How to handle comments from hostile ex-friends
May 31, 2013 12:55 PM Subscribe
How do I become more assertive and handle their remarks?
I've distance myself from all of these women, but I still see them from time to time at various events.
I ran into an ex-friend, “Tina”, at a mutual friend’s wedding. (We actually had to sit at the same table.) Tina was the one who had stopped talking to me and when she would call me, all she would do was yell at me because I wasn’t texting her enough or hanging out with her enough, etc. The whole time, all Tina did was brag about her new friends and how she has a boyfriend and how she goes to the beach all day. She also made comments about the fact that I was still single and jabs about my weight and appearance.
Another former friend seemed to still be upset that I didn't want to hang out with her a few years ago and showed up to my Grandpa's funeral. She stated that she would have asked me to hang out, but she was moving, so she said "Oh well!" with a satisfied smirk on her face and then paraded off. (She would make fun of me in front of others and laugh at me. She would only hang out when no one else was around or would ditch me if she got a better offer. I thought 'what's the point in hanging out if she's only going to ditch me?')
A third friend would give me the silent treatment if things didn't go her way. If I couldn't come to a party or get together she was having, she wouldn't talk to me. Then she would call and ask to hang out. When we would, she would make comments about how since I'm single, I must be interested in the same gender. She would also make other comments, like how she knew people who went to private colleges and they didn't have jobs (I went to a private college.) She would make these remarks on the sly, and when I would defend myself, she would claim she was just joking or just looking to get a rise out of me.
I don’t get it because they seemed to never want to be friends to begin with, yet they’re mad at me for not wanting to hang out. I try and take the high road and be polite or smile and nod when they talk, but it hurts and still makes me feel bad. I know I should just get over it and move on, but I don’t understand why they act the way they do. I'm glad I don't have to put up with their behavior anymore and I don't want to be friends with them, but why do they act like this when I see them?
I've distance myself from all of these women, but I still see them from time to time at various events.
I ran into an ex-friend, “Tina”, at a mutual friend’s wedding. (We actually had to sit at the same table.) Tina was the one who had stopped talking to me and when she would call me, all she would do was yell at me because I wasn’t texting her enough or hanging out with her enough, etc. The whole time, all Tina did was brag about her new friends and how she has a boyfriend and how she goes to the beach all day. She also made comments about the fact that I was still single and jabs about my weight and appearance.
Another former friend seemed to still be upset that I didn't want to hang out with her a few years ago and showed up to my Grandpa's funeral. She stated that she would have asked me to hang out, but she was moving, so she said "Oh well!" with a satisfied smirk on her face and then paraded off. (She would make fun of me in front of others and laugh at me. She would only hang out when no one else was around or would ditch me if she got a better offer. I thought 'what's the point in hanging out if she's only going to ditch me?')
A third friend would give me the silent treatment if things didn't go her way. If I couldn't come to a party or get together she was having, she wouldn't talk to me. Then she would call and ask to hang out. When we would, she would make comments about how since I'm single, I must be interested in the same gender. She would also make other comments, like how she knew people who went to private colleges and they didn't have jobs (I went to a private college.) She would make these remarks on the sly, and when I would defend myself, she would claim she was just joking or just looking to get a rise out of me.
I don’t get it because they seemed to never want to be friends to begin with, yet they’re mad at me for not wanting to hang out. I try and take the high road and be polite or smile and nod when they talk, but it hurts and still makes me feel bad. I know I should just get over it and move on, but I don’t understand why they act the way they do. I'm glad I don't have to put up with their behavior anymore and I don't want to be friends with them, but why do they act like this when I see them?
Because they're assholes. Try to reframe your feelings so your reaction is more "profound relief" and less "hurts, feels bad."
posted by rtha at 1:02 PM on May 31, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by rtha at 1:02 PM on May 31, 2013 [13 favorites]
God, I would ignore these horrid people. Seriously, like walk away from them if they approached me. I wouldn't give them another moment of my time.
posted by futureisunwritten at 1:03 PM on May 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by futureisunwritten at 1:03 PM on May 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also, if you all are so not-friends anymore that the only time you see them is by accident, then it's really okay to raise your eyebrows when someone says something shitty to you and walk away.
posted by rtha at 1:04 PM on May 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by rtha at 1:04 PM on May 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
You need to perfect a look that says "I see your gums are flapping but I have no idea why you're saying what you're saying; you sound like an idiot." It should combine mild disgust, amusement, and confusion. Like if you just walked into the house and noticed your cat left a poo on the dining room table.
