How can I stop being so miserable with my singlehood?
February 14, 2014 12:19 AM Subscribe
I’ll come right out and say it: I am absolutely miserable being single. I feel like I am missing out on a major aspect of life that everyone else is enjoying at my age.
I’m a 25 year old woman, and have seen it all; the lying, cheating, game-playing, the lame excuses of “I’m not ready for a relationship” (often, the guy who says this ends up in a relationship with someone else a month later). I’m sick of getting excited and investing my time and emotions with someone, only to get shot down sooner or later.
I’ve tried everything to improve myself: self-help books, yoga, dance, going out, indulging in other hobbies. They have helped, but only with my personality. I’m definitely a more well-rounded person than I was a few years ago, and I know how to enjoy my life when I’m not reminded of how much it sucks to be single. I am a part of a women’s social group and have made lots of friends that way. (New friends, all of my old ones got into relationships and forgot about me). It helps with the loneliness, but only slightly.
I’m EXHAUSTED. I’m exhausted of trying to keep my head up, telling myself that the right man is on its way. I’m legitimately ANGRY at people who tell me that “it comes along when you’re not looking and least expect it.” I’m a busy girl, yet I see no one coming along. I’m sick of sleeping alone, never cuddling with anyone, never having sex, never having a date on holidays. I’m sick of seeing all my friends move on. We live in a couples’ world. I’m sick and tired of not being invited to gatherings because its always all couples. I’m SICK of seeing people happy and together.
It’s just not fair. I’ve tried enough to stay positive, and I’ve had bad luck in love since high school, throughout college, throughout grad school. Yes, I sound bitter, but only because I have been patient way too long. I was diagnosed with severe depression for the first time in my life a few days ago. I know why I’m depressed, it’s because I’m lonely and miserable. I don’t have the life I want because I can’t find the relationship I want. I deserve it: I’m smart, educated, attractive, and take care of myself. I would never lie or cheat.
My question is: how can I feel better? I feel like I have tried it all and am at the end of my rope here. Therapy, psychics, exercise, meditation, etc. I’m just so tired of it all, because nothing is working. How can I stop being so unhappy?
I’m a 25 year old woman, and have seen it all; the lying, cheating, game-playing, the lame excuses of “I’m not ready for a relationship” (often, the guy who says this ends up in a relationship with someone else a month later). I’m sick of getting excited and investing my time and emotions with someone, only to get shot down sooner or later.
I’ve tried everything to improve myself: self-help books, yoga, dance, going out, indulging in other hobbies. They have helped, but only with my personality. I’m definitely a more well-rounded person than I was a few years ago, and I know how to enjoy my life when I’m not reminded of how much it sucks to be single. I am a part of a women’s social group and have made lots of friends that way. (New friends, all of my old ones got into relationships and forgot about me). It helps with the loneliness, but only slightly.
I’m EXHAUSTED. I’m exhausted of trying to keep my head up, telling myself that the right man is on its way. I’m legitimately ANGRY at people who tell me that “it comes along when you’re not looking and least expect it.” I’m a busy girl, yet I see no one coming along. I’m sick of sleeping alone, never cuddling with anyone, never having sex, never having a date on holidays. I’m sick of seeing all my friends move on. We live in a couples’ world. I’m sick and tired of not being invited to gatherings because its always all couples. I’m SICK of seeing people happy and together.
It’s just not fair. I’ve tried enough to stay positive, and I’ve had bad luck in love since high school, throughout college, throughout grad school. Yes, I sound bitter, but only because I have been patient way too long. I was diagnosed with severe depression for the first time in my life a few days ago. I know why I’m depressed, it’s because I’m lonely and miserable. I don’t have the life I want because I can’t find the relationship I want. I deserve it: I’m smart, educated, attractive, and take care of myself. I would never lie or cheat.
My question is: how can I feel better? I feel like I have tried it all and am at the end of my rope here. Therapy, psychics, exercise, meditation, etc. I’m just so tired of it all, because nothing is working. How can I stop being so unhappy?
1. You're 25, relax.
2. What have you done to find relationships? Hint: hanging out in women's groups won't find you a man. Being patient also won't find you a relationship.
3. Set some concrete goals for yourself on the man front...join online dating services if you haven't. Go to singles meetups. Pursue hobbies where there will be men involved (not solo hobbies.) There are literally men ALL OVER THE PLACE. Some of them are even nice.
4. OH THERAPY! At the very least please please please learn some CBT skills. If you don't want to pay for therapy at the very least buy this book.
5. You're not going to be happy until you get over some of that anger and bitterness. I speak from experience on this. Your friends didn't forget you - they fell in love. It's what people hope for and often do. It's the type of love you yourself are hoping to find. Be happy that your friends are happy. There are so many people to meet and spend time with - people are super interesting even the people you probably overlook 3,000 times a day. Spend some time asking people questions, real questions. People get used to the daily bullshit chitchat so when somebody asks them a non chitchat question they tend to perk right up. In order to have a different life from the one you have now you're going to have to approach people and situations differently - the common thread in your question/post is YOU.
6. Stop thinking in terms of what is fair, what you deserve, what you feel you are owed. The universe/life don't give a shit what is fair, what you deserve, or what you think you're owed.
7. Your thinking right now is clouded by the depression. You're 25 - the man thing shouldn't be the root cause of all your angst and I doubt that it really is.
8. The thing nobody mentions when you're growing up is that sometimes life just sucks for long periods of time. It's okay. Change will happen. Sometimes you need to kickstart the change yourself, though.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:55 AM on February 14, 2014 [14 favorites]
2. What have you done to find relationships? Hint: hanging out in women's groups won't find you a man. Being patient also won't find you a relationship.
3. Set some concrete goals for yourself on the man front...join online dating services if you haven't. Go to singles meetups. Pursue hobbies where there will be men involved (not solo hobbies.) There are literally men ALL OVER THE PLACE. Some of them are even nice.
4. OH THERAPY! At the very least please please please learn some CBT skills. If you don't want to pay for therapy at the very least buy this book.
5. You're not going to be happy until you get over some of that anger and bitterness. I speak from experience on this. Your friends didn't forget you - they fell in love. It's what people hope for and often do. It's the type of love you yourself are hoping to find. Be happy that your friends are happy. There are so many people to meet and spend time with - people are super interesting even the people you probably overlook 3,000 times a day. Spend some time asking people questions, real questions. People get used to the daily bullshit chitchat so when somebody asks them a non chitchat question they tend to perk right up. In order to have a different life from the one you have now you're going to have to approach people and situations differently - the common thread in your question/post is YOU.
6. Stop thinking in terms of what is fair, what you deserve, what you feel you are owed. The universe/life don't give a shit what is fair, what you deserve, or what you think you're owed.
7. Your thinking right now is clouded by the depression. You're 25 - the man thing shouldn't be the root cause of all your angst and I doubt that it really is.
8. The thing nobody mentions when you're growing up is that sometimes life just sucks for long periods of time. It's okay. Change will happen. Sometimes you need to kickstart the change yourself, though.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:55 AM on February 14, 2014 [14 favorites]
Forgive me in advance for maybe being a bit trite and cheeky.
Use OKCupid and settle. Don't tell me you don't want to try online dating. Don't tell me you won't get messages: believe me, as a 25 year old at all attractive and breathing woman, honey, you will. Don't tell me you "don't want to compromise" and " they're all completely wrong for me." Some of them may be. I'll grant you that much. But there absolutely WILL be one or two halfway decent guys who seem like reasonably good guys but just have bad style or seem a little desperate or maybe are short or whatever. Or maye hot but kinda dumb or otherwise "beneath you." Your task is to pick one, no excuses, no ifs ands or buts.
You'll probably kind of hate it, kind of tolerate it for about one to three months. If it's tolerable, you'll get a lot out of changing your Facebook status, taking couple pictures, going on dates and having sex. When it veers into unbearable or he gets needy, you'll gladly be ready to end it and you'll gain a new appreciation for being single. And you'll gain experience.
Do it.
Aside: As far as I can tell, what mainly separates single from coupled early 20s women is willingness to not be so serious.
posted by quincunx at 1:00 AM on February 14, 2014 [26 favorites]
Use OKCupid and settle. Don't tell me you don't want to try online dating. Don't tell me you won't get messages: believe me, as a 25 year old at all attractive and breathing woman, honey, you will. Don't tell me you "don't want to compromise" and " they're all completely wrong for me." Some of them may be. I'll grant you that much. But there absolutely WILL be one or two halfway decent guys who seem like reasonably good guys but just have bad style or seem a little desperate or maybe are short or whatever. Or maye hot but kinda dumb or otherwise "beneath you." Your task is to pick one, no excuses, no ifs ands or buts.
You'll probably kind of hate it, kind of tolerate it for about one to three months. If it's tolerable, you'll get a lot out of changing your Facebook status, taking couple pictures, going on dates and having sex. When it veers into unbearable or he gets needy, you'll gladly be ready to end it and you'll gain a new appreciation for being single. And you'll gain experience.
Do it.
Aside: As far as I can tell, what mainly separates single from coupled early 20s women is willingness to not be so serious.
posted by quincunx at 1:00 AM on February 14, 2014 [26 favorites]
I am a 26-year-old woman who has never had a serious relationship. (Sort of serious relationship in college, lasted less than a year). Lots of shitty dating experiences, flaky guys, and so on. This bums me out when I am the thick of it (breaking up with someone or realizing that the guy I have a crush on is a super douche), but:
I have awesome friends, an awesome dog, and since I quit my soul-sucking job and started pursuing my artistic goals seriously, I am pretty happy most of the time. At the moment, I am pretty sad out about a crush almost certainly not working out, but I am almost as sad that I didn't get a callback after I had a great audition earlier this week.
What's the point of all this? What I am trying to tell you, in a very awkward, poorly written way, is that you are not so unique and your plight isn't terrible. I am a conventionally pretty, well-educated, fun person who hasn't had much luck in love, and I don't think my life sucks.
We live in a couples’ world.
You need to expand your world. I used to hang out with a group of people who all paired off and got very . . . couple-y and boring, frankly. For the most part, I don't hang out with them anymore. Any group of people who has couples only parties is not a group of people I want to know.
I was diagnosed with severe depression for the first time in my life a few days ago. I know why I’m depressed, it’s because I’m lonely and miserable.
Does not compute. Sorry. Severe depression is not a logical consequence of singlehood.
This isn't to say that I don't get lonely, or lovesick, or disappointed with unsatisfying encounters with dudes. I do. But I wouldn't say that I am miserable or severely depressed - I'm not. You are, and it's not because you're single.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 1:01 AM on February 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
I have awesome friends, an awesome dog, and since I quit my soul-sucking job and started pursuing my artistic goals seriously, I am pretty happy most of the time. At the moment, I am pretty sad out about a crush almost certainly not working out, but I am almost as sad that I didn't get a callback after I had a great audition earlier this week.
