A younger man dating an older woman
June 3, 2012 2:16 PM Subscribe
A 26 year old guy, dating a 31 year old woman, is it okay?
Hey guys just curious if a woman who is 31 years old was into a guy who is 26 (me), would the age gap be too large for it to be considered normal.
It's a five year gap, and to me that just seems too much for what is "normal"
It would be okay if the man was 26 and she was 21 but the other way around feels too milfy, or cougarish.
But what if everything about the other person you liked, you liked their personality, you found them attractive, etc...
Does it say about me that I wasn't able to attract a younger woman so there is something wrong with me?
Hey guys just curious if a woman who is 31 years old was into a guy who is 26 (me), would the age gap be too large for it to be considered normal.
It's a five year gap, and to me that just seems too much for what is "normal"
It would be okay if the man was 26 and she was 21 but the other way around feels too milfy, or cougarish.
But what if everything about the other person you liked, you liked their personality, you found them attractive, etc...
Does it say about me that I wasn't able to attract a younger woman so there is something wrong with me?
As far as I'm concerned it's fine. 5 years at your age is barely noticeable. There's no right or wrong in this sort of situation. If it's working for you then that's all there is to the matter.
posted by jontyjago at 2:20 PM on June 3, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by jontyjago at 2:20 PM on June 3, 2012 [4 favorites]
What? Of course this is fine.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 2:20 PM on June 3, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by SkylitDrawl at 2:20 PM on June 3, 2012 [7 favorites]
A five year age difference at that age is nominal. Maturity might be an issue, but you'll get that in any relationship, irrespective of the age difference.
There is nothing wrong with you. Or her. This relationship seems quite normal, to my eyes. Granted, I've dated people where there was a MUCH bigger age difference than this, so maybe my perspective is slightly different to other people's. But it's not like you're 16 and she's 21.
posted by Solomon at 2:21 PM on June 3, 2012
There is nothing wrong with you. Or her. This relationship seems quite normal, to my eyes. Granted, I've dated people where there was a MUCH bigger age difference than this, so maybe my perspective is slightly different to other people's. But it's not like you're 16 and she's 21.
posted by Solomon at 2:21 PM on June 3, 2012
Yes and who cares.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:21 PM on June 3, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:21 PM on June 3, 2012 [7 favorites]
Are you two happy with the relationship? if so, why worry about what others think?
posted by Runes at 2:21 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Runes at 2:21 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
Who cares? 10 years? 15? Either you're into them or you're not. Don't go fishing (subconsciously or not) for reasons to not go for it. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. But, 5 years is a silly reason to not try.
posted by koinonia at 2:22 PM on June 3, 2012
posted by koinonia at 2:22 PM on June 3, 2012
I think that the mental and emotional maturity gap between 21 and 26 is much, much larger than the gap between 26 and 31. If a 26 year old friend were dating a 21 year old, I'd likely question the friend's maturity level. With the 26/31 age difference, I wouldn't have those questions. The genders are, to me, irrelevant.
If you're uncomfortable with the age difference, don't date this person. But if you like her, stop judging her and yourself for your dating choices. Dating someone younger than you is not a badge of your sexual attractiveness, and dating someone older than you should not be viewed as a sacrifice. If you're ashamed of her or of yourself because of her age, do her the favor of breaking things off so that she can find someone who is proud to be with her.
posted by decathecting at 2:22 PM on June 3, 2012 [12 favorites]
If you're uncomfortable with the age difference, don't date this person. But if you like her, stop judging her and yourself for your dating choices. Dating someone younger than you is not a badge of your sexual attractiveness, and dating someone older than you should not be viewed as a sacrifice. If you're ashamed of her or of yourself because of her age, do her the favor of breaking things off so that she can find someone who is proud to be with her.
posted by decathecting at 2:22 PM on June 3, 2012 [12 favorites]
milfy, or cougarish.
It sounds like you don't respect this woman, or at least, the age difference is a deal breaker for you. What matters is what you and the woman think about this, not what we do.
posted by Specklet at 2:25 PM on June 3, 2012 [38 favorites]
It sounds like you don't respect this woman, or at least, the age difference is a deal breaker for you. What matters is what you and the woman think about this, not what we do.
posted by Specklet at 2:25 PM on June 3, 2012 [38 favorites]
Well, if you're going to end up trying to turn her into your proxy-mom (or vice-versa) that could be a problem, but now that I think about it that is a dynamic that happens regardless of age ...
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 2:26 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 2:26 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
I am older than my husband by 6.5 years. We met when he was in his senior year of college and 22 and I was 28. What matters is whether your levels of maturity match, not your calendar age.
posted by telophase at 2:28 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by telophase at 2:28 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
If it's okay for a man to date a woman five years younger, it's okay for a woman to date a man five years younger. You have been trained, by our culture, to see relationships between an older man an a younger woman as normal, and the opposite as abnormal. This is't how it actually works, though; plenty of women are with younger men, especially a gap of only five years.
Does it say about me that I wasn't able to attract a younger woman so there is something wrong with me?
This is revealing. This shows the origin of this question. You've been taught by our society that younger women are "better." A younger woman is a status symbol; an older woman reflects poorly on your masculinity because you'd only date her if you couldn't get a younger woman.
