Dog jokes

January 13, 2013 7:06 PM

Please to give me your best dog jokes. Thanks!
posted by HotToddy to Society & Culture (46 answers total)

My dog has no nose
How does he smell
Terrible
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:09 PM on January 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Why does a dog lick his balls?
Because he can.
posted by pyro979 at 7:09 PM on January 13, 2013

What Do You Call A Dog With No Legs?
Doesn't Matter, It Won't Come Anyway.
posted by pyro979 at 7:10 PM on January 13, 2013

I like the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there was really a dog.
posted by Balonious Assault at 7:13 PM on January 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

As clean as Three Rivers can get it.
posted by oceano at 7:24 PM on January 13, 2013

Why does a dog lick his penis?
Because he can't make a fist.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:26 PM on January 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 7:30 PM on January 13, 2013 [10 favorites]

Where do you park your dog at night?
In a barking lot.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 7:31 PM on January 13, 2013

Every night, a guy who lives above a bar tucks a ten spot into his dog's collar and sends the pooch downstairs.

Every night, the dog returns a few minutes later with a fresh pack of cigarettes tucked into his collar.

One evening the guy has only a twenty dollar bill - but he figures the bartender will tuck in the change along with his pack of smokes and sends the dog downstairs.

Half an hour later, when the dog hasn't returned, the guy trundles down to see what's up.

And there's the dog, perched on a stool, happily lapping beer from a pint glass.

"What's going on?" the guy exclaims, "he's never done this before!"

The dog turns his head and says, "I've never had the money before."
posted by Pudhoho at 7:32 PM on January 13, 2013 [11 favorites]

A three legged dog limps into an old west saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

(Sorry.)
posted by The Deej at 7:33 PM on January 13, 2013 [17 favorites]

Guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm. Bartender yells, "Hey! Get outta here! We don't allow dogs in here!"

Guy says, "No no, you don't understand. This dog can talk!"

Bartender, skeptical: "Oh yeah? Prove it."

So the guy says to his dog, "Doggie, what's on top of a house?" Dog: "Ruf!"

Guy: "Pooch, what does sandpaper feel like?" Dog: "Ruf!"

Guy: "And who's the greatest ballplayer of all time?" Dog: "Ruf!"

Bartender: "Ah, this is a con! He ain't talkin'! You and your dog, get outta here!"

Outside of the bar, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Guess I should have said DiMaggio."
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 7:33 PM on January 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

Another talking dog joke:

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a fucking liar."
posted by drlith at 7:36 PM on January 13, 2013 [22 favorites]

A dog walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender say "holy shit, a talking dog!"
posted by griphus at 7:37 PM on January 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Why does a dog lick his balls?
Because he can.

Can I try that?
I don't know, if it was me I'd pet him first.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 7:39 PM on January 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

A dog walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender say "holy shit, a talking dog!"

Different story, same punchline.
posted by gamera at 7:39 PM on January 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

Three dogs are in the waiting room of a vets office. The first dog asked the second dog "What are you here for?"

"I crap and pee all over the house so I'm going to be put to sleep. What are you here for?" the second dog asked.

"Whenever my master is gone, I tear the house apart. I bite
and chew on everything. I'm going to be put to sleep, too" replied the first dog.

The first two dogs look to the third dog and ask "What are you here for?"

"Well, one day my mistress was bent over vacuuming the floor and I just couldn't help myself and I humped her." said the third dog.

"They're going to put you to sleep for that!?" exclaimed the first two dogs.

"No! I'm just here to get my nails clipped."
posted by bondcliff at 7:41 PM on January 13, 2013 [5 favorites]

I don't know, if it was me I'd pet him first.

Variation:

Two guys walking down the street spot a dog licking himself.
First guy: Man, I wish I could do that.
Second guy: Son, that dog would bite you.
posted by jquinby at 7:44 PM on January 13, 2013 [13 favorites]

Not a joke, but dog funny anyway:
Dog Rules
1. The dog is not allowed in the house
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all furniture but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
posted by lois1950 at 8:29 PM on January 13, 2013 [13 favorites]

A German Shepherd walks into a Western Union, goes up to the window, noses a form toward the clerk, and seems to indicate he wants to send a message.

