Travelling without boyfriend
September 17, 2013 7:38 PM Subscribe
I want to travel but my boyfriend is always in an uncertain position with his job. I am sick of waiting for him so I might (again) travel without him, alone or with friends. But I feel kind of bad for not waiting for him.
Ok so, until 3 years ago, I was working full time + studying part time so I barely had time to take vacations. After I finished school, I started to want to travel as much as I can. In the first year, I asked my bf if he wanted to come with me on vacation but I told him "If you don't come, I am going anyway". He finally didn't come, saying it was because of his crazy boss.
The year after, he didn't have the same boss but he couldn't plan vacations. One of my friend proposed to me to go on vacation together so I said yes because my bf could not confirm when we could take vacations. So I went without him again. He didn't have the same boss but nothing changed.
Now I have to take 3 more weeks of vacations and we will take 2 together. But I want to go by myself for 1 week. He always seems to be upset with that. That I am not patient, that I am not waiting for him...
Everytime I try to plan vacations, he says, well I don't know, I want to change job. But he's not intensively looking.
I kind of feel bad to go on vacation anyway but at the same time, I feel like if I wait for him, I miss a nice part of my life. I am yound, I have enough money, we never know what can happen. I may not be able to travel next year, we never know what can happen.
I need some advice on how to handle this situation.
Thank you.
Ok so, until 3 years ago, I was working full time + studying part time so I barely had time to take vacations. After I finished school, I started to want to travel as much as I can. In the first year, I asked my bf if he wanted to come with me on vacation but I told him "If you don't come, I am going anyway". He finally didn't come, saying it was because of his crazy boss.
The year after, he didn't have the same boss but he couldn't plan vacations. One of my friend proposed to me to go on vacation together so I said yes because my bf could not confirm when we could take vacations. So I went without him again. He didn't have the same boss but nothing changed.
Now I have to take 3 more weeks of vacations and we will take 2 together. But I want to go by myself for 1 week. He always seems to be upset with that. That I am not patient, that I am not waiting for him...
Everytime I try to plan vacations, he says, well I don't know, I want to change job. But he's not intensively looking.
I kind of feel bad to go on vacation anyway but at the same time, I feel like if I wait for him, I miss a nice part of my life. I am yound, I have enough money, we never know what can happen. I may not be able to travel next year, we never know what can happen.
I need some advice on how to handle this situation.
Thank you.
I need some advice on how to handle this situation.
Sounds to me like you're handling it just fine. Enjoy your vacation.
posted by headnsouth at 7:44 PM on September 17, 2013 [13 favorites]
Sounds to me like you're handling it just fine. Enjoy your vacation.
posted by headnsouth at 7:44 PM on September 17, 2013 [13 favorites]
Don't wait for him. You have to live your own life. I did a lot of traveling for several years, now I have a family and those days aren't coming back again.
He has to live his own life too. If he wants to take vacations (with or without you), he should maneuver himself into a position where he can do so. But it makes no sense for you to "sacrifice" so that neither of you are taking vacations. How exactly does that really benefit him?
posted by leopard at 7:46 PM on September 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
He has to live his own life too. If he wants to take vacations (with or without you), he should maneuver himself into a position where he can do so. But it makes no sense for you to "sacrifice" so that neither of you are taking vacations. How exactly does that really benefit him?
posted by leopard at 7:46 PM on September 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Just go. I went to Spain for a week this year without my GF and it was fine, though she was a little sad about it. Just keep in touch.
posted by empath at 7:48 PM on September 17, 2013
posted by empath at 7:48 PM on September 17, 2013
I think you should ask him, "Until what date do you want me to wait for?" Get him to give you an actual date, e.g. May 2014. If he says, "I can't give you a date," then say, "Do you want me to wait until 2020?" He'll probably say, "No! Less than that." Then you can say, "Do you want me to wait until Halloween 2013?" He'll say, "No, more than that." Then you say, "Okay, so there is a length of time that you want me to wait, which is more than one month and less than seven years. Let's figure out what it is."