This is, to be blunt, complete sexist bullshit.
Having a girlfriend who is a few years older than you says nothing about you, but worrying about it does. It says you are insecure.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 2:29 PM on June 3, 2012 [96 favorites]
Does it say about me that I wasn't able to attract a younger woman so there is something wrong with me?
This is revealing. This shows the origin of this question. You've been taught by our society that younger women are "better." A younger woman is a status symbol; an older woman reflects poorly on your masculinity because you'd only date her if you couldn't get a younger woman.
This is, to be blunt, complete sexist bullshit.
Having a girlfriend who is a few years older than you says nothing about you, but worrying about it does. It says you are insecure.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 2:29 PM on June 3, 2012 [96 favorites]
A friend of mine started a relationship like that a couple of years ago. She was 29 when they started dating, I suppose. He was 24ish. They got married two weeks ago. This sort of thing, as with almost any relationship, is almost entirely dependent on the people involved.
posted by wierdo at 2:29 PM on June 3, 2012
posted by wierdo at 2:29 PM on June 3, 2012
A 5 year age difference when both parties are adults is totally fine and normal.
But someone thinking 31 = MILF or cougar? That's not okay. 31 isn't old at all. If you think this way already, what you are going to think when it's time for your friends to meet your girlfriend? Are you going to be embarrassed about her being 5 years closer to wearing Depends diapers or something?
posted by joan_holloway at 2:30 PM on June 3, 2012 [21 favorites]
But someone thinking 31 = MILF or cougar? That's not okay. 31 isn't old at all. If you think this way already, what you are going to think when it's time for your friends to meet your girlfriend? Are you going to be embarrassed about her being 5 years closer to wearing Depends diapers or something?
posted by joan_holloway at 2:30 PM on June 3, 2012 [21 favorites]
Of course its ok. But please make sure she never sees this question or knows about your concerns because it would be really hurtful and if I were her it would be amble reason to not date you or to dump you if I was.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:32 PM on June 3, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:32 PM on June 3, 2012 [4 favorites]
It would be okay if the man was 26 and she was 21 but the other way around feels too milfy, or cougarish.
Also, I'd just like to request that you and society as a whole work super-hard to unpack yourselves of this notion. Maybe. If you could see your way clear.
Because, "An age and power differential is okay as long as it's the man in power"? WTF.
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 2:33 PM on June 3, 2012 [39 favorites]
Also, I'd just like to request that you and society as a whole work super-hard to unpack yourselves of this notion. Maybe. If you could see your way clear.
Because, "An age and power differential is okay as long as it's the man in power"? WTF.
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 2:33 PM on June 3, 2012 [39 favorites]
A 26 year old guy, dating a 31 year old woman, is it okay?
Yes.
As far as your references to "milfy" or "cougarish", ummmmmmm, I'm 31. I'm not a mom (or even vaguely matronly). I'm not elderly. You and I most likely have virtually identical life experiences and overall approaches to the world. We like the same bands, watch the same TV shows and movies, and are nostalgic about the same Saturday morning cartoons.
posted by Sara C. at 2:34 PM on June 3, 2012 [8 favorites]
Yes.
As far as your references to "milfy" or "cougarish", ummmmmmm, I'm 31. I'm not a mom (or even vaguely matronly). I'm not elderly. You and I most likely have virtually identical life experiences and overall approaches to the world. We like the same bands, watch the same TV shows and movies, and are nostalgic about the same Saturday morning cartoons.
posted by Sara C. at 2:34 PM on June 3, 2012 [8 favorites]
The age difference is perfectly acceptable, and i know plenty of successful couples with that type of age gap.
You, on the other hand, sound immature and judgmental about both gender relations and age, and so it probably won't work out, unless your prospective girlfriend is willing to be considered milfy or a cougar, but she probably won't.
posted by Kololo at 2:37 PM on June 3, 2012 [12 favorites]
You, on the other hand, sound immature and judgmental about both gender relations and age, and so it probably won't work out, unless your prospective girlfriend is willing to be considered milfy or a cougar, but she probably won't.
posted by Kololo at 2:37 PM on June 3, 2012 [12 favorites]
A five year age difference is of no consequence if the two people involved are at the same stage of maturity. This does not seem to be the case here. She needs to be dating someone more in her maturity bracket. You need to mature some more.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 2:37 PM on June 3, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 2:37 PM on June 3, 2012 [9 favorites]
i came into say of course it's okay, but then i read your question…and if i were her, i wouldn't want to date you. not because of your age, but because or your lack of maturity.
posted by violetk at 2:39 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by violetk at 2:39 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Yeah you guys are right, I was just putting my worst fears out there, I am 100% that I can totally adjust to the idea.
I would never ever date a woman and not be proud of her, and hide her from my friends, it wouldnt be fair.
I haven't even asked her out yet but it seems like she wants me to.
If I was in a relationship with her then I'd most certainly be happy with what she was
posted by curious-mind at 2:40 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would never ever date a woman and not be proud of her, and hide her from my friends, it wouldnt be fair.
I haven't even asked her out yet but it seems like she wants me to.
If I was in a relationship with her then I'd most certainly be happy with what she was
posted by curious-mind at 2:40 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
My 31 year old girlfriend says no, it is not ok.
posted by Diskeater at 2:42 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Diskeater at 2:42 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
Like most things, it's okay with some people and not okay with others.