What's the point of all this? What I am trying to tell you, in a very awkward, poorly written way, is that you are not so unique and your plight isn't terrible. I am a conventionally pretty, well-educated, fun person who hasn't had much luck in love, and I don't think my life sucks.
We live in a couples’ world.
You need to expand your world. I used to hang out with a group of people who all paired off and got very . . . couple-y and boring, frankly. For the most part, I don't hang out with them anymore. Any group of people who has couples only parties is not a group of people I want to know.
I was diagnosed with severe depression for the first time in my life a few days ago. I know why I’m depressed, it’s because I’m lonely and miserable.
Does not compute. Sorry. Severe depression is not a logical consequence of singlehood.
This isn't to say that I don't get lonely, or lovesick, or disappointed with unsatisfying encounters with dudes. I do. But I wouldn't say that I am miserable or severely depressed - I'm not. You are, and it's not because you're single.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 1:01 AM on February 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I’m EXHAUSTED. I’m exhausted of trying to keep my head up, telling myself
That alone will be a difficult state to be in, in a dating context, as viewed from the other side (and I'm not even mentioning "angry" or "sick"). Think about the signals you're sending while not alert. Think from the perspective of the other, what they want out of life and dating.
I think it's paramount here to work out that depression first. Depressions are rarely what they claim to be, so "I know why I'm depressed" may be depression fooling you.
posted by Namlit at 1:05 AM on February 14, 2014 [5 favorites]
That alone will be a difficult state to be in, in a dating context, as viewed from the other side (and I'm not even mentioning "angry" or "sick"). Think about the signals you're sending while not alert. Think from the perspective of the other, what they want out of life and dating.
I think it's paramount here to work out that depression first. Depressions are rarely what they claim to be, so "I know why I'm depressed" may be depression fooling you.
posted by Namlit at 1:05 AM on February 14, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, man, I feel you. I've been there (kinda still am).
Your depression and loneliness is probably feeding into this negative feedback loop, so please do whatever your doc recommends to treat the depression. IANAD, but I'm fairly sure a relationship does not cure depression.
OK, I'm going to answer the question "how do I feel better?", not "how do I get a man?" because I'm completely unqualified to answer the latter.
1. Don't idealise being in a relationship. It's great that you want to be in one, and relationships can be great! But they are not all cuddles and sex. There's also the compromising on what you do/see/eat/listen to, extra loads of dirty laundry, someone snoring right next to you or kicking you in your sleep...
2. As much as you can, don't focus on this ONE missing piece of your life. You otherwise sound happy and fulfilled as a person. You have friends, you have hobbies. To keep focused on the positive, maybe start a gratitude journal.
3. Find a group of friends who are mostly singles (or non lovey-dovey couples). They might be older or younger than you. Then you'll have a bunch of friends who you can do all sorts of stuff with. You may or may not end up with one of them. As to how to find such a group - it'll might happen organically out of one of your hobby groups or other circles. If you need to, take the initiative and initiate the gathering.
posted by pianissimo at 1:07 AM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your depression and loneliness is probably feeding into this negative feedback loop, so please do whatever your doc recommends to treat the depression. IANAD, but I'm fairly sure a relationship does not cure depression.
OK, I'm going to answer the question "how do I feel better?", not "how do I get a man?" because I'm completely unqualified to answer the latter.
1. Don't idealise being in a relationship. It's great that you want to be in one, and relationships can be great! But they are not all cuddles and sex. There's also the compromising on what you do/see/eat/listen to, extra loads of dirty laundry, someone snoring right next to you or kicking you in your sleep...
2. As much as you can, don't focus on this ONE missing piece of your life. You otherwise sound happy and fulfilled as a person. You have friends, you have hobbies. To keep focused on the positive, maybe start a gratitude journal.
3. Find a group of friends who are mostly singles (or non lovey-dovey couples). They might be older or younger than you. Then you'll have a bunch of friends who you can do all sorts of stuff with. You may or may not end up with one of them. As to how to find such a group - it'll might happen organically out of one of your hobby groups or other circles. If you need to, take the initiative and initiate the gathering.
posted by pianissimo at 1:07 AM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Also, hon, it's Valentine's Day. Of course you're sick of love and coupledom being shoved in your face today and all of this week and weekend. It will soon pass: Monday will feel a lot more single-friendly, I promise.
posted by quincunx at 1:07 AM on February 14, 2014 [12 favorites]
posted by quincunx at 1:07 AM on February 14, 2014 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I know why I’m depressed, it’s because I’m lonely and miserable.
No, wrong way round. You're lonely and miserable because you're depressed.
I deserve it: I’m smart, educated, attractive, and take care of myself. I would never lie or cheat.
Me too. And I've been single (on and off; I've been in relationships of varying lengths, but never married) for 15 years longer than you. I've also had bouts of severe depression, and currently take 200mg of Pristiq daily to stay on an even keel.
What you deserve has nothing to do with it.
Seriously: you are twenty-five. I don't want this to sound patronizing, but you are still really young. You DO NOT need to panic about this. In fact, you must stop panicking, asap, or your depression is going to get worse.
Work on your depression first. You have plenty of time to sort out the singlehood thing, and it will be much, much easier once your depression is under control. Trust me.
posted by Salamander at 1:10 AM on February 14, 2014 [22 favorites]
No, wrong way round. You're lonely and miserable because you're depressed.
I deserve it: I’m smart, educated, attractive, and take care of myself. I would never lie or cheat.
Me too. And I've been single (on and off; I've been in relationships of varying lengths, but never married) for 15 years longer than you. I've also had bouts of severe depression, and currently take 200mg of Pristiq daily to stay on an even keel.
What you deserve has nothing to do with it.
Seriously: you are twenty-five. I don't want this to sound patronizing, but you are still really young. You DO NOT need to panic about this. In fact, you must stop panicking, asap, or your depression is going to get worse.
Work on your depression first. You have plenty of time to sort out the singlehood thing, and it will be much, much easier once your depression is under control. Trust me.
posted by Salamander at 1:10 AM on February 14, 2014 [22 favorites]
I don't think people get severe depression from being lonely. They get sad. They get bummed out. They feel down and blue and depressed with a little d, but clinically severely depressed? That doesn't seem highly likely. You probably have other things going on.
posted by Dansaman at 2:29 AM on February 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Dansaman at 2:29 AM on February 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Already some great answers. I just wanted to say... You're only 25 and all your friends are coupled-up? That seems unusual to me. I think it's excellent that you're getting involved with different groups of people and hobbies etc. I'm sure you'll find many other people of your age and older who are single. I'm 31, and only about half my friend-circle is coupled-up. I'm single, but it's never been an issue socially. Emotionally, sure, I'm human, there are times I wish I had a partner - but there are so many ways it can go wrong (just check the human relations tag on Ask Mefi) that just as often I find myself feeling quite relieved!
My only piece of advice about 'not being miserable in your singlehood' is sort of in line with what you're already doing. The advice is: say Yes to everything that comes along. Within reason obviously!! But just open yourself out to more and different experiences. I made this decision when I was about your age, and ironically, with the aim of meeting a nice partner - it didn't work in terms of finding a partner, but I opened myself up to many more interesting experiences - I travelled to lots of new places with people I didn't know very well, I went to a ton of gallery openings and cultural events, learned a new language, developed a number of new hobbies, and met so many interesting and fun people, my life has been incredibly enriched as a result. And I don't think I would have had such a fun and varied last 6 years if I had been in a relationship and tied down to a particular person or place.
Please don't panic if you're 25 and single - you're still REALLY young! And more pertinently, panic could lead you to making some bad decisions about potential partners. Just relax, smile, take it as it comes, and enjoy the perks of not being accountable to anyone else.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:55 AM on February 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
My only piece of advice about 'not being miserable in your singlehood' is sort of in line with what you're already doing. The advice is: say Yes to everything that comes along. Within reason obviously!! But just open yourself out to more and different experiences. I made this decision when I was about your age, and ironically, with the aim of meeting a nice partner - it didn't work in terms of finding a partner, but I opened myself up to many more interesting experiences - I travelled to lots of new places with people I didn't know very well, I went to a ton of gallery openings and cultural events, learned a new language, developed a number of new hobbies, and met so many interesting and fun people, my life has been incredibly enriched as a result. And I don't think I would have had such a fun and varied last 6 years if I had been in a relationship and tied down to a particular person or place.
Please don't panic if you're 25 and single - you're still REALLY young! And more pertinently, panic could lead you to making some bad decisions about potential partners. Just relax, smile, take it as it comes, and enjoy the perks of not being accountable to anyone else.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:55 AM on February 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Couple of things here...
I was diagnosed with severe depression for the first time in my life a few days ago. I know why I’m depressed, it’s because I’m lonely and miserable.
Being lonely doesn't make you clinically depressed. You need to address the depression outside of addressing your desire for a relationship.
I don’t have the life I want because I can’t find the relationship I want. I deserve it:
Relationships are not a door prize you get for being deserving. They are luck. You can up your chances of getting lucky and meeting someone you click with by being an awesome person, adopting hobbies and friends who will lead you to meet new people, and dating a lot, but it is still luck. The fact you've not been lucky yet isn't a personal failure, so avoid making things rougher for yourself by seeing it as one.
But what I mostly want to say is that hinging your happiness on the future arrival of some mysterious man is a huge mistake. Don't do it. I totally understand about wanting to be coupled and live with someone and build a life together, but you cannot pin your existence on that. Not because it won't happen, but because life is unpredictable. You can get together with a fabulous guy and two years later he could... sleep with your sister, or come out of the closet, or have a religious awakening, or die, or just break your heart by leaving. All relationships fail until one doesn't, and even then, one of you dies first and is left behind.
Which is all a long-winded way of saying that the best thing you can do for yourself right now is treat your depression so you can build a happy life for yourself, whether you share it with someone or not. It's okay to be lonely and I am not trying to diminish how hard that is, but it is critical not to wrap your identity and well-being up in your relationship status.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:12 AM on February 14, 2014 [29 favorites]
I was diagnosed with severe depression for the first time in my life a few days ago. I know why I’m depressed, it’s because I’m lonely and miserable.
Being lonely doesn't make you clinically depressed. You need to address the depression outside of addressing your desire for a relationship.
I don’t have the life I want because I can’t find the relationship I want. I deserve it:
Relationships are not a door prize you get for being deserving. They are luck. You can up your chances of getting lucky and meeting someone you click with by being an awesome person, adopting hobbies and friends who will lead you to meet new people, and dating a lot, but it is still luck. The fact you've not been lucky yet isn't a personal failure, so avoid making things rougher for yourself by seeing it as one.
