Hey Mrs. Robinson!

April 3, 2008 12:12 PM

I'm considering marrying a woman who just turned 37 and I'm 28, which actually puts us at 8 years and some months apart in age. I would like to know if anyone has experience in a marriage that's older woman/younger man type.

I've always kind of been attracted to women a bit older than me for some reason, but when considering the biological implications of fertility and youthfulness, I'm somewhat stuck.

Both of us are of compatible maturity level, as well as share many of the same values, beliefs, hobbies, and interests, and both are autonomously economically viable (we make our own money and don't need the other to support us). The sex life is excellent. But any thoughts, caveats on marrying a woman who's going into her forties? I know Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are doing well, and this type of arrangement isn't unheard-of nowadays.

Neither of us want to have kids at the moment, and based on what she says, she could probably live a life without ever having children. I may want them in the future, but not now, and I worry a bit about fertility issues associated with women over 40 (not that it's a bad thing or impossible, my mother was 40 when she had me). Thanks in advance for your input.

posted by gmodelo to society & culture (26 comments total)

I would say that before you get married absolutely make sure you're on the same page with her about having children, and about living childless or adopting if it should turn out that she (or you, for that matter) can't have children later on. It sounds like you have a solid relationship otherwise, which is great, but the kid issue alone is enough to break you up later.
posted by orange swan at 12:18 PM on April 3 [1 favorite]

I think you should separate out the issue of "willing to raise children" from "physically able to bear children." They're not necessarily the same thing, and I'd consider #1 to be much more of a deal-breaker if you think you'll eventually want kids than #2. (After all, there's no guarantee that a potential spouse will be able to bear children, even if you marry an 18-year-old.)
posted by iminurmefi at 12:19 PM on April 3 [4 favorites]

I think if you really wanted to marry this woman you would not be asking us for our opinions.
posted by astruc at 12:22 PM on April 3 [5 favorites]

I agree with what astruc said.
posted by thomas144 at 12:31 PM on April 3

Eight years does not strike me as a particularly wide gap in ages.
posted by 1 at 12:32 PM on April 3

Older-younger may or may not be an issue, but it sounds as kids are a crucial topic you two should be very clear on before committing.

If she "probably" doesn't want kids, that may reflect a belief that she probably won't be able to have them, or that she won't be able to have them easily. Or she may be pretty damn sure that she doesn't want them, but is soft-pedaling her stance when she speaks to you. Or she may be speaking honestly now, but she could go baby-mad next year.

If you think you "may" want kids in the future, that's a huge issue. If you reach 35 and she reaches 44, and you both really want kids, what happens? Are you both willing to go through fertility treatments? Are you both willing to adopt?

What if you're the one with fertility issues? Would you accept a sperm donor if she's fertile?

Whatever you do, don't ask us whether you should marry her. Obviously marriages with age differences work for others and can work for you. But you really do need to make sure you have thought out all the ramifications of getting married if you decide one day down the road that you really want kids of your own, especially if she reaches the point where she won't or can't bear or adopt them. Are you willing to stay childless for a woman you love? Are you willing to divorce a woman you once loved in order to have children with someone younger? One way or another, somebody could get badly hurt.

(BTW, Anne Bancroft was only 5 years older than Dustin Hoffman when they starred in The Graduate, even though their characters were supposed to be about 20-25 years apart. At one point, Doris Day was considered for Bancroft's role.)
posted by rosebuddy at 12:34 PM on April 3

My mother was nine years older than my father and she was almost 37 when they got married. Their marriage lasted until she died: over fifty years.

Of course, that was a long, long time ago.
posted by timeistight at 12:35 PM on April 3

My wife and I got married when I was 27 and she was 37. 9 ½ years apart (don’t say 10!) and 10 1/2 years into our marriage things are going super. We had a kid when she was 42. He came out with 10 fingers and 10 toes, perfect all over, but we still decided to quit while we were ahead. We came pretty close to not having kids, since we were pretty content in the two-income, do whatever we want whenever we want life, but we eventually decided we wanted one. Now we can’t fathom life without The Critter though we would have lived a perfectly fulfilling life had we decided not to have him. As others have said, you need to be on the same page before you make the plunge into marriage.

There have been very few age-related issues. Really the only time it’s an issue is when talking about pop culture. She doesn’t “get” video games and I don’t “get” John Denver. Well, I “get” him, I suppose, it just sickens me that she could ever have swooned over him.

Another thing that was weird at first was that she had some friends that were older than her so I’d often find myself hanging out with people who could be my parents. This can be shocking when your in your twenties, and it can be annoying when everyone in the room teases you about being “a kid”, but it gets less and less weird as you get older yourself. And it’s just sorta weird, it’s not a deal breaker, and there are a lot of advantages to discussing life with smart older (not old! I didn’t say old!) people. Now that we’re in The New Parent Club our friends tend to be closer to my age than her’s.

And as your title suggests, be prepared for the Mrs. Robinson jokes at the wedding.
posted by bondcliff at 12:40 PM on April 3 [1 favorite]

My boyfriend and I are in the same age bracket as you & your fiancee, which is what prompted me to reply. Our situation: no rush to marry, living 'day-to-day' approaching 3 years together and still quite enamored of each other.
However, he understands I would rather not have children -- much less can we afford any --and my age is approaching that time when it'll be pretty much impossible.
We're both young at heart and practically broke; yet, you must have a good reason for concern that in the *future* you might want kids. I think it would be fair to reach a conclusive decision on your part -- even if hers sounds 'ambiguous' ("Based on what she says" but did she ever outright say, yet, that she flat-out doesn't want kids?)... because the reality is that bearing her own children in a matter of a few more years will be compromised by higher risks to child and mom. If I were her I'd want to know, prior to making a commitment such as marriage, that you have thought it through regarding whether, should her time for childbearing reach an early demise, you can say to yourself now: "I can live without children." or at least "I'd be up for adopting." And the hardest of all: "The child that's conceived by us and carried to term, if revealed to have Down's Syndrome or [insert affliction_malformation], I [check one: will? or won't?] have the courage to raise through the end of his/her/our life."