How can I be (or demonstrate that I am) more thoughtful?
December 28, 2013 9:19 AM Subscribe
It's clear that my partner thinks I'm not as thoughtful as he is. How can I become more thoughtful - or prove to him that I am being thoughtful - without keeping a tally sheet or going crazy?
My SO and I have been together about 10 years. For the most part, we get along incredibly well. He's my best friend and I enjoy spending time with him. But occasionally, we will get into a fight and as he's mad all the things that I do that piss him off - from the tiny to the elephant in the room things - come out. The connective theme seems to be that he does more for me, and more thoughtfully, than I do for him. And to this, I feel completely helpless and unable to make it better.
Honestly, it's true. He's an exceptionally thoughtful person by anyone's standards - gift giving, chores around the house, considering me in planning and purchasing, communication.
And me? Well, I'm a good gift giver, but after 10 years together, he doesn't *need* anything that we wouldn't just get on the spot (or would take up too much room in the house). I am less of a planner (and budgeter) than he is and I'm trying - with apps, journals, Getting Things Done - to plan and communicate my plans better so he knows I'm taking his needs into account. And I'm trying to communicate, but there are things I feel like don't matter (that end of mattering and I didn't tell him - like the social plans I make that I know he's not taking part in, or my plans to rearrange something that ends up getting in his way) and things that matter a lot to me that don't actually effect him that stress him out when I talk about them (like my job, what I'm doing at work).
When we're doing good in other aspects of life, I feel like we're in a good rhythm, but when one of us is (or both of us are) stressed, he gets resentful and I start forgetting to be thoughtful, communicative, etc. which leads to more stress and all that.
I would really love some tips, tools, practices, whatever that would help me learn to be more thoughtful. When we're fighting, I get really insecure and defensive and paranoid he's going to leave me - or I think maybe he'd be better off without me and then feel guilty about wanting him to stay. I don't think it'll stop the typical couple's fights during stressful times, but it would make me feel like I was doing something to improve the situation and deserve him. It would also make me feel much better about considering things that are important for us to do but would bring stress into our lives (moving to another state, having a baby, etc.) without thinking (irrationally) that it would tear us apart since even when he's mad, he's very clear that he loves me and wants me as a partner, even if he doesn't like me right in that moment. (I am a jerk in a fight and say things like, "Well, go ahead and leave me, then!")
Some other facts (since I can't thread sit anonymously):
- My previous long term relationships have been passive-aggressive at best and my last long term relationship broke up mostly because my ex was the selfish/thoughtless one in that relationship
- My SO is a very clear and direct communicator (and can be somewhat harsh, especially when stressed or pissed) and his previous relationships lived or died on that
- This is the longest relationship for both of us
- I am "working on myself" with therapy, "self care" and meds to take care of mild depression/anxiety/poor reaction to stress
- I am not asperger's or anything. Over the years, others have told me I'm empathetic, thoughtful, etc. - but in limited doses/big dramatic acts, rather than in a sustained, long term thoughtfulness (previous roommates, ex boyfriends have not considered me as thoughtful as coworkers and friends think I am)
- My thoughtlessness is less about big, dramatic and more about not taking his needs into consideration when I make choices on my own in little/ongoing matters
- I do "use up" a lot of my thoughtfulness on people who are less important to me than him - friends, acquaintances, work commitments
- Couples therapy is really not in the cards - and having gone through that with my last relationship, I don't think it would help
- It feels like he has a much better memory than I do. He can name lots of thoughtful things he's done for me in the heat of the moment, but me, I'm just like, "um, I do... I kinda take care of stuff?"
tl;dr = How does one become more thoughtful? I want to be a thoughtful person, but I'm not on a steady basis.
My SO and I have been together about 10 years. For the most part, we get along incredibly well. He's my best friend and I enjoy spending time with him. But occasionally, we will get into a fight and as he's mad all the things that I do that piss him off - from the tiny to the elephant in the room things - come out. The connective theme seems to be that he does more for me, and more thoughtfully, than I do for him. And to this, I feel completely helpless and unable to make it better.
Honestly, it's true. He's an exceptionally thoughtful person by anyone's standards - gift giving, chores around the house, considering me in planning and purchasing, communication.