But what I mostly want to say is that hinging your happiness on the future arrival of some mysterious man is a huge mistake. Don't do it. I totally understand about wanting to be coupled and live with someone and build a life together, but you cannot pin your existence on that. Not because it won't happen, but because life is unpredictable. You can get together with a fabulous guy and two years later he could... sleep with your sister, or come out of the closet, or have a religious awakening, or die, or just break your heart by leaving. All relationships fail until one doesn't, and even then, one of you dies first and is left behind.
Which is all a long-winded way of saying that the best thing you can do for yourself right now is treat your depression so you can build a happy life for yourself, whether you share it with someone or not. It's okay to be lonely and I am not trying to diminish how hard that is, but it is critical not to wrap your identity and well-being up in your relationship status.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:12 AM on February 14, 2014 [29 favorites]
You're not depressed because single. You're depressed because you have depression. And your depression is making it harder for you to find a romantic partner. It seems like an inescapable circle, but it isn't really, because you can get treated for depression which will accomplish two things:
1) You'll feel better about not dating anyone
and
2) It'll make it easier for you to find someone to date.
So work on your depression and the other problem will sort itself out.
posted by empath at 3:19 AM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
1) You'll feel better about not dating anyone
and
2) It'll make it easier for you to find someone to date.
So work on your depression and the other problem will sort itself out.
posted by empath at 3:19 AM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Honey, you are OKCupid's exact target demographic.
Go on there. Get barraged with messages. Because yeah, you will. Arrange a few dates. Bite the bullet and just go. Go on dates with minimum 5 different people. Don't even worry about how interested you are or whether you think you'd want a relationship. Just go out and physically do the task of going on dates.
You will have a pretty high signal to noise ratio, and a high failure ratio for the dates. For every 5 people you go out with, you will probably feel attracted to one person. Just keep throwing yourself at it. If you're doing this right, you will stop feeling so sentimental and hung up on one guy, one date, one chance. You will come to understand that there are plenty of fish in the sea and the point is to find someone you like. Someone you can be yourself with, and who makes you feel comfortable.
Another thing? Like attracts like. You need to be open and content and ready, if that makes sense. If you're not in a place in your life where you can be a fun date, it is going to be very hard to meet somebody.
Sometimes, when you're going through a depressive phase, it's easier to just sulk it out. And then when spring comes (literal spring or metaphorical spring), get the fuck out there and meet a bunch of people.
Oh, and speaking of winter: Basically everyone I know who lives east of the Mississippi is miserable and stir crazy and cabin-fevered out, right now. This winter has been really rough for everyone. I can tell that it's affecting the local mood, even from across the country in the one region where the weather hasn't been heinous. It really might be OK to admit to yourself that it's going to suck for a couple more months, but eventually the sun is going to come out and you're going to be OK.
I bet this spring is going to be EPIC, in terms of people getting out there looking for romance. If only for the chance to leave their houses and see a human being not bundled up like the Michelin Man.
posted by Sara C. at 3:26 AM on February 14, 2014 [10 favorites]
Go on there. Get barraged with messages. Because yeah, you will. Arrange a few dates. Bite the bullet and just go. Go on dates with minimum 5 different people. Don't even worry about how interested you are or whether you think you'd want a relationship. Just go out and physically do the task of going on dates.
You will have a pretty high signal to noise ratio, and a high failure ratio for the dates. For every 5 people you go out with, you will probably feel attracted to one person. Just keep throwing yourself at it. If you're doing this right, you will stop feeling so sentimental and hung up on one guy, one date, one chance. You will come to understand that there are plenty of fish in the sea and the point is to find someone you like. Someone you can be yourself with, and who makes you feel comfortable.
Another thing? Like attracts like. You need to be open and content and ready, if that makes sense. If you're not in a place in your life where you can be a fun date, it is going to be very hard to meet somebody.
Sometimes, when you're going through a depressive phase, it's easier to just sulk it out. And then when spring comes (literal spring or metaphorical spring), get the fuck out there and meet a bunch of people.
Oh, and speaking of winter: Basically everyone I know who lives east of the Mississippi is miserable and stir crazy and cabin-fevered out, right now. This winter has been really rough for everyone. I can tell that it's affecting the local mood, even from across the country in the one region where the weather hasn't been heinous. It really might be OK to admit to yourself that it's going to suck for a couple more months, but eventually the sun is going to come out and you're going to be OK.
I bet this spring is going to be EPIC, in terms of people getting out there looking for romance. If only for the chance to leave their houses and see a human being not bundled up like the Michelin Man.
posted by Sara C. at 3:26 AM on February 14, 2014 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Nthing a lot of the people who are saying "the depression is making you feel sad about being single, rather than the other way around." In fact, that's good news in a weird way - you've had this huge obstacle that you've been carrying around all this time, and you didn't even know it - but now you do and you can do something about it that will make everything feel better. Not perfect, but much more cope-able.
And - and I know I'm gonna sound like all grown-up on ya here - you know those friends who are all coupled up around you now? All my friends were also "all coupled up" when I was in my 20's. And then 20 years later....half of those couples split up. Some recoupled with different people, some didn't. Your life is long, and it is ahead of you, and so is all of theirs, and all sorts of things can happen. Some of those things may involve romance - but some may not, and some of those non-romantic things could also be more awesome than you can imagine right now.
But tackling the depression is an important first step, because that will help you recognize the awesome when it comes along. And it is fated for you, trust me.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:41 AM on February 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
And - and I know I'm gonna sound like all grown-up on ya here - you know those friends who are all coupled up around you now? All my friends were also "all coupled up" when I was in my 20's. And then 20 years later....half of those couples split up. Some recoupled with different people, some didn't. Your life is long, and it is ahead of you, and so is all of theirs, and all sorts of things can happen. Some of those things may involve romance - but some may not, and some of those non-romantic things could also be more awesome than you can imagine right now.
But tackling the depression is an important first step, because that will help you recognize the awesome when it comes along. And it is fated for you, trust me.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:41 AM on February 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
A lot of this is where you live. In the tiny town I grew up in, most people got married and started having babies shortly after high school (sometimes in high school). The adult social world was very much built around couples. My aunt - I was a kid at the time - did not get married until she was in her 30s, and she experienced a lot of distress over always being the 3rd wheel, or not invited at all.
I am past the age at which she did marry, and I have never experienced this type of discomfort. I moved to a big city in my 20s, where there are many people my age who are single, and many of my friends are smart, funny, talented single women also in their 30s or 40s.
I don't know if that's at all helpful to consider, but perhaps it is.
Work on addressing your depression. Try OKCupid. And try a co-ed soccer team instead of yoga.
posted by bunderful at 5:19 AM on February 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
I am past the age at which she did marry, and I have never experienced this type of discomfort. I moved to a big city in my 20s, where there are many people my age who are single, and many of my friends are smart, funny, talented single women also in their 30s or 40s.
I don't know if that's at all helpful to consider, but perhaps it is.
Work on addressing your depression. Try OKCupid. And try a co-ed soccer team instead of yoga.
posted by bunderful at 5:19 AM on February 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Girl, I feel you. I was you. At 25, I thought nobody would ever love me, I would die alone, etc. It sounds melodramatic writing it out like that, but I'm a scientist; I formed that hypothesis based on the available evidence, and nothing could convince me otherwise. (Believe me, my therapist tried.)
Anyway, I spent six months on OkCupid, and met my boyfriend, who is currently sitting on our sofa and telling me that we should have the cats give each other Valentine's Day presents.
So my answer is: more time, and try internet dating. A good try. A month is not long enough. You need enough time to sort the wheat from the chaff, and believe me, there's a lot of chaff. There will be creepy messages, and first dates that go nowhere, and first dates that you think might go somewhere but don't, but I think that eventually, if you stick with it long enough, you will find someone capable of giving you the love you deserve.
posted by baby beluga at 5:32 AM on February 14, 2014 [11 favorites]
Anyway, I spent six months on OkCupid, and met my boyfriend, who is currently sitting on our sofa and telling me that we should have the cats give each other Valentine's Day presents.
So my answer is: more time, and try internet dating. A good try. A month is not long enough. You need enough time to sort the wheat from the chaff, and believe me, there's a lot of chaff. There will be creepy messages, and first dates that go nowhere, and first dates that you think might go somewhere but don't, but I think that eventually, if you stick with it long enough, you will find someone capable of giving you the love you deserve.
posted by baby beluga at 5:32 AM on February 14, 2014 [11 favorites]
While I wholeheartedly agree with "depression is making you lonely," rather than the other way 'round, I do not so much buy in to "work on the depression first, and then the rest will fall into place." It's not dominoes. Working on depression is a lifelong undertaking. Yes, work on the depression, but don't put off living your life when you can.
And yeah, yoga won't help your odds.
posted by thinkpiece at 5:34 AM on February 14, 2014 [8 favorites]
And yeah, yoga won't help your odds.
posted by thinkpiece at 5:34 AM on February 14, 2014 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I'm just writing to say I feel your pain and like salamander, I have a LOT of years on you. Which is quite depressing for me actually, so believe me, I know where you are coming from. That's it. I don't want you to feel patronized with all the "oh honey's, you'll find someone when you stop being such a bummer' because frankly sometimes you live in the wrong place, or it's the wrong time, or who the hell knows. There is no solution really, you just have to keep keeping on and stay invested in your hobbies and friends and what not. The fact you are just 25 does make you a good target (age demographic!) for online dating though...that's a definite plus.
Having said that of course an anecdotal story is required and I just went to a friend's wedding who was going absolutely eye-spinningly insane about being single, and she eventually met someone in a public place, romantic comedy style. (After undergoing a concentrated personal transformation effort) But that was after many tormented lonely nights and many many bad blind dates. Hope I have my romantic comedy moment soon too, and you as well. (Unless the romantic comedies are part of the problem..haha).
I hope that's not rude about the 'oh honeys'- people gave you very good and sympathetic advice and it's my own bitterness showing through in response, so I apologize for that to everyone. And of course getting treated for depression is definitely a top priority.
posted by bquarters at 5:50 AM on February 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
Having said that of course an anecdotal story is required and I just went to a friend's wedding who was going absolutely eye-spinningly insane about being single, and she eventually met someone in a public place, romantic comedy style. (After undergoing a concentrated personal transformation effort) But that was after many tormented lonely nights and many many bad blind dates. Hope I have my romantic comedy moment soon too, and you as well. (Unless the romantic comedies are part of the problem..haha).