Once you figure out the actual time, then you can talk about whether you can wait that long.
There's a good chance that he'll name a reasonable date, and that it's dragged out to 3 years only because in his mind, it's always been "a couple months away". If that's the case, then after he commits to a date that's a couple months away, he'll realize that it would be unreasonable to get upset with you following what he himself said.
It is possible that he'll ask for a longer date than you're willing to wait until. If that happens, you can tell him, "I'm not willing to wait until July 2014. Instead I'm willing to wait until the end of the year. If we do not have plane tickets in hand by 12/31, then I'm going by myself. But you and I can go on a nice weekend trip instead!" Say it firmly. If he gets upset, then tell him, "We can go on that trip in 2015 instead. Won't it be great when we go to [amazing destination] in 2015?"
posted by cheesecake at 7:50 PM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Once you figure out the actual time, then you can talk about whether you can wait that long.
There's a good chance that he'll name a reasonable date, and that it's dragged out to 3 years only because in his mind, it's always been "a couple months away". If that's the case, then after he commits to a date that's a couple months away, he'll realize that it would be unreasonable to get upset with you following what he himself said.
It is possible that he'll ask for a longer date than you're willing to wait until. If that happens, you can tell him, "I'm not willing to wait until July 2014. Instead I'm willing to wait until the end of the year. If we do not have plane tickets in hand by 12/31, then I'm going by myself. But you and I can go on a nice weekend trip instead!" Say it firmly. If he gets upset, then tell him, "We can go on that trip in 2015 instead. Won't it be great when we go to [amazing destination] in 2015?"
posted by cheesecake at 7:50 PM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
He's right that you're not waiting or being patient. But he's wrong to expect that you should put your life on hold for someone you're not even married to. Don't let him make you feel bad.
posted by bleep at 8:00 PM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by bleep at 8:00 PM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
In the first year, I asked my bf if he wanted to come... He finally didn't come, saying it was because of his crazy boss.
The year after, he didn't have the same boss but he couldn't plan vacations.
Everytime I try to plan vacations, he says, well I don't know, I want to change job. But he's not intensively looking.
It's pretty clear that he doesn't actually want to travel. He wants you to not want to travel, but that's not working. You have to decide if you want a bf who is a travel partner, or not. And if not, if you're okay having a bf who doesn't want you to travel, either. I'm guessing not.
posted by Capri at 8:32 PM on September 17, 2013 [11 favorites]
The year after, he didn't have the same boss but he couldn't plan vacations.
Everytime I try to plan vacations, he says, well I don't know, I want to change job. But he's not intensively looking.
It's pretty clear that he doesn't actually want to travel. He wants you to not want to travel, but that's not working. You have to decide if you want a bf who is a travel partner, or not. And if not, if you're okay having a bf who doesn't want you to travel, either. I'm guessing not.
posted by Capri at 8:32 PM on September 17, 2013 [11 favorites]
I traveled on my own before and after I got married. Sometimes I want to go places where my husband doesn't want to go. Go for it!
posted by kat518 at 8:32 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by kat518 at 8:32 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I go on solo road trips once or twice a year without my wife. She's glad to have me out of her hair for a week. Sometimes she goes to visit her sister or spends a long weekend in Florida without me. Your bf is being a prat.
posted by notsnot at 8:33 PM on September 17, 2013
posted by notsnot at 8:33 PM on September 17, 2013
Wanting one week out of three to do what you want is not unreasonable and wanting one week out of three to have your own travel experiences and not including him because is not able (or willing) to is even more so. Go, have your adventures and a thoroughly awesome time! His being pissy about this is ridiculous, IMHO. Granted, I have had far too much experience accommodating a significant other's unpredictable work situation/inclination and missing out on things because of it, but really, you have the money, time, and flexibility and are still spending the majority of your time off with your boyfriend, so enjoy without guilt, and if your boyfriend can't see how silly he is being, then he needs to just get over it (and if he can't, then that is an indicator of larger issues that probably need to be addressed at some point). So, basically, what everyone else has said. I know how difficult it can be when your loved one's work situation is unpredictable and seemingly inflexible (and even harder when you aren't sure how much is reality and how much is your partner's unwillingness and/or paranoia), but what you want is completely reasonable, understandable, and totally a-okay. If your boyfriend can't see that, then that is his loss and he needs to get over it or make some changes. Enjoy your trips!
