Getting over a love and hate relationship with a womanizer
November 17, 2013 6:13 PM Subscribe
I dated a guy, on and off, for more than two years... He didn't commit and even slept with other women while he was sleeping with me. I still loved him but hated him at the same time. I tried to get my revenge but I don't know what to feel anymore.
I guess the best way to describe us would be lovers. We in no doubt loved each other, but weren't committed to each other. At first I didn't want to commit as I had just gotten out of a relationship and I told him so. When I started wanting a relationship, he said he wasn't ready to commit as he wasn't in the right stage in his life. But we told each other we were exclusive (in the sense that we were sleeping together and it would be unsafe otherwise).
We had many emotional breakups throughout these two years. All of them were initiated by me, because I couldn't take it anymore that he didn't want to make me his girlfriend. One time was when I looked through his phone, and he was talking to other girls. We talked about it on the phone all night until dawn for 4 hours. He didn't have any excuses. He knew anything he said would sound like an excuse. He said "would you believe me if I said you were my favourite". Both of us were crying at one point. That was one breakup. Another breakup was when he told me he feels like he needs to prove himself by dating many women and he finds it hard to turn women down when he gets hit on by women. This breakup ended with both of us being emotional, and him telling me he loves me. (I can count the times where we exchanged 'I love you's in one hand over the two years... he didn't use it lightly) We've "broken up" so many times I lost count, but all the breakups went similarly.
It's like we had some kind of intense magnet in us towards each other. We kept coming back to each other, even after not talking to each other for months. We alway had this extremely intense sexual attraction towards each other that never faded. When we spent time together, which was usually late at night in his bed as we both have really busy lives, it was like magic.
But I couldn't handle it. I became resentful. I was hurting all the time. I felt pathetic that I was still seeing him after he "cheated" on me with so many other girls, and he still wasn't willing to commit. I started to hate him and love him at the same time. I wanted to get back at him, by making him get attached to me and dumping him.
Our relationship started getting deeper. Here, I'm not sure if I was doing these things to get back at him (out of hate) or I was doing it because I truly meant it (out of love). I think it was both. I started complimenting him a lot more - calling him the sexiest man on earth. I stopped showing my weak, needy side. We spent even more amazing times together. He started to call me more often, and started saying things like how incredible I am, a lot more than before. During this period, we had a pregnancy scare, and he told me that he was actually excited to be a dad and that he was ready to have a child with me. I also told him that I would marry him.
Then one day, out of nowhere, I sent him a message that I can't do a relationship like this no matter how I try, and that there are so many other guys who I can date who wants me and that I wanted him because I had something to prove. Then I told him to not contact me. Not even on birthdays or anything, that I know he will always be special to me so I don't need reminders. (He told me he messages his ex who were important to him in his life happy birthday every year. During my birthday, we weren't seeing each other, and he did the same)
He told me to go to hell and that he won't ever contact me again. He was really angry.
That was it. We've never talked this way to each other before. I don't know what to feel anymore.
I know he has other women right now to keep him occupied. But I just hope he's hurting.. and that I hurt him. I know it's such a horrible thing to say but he hurt me so much and I'm still so hurt and it wouldn't be fair if he was not even giving a fuck about me, just sleeping with other women.
How do I get over this? I know I made mistakes... But I'm so emotionally swept that I don't know if what I did was way out of hand and harsh or if he deserved 100% of it. Did I go too far or did he deserve all this? I know it's over and I don't expect anything from it anymore. But I still love him and miss him and hate him at the same time. I keep going back between the two... I just want to get some advice on how to get over such an emotionally confusing relationship and an outsider's perspective on what happened. Thanks for reading such a long post.
I guess the best way to describe us would be lovers. We in no doubt loved each other, but weren't committed to each other. At first I didn't want to commit as I had just gotten out of a relationship and I told him so. When I started wanting a relationship, he said he wasn't ready to commit as he wasn't in the right stage in his life. But we told each other we were exclusive (in the sense that we were sleeping together and it would be unsafe otherwise).