I hope that's not rude about the 'oh honeys'- people gave you very good and sympathetic advice and it's my own bitterness showing through in response, so I apologize for that to everyone. And of course getting treated for depression is definitely a top priority.
posted by bquarters at 5:50 AM on February 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
Definitely chiming in on the other advice to date anyone. I was going over my ex-boyfriends in my mind yesterday, wondering if I'd like to run into any of them again, and it was a Hall of Losers that paraded through my head. Really, what was I thinking? But dating them primed me for recognizing the right one when he did come along (when I was 30) and because he stood out so drastically from the rest, I happily married him four months after our first coffee (sixteen years ago). Having experience dating men all along the spectrum was really important for me to learn what I need, what I can't tolerate, and everything in between. And it was also really good for spotting red flags along the way, which seems like a dubious skill, but totally helps. I think of it like learning to ski bumps: it makes the smooth runs so much nicer and easier.
posted by Capri at 5:56 AM on February 14, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by Capri at 5:56 AM on February 14, 2014 [9 favorites]
I was single and either unhappy about it or at best ambivalent about it for basically all of my twenties (I'm 35 now). It was not great! On the up side I learned to be happily single; on the down side I could have met and dated and had relationships with some great people if I'd made more of an effort re: dating and social life in general.
So basically: you're going to be OK. If you want to pair up, you will eventually. Being in a romantic relationship will not make you happy in and of itself, and it is entirely possible to be happy and single. Get your depression treated, get out there and date people (and if OKCupid doesn't work for you that's no big deal either -- meet people at bars, through friends, join a softball team, sign up for Tinder, all that business).
posted by mskyle at 6:13 AM on February 14, 2014
So basically: you're going to be OK. If you want to pair up, you will eventually. Being in a romantic relationship will not make you happy in and of itself, and it is entirely possible to be happy and single. Get your depression treated, get out there and date people (and if OKCupid doesn't work for you that's no big deal either -- meet people at bars, through friends, join a softball team, sign up for Tinder, all that business).
posted by mskyle at 6:13 AM on February 14, 2014
Best answer: FWIW, I am pretty much on the opposite end of the spectrum - blissfully single and it would take a really terrific man to change my mind. I think we are all wired differently - some of us value and need romantic relationships more than others do. And that's fine! As long as your need doesn't lead to exploitation or abuse, if you are a relationship oriented person, then prioritize relationships.
Some concrete suggestions:
- Definitely get treated for your depression! That is your first priority. Once that is treated, you will feel so much better.
- Read Attached: The Science of Adult Attachment.. I found this book immensely helpful. Another book I found helpful was suggested here on MeFi: If The Buddha Dated.
- When you date, whether online or in person, cast your net as wide as you can. The more possibilities you have, the less desperate you will feel.
- bunderful brings up a good point: Do you live in a conservative small town or suburb? There are areas of the country where people couple up very early. If this describes where you live, then consider moving! Pack up and head for the big city (or at least a mid-sized one) or a college town where there are more potential relationships - AND more and better jobs - to be had. You are 25 and unattached; this is the perfect time in your life for a major move. (And don't just think in terms of your home country, either; at your age, you can live abroad if you like. If you have a college degree and good work skills, it might be worth your while to see if you can relocate overseas.)
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 6:33 AM on February 14, 2014 [5 favorites]
Some concrete suggestions:
- Definitely get treated for your depression! That is your first priority. Once that is treated, you will feel so much better.
- Read Attached: The Science of Adult Attachment.. I found this book immensely helpful. Another book I found helpful was suggested here on MeFi: If The Buddha Dated.
- When you date, whether online or in person, cast your net as wide as you can. The more possibilities you have, the less desperate you will feel.
- bunderful brings up a good point: Do you live in a conservative small town or suburb? There are areas of the country where people couple up very early. If this describes where you live, then consider moving! Pack up and head for the big city (or at least a mid-sized one) or a college town where there are more potential relationships - AND more and better jobs - to be had. You are 25 and unattached; this is the perfect time in your life for a major move. (And don't just think in terms of your home country, either; at your age, you can live abroad if you like. If you have a college degree and good work skills, it might be worth your while to see if you can relocate overseas.)
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 6:33 AM on February 14, 2014 [5 favorites]
Nthing OKcupid.... although it really does depend on where you are who you get. I was 24 and really frustrated and embarrassed about having essentially no dating experience (I think there's one of these questions in my posting history as well). My year or so on okcupid, while it brought me a lot of frustration and sometimes sadness, also made me tons more comfortable and confident in dating. I didn't get into any serious relationships but I did get into one right after I stopped using it (I was planning on moving in four months and so I had made a decision to not date and then someone fell into my lap. Just never know.)
posted by geegollygosh at 6:45 AM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by geegollygosh at 6:45 AM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm a 31 year old guy who dumped his long-time girlfriend of 5 years because she wasn't a partner in my life in any sense of the word. Before the break-up, I thought about a lot of the things you're thinking about now. I'm going to miss the love, the cuddling, the sex, that someone waiting for me at home... all of the great things about a relationship.
But here's the thing. She flat out, for lack of a better word, sucked at being my significant other. And it sounds like you've had similar experiences. The lying, the cheating, all of that crap. I get it. I've dated women who've had huge issues with this, to the point where they have these crazy ideas about never finding a man and believing love is dead... yet they are attempting to date me with the idea of a long-term relationship. Boggles my mind.
Let me impress upon you some thoughts and theories I have on this. These are my personal feelings, so run them through your filter before you think about them on a grander scale.
1. All of those people who got married under 25... yeah, a lot of them aren't right for each other. Many of them compromised on a bunch of red flags in order to get what you are saying you want now. I've watched numerous people divorce for that very reason, and it isn't worth rushing into something simply because you miss the feeling.
2. It sounds to me like you are, at least, willing to get out there and date. And you are complaining about all the reasons guys don't want to date you, or the crappy things they do to you once you are in a relationship. That's part of the dating game unfortunately. If some asshole says he isn't ready for a relationship, think to yourself -- Well, why the hell would I want to be with some guy who doesn't want to be with me? You wouldn't. Move on. Try someone else on for size.
3. Try online dating. Yes, you are 25, and you will get a BOATLOAD of inappropriate messages like "Hey, want to hookup tonight!" or "Wanna sext me?". But the really great thing about online dating is... once you look past that crap, there are legitimate guys out there who are on the site for the same reason you are on the site. And if you think about it, that means they have likely went through some of the same struggles you have.
4. Depression is an issue you need to address. Some of the people above suggested reading up on CBT. I agree with that. Read up on some coping strategies. But most of all -- get out there and be active. The women's group sounds fantastic, but it sounds like you might need more. Go out on your own and do things with yourself. Get confidence in being by yourself and experiencing things. It took me over a year to get into that frame of mind. It's empowering to just walk into a restaurant alone, sit down, eat dinner, have a few drinks, and chat up someone next to you. Go to the museum or theater and enjoy what you've got. Yeah, this is cliche and you're probably rolling your eyes, but do it.
5. You need time. Most 25 year old guys are still immature. I know I was. I was a complete moron going around trying to sleep with any woman that would have me without actually committing to them. Ya know why? Because there are so many fish in the sea, I wanted to find that perfect girl who marked off every single checkbox on my list. Guess what? That doesn't exist. Everyone wants someone who challenges them, but the 25 year old guy wants that with the caveat that she must have a C-cup and beg for sex constantly two times a day while also working out 4 hours a day to maintain her supermodel figure.
Stay away from those morons. Hell, date older and see if that suits you. Most 25 year olds never give me the time of day, but the ones that gave me a shot were surprised. It never worked out with them because I'm not about to go clubbing till 2 AM and then hold their hair while they puke their guts out. I'm ready for a real relationship, and the thing is... that comes from age and experience. But they were, nonetheless, impressed that I blew their expectations out of the water.
6. You'll be okay. I know it doesn't seem that way, but you have to proactively work to make yourself happy. The cliche that once you stop looking, everything will fall into place has never been untrue in my experience, but that mostly because I focused on me in those times. When you do that, you begin to build confidence. Confidence breeds more happiness, and guys like me want to see a beaming, beautiful face full of confidence.
posted by MMALR at 6:51 AM on February 14, 2014 [13 favorites]
But here's the thing. She flat out, for lack of a better word, sucked at being my significant other. And it sounds like you've had similar experiences. The lying, the cheating, all of that crap. I get it. I've dated women who've had huge issues with this, to the point where they have these crazy ideas about never finding a man and believing love is dead... yet they are attempting to date me with the idea of a long-term relationship. Boggles my mind.
Let me impress upon you some thoughts and theories I have on this. These are my personal feelings, so run them through your filter before you think about them on a grander scale.
1. All of those people who got married under 25... yeah, a lot of them aren't right for each other. Many of them compromised on a bunch of red flags in order to get what you are saying you want now. I've watched numerous people divorce for that very reason, and it isn't worth rushing into something simply because you miss the feeling.
2. It sounds to me like you are, at least, willing to get out there and date. And you are complaining about all the reasons guys don't want to date you, or the crappy things they do to you once you are in a relationship. That's part of the dating game unfortunately. If some asshole says he isn't ready for a relationship, think to yourself -- Well, why the hell would I want to be with some guy who doesn't want to be with me? You wouldn't. Move on. Try someone else on for size.
3. Try online dating. Yes, you are 25, and you will get a BOATLOAD of inappropriate messages like "Hey, want to hookup tonight!" or "Wanna sext me?". But the really great thing about online dating is... once you look past that crap, there are legitimate guys out there who are on the site for the same reason you are on the site. And if you think about it, that means they have likely went through some of the same struggles you have.
4. Depression is an issue you need to address. Some of the people above suggested reading up on CBT. I agree with that. Read up on some coping strategies. But most of all -- get out there and be active. The women's group sounds fantastic, but it sounds like you might need more. Go out on your own and do things with yourself. Get confidence in being by yourself and experiencing things. It took me over a year to get into that frame of mind. It's empowering to just walk into a restaurant alone, sit down, eat dinner, have a few drinks, and chat up someone next to you. Go to the museum or theater and enjoy what you've got. Yeah, this is cliche and you're probably rolling your eyes, but do it.
5. You need time. Most 25 year old guys are still immature. I know I was. I was a complete moron going around trying to sleep with any woman that would have me without actually committing to them. Ya know why? Because there are so many fish in the sea, I wanted to find that perfect girl who marked off every single checkbox on my list. Guess what? That doesn't exist. Everyone wants someone who challenges them, but the 25 year old guy wants that with the caveat that she must have a C-cup and beg for sex constantly two times a day while also working out 4 hours a day to maintain her supermodel figure.
Stay away from those morons. Hell, date older and see if that suits you. Most 25 year olds never give me the time of day, but the ones that gave me a shot were surprised. It never worked out with them because I'm not about to go clubbing till 2 AM and then hold their hair while they puke their guts out. I'm ready for a real relationship, and the thing is... that comes from age and experience. But they were, nonetheless, impressed that I blew their expectations out of the water.