posted by katemcd at 9:27 PM on September 17, 2013
posted by katemcd at 9:27 PM on September 17, 2013
If you don't go, you will likely regret it later and will be mad at him too.
posted by Dansaman at 10:00 PM on September 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Dansaman at 10:00 PM on September 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
I just returned from two weeks abroad without my boyfriend, who couldn't afford it this year. I picked a travel destination that I really wanted to visit and where he "never wanted to go to ever again" It was a brilliant trip, neither of us felt badly about not being able to share the experience, and we hung out on Skype for a few minutes in the evenings. I recommend this course of action. Its hard being left behind while your partner is off having adventures, so maybe a tiny bit of crabbiness is forgivable, but its your boyfriends responsibility to change the situation if he doesn't like it, not yours.
posted by velebita at 10:39 PM on September 17, 2013
posted by velebita at 10:39 PM on September 17, 2013
Yep joining the crowd - I went on holiday for a week without my partner this year, because he wasn't in a position to due to work and funds.
My friends all thought I was mad, he thought it was a great idea - I get S.A.D. pretty bad in the winter and this was my treat to myself after some work I did paid off well.
Had a great time, rediscovered my self-motivation, did not once get bored, would definitely do it again.
posted by greenish at 2:57 AM on September 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
My friends all thought I was mad, he thought it was a great idea - I get S.A.D. pretty bad in the winter and this was my treat to myself after some work I did paid off well.
Had a great time, rediscovered my self-motivation, did not once get bored, would definitely do it again.
posted by greenish at 2:57 AM on September 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's not that you don't want him to come, it's that he's not able to make it happen. That's on him. If he's going to pout about it, then he needs to sack-up and save the money and get the time off to travel with you.
Never put off what you want to do to make someone else happy. Your happiness and desires are just as valid as his are, and more, since they're YOURS.
You never know, this guy may be in your rearview mirror before you know it, and all you'll think about were the opportunities to travel that you didn't take!
Some people don't like to travel, that's okay...for them. For you, it's a goal, an incredibly important part of who you are and what gives you pleasure. Don't bury that to make another person happy.
Make plans and have a blast!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:37 AM on September 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Never put off what you want to do to make someone else happy. Your happiness and desires are just as valid as his are, and more, since they're YOURS.
You never know, this guy may be in your rearview mirror before you know it, and all you'll think about were the opportunities to travel that you didn't take!
Some people don't like to travel, that's okay...for them. For you, it's a goal, an incredibly important part of who you are and what gives you pleasure. Don't bury that to make another person happy.
Make plans and have a blast!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:37 AM on September 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Now I have to take 3 more weeks of vacations and we will take 2 together. But I want to go by myself for 1 week. He always seems to be upset with that. That I am not patient, that I am not waiting for him...
Does this mean you're going to spend two of the weeks with him and not travel, and then travel for one? This seems incredibly reasonable to me. And you are traveling alone for the thrid week because he cannot or does not want to go? I don't get why he is upset or why he thinks you should wait. You have three weeks to use up now, and you will have more vacation by the time he is ready to travel, if he ever is.
posted by BibiRose at 6:55 AM on September 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Does this mean you're going to spend two of the weeks with him and not travel, and then travel for one? This seems incredibly reasonable to me. And you are traveling alone for the thrid week because he cannot or does not want to go? I don't get why he is upset or why he thinks you should wait. You have three weeks to use up now, and you will have more vacation by the time he is ready to travel, if he ever is.
posted by BibiRose at 6:55 AM on September 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
What exactly does he think you're not waiting for? It's been over 2 years and he still hasn't been able to get free time for travel. At most companies, vacation days don't last forever - use them or lose them. There is no "waiting".
