Keep on trying with polyamory?

September 19, 2014 3:47 PM

I'm in a relationship with one person at the moment who I really like and care about. But I'm someone who really craves closeness (insecure attachment style) while he needs a lot more space and independence. I am very lonely a lot of the time. While if I imagine my ideal life it would be with him and other partners or close non-sexual friendships this hasn't happened. I'm not sure whether to keep on trying?

I live in London and there seems to be no shortage of queer poly people. But no one seems particularly interested in me and I find it very hard to make friends anyway. Like, I'd originally hoped to connect with people via okcupid or at events but that just hasn't happened, and its starting to feel like they're an elite that I'm just not cool enough to join. The brutal truth is the only people who ever show any interest in me are men who want to have sex with me.

I have this strong feeling that I need to be realistic and that my best bet is to find a relationship with a monogamous man and give up my foolish idealistic notions, especially as I'm getting older and my options are dwindling. I don't particularly want to put most of my energy into a monogamous heterosexual relationship (mostly because to be honest I rarely feel like heterosexual relationships are actually equal, and i especially doubt they would be for me), but that's all that feels like it's open to me, if I want to have a sustainable source of care and support. I feel like I can't survive being so lonely for much longer. Most writing about polyamory seems to assume people have options that I just don't feel I have. Does anyone who has been in a situation like this have any advice?

posted by ninjablob to Human Relations (11 answers total)

I'm not quite sure I understand whether you want to date a lot of people (men and/or women) date one person and sleep with a lot of other people (men and/or women), or just have a lot of friends.

Sounds like at any rate you need to get out there and find a group of people you share interests with and enjoy spending time with. Do you have any hobbies or interests that have groups you could join? That's a GREAT way to meet people you have things in common with to talk about, which is a pretty good way to start relationships of all kinds.

Have you ever considered going to a therapist to help you work on finding the best ways to get your needs met?
posted by erst at 4:15 PM on September 19, 2014

I think there's a couple separate issues here.

I'm someone who really craves closeness (insecure attachment style) ...I feel like I can't survive being so lonely for much longer...

It sounds to me like you are looking a relationship to solve an insecurity/loneliness/anxiety issue you have in your life - and no relationship or number of relationships is going to be able to do that. The sort of contentment that leads to secure, healthy relationships is something that comes from within, and ideally each member of the relationships brings that to the table. I guess my suggestion would be to sort of examine yourself in this light first.

Because the thing about poly relationships that work is that it isn't usually a situation where a person has multiple relationships because one of them isn't providing all of what the person needs in a relationship (despite what Dan Savage says). Among the poly folks I know, the ones who seem successful and happy and in genuinely group relationships seem have a situation where they are sort of fulfilled completely by all members as individual first, and so the group is like 200 or 300% of a relationship, if that makes any sense. It usually doesn't work when you try to add up relationships to make one good one, you know? That's when people's insecurities and all of that really start to come out and make things tough, because that approach doesn't celebrate an abundance of love; it sort of just highlights people's weaknesses. Monogamy works because people have to accept the other person wholly; poly relationships that work are built on this same principle.

The point being: if you feel lonely in your monogamous relationship, the issue might be with yourself or with your partner, and I'm going to just go ahead and say that it probably won't be fixed by adding in more people.

That caveat said, if you do feel you want to go the poly route, there is definitely a degree of 'poly club' in places that have strong poly communities. I think the reasons for this are a combination of: the general insular nature any minority community takes in order to fight for its rights and survival, a bit of that smugness that is common among very liberal groups of folks who feel they are perhaps enlightened in ways others aren't, and a result of the nature of being poly (i.e. it's not a huge community, the poly dating pool is generally small, and there can be a degree of - mmm, group incest, for lack of a better term). Poly communities are also not immune to douchebags, and you will find men sort of masquerading as poly when in reality they are more or less (not always consciously) preying on poly women because they made a false equivalence of poly-ness and easy-ness in their minds.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is any better way of navigating that territory than there is navigating any dating situation. Finding love and attraction is just really hard, and you'll meet all sorts of people who aren't into you or suck or whatever along the way until you find a good fit. Just because a person is poly doesn't necessarily mean they love easier or will definitely be attracted to you or want to sleep with you just because you are a person. It doesn't mean you aren't attractive or deserve to be lonely. It just means that some particular person doesn't want to date/sleep/love you. Dating - mono or poly - is a numbers game, and is inherently filled with a great deal of rejection. Dating is not for the faint of heart.