6. You'll be okay. I know it doesn't seem that way, but you have to proactively work to make yourself happy. The cliche that once you stop looking, everything will fall into place has never been untrue in my experience, but that mostly because I focused on me in those times. When you do that, you begin to build confidence. Confidence breeds more happiness, and guys like me want to see a beaming, beautiful face full of confidence.
posted by MMALR at 6:51 AM on February 14, 2014 [13 favorites]
Maybe I should add: I said I was unhappily/ambivalently single in my 20s but for most of my 30s I've been *happily* single - I was living my life, and I was meeting people, and looking, but just not finding guys I wanted to be with, and that was fine. And right now I do have a boyfriend who I think is super-great, and I would be very sad if we broke up but I know I could be happy on my own again too.
posted by mskyle at 6:55 AM on February 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by mskyle at 6:55 AM on February 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: A lot of people are piling on with OKCupid recommendations, and I'm going to also post an inspirational "it can happen to you too" thing as well. But - let me first say that I do NOT mean mine as any kind of "see, you just have to stick with it" kind of thing, because actually, I was also being really despondent and cursing my luck myself, as recently as a year ago. But then I saw someone really cute on OKC in November and took a chance and wrote him, and mirable dictu he wrote back, and we kept writing and then we met in early January and we've had a few dates and long story short I'm now in that schmoopie giddy phase that is getting on my friends' nerves.
However. A large part of what helped me finally let that happen, I think, was because October and November was about when I was finally in a good headspace about my own life to begin with. While I would have happily tried dating before then (and believe me, I DID try), unconsciously I was also dealing with a lot of heavy bad luck stuff (you would not BELIEVE the shit that life has thrown at me over the course of the past 5 years - lemme put it this way, the last time I went through the list of "and then THIS happened, and then THAT happened", Hurricane Sandy was the thing that I FORGOT to mention).
When people advise you that "it'll happen when you stop looking," that's a clumsy way of trying to describe a different phenomenon, I think. What really happens is that you get comfortable in your own space - or at least comfortable enough. You don't magically stop wanting comfort and closeness and intimacy with people - we're social animals, we're all hard-wired to want at least some degree of interaction with other people. So yeah, sometimes a person comfortable in their own skin does get a little bummed about "I wish I wasn't single"; but the difference is, they find a way to cope with it or cheer themselves up and move on.
Which is exactly the thing you're looking for here, I realize. But the reason you don't have those coping skills isn't because they're things you haven't learned yet - the reason you don't have those coping skills is because right now you have depression, and that is taking up all the space in your head where you would ordinarily have those skills.
Tackling the depression will take care of a lot, I believe. And the rest will come with time.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:03 AM on February 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
However. A large part of what helped me finally let that happen, I think, was because October and November was about when I was finally in a good headspace about my own life to begin with. While I would have happily tried dating before then (and believe me, I DID try), unconsciously I was also dealing with a lot of heavy bad luck stuff (you would not BELIEVE the shit that life has thrown at me over the course of the past 5 years - lemme put it this way, the last time I went through the list of "and then THIS happened, and then THAT happened", Hurricane Sandy was the thing that I FORGOT to mention).
When people advise you that "it'll happen when you stop looking," that's a clumsy way of trying to describe a different phenomenon, I think. What really happens is that you get comfortable in your own space - or at least comfortable enough. You don't magically stop wanting comfort and closeness and intimacy with people - we're social animals, we're all hard-wired to want at least some degree of interaction with other people. So yeah, sometimes a person comfortable in their own skin does get a little bummed about "I wish I wasn't single"; but the difference is, they find a way to cope with it or cheer themselves up and move on.
Which is exactly the thing you're looking for here, I realize. But the reason you don't have those coping skills isn't because they're things you haven't learned yet - the reason you don't have those coping skills is because right now you have depression, and that is taking up all the space in your head where you would ordinarily have those skills.
Tackling the depression will take care of a lot, I believe. And the rest will come with time.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:03 AM on February 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
re: "How can I stop being so unhappy?"
maybe changing your metafilter user name would be a first step, since the "sadness" part of it is just re-enforcing what you don't want to be.
posted by Sophont at 7:06 AM on February 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
maybe changing your metafilter user name would be a first step, since the "sadness" part of it is just re-enforcing what you don't want to be.
posted by Sophont at 7:06 AM on February 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
Lots of good responses, but I wanted to add because I was also you five years ago. I started working with a therapist on my depression, and it has been life-changing. Therapy made it possible for me to actually be in the relationship I am in now. But the important thing to know is that even though I am completely happy & fulfilled in this relationship and have everything I could possibly want from it, I still struggle with depression. That part did not magically disappear when this relationship began. In fact, my depression has gotten in the way of my relationship, a lot, which is why working with a therapist at the same time has been so important. Even this week, as my partner and I celebrate our birthdays and planned for Valentine's Day, I've also had some pretty low moments.
Which is all to say: these are two separate (if mutually influential) issues. Please focus on them separately and, if I may suggest, on your depression first. I know it's hard, but there are people who can help.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 7:42 AM on February 14, 2014
Which is all to say: these are two separate (if mutually influential) issues. Please focus on them separately and, if I may suggest, on your depression first. I know it's hard, but there are people who can help.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 7:42 AM on February 14, 2014
Best answer: I've been there, too. When I was 25, I was both horribly depressed and absolutely convinced I would die alone. Neither is the case anymore, which probably doesn't give you much comfort because I am just some random stranger and not you. However, the point is that this status is temporary, you have all the time in the world for that sad angry voice in your head to be proven wrong, and bitterness can be undone, no matter how deep it feels.
Give then the choice between pursuing a relationship and treating your depression, work on the depression first. Finding a partner - even the most perfect partner in the world - will not fix your brain chemistry. You may still worry that you're unloveable at your core and that your partner will eventually discover the "real" you and leave. Treating your depression will let you relax and fully appreciate the love you receive.
The mid-twenties are surprisingly hard, too. At that age, it's completely normal to feel like you've fucked up or completely missed out on relationships, friendships, your career, everything. You see a bunch of people your age who seem to have it all nailed down, and you feel like you're the only one who's struggling, and it's hard not to feel like you've failed at adulthood. From your question, it sounds like you've done a lot for yourself physically, mentally, and socially, and I'd bet you're actually in a better place than a lot of people your age who are in relationships. You deserve a lot of credit, and even if you don't feel like it now, all of that is going to make you a great person (for yourself and for a future partner) in the long run.
P.S. Antidepressants saved my life. If you've tried therapy, exercise, etc., but haven't yet looked into medication, I strongly suggest it. Meds aren't a magic bullet, but when they work, the difference can be amazing.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:00 AM on February 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
Give then the choice between pursuing a relationship and treating your depression, work on the depression first. Finding a partner - even the most perfect partner in the world - will not fix your brain chemistry. You may still worry that you're unloveable at your core and that your partner will eventually discover the "real" you and leave. Treating your depression will let you relax and fully appreciate the love you receive.
The mid-twenties are surprisingly hard, too. At that age, it's completely normal to feel like you've fucked up or completely missed out on relationships, friendships, your career, everything. You see a bunch of people your age who seem to have it all nailed down, and you feel like you're the only one who's struggling, and it's hard not to feel like you've failed at adulthood. From your question, it sounds like you've done a lot for yourself physically, mentally, and socially, and I'd bet you're actually in a better place than a lot of people your age who are in relationships. You deserve a lot of credit, and even if you don't feel like it now, all of that is going to make you a great person (for yourself and for a future partner) in the long run.
P.S. Antidepressants saved my life. If you've tried therapy, exercise, etc., but haven't yet looked into medication, I strongly suggest it. Meds aren't a magic bullet, but when they work, the difference can be amazing.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:00 AM on February 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I'm also 25, and have none of the experience the above answerers have, so take this with a grain salt.
You mention that guys give you the "I'm not ready for a relationship" excuse; I'm betting that you're getting this because of how you approach a relationship. A lot of men (especially those who move in and out of relationships with ease) are very turned off by neediness. Your identity and even your mental health are so wrapped up in this that it's driving potential partners away. In other words, the type of man who is most likely to "[come] along" is one to whom a relationship means much less to than it does to you.
Part of the problem is that just being patient isn't a good strategy for finding a relationship. You're closing yourself off to a lot of potential by just waiting. Don't wait for a relationship; seek one out. Make an OkCupid profile. Ignore the messages you get. This is the year 2014; look up guys in your area who look good to you, and message THEM. If nothing else, this way you may get a wider variety than you would if you just waited for people to ask you out (especially in real life).
It seems it's a bit hard for MetaFilter to believe you when you say therapy and medication aren't working. Of course, some of that may be due to the fact that you were only diagnosed with depression a few days ago. Surely you haven't experienced the full effects of the medication yet, if that's the case? Give the professionals a little more time to help you.
It's really hard. Trust me, I know. With every failure, you just sink deeper into that pit, and it becomes more difficult to get out. The older you get, the worse it gets. To answer your question about how to feel better, the only advice I have that worked for me is this: don't value a relationship so highly. You need something else going on in your life. Something that you're not just doing because you hope it'll get you a date. Something that you can feel just as passionate about. If a relationship is the Only Thing That Will Make You Happy, you're just setting yourself up for unhappiness. You need this bedrock, something that you'll always have no matter how many failed relationships you go through. I used to feel almost exactly the way you describe, and once I really threw myself into a platonic hobby, I felt better, even when I'm single.
And for God's sake, find something to do tonight to take your mind off it. Binge-watch a television show, bake something, spend time with single friends, or SOMETHING. Valentine's Day is one of the worst and cruelest holidays of the year; you should always have a good strategy for getting through it.
posted by Androgenes at 8:54 AM on February 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
You mention that guys give you the "I'm not ready for a relationship" excuse; I'm betting that you're getting this because of how you approach a relationship. A lot of men (especially those who move in and out of relationships with ease) are very turned off by neediness. Your identity and even your mental health are so wrapped up in this that it's driving potential partners away. In other words, the type of man who is most likely to "[come] along" is one to whom a relationship means much less to than it does to you.
Part of the problem is that just being patient isn't a good strategy for finding a relationship. You're closing yourself off to a lot of potential by just waiting. Don't wait for a relationship; seek one out. Make an OkCupid profile. Ignore the messages you get. This is the year 2014; look up guys in your area who look good to you, and message THEM. If nothing else, this way you may get a wider variety than you would if you just waited for people to ask you out (especially in real life).
It seems it's a bit hard for MetaFilter to believe you when you say therapy and medication aren't working. Of course, some of that may be due to the fact that you were only diagnosed with depression a few days ago. Surely you haven't experienced the full effects of the medication yet, if that's the case? Give the professionals a little more time to help you.
It's really hard. Trust me, I know. With every failure, you just sink deeper into that pit, and it becomes more difficult to get out. The older you get, the worse it gets. To answer your question about how to feel better, the only advice I have that worked for me is this: don't value a relationship so highly. You need something else going on in your life. Something that you're not just doing because you hope it'll get you a date. Something that you can feel just as passionate about. If a relationship is the Only Thing That Will Make You Happy, you're just setting yourself up for unhappiness. You need this bedrock, something that you'll always have no matter how many failed relationships you go through. I used to feel almost exactly the way you describe, and once I really threw myself into a platonic hobby, I felt better, even when I'm single.