If you want to date this woman, pursue that goal.
posted by box at 2:43 PM on June 3, 2012
If you want to date this woman, pursue that goal.
posted by box at 2:43 PM on June 3, 2012
Response by poster: The reason I asked this question about me being "okay" with dating an older woman, was reading a okcupid research article saying how most men compete for younger women, and there were guys in the comment section saying things like "Yeah if you can't get a younger woman its because you got priced out and you suck"
I tried to not let it bother me but it did. That as a statistic men chase younger women, and dating an older woman is looked upon as failing to be able to compete with other men.
posted by curious-mind at 2:43 PM on June 3, 2012
I tried to not let it bother me but it did. That as a statistic men chase younger women, and dating an older woman is looked upon as failing to be able to compete with other men.
posted by curious-mind at 2:43 PM on June 3, 2012
I'm 39 and my fiancé is 33. So far so good. He's not concerned about the difference at all. If you two really gel as a couple then people won't see a 5 year difference in your ages.
(knocks back some Boost, turns on Matlock, heads to bed)
posted by ladygypsy at 2:43 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
(knocks back some Boost, turns on Matlock, heads to bed)
posted by ladygypsy at 2:43 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
But someone thinking 31 = MILF or cougar?
Yeah, I think you're probably too immature for this relationship, dude.
posted by elizardbits at 2:43 PM on June 3, 2012 [21 favorites]
Yeah, I think you're probably too immature for this relationship, dude.
posted by elizardbits at 2:43 PM on June 3, 2012 [21 favorites]
Okay wait, you are making life decisions based on the internets comments section of a dating site article? Oh honey. No.
posted by elizardbits at 2:44 PM on June 3, 2012 [53 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 2:44 PM on June 3, 2012 [53 favorites]
milfy, or cougarish.
31? 31??!?! Please. Cut this shit out. Seriously.
Anyway, in my early-mid 30s I dated a guy very seriously for several years who was about four years younger. The reasons it didn't work out had nothing to do with our age gap.
was reading a okcupid research article saying how most men compete for younger women, and there were guys in the comment section saying things like "Yeah if you can't get a younger woman its because you got priced out and you suck"
This is ugly, sexist cultural baggage that is insulting to men and women alike, and you will be well-served (both now and in the future) by A) seeing it for the noxious crap that it is, and B) making a conscious decision to have nothing to do with it.
posted by scody at 2:46 PM on June 3, 2012 [44 favorites]
31? 31??!?! Please. Cut this shit out. Seriously.
Anyway, in my early-mid 30s I dated a guy very seriously for several years who was about four years younger. The reasons it didn't work out had nothing to do with our age gap.
was reading a okcupid research article saying how most men compete for younger women, and there were guys in the comment section saying things like "Yeah if you can't get a younger woman its because you got priced out and you suck"
This is ugly, sexist cultural baggage that is insulting to men and women alike, and you will be well-served (both now and in the future) by A) seeing it for the noxious crap that it is, and B) making a conscious decision to have nothing to do with it.
posted by scody at 2:46 PM on June 3, 2012 [44 favorites]
Here's where it could potentially become an issue - if she wants to have children, she is facing a much steeper timeline than you are right now in life. Where two twentysomethings can wait and see where things go, maybe get married, maybe think about kids when it feels right - a couple in their 30's do have to face the reality that female fertility starts declining after 35. So if you don't think you want kids in the next 10 years, and she does -- the relationship can't work in the long run. It sounds from your question and followups that you're focusing on a lot of superficial externals about how it might affect you rather than the heart of the matter - what is she looking for in you?
posted by Mchelly at 2:53 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 2:53 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
Mod note: Folks, answering constructively is great but please try to keep it cool in here, thanks.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:56 PM on June 3, 2012
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:56 PM on June 3, 2012
Does it say about me that I wasn't able to attract a younger woman so there is something wrong with me?
Gwyneth Paltrow is five years older than Chris Martin.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you.
posted by invisible ink at 2:56 PM on June 3, 2012
Gwyneth Paltrow is five years older than Chris Martin.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you.
posted by invisible ink at 2:56 PM on June 3, 2012
Does she know that you've posted this question/have these concerns?
I know if I were in her 31-year-old shoes I would want to know if I was seeing someone who
Re your question: A 26 year old guy, dating a 31 year old woman, is it okay?
I think it's just fine if a 26 year old man is dating a 31 year old woman. But, if we're talking about a 26 year old guy, I'm not so sure.
(Just noticed that 15 comments have been posted since I started writing. I'm betting that I'm not the only one who is giving you grief about this question.)
posted by she's not there at 2:57 PM on June 3, 2012 [11 favorites]
I know if I were in her 31-year-old shoes I would want to know if I was seeing someone who
- used the word "cougar" seriously in any non-feline context, let alone applied to how others might view our relationship,
- has no problem with a double standard, i.e., "it would be okay if the man was 26 and she was 21"—as already mentioned, the difference between 21 and 26 (for most people) would be greater than between 26 and 31.
Re your question: A 26 year old guy, dating a 31 year old woman, is it okay?
I think it's just fine if a 26 year old man is dating a 31 year old woman. But, if we're talking about a 26 year old guy, I'm not so sure.