We had many emotional breakups throughout these two years. All of them were initiated by me, because I couldn't take it anymore that he didn't want to make me his girlfriend. One time was when I looked through his phone, and he was talking to other girls. We talked about it on the phone all night until dawn for 4 hours. He didn't have any excuses. He knew anything he said would sound like an excuse. He said "would you believe me if I said you were my favourite". Both of us were crying at one point. That was one breakup. Another breakup was when he told me he feels like he needs to prove himself by dating many women and he finds it hard to turn women down when he gets hit on by women. This breakup ended with both of us being emotional, and him telling me he loves me. (I can count the times where we exchanged 'I love you's in one hand over the two years... he didn't use it lightly) We've "broken up" so many times I lost count, but all the breakups went similarly.
It's like we had some kind of intense magnet in us towards each other. We kept coming back to each other, even after not talking to each other for months. We alway had this extremely intense sexual attraction towards each other that never faded. When we spent time together, which was usually late at night in his bed as we both have really busy lives, it was like magic.
But I couldn't handle it. I became resentful. I was hurting all the time. I felt pathetic that I was still seeing him after he "cheated" on me with so many other girls, and he still wasn't willing to commit. I started to hate him and love him at the same time. I wanted to get back at him, by making him get attached to me and dumping him.
Our relationship started getting deeper. Here, I'm not sure if I was doing these things to get back at him (out of hate) or I was doing it because I truly meant it (out of love). I think it was both. I started complimenting him a lot more - calling him the sexiest man on earth. I stopped showing my weak, needy side. We spent even more amazing times together. He started to call me more often, and started saying things like how incredible I am, a lot more than before. During this period, we had a pregnancy scare, and he told me that he was actually excited to be a dad and that he was ready to have a child with me. I also told him that I would marry him.
Then one day, out of nowhere, I sent him a message that I can't do a relationship like this no matter how I try, and that there are so many other guys who I can date who wants me and that I wanted him because I had something to prove. Then I told him to not contact me. Not even on birthdays or anything, that I know he will always be special to me so I don't need reminders. (He told me he messages his ex who were important to him in his life happy birthday every year. During my birthday, we weren't seeing each other, and he did the same)
He told me to go to hell and that he won't ever contact me again. He was really angry.
That was it. We've never talked this way to each other before. I don't know what to feel anymore.
I know he has other women right now to keep him occupied. But I just hope he's hurting.. and that I hurt him. I know it's such a horrible thing to say but he hurt me so much and I'm still so hurt and it wouldn't be fair if he was not even giving a fuck about me, just sleeping with other women.
How do I get over this? I know I made mistakes... But I'm so emotionally swept that I don't know if what I did was way out of hand and harsh or if he deserved 100% of it. Did I go too far or did he deserve all this? I know it's over and I don't expect anything from it anymore. But I still love him and miss him and hate him at the same time. I keep going back between the two... I just want to get some advice on how to get over such an emotionally confusing relationship and an outsider's perspective on what happened. Thanks for reading such a long post.
Delete or block his number.
posted by oceanjesse at 6:32 PM on November 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by oceanjesse at 6:32 PM on November 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Did I go too far or did he deserve all this?
I'm inclined to say you went too far.
How do I get over this?
See above.
posted by mazola at 6:33 PM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm inclined to say you went too far.
How do I get over this?
See above.
posted by mazola at 6:33 PM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yeeesh. Girlfriend, every time you break up with him, it's your Wise Mind telling you - GET OUT, GET OUT! The pregnancy scare SHOULD indeed be scary - imagine bringing a child to your at best complicated, at worst dysfunctional lives. After he's cheated and admitted he has no control whatsoever over his libido, you say you'll marry him?