And for God's sake, find something to do tonight to take your mind off it. Binge-watch a television show, bake something, spend time with single friends, or SOMETHING. Valentine's Day is one of the worst and cruelest holidays of the year; you should always have a good strategy for getting through it.
posted by Androgenes at 8:54 AM on February 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
You see a bunch of people your age who seem to have it all nailed down, and you feel like you're the only one who's struggling, and it's hard not to feel like you've failed at adulthood.
So true.
Okay, I'm you, ten years later. I haven't had a date that I wanted to be on since before your age. I was born unlucky in love and it really never got better and probably never will. Some people are just not meant to find it--either at all or not until they're at least over 30. Or 40. Or 60. It pisses me the hell off that virtually everyone else got lucky long before they were 25, like my perfect younger cousin who met the love of her life on the first day of college and of course now has a fancy house and a perfect husband who makes good money and a perfect model baby boy and blah blah perfectcakes. I don't have too many friends around my age (and those ones are single) because of the whole Smug Married, Only Want Couple Friends thing. (I highly recommend befriending old married women, though--they stop caring about that shit and just want someone cool to hang out with no matter who you're with or not. Love 'em.) I do feel left out, I do feel pissed off, I'm ticked that my jerkass relatives who stopped speaking to me seven years ago started talking to my mom again and the first and only thing they asked about me was if I was finally married off yet.
Yeah, I feel that rage, still.
However: if you never find true love ever....I can tell you that you get used to the idea. You can look at your friends in bad marriages and think, "Thank god that's not me." You can realize the things you wouldn't be able to do if you came with someone. You don't feel like shit because your boyfriend is nitpicking about how you're not a perfect cook. There's reasons why I'm meant to be single and I'm finally old enough to accept it. And I think a lot of the pain is that you're screaming and rebelling inside and saying, "I deserve it, dammit! Why not meeeeeeeeeeee? Why is that total asshole I know happily married to another asshole?" Because that's life, really. You get lucky or you don't. You may date every asshole who messages you on OK Cupid for a year and still not get lucky. You may get lucky tomorrow at the grocery store. Who the hell knows, but I don't think it's really under your control. Some people just get born under a lucky star, or just aren't super picky. if you know what I mean.
In the meantime...I say to live your life as if nobody will ever come along. Get as much stuff as you can out of life without waiting on someone. If you want a baby or a house, have them alone. If you only want those things if you have a man to have them with, then you'll learn to live without. You have to make the most of what you've got. Yeah, you'll feel left out by comparison to others--how can you not? I get lectured not to compare myself, but it's impossible not to. But what choice do you have? You can't magic up a dude like that, and I say that as someone who ahem, used to try. You're gonna feel whiny and pissed and sad, no question. But the older you get and the more you're doing on your own--preferably if it's things you could not do if you were coupled-- the more you'll become okay with it. Really.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:57 AM on February 14, 2014 [18 favorites]
So true.
Okay, I'm you, ten years later. I haven't had a date that I wanted to be on since before your age. I was born unlucky in love and it really never got better and probably never will. Some people are just not meant to find it--either at all or not until they're at least over 30. Or 40. Or 60. It pisses me the hell off that virtually everyone else got lucky long before they were 25, like my perfect younger cousin who met the love of her life on the first day of college and of course now has a fancy house and a perfect husband who makes good money and a perfect model baby boy and blah blah perfectcakes. I don't have too many friends around my age (and those ones are single) because of the whole Smug Married, Only Want Couple Friends thing. (I highly recommend befriending old married women, though--they stop caring about that shit and just want someone cool to hang out with no matter who you're with or not. Love 'em.) I do feel left out, I do feel pissed off, I'm ticked that my jerkass relatives who stopped speaking to me seven years ago started talking to my mom again and the first and only thing they asked about me was if I was finally married off yet.
Yeah, I feel that rage, still.
However: if you never find true love ever....I can tell you that you get used to the idea. You can look at your friends in bad marriages and think, "Thank god that's not me." You can realize the things you wouldn't be able to do if you came with someone. You don't feel like shit because your boyfriend is nitpicking about how you're not a perfect cook. There's reasons why I'm meant to be single and I'm finally old enough to accept it. And I think a lot of the pain is that you're screaming and rebelling inside and saying, "I deserve it, dammit! Why not meeeeeeeeeeee? Why is that total asshole I know happily married to another asshole?" Because that's life, really. You get lucky or you don't. You may date every asshole who messages you on OK Cupid for a year and still not get lucky. You may get lucky tomorrow at the grocery store. Who the hell knows, but I don't think it's really under your control. Some people just get born under a lucky star, or just aren't super picky. if you know what I mean.
In the meantime...I say to live your life as if nobody will ever come along. Get as much stuff as you can out of life without waiting on someone. If you want a baby or a house, have them alone. If you only want those things if you have a man to have them with, then you'll learn to live without. You have to make the most of what you've got. Yeah, you'll feel left out by comparison to others--how can you not? I get lectured not to compare myself, but it's impossible not to. But what choice do you have? You can't magic up a dude like that, and I say that as someone who ahem, used to try. You're gonna feel whiny and pissed and sad, no question. But the older you get and the more you're doing on your own--preferably if it's things you could not do if you were coupled-- the more you'll become okay with it. Really.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:57 AM on February 14, 2014 [18 favorites]
Best answer: I was hesitant to add what jenfullmoon said, but I could have said it myself as well. In a weird way, deciding to believe that I was literally cursed when it came to love actually helped; before then I'd been beating my head against a wall trying to figure out "whyyyyyyyyyyyy", but that just made me feel like there was something I was doing or saying wrong. But when I decided that "there's no reason why, I am just epically cursed and unlucky," it was kind of....freeing, because suddenly it wasn't my fault any more, and I could say "fuck it, I can just do what I want because it won't matter anyway." And that just lead me to get more interested in doing whatever I wanted and not giving two shits about whether I was being too clingy or too desperate or too cool or too blah blah blah.
I hesitated to say that because you may not be in a place for it now, but...I swear, it helped.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:09 AM on February 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
I hesitated to say that because you may not be in a place for it now, but...I swear, it helped.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:09 AM on February 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Reading here sporadically, and I just have to add something to the "dying alone," myth. I'm 58 and single for the last two years for the first time since age 19. So, granted, I was coupled up in my twenties.
Still, there is not one woman I know, my age and older, who, if she is single, is not absolutely happy to be so. Not resistant to a relationship, but at a place of love and acceptance and yes, celebration of whatever state we find ourselves in. This is not Hallmark-y bullshit, I'm speaking truth. "Dying alone" is just not a factor. We are much too busy living it out, whatever it is.
posted by thinkpiece at 9:26 AM on February 14, 2014 [8 favorites]
Still, there is not one woman I know, my age and older, who, if she is single, is not absolutely happy to be so. Not resistant to a relationship, but at a place of love and acceptance and yes, celebration of whatever state we find ourselves in. This is not Hallmark-y bullshit, I'm speaking truth. "Dying alone" is just not a factor. We are much too busy living it out, whatever it is.
posted by thinkpiece at 9:26 AM on February 14, 2014 [8 favorites]
Oh, this is a hard phase to be in. But, and I really don't mean it patronizingly, it is a phase. And it really will pass!
Not if you don't get that depression treated, though. Depression freezes time, it sticks you wherever it grabbed you and you don't grow, or mature. Don't let that go on too long, okay? I was mentally 22 when I was 27 years old, at one point, and that's when I did all my stupidest shit.
But also, for everyone saying "you have to get right and happy and perfect before you can attract something good", can I just say, this isn't a 100% true rule?
I met my current BF when I was still reeling in bitterness and anger over my previous ex. I was OKCupiding like a mofo out of sheer spite. I hated everything. And yeah, my first date or two off the site confirmed my Hate Everythingness.
But I went out on a date with a third fella and halfway through (when he was in the bathroom) felt compelled to post on Facebook, "Well, what do you know." Because I was having a great time. For the first time in forever. It turned out that he was still so bitter and depressed about HIS ex that he almost stood me up--but didn't, and we hung out for like 8 hours and had a blast.
People are right, it ain't about deserve. And you should mostly have yourself under control before you try to mesh your life with someone. But sometimes two bummed-out people can hit it off, and help each other be a little less bummed out, and that's a great thing.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:28 AM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Not if you don't get that depression treated, though. Depression freezes time, it sticks you wherever it grabbed you and you don't grow, or mature. Don't let that go on too long, okay? I was mentally 22 when I was 27 years old, at one point, and that's when I did all my stupidest shit.
But also, for everyone saying "you have to get right and happy and perfect before you can attract something good", can I just say, this isn't a 100% true rule?
I met my current BF when I was still reeling in bitterness and anger over my previous ex. I was OKCupiding like a mofo out of sheer spite. I hated everything. And yeah, my first date or two off the site confirmed my Hate Everythingness.
But I went out on a date with a third fella and halfway through (when he was in the bathroom) felt compelled to post on Facebook, "Well, what do you know." Because I was having a great time. For the first time in forever. It turned out that he was still so bitter and depressed about HIS ex that he almost stood me up--but didn't, and we hung out for like 8 hours and had a blast.
People are right, it ain't about deserve. And you should mostly have yourself under control before you try to mesh your life with someone. But sometimes two bummed-out people can hit it off, and help each other be a little less bummed out, and that's a great thing.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:28 AM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You know, I totally get where you are coming from, like a lot of people here. I have been single basically forever (I'm 29), having only had a few very short "relationships." However, recently I have just begun to appreciate all of the wonderful things that I have been doing with my life while being single. It might have something to do with having dated a couple of those "I'm not ready for a relationship" guys the past year and finally just deciding that they are all silly boys, and when it comes down to it who cares what they think of me anyway. It might also have something to do with having worked on my confidence the past few years.
And, to tell you the truth, I think a few of my experiences of the last year have made me realize that relationships are WORK. This does not mean that I don't want one - just that I feel less like I want to jump into one. I never thought about it this way because I was always so focused on what I didn't have and the yearning that goes with that, but I think it is really true, and a reason to not put romantic relationships up on a pedestal as the answer to your problems.
One final thing to consider is this - no relationship is certain. With friends, family, romantic partners, you can have a relationship for years and then drift apart or have something prevent it from providing that closeness that you desire. This seems to me a good reason to keep doing what you are doing - seeking treatment for your depression, socializing, yoga, etc., basically making sure that you feel the most complete and independent as you can by yourself. I'm not saying that you shouldn't take comfort in your relationships or lean on others at all, just that when it comes down to it you will be more confident in these relationships and function better in them, and be able to deal with their potential fleeting nature if you have a firm sense of self and have your mental ducks in a row. I think this can also help you to take a more lighthearted view of the inevitable rejection that comes with dating.