(Just noticed that 15 comments have been posted since I started writing. I'm betting that I'm not the only one who is giving you grief about this question.)
posted by she's not there at 2:57 PM on June 3, 2012 [11 favorites]
…dating an older woman is looked upon as failing to be able to compete with other men.
Who do you want to date? Her or other men?
It's a fine age gap for anyone. Best of luck -- you're gonna need it. ;)
posted by amanda at 2:58 PM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
Who do you want to date? Her or other men?
It's a fine age gap for anyone. Best of luck -- you're gonna need it. ;)
posted by amanda at 2:58 PM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
I tried to not let it bother me but it did. That as a statistic men chase younger women, and dating an older woman is looked upon as failing to be able to compete with other men.
OK, I'm here to tell you: lots of things get "looked upon as failings." And this is complete and utter bullshit that you in no way need to internalize. You know the saying, "Haters gonna hate"? There you go.
You, sincere internet stranger who is making a valiant effort to figure this out, are not a statistic. You may plug into some venn diagrams every once in a while, but the value judgements you make for your own time in life need not be unduly influenced by lying numbers or hype and spin or anything other than your own notion of where the ship you and only you are steering is headed.
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 2:59 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
OK, I'm here to tell you: lots of things get "looked upon as failings." And this is complete and utter bullshit that you in no way need to internalize. You know the saying, "Haters gonna hate"? There you go.
You, sincere internet stranger who is making a valiant effort to figure this out, are not a statistic. You may plug into some venn diagrams every once in a while, but the value judgements you make for your own time in life need not be unduly influenced by lying numbers or hype and spin or anything other than your own notion of where the ship you and only you are steering is headed.
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 2:59 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think the only reason it wouldn't be okay in YOUR PARTICULAR CASE is because you seem pretty insecure and immature, and that spells trouble for any relationship, regardless of age gap.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 3:01 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 3:01 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
Why do you care what's "normal"? Why do you care what other people think about your prospective relationship, or what they might think about you on the basis of who you date? While it's natural to wonder about the various consequences of a difference in age, I think your would-be sweetheart might be a bit taken aback to learn that you had to ask the Internet whether dating her would be "OK."
posted by limeonaire at 3:01 PM on June 3, 2012
posted by limeonaire at 3:01 PM on June 3, 2012
Then of course there's the unnecessary stereotype that her being over 30 for five minutes means she is now turning at least some of her attention to baby-planning.
They haven't even gone on a date. I don't think kids need to be a factor in the dating process quite yet.
posted by JLovebomb at 3:03 PM on June 3, 2012 [8 favorites]
They haven't even gone on a date. I don't think kids need to be a factor in the dating process quite yet.
posted by JLovebomb at 3:03 PM on June 3, 2012 [8 favorites]
I'm 26 years old and I've dated a number of women in their late 30s in the last few years. It's never been any kind of issue. On the other hand, at the tender age of 26 I think of myself as a grown man and I wouldn't lower myself to taking advice from a bunch of bros in the comment section of a dating website so maybe our experiences are very different.
Does it say about me that I wasn't able to attract a younger woman so there is something wrong with me?
No. For what it's worth - not much, by the way - some women my own age have told me that the fact that I was dating a 40 year old raised their opinion if me. But you should not be using the identity of the person you date as a status symbol because it's repulsive.
posted by atrazine at 3:03 PM on June 3, 2012 [5 favorites]
Does it say about me that I wasn't able to attract a younger woman so there is something wrong with me?
No. For what it's worth - not much, by the way - some women my own age have told me that the fact that I was dating a 40 year old raised their opinion if me. But you should not be using the identity of the person you date as a status symbol because it's repulsive.
posted by atrazine at 3:03 PM on June 3, 2012 [5 favorites]
Someone 5 years older than you is not old enough to be your mother, so "MILF" seems quite a bit off.
My sister-in-law and my ex-sister-in-law are both five or six years older than my brother, and I don't think either relationship has had, or had, any issues relating to their age difference.
I don't know what to say about your apparent internalized belief that men "should be" older than their female partners or they'll lose status, except a) it's certainly a widespread cultural meme in lots of places, and b) in my experience, cultural memes like that are usually obstacles to creating relationships that work for you, not for random TV gossip shows or shock jocks or whoever.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:05 PM on June 3, 2012 [4 favorites]
My sister-in-law and my ex-sister-in-law are both five or six years older than my brother, and I don't think either relationship has had, or had, any issues relating to their age difference.
I don't know what to say about your apparent internalized belief that men "should be" older than their female partners or they'll lose status, except a) it's certainly a widespread cultural meme in lots of places, and b) in my experience, cultural memes like that are usually obstacles to creating relationships that work for you, not for random TV gossip shows or shock jocks or whoever.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:05 PM on June 3, 2012 [4 favorites]
Since you are asking, and given the words you chose, she is too old for you.
posted by aroberge at 3:06 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by aroberge at 3:06 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
Older women tend to respect themselves more and have higher standards. In that sense dating an older woman reflects well on you. Older women, because of their confidence and experience, also make better lovers. I would really encourage you to disabuse yourself of the subconscious misogyny you've indicated in your post and follow-ups so that you can be worthy of her interest.