Your question reads like you think you are the one at fault for making him feel left out, but the way I see it HE is at fault for not putting you as a priority in front of his other commitments. I get it that some jobs are hard to schedule, but 2 years? No vacation ever? And he wants to get a new job but hasn't even tried? He is completely the one at fault here, both for his (lack of) actions and for his attitude toward your solution.
Your BF needs to either sh*t or get off the pot. He can't have it both ways.
posted by CathyG at 7:46 AM on September 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
Your question reads like you think you are the one at fault for making him feel left out, but the way I see it HE is at fault for not putting you as a priority in front of his other commitments. I get it that some jobs are hard to schedule, but 2 years? No vacation ever? And he wants to get a new job but hasn't even tried? He is completely the one at fault here, both for his (lack of) actions and for his attitude toward your solution.
Your BF needs to either sh*t or get off the pot. He can't have it both ways.
posted by CathyG at 7:46 AM on September 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
Solo travel is awesome. Go! Tell him you'll be more than happy to travel again with him once he has changed jobs (if that's true). And maybe bring him back a cool gift from wherever you visit.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:46 AM on September 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by DingoMutt at 7:46 AM on September 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
It sounds like the only kind of travel he is allowed to do is of the last-minute-no-plan variety? Come on. I know some jobs are like that, but if he can NEVER book time ahead, then he can't vacation with you. Period. He's just gonna have to suck that one up.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:39 PM on September 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:39 PM on September 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
You only have so much time available for vacations. If you can't shift it to another time, his idea that you should "wait" for him is basically insisting that you waste your vacation time and go on fewer vacations in your life.
You're going to be going on more vacations if he wants to come later on, right? He's not somehow losing the chance to travel with you next year if you go on a trip now.
Couples don't have to travel together, and it can be really wonderful to stay in touch with friends by traveling together. There's nothing wrong with him not wanting to go with you, but if you want to travel and he wants you to stay home, that's an issue you may want to explore now rather than years later.
posted by yohko at 2:53 PM on September 18, 2013
You're going to be going on more vacations if he wants to come later on, right? He's not somehow losing the chance to travel with you next year if you go on a trip now.
Couples don't have to travel together, and it can be really wonderful to stay in touch with friends by traveling together. There's nothing wrong with him not wanting to go with you, but if you want to travel and he wants you to stay home, that's an issue you may want to explore now rather than years later.
posted by yohko at 2:53 PM on September 18, 2013
Response by poster: Thank you everyone.
I have to say that the 2 weeks out of 3 we will go on vacation together. And I am always inviting him when I want to travel.
So he wants to travel like 2 weeks per year, I want to travel more - like 4-5 weeks a year.
I am not forcing him to come. I always tell him that if he doesn't want to come with me, he just has to say it so things are clear. He's the kind of person who always say "we'll see", "maybe", "it depends", "probably", etc. So I wait a little and then get frustrated because I never get an answer. That's why I am not "waiting" anymore.
He always tries to tell me to be reasonnable. I think I am. I have the money, the time, I am young. For me, it's now or maybe never. I even invite him when he says he doesn't have enough money but he never accepted.
posted by daile at 6:22 PM on September 18, 2013
I have to say that the 2 weeks out of 3 we will go on vacation together. And I am always inviting him when I want to travel.
So he wants to travel like 2 weeks per year, I want to travel more - like 4-5 weeks a year.
I am not forcing him to come. I always tell him that if he doesn't want to come with me, he just has to say it so things are clear. He's the kind of person who always say "we'll see", "maybe", "it depends", "probably", etc. So I wait a little and then get frustrated because I never get an answer. That's why I am not "waiting" anymore.
