June 28, 2010 9:22 PM Subscribe
Regarding polyamory and potentially breaking up a monogamous LTR. A question for a friend. Special snowflake details inside.
posted by NoraReed to human relations (15 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
A friend of mine has been with his fiancé for around two and a half years. (They've been engaged for about 3 months.) He has, over the course of this (and other) relationships, generally formed crushes on other women. In the past he's been content to just let these go; however, he has recently taken these as signs that he is not able to do monogamy; he believes that he might be a polyamorous person.
He read The Ethical Slut and found that, in general, the philosophies expressed in the book tend to mirror his own-- he's never been a jealous person and he's always had attractions toward other people.
He believes that he may be able to live monogamously, and would consider doing so for his fiancé, who he lives with and is planning to have kids with. He sees polyamory as something more akin to a life philosophy which he does not necessarily have to live by, even if he feels desire for it. She sees poly as more of an orientation and says she does not want to stay with him if he decides that he is, indeed, poly, even if he claims he can live monogamously.
He isn't sure what to do in this situation, partially because of the ultimatum that she's made and partially because he's invested a lot in this relationship and doesn't want to hurt her. He isn't even sure he wants to live monogamously, but considers it an option among many.
What should be do in this situation?