I just want some sleep!
December 29, 2012 1:16 PM Subscribe
I am having serious psychological trouble adjusting to using my CPAP machine. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns and I'm resentful and miserable and shall I go on? Yes, I shall.
posted by desjardins to Health & Fitness (32 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
From the beginning it has made my life measurably worse. I don't know who these people are that report increased energy and joie de vivre but it's not me. I sleep awesomely without it, I'm not tired during the day, I don't get morning headaches. The only reason I use it is because it's not fair to my husband to have to deal with my disability or death. It understandably makes him very anxious when I don't wear it, plus I snore like a chainsaw.
The primary issue is that it keeps me awake most of the night. It's the feeling of something touching me, the pressure of the straps, and the air blowing in my face (and sometimes in my eyes). Even when I'm dog-tired, just initially putting it on wakes me up again because of the sudden influx of oxygen. Last night I was in bed for 10 hours and slept maybe 2. I said "fuck this," took it off and slept beautifully for another three hours. The angels sung.
I've been through three masks. This is by far the best one, and there are no other viable options to try. I have to have a full-face mask because I cannot breathe through my nose. I've been to two doctors and two medical supply places and the nice people have told me that it really doesn't get any better than this; all masks are going to leak a bit, all masks are going to make my mouth dry, all masks are (obviously) going to be touching me all night. They're really polite about it, but the end result is "suck it up."
I am not a candidate for surgery because my apnea is so severe that surgery would still not bring it down to a safe level. (I've gotten a second opinion.) I'm 105 lbs so my weight is definitely not a factor. I have painkillers (from neck and back trouble) but I'm loathe to take them just to sleep.
I'm ANGRY that I have to wear this thing and terrified of not getting a good night's sleep for the rest of my life. I've had this thing for a few years and I can't manage more than a month or two of using it. I get maybe one good night's sleep out of 5, and the good night is because I'm so fucking exhausted from the previous four. I'd really like to figure this out because it's not fair to my husband to be afraid of my death.