about it. But I came back for date #3.
Date #3:, he says he's going out of town for the weekend and maybe we should have sex when he gets back. I said okay. Then we made out again, and I wanted to do it, and he laughed and gave in.
We dates for four months before he told me he loved me. We are crazy about each other and have insane chemistry and we have sex probably every time we see each other, sometimes twice, with rare exceptions.
He makes me laugh all the time and although we have (rare) fights and disagreements, we always work through them.
That is what you can have. That is what you are not letting yourself find by getting hung up on this dude.
My first boyfriend never wanted to have much sex with me. I thought it was me, that something was wrong with me. I met up with him a few months ago. His second girlfriend broke up with him because of too little sex. It was him all along.
Looking back I wish I had known sooner how good it can be and that it really wasn't my fault.
Just move on. Pity him, and move on.
posted by quincunx at 10:46 AM on October 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
From an anonymous commenter:
Just for some perspective, I am a lesbian in a live-in relationship of about nine months, and we haven't had sex yet. The big difference, and the thing that makes it fine for me, is we've talked about it in depth, my partner is working on her various issues, and this was something she brought up before we ever started dating, so it was a decision I could make with full information.posted by restless_nomad at 1:41 PM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
The biggest advantage of talking it out, although it was a series of really hard, triggered conversations interspersed with therapy visits for her, is that she knows that I'm on her side and not unhappy with the situation, and that gives her the room to take the tiny baby steps that are what she's comfortable with without fearing that she's going to cross a line and turn me into her emotionally abusive ex who would get sullen and angry when she wouldn't put out. (Now there's a guy I'd cheerfully kick in the nuts.) It's genuinely hard for her - she's processing a lot of past issues - and the only way we can move forward is if we do it as a team. (And also, tiny baby steps get you a long way if you take enough of them.)
Now, I'm fine with it because eh, sex, whatever, it'd be fun but the rest of our relationship is infinitely more valuable. That may not be the case with you. But you're never going to figure out if this is something you can get past if you're not both willing to talk it out and figure out what steps he can take to get where you need him. There may not be - and, well, then you'd know.
I had this happen to me once. I never did figure it out, though, like you, I came up with all sorts of theories. In retrospect, I wonder if some part of my sustained interest in him was simply because I wanted to "win" the prize of actually getting to have sex with him. Are you sure you are really so into this guy himself, and that it hasn't become a quest to prove you are worthy?
You say you would accept him no matter what, but you also describe yourself as "attractive and not overweight". As an overweight person, that really stung me. It sounds like you are saying that it would be ok and understandable if he didn't want to have sex with you if you were overweight! This makes me wonder if in fact you are judgmental about looks and would judge him negatively if he has some physical flaw he is afraid for you to see.
The fact that he has gone down on you but hasn't allowed you to reciprocate makes me think it is something he feels is wrong with himself, not with sex per se. If not a perceived physical imperfection, then perhaps an STD he is having trouble telling you about?
posted by mysterious_stranger at 8:18 PM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
You say you would accept him no matter what, but you also describe yourself as "attractive and not overweight". As an overweight person, that really stung me. It sounds like you are saying that it would be ok and understandable if he didn't want to have sex with you if you were overweight! This makes me wonder if in fact you are judgmental about looks and would judge him negatively if he has some physical flaw he is afraid for you to see.
The fact that he has gone down on you but hasn't allowed you to reciprocate makes me think it is something he feels is wrong with himself, not with sex per se. If not a perceived physical imperfection, then perhaps an STD he is having trouble telling you about?
posted by mysterious_stranger at 8:18 PM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
In response to the anonymous commenter, speaking as a lesbian, I would not expect a lesbian couple's experience with not having sex to be the same as OP's experience with a man. This guy should want to have sex with you and it's a big red flag that he hasn't, IMO. I still say you need to end it.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:18 PM on October 4, 2014
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:18 PM on October 4, 2014
Want sex? Date someone else who will have sex with you.
Want intimacy? Date someone else who will be intimate with you.
Want neither? Keep on doing what you're doing.
posted by oceanjesse at 8:03 AM on October 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Want intimacy? Date someone else who will be intimate with you.
Want neither? Keep on doing what you're doing.
posted by oceanjesse at 8:03 AM on October 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Have you ever seen his doodle? Maybe it's particularly small or deformed in some way and he is ashamed of it. Regardless, stop wasting your time. Love without sex is like being given the world's best pizza but your mouth is all stitched up with wire.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:51 PM on October 6, 2014
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:51 PM on October 6, 2014
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A year is way too long without giving a legitimate reason.
posted by greta simone at 9:16 PM on October 2, 2014 [18 favorites]