Help me be okay with non-commitment.
January 25, 2012 8:44 PM Subscribe
I've been dating a guy for a few months who is really awesome -- but not ready for a relationship. How do I deal with this?
posted by DoubleLune to Human Relations (60 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
I've been dating this guy a few months and I really like him. Comparing him to past guys I've dated, he has a lot going for him. He's the first guy I've been with who I really feel like myself around. Communication is good. Most of the time everything is cool.
But there's this thing where he's not ready to commit, for various reasons. Part of it is he's in grad school and vowed when he started to not get into a relationship because in the past this affected his grades. The other big one is that he wanted some time to be single and have fun after being in relationships for the past several years.
I am, I think, ready for a relationship (if anyone feels like stalking my past AskMes, you will understand). I wasn't planning on getting into a relationship, but I was also at the point where I was sick of dating. I've been doing stuff to really be okay on my own after my last major breakup (including going back to school to get my B.A. in English for my dream career!) I had decided "if the right guy comes along, great. If not, oh well." And then this guy came along.
I'm usually one to jump into a relationship, but I've been mostly okay with not being exclusive with this guy. It's kind of been a security blanket for my fears about getting hurt -- but I'm in deep enough that I could get hurt now, so that's kind of irrelevant anymore. I think I'm at the point where I either need a relationship or need to move on -- but I don't want to stop dating him! I don't know that he's the right guy for me in the long term, but he could be, and I want to see where things go.
My main concern is that I know it took me a couple years of being single and dating around and having fun to get sick of that and be at a point where a relationship would be the right thing for me. I feel like he still needs to have the time to do that. And I'm concerned that that difference is going to make this not work.
Oh -- important note -- we have talked about this, and I basically told him if there wasn't a chance of it going anywhere, he needed to tell me. He wants to see where it goes, and he also said he feels like he's *almost* ready to commit... but that was a month ago. I don't want to force him into something that he's really not ready for, because I don't want him always feeling like he's not sure, or something. I've seen enough RomComs to know better :)
So here's my main question: I want to feel okay with dating him but not being in a committed relationship. What can I do to make myself be ok with this? Generally I have been going through stages of backing off emotionally, but then that pulling back makes me testy around him, and I don't like that. I want to be genuinely okay with it.