Plutarch, in his biography of Marc Antony, remarks that Cleopatra met Antony "at the very time when women have the most brilliant beauty." She was thirty.
posted by milk white peacock at 3:11 PM on June 3, 2012 [12 favorites]
Plutarch, in his biography of Marc Antony, remarks that Cleopatra met Antony "at the very time when women have the most brilliant beauty." She was thirty.
posted by milk white peacock at 3:11 PM on June 3, 2012 [12 favorites]
The 'rule' which I've heard is 1/2 age + 7. (using oldest person's age).
Notwithstanding, what are YOU comfortable with?
And the line about not able to attract a younger woman.. where does this crap come from? Hollywood or something? You fall in love with whom you fall in love with.
posted by defcom1 at 3:16 PM on June 3, 2012
Notwithstanding, what are YOU comfortable with?
And the line about not able to attract a younger woman.. where does this crap come from? Hollywood or something? You fall in love with whom you fall in love with.
posted by defcom1 at 3:16 PM on June 3, 2012
When I was 34 I was dating a 27 year old. We had a lot of fun in the time we were together. Our work was similar, we liked the same movies, the same books, we had the same political views, our musical tastes overlapped. Eventually he was transferred to another city and that was that, but we had a terrific time. No one, including the two of us, gave any thought to the age difference, because it was never evident.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 3:19 PM on June 3, 2012
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 3:19 PM on June 3, 2012
I am eight years older than my husband, and our respective ages have never been an issue between us. Except when he makes fun of 80s music.
posted by thylacinthine at 3:20 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by thylacinthine at 3:20 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
People have already given your grief for describing yourself as a 26 year old boy and caring about the opinion of an anonymous bunch of dudes on OKCupid, so I'll spare you on that front.
My question is regardless of your concerns, how is anyone even going to know you are dating a 31 year old unless you tell them? Unless said women looks substantially older than 31 or you look substantially younger than 26, your age difference is unlikely to be identifiable by the general public (that's making the rather generous assumption that anyone else is going to care).
FWIW, I am a woman and I have been the oldest by a span of 4 to 8.5 years in 3 out of 4 of the major long-term relationships that I've had since I was 30. I didn't marry any of them (or anyone else for that matter) but they -- well all but one -- were great relationships, the shortest of which lasted almost 2 years and the longest almost 8 years. I don't recall my age, or our age difference, being a factor. I primarily dated men younger than myself because those were the men that I happened to meet. I went to grad school at 31 and most of my classmates were 6-8 years younger than I was. When I got out and got my first internship, same deal. I had more in common with them then men my own age who were already well-established in their careers, etc. Most of the time we found out each others ages after we started dating and it just wasn't an issue for either of us.
posted by kaybdc at 3:23 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
My question is regardless of your concerns, how is anyone even going to know you are dating a 31 year old unless you tell them? Unless said women looks substantially older than 31 or you look substantially younger than 26, your age difference is unlikely to be identifiable by the general public (that's making the rather generous assumption that anyone else is going to care).
FWIW, I am a woman and I have been the oldest by a span of 4 to 8.5 years in 3 out of 4 of the major long-term relationships that I've had since I was 30. I didn't marry any of them (or anyone else for that matter) but they -- well all but one -- were great relationships, the shortest of which lasted almost 2 years and the longest almost 8 years. I don't recall my age, or our age difference, being a factor. I primarily dated men younger than myself because those were the men that I happened to meet. I went to grad school at 31 and most of my classmates were 6-8 years younger than I was. When I got out and got my first internship, same deal. I had more in common with them then men my own age who were already well-established in their careers, etc. Most of the time we found out each others ages after we started dating and it just wasn't an issue for either of us.
posted by kaybdc at 3:23 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm 29 and my girlfriend is 33. It's great! There are lots of advantages to dating a grownup. I wouldn't trade her for a 22-year-old for anything, especially when I remember what I was like at 22.
Also, did you read that OkCupid article, or just the comments? Because the article, if I'm thinking of the same one you are, was about how awesome women in their 30s are, and how dumb it is that guys don't tend to date older women. And they had data to back up 30-something women being awesome!
and there were guys in the comment section saying things like "Yeah if you can't get a younger woman its because you got priced out and you suck"
Never, ever read the comments anywhere except Metafilter.
posted by Ragged Richard at 3:24 PM on June 3, 2012 [16 favorites]
Also, did you read that OkCupid article, or just the comments? Because the article, if I'm thinking of the same one you are, was about how awesome women in their 30s are, and how dumb it is that guys don't tend to date older women. And they had data to back up 30-something women being awesome!
and there were guys in the comment section saying things like "Yeah if you can't get a younger woman its because you got priced out and you suck"
Never, ever read the comments anywhere except Metafilter.
posted by Ragged Richard at 3:24 PM on June 3, 2012 [16 favorites]
Honey, five years is an age gap when you are a child. Five years doesn't rate as an age gap when you are an adult.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:30 PM on June 3, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 3:30 PM on June 3, 2012 [7 favorites]
I skipped to the end. This must worry you for some reason, but it shouldn't. I remember a ton of lady-persons who were 31 at my 26 and I didn't give a rat's patoot about our respective ages. Be glad you've found someone you care about and who feels the same.
posted by nj_subgenius at 3:31 PM on June 3, 2012
posted by nj_subgenius at 3:31 PM on June 3, 2012
I'm a 30 year old woman. I'd have no problem dating a 25 year old.
posted by mollymayhem at 3:44 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by mollymayhem at 3:44 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
As the bard said, love the one you're with.