And me? Well, I'm a good gift giver, but after 10 years together, he doesn't *need* anything that we wouldn't just get on the spot (or would take up too much room in the house). I am less of a planner (and budgeter) than he is and I'm trying - with apps, journals, Getting Things Done - to plan and communicate my plans better so he knows I'm taking his needs into account. And I'm trying to communicate, but there are things I feel like don't matter (that end of mattering and I didn't tell him - like the social plans I make that I know he's not taking part in, or my plans to rearrange something that ends up getting in his way) and things that matter a lot to me that don't actually effect him that stress him out when I talk about them (like my job, what I'm doing at work).
When we're doing good in other aspects of life, I feel like we're in a good rhythm, but when one of us is (or both of us are) stressed, he gets resentful and I start forgetting to be thoughtful, communicative, etc. which leads to more stress and all that.
I would really love some tips, tools, practices, whatever that would help me learn to be more thoughtful. When we're fighting, I get really insecure and defensive and paranoid he's going to leave me - or I think maybe he'd be better off without me and then feel guilty about wanting him to stay. I don't think it'll stop the typical couple's fights during stressful times, but it would make me feel like I was doing something to improve the situation and deserve him. It would also make me feel much better about considering things that are important for us to do but would bring stress into our lives (moving to another state, having a baby, etc.) without thinking (irrationally) that it would tear us apart since even when he's mad, he's very clear that he loves me and wants me as a partner, even if he doesn't like me right in that moment. (I am a jerk in a fight and say things like, "Well, go ahead and leave me, then!")
Some other facts (since I can't thread sit anonymously):
- My previous long term relationships have been passive-aggressive at best and my last long term relationship broke up mostly because my ex was the selfish/thoughtless one in that relationship
- My SO is a very clear and direct communicator (and can be somewhat harsh, especially when stressed or pissed) and his previous relationships lived or died on that
- This is the longest relationship for both of us
- I am "working on myself" with therapy, "self care" and meds to take care of mild depression/anxiety/poor reaction to stress
- I am not asperger's or anything. Over the years, others have told me I'm empathetic, thoughtful, etc. - but in limited doses/big dramatic acts, rather than in a sustained, long term thoughtfulness (previous roommates, ex boyfriends have not considered me as thoughtful as coworkers and friends think I am)
- My thoughtlessness is less about big, dramatic and more about not taking his needs into consideration when I make choices on my own in little/ongoing matters
- I do "use up" a lot of my thoughtfulness on people who are less important to me than him - friends, acquaintances, work commitments
- Couples therapy is really not in the cards - and having gone through that with my last relationship, I don't think it would help
- It feels like he has a much better memory than I do. He can name lots of thoughtful things he's done for me in the heat of the moment, but me, I'm just like, "um, I do... I kinda take care of stuff?"
tl;dr = How does one become more thoughtful? I want to be a thoughtful person, but I'm not on a steady basis.
It kind of counteracts the generosity if the person on the giving end is standing over your head with, "I have done MUCH more generous things than you and I'M COUNTING." Generosity isn't about keeping score.
You said at some point that you are want to feel like you're doing something to "improve the situation and deserve him." You might find it easier to give freely if you come from a place of believing that you are good enough as is and don't have to tap dance to deserve him.
posted by mermily at 9:31 AM on December 28, 2013 [17 favorites]
You said at some point that you are want to feel like you're doing something to "improve the situation and deserve him." You might find it easier to give freely if you come from a place of believing that you are good enough as is and don't have to tap dance to deserve him.
posted by mermily at 9:31 AM on December 28, 2013 [17 favorites]
Wait, so he does thoughtful little things for you because that's the way he is, but in an argument he lists all the thoughtful things he's done for you and makes you feel/admit you're coming up short because you are not exactly like him? I don't think your partner is the effevtive communicator you think he is. He's keeping score and letting resentment build. Both are toxic to relationships.