So all of that said, yeah, therapy is for everyone. If you really feel like you are a polyamorous person, you've just got to keep at.
posted by Lutoslawski at 4:22 PM on September 19, 2014 [16 favorites]

Let me have you think long and hard about something.

If your current partner were to suddenly start being just as close and intimate and affectionate as you needed him to be, would you STILL be wanting to also date other people?

If that would make you think "actually, if he were like that I'd want to be monogamous", then....I suspect that's what you really want, is to have a closer relationship than the one you have now, but with only one person.

You not being satisfied with the level of intimacy he can give you may not be a sign that you're poly - it may simply be a sign that he's not exactly the right one for you.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:31 PM on September 19, 2014 [17 favorites]

"I am very lonely a lot of the time." I find this line to be so sad. I recognize that you're getting a lot of other positives from your current relationship so, if maintaining it is your first priority, I respect and support that. However, I think a starting point would be seeking out a primary relationship where you feel more connected and content with your partner. As Lutoslawki mentions, perhaps it's an internal issue that needs addressing first... BUT it could also simply (or partially) be a less-than-ideal match, as EmpressCallipygos points out. I mention that as a stand alone rather than "do this instead of polyamory" because that's something totally legit to explore if you are interested, regardless of who you're with (as long as they're on board.)

I hope some London MeFites can suggest some specific local meet-up groups for you to get to know as I think that's the best way to proceed after you've read up online. I assume your current partner is OK with your pursuing polyamory or at least exploring it as a possibility, so how about making a profile on OK Cupid where you mention that you are simply looking to learn more and make friends in the lifestyle? There are definitely cliquish groups that can be hard to penetrate (please excuse the pun ;-) but there are definitely tons of other poly folk who would love to help show a newbie the ropes (whoops, another pun there, too....)
posted by smorgasbord at 4:33 PM on September 19, 2014

If you need a lot more from a relationship than this guy wants to give, you need to find a new primary guy who will give you more attention and maybe this guy is more suited to be a secondary-ish relationship.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:03 PM on September 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

On what you've said here I think there are several different issues;

As someone else who also has an insecure attachment style, romantic relationships can be a bit of a minefield; and tend to involve a lot of double think and doubt. I know from my own experience that because of the ambiguity of my feelings they tended towards a lot of introspection, struggle and personal drama.

Another complicating factor for me was pretty minimal self esteem, which made my romantic life even harder, on the one hand wasting time with people who could do nothing for me, and on the other chasing after unavailable or unattainable people.

Finding support in the community was tricky too; as a gay man its normal to live in a culture that prizes independence, sexual conquest, and appearance which I found alienating, atomizing and often antithetical to real connection.

With settling down considered "giving up" in many circles and a culture without a developed / shared notion of "good" relationships or the skills to identify / be a good partner, the boundaries of relationships can get really confusing.

The irony for me was while I was privately criticizing the politics of the scene, on the outside I was not only upholding their patriarchal and exclusive values but inflicting them on others and realized really how unhealthy and abusive that was.

The turning point for me was when I found myself taking a selfish pleasure in being an utter git to people, and realised how monstrous I'd become.

I'm not sure this is advice as much as empathetic reflection, but I think you might be in the same place of "seeing through" the bulshit and thinking of another direction?

As far as moving on from here I was lucky in that I came across my current partner by total surprise, and while I was hesitant to begin with, finding someone I really connected to just blew my doubts out of the water.