(None of this is to say that it isn't fine to have days where you just want to be with someone or you just feel generally crappy about your love life. And honestly, I get really annoyed with people who are all like "Just stop wanting it and it will happen." I think it is a normal human desire to want this and you can't force yourself to stop wanting it. You can just try to cultivate a different attitude towards the whole thing.)
posted by thesnowyslaps at 10:12 AM on February 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
And, to tell you the truth, I think a few of my experiences of the last year have made me realize that relationships are WORK. This does not mean that I don't want one - just that I feel less like I want to jump into one. I never thought about it this way because I was always so focused on what I didn't have and the yearning that goes with that, but I think it is really true, and a reason to not put romantic relationships up on a pedestal as the answer to your problems.
One final thing to consider is this - no relationship is certain. With friends, family, romantic partners, you can have a relationship for years and then drift apart or have something prevent it from providing that closeness that you desire. This seems to me a good reason to keep doing what you are doing - seeking treatment for your depression, socializing, yoga, etc., basically making sure that you feel the most complete and independent as you can by yourself. I'm not saying that you shouldn't take comfort in your relationships or lean on others at all, just that when it comes down to it you will be more confident in these relationships and function better in them, and be able to deal with their potential fleeting nature if you have a firm sense of self and have your mental ducks in a row. I think this can also help you to take a more lighthearted view of the inevitable rejection that comes with dating.
(None of this is to say that it isn't fine to have days where you just want to be with someone or you just feel generally crappy about your love life. And honestly, I get really annoyed with people who are all like "Just stop wanting it and it will happen." I think it is a normal human desire to want this and you can't force yourself to stop wanting it. You can just try to cultivate a different attitude towards the whole thing.)
posted by thesnowyslaps at 10:12 AM on February 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: A lot of men (especially those who move in and out of relationships with ease) are very turned off by neediness. Your identity and even your mental health are so wrapped up in this that it's driving potential partners away.
Saw that you marked this as a best answer, OP, so I just wanted to chime in.
While this might be true on some level, please do not let it affect your behavior or how you see yourself.
Guys who assign women labels like "needy", "clingy", "high maintenance", etc? You don't need them.
Find somebody who actually likes you. For real. Not only if you don't ask for anything or ever get in the way.
posted by Sara C. at 10:19 AM on February 14, 2014 [9 favorites]
Saw that you marked this as a best answer, OP, so I just wanted to chime in.
While this might be true on some level, please do not let it affect your behavior or how you see yourself.
Guys who assign women labels like "needy", "clingy", "high maintenance", etc? You don't need them.
Find somebody who actually likes you. For real. Not only if you don't ask for anything or ever get in the way.
posted by Sara C. at 10:19 AM on February 14, 2014 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Just wanna say that at 32, I'm seeing a lot of the "coupled in their early 20s" friends get into miserable, messy divorces 5+ years later. I'm only saying that there's absolutely nothing wrong with taking your damn time in this department and finding someone that's actually right for you. Whether it's 5, 10, 15 years from now. There actually are worse things than being single, it just doesn't seem that way when you look on Facebook and people are only selectively sharing happy-seeming moments.
posted by naju at 11:52 AM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by naju at 11:52 AM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm in no way a fan of internet dating, so I guess I could be biased here.. but I genuinely, categorically don't think it's a place to hang out when you are feeling emotionally vulnerable... you need to self soothe and feel safe taking gentle, measured risks.. pushing yourself a little, but not overly. This can be hard to know how to pitch.
One thing that you have as a single person is more time.. than you may ever have again.. who knows. Think about other areas of your life you have felt passion/desire for.. an ambition or your favourite hobby. Maybe take time to really get into that.. build your skill... this helps with self esteem.. ofcourse the tricky part is this can be really hard when you feel like total hell.
Therapy could be good for a 'mock run' of sustained emotional intimacy.
Re: your fantasy of what a relationship would provide...
excitement?
belonging? etc etc list it, then brainstorm for each one anything that may help you get closer to those things.. yourself.
Romance is far healthier when driven by want more than need.. from what I see.
The physical side... yeah its tough sometimes. Often I think of how completely insane the world is with so many men jacking off to the Barbie-fied sex trade and real women living like nuns.
For the sex stuff.. you need release.. check out the Dodsonandross site. Pro woman. Pro sex.
But physical contact is far broader than sex. Think about affection... cuddling kids or people you love (ask your sibling for a proper hug), sensation.. curl up with someones fluffy, accommodating cat. Skin to skin contact take a massage... it can be nice to have one from a man... caring touch.. Sensual yet platonic?... visit a Salsa club and partner dance with some Latin Americans
then to bed alone m' lady ;) .. cocoa, clean sheets and tonnes more self soothing.
You feel like hell, the part of you that wrote in is already fighting it.
posted by tanktop at 2:56 PM on February 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
One thing that you have as a single person is more time.. than you may ever have again.. who knows. Think about other areas of your life you have felt passion/desire for.. an ambition or your favourite hobby. Maybe take time to really get into that.. build your skill... this helps with self esteem.. ofcourse the tricky part is this can be really hard when you feel like total hell.
Therapy could be good for a 'mock run' of sustained emotional intimacy.
Re: your fantasy of what a relationship would provide...
excitement?
belonging? etc etc list it, then brainstorm for each one anything that may help you get closer to those things.. yourself.
Romance is far healthier when driven by want more than need.. from what I see.
The physical side... yeah its tough sometimes. Often I think of how completely insane the world is with so many men jacking off to the Barbie-fied sex trade and real women living like nuns.
For the sex stuff.. you need release.. check out the Dodsonandross site. Pro woman. Pro sex.
But physical contact is far broader than sex. Think about affection... cuddling kids or people you love (ask your sibling for a proper hug), sensation.. curl up with someones fluffy, accommodating cat. Skin to skin contact take a massage... it can be nice to have one from a man... caring touch.. Sensual yet platonic?... visit a Salsa club and partner dance with some Latin Americans
then to bed alone m' lady ;) .. cocoa, clean sheets and tonnes more self soothing.
You feel like hell, the part of you that wrote in is already fighting it.
posted by tanktop at 2:56 PM on February 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I’m sick and tired of not being invited to gatherings because its always all couples
People who won't socialize with you because you don't come as part of a matched set are jerks. Make new friends.
I’m legitimately ANGRY at people who tell me that “it comes along when you’re not looking and least expect it.”
It's a dumb thing to say. I'm not sure if people really think that or if they are just trying to fill up space with meaningless sayings.
You certainly can look! Try some other social groups like meetups or hiking clubs. If the group you find is all couples, keep looking. Try online dating, and don't be ashamed about it -- I'd casually mention to people that I was doing online dating, and I got more phone numbers and introductions to people's friends out of it.
The other side of this is that there's luck involved, and sometimes luck is against you. Luck doesn't care if you deserve something or not. If searching is exhausting you, it's OK to take a break for a month and come back to it later on.
I was diagnosed with severe depression for the first time in my life a few days ago. I know why I’m depressed, it’s because I’m lonely and miserable.
Even if that's why you are depressed, that's no reason not to get your depression treated. Trying to fix your depression by not being lonely when you are depressed because you are lonely is kind of like pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps.
posted by yohko at 3:13 PM on February 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
People who won't socialize with you because you don't come as part of a matched set are jerks. Make new friends.
I’m legitimately ANGRY at people who tell me that “it comes along when you’re not looking and least expect it.”
It's a dumb thing to say. I'm not sure if people really think that or if they are just trying to fill up space with meaningless sayings.
You certainly can look! Try some other social groups like meetups or hiking clubs. If the group you find is all couples, keep looking. Try online dating, and don't be ashamed about it -- I'd casually mention to people that I was doing online dating, and I got more phone numbers and introductions to people's friends out of it.
The other side of this is that there's luck involved, and sometimes luck is against you. Luck doesn't care if you deserve something or not. If searching is exhausting you, it's OK to take a break for a month and come back to it later on.
I was diagnosed with severe depression for the first time in my life a few days ago. I know why I’m depressed, it’s because I’m lonely and miserable.
Even if that's why you are depressed, that's no reason not to get your depression treated. Trying to fix your depression by not being lonely when you are depressed because you are lonely is kind of like pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps.
posted by yohko at 3:13 PM on February 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: A couple of observations.
1) You need to really be ok with being single. Like really. Like comfortable in your own skin. When you're desperate to not be single, you stink of it. Potential mates can smell the desperation. It's not sexy. What is sexy is a woman who loves herself, is so effing comfortable with herself, that she doesn't need a man - but is totally willing to engage with the right one.
2) Get some depression meds, at least for the time being.
3) Work out - even if you're thin, work out. Working out is sexy, endorphins are good for depression, etc. Just do it. Find something, anything you love. Yoga. Run. Swim. Walk. Whatever, just do it.
4) Make a list of what you want in a man. Do not include things you don't want - that's not what you want to attract. Make a list of things you want, no matter how small or silly. You want someone who will do a marathon of Dr. Who on the couch? Great. Write it down. You want someone who will dance in the rain with you? Write that down too. You like green eyes, skinny legs and a tight butt? Write that down. You want someone who will be kind to animals and bring you coffee in bed? Write it down. Be thoughtful. Be specific. Be genuine. Think about the list. Add to it. Carry it around. Why? So you recognize it when you meet it. And when you're starting to get serious about someone, you actually can look down the list and see if they meet the criteria. Desperation might make you choose someone who's second best. Compare them with your list...do they measure up? Nope? Adios dude.
Get your own self together, and you will attract someone. Good luck - keep us posted!
posted by Jericha at 3:19 PM on February 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
1) You need to really be ok with being single. Like really. Like comfortable in your own skin. When you're desperate to not be single, you stink of it. Potential mates can smell the desperation. It's not sexy. What is sexy is a woman who loves herself, is so effing comfortable with herself, that she doesn't need a man - but is totally willing to engage with the right one.
2) Get some depression meds, at least for the time being.
3) Work out - even if you're thin, work out. Working out is sexy, endorphins are good for depression, etc. Just do it. Find something, anything you love. Yoga. Run. Swim. Walk. Whatever, just do it.
4) Make a list of what you want in a man. Do not include things you don't want - that's not what you want to attract. Make a list of things you want, no matter how small or silly. You want someone who will do a marathon of Dr. Who on the couch? Great. Write it down. You want someone who will dance in the rain with you? Write that down too. You like green eyes, skinny legs and a tight butt? Write that down. You want someone who will be kind to animals and bring you coffee in bed? Write it down. Be thoughtful. Be specific. Be genuine. Think about the list. Add to it. Carry it around. Why? So you recognize it when you meet it. And when you're starting to get serious about someone, you actually can look down the list and see if they meet the criteria. Desperation might make you choose someone who's second best. Compare them with your list...do they measure up? Nope? Adios dude.
