Condom induced erectile dysfunction
March 11, 2013 6:14 AM Subscribe
I have condom induced erectile dysfunction. I would love suggestions on condom brands or other solutions for this not to be a problem.
In the past, this was not an issue for me because I was able to work around it. One former girlfriend was on the pill so condoms weren't used. A subsequent girlfriend was fine with using no condom at the beginning of intercourse and then switching to a condom at the end. I was able to maintain an erection doing the latter situation most times but not all.
The new girl that I'm seeing is not OK with either of these options. I have no problems maintaining an erection prior to the condom coming out but getting it on will either kill my erection, or I will be able to have sex for a few minutes and then my boner is dead. Last night we used three condoms and then finally gave up.
Other details:
-Duration of foreplay does not seem to help with this.
-I currently use Trojan ultrathin. I also have tried Kimono ultra thins. I believe I have tried others but don't recall the brands.
-27 year old male. Very healthy. No heart problems, testosterone seems normal, healthy sex drive. I've had this problem since I started having sex.
In the past, this was not an issue for me because I was able to work around it. One former girlfriend was on the pill so condoms weren't used. A subsequent girlfriend was fine with using no condom at the beginning of intercourse and then switching to a condom at the end. I was able to maintain an erection doing the latter situation most times but not all.
The new girl that I'm seeing is not OK with either of these options. I have no problems maintaining an erection prior to the condom coming out but getting it on will either kill my erection, or I will be able to have sex for a few minutes and then my boner is dead. Last night we used three condoms and then finally gave up.
Other details:
-Duration of foreplay does not seem to help with this.
-I currently use Trojan ultrathin. I also have tried Kimono ultra thins. I believe I have tried others but don't recall the brands.
-27 year old male. Very healthy. No heart problems, testosterone seems normal, healthy sex drive. I've had this problem since I started having sex.
Seconding size. I have, er, worked with enough of a range of endowments to personally have seen a difference between a given guy using the regular size and the XL size; sometimes it really does make a difference.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:29 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:29 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Two other possible alternatives to try:
1) Textured condoms (i.e. ribbed or something similar) might increase the "feedback" you get from movement.
2) A Polyurethane (instead of latex) condom also has a different "feel" to it.
posted by 1367 at 6:31 AM on March 11, 2013
1) Textured condoms (i.e. ribbed or something similar) might increase the "feedback" you get from movement.
2) A Polyurethane (instead of latex) condom also has a different "feel" to it.
posted by 1367 at 6:31 AM on March 11, 2013
It sounds like performance anxiety, rather than something specific that can be solved by a choice of condom.
In your mind, condoms = bad sex, lack of sensation etc. This is both because you are used to not wearing them and because your putting them on and off with a former girlfriend has just made condoms into buzzkills.
The way to refocus this is to make condoms part of your foreplay. So, rather than them being a necessary chore *you* have to deal with in order to have sex, make them part of the act of love making for you both. By making condoms integral to foreplay, you give yourself a reason to enjoy wearing them. Without them, you get no sex. With them, your girlfriend focuses part of the act of foreplay on your todger and - eventually - your brain retrains itself to stop feeling condoms as the party pooper.
posted by MuffinMan at 6:46 AM on March 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
In your mind, condoms = bad sex, lack of sensation etc. This is both because you are used to not wearing them and because your putting them on and off with a former girlfriend has just made condoms into buzzkills.
The way to refocus this is to make condoms part of your foreplay. So, rather than them being a necessary chore *you* have to deal with in order to have sex, make them part of the act of love making for you both. By making condoms integral to foreplay, you give yourself a reason to enjoy wearing them. Without them, you get no sex. With them, your girlfriend focuses part of the act of foreplay on your todger and - eventually - your brain retrains itself to stop feeling condoms as the party pooper.
posted by MuffinMan at 6:46 AM on March 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
Without knowing the whole situation, I would say to try a larger condom as well. I find that when I have used one of the brands known to be slightly smaller that the condom is too tight and doesn't allow for any movement inside of it. This decreases stimulation and for me, makes it difficult to orgasm. I could easily see the decreased stimulation resulting in difficulty maintaining an erection as well.
Also, make sure you're applying them properly. That can cause issues as well.
posted by Vonnegut27 at 6:50 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, make sure you're applying them properly. That can cause issues as well.
posted by Vonnegut27 at 6:50 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
How about a *really* larger condom? As in a female condom? Did the trick for me when Kimonos lost their magic.
posted by troywestfield at 6:52 AM on March 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by troywestfield at 6:52 AM on March 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
Seconding going for wider condoms. That helps.
Also, put a little bit of lube on the inside near the head. A dab will improve sensation and reduce that latex-y feeling.
posted by Mercaptan at 7:08 AM on March 11, 2013
Also, put a little bit of lube on the inside near the head. A dab will improve sensation and reduce that latex-y feeling.
posted by Mercaptan at 7:08 AM on March 11, 2013
Yeah, the word on this, speaking as a former sex educator, is practice and early integration. (That means: not shoving on a condom right before intercourse, but putting one on and hanging out with it.) This situation will change, but it takes a good bit of time and along the way it's pretty frustrating and terrible and completely not fun.
