Being friends with a guy while dating
June 15, 2012 1:30 PM Subscribe
How do you balance out dating and being good friends with a guy?
I've been friends with my guy friend for a little over a year now. Up until recently our relationship was more along the lines of saying hi once every few months, and commenting on each others facebook page if we had something to say.
Within the past 2 weeks we've started talking a lot more lately through texting and fb messages. Mostly just about plain everyday topics like movies, where we work, family, (stuff you'd talk about with a pal)etc...
Now, he's asked if i'd like to hang out sometime next week when we're both off. And i emailed asking if it was okay to bring my boyfriend along since his brother was going to be there as well and i didn't feel comfortable going without my bf and wondering if he'd be okay with me hanging out alone with him.
With this sudden interest in talking to me lately, do you think he just wants to all of a sudden be good friends or is there some interest in the back of his mind?
How do you handle dating someone while having a good guy friend at the same time?
I've been friends with my guy friend for a little over a year now. Up until recently our relationship was more along the lines of saying hi once every few months, and commenting on each others facebook page if we had something to say.
Within the past 2 weeks we've started talking a lot more lately through texting and fb messages. Mostly just about plain everyday topics like movies, where we work, family, (stuff you'd talk about with a pal)etc...
Now, he's asked if i'd like to hang out sometime next week when we're both off. And i emailed asking if it was okay to bring my boyfriend along since his brother was going to be there as well and i didn't feel comfortable going without my bf and wondering if he'd be okay with me hanging out alone with him.
With this sudden interest in talking to me lately, do you think he just wants to all of a sudden be good friends or is there some interest in the back of his mind?
How do you handle dating someone while having a good guy friend at the same time?
You tell your boyfriend you're not interested and nothing is going to happen. If your boyfriend is not Edward Cullen, this is probably fine, and you're good to go!
If you hang out with said male friend and it turns out he is into you/makes a pass at you/some kind of awkward quasi-dating situation develops, you make it abundantly clear to Male Friend that you're happily in a relationship and not interested in anything more, period, and if he really wants to be platonic friends with you then he needs to respect that.
If that approach doesn't work, you stop hanging out with the Male Friend.
You should not need a male chaperone to hang out with another guy.
posted by Sara C. at 1:34 PM on June 15, 2012 [5 favorites]
If you hang out with said male friend and it turns out he is into you/makes a pass at you/some kind of awkward quasi-dating situation develops, you make it abundantly clear to Male Friend that you're happily in a relationship and not interested in anything more, period, and if he really wants to be platonic friends with you then he needs to respect that.
If that approach doesn't work, you stop hanging out with the Male Friend.
You should not need a male chaperone to hang out with another guy.
posted by Sara C. at 1:34 PM on June 15, 2012 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: @EmpressCallipygos: No, i've not asked
posted by ohtimorousme at 1:35 PM on June 15, 2012
posted by ohtimorousme at 1:35 PM on June 15, 2012
You do this by being totally open and honest with everyone about your intentions...including yourself!
posted by Katine at 1:38 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Katine at 1:38 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
I don't see anything that would indicate another level of interest.
He now knows you have a boyfriend, so if he tries a move without your indication of permission, and ignores that fact without asking about what it means for him, he's kind of a heel.
You can certainly have all the male friends you want while also dating a man. All you need is boundaries.
You need to set your own boundaries about what kinds of interaction you'll seek and accept from others. In addition, now that you're in a relationship, you need to have clear boundaries together as a couple about what is and isn't OK for the other to do in each of your eyes. And finally, sometimes you need to be clear about your boundaries with the male friends in case they don't perceive or aren't respecting the relationship or personal boundaries you've set yourself.
posted by Miko at 1:40 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
He now knows you have a boyfriend, so if he tries a move without your indication of permission, and ignores that fact without asking about what it means for him, he's kind of a heel.
You can certainly have all the male friends you want while also dating a man. All you need is boundaries.