If she's OK with you, you should be too. When I was in my early 30's, I had a short relationship with a woman in her early 20's. We weren't a good match and one of the things that stuck out to me was the difference in maturity. If you're thoughtful and mature and your are compatible, great, have a good time.
posted by plinth at 3:57 PM on June 3, 2012
If she's OK with you, you should be too. When I was in my early 30's, I had a short relationship with a woman in her early 20's. We weren't a good match and one of the things that stuck out to me was the difference in maturity. If you're thoughtful and mature and your are compatible, great, have a good time.
posted by plinth at 3:57 PM on June 3, 2012
You haven't even asked her out. Cart before the horse. I hope you've worked through your previous issues. I think you need a lot more confidence and grounding, but that's just me.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 4:13 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 4:13 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
I'm 16 years older than my husband, we have been together for 7 years both dating and married. He chased me. I'm not a MILF or a Cougar and spent most of the early years of the relationship worrying about the age difference, it has never bothered him. You like who you like, ask her out and if she says yes I hope you both have fun. If it becomes serious you won't care about the age difference, and if it's only a bit of fun for both of you, you might learn something about yourself and women.
Forget about what people on OKCupid say, what people say online to make themselves look "cooler" rarely has any actually relationship to what they'd do if they had the chance in real life. Also face early thirties deosn't look that much different to late 20's its not like she's got grey hair and a walking stick, no one is going to look twice.
Ask her out.
posted by wwax at 5:16 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
Forget about what people on OKCupid say, what people say online to make themselves look "cooler" rarely has any actually relationship to what they'd do if they had the chance in real life. Also face early thirties deosn't look that much different to late 20's its not like she's got grey hair and a walking stick, no one is going to look twice.
Ask her out.
posted by wwax at 5:16 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
That as a statistic men chase younger women, and dating an older woman is looked upon as failing to be able to compete with other men.
Are you sure that they've failed at competing? I suspect that men who date older women have realized that the only way to win at "my girlfriend is younger than yours" is not to play. Put another way, do you really want the respect of men who think this way about women? Would it really make you feel better about yourself?
Does it say about me that I wasn't able to attract a younger woman so there is something wrong with me?
This is not enough data to say anything about you. In fact, the only thing this tells me is that you are into this particular 31 year old woman.
It could, maybe, suggest that you're more into 31 year olds than other women. If you really need to be older than your lady, just wait until you're 32 and start hitting on the 31 year olds. Ta da, problem solved. Or you could realize you're being ridiculous and ask this one out now.
posted by rhythm and booze at 5:31 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
Are you sure that they've failed at competing? I suspect that men who date older women have realized that the only way to win at "my girlfriend is younger than yours" is not to play. Put another way, do you really want the respect of men who think this way about women? Would it really make you feel better about yourself?
Does it say about me that I wasn't able to attract a younger woman so there is something wrong with me?
This is not enough data to say anything about you. In fact, the only thing this tells me is that you are into this particular 31 year old woman.
It could, maybe, suggest that you're more into 31 year olds than other women. If you really need to be older than your lady, just wait until you're 32 and start hitting on the 31 year olds. Ta da, problem solved. Or you could realize you're being ridiculous and ask this one out now.
posted by rhythm and booze at 5:31 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]
This is only an issue if it's made into an issue. Live your life, man.
posted by mleigh at 5:39 PM on June 3, 2012
posted by mleigh at 5:39 PM on June 3, 2012
I was 27, he was 20. A week later he turned 21 and 2 weeks after that I was 28.
It didn't last, but he's still one of my favorite people in the world. We still root for each other.
And it wasn't because of our ages that it didn't work out.
But even if it was, that doesn't mean it wouldn't have been worth it.
posted by vitabellosi at 6:05 PM on June 3, 2012
It didn't last, but he's still one of my favorite people in the world. We still root for each other.
And it wasn't because of our ages that it didn't work out.
But even if it was, that doesn't mean it wouldn't have been worth it.
posted by vitabellosi at 6:05 PM on June 3, 2012
That age gap itself is fine. No question. But the fact that it concerns you and you have to ask this question says to me, pretty strongly, that you personally shouldn't date this woman.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:30 PM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 6:30 PM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
My oldest brother is 12 years younger than his wife. They have been together for 37 years and are happy by all accounts. So yeah, it works.
Whomever started that cougar and milf shit should die in a fire.
posted by deborah at 6:39 PM on June 3, 2012 [7 favorites]
Whomever started that cougar and milf shit should die in a fire.
posted by deborah at 6:39 PM on June 3, 2012 [7 favorites]
I have been described as an "old soul", so it's not surprising I get along well with older women. As a 23-24 year old, I dated a 30-31 year old. As a 24-25 year old, I dated a 41-42 year old. As a 25-26 year old, I dated a 31-32 year old. In all cases, it was two people being attracted to each other, not two numbers.