Every time you've broken up, it's because you know this relationship sucks for you. That's exactly what happened this time. Your conscience told you to GTFO, this isn't healthy. Listen to it, even if it hurts. And his "I love you"s may have been relatively rare, but they're still meaningless if he treats you badly and cheats on you. Sorry about your feelings, but you need to move on.
posted by rhythm_queen at 6:33 PM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Every time you've broken up, it's because you know this relationship sucks for you. That's exactly what happened this time. Your conscience told you to GTFO, this isn't healthy. Listen to it, even if it hurts. And his "I love you"s may have been relatively rare, but they're still meaningless if he treats you badly and cheats on you. Sorry about your feelings, but you need to move on.
posted by rhythm_queen at 6:33 PM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
And yes. I give you permission to believe, rightfully so, that he did deserve this. Wait...what did he deserve? That you set yourself some healthy boundaries? Fuck him. Live your life and find someone to be in a healthy relationship with.
posted by rhythm_queen at 6:35 PM on November 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by rhythm_queen at 6:35 PM on November 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
You engaged in loads of drama, and now you have the misery that goes along with drama. 'Reap what you sow' and all. Same goes for him.
Get over it by distancing yourself from useless crap like actively wanting to hurt another person. This whole thing is very depressing to read -- two insecure people work to make each other more insecure and more miserable instead of forging a meaningful relationship, ouch. Just go forward feeling good about how you've learned a valuable lesson and now you need never ever do this to yourself and others again.
posted by kmennie at 6:47 PM on November 17, 2013 [19 favorites]
Get over it by distancing yourself from useless crap like actively wanting to hurt another person. This whole thing is very depressing to read -- two insecure people work to make each other more insecure and more miserable instead of forging a meaningful relationship, ouch. Just go forward feeling good about how you've learned a valuable lesson and now you need never ever do this to yourself and others again.
posted by kmennie at 6:47 PM on November 17, 2013 [19 favorites]
Your relationship only started getting deeper when you suppressed your own personality and desires and tried to become what he 'wanted'. Which you were doing over the entire course of your relationship. Which only brought you misery. That was your primary mistake. Regardless of the rightness of how you broke it off with him, getting out of that cycle was absolutely the correct thing to do.
As for how to get over it? Stay the course. Maintain no-contact. Right now you miss him and you're going to start convincing yourself that it wasn't so bad, that the good times were good enough to make up for the bad times. But there's this: "I was hurting all the time. I felt pathetic..." A relationship where you feel like that is not one worth keeping, or going back to, or remembering fondly.
Use this time to make friends with yourself again. Enjoy doing things because you actually enjoy them. Hang out with your friends, start some new hobbies, eventually start dating again, and appreciate the fact that this great source of stress in your life is now gone.
posted by roshy at 7:03 PM on November 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
As for how to get over it? Stay the course. Maintain no-contact. Right now you miss him and you're going to start convincing yourself that it wasn't so bad, that the good times were good enough to make up for the bad times. But there's this: "I was hurting all the time. I felt pathetic..." A relationship where you feel like that is not one worth keeping, or going back to, or remembering fondly.
Use this time to make friends with yourself again. Enjoy doing things because you actually enjoy them. Hang out with your friends, start some new hobbies, eventually start dating again, and appreciate the fact that this great source of stress in your life is now gone.
posted by roshy at 7:03 PM on November 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
I am not a professional of any stripe, but he sounds like a narcissist, or at least really into himself.
He said "would you believe me if I said you were my favourite".
Gag.
Another breakup was when he told me he feels like he needs to prove himself by dating many women and he finds it hard to turn women down when he gets hit on by women.
As the old adage goes, "when people tell you who they are, believe them." There are plenty of guys out there who don't need to prove their worth to themselves by fucking everything that moves! A person who is in a healthy emotional and mental place does not need to "prove himself" to anyone.
This breakup ended with both of us being emotional, and him telling me he loves me. (I can count the times where we exchanged 'I love you's in one hand over the two years... he didn't use it lightly) We've "broken up" so many times I lost count, but all the breakups went similarly.
I could be wrong, but it sounds like he was using "I love you"s as a proverbial carrot at the end of a stick. It was this breakup that he admitted his fatal flaw to you and once he realized this, he was pulling out all stops to make sure you didn't get wise to that and leave him.
He told me he messages his ex who were important to him in his life happy birthday every year.
Ugh. And who says they still want to hear from that asshole? Do you know if he is still on good terms with any of those exes? Or are those birthday texts perhaps to get a reaction from someone when he feels so impotent inside?