I suggest the 5 love languages book so you can determine how you most naturally show affection, and so he can learn to appreciate that about you and not expect to get exactly what he gives. But it'll take some work, for sure. Starting with you not believing you're inferior because you don't keep track of your thoughtfulness.
posted by headnsouth at 9:32 AM on December 28, 2013 [23 favorites]
I suggest the 5 love languages book so you can determine how you most naturally show affection, and so he can learn to appreciate that about you and not expect to get exactly what he gives. But it'll take some work, for sure. Starting with you not believing you're inferior because you don't keep track of your thoughtfulness.
posted by headnsouth at 9:32 AM on December 28, 2013 [23 favorites]
It might be worth talking to your SO about what you being "thoughtful" means to him. Is it as simple as "I feel taken for granted when I do things for you and you don't return the favour" or does it actually go a lot deeper for him: "When I feel you're not thinking of me when you make decisions without me/don't do things for me I worry that you don't love me as much as I love you." That will inform whether you just need to do more stuff for him (whatever that might mean for you both) or whether you both need to sit down and address what might be a more important insecurity that runs both ways. You're afraid of him leaving you so you tell him to leave in the heat of an argument vs him dragging up all the ways he thinks prove that he cares more for you than you do for him. If that's the case, it's an issue that needs to be addressed by both of you through communication. Good luck.
posted by billiebee at 9:38 AM on December 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 9:38 AM on December 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
Perhaps you could ask your partner for suggestions. Ask him to be specific about what scenarios bother him, i.e., if you make social plans for the two of you without clearing it with him first, or you only have one car and you plan to use it on a certain day without checking with him as to whether he needs it. Then you can make an effort not to do those things.
And consider that you may not be falling short in this area. It sounds like your partner is quicker on the draw in argument than you are, and when one partner is "better" or more overbearing in argument the other partner tends to get the worst of the discussion even though he or she may not really be at fault. Asking your partner for reasonable and specific suggestions as to what he would like to see changed should help keep the discussion fair and constructive.
posted by orange swan at 9:40 AM on December 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
And consider that you may not be falling short in this area. It sounds like your partner is quicker on the draw in argument than you are, and when one partner is "better" or more overbearing in argument the other partner tends to get the worst of the discussion even though he or she may not really be at fault. Asking your partner for reasonable and specific suggestions as to what he would like to see changed should help keep the discussion fair and constructive.
posted by orange swan at 9:40 AM on December 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
But occasionally, we will get into a fight and as he's mad all the things that I do that piss him off - from the tiny to the elephant in the room things - come out.
This is a bad, bad, bad way of fighting. He needs to start bringing up things that bother him within 24 hours, and only one or two things at a time. If he's storing up resentments, he's not a good communicator.
Your question makes it seem like he wants you to develop the ability to read his mind so that he doesn't need to tell you what he wants or needs. I assume you're not psychic, so this is an unreasonable desire. He needs to be specific and explicit in what he wants from you. ("Be more thoughtful" is not specific. "Say thank you when I take out the trash" is specific.)
As for small everyday planning stuff, can you just set aside five or ten minutes daily to tell each other about your days, and that's when you can mention any plans you've made?
posted by jaguar at 9:59 AM on December 28, 2013 [18 favorites]
This is a bad, bad, bad way of fighting. He needs to start bringing up things that bother him within 24 hours, and only one or two things at a time. If he's storing up resentments, he's not a good communicator.
Your question makes it seem like he wants you to develop the ability to read his mind so that he doesn't need to tell you what he wants or needs. I assume you're not psychic, so this is an unreasonable desire. He needs to be specific and explicit in what he wants from you. ("Be more thoughtful" is not specific. "Say thank you when I take out the trash" is specific.)
As for small everyday planning stuff, can you just set aside five or ten minutes daily to tell each other about your days, and that's when you can mention any plans you've made?
posted by jaguar at 9:59 AM on December 28, 2013 [18 favorites]
I don't think you can become more thoughtful. It's like trying to become more funny or more logical. I mean, you can go around trying to draw attention to each example of being thoughtful/funny/logical, but it doesn't actually make you more of those things.
What he might want is more recognition for his thoughtfulness. Does he get enough credit for it? If not, try to give him more. If he does, then you can say "yes, you add your thoughtfulness to the relationship, which is great, but that is only one component of many..."
posted by 99percentfake at 10:08 AM on December 28, 2013
What he might want is more recognition for his thoughtfulness. Does he get enough credit for it? If not, try to give him more. If he does, then you can say "yes, you add your thoughtfulness to the relationship, which is great, but that is only one component of many..."
posted by 99percentfake at 10:08 AM on December 28, 2013
- I do "use up" a lot of my thoughtfulness on people who are less important to me than him - friends, acquaintances, work commitments
This is an important admission - it's a deeply private reality only you are aware of. You are keeping score in you're own way.