Life is too. fucking. short. to care about numbers like that and not do what you like. Just be open and honest, listen to both your heart and your mind, and it is hard for things to go too wrong.
posted by 3FLryan at 7:16 PM on June 3, 2012
Life is too. fucking. short. to care about numbers like that and not do what you like. Just be open and honest, listen to both your heart and your mind, and it is hard for things to go too wrong.
posted by 3FLryan at 7:16 PM on June 3, 2012
Don't worry about it.
My wife is 5 years older than I am. We met and knew within 3 days that we were meant for each other, and we've been married for 30 years.
posted by KRS at 7:26 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
My wife is 5 years older than I am. We met and knew within 3 days that we were meant for each other, and we've been married for 30 years.
posted by KRS at 7:26 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
Last summer I dated a woman who is nearly five years older than me. I never cared a bit about the age difference. She, on the other hand, never seemed to get over the age gap. Thus, we only lasted a couple of months. But, had she been OK with the gap (as I was), the relationship may have lasted a good bit longer.
TLDR - Age difference is only a problem if you think it is.
posted by AMSBoethius at 7:42 PM on June 3, 2012
TLDR - Age difference is only a problem if you think it is.
posted by AMSBoethius at 7:42 PM on June 3, 2012
My male fiance is younger than me, a lady! And honestly, it's normal to freak out about this stuff even if you are super-enlightened. I did. I consider myself super-feminist, but still had this idea in my head that women don't date younger men, because they're less mature, and make worse relationships.
My fiance reminded me that we share the same cultural touch points. "Remember X cartoon? Y craze that lasted all of about five minutes? WE ARE THE SAME AGE."
He's right. We're very happy.
That said, while it's normal to worry about it briefly, if you stick with these concerns, it might mean that there are some lingering insecurities.
posted by corb at 8:01 PM on June 3, 2012
My fiance reminded me that we share the same cultural touch points. "Remember X cartoon? Y craze that lasted all of about five minutes? WE ARE THE SAME AGE."
He's right. We're very happy.
That said, while it's normal to worry about it briefly, if you stick with these concerns, it might mean that there are some lingering insecurities.
posted by corb at 8:01 PM on June 3, 2012
Yup, it's fine. I've done it at 30 and 26. She was a little uncomfortable with the idea for the first month, worrying that maybe she was too old for me, but it turned out to be fine. We just enjoyed the hell out of each other.
posted by jander03 at 9:31 PM on June 3, 2012
posted by jander03 at 9:31 PM on June 3, 2012
Here's a good rule of thumb:
Question any assumption that requires you to judge a woman negatively for being a woman and doing the same damn thing as you.
In other words, either a five year age difference between consenting adults is creepy or it isn't. The older party being a woman doesn't somehow make it wrong, that's a sexist double standard and it's bullshit.
Think of it this way: do you really think there's something wrong with this women that you find attractive and whose personality you like if she happens likes you back? Does that sound like any kind of healthy or happy way to approach a relationship?
Women are people, just like you. Behave accordingly.
posted by Space Kitty at 10:04 PM on June 3, 2012 [17 favorites]
Question any assumption that requires you to judge a woman negatively for being a woman and doing the same damn thing as you.
In other words, either a five year age difference between consenting adults is creepy or it isn't. The older party being a woman doesn't somehow make it wrong, that's a sexist double standard and it's bullshit.
Think of it this way: do you really think there's something wrong with this women that you find attractive and whose personality you like if she happens likes you back? Does that sound like any kind of healthy or happy way to approach a relationship?
Women are people, just like you. Behave accordingly.
posted by Space Kitty at 10:04 PM on June 3, 2012 [17 favorites]
You've got plenty of good advice here so this is just a little story: She was 42 and he was 30 when they met at work. They fell in love and were partners; they had two sons and raised them. They were together for 21 years. Was it ok? Did it work? I guess you'd have to ask Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.
posted by Anitanola at 10:23 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Anitanola at 10:23 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
When I was 26, my boyfriend was 20. We lasted 10 great years together.
When I was 42, my boyfriend was 31. We made a great couple, and were together for years as well.
In both relationships, I very much felt we were equals. Two people, well met, who happened to have an age gap. No big whoop.
The only times it got twitchy was when we'd go out to bars, and the guy would get carded, and the doorman's face would contort in confusion, trying to decide which would be less awkward: carding a woman who was obviously "of age," or NOT carding her. Ha ha ha...
To answer your question: Magic 8 Ball says: GO FOR IT
posted by quivering_fantods at 10:24 PM on June 3, 2012
When I was 42, my boyfriend was 31. We made a great couple, and were together for years as well.
In both relationships, I very much felt we were equals. Two people, well met, who happened to have an age gap. No big whoop.
The only times it got twitchy was when we'd go out to bars, and the guy would get carded, and the doorman's face would contort in confusion, trying to decide which would be less awkward: carding a woman who was obviously "of age," or NOT carding her. Ha ha ha...
To answer your question: Magic 8 Ball says: GO FOR IT
posted by quivering_fantods at 10:24 PM on June 3, 2012
My wife is five years older than me. The cougarMILF protection squad has yet to come knocking at our door.
posted by Uncle Ira at 10:42 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Uncle Ira at 10:42 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm going to be 31 this fall and the only thing that makes me a MILF is that kid that I have.