Then you give them that look, stop talking to them, turn to talk to someone more interesting and move on with your life.
posted by bondcliff at 1:05 PM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
Then you give them that look, stop talking to them, turn to talk to someone more interesting and move on with your life.
posted by bondcliff at 1:05 PM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
It might help to stop thinking of them as ex-friends and instead classify them as enemies. The history doesn't really matter here, the point is you now know they dislike you (for what seems, at least from your side, no good reason) and they derive pleasure from being mean to you. I don't think they need to be treated any differently than you'd teat some stranger who came at you out of nowhere and started insulting you. (I.e., avoid if at all possible, and glare at and/or dismiss with as few words as you can when interaction is necessary.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 1:10 PM on May 31, 2013
posted by DestinationUnknown at 1:10 PM on May 31, 2013
why do they act like this when I see them?
They're not mad at you for not wanting to hang out. They used to treat you badly, on a regular basis. Now, they only get to see you here and there, and when they do, they continue to treat you badly. So the short answer is, because that's the kind of people they are; nothing's changed except the frequency of your encounters with them, and perhaps the subject matter of their bad behavior.
The longer answer likely has a lot to do with them treating you badly but still wanting you around, and you walking away, which demonstrated clearly that you didn't respect them and didn't want or need them. Given the choice between using at as motivation for examining their own behavior or chalking it up to you being a bad person and staying their own personal course, they've obviously gone the second route.
Ultimately, this is just vindication that you made the right choice by walking away from each. Stay the course, stop accepting hangout requests from people who enjoy treating you badly, and when at an event, walk away, talk to someone else, or simply reply "it's nice to see you can still make other people's important events all about you and your petty grievances" and then walk away/talk to someone else. Arms crossed, saying nothing and staring them in the eye until they sputter to a halt/give up and walk away/start making a scene and looking foolish is also an option.
Some people just don't know how to be socially acceptable, and your avoidance should continue.
posted by davejay at 1:10 PM on May 31, 2013 [4 favorites]
They're not mad at you for not wanting to hang out. They used to treat you badly, on a regular basis. Now, they only get to see you here and there, and when they do, they continue to treat you badly. So the short answer is, because that's the kind of people they are; nothing's changed except the frequency of your encounters with them, and perhaps the subject matter of their bad behavior.
The longer answer likely has a lot to do with them treating you badly but still wanting you around, and you walking away, which demonstrated clearly that you didn't respect them and didn't want or need them. Given the choice between using at as motivation for examining their own behavior or chalking it up to you being a bad person and staying their own personal course, they've obviously gone the second route.
Ultimately, this is just vindication that you made the right choice by walking away from each. Stay the course, stop accepting hangout requests from people who enjoy treating you badly, and when at an event, walk away, talk to someone else, or simply reply "it's nice to see you can still make other people's important events all about you and your petty grievances" and then walk away/talk to someone else. Arms crossed, saying nothing and staring them in the eye until they sputter to a halt/give up and walk away/start making a scene and looking foolish is also an option.
Some people just don't know how to be socially acceptable, and your avoidance should continue.
posted by davejay at 1:10 PM on May 31, 2013 [4 favorites]
You know your own worth, and you know the worth of these ex-friends. They are putting you down to make themselves feel better; in particular, the first one reeks of someone who needs validation. LOOK AT ALL THE NICE THINGS I DO, AND PLEASE BE JEALOUS OF ME. Learn the eyebrow-quirk amused/pitying look, and think to yourself "Wow... really? She's actually saying that?"
posted by specialagentwebb at 1:10 PM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by specialagentwebb at 1:10 PM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
The thing about horrid nasty people, is that you only have to deal with them for a small fraction of your waking life. They, on the other hand, have to be with themselves all the time until the day they die.
posted by bumpkin at 1:13 PM on May 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by bumpkin at 1:13 PM on May 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
... why do they act like this when I see them?
Because they're nasty? Petty? Passive-agressive? Their parents didn't love them as children?