There's nothing wrong with you, though! It's just a substantial change, both physically and mentally, in what you do and how you do it. On the plus side, it's a good thing to learn for the future.
But I do promise you this will change over a course of weeks and months. Try not to be pissed off at yourself or at her or the world. If you guys can have a laugh and work together (like, spending some time with you wearing a condom but not going in for intercourse, etc.) it'll likely go a bit faster.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:16 AM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
There's nothing wrong with you, though! It's just a substantial change, both physically and mentally, in what you do and how you do it. On the plus side, it's a good thing to learn for the future.
But I do promise you this will change over a course of weeks and months. Try not to be pissed off at yourself or at her or the world. If you guys can have a laugh and work together (like, spending some time with you wearing a condom but not going in for intercourse, etc.) it'll likely go a bit faster.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:16 AM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Go and buy multiple condoms, perhaps trying the different brands recommended above, and practice applying them on your own. Feel free to go all the way from the first date. Basically, you are looking to feel more comfortable with getting them on so that it takes less time and doesn't break your mood during more co-operative sex, makes you feel more comfortable with being able to get some stimulation while wearing them and also lets you practice applying them without tearing etc.
You might also consider your mindset as to condom use, they're not something to use only if a female partner insists, they are something you need to consider using when sleeping with someone new. So increasing your comfort with condom use is not just about continuing to have sex now, but about maintaining your 'very healthy' status in the future.
posted by biffa at 7:37 AM on March 11, 2013
You might also consider your mindset as to condom use, they're not something to use only if a female partner insists, they are something you need to consider using when sleeping with someone new. So increasing your comfort with condom use is not just about continuing to have sex now, but about maintaining your 'very healthy' status in the future.
posted by biffa at 7:37 AM on March 11, 2013
I see a different issue here. Either she will consider becoming more accommodating to your situation, of there is a good chance your very damaging frustration will end this new relationship (she is not getting the sex she desires as well).
I would talk to her, not near/after sex, but some other point in the day.
posted by Kruger5 at 8:05 AM on March 11, 2013
I would talk to her, not near/after sex, but some other point in the day.
posted by Kruger5 at 8:05 AM on March 11, 2013
You can start masturbating with a condom on. Right now, you might be building a link in your mind where "condom = bad sexual experience" and "no condom (i.e. masturbating) = better sexual experience".
Linking condoms with staying hard and coming could be helpful.
posted by andoatnp at 8:43 AM on March 11, 2013 [9 favorites]
Linking condoms with staying hard and coming could be helpful.
posted by andoatnp at 8:43 AM on March 11, 2013 [9 favorites]
Find some quality alone time, get an erection, almost climax, put on condom, continue.
Repeat until putting on a condom isn't a de-boning experience.
posted by zippy at 8:51 AM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Repeat until putting on a condom isn't a de-boning experience.
posted by zippy at 8:51 AM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Try a non latex condom. They transfer heat better and tend to be a bit less fitted.
posted by sunshinesky at 9:44 AM on March 11, 2013
posted by sunshinesky at 9:44 AM on March 11, 2013
I see a different issue here. Either she will consider becoming more accommodating to your situation, of there is a good chance your very damaging frustration will end this new relationship (she is not getting the sex she desires as well).
I would talk to her, not near/after sex, but some other point in the day.
LOL NO. if i were in her shoes, i'd be willing to wait/help as you worked on getting used to condoms, but if you told me you just flat out weren't going to do it and i should "become more accommodating", the next sentence out of my mouth would be "have a nice life!" and i'd be having sex with some other dude soon enough. with a condom.
posted by lia at 10:12 AM on March 11, 2013 [12 favorites]
I would talk to her, not near/after sex, but some other point in the day.
LOL NO. if i were in her shoes, i'd be willing to wait/help as you worked on getting used to condoms, but if you told me you just flat out weren't going to do it and i should "become more accommodating", the next sentence out of my mouth would be "have a nice life!" and i'd be having sex with some other dude soon enough. with a condom.
posted by lia at 10:12 AM on March 11, 2013 [12 favorites]
most gays and ladies i know, myself included, have encountered new relationship boners that had problems with condoms. zero of us have peaced out because of the initial limp dick; all have peaced out because of the attitude of the limp dick's owner.
like other people have said in this thread: this is something he can fix. a guy who pressures his lady to "become more accommodating" and not use condoms (the best way to protect yourself from stds!) just so he doesn't have to work on a problem that he's known about for a while that's actually fixable is a super gross douchebag and deserves to be dumped.
posted by lia at 10:35 AM on March 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
like other people have said in this thread: this is something he can fix. a guy who pressures his lady to "become more accommodating" and not use condoms (the best way to protect yourself from stds!) just so he doesn't have to work on a problem that he's known about for a while that's actually fixable is a super gross douchebag and deserves to be dumped.
posted by lia at 10:35 AM on March 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
Beyond 7 and Trojan ENZ for fit. Glide may be worth a shot too or maybe I just have fond associations...