There is no such thing as "use up." It could be you take him for granted now — or you find him so undeserving that you would put others above him in your demonstration of thoughtfulness.
Sounds like he's picking up on all of this and reacting to it because it's hurtful to him.
posted by Kruger5 at 10:10 AM on December 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
This is an important admission - it's a deeply private reality only you are aware of. You are keeping score in you're own way.
There is no such thing as "use up." It could be you take him for granted now — or you find him so undeserving that you would put others above him in your demonstration of thoughtfulness.
Sounds like he's picking up on all of this and reacting to it because it's hurtful to him.
posted by Kruger5 at 10:10 AM on December 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
It kind of counteracts the generosity if the person on the giving end is standing over your head with, "I have done MUCH more generous things than you and I'M COUNTING." Generosity isn't about keeping score.On the contrary, I think generosity is always an implicit request for reciprocal generosity. And that isn't a bad thing. We always do nice things for other people hoping that they will also do nice things for us. We don't do nice things for people who treat us badly because those people aren't participating in the exchange – they are "stealing" kindness.
Generosity only becomes tactless when the generous party tries to quantify how generous he or she is being and then try to hold it over the heads of the recipients like a debt. But it doesn't sound like your partner is doing that, exactly. I mean, he's not saying, "I bought you an iPad for Christmas and you only bought me a book. You are not as generous as I am." Right? If he is, that's a different story, but it sounds like this is just a thing that comes up when you get into a big blow-up every now and then and he pulls out all the stops to defend his position in the argument.
I also wondered while reading your question if there is a significant difference in incomes between you. If he is in a position to be more generous with gift-giving and going out to eat, then maybe he feels you should be repaying him with more time or attention.
posted by deathpanels at 10:12 AM on December 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
One suggestion as far as making social plans that only you are going to participate in that you know he is not interested in is... Ask if it's ok.
Now I know that sounds crazy to some people. But whenever my husband or I are making plans that don't involve the other, we make it a habit of "asking." I say this loosely because it is framed as a question "hey, I was thinking of going to happy hour after work Thursday, is that cool?" but our understanding is that the other person will say "of course, have fun!" Unless there is a good reason not to - like we have plans already that the person has forgotten. This makes us both feel like the other isn't just off and doing their own thing and that we are a couple/team and is being considerate of the other person's feelings.
posted by polkadot at 10:13 AM on December 28, 2013 [13 favorites]
Now I know that sounds crazy to some people. But whenever my husband or I are making plans that don't involve the other, we make it a habit of "asking." I say this loosely because it is framed as a question "hey, I was thinking of going to happy hour after work Thursday, is that cool?" but our understanding is that the other person will say "of course, have fun!" Unless there is a good reason not to - like we have plans already that the person has forgotten. This makes us both feel like the other isn't just off and doing their own thing and that we are a couple/team and is being considerate of the other person's feelings.
posted by polkadot at 10:13 AM on December 28, 2013 [13 favorites]
things that matter a lot to me that don't actually effect him that stress him out when I talk about them (like my job, what I'm doing at work).
Why does this stress him out? You should be able to talk about things that are important to you whether or not they affect him. I complain about work pretty regularly and that bugs my husband. He really thinks I should find a new job. But I can still talk to him about it whenever I need to.
And, if I understand correctly, things that you think he won't care about like your own social plans, does matter to him.
It seems like you both need to be more clear on what is important to talk about. FWIW, my husband and I more or less operate on a "if it's important to one, it's important to both" plan. I don't need to tell him every little thing but if I want to, he listens and vice versa.
it would make me feel like I was doing something to improve the situation and deserve him.
As other people have said, this is a dangerous way of thinking. Are you basically a decent person? You don't kick puppies or steal candy from babies? You don't lie, cheat or steal? No? Then you are a deserving person. Try to take this out of the equation altogether.