He always tries to tell me to be reasonnable. I think I am. I have the money, the time, I am young. For me, it's now or maybe never. I even invite him when he says he doesn't have enough money but he never accepted.
posted by daile at 6:22 PM on September 18, 2013
He always tries to tell me to be reasonnable. I think I am.
Some people are perfectly willing to cede to these sorts of demands from their significant other. So he might think that it's "reasonable" if you don't go unless he's going. Maybe in previous relationships his partners have been willing or even agreed with him that couples should travel together, or that couples should have all the same friends, or share all the same hobbies. Yes, there really are people who do that.
If you are not like that, and don't want to live your life that way, it's perfectly reasonable of you to pull that band-aid off now, and let him know. If he truly wants a partner who will not go on trips without him, and you aren't willing to do that -- well, as you have mentioned, you are young. As you get older, know that as each year goes by, it would be more and more of a sacrifice to not follow your dreams to please your partner. He might also expect you to "settle down" as time goes on, and be less interested in traveling without him than you are now, or less interested in traveling at all -- to him, it might be a huge compromise to do the amount of travel with you that he does -- that might be why he pleads with you to be "reasonable", he may feel that he's already given quite a lot.
It's reasonable for him to want a partner that won't go on trips without him. There is no shortage of people who don't like to travel without their partner out there. It's not reasonable for him to insist that you be like that if you are not.
You aren't asking a single thing of him other than to be able to cope with you not being around for 2 or 3 weeks out of an entire year. I don't think that's unreasonable at all, and plenty of people out there would see it as a time for their own personal growth and renewal and getting projects done to stay home while you were traveling.
You need to decide if you are going to allow him to determine how much you travel. If he gets to control the limits of your travel it's going to be something that over time will restrict everything from what jobs you take to further schooling you do to whether you slowly lose touch with friends and relatives you don't get a chance to have bonding time with, as well as the littler things of what sorts of amazing places you might get a chance to visit in your lifetime. What are you willing to give up to keep him happy? You need to decide.
posted by yohko at 7:24 PM on September 18, 2013
Some people are perfectly willing to cede to these sorts of demands from their significant other. So he might think that it's "reasonable" if you don't go unless he's going. Maybe in previous relationships his partners have been willing or even agreed with him that couples should travel together, or that couples should have all the same friends, or share all the same hobbies. Yes, there really are people who do that.
If you are not like that, and don't want to live your life that way, it's perfectly reasonable of you to pull that band-aid off now, and let him know. If he truly wants a partner who will not go on trips without him, and you aren't willing to do that -- well, as you have mentioned, you are young. As you get older, know that as each year goes by, it would be more and more of a sacrifice to not follow your dreams to please your partner. He might also expect you to "settle down" as time goes on, and be less interested in traveling without him than you are now, or less interested in traveling at all -- to him, it might be a huge compromise to do the amount of travel with you that he does -- that might be why he pleads with you to be "reasonable", he may feel that he's already given quite a lot.
It's reasonable for him to want a partner that won't go on trips without him. There is no shortage of people who don't like to travel without their partner out there. It's not reasonable for him to insist that you be like that if you are not.
You aren't asking a single thing of him other than to be able to cope with you not being around for 2 or 3 weeks out of an entire year. I don't think that's unreasonable at all, and plenty of people out there would see it as a time for their own personal growth and renewal and getting projects done to stay home while you were traveling.
You need to decide if you are going to allow him to determine how much you travel. If he gets to control the limits of your travel it's going to be something that over time will restrict everything from what jobs you take to further schooling you do to whether you slowly lose touch with friends and relatives you don't get a chance to have bonding time with, as well as the littler things of what sorts of amazing places you might get a chance to visit in your lifetime. What are you willing to give up to keep him happy? You need to decide.
posted by yohko at 7:24 PM on September 18, 2013
He always tries to tell me to be reasonnable. I think I am.
You are. You should stick up for yourself.
posted by empath at 7:48 PM on September 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
You are. You should stick up for yourself.
posted by empath at 7:48 PM on September 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
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