Then one day, out of nowhere, I sent him a message that I can't do a relationship like this no matter how I try, and that there are so many other guys who I can date who wants me and that I wanted him because I had something to prove. . . . He told me to go to hell and that he won't ever contact me again. He was really angry.
He was really angry because you beat him at his own game and there is no pulling you back in. He wanted you because he had something to prove and, in this unhealthy dynamic, you began to want him, only to try and make him feel all the pain and heartache you feel that he had given you.
I think this was a really unhealthy relationship in which you both contributed to the dysfunction. From what you wrote, it sounds like you spent two years seeking validation from him and getting a high of the times that you were successful. Now that he is out of your life, it sounds like you don't know what to do, because he took up so much of your emotional energy and time before.
No, I don't think you were too harsh. It sounds like you spoke to him in a reasonable manner about your feelings and that you're feeling unsure because of his extreme reaction to it. You love him and miss him and hate him because you just broke up and this time it is likely it's for good. You were living for this guy; it seems only natural that your emotions would be short circuiting at his absence.
Have you thought about seeing a therapist to gain some insight on the relationships that you choose for yourself? Whatever you choose to do, now is the time to start taking care of you. Forget about this guy. Start living your life. Pick up a hobby you always wanted to try or that you used to enjoy but never had time for. Start volunteering maybe. Hang out with friends you haven't seen in a while. But don't start looking for another guy to date until you can stand on your own two feet, more or less contentedly; it would be a disservice to yourself to be doing otherwise. It's going to suck because he was constantly in your life for two years and whatever part wasn't taken up by him, was taken up by drama. Throw yourself head-first into life. It's going to be new, it's going to be scary, but it will be worth it in the end.
Wishing you the best.
posted by sevenofspades at 7:07 PM on November 17, 2013 [9 favorites]
He said "would you believe me if I said you were my favourite".
Gag.
Another breakup was when he told me he feels like he needs to prove himself by dating many women and he finds it hard to turn women down when he gets hit on by women.
As the old adage goes, "when people tell you who they are, believe them." There are plenty of guys out there who don't need to prove their worth to themselves by fucking everything that moves! A person who is in a healthy emotional and mental place does not need to "prove himself" to anyone.
This breakup ended with both of us being emotional, and him telling me he loves me. (I can count the times where we exchanged 'I love you's in one hand over the two years... he didn't use it lightly) We've "broken up" so many times I lost count, but all the breakups went similarly.
I could be wrong, but it sounds like he was using "I love you"s as a proverbial carrot at the end of a stick. It was this breakup that he admitted his fatal flaw to you and once he realized this, he was pulling out all stops to make sure you didn't get wise to that and leave him.
He told me he messages his ex who were important to him in his life happy birthday every year.
Ugh. And who says they still want to hear from that asshole? Do you know if he is still on good terms with any of those exes? Or are those birthday texts perhaps to get a reaction from someone when he feels so impotent inside?
Then one day, out of nowhere, I sent him a message that I can't do a relationship like this no matter how I try, and that there are so many other guys who I can date who wants me and that I wanted him because I had something to prove. . . . He told me to go to hell and that he won't ever contact me again. He was really angry.
He was really angry because you beat him at his own game and there is no pulling you back in. He wanted you because he had something to prove and, in this unhealthy dynamic, you began to want him, only to try and make him feel all the pain and heartache you feel that he had given you.
I think this was a really unhealthy relationship in which you both contributed to the dysfunction. From what you wrote, it sounds like you spent two years seeking validation from him and getting a high of the times that you were successful. Now that he is out of your life, it sounds like you don't know what to do, because he took up so much of your emotional energy and time before.
No, I don't think you were too harsh. It sounds like you spoke to him in a reasonable manner about your feelings and that you're feeling unsure because of his extreme reaction to it. You love him and miss him and hate him because you just broke up and this time it is likely it's for good. You were living for this guy; it seems only natural that your emotions would be short circuiting at his absence.