My SO is a very clear and direct communicator (and can be somewhat harsh, especially when stressed or pissed) and He can name lots of thoughtful things he's done for me in the heat of the moment,
Are you sure you want to write off couple's therapy? Just because it didn't work before doesn't mean it won't work now. It just sounds to me like there is room for improvement on both sides here. You want to change and he has some worrying habits.
But if you don't want to approach it from this angle and just want to "be more thoughtful", maybe it wouldn't hurt to make a list. Not necessarily a list that you check things off of as you accomplish them but maybe just use it as a way to change your habits. Or a way to clarify what "being more thoughtful" means to you and/or him. Maybe as a way to turn that amorphous statement into concrete steps like "say I love you more often" or "say thank you for taking out the trash" or "write a sweet note and leave it on his computer", or "make him a nice dinner", etc.
posted by Beti at 10:28 AM on December 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Why does this stress him out? You should be able to talk about things that are important to you whether or not they affect him. I complain about work pretty regularly and that bugs my husband. He really thinks I should find a new job. But I can still talk to him about it whenever I need to.
And, if I understand correctly, things that you think he won't care about like your own social plans, does matter to him.
It seems like you both need to be more clear on what is important to talk about. FWIW, my husband and I more or less operate on a "if it's important to one, it's important to both" plan. I don't need to tell him every little thing but if I want to, he listens and vice versa.
it would make me feel like I was doing something to improve the situation and deserve him.
As other people have said, this is a dangerous way of thinking. Are you basically a decent person? You don't kick puppies or steal candy from babies? You don't lie, cheat or steal? No? Then you are a deserving person. Try to take this out of the equation altogether.
My SO is a very clear and direct communicator (and can be somewhat harsh, especially when stressed or pissed) and He can name lots of thoughtful things he's done for me in the heat of the moment,
Are you sure you want to write off couple's therapy? Just because it didn't work before doesn't mean it won't work now. It just sounds to me like there is room for improvement on both sides here. You want to change and he has some worrying habits.
But if you don't want to approach it from this angle and just want to "be more thoughtful", maybe it wouldn't hurt to make a list. Not necessarily a list that you check things off of as you accomplish them but maybe just use it as a way to change your habits. Or a way to clarify what "being more thoughtful" means to you and/or him. Maybe as a way to turn that amorphous statement into concrete steps like "say I love you more often" or "say thank you for taking out the trash" or "write a sweet note and leave it on his computer", or "make him a nice dinner", etc.
posted by Beti at 10:28 AM on December 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
anonymous posted">> I do "use up" a lot of my thoughtfulness on people who are less important to me than him - friends, acquaintances, work commitments
Thoughtfulness is not such a limited resource to be "used up." Your being kind or generous-minded to other people is not taking good-thinking-thoughts away from your partner. Time is a limited resource, sure. And if you're taking him for granted and treating him carelessly, that's a problem. But our capacity for thoughtfulness is one of those things that tends to grow, not shrink, the more we use it.
posted by desuetude at 10:35 AM on December 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
Thoughtfulness is not such a limited resource to be "used up." Your being kind or generous-minded to other people is not taking good-thinking-thoughts away from your partner. Time is a limited resource, sure. And if you're taking him for granted and treating him carelessly, that's a problem. But our capacity for thoughtfulness is one of those things that tends to grow, not shrink, the more we use it.
posted by desuetude at 10:35 AM on December 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
I question how "thoughtful" your partner is. As soon he throws in your face all the "thoughtful" things he's done, they seem less thoughtful and more like a bargaining chit.
posted by jayder at 10:46 AM on December 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by jayder at 10:46 AM on December 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
You might read/check out The 5 Love Languages. He may have a different definition of "generous" such that if you don't share that definition, you could be doing lots of things for him that feel generous to you that aren't registering with him.
posted by cecic at 11:04 AM on December 28, 2013
posted by cecic at 11:04 AM on December 28, 2013
Mr. 26.2 is a very thoughtful man. He remembers things like the anniversary of our first date and brings me flowers or a present. He does that because he enjoys doing it, not because he has some giant scorecard in his head.
I try to recognize that my husband is acting out his expectations of our relationship. His expectation is that we plan evenings together, consult about schedules, remember important dates, ask if the other needs something when we're at the store. He's doing what he expects from his partner.