I know that their behavior is hurtful, but realistically, this is one of those situations where the mystery is going to be better than the answer. You can tell this story to your kids someday when they ask why a classmate is mean to them to illustrate one of life's most important lessons: You don't need to know exactly why someone is being mean to you in order to take the high road and come off as the classy one.
In terms of handling the comments in the moment, there are any number of ways to go about it. (Ignore them and continue talking as if you didn't hear their comment. Make a snarky remark back. Stare at them in silence until they get the point. Ask directly why they're being so rude to you. Etc.) I'm sure many will be suggested in this thread. You're the only one who will know which one is right for the particulars of your personality and the situation.
I hope that if nothing else, the answers in this thread provide resounding validation that you don't deserve to be treated this way. Best of luck, however you choose to handle yourself in these difficult situations.
posted by The Girl Who Ate Boston at 1:15 PM on May 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
Because they're nasty? Petty? Passive-agressive? Their parents didn't love them as children?
I know that their behavior is hurtful, but realistically, this is one of those situations where the mystery is going to be better than the answer. You can tell this story to your kids someday when they ask why a classmate is mean to them to illustrate one of life's most important lessons: You don't need to know exactly why someone is being mean to you in order to take the high road and come off as the classy one.
In terms of handling the comments in the moment, there are any number of ways to go about it. (Ignore them and continue talking as if you didn't hear their comment. Make a snarky remark back. Stare at them in silence until they get the point. Ask directly why they're being so rude to you. Etc.) I'm sure many will be suggested in this thread. You're the only one who will know which one is right for the particulars of your personality and the situation.
I hope that if nothing else, the answers in this thread provide resounding validation that you don't deserve to be treated this way. Best of luck, however you choose to handle yourself in these difficult situations.
posted by The Girl Who Ate Boston at 1:15 PM on May 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
Oh, and
I try and take the high road and be polite or smile and nod when they talk, but it hurts and still makes me feel bad.
Imagine this for a moment: you walk up to one of them at a funeral of one of their loved ones, you say "Hey, it's good to see you, shame you've gotten so fat since I last saw you." Just that. And then you stood there looking at them.
Would they respond by being polite, or smiling and nodding?
Of course not. Most people wouldn't. Why are you holding yourself to a different social standard than the people around you? You're allowed to call people on their bad behavior, not everybody has to like you, and it might be cathartic to take the low road and give the finger before walking away once in a while. Try it, you might like it.
posted by davejay at 1:16 PM on May 31, 2013 [6 favorites]
I try and take the high road and be polite or smile and nod when they talk, but it hurts and still makes me feel bad.
Imagine this for a moment: you walk up to one of them at a funeral of one of their loved ones, you say "Hey, it's good to see you, shame you've gotten so fat since I last saw you." Just that. And then you stood there looking at them.
Would they respond by being polite, or smiling and nodding?
Of course not. Most people wouldn't. Why are you holding yourself to a different social standard than the people around you? You're allowed to call people on their bad behavior, not everybody has to like you, and it might be cathartic to take the low road and give the finger before walking away once in a while. Try it, you might like it.
posted by davejay at 1:16 PM on May 31, 2013 [6 favorites]
Your getting angry or sad or riled at their remarks is exactly what they want from you. It's what makes them feel good, because nothing else will. They feel bad about themselves, and they want to drag you down with them. Every nasty thing they say to you is a reflection of their own joylessness. The jabs about your weight are their body issues. Their comments about your romantic life is their insecurity about their own.
Instead of letting their remarks get at you because you think they have a point, feel a brief moment of pity for these people. Your former friends sound like they can't enjoy anything at all without comparing their lives to someone else's. They might smirk and laugh and talk about how great their lives are but, honestly, how great could their lives possibly be if they derive satisfaction from the suffering of others?
They don't deserve that satisfaction of your sadness, and you absolutely don't deserve the grief.
posted by A god with hooves, a god with horns at 1:35 PM on May 31, 2013
Instead of letting their remarks get at you because you think they have a point, feel a brief moment of pity for these people. Your former friends sound like they can't enjoy anything at all without comparing their lives to someone else's. They might smirk and laugh and talk about how great their lives are but, honestly, how great could their lives possibly be if they derive satisfaction from the suffering of others?
They don't deserve that satisfaction of your sadness, and you absolutely don't deserve the grief.
posted by A god with hooves, a god with horns at 1:35 PM on May 31, 2013
There is something about being a "dick" that builds self esteem.