Have you thought about seeing a therapist to gain some insight on the relationships that you choose for yourself? Whatever you choose to do, now is the time to start taking care of you. Forget about this guy. Start living your life. Pick up a hobby you always wanted to try or that you used to enjoy but never had time for. Start volunteering maybe. Hang out with friends you haven't seen in a while. But don't start looking for another guy to date until you can stand on your own two feet, more or less contentedly; it would be a disservice to yourself to be doing otherwise. It's going to suck because he was constantly in your life for two years and whatever part wasn't taken up by him, was taken up by drama. Throw yourself head-first into life. It's going to be new, it's going to be scary, but it will be worth it in the end.
Wishing you the best.
posted by sevenofspades at 7:07 PM on November 17, 2013 [9 favorites]
Stop self-mythologizing.
"I loved him. I hated him...I got revenge...it's like we had some kind of intense magnet in us towards each other...I hope he's hurting...and that I hurt him...I love him, I miss him, I hate him..."
It's like a Telemundo soap opera up in here. I can't read your post without imagining you as some stunning, pouty-faced starlet in a slinky red dress, her hand flung melodramatically across her forehead.
I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm saying it because as long as this High Drama and Doomed Romance narrative is compelling to you, you're going to keep going back to it; it's going to keep giving you something that you need. Maybe it helps convince you that all the pain was worth it, or that you had more power in the relationship than you actually did.
Either way, you need to rewrite this in your head. You were in a cruddy off-again on again relationship with a guy who didn't want to commit and eventually you did the right thing and ended it. You can trade in the romance for some self-compassion. This sounds really hard. Time will make it better. And when you find someone who is actually kind to you, what you lose in intensity you will make up in happiness.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:19 PM on November 17, 2013 [27 favorites]
"I loved him. I hated him...I got revenge...it's like we had some kind of intense magnet in us towards each other...I hope he's hurting...and that I hurt him...I love him, I miss him, I hate him..."
It's like a Telemundo soap opera up in here. I can't read your post without imagining you as some stunning, pouty-faced starlet in a slinky red dress, her hand flung melodramatically across her forehead.
I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm saying it because as long as this High Drama and Doomed Romance narrative is compelling to you, you're going to keep going back to it; it's going to keep giving you something that you need. Maybe it helps convince you that all the pain was worth it, or that you had more power in the relationship than you actually did.
Either way, you need to rewrite this in your head. You were in a cruddy off-again on again relationship with a guy who didn't want to commit and eventually you did the right thing and ended it. You can trade in the romance for some self-compassion. This sounds really hard. Time will make it better. And when you find someone who is actually kind to you, what you lose in intensity you will make up in happiness.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:19 PM on November 17, 2013 [27 favorites]
Saying this as somebody who has obsessed over romantic relationships, I find it helpful to get over myself when I remind myself of how lame it is for a non-teenager to pour so much energy into relationships when there is so much more in the world and life that is equally (if not more) fulfilling and interesting. I zoom out, visualize the world filled with people conquering mountains, building bridges, milking cows, delivering babies, and then to see myself lying in bed playing out this epic love story in my head...just makes me laugh and get off my bed to be productive.
posted by 01080591 at 8:03 PM on November 17, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by 01080591 at 8:03 PM on November 17, 2013 [7 favorites]
memail me if you really want more details, but the bottom line is that you should probably see a psychologist because the long term solution is to do a lot of introspection. i don't want to get into it here because i don't want it to seem like i'm attacking you, but this is a prime example of a part of your post that made me come to my conclusion:
Then one day, out of nowhere, I sent him a message that I can't do a relationship like this no matter how I try, and that there are so many other guys who I can date who wants me and that I wanted him because I had something to prove.
to me, it sounds like you were on the whole enjoying your relationship with him at that point, but then you self-destructed the relationship. i don't think you'll ever get over your feelings for him without, at least in part, having some understanding about why you did that.
posted by cupcake1337 at 8:12 PM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Then one day, out of nowhere, I sent him a message that I can't do a relationship like this no matter how I try, and that there are so many other guys who I can date who wants me and that I wanted him because I had something to prove.
to me, it sounds like you were on the whole enjoying your relationship with him at that point, but then you self-destructed the relationship. i don't think you'll ever get over your feelings for him without, at least in part, having some understanding about why you did that.
posted by cupcake1337 at 8:12 PM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
You have a really damaging desire to be involved somehow with someone who makes you feel revulsion, anger, and self-loathing.