Enspiral or other bulb type condoms for slideyness. These used to be a novelty but now you can find them at CVS.
Always: A drop (no more, no less) of lube in the tip for Him, and as needed outside for her.
Taking Red Chinese Ginseng has some research behind it ... And even if that's bunko, the psychosomatic effect is probably all you need.
Masturbate with a condom on. This is a good excuse to sort out your nearly expired stash and use those up.
Try different positions for putting the condom on ... Some people may need as little interruption as possible and put it on from lying down. For some reason, sitting up on the side of the bed works best for me. Having your partner put it on can help. Obviously pull it out of the drawer and on a bedside table as soon as hanky panky starts so you don't end up fussing around.
Woman on top while the man masturbates to closeness and then insert to finish -- that is a good trick to retrain from old habits. Remember to reward such female heroics with lots of attention (oral or touch play) both before and after such an attempt.
posted by Skwirl at 10:58 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Enspiral or other bulb type condoms for slideyness. These used to be a novelty but now you can find them at CVS.
Always: A drop (no more, no less) of lube in the tip for Him, and as needed outside for her.
Taking Red Chinese Ginseng has some research behind it ... And even if that's bunko, the psychosomatic effect is probably all you need.
Masturbate with a condom on. This is a good excuse to sort out your nearly expired stash and use those up.
Try different positions for putting the condom on ... Some people may need as little interruption as possible and put it on from lying down. For some reason, sitting up on the side of the bed works best for me. Having your partner put it on can help. Obviously pull it out of the drawer and on a bedside table as soon as hanky panky starts so you don't end up fussing around.
Woman on top while the man masturbates to closeness and then insert to finish -- that is a good trick to retrain from old habits. Remember to reward such female heroics with lots of attention (oral or touch play) both before and after such an attempt.
posted by Skwirl at 10:58 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mod note: A couple comments removed. Kruger5, we've talked to you about not using Ask threads as a venue to argue with other users, this is a reminder that that needs to not happen.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:01 AM on March 11, 2013
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:01 AM on March 11, 2013
OP : accommodation does not imply pressure or force. A conversation about what both she and you can do to resolve this is not abnormal and part of a healthy relationship that can progress. How you talk to her can make all the difference - MeMail on details.
posted by Kruger5 at 11:14 AM on March 11, 2013
posted by Kruger5 at 11:14 AM on March 11, 2013
Nthing a switch to a larger brand (and possibly trying out non-latex condoms). The brand "Skyn" (from Lifestyles) is made from polyisoprene, and they're on the large side.
posted by the_bone at 11:16 AM on March 11, 2013
posted by the_bone at 11:16 AM on March 11, 2013
To provide optimal protection against both STIs and pregnancy, condoms need to be used for all penis-vagina contact. Your current partner is being safe, and you and your former partner lucked out in that no unwanted consequences resulted from your not following condom best practices.
Seconding everyone who suggests masturbating with condoms. Also looking into female condoms as an option.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:20 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Seconding everyone who suggests masturbating with condoms. Also looking into female condoms as an option.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:20 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Dan Savage has suggested
posted by sarah_pdx at 12:55 PM on March 11, 2013
- A drop of lube in the tip to enhance feeling. Obviously, you don't want so much lube that it falls off though.
- masturbating with a condom
posted by sarah_pdx at 12:55 PM on March 11, 2013
If it starts to feel frustrating, remember what it's like for some women to adjust to hormonal birth control or find the right pill-- terrible mood swings, acne, cramps, &c. (Birth control can make these things better or worse depending on your body and the brand.) I had nausea for two months when I started. Practicing with condoms is comparably painless, just frustrating, but worth working through. I like the pill, but if you're going to be making a lifestyle change, the one where you practice getting over a past difficulty and get to use condoms is better than the one where she has to experiment with her hormone levels and possibly feel sick and moody and maybe never feel like herself as long as she's on the pill.
I agree about masturbating with condoms. I don't really think there's anything she can do to be more "accommodating," besides be nice-- there's no solution to the problem except using a condom. (Female condoms are an option, if it really doesn't work out for you.)
posted by stoneandstar at 3:53 PM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
I agree about masturbating with condoms. I don't really think there's anything she can do to be more "accommodating," besides be nice-- there's no solution to the problem except using a condom. (Female condoms are an option, if it really doesn't work out for you.)
posted by stoneandstar at 3:53 PM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
In my experience, Trojan is much tighter than Durex. Try those. World of difference imho.
posted by cali59 at 2:22 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by cali59 at 2:22 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
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If you like ultrathins you could try the Trojan Magnum or Trojan XL - both are substantially larger and much more likely to be comfortable.
I'd steer clear of the Kimonos altogether - Japanese condoms tend to run small as a rule.
posted by Jilder at 6:26 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]