Even if it isn't real, it feels real. It's the same old game, they hurt you and they feel better.
I wouldn't advocate hurting them back, but I'd sure as shit do something to embarrass them HARD! (either publicly or privately, but I'd stab that embarrassment knife in them and twist)
I think that if there were far much more shame spread around the world, well that can only be a good thing. Feel free to shame them to their face with your words when they do shit like this. What's the worse that could happen? They tire of you? They pick on you more? They actually grow up and realize they are a POS?
You are so much better than they are, and they know it. Your friends here at MeFi know it, you know it, and that's honestly all that counts. Be yourself, but DON'T drag around baggage that they forced on you. Be strong...and if you ever need any help, let us know.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 1:35 PM on May 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
Even if it isn't real, it feels real. It's the same old game, they hurt you and they feel better.
I wouldn't advocate hurting them back, but I'd sure as shit do something to embarrass them HARD! (either publicly or privately, but I'd stab that embarrassment knife in them and twist)
I think that if there were far much more shame spread around the world, well that can only be a good thing. Feel free to shame them to their face with your words when they do shit like this. What's the worse that could happen? They tire of you? They pick on you more? They actually grow up and realize they are a POS?
You are so much better than they are, and they know it. Your friends here at MeFi know it, you know it, and that's honestly all that counts. Be yourself, but DON'T drag around baggage that they forced on you. Be strong...and if you ever need any help, let us know.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 1:35 PM on May 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don’t understand why they act the way they do
Because they don't like themselves very much. I is attention-seeking; II is cruel; III is passive-aggressive. I probably does none of those things; II would never have called you because she would have been scared you would have said no to her; and III sounds jealous.
They do these things because it's filling some void. Healthy, secure, content people don't do these things; people who are insecure and dislike themselves do these things. They want to have power and control over you, because it's the easiest way to make themselves feel happier about themselves, even fleetingly.
None of that, however, is your responsibility.
What is your responsibility is realising that there's not a lot you can do to change their behaviour. Even responding to their comments with a 'fuck you' will not change it/stop it. I also don't think you should buy into their crap necessarily because that's part of what they're baiting you to do (they want you down on their level).
Walk away from them. If you have to sit there with them, ignore them; stare at them; talk over them.
But the problem isn't that you're doing anything wrong when it comes to handling them; it's that you think that by changing what you do, you'll be able to magically stop them from being arseholes. The reality is - they're just arseholes.
posted by heyjude at 1:35 PM on May 31, 2013
Because they don't like themselves very much. I is attention-seeking; II is cruel; III is passive-aggressive. I probably does none of those things; II would never have called you because she would have been scared you would have said no to her; and III sounds jealous.
They do these things because it's filling some void. Healthy, secure, content people don't do these things; people who are insecure and dislike themselves do these things. They want to have power and control over you, because it's the easiest way to make themselves feel happier about themselves, even fleetingly.
None of that, however, is your responsibility.
What is your responsibility is realising that there's not a lot you can do to change their behaviour. Even responding to their comments with a 'fuck you' will not change it/stop it. I also don't think you should buy into their crap necessarily because that's part of what they're baiting you to do (they want you down on their level).
Walk away from them. If you have to sit there with them, ignore them; stare at them; talk over them.
But the problem isn't that you're doing anything wrong when it comes to handling them; it's that you think that by changing what you do, you'll be able to magically stop them from being arseholes. The reality is - they're just arseholes.
posted by heyjude at 1:35 PM on May 31, 2013
Be very direct and very honest, I'd say.
"Why do you want to be so hurtful? If it's your intention, it's working. Every time I see you, I flinch, because I know that you're going to say something that will make me feel bad about myself. Whenever we converse, I just wait for the joke at my expense, or the comparison where I'm found lacking. I get it. You don't like me. The feeling is mutual. So I am asking, without malice, for you to stop. Just stop. You don't have to say anything to me, or even acknowledge me when we're in close proximity, but I want to be able to know that I can be in the same room with you without waiting for another punch to the gut. I really hope you're able to do this."
posted by xingcat at 1:36 PM on May 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
"Why do you want to be so hurtful? If it's your intention, it's working. Every time I see you, I flinch, because I know that you're going to say something that will make me feel bad about myself. Whenever we converse, I just wait for the joke at my expense, or the comparison where I'm found lacking. I get it. You don't like me. The feeling is mutual. So I am asking, without malice, for you to stop. Just stop. You don't have to say anything to me, or even acknowledge me when we're in close proximity, but I want to be able to know that I can be in the same room with you without waiting for another punch to the gut. I really hope you're able to do this."
posted by xingcat at 1:36 PM on May 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
Sometimes you find that you've outgrown your old friends, and they're still acting like twelve-year-olds.