The clerk is amused and laughs a little as she says, "okay, boy, what do you want it to say?"

The dog barks, "Woof-woof, woof-woof-woof, woof, woof-woof."

The clerk giggles as she dutifully fills in the spaces, then says, "well, that's only eight words - you can add two more for the same price!" and busts out laughing.

The dog cocks his head to one side, licks his jowls, and says, "why the fuck would I do that? I already said all I had to say."
posted by batmonkey at 8:32 PM on January 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

He wanted to get a long, little doggy.
posted by argonauta at 8:43 PM on January 13, 2013 [18 favorites]

So a guy goes into the vet with his dog and says: "Help, my dog is really sick". The vet looks at the dog and says "I'm sorry, but your dog has died". The guy is really broken up and says "Are you sure, isn't there some sort of test to make sure he's really dead?". So the vet goes into the next room and comes back with a cat. The cat goes up to the guys dog and sniffs at it and walks around a few times, then goes up to the vet and meows twice. The vet picks up the cat and leaves the room. He comes back in with a black retriever dog on a leash. He unhooks the leash and the retriever goes up to the guy's dog and noses it a few times. The retriever then goes up to the vet and barks twice. The vet puts him back on the leash and leads out of the room. When he returns, he says, "I'm sorry, but it's conclusive: your dog is dead." Then he hands the guy a bill for $500. The guy is pissed off "How can you charge me $500 to tell me my dog is dead!" The vet says "I would have told for free, the charge is for the cat scan and the lab tests you ordered".
posted by 445supermag at 8:55 PM on January 13, 2013 [9 favorites]

How to get weather reports from a dog:

Look out the window. If the dog is wet, it's raining. If the dog is really wet, it's raining hard. If the dog's back is white, it's snowing.

Sincerely,
The Cat.
posted by moonmilk at 9:25 PM on January 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Once upon a time there was a small boy who had a very shaggy dog. Now it came to pass in those days that a great shaggy dog contest was to be held to select the shaggiest dog of all. The small boy was very excited by this news and he asked his parents if he could enter their dog in the contest. His parents had no great hope of their dog winning the contest; however they were very fond of the small boy so they said, “Yes, you may enter your dog in the contest”.

The contest was arranged in a series of elimination rounds. In the first round all of the dogs in a single block would be judged and the shaggiest would be selected. The winners of the city block contests would then be matched in a precinct contest and so on and so forth.

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the city block contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, “My dog is very shaggy, too.”, and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, “My, that’s a shaggy dog.” The second judge said, “MY, that IS a shaggy dog!” The third judge said, “THAT’S the shaggiest dog I’ve ever seen.”

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the precinct contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, “My dog is very shaggy, too.”, and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, “My, that’s a shaggy dog.” The second judge said, “MY, that IS a shaggy dog!” The third judge said, “THAT’S the shaggiest dog I’ve ever seen.”

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the city wide contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, “My dog is very shaggy, too.”, and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, “My, that’s a shaggy dog.” The second judge said, “MY, that IS a shaggy dog!” The third judge said, “THAT’S the shaggiest dog I’ve ever seen.”

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the county contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, “My dog is very shaggy, too.”, and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, “My, that’s a shaggy dog.” The second judge said, “MY, that IS a shaggy dog!” The third judge said, “THAT’S the shaggiest dog I’ve ever seen.”

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the state wide contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, “My dog is very shaggy, too.”, and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, “My, that’s a shaggy dog.” The second judge said, “MY, that IS a shaggy dog!” The third judge said, “THAT’S the shaggiest dog I’ve ever seen.”

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the regional contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, “My dog is very shaggy, too.”, and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, “My, that’s a shaggy dog.” The second judge said, “MY, that IS a shaggy dog!” The third judge said, “THAT’S the shaggiest dog I’ve ever seen.”

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the national contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, “My dog is very shaggy, too.”, and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, “My, that’s a shaggy dog.” The second judge said, “MY, that IS a shaggy dog!” The third judge said, “THAT’S the shaggiest dog I’ve ever seen.”

