I feel trapped from being too different?
October 30, 2012 1:59 PM Subscribe
Pretty sure I don't want to get married or have kids. Problem is, almost all my friends are doing so and it's just getting to the point where I am the only one who isn't doing either of those (not a bad thing).Help me not go crazy if I hear one more person say the words 'I'm engaged" or "I'm pregnant".
posted by Autumn89 to human relations (55 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
So I'm 23 years old, graduated from college in June, finally becoming an independent contractor very soon in massage therapy. I have never really thought about settling down with someone or anyone at all. I have been in tons of relationships. Mostly where the guys treated me like crap so the relationships didn't last for more than 4-5 months. In my longest relationship, which was a year and four months, the guy I was with told me he wanted to marry me and after I graduate get me pregnant. It was both our mistake for not discussing this a few months into the relationship, but the way I saw it time was going by too fast and we were having way too much fun for this kind of discussion to come up. A year doesn't seem that long to me.
Well I told him I don't think I wanted to do either. He was very upset by this but we continued our relationship. I felt kind of bad, like I was holding back from living his life. I tried to think of ways that maybe we could get married, someone else have our baby, or we could adopt a baby or kid. BUT after awhile even this seemed like something that would very much make me unhappy in the future. I told the guy I was with that I could no longer be with him. It was very painful. But almost a year later he is in a relationship with someone else who seems to want what he wants and that is very good for him.
The reason I think this happened is because around this time (two summers ago) was because most of my friends and his friends have started to get pregnant or give birth. Also a few of them had gotten engaged or married. I feel like he was looking at these factors too much..I feel like a lot of people feel pressured to do this because they think it is what they are supposed to do.
I dated another guy a few months after I broke up with my longest relationship guy and he seemed to have the same views as me, besides marriage. He did say he eventually did want to get married, but not till years from now. I kind of ignored it because we were in a fairly new relationship and still in the getting to know each other stage. He told me he was indifferent to having a baby.Four months into us dating he started to act real distant and just not as affectionate, only when he wanted sex. I could tell that I had been tricked into thinking he was a nice guy but now he thought I would stay with him. The thing that got me to run...not walk, out of the relationship is when he told me he did want /babies/ kids..not an adopted baby or kid, but a baby he created with someone he was in a relationship with. He knew from the beginning that I did not want kids at all. He asked how I could be so sure. I told him that all my friends from high school, my three closest friends, all have babies, and hate it, and I don't feel a tad bit jealous of them. You would think I would be if I wanted to have a baby, but I just feel sorry for them. My friends are in relationships with guys who they have been with for 4+ years.
My current boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 months. This is my second longest relationship and this is his first. He had been in relationships with women who wanted kids, but he never stayed with them long enough so it was never a problem. I am sooo grateful I have finally found a guy who doesn't want to get married or have kids. He actually has a baby phobia, which is kind of funny. He says maybe he needs to get it fixed, but I tell him I'd rather him have a phobia, then go to counseling and find out he does want one. Lol.
As far as the marriage issue goes with both of us we don't want to get married. We haven't even dropped the words "I love you" on each other. Which is fine by me, because he has been one of the guys who has treated me very very well past the 4 month mark of us being together. I don't really put much thought into those three words anymore. They used to be very important to me, but when I did have a guy say them, they wouldn't show it. This guy I'm with, he is funny, he's understanding, he has opened my eyes to lots of different interests in life. It makes me realize that having a baby would ruin this. Only for a few years, but still. The thought of becoming 50's heavier, taking care of a baby for a few years while I stay at home doesn't seem like fun to me. I thought of every possible situation in which maybe I could get over having one one day. But something always come up and I realize I would be very unhappy with having one.
My question is why do I feel this way? I'm not looking to change I just want an answer. I sometimes feel very awkward around my friends babies or toddlers, but it mostly wears off, BUT at the end of the day I am so glad the kid is not coming home with me, lol. I have fun with some of them, but when they start screaming and crying, that's where I don't want to have anything to do with them. People have said "You'll change your mind" or "You never know what love is until you have a baby" Oh geez! That is VERY insulting.
Does anyone else feel this way. Did anyone else go through these feeling but despite their feelings go along and have a baby? And if so, are they truly happy with their life? If they didn't have a baby ever I'd like to hear those responses too. Do you feel like something is missing from your life? Like I said I'm NOT looking to change my mind. I just am stuck in a place where I am the only one not doing either of these things and it's beginning to become uncomfortable defending myself when people ask "when are you guys going to get married?" or "When are you popping one out?" Also would like to hear about people who maybe never got married. :)
From what I told my parents, they tell me I am very smart for thinking this way, but then again..they are divorced :P