You deserve to have YOU treat you better. Forget him; he's worthless and unimportant, and the sooner you can realize this, the better. I don't mean he's worthless as a human being... he's just a tool you're using to hurt yourself. And who needs that? No one. Not you!
Stop cutting yourself with this stupid tool. Start telling yourself - literally, in the mirror, using your name to address yourself - "Sedulous, you don't want to be with him. He makes you feel worse than just being alone. You're pretty awesome. It's OK to just be alone with Sedulous right now. So don't settle for a schmuck."
It's all true.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:23 PM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
You deserve to have YOU treat you better. Forget him; he's worthless and unimportant, and the sooner you can realize this, the better. I don't mean he's worthless as a human being... he's just a tool you're using to hurt yourself. And who needs that? No one. Not you!
Stop cutting yourself with this stupid tool. Start telling yourself - literally, in the mirror, using your name to address yourself - "Sedulous, you don't want to be with him. He makes you feel worse than just being alone. You're pretty awesome. It's OK to just be alone with Sedulous right now. So don't settle for a schmuck."
It's all true.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:23 PM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I know you want to believe he loved you, but that really, really wasn't love. I know making it seem like it was love might make it seem less gross or make him seem less gross, and crying seems like a show of real emotion for him, but I'm thinking it was more of a manipulative/feeling sorry for himself kind of cry.
He's really messed up. Cut him out of your life. You've been manipulated by a guy who enjoys being a con artist.
posted by discopolo at 10:46 PM on November 17, 2013
He's really messed up. Cut him out of your life. You've been manipulated by a guy who enjoys being a con artist.
posted by discopolo at 10:46 PM on November 17, 2013
Also, this guy---you'll never understand him. That kind of guy isn't capable of being loyal or actually bonding with women. He bases his self worth on getting attention from women. He sounds narcissistic or afraid of true intimacy or whatever. Maybe he's a sex addict, maybe he wishes he could have a harem. Who knows?
Don't waste any more energy figuring out what his damage is. Love yourself, protect yourself, and don't let messed up bozos like Mr Crocodile Tears ruin your shot at having a happy and healthy life.
posted by discopolo at 10:51 PM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Don't waste any more energy figuring out what his damage is. Love yourself, protect yourself, and don't let messed up bozos like Mr Crocodile Tears ruin your shot at having a happy and healthy life.
posted by discopolo at 10:51 PM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
i do think you went too far. intentionally hurting another person is just not cool. i think it would be good to get some therapy and learn to value yourself and set boundaries when others mistreat you instead of trying to get back at them. a whole lot of exercise would be good too to get out that anger.
posted by wildflower at 12:21 AM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by wildflower at 12:21 AM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Your relationship sounds shitty, juvenile and not in the least romantic. Good for you for putting a stop to it.
As for going too far, no, you didn't go too far in ending it with him. You could have done so without deliberately hurting him in the process, but I say that more because it is bad for you to have done this than because it is bad for him.
The only way to get over it is to wait it out. It's gonna feel terrible for a long time. I mean months. Just feel your feelings and wait for it to pass.
posted by tel3path at 2:56 AM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
As for going too far, no, you didn't go too far in ending it with him. You could have done so without deliberately hurting him in the process, but I say that more because it is bad for you to have done this than because it is bad for him.
The only way to get over it is to wait it out. It's gonna feel terrible for a long time. I mean months. Just feel your feelings and wait for it to pass.
posted by tel3path at 2:56 AM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
i am sorry you are going through this. been there.