It's hard not to revert to your insecure 12-year-old self when those around you are being Drama Llamas and downright mean.
Pity is the appropriate feeling when they do this stuff. How sad it is that they're so insecure and desperate for your validation that they're acting this way.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." So withhold that consent.
There's an urge to put these people in their place, but it's so much more delicious to be gracious. Pretend that the subtext isn't there.
So when your friend merrily announces that she's moving, ignore the part that's meant to be hurtful and say, "Good luck with that." It can come out snarky, but there are extra points for making it sound sincere.
If you get stuck some place with Tina and she goes rattling on about your being single or something about your appearance, smile and say, "Gosh, I'm really happy with how I look and I'm really happy with my life the way it is. So tell me about your boyfriend, is he nice?"
As for the last person, the best response to non-sequiters is confusion:
Her: You must be gay because you don't have a boyfriend.
You: What a weird thing to say, why would you think that?
The most important thing is that YOU believe that you are awesome, just as you are. You believe that your life is enriching and fun and so much better now that you're not hanging with these very small people. Once you believe it, everyone else will, and these twits will look like the spiteful, petty, trifling hefeirs that they are.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:39 PM on May 31, 2013 [5 favorites]
It's hard not to revert to your insecure 12-year-old self when those around you are being Drama Llamas and downright mean.
Pity is the appropriate feeling when they do this stuff. How sad it is that they're so insecure and desperate for your validation that they're acting this way.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." So withhold that consent.
There's an urge to put these people in their place, but it's so much more delicious to be gracious. Pretend that the subtext isn't there.
So when your friend merrily announces that she's moving, ignore the part that's meant to be hurtful and say, "Good luck with that." It can come out snarky, but there are extra points for making it sound sincere.
If you get stuck some place with Tina and she goes rattling on about your being single or something about your appearance, smile and say, "Gosh, I'm really happy with how I look and I'm really happy with my life the way it is. So tell me about your boyfriend, is he nice?"
As for the last person, the best response to non-sequiters is confusion:
Her: You must be gay because you don't have a boyfriend.
You: What a weird thing to say, why would you think that?
The most important thing is that YOU believe that you are awesome, just as you are. You believe that your life is enriching and fun and so much better now that you're not hanging with these very small people. Once you believe it, everyone else will, and these twits will look like the spiteful, petty, trifling hefeirs that they are.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:39 PM on May 31, 2013 [5 favorites]
There are lots of reasons why they would act like this. Because they're insecure, because they're unhappy, because their glory days were in the 8th grade and they've never gotten over it, because they're simply shitty and have no choice? In the end it doesn't matter why they act like that, because they're nothing to you. Don't engage them, don't ask them anything, don't try to understand them, don't try to reason with them or shame them. Any engagement is a chance for them to spew their shit.
You see them coming, you walk the other way. Even (especially) if they know you saw them.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 1:40 PM on May 31, 2013
You see them coming, you walk the other way. Even (especially) if they know you saw them.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 1:40 PM on May 31, 2013
The thing with getting insulted is, if it's way over the top and sounds utterly ridiculous to me I start finding it amusing. Like, if a customer goes completely off the rails and I know my boss has my back I'll listen to it a little longer because, hey, story to tell later!
But if this is someone I care about, if they have some kind of power over me (like, stir up others against me), or if I'm secretly not sure they maybe do have a point, this is absolutely devastating. I feel humiliated and full of rage and tears.
So, if you can muster up fascinated amusement, do lean back with a smile and say "why, you funny little person!". Because she is. I mean, come on. How small and silly would you have to be to act like that?!
And then keep up the smiling and head shaking as she loses her cool.
If you can't find it in you to laugh, walk away. Say "you don't get to treat me like that." Because they don't. That's how you treat yourself with respect. That's how you teach people to treat you with respect.