I will admit that I'm just not as good at that type of thing as he is. Therefore, I have put some things into place to help me. I added reminders to my calendar to remember big dates. On Sundays, we schedule our week so we both know the days when I'm travelling. I make sure we have about 30 minutes every night to chat without distractions (tv, computers, books) which surfaces issues. When I'm at the market I pick up things I know he likes. I needed to develop a consistent practice of behaviors which eventually became my habits.
One more thing. The fights and feelings you describe are not the markers of a healthy relationship. You may not be interested in therapy, but you should think about how you can change that.
posted by 26.2 at 11:06 AM on December 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
I try to recognize that my husband is acting out his expectations of our relationship. His expectation is that we plan evenings together, consult about schedules, remember important dates, ask if the other needs something when we're at the store. He's doing what he expects from his partner.
I will admit that I'm just not as good at that type of thing as he is. Therefore, I have put some things into place to help me. I added reminders to my calendar to remember big dates. On Sundays, we schedule our week so we both know the days when I'm travelling. I make sure we have about 30 minutes every night to chat without distractions (tv, computers, books) which surfaces issues. When I'm at the market I pick up things I know he likes. I needed to develop a consistent practice of behaviors which eventually became my habits.
One more thing. The fights and feelings you describe are not the markers of a healthy relationship. You may not be interested in therapy, but you should think about how you can change that.
posted by 26.2 at 11:06 AM on December 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
I was in a relationship with a similar dynamic. My ex was genuinely an extremely thoughtful, generous person. When we got into arguments in times of stress he was quick to list a dozen different ways that he had been more thoughtful than I was, even though I was no slouch at being thoughtful myself. There never seemed to be a way to be thoughtful enough to balance things out.
After we broke up and I had some time and space to reflect, I realized that this was one of several ways he had of maintaining a power dynamic in his favor. If I had a legitimate complaint about how he treated me, for example, he would twist it into "well, I do all these wonderful thoughtful things for you so how dare you complain about how I did this incredibly hurtful thing to you!" It became his way of derailing arguments so that he was "right" and I was "wrong", regardless of what our respective thoughtfulness had to do with the thing we were arguing over.
I don't know what could have been done to address this. My ex had no desire to change or even acknowledge that this was going on since it created situations where he was always the injured party and I was the one who had to work harder to deserve his love. He only admitted that he knew he had written off thoughtful things I had done for him until a year after we broke up, when he was angling to get back together.
posted by fox problems at 1:07 PM on December 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
After we broke up and I had some time and space to reflect, I realized that this was one of several ways he had of maintaining a power dynamic in his favor. If I had a legitimate complaint about how he treated me, for example, he would twist it into "well, I do all these wonderful thoughtful things for you so how dare you complain about how I did this incredibly hurtful thing to you!" It became his way of derailing arguments so that he was "right" and I was "wrong", regardless of what our respective thoughtfulness had to do with the thing we were arguing over.
I don't know what could have been done to address this. My ex had no desire to change or even acknowledge that this was going on since it created situations where he was always the injured party and I was the one who had to work harder to deserve his love. He only admitted that he knew he had written off thoughtful things I had done for him until a year after we broke up, when he was angling to get back together.
posted by fox problems at 1:07 PM on December 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
Keep a tally on a sheet of paper. Not to whip out during arguments, but to get a better sense of what thoughtfulness is to you and whether you are doing it the way you want to be. Then you can rethink the issue with data in hand!
Also, putting aside the argument styles etc. thing, what's the housework/chore-doing breakdown with you guys? If he does all or most, maybe take over one or two things that need to be done every day (so you don't forget). (If you do all or most and he just enjoys the food/cleanliness, well, congratulations, you're actually quite thoughtful.)
posted by No-sword at 2:31 PM on December 28, 2013
Also, putting aside the argument styles etc. thing, what's the housework/chore-doing breakdown with you guys? If he does all or most, maybe take over one or two things that need to be done every day (so you don't forget). (If you do all or most and he just enjoys the food/cleanliness, well, congratulations, you're actually quite thoughtful.)
posted by No-sword at 2:31 PM on December 28, 2013
A lot of what you've said reminds me of me. I've always considered myself a relatively 'thoughtless' person and I've felt really, really bad about it. A lot of it stems from what feels like a bad memory and a lack of attentiveness - opportunities to do things for other people kind of fly by me, and either I only notice them in retrospect or I plan to do them and then forget. Because I'm terrible with logistics, I totally know what you mean about 'using up' thoughtfulness on less important people - it's not the empathy that's in short supply, it's the memory and attention that's taken up by doing these seemingly mundane but somehow all-consuming tasks, like writing a card or buying a present.