"when we spent time together, which was usually late at night in his bed as we both have really busy lives" sorry, this actually happened because he wanted to fuck you without the trouble of dating you exclusively or having a relationship with you. if he had been interested enough, "busy" wouldn't matter, he'd find time to see you during daylight hours for non-fucking purposes, and he would stop talking to other women then trying to placate you with "you're my favorite."
gently let go of the myth that you're meant to be together in some dramatic way. all this seems to have happened because you had a good sex/pheromone match with him, causing the sexual attraction to be there...but that doesn't change that he's emotionally totally unavailable. and he behaved in a deceptive, unkind way toward you. then you got mad and wanted revenge. there's nothing star-crossed and loving about this, it's just really, really dysfunctional.
block his number, take it out of the contacts on your phone, delete him off your social networks, and put a filter on his email address so the messages don't go to your inbox. get a calendar and put a sticker on it every day you go without talking to him. in a couple of months you'll start to feel much better.
stop all contact and force yourself to do one thing a week for self growth. go to your therapist appointment. prepare a nice meal for yourself. seek validation in other ways: by getting good at a hobby, by spending time with close friends, by praying if you do that, by being with your family, by volunteering in your community. as you focus on doing these things you will meet someone else who is more emotionally available and won't be unkind to you. the difference will be like night and day because you will safe in addition to feeling attracted to him.
be honest with yourself: you want someone whom you're really into, who's really into you, and you want to be his ONLY - not his favorite among others. then look for someone who wants that with you, and don't settle for anyone else like this guy you wrote to us about.
posted by zdravo at 4:42 AM on November 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
"when we spent time together, which was usually late at night in his bed as we both have really busy lives" sorry, this actually happened because he wanted to fuck you without the trouble of dating you exclusively or having a relationship with you. if he had been interested enough, "busy" wouldn't matter, he'd find time to see you during daylight hours for non-fucking purposes, and he would stop talking to other women then trying to placate you with "you're my favorite."
gently let go of the myth that you're meant to be together in some dramatic way. all this seems to have happened because you had a good sex/pheromone match with him, causing the sexual attraction to be there...but that doesn't change that he's emotionally totally unavailable. and he behaved in a deceptive, unkind way toward you. then you got mad and wanted revenge. there's nothing star-crossed and loving about this, it's just really, really dysfunctional.
block his number, take it out of the contacts on your phone, delete him off your social networks, and put a filter on his email address so the messages don't go to your inbox. get a calendar and put a sticker on it every day you go without talking to him. in a couple of months you'll start to feel much better.
stop all contact and force yourself to do one thing a week for self growth. go to your therapist appointment. prepare a nice meal for yourself. seek validation in other ways: by getting good at a hobby, by spending time with close friends, by praying if you do that, by being with your family, by volunteering in your community. as you focus on doing these things you will meet someone else who is more emotionally available and won't be unkind to you. the difference will be like night and day because you will safe in addition to feeling attracted to him.
be honest with yourself: you want someone whom you're really into, who's really into you, and you want to be his ONLY - not his favorite among others. then look for someone who wants that with you, and don't settle for anyone else like this guy you wrote to us about.
posted by zdravo at 4:42 AM on November 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
Wow, that's a lot of Dramaz. You must really love pining, feeling shitty and screwing a guy who has ZERO feelings for you.
BTW, that's not passion, that's high level dysfunction.
You need to block him in every blockable way. Although don't be surprised if you find a single red rose with a cryptic note tucked under your windshield wiper one day.
This guy thrived on your always being available to him, and kept you on your toes because you thrive on the unknown.
The reason gambling is so addictive isn't because you win, it's addictive because you lose so frequently.
Stop gambling with your love and emotions. Just stop!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:04 AM on November 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
BTW, that's not passion, that's high level dysfunction.
You need to block him in every blockable way. Although don't be surprised if you find a single red rose with a cryptic note tucked under your windshield wiper one day.
This guy thrived on your always being available to him, and kept you on your toes because you thrive on the unknown.
The reason gambling is so addictive isn't because you win, it's addictive because you lose so frequently.
Stop gambling with your love and emotions. Just stop!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:04 AM on November 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
The best relationship advice I've ever heard is this: "'The One' isn't a person. It's a relationship".
The two of you are not soulmates by definition because you weren't able to create a functional relationship that worked for both of you.
Were you too hard on him? Eh, I've had worse things said to me at the end of relationships that were many times healthier than yours. Sometimes a little animosity is necessary to create a clean break. Don't beat yourself up, but don't let yourself get consumed by negative emotions. Focus on you, not him.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 11:33 AM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
The two of you are not soulmates by definition because you weren't able to create a functional relationship that worked for both of you.