Both things can be extremely liberating. (I just also mention the first one because I like laughing and because it can feel amazing to laugh away things that once bothered you.)
posted by Omnomnom at 2:04 PM on May 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
But if this is someone I care about, if they have some kind of power over me (like, stir up others against me), or if I'm secretly not sure they maybe do have a point, this is absolutely devastating. I feel humiliated and full of rage and tears.
So, if you can muster up fascinated amusement, do lean back with a smile and say "why, you funny little person!". Because she is. I mean, come on. How small and silly would you have to be to act like that?!
And then keep up the smiling and head shaking as she loses her cool.
If you can't find it in you to laugh, walk away. Say "you don't get to treat me like that." Because they don't. That's how you treat yourself with respect. That's how you teach people to treat you with respect.
Both things can be extremely liberating. (I just also mention the first one because I like laughing and because it can feel amazing to laugh away things that once bothered you.)
posted by Omnomnom at 2:04 PM on May 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
Them: "Oh blah blah blah, you didn't hang out with me enough [jab about weight] [boast about boyfriends] [jab about employment / relationship / hair]."
You: "That's because you're mean to me."
Them: "I'm not mean, you're so fat / sensitive / undateable."
You: "Exactly. Goodbye."
posted by mibo at 2:19 PM on May 31, 2013
You: "That's because you're mean to me."
Them: "I'm not mean, you're so fat / sensitive / undateable."
You: "Exactly. Goodbye."
posted by mibo at 2:19 PM on May 31, 2013
The ex-friends' behavior seems pretty far beyond the pale. It's so bizarre (goading someone at a relative's funeral?!) that I found myself wondering if maybe their actions weren't as mean-spirited as they came across. For instance, in the third example, is it possible that what seemed like silent treatment was just a matter of the friend being busy or forgetful? I'm not suggesting that it's not reasonable to be hurt by these friends' actions (I probably would have been), but it might actually help you feel better to consider the possibility that these friends weren't trying to make you feel bad, they were just being thoughtless and rude.
Whether these people are saying hurtful things with malice or negligence, you might be able to make them stop if you question their behavior. Saying something like, "What makes you say people from private schools don't have jobs?" or "I'm surprised it seems like I'm not calling you often enough. I think I called you a couple of times last week, right?" might make them realize that they can't just hurl comments at you without getting some push-back. A lot of passive-aggressive people will back down pretty quickly if you subtly call out what they're doing or put them in the position of having to back up their claims.
posted by drosophelia at 2:35 PM on May 31, 2013
Whether these people are saying hurtful things with malice or negligence, you might be able to make them stop if you question their behavior. Saying something like, "What makes you say people from private schools don't have jobs?" or "I'm surprised it seems like I'm not calling you often enough. I think I called you a couple of times last week, right?" might make them realize that they can't just hurl comments at you without getting some push-back. A lot of passive-aggressive people will back down pretty quickly if you subtly call out what they're doing or put them in the position of having to back up their claims.
posted by drosophelia at 2:35 PM on May 31, 2013
I try and take the high road and be polite or smile and nod when they talk, but it hurts and still makes me feel bad. I know I should just get over it and move on, but I don’t understand why they act the way they do.
They all sound like small-minded, immature bullies who liked having you around when convenient in order to make them feel superior. When you stopped associating with them, they got upset because you'd seemed like an easy target and an easy outlet for their anger, and they probably resent that you got strong enough to walk away. Why they are bullies is none of your business and nothing you should concern yourself with. They sound like miserable people.
Your question gives me the impression that you're rather meek and reserved, and this can sometimes tend to attract personalities like that. Their behavior reminds me of how female bullies act in high school and middle school. That these women are old enough to even be referred to as "women" is disturbing.
posted by wondermouse at 2:47 PM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
They all sound like small-minded, immature bullies who liked having you around when convenient in order to make them feel superior. When you stopped associating with them, they got upset because you'd seemed like an easy target and an easy outlet for their anger, and they probably resent that you got strong enough to walk away. Why they are bullies is none of your business and nothing you should concern yourself with. They sound like miserable people.