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the world wide contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, “My dog is very shaggy, too.”, and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, “My, that’s a shaggy dog.” The second judge said, “MY, that IS a shaggy dog!” The third judge said, “Aw, that dog’s not so shaggy.”
posted by Tanizaki at 9:49 PM on January 13, 2013 [5 favorites]

A man's rottweiler with a severe squint. He takes it to the vet to see if anything can be done about it. The vet picks up his dog, peers at his eyes and says to the man "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down".

Man: "What, just because he has a squint?!"

Vet: "No, because he's so fucking heavy."
posted by NailsTheCat at 10:17 PM on January 13, 2013 [10 favorites]

Backpacker walks into a run down bar in Mexico, orders a beer, notices a big jar jammed with cash behind the bartender. "What's that?"

Bartender: "It's a contest we've had running for years now. You put 20$ in, then you find out how to win it all." Backpacker shrugs, throws down money. "OK, you have to complete 3 challenges to win. First up, you must drink this in one go"- bartender pulls out a bottle of black liquid with a faded label- "This is devil's tequila, made by a crazy lady in the hills outside of town! Second, out back of the bar we have the most vicious rottweiler ever, he has had a rotten tooth for years that causes him much pain - you must remove it! And finally, upstairs there is the world's oldest prostitute, 107, and she has never experienced an orgasm. You must pleasure her! Ready?"

Backpacker nods, slams his beer, grabs the bottle and chugs the entire thing. He then spends several minutes writhing and pinballing around the bar in a drunken stupor, before a handful of locals gleefully grab him by his jacket and eject him out the back door. Then the whole bar stops moving as they listen to a cacophony of screams, barks, growls, and general canine/human mayhem. Everything goes silent for a few minutes, and the locals are just getting nervous and heading towards the door when suddenly it bursts open. The backpacker stumbles in, clothes shredded, looks at them and asks:

"Alright, I'm ready, show me the hooker with the toothache!"
posted by mannequito at 1:12 AM on January 14, 2013 [11 favorites]

A father is walking his son to school one day when they see two dogs humping in the road.

Flustered and embarrassed, the father says to the boy, "Oh, how nice! One dog is helping the other dog to cross the street!" but the son just shakes his head in disgust, and replies, "Isn't that always the way? You try to help a friend, and they end up fucking you every time."
posted by taz at 1:35 AM on January 14, 2013

Two women out for a stroll witness two dogs humping by the side of the road.

"You and Ed ever try it that way?"

"I'd like to. But he always passes out before I can get him drunk enough to do it in the front yard."
posted by Pudhoho at 2:02 AM on January 14, 2013

Rumple shared a classic in this thread:

A man walks into a bar, says "get me a triple". Downs it in one shot.

Bartender says, "wow, man, you look rough, wanna talk?"

Man says, "I just got home from work early, and found my wife in bed with my best friend!"

Bartender pours another drink, says, "oh, that's rough. What did you say to her?"

Man says, "I said: get your skanky butt out of the house and don't come back!"

Bartender says, "Good for you, buddy. And what did you say to your best friend?"

Man says, "I told him: YOU'RE A VERY BAD DOG"

posted by maxwelton at 2:30 AM on January 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

A true story that echoes the classic dog joke. Once when I visited my now dead great uncle, he told me about all the soap operas he's watching all the time. I asked him why does he watch all these terrible, terrible shows, and he replies: "Look, Pyro, what does a dog do when he's bored? He licks his balls. But I can't reach that far. Therefore I watch soap operas."
posted by Pyrogenesis at 3:34 AM on January 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Guy walks into a bar with his dog, asks the bartender if he would like to see a talking dog. Bartender has seen nearly everything, but replies "sure, why not."
So the guy asks the dog: "What's on top of a house?"
Dog: "roof!"
Next question: "What's on the outside of a tree?"
Dog says: "bark!"
The bartender throws the man out on his ear for his ridiculous prank. So the guy leaves, dejectedly, with his dog. Walking home, the dog turns to the man and says, "What's with all the stupid questions?!"
posted by whatzit at 3:42 AM on January 14, 2013

It's so cold outside.
(How cold Is it?)
It's so cold, I just saw two fire hydrants fighting over a dog.
posted by Sunburnt at 8:01 AM on January 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

I spilled spot remover on my dog.
posted by edgeways at 9:17 AM on January 14, 2013

Does your dog bite?
No.
[CHOMP]
Ow! Hey! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!?