Were you too hard on him? Eh, I've had worse things said to me at the end of relationships that were many times healthier than yours. Sometimes a little animosity is necessary to create a clean break. Don't beat yourself up, but don't let yourself get consumed by negative emotions. Focus on you, not him.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 11:33 AM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
There isn't always a Good Guy and a Bad Guy in a relationship breakup. Sometimes, both people were the Bad Guy, doing shitty things to one another. Maybe he deserved it, maybe you did, maybe you both did.
I'm not trying to judge you. Or him, for that matter. I think we're all partially just a set of responses programmed into us by our experiences. We still have free will too, which is going to come in useful for you right now.
The first thing you need to do is cut this guy out of your life completely. Don't just block his number, delete it so you can't call him. Ask mutual friends not to talk to you about him, and don't ask them about him. This guy is now a stranger to you. He doesn't exist as far as you're concerned.
Then, spend some time thinking about what it was you wanted out of the relationship, and compare that with what you actually got. When you know what you want from a relationship, you can go out there and get it. You might find the concept of the 5 Whys helpful. You ask yourself why you did something, then ask why of the answer. Do this 5 times. Eg:
"Why did I go to work today?"
Because I want to keep this job.
"Why do I want to keep this job?"
Because it's how I pay my bills.
"Why do I want to pay my bills?"
So I don't end up homeless and destitute.
"Why don't I want to end up homeless and destitute?"
Because that will cause me a lot of suffering.
Doing this can really help you figure out why you engage in the behaviours that you engage in. When you know why you do something, you're in a position to make a change.
Look for other ways to get what you want, too. Don't rely on your lone sexual partner to fulfil all of your emotional needs, because that's a massive amount of pressure for one person to handle. If you want companionship, make some new friends. If you want some physical contact, go get a haircut or a massage. If you want someone to go to the cinema with, make a friend.
One thing that stood out to me from your post is you saying that you loved him and hated him at the same time. Are you sure you weren't simply attached to him, in the emotional sense? Love and hate are both emotions of attachment. I'm having a hard time seeing how an individual can love and hate something/someone simultaneously. It sounds like you have an anxious attachment type which would be made worse by him drawing away, and especially by him forming sexual relationships with other individuals.
posted by Solomon at 12:49 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm not trying to judge you. Or him, for that matter. I think we're all partially just a set of responses programmed into us by our experiences. We still have free will too, which is going to come in useful for you right now.
The first thing you need to do is cut this guy out of your life completely. Don't just block his number, delete it so you can't call him. Ask mutual friends not to talk to you about him, and don't ask them about him. This guy is now a stranger to you. He doesn't exist as far as you're concerned.
Then, spend some time thinking about what it was you wanted out of the relationship, and compare that with what you actually got. When you know what you want from a relationship, you can go out there and get it. You might find the concept of the 5 Whys helpful. You ask yourself why you did something, then ask why of the answer. Do this 5 times. Eg:
"Why did I go to work today?"
Because I want to keep this job.
"Why do I want to keep this job?"
Because it's how I pay my bills.
"Why do I want to pay my bills?"
So I don't end up homeless and destitute.
"Why don't I want to end up homeless and destitute?"
Because that will cause me a lot of suffering.
Doing this can really help you figure out why you engage in the behaviours that you engage in. When you know why you do something, you're in a position to make a change.
Look for other ways to get what you want, too. Don't rely on your lone sexual partner to fulfil all of your emotional needs, because that's a massive amount of pressure for one person to handle. If you want companionship, make some new friends. If you want some physical contact, go get a haircut or a massage. If you want someone to go to the cinema with, make a friend.
One thing that stood out to me from your post is you saying that you loved him and hated him at the same time. Are you sure you weren't simply attached to him, in the emotional sense? Love and hate are both emotions of attachment. I'm having a hard time seeing how an individual can love and hate something/someone simultaneously. It sounds like you have an anxious attachment type which would be made worse by him drawing away, and especially by him forming sexual relationships with other individuals.
posted by Solomon at 12:49 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by xingcat at 6:17 PM on November 17, 2013 [3 favorites]