This also means that, like you, I am thoughtful in short-term, large doses: if I see an obvious opportunity to help someone, and I know I am capable of doing it, I'll plunge in with great and selfless enthusiasm, in part because I have this nagging, guilty sense of having an unpaid karmic debt towards, well, basically everybody.
Mostly, I have tried to make up for this by being super super friendly and grateful to all the people that I 'owe.' But I have also, recently, begun exploring the possibility of ADHD, and I wonder if that's something you might also want to consider.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 4:32 PM on December 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
This also means that, like you, I am thoughtful in short-term, large doses: if I see an obvious opportunity to help someone, and I know I am capable of doing it, I'll plunge in with great and selfless enthusiasm, in part because I have this nagging, guilty sense of having an unpaid karmic debt towards, well, basically everybody.
Mostly, I have tried to make up for this by being super super friendly and grateful to all the people that I 'owe.' But I have also, recently, begun exploring the possibility of ADHD, and I wonder if that's something you might also want to consider.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 4:32 PM on December 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
When we're fighting, I get really insecure and defensive and paranoid he's going to leave me - or I think maybe he'd be better off without me and then feel guilty about wanting him to stay.I do feel like he is exacerbating those insecurities of yours if he constantly flings in your face incidents of your thoughtlessness. Other people have addressed this very eloquently above so I can only repeat them: his way of keeping score is an argumentative tactic that induces
If he communicates in a way to say "I don't care about/get stressed with you telling me about this work thing that doesn't affect me", and if he communicates in a way to say, "I feel underappreciated because I have done x, y, z for you, what have you done?"—then yes, he's communicating, but he's not being fair to you. Communicating your feelings is not an inherently virtuous habit. There are some things that breed resentment, insecurity, bitterness, and sadness by being said. Some things don't need to be said, some things could be broached in a way that doesn't put the other person on the defensive/casts them as a guilty party. You mentioned that this was a make-it-or-break-it issue in his previous relationships. Please consider if it's because he was being too upfront about his feelings without considering how saying these things would affect others.
As others have noted, the fact that he can remember instances of thoughtfulness and you can't doesn't intrinsically say anything about how thoughtful you are being relative to him. It's just an effective argumentative tactic to have a memory for offenses. I've done this (when I was younger and still finessing how I communicated with loved ones). I've thrown things back in people's faces and it's not that I was more right, but that I was more prepared for the argument, and willing to commit small points of contention to memory so I could sulk about them and bring them up in a situation where I could inflict maximum guilt.
That sounds kind of horrible and extreme, and I'm sure your boyfriend is not intentionally thinking, "I'm doing these behaviors to be unfair". But I think it's easy to pick up unfair ways of thinking about people or relationships or keeping score or settling disputes, and it sounds like he is doing that. Maybe you could also be more thoughtful. But I think you should frame this issue as a problem that both of you are contributing to. It's not just on you.
Some specific suggestions:
And I'm trying to communicate, but there are things I feel like don't matter and things that matter a lot to me that don't actually effect him that stress him out when I talk about them…My thoughtlessness is less about big, dramatic and more about not taking his needs into consideration when I make choices on my own in little/ongoing mattersHe should: be more patient and willing to listen to things that matter to you but have little meaning to him. Your well-being has meaning to him—that's why you patiently sit and listen to stuff you don't care about with people you do care about. (Also—it sounds like he's getting frustrated that when you make independent choices you don't give him a heads-up or check if it affects him (maybe along the line of "You chose to go to this work event but I haven't seen you in weeks so it's taking time away" for him?). But the most effective way to let him know about all these small decisions is to be able to talk to him about the things that don't matter, the small things that are hiding small frustrations.)