Your question gives me the impression that you're rather meek and reserved, and this can sometimes tend to attract personalities like that. Their behavior reminds me of how female bullies act in high school and middle school. That these women are old enough to even be referred to as "women" is disturbing.
posted by wondermouse at 2:47 PM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
Everyone above has given you great advice. I'll reword it slightly - they have a script that they follow and expect. The script is that hey say bad things to you and you take it. That has always happened before and they expect it to always happen again.
Break the script.
Break the script and they will become flummoxed and not know what to to. If it ever happens again just say, quite calmly and distinctly," Tina, just shut the f**k up about me" and (very important) hold and do not break direct eye contact the entire time. Say nothing else and just stare and try to look angry.
What will then happen is that they will say something dismissive and angry but they will shut the eff up about you from that point forward. They will continue to say bad things about you behind your back of course but probably not again to your face.
posted by Podkayne of Pasadena at 3:02 PM on May 31, 2013
Break the script.
Break the script and they will become flummoxed and not know what to to. If it ever happens again just say, quite calmly and distinctly," Tina, just shut the f**k up about me" and (very important) hold and do not break direct eye contact the entire time. Say nothing else and just stare and try to look angry.
What will then happen is that they will say something dismissive and angry but they will shut the eff up about you from that point forward. They will continue to say bad things about you behind your back of course but probably not again to your face.
posted by Podkayne of Pasadena at 3:02 PM on May 31, 2013
Just laugh at them and walk away. Their lives are pathetic and mockable if they need to cut you down in order to feel good about themselves. You could also pity them but really, why waste the energy when laughter is much more fulfilling?
posted by elizardbits at 4:47 PM on May 31, 2013
posted by elizardbits at 4:47 PM on May 31, 2013
It must suck to be them. Really. They go to a lot of trouble to say petty shit to try and make you feel bad. Take comfort that you intentionally drifted away from that bullshit and starved them of the pleasure of continuing to troll you, and that they're well aware of it. Feel free, if you're in a situation where you can't break away from one or more of them, to scan the room with a disinterested look on you're face as they're prattling on about whatever it is that they're running their mouths about. Check your phone. Act like they're the least interesting things in the room, because they are. Mean girls right out of Central Casting. So predictable.
Don't make their behavior about you, because people like that always find someone to troll. The responsibility is all on them.
I hereby volunteer if you want to rehearse various scenarios and fine-tune your reactions until they become second nature.
posted by SillyShepherd at 5:46 PM on May 31, 2013
Don't make their behavior about you, because people like that always find someone to troll. The responsibility is all on them.
I hereby volunteer if you want to rehearse various scenarios and fine-tune your reactions until they become second nature.
posted by SillyShepherd at 5:46 PM on May 31, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions, it is very appreciated.
@drosophelia- I understand being busy, but it happened before and when we would get together, she would make remarks about how she hasn't seen me in so long and basically hint that she was miffed that I had to cancel or re-schedule. She also wouldn't talk to me for months and then call me and ask if I was mad at her. (Huh?!)
posted by lawgirl at 7:52 PM on May 31, 2013
@drosophelia- I understand being busy, but it happened before and when we would get together, she would make remarks about how she hasn't seen me in so long and basically hint that she was miffed that I had to cancel or re-schedule. She also wouldn't talk to me for months and then call me and ask if I was mad at her. (Huh?!)
posted by lawgirl at 7:52 PM on May 31, 2013
It's an unpopular idea, but sometimes it's ok to feel better than other people. I think this might be one of those times. Done right, it can make you feel invulnerable.
posted by milarepa at 8:27 PM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by milarepa at 8:27 PM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
so she said "Oh well!" with a satisfied smirk on her face and then paraded off.
This reads like you're trying to persuade us - and yourself - that these are bad friends. You don't need to do it, dude. Not liking someone - even if they are nice - is reason enough to avoid them and ignore them.
I get the sense from your question that you replay a lot of these narratives in your head and consider them from lots of angles, and your role in them. Don't do it - just ignore them. If you see them coming up to you at social situations just walk away; it's totally fine.
posted by smoke at 2:51 AM on June 1, 2013
This reads like you're trying to persuade us - and yourself - that these are bad friends. You don't need to do it, dude. Not liking someone - even if they are nice - is reason enough to avoid them and ignore them.
