Do I not understand Facebook standards?

October 9, 2013 2:37 PM

I feel ridiculous for even asking but...I have a very happy and satisfying relationship with my domestic partner of several years. Seriously...everything's fine except for this one little thing...it's about how we both approach Facebook (we're both in our late 30's). He and I don't communicate, like or comment on each other's walls and we never have. But he does comment in a somewhat flirty manner with his exes (and I mean these are women from MANY years ago), and I've asked him, "What's up with that?" and his response has been, "It's nothing. Just being chatty."

And yet I can't help but notice that he doesn't make these comments to his male buddies, just his exes. I feel ridiculous even talking to him about this, but he does know it bothers me, he has replied that he'll stop if I find it troublesome, and yet I feel like kind of an idiot for feeling so bothered. I'm in a little bit of a negative feedback loop about the whole situation and I could use some helpful perspective. Am I being unreasonable? Is he being a little bit of an obnoxious flirt with other women? What am I not seeing correctly? And why the hell am I so bothered by this? I know he loves me.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Yes, he's being a little bit of an obnoxious flirt. If he's offered to stop if it bothers you, and it bothers you, then tell him to stop.

You're bothered by it because, due to the nature of Facebook, he's flirting with other people in front of your face. Many, many people in monogamous relationships find that inappropriate and disrespectful. But, again due to the nature of Facebook, it's really easy for him to forget that you're virtually "standing right there." So yeah, tell him it bugs you, and ask him to quit.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:49 PM on October 9, 2013 [22 favorites]

It's hard to say without knowing exactly what he is saying. However, you don't have differences in Facebook standards, you have differences in communication standards that are being illuminated by Facebook.
posted by radioamy at 3:14 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

I had to explain to my husband that his facebook wall is called a "wall" for a reason. Everything he writes on it is there for everyone and their uncle to see. So your partner's flirty comments probably bug you because they're out for everyone to see. They probably don't bother him because he thinks they're on his own, private wall -- or he doesn't consider them flirty. It's all about perspective.
posted by patheral at 3:18 PM on October 9, 2013

Does he comment in a similar fashion on the pages of his female friends who are not exes? Or does he not have any of those?

It also really depends on considerations of what 'flirty' is.

This isn't an uncommon thing to think about facebook comments and the like. It hasn't got much to do with facebook standards. You can ask him not to.
posted by Ashlyth at 3:20 PM on October 9, 2013

It's hard to say without knowing exactly what he is saying.

Yeah, seriously. "Somewhat flirty" is pretty much meaningless.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 3:26 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

And why the hell am I so bothered by this? I know he loves me.

Jealousy is a very primal emotion. It's very rarely is extinguished by "knowing" anything.
posted by the jam at 3:29 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

Eh. Facebook can be kind of a flirty place. I mean, it's kind of a pat-everyone-on-the-back sort of place, you know? It doesn't mean anything. If it were me, I probably wouldn't worry about it too much.

I mean, there's a big difference between commenting "lookin good!" on a new profile picture and "wow, this photo makes me miss you so much and I wish we could be together again and I want you in my bed tonight." But assuming it's closer to the former, I wouldn't give it much thought, honestly.
posted by Lutoslawski at 3:38 PM on October 9, 2013 [15 favorites]

but he does know it bothers me, he has replied that he'll stop if I find it troublesome

He already knows it bothers you. Why hasn't he stopped this behavior?

If it's truly "nothing" as far as he's concerned, then it should be no loss to him to stop doing it, right? As you said, he doesn't post "chatty" messages to his guy-friends; just his exes. So, theoretically, he should be cool with knocking off the flirty postings.

I'd ask him, calmly and respectfully (but absolutely not apologetically or self-deprecatingly) to not post those types of things to his exes.

He's not a goofy clueless teenager; he's a late-30s man. Does he not have better things to do with his online time than poke exes?
posted by nacho fries at 3:44 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

By Facebook standards, this is probably fine. Especially if he does it to other women who he hasn't dated (which you probably wouldn't notice, cause you aren't checking THOSE women's pages regularly, am I right?).

If it were me I'd probably just start dropping cute flirty comments on his stuff, and liking his posts and tagging him in things. $10 says he does it back. Flirting is fun, offer him a way to get it from you!
posted by amaire at 4:14 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

A Friend of mine started like this on Facebook when an ex connected. He's now divorced and living with the former ex. I'd be more insistent that he knock it off or something else to nip it in the bud.
posted by TheAdamist at 5:58 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

It is true we don't know what somewhat flirty means. But, assuming it's universally accepted as flirting, then this:

he's flirting with other people in front of your face

Not much different than if you were out together and he was flirting with them in front of you--and both of your friends. It's disrespectful. And embarrassing for you. (What woman wants everyone she knows to think her guy is a dick?).

He should have stopped the moment you raised the question.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 1:53 AM on October 10, 2013 [2 favorites]