You should: check your assumptions of what matters enough to say and what doesn't, and ask him if necessary. Figure out his particular needs/concerns (e.g. "time together", "doing x
When we're doing good in other aspects of life, I feel like we're in a good rhythm, but when one of us is (or both of us are) stressed, he gets resentful and I start forgetting to be thoughtful, communicative, etc. which leads to more stress and all that.He should: be less resentful and let go of the idea of keeping score, and recognize that you are sincere in your care for him even if it's not clearly demonstrated. He should also find a way to communicate outside of an argument when he is feeling neglected or when he would really prefer if you made some small gesture of appreciation and fondness.
You should: be conscious that tiny thoughtful actions and tiny ways of keeping him in the loop matter greatly to him, and find ways to fulfill his need for that. It could be that he really wants more validation/recognition for the thoughtful things he does, so you could also see if you can be more proactive about that.
posted by Sudo at 5:11 PM on December 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you do want to learn to be more thoughtful, remember that there's a reason the word is derived from the verb "to think". Try to get into the habit every day of spending some time thinking about him, in the sense of trying to figure out what he needs that day, or what would make him happy. I bet if you spend ten minutes in the morning thinking about this, you'll come up with something you can do for him that day that will really help him out.
For example, you might remember that he said he was going to be really busy at work that day and get home late and stressed. So maybe you give him a brief shoulder rub before he leaves the house and promise a longer one when he gets home. Or maybe you deal with some little chore that he would otherwise have to do that evening.
Or you might recall that he said he was dreading calling the phone company about a mistake in his bill, so you do it for him.
Or you might realise that he forgot to make his lunch the night before like he usually does, so you get up 20 minutes earlier and make him a sandwich.
If you aren't as naturally "thoughtful" as him, these things might not just pop into your head to do, but if you get into the habit of deliberating about possible things you could do for him, then I think it will get easier. The key is that they should be things that say that you remember what is going on in his life, or things he has said to you, not just random acts of kindness (although those are good too, if you can't think of anything else.)
posted by lollusc at 6:24 PM on December 28, 2013
For example, you might remember that he said he was going to be really busy at work that day and get home late and stressed. So maybe you give him a brief shoulder rub before he leaves the house and promise a longer one when he gets home. Or maybe you deal with some little chore that he would otherwise have to do that evening.
Or you might recall that he said he was dreading calling the phone company about a mistake in his bill, so you do it for him.
Or you might realise that he forgot to make his lunch the night before like he usually does, so you get up 20 minutes earlier and make him a sandwich.
If you aren't as naturally "thoughtful" as him, these things might not just pop into your head to do, but if you get into the habit of deliberating about possible things you could do for him, then I think it will get easier. The key is that they should be things that say that you remember what is going on in his life, or things he has said to you, not just random acts of kindness (although those are good too, if you can't think of anything else.)
posted by lollusc at 6:24 PM on December 28, 2013
I see multiple possible scenarios here.
One is certainly that he's giving too much, out of his own issues, and needs to pare back to a level that won't leave him feeling resentful.
One is that he is a gues person and you are an ask person, and maybe you could bridge the difference by asking him, maybe even on a daily basis, 'what can I do now to make you feel loved?'
One is that you've gotten into a habit of putting more energy into strangers than into family, and you can work on treating him at least as well if not better than you would treat a brand new acquaintance.
It's really hard to know what's going on. It may well be a mix. But if you've generally observed about yourself that you could be more considerate, it's certainly an excellent practice to try. You could think about what you might do if here were a guest in your home, for example, or a higher up visiting the office.
posted by Salamandrous at 4:53 PM on December 29, 2013
One is certainly that he's giving too much, out of his own issues, and needs to pare back to a level that won't leave him feeling resentful.
One is that he is a gues person and you are an ask person, and maybe you could bridge the difference by asking him, maybe even on a daily basis, 'what can I do now to make you feel loved?'
One is that you've gotten into a habit of putting more energy into strangers than into family, and you can work on treating him at least as well if not better than you would treat a brand new acquaintance.
It's really hard to know what's going on. It may well be a mix. But if you've generally observed about yourself that you could be more considerate, it's certainly an excellent practice to try. You could think about what you might do if here were a guest in your home, for example, or a higher up visiting the office.
posted by Salamandrous at 4:53 PM on December 29, 2013
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posted by michaelh at 9:29 AM on December 28, 2013 [1 favorite]