You need to set your own boundaries about what kinds of interaction you'll seek and accept from others. In addition, now that you're in a relationship, you need to have clear boundaries together as a couple about what is and isn't OK for the other to do in each of your eyes. And finally, sometimes you need to be clear about your boundaries with the male friends in case they don't perceive or aren't respecting the relationship or personal boundaries you've set yourself.
posted by Miko at 1:40 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
Asking the friend why he wants to hang out more often is the most direct way to find out why he wants to hang out more often, I'd think.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:40 PM on June 15, 2012
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:40 PM on June 15, 2012
If the friendship is really just a friendship and the boyfriend is not an irrational dope, then you just...be friends. I don't know what there is to "handle." (Data point: I'm a lesbian who has always had female friends when I've been in relationships, and some of those friends were sometimes exes, as well. I dated people who were not irrational on the subject.)
Did the guy who wants to hang out know you had a boyfriend before he asked you to hang out?
posted by rtha at 1:41 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
Did the guy who wants to hang out know you had a boyfriend before he asked you to hang out?
posted by rtha at 1:41 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: There isn't really, i just tend to worry he's interested if he's randomly chatting me up. It's been awhile since i've had a good guy friends, so i can't remember how the last one acted.
He should know, but i'm not too sure if he does.
posted by ohtimorousme at 1:47 PM on June 15, 2012
He should know, but i'm not too sure if he does.
posted by ohtimorousme at 1:47 PM on June 15, 2012
i just tend to worry he's interested if he's randomly chatting me up. It's been awhile since i've had a good guy friends, so i can't remember how the last one acted.
Yeah, if this is the case, then I think that maybe you're reading things into the situation that you haven't got quite enough evidence for yet. Just treat the situation the way you'd treat it if you were single and also not interested in him.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:51 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
Yeah, if this is the case, then I think that maybe you're reading things into the situation that you haven't got quite enough evidence for yet. Just treat the situation the way you'd treat it if you were single and also not interested in him.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:51 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
Then this is where boundary-setting skills come in handy. Be clear with the wanna-be-friends (?) guy that you have a boyfriend and you are not interested in more from the friend guy. You don't have to hint around or be coy about it: just say it.
posted by rtha at 1:53 PM on June 15, 2012
posted by rtha at 1:53 PM on June 15, 2012
When you asked about bringing your boyfriend along, what did he say? Was he cool with it? Not cool with it? Express reservations?
I'm not going to say I can promise he doesn't have a crush on you or anything, but thus far it sounds like he hasn't done or said anything to indicate that he might, other than spending a lot of time talking to / hanging out with you.
Which brings me to:
With this sudden interest in talking to me lately, do you think he just wants to all of a sudden be good friends or is there some interest in the back of his mind?
It kind of sounds like you're both talking a lot, so if you're equally interested in talking to him (which is how it sounds) and you don't want to get with him, maybe assume he's on the same page until he does or says something to the contrary?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:01 PM on June 15, 2012
I'm not going to say I can promise he doesn't have a crush on you or anything, but thus far it sounds like he hasn't done or said anything to indicate that he might, other than spending a lot of time talking to / hanging out with you.
Which brings me to:
With this sudden interest in talking to me lately, do you think he just wants to all of a sudden be good friends or is there some interest in the back of his mind?
It kind of sounds like you're both talking a lot, so if you're equally interested in talking to him (which is how it sounds) and you don't want to get with him, maybe assume he's on the same page until he does or says something to the contrary?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:01 PM on June 15, 2012
Response by poster: @FAMOUS MONSTER: No, he seemed fine with it told me my bf is a solid dude.
And thanks! Yeah, i'll just assume we're both on the same page for now.
posted by ohtimorousme at 9:59 PM on June 15, 2012
And thanks! Yeah, i'll just assume we're both on the same page for now.
posted by ohtimorousme at 9:59 PM on June 15, 2012
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posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:31 PM on June 15, 2012