.
.
.
That's not my dog.
posted by edgeways at 9:18 AM on January 14, 2013

A fellow named Dennis is at the movies, seeing a new film that's the talk of the town. It's a few weeks into the film's run, so it's just him and a couple other people in the theater, as well as a man who is sitting next to a large dog. He figures this is a service animal or something, and pays it no mind.

But as the lights dim and the movie starts, his attention goes to the dog more and more. A fascinating thing happens: The dog appears to understand the film perfectly. Its tongue hangs out in a wide doggy smile when a character tells a funny joke. It growls apprehensively when the villain shows up. At particularly sad moments, it lets out a little sad howl. At the end, when the hero triumphs - sorry, spoilers, I should have said - it gives a few happy barks of celebration.

At this point Dennis is much more interested in this strangely singular dog than in the film itself. When the credits roll and the lights come up and everyone is sort of shuffling out of the theater, he decides he simply must talk to the owner of this impressive creature.

"Sir," says Dennis, "Sir, please pardon the intrusion. I just wanted to come over and say that I find your dog's behavior simply unbelievable!"

"Frankly, so do I," says the man. "He hated the book."
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:08 AM on January 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

A composer had a song purchased for use in a film. He was very excited, this being his first sale, and went to the premiere in high spirits. He sat in the back row next to a young couple. When the movie started, however, he was shocked to find that the film was not the mainstream fare that he had been led to believe - it was a porno.

The film grew more and more extreme and the composer grew more and more uncomfortable, until finally, he could stand it no more. He leaned over to the couple next to him and whispered, "This is not my kind of film! I'm only here to listen to the music." The man whispered back, "Don't worry! We're only here to see our dog."
posted by dirtdirt at 11:18 AM on January 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Tanizaki: I see what you did there.

Thank you for doing it in print.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:33 AM on January 14, 2013

Dogs are forever in the push-up position - Mitch Hedberg
posted by Twicketface at 11:36 AM on January 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

My dog: the paradox
posted by dinosaurprincess at 3:28 PM on January 14, 2013

Two guys walking down the street spot a dog licking himself.
First guy: Man, I wish I could do that.
Second guy: Son, that dog would bite you.

Alternate Second guy line: Give him a biscuit, maybe he'll let you!
posted by kate4914 at 3:54 PM on January 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

A man walks into a bar at about midday, and it has only three other occupants: The bartender, a dog, and a cat.

He orders his drink, and the dog gets up, stretches, says, "Well, gotta head out," and walks out.

Stunned, the man says, "Did you hear that? The -- the dog just talked!"

"Nah," says the bartender. "Don't be a jackass. Dogs can't talk."

"What? But I assure you I just heard it, clear as day!"

"Nah," says the bartender. "It's that smartass cat over there. He's a ventriloquist."
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 4:47 PM on January 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

A sentry was bitten by a dog and shot it in self-defense. The owner sued and he was put on trial.

"Why didn't you hit the dog with the butt end of your rifle?" asked the owner's attorney.

To which the sentry replied, "Why didn't the dog bite me with his tail?"
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 4:52 PM on January 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

This guy had a dog with no legs. He called it "Cigarette". He was always taking it out for a drag.
posted by nevan at 5:49 PM on January 14, 2013

Two traders are walking down the street talking. They're making small talk and bullshitting about the chances the Bulls win the NBA championship. Finally one trader says to the other, "Oh, hey I almost forgot to tell you. I got a dog for my wife." Without missing a beat, the other guy says, "Nice trade."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:58 PM on January 14, 2013

I went to the new zoo yesterday.

They only had one dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.
posted by pignewtons at 6:38 PM on January 14, 2013

Response by poster: Thanks, everyone! These are for a friend who's in the hospital. Can't really mark a best answer but I'm partial to the "get a long, little doggie" one!
posted by HotToddy at 7:32 AM on January 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best wishes to your friend. Hope these lifted his/her spirits.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 11:14 PM on January 15, 2013