Seriously, not only is the five year age difference not an issue, but 31 is not old by any stretch of the imagination - except that which has decided that 30 year old women are past their expiration date and everyone past that point needs pity and wrinkle cream. This is the segment of our society that sells magazines telling women to look younger and telling men that younger women are more valuable. Don't listen to it.
posted by sonika at 5:58 AM on June 4, 2012
Seriously, not only is the five year age difference not an issue, but 31 is not old by any stretch of the imagination - except that which has decided that 30 year old women are past their expiration date and everyone past that point needs pity and wrinkle cream. This is the segment of our society that sells magazines telling women to look younger and telling men that younger women are more valuable. Don't listen to it.
posted by sonika at 5:58 AM on June 4, 2012
Why don't you ask her our first and start dating and then see if you two are compatible? 5 years at that age is not a big deal at all, but at the same time, I, as a 27 year old woman, do NOT find ~24 year year old guys attractive, they just all look so young to me! It's not that it's not okay to date them, I'm just not into them. And maybe if I got to know them I would change my mind, but just from looking at them, I can appreciate a good looking 24-25 year old, but I am just not attracted to them. So ask her out first, see how it goes, and don't overthink the age thing. Hopefully she doesn't think the same way I do.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 8:41 AM on June 4, 2012
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 8:41 AM on June 4, 2012
was reading a okcupid research article saying how most men compete for younger women, and there were guys in the comment section saying things like "Yeah if you can't get a younger woman its because you got priced out and you suck"
--------> This is such crap. Also, I would like to point out that this was in the COMMENTS section. Which leads me to believe that some single guy wrote this on a dating site because he can't meet someone. Is that really who you want to believe?
Also: Hi. I'm a 31 year old female. If some 26-year old dude referred to me as a cougar, I'd probably smack him right upside the head.
Ask her out if you are ok with dating an older woman. Older women are awesome because we're well established, are independent, have careers, cool interests and do fun stuff. Some of us even have accepted ourselves and our bodies for what they are and are over the phase of trying to be something we're not. We're awesome because we're confident, fun and know ourselves pretty well and are comfortable in our own skin.
posted by floweredfish at 8:59 AM on June 4, 2012 [3 favorites]
--------> This is such crap. Also, I would like to point out that this was in the COMMENTS section. Which leads me to believe that some single guy wrote this on a dating site because he can't meet someone. Is that really who you want to believe?
Also: Hi. I'm a 31 year old female. If some 26-year old dude referred to me as a cougar, I'd probably smack him right upside the head.
Ask her out if you are ok with dating an older woman. Older women are awesome because we're well established, are independent, have careers, cool interests and do fun stuff. Some of us even have accepted ourselves and our bodies for what they are and are over the phase of trying to be something we're not. We're awesome because we're confident, fun and know ourselves pretty well and are comfortable in our own skin.
posted by floweredfish at 8:59 AM on June 4, 2012 [3 favorites]
I am a 31-year-old woman who has dated a couple 26-year-old men recently. Age doesn't really enter into it at all. One of these relationships hasn't worked out because 26-year-old Guy A is fairly immature and insecure, but that doesn't have much to do with his age--I know 35-year-old men who are equally immature and insecure, and 26-year-old Guy B is perfectly mature and secure.
I'm not sure what you think "31 years old" means or looks like, but I don't look or act much differently than I did when before I crossed that magical line into my 30s that doesn't actually mean anything at all, and when I am out with 26-year-old men no one notices the small age difference. Most people assume we are roughly the same age (because we are!), and none of their friends have ever made any comments about them dating "an older woman."
And even if there were a noticeable age difference, it shouldn't matter. I think commenters above have already covered the sadness and wrongness of the myth that there is something wrong or less-desirable about "older women."
posted by rhiannonstone at 1:53 PM on June 4, 2012
I'm not sure what you think "31 years old" means or looks like, but I don't look or act much differently than I did when before I crossed that magical line into my 30s that doesn't actually mean anything at all, and when I am out with 26-year-old men no one notices the small age difference. Most people assume we are roughly the same age (because we are!), and none of their friends have ever made any comments about them dating "an older woman."
And even if there were a noticeable age difference, it shouldn't matter. I think commenters above have already covered the sadness and wrongness of the myth that there is something wrong or less-desirable about "older women."
posted by rhiannonstone at 1:53 PM on June 4, 2012
You seem to think that she likes you, but do you like her? I am not sure that I see that anywhere in your question.
posted by Monday at 5:05 PM on June 4, 2012
posted by Monday at 5:05 PM on June 4, 2012
"Yeah if you can't get a younger woman its because you got priced out and you suck"
Please, when you hear/read men talking like this, think in your head "Right, this guy is a moron and clearly I should pay no attention to him". Do not let people like this drag you down to their level.
posted by molecicco at 3:09 AM on June 5, 2012
Please, when you hear/read men talking like this, think in your head "Right, this guy is a moron and clearly I should pay no attention to him". Do not let people like this drag you down to their level.
posted by molecicco at 3:09 AM on June 5, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
Does it say about me that I wasn't able to attract a younger woman so there is something wrong with me?
What says more about you is the fact that you would ask this question. You seem insecure.
posted by mr_roboto at 2:19 PM on June 3, 2012 [92 favorites]