Puzzling relationship pattern
October 3, 2012 6:04 AM Subscribe
General relationship pattern question about the end of limerance as well as some specifics, with some concerns about monogamy/nonmonogamy. Somewhat long.
posted by zeek321 to Human Relations (16 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
(I am a mostly heteronormative dude.)
I have this pattern where, around 6-8 months into a relationship, once or twice as late as 24 months, something clicks. I still see the person I'm with as an awesome human being, maybe I'm a little more aware of their flaws, but I still think they're awesome.
But, I want to spend much less time with them, and I think a lot about "what if," and I desire emotional and physical exploration, learning, growth, and novelty. At such a point I am typically highly ambivalent about staying together.
Ok, textbook END OF LIMERANCE/INFATUATION, right? But, what do I DO?
Am I polyamorous? I don't really experience jealousy, and I'm a good communicator and careful about boundaries. My experimental forays into polyamory felt pretty good. It's just that, most recently, I met a an amazing human being who wasn't currently comfortable with non-monogamy, and I wasn't seeing anyone a the time, so I explained my relationship history, and we agreed on boundaries and expectations that we were comfortable with. As always, at that stage, there was the possibility of a monogamous forever.
For about eight months, it was fine--I couldn't really imagine how I would want to be with anyone but her. Then, here I am, back to the same old pattern.
I am moved, to some degree, such that her happiness is my happiness. I care about her a lot. Breaking up would tear me up inside, at least temporarily, but I think I might then feel relieved. I do want to have my cake and eat it to, I guess. And I suspect, within certain parameters, she would want us to stay together, all things being equal. At the beginning of the relationship, she noted that she wasn't against open relationships in principle, she just didn't want one with me at the time. So there are conversations, possibly painful, that we could have.
In any case, I want to continue to explore emotionally and physically. It's not that I don't like her anymore--I feel nothing but steady warmth and regard. But it's like I need to keep growing and learning.
But perhaps more to the point--what does this predictable 6-8 month click mean for me? How do I manage it? Or what is it telling me?
Do you experience it? Do you not experience it? How do you manage this? How do you communicate (or not) this likelihood to potential partners? Are you monogamous or nonmonogamous?