Get your own self together, and you will attract someone. Good luck - keep us posted!
posted by Jericha at 3:19 PM on February 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Yuck, I sometimes feel this way. I'm approximately your age, and it seems like everybody in my social circle just suddenly (over the last two years) became couples rather than individuals and WOW it is so frustrating when you realize that you are the only one at a party or at a dinner who is single.
I also skew toward depression sometimes, and I also sometimes feel very much that it is because I am single. It's easy to feel like nothing would be missing (and everything would be good and complete) if only you were dating someone. I understand that this feeling is irrational, but that doesn't keep me from occasionally feeling it.
These are some things that I've done to deal with all of this, and they typically work for me:
1. Take up hobbies that make you strong. Crossfit, yoga, surfing, skiing, anything that will build a lot of muscle. Feeling strong feels really good + it's been proven that exercise helps with improving happiness. I also generally feel attractive but when I'm strong I feel even more attractive, as well as more confident, more powerful, and more in control of my life.
2. Schedule a lot of activities in your free time with single friends. Right now I am so busy doing fun things that I don't know where I would schedule in a boyfriend. (Obviously I COULD, but I really like the time that I spend with my friends -- it brings me joy and reducing the amount of activities with them would take someone really special)
3. OkCupid. Whenever I am feeling particularly OMG NO BOYS WILL EVER LIKE ME, I join OkCupid and go on dates with all the boys -- this results in either finding someone I like to date OR remembering that dating isn't the end all/be all happiness maker.
I don't know if any of this will help you, but it does help me.
posted by anonymoosemoosemoose at 3:57 PM on February 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
I also skew toward depression sometimes, and I also sometimes feel very much that it is because I am single. It's easy to feel like nothing would be missing (and everything would be good and complete) if only you were dating someone. I understand that this feeling is irrational, but that doesn't keep me from occasionally feeling it.
These are some things that I've done to deal with all of this, and they typically work for me:
1. Take up hobbies that make you strong. Crossfit, yoga, surfing, skiing, anything that will build a lot of muscle. Feeling strong feels really good + it's been proven that exercise helps with improving happiness. I also generally feel attractive but when I'm strong I feel even more attractive, as well as more confident, more powerful, and more in control of my life.
2. Schedule a lot of activities in your free time with single friends. Right now I am so busy doing fun things that I don't know where I would schedule in a boyfriend. (Obviously I COULD, but I really like the time that I spend with my friends -- it brings me joy and reducing the amount of activities with them would take someone really special)
3. OkCupid. Whenever I am feeling particularly OMG NO BOYS WILL EVER LIKE ME, I join OkCupid and go on dates with all the boys -- this results in either finding someone I like to date OR remembering that dating isn't the end all/be all happiness maker.
I don't know if any of this will help you, but it does help me.
posted by anonymoosemoosemoose at 3:57 PM on February 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
See an expert about your depression. There are different types of "severe" depression some of which are impossible to talk your way out of. If you have severe clinical depression then a lot of your relationship misery could be just a byproduct of that. Antidepressants might significantly help, plus they reduce libido, so if you're frustrated about not having sex, win-win.
posted by Ndwright at 7:27 AM on February 15, 2014
posted by Ndwright at 7:27 AM on February 15, 2014
i'm 28. i dated one person for 3.5 years in my early 20s, but now i've basically been single since 2009. holy shit. you know what, though? during that long relationship, i would sometimes feel like the whole world was a little bit stale and colorless, lacking in mystery and intrigue. "well," i thought, "this is it. i know who i'm going home with, tonight and every night."
that relationship wasn't for me, obviously. i'm REALLY tired of being single but i'm also determined that i'd rather be alone than be bored, than have to live in a stale and colorless world.
it helps me to think about how wide-open my life is. anything can happen. i could meet anyone at any time. each day brings another chance for intrigue. !!!!
okcupid can work, and is a good idea, but i also want to make the case for friends-of-friends. those connections always seem so organic and easy, and you have some built-in stuff in common with them; they've been somewhat vetted by mutual acquaintances. multiply your chances for intrigue and romance by approaching everyone--men and women--as someone who might shake up your world in the best way. the more friends you have, the more friends of friends you have.
this summer, i bumped into (literally, bumped into him) a really cool guy on the dance floor, ended up folding him and his friends into my friend group. i went on a couple dates with his friends; he's now really happy dating MY friend. etc.
i met a cool guy who works at the record store. he's new to town. invited him and his girlfriend over for potlucks. met the cool new barista at the cafe, asked her to hang out. and on it goes. just say yes to people.
this gets you two birds with one stone: you're increasing your chances of meeting a potential partner, but in the meantime, you are cultivating a great social network with people who can broaden your horizons, and you're learning more about yourself and building a fulfilling rewarding life for yourself.
last but not least, i give you this advice from Ask Polly. Should you be "That Girl?"
read it all! it's long but will get you pumped.
posted by iahtl at 10:46 AM on February 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
that relationship wasn't for me, obviously. i'm REALLY tired of being single but i'm also determined that i'd rather be alone than be bored, than have to live in a stale and colorless world.
it helps me to think about how wide-open my life is. anything can happen. i could meet anyone at any time. each day brings another chance for intrigue. !!!!
okcupid can work, and is a good idea, but i also want to make the case for friends-of-friends. those connections always seem so organic and easy, and you have some built-in stuff in common with them; they've been somewhat vetted by mutual acquaintances. multiply your chances for intrigue and romance by approaching everyone--men and women--as someone who might shake up your world in the best way. the more friends you have, the more friends of friends you have.
this summer, i bumped into (literally, bumped into him) a really cool guy on the dance floor, ended up folding him and his friends into my friend group. i went on a couple dates with his friends; he's now really happy dating MY friend. etc.
i met a cool guy who works at the record store. he's new to town. invited him and his girlfriend over for potlucks. met the cool new barista at the cafe, asked her to hang out. and on it goes. just say yes to people.
this gets you two birds with one stone: you're increasing your chances of meeting a potential partner, but in the meantime, you are cultivating a great social network with people who can broaden your horizons, and you're learning more about yourself and building a fulfilling rewarding life for yourself.
last but not least, i give you this advice from Ask Polly. Should you be "That Girl?"
read it all! it's long but will get you pumped.
posted by iahtl at 10:46 AM on February 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm the same age as you, although I spent my early 20s in relationships and currently alternate between happy being single or being ambivalent about being single.
This may sound like bad advice, but maybe you need to experience a subpar relationship to really appreciate singlehood. You can still feel lonely in a relationship and not get the intimacy that you want, but at least when you're single, you have full freedom to figure out how to satisfy your needs.
I moved to a new city and have been using OK Cupid to meet new friends and date. I blur the two and having no expectations other than "I will have a great conversation with an interesting person today!" makes it pretty awesome. I don't walk in thinking that every interaction that doesn't turn into a relationship is a fail, as long as I had fun during our hangout, it was totally worth it.
Also, as a 25 year old woman that doesn't get asked out that often IRL, getting all the messages on OKC is such a confidence booster. And for some reason, maybe I have an intimidating yet geeky profile or something, I don't get creepy messages often. People usually message me about shared interests and they're just all "You're cool and we both like this obscure thing, let's meet up!"
I also message people who are cute and/or interesting. So far I just have made a whole bunch of new acquaintances that are either awesome or cute or both, and that's fine with me. Will any of them blossom into a relationship? I don't know, time will tell. I'm still open to a relationship and desire it sometimes, but since I know how much of a time suck a relationship is, I spend more time figuring out if people are worth it instead of chasing it blindly.
At this stage of my life, I rather just date and meet new people rather than be in a subpar relationship. Great relationship or no relationship for me, thanks.
This is a pretty new attitude for me, but I've also recently been treated for depression. So yes, look into your mental health first... it could change your perspective a lot, and make things way less high stakes and more win-win.
posted by Hawk V at 11:27 AM on February 16, 2014
This may sound like bad advice, but maybe you need to experience a subpar relationship to really appreciate singlehood. You can still feel lonely in a relationship and not get the intimacy that you want, but at least when you're single, you have full freedom to figure out how to satisfy your needs.
I moved to a new city and have been using OK Cupid to meet new friends and date. I blur the two and having no expectations other than "I will have a great conversation with an interesting person today!" makes it pretty awesome. I don't walk in thinking that every interaction that doesn't turn into a relationship is a fail, as long as I had fun during our hangout, it was totally worth it.
Also, as a 25 year old woman that doesn't get asked out that often IRL, getting all the messages on OKC is such a confidence booster. And for some reason, maybe I have an intimidating yet geeky profile or something, I don't get creepy messages often. People usually message me about shared interests and they're just all "You're cool and we both like this obscure thing, let's meet up!"
I also message people who are cute and/or interesting. So far I just have made a whole bunch of new acquaintances that are either awesome or cute or both, and that's fine with me. Will any of them blossom into a relationship? I don't know, time will tell. I'm still open to a relationship and desire it sometimes, but since I know how much of a time suck a relationship is, I spend more time figuring out if people are worth it instead of chasing it blindly.
At this stage of my life, I rather just date and meet new people rather than be in a subpar relationship. Great relationship or no relationship for me, thanks.
This is a pretty new attitude for me, but I've also recently been treated for depression. So yes, look into your mental health first... it could change your perspective a lot, and make things way less high stakes and more win-win.
posted by Hawk V at 11:27 AM on February 16, 2014
Although, summertimesadness, I notice that you've asked this same question three times already - and I also notice that you seem to ask this question at about the same time every month. So I would urge you to do a few things:
1. Consider that possibly there could be a PMS angle to why you seem to plunge into a depression every month; and
2. Actually use some of the advice you are given in these questions, rather than just coming back and asking us for help again when you're feeling upset. AskMe can be a valuable resource, but it is not meant to replace a therapist who works with you directly. (Also - give some of the advice we give you time to work. None of this is going to be instantaneous magic-wand solutions, it will take a lot of time on your part. But you are young, and you have plenty of time.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:49 PM on April 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
1. Consider that possibly there could be a PMS angle to why you seem to plunge into a depression every month; and
2. Actually use some of the advice you are given in these questions, rather than just coming back and asking us for help again when you're feeling upset. AskMe can be a valuable resource, but it is not meant to replace a therapist who works with you directly. (Also - give some of the advice we give you time to work. None of this is going to be instantaneous magic-wand solutions, it will take a lot of time on your part. But you are young, and you have plenty of time.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:49 PM on April 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I was diagnosed with severe depression for the first time in my life a few days ago.
Might be barking up the wrong tree, vis your unhappiness a little. I think it's probable your recently diagnosed depression is distorting your thinking about being single and unhappy etc.
It may not be exactly what you want to hear but I wager if you focus on taking care of the depression, you may be pleasantly surprised at what else gets taken care of along the way.
Best of luck,
posted by smoke at 12:47 AM on February 14, 2014 [35 favorites]