The transition from straight-talking leather daddy to Surburban father of two is pretty dramatic, but I couldn't be happier.
posted by Middlemarch at 11:16 PM on September 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

I was always interested in the theory of polygamy and felt it was closer to our natural state of curiosity and non ownership etc. I never particularly lived like it and as a 30 something now (anxiously attached) I really can't see how it ever go well for someone with this attachment style and I for one won't be going anywhere near it, though I can still apprecaite the concepts and philosophy. That said I have had the darker side relayed to me to - predatory 'imposters' and hurt feelings etc

Perhaps you need friendship first? London isn't an easy place to find this especially if you don't have roots there... and to build a better relationship with yourself. Have you thought about checking out a buddhist centre? They can be quite gentle and interesting places if you find a good one.
posted by tanktop at 1:37 AM on September 20, 2014

Do you know if your needs are best met by a romantic relationship or if close friendships would work as well? One of the things that attracts me to polyamory is the intimacy that often comes of sexual relationships; it's a sort of shortcut to get to the depth of relationship I want in my friendships. If intimate friendships will meet your needs however, there are other ways to get them (though they do take time, effort, and feelings of rejection). Get into groups that aren't poly-focused and snotty; try out other hobbies, check out churches, activist groups, volunteer opportunities, etc.

I have had good luck dating people via okcupid who do not identify as poly. They know going in that I'm not going to be monogamous with them and are open to that, but don't have experience with it. Expanding your possibilities to men and women in this category will dramatically increase your options.

If, after spending another six months or so expanding your efforts to find people who give you what you need, you still find that your current relationship is keeping you from doing so, moving on is probably a good idea. This doesn't have to mean becoming monogamous; you may find being single to open up space and options for a more compatible nonmonogamous partner.

You might want to consider googling "solo polyamory" for some thoughts on being poly without a primary relationship. It may not be for you, but it may give you some different ideas for thinking about your current situation and what you want.
posted by metasarah at 6:50 AM on September 20, 2014 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: The thing is, it being a numbers game is my worry really. I genuinely think I would be happy if I had a primary relationship alongside this one, or more close friends. But there are obviously far more monogamous single people looking for a relationship than there are poly people looking for a primary relationship? And especially, I'm worried that polyamory would be really attractive to people with avoidant attachment styles.

I was optimistic with okc for a while, because it seemed like there were lots of interesting poly people on there... but none of them replied to my messages, and that was so consistent I've pretty much given up now.

I feel, especially given how couple centric society is, for shy, socially awkward, introverted people like me, a monogamous relationship is the best chance at having connection with other people. But it seems a shame to break up a relationship on the chance that I'll find another one. I think I'll go with metasarah's advice and give it another six months.
posted by ninjablob at 4:39 AM on September 21, 2014

In my area, I run into few poly people with avoidant attachment styles. Indeed, many of us offer and desire more than we can reasonably give to our relationships; it can be a challenge to draw boundaries in order to keep our other commitments. But I am in a smaller city where it's not "cool" to be poly, people have kids and families, etc. Maybe you would have more luck expanding your search to demographics/ geographical areas you may not have considered in the past; looking at older and more settled people, people with kids, etc. It sounds to me like part of the problem may be that you're focused on hipsters/ cool kids/ young people. I see the poly community as a hippie love fest and that's clearly not your experience.

I'll recommend again checking out people who don't currently identify as poly. If you are a woman, men in particular are often open to that, and you can do this while you're still with your current partner.
posted by metasarah at 6:38 AM on September 21, 2014

Ninjablob, would you like an outsider's feedback on your OKC profile, just for the heck of it? You could post it here if you feel comfortable or MeMail me if you'd prefer more privacy.

It sounds like you're in a real slump in terms of not being able to connect with others as much as you like: you're certainly not alone, even if it feels so isolating, but there are definitely makes to make more connections. Taking a OKC break sounds wise and getting some outside feedback by close friends and family (and perhaps professionals? :-) on how you're coming across as well as suggestions for finding more friends. I think there are always many people looking for new friends but I know from experience that it can be hard finding where to start!! I think there's a lot of hope and potential for more, stronger relationships for you in your near future but recognize getting started can be rough and take a few tries. Good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 6:52 PM on September 22, 2014