I get the sense from your question that you replay a lot of these narratives in your head and consider them from lots of angles, and your role in them. Don't do it - just ignore them. If you see them coming up to you at social situations just walk away; it's totally fine.
posted by smoke at 2:51 AM on June 1, 2013
You know, sometimes "fuck off, asshole" is the exact right thing to say.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:34 AM on June 1, 2013
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:34 AM on June 1, 2013
Pity annoys people like this more than anything else. Smile pityingly at them and you'll be in a more empowered position than them. Indeed, it's OK to feel pity for people who feel the need to lash out an hurt other people. They must be carrying a lot of emotional pain with them. Happy people don't behave like this, and who wants to be unhappy? That sucks.
Remember how lucky you are to not have to deal with these people any more. Even as they're showing you just how spiteful and mean and hateful they are, think to yourself that you're not like that. You're not carrying all that pain around with you. You're an emotionally regulated grown adult, unlike these other individuals apparently are.
I've known people behave this way when they're jealous. They try to take the good things that the other person has away from them, because they want them for themselves. And if they can't take them away, they try to tarnish them so that the other person can't enjoy them as much.
Finally, this isn't about you. You just happen to be the nearest target. I guess it's possible that these individuals have a hate-on just for you, specifically, but I think that's quite unlikely. When you see someone, what you see is filtered through your own thoughts, experiences and expectations. They're not seeing you-as-lawgirl, they're seeing some other version of you that they've created in their own heads.
posted by Solomon at 1:01 PM on June 2, 2013
Remember how lucky you are to not have to deal with these people any more. Even as they're showing you just how spiteful and mean and hateful they are, think to yourself that you're not like that. You're not carrying all that pain around with you. You're an emotionally regulated grown adult, unlike these other individuals apparently are.
I've known people behave this way when they're jealous. They try to take the good things that the other person has away from them, because they want them for themselves. And if they can't take them away, they try to tarnish them so that the other person can't enjoy them as much.
Finally, this isn't about you. You just happen to be the nearest target. I guess it's possible that these individuals have a hate-on just for you, specifically, but I think that's quite unlikely. When you see someone, what you see is filtered through your own thoughts, experiences and expectations. They're not seeing you-as-lawgirl, they're seeing some other version of you that they've created in their own heads.
posted by Solomon at 1:01 PM on June 2, 2013
Response by poster: I think the thing that boggles my mind is that I'm not saying anything mean or spiteful to them at all. I would understand it more if I said something and they were defending themselves or something, but I'm not! I also didn't steal anyone's boyfriend or post weird comments on social media (I'm not on any social media sites), so I'm not provoking them. I think maybe by me trying to steer clear from them, this is what ticks them off? So they want to start drama? I don't know.
@smoke: My cousin, who was standing nearby, asked me who was the girl that paraded off. (So I worded it based on that description, wasn't sure how else to put it.) I'm not trying to persuade anyone, just trying to figure out what is going on and trying to get feedback. I wrote the descriptions about my ex-friends because I wasn't sure if I was being overly sensitive to the situations and thought well, maybe it's just me. Maybe I need to lighten up or what they say/do isn't that bad.
posted by lawgirl at 3:33 PM on June 2, 2013
@smoke: My cousin, who was standing nearby, asked me who was the girl that paraded off. (So I worded it based on that description, wasn't sure how else to put it.) I'm not trying to persuade anyone, just trying to figure out what is going on and trying to get feedback. I wrote the descriptions about my ex-friends because I wasn't sure if I was being overly sensitive to the situations and thought well, maybe it's just me. Maybe I need to lighten up or what they say/do isn't that bad.
posted by lawgirl at 3:33 PM on June 2, 2013
You don't need to do anything. This isn't about you. Someone can be jealous of you or what you have without you even knowing they exist. What matters is that they know that you have it. That's provocation enough for them. They're trying to drag you down to their level, and the more you don't engage, the harder they have to work to get you to feel bad. Read up on the concept of the extinction burst. They'll likely ramp up their behaviours until you react, and then keep their behaviours at that level as they'll know that that's what they have to do to get a rise out of you.
Or maybe they're just assholes.
posted by Solomon at 4:31 PM on June 2, 2013
Or maybe they're just assholes.
posted by Solomon at 4:31 PM on June 2, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Stop smiling and nodding, start saying "It's not OK to say that to me" and/or getting up and walking away.
posted by ottereroticist at 1:00 PM on May 31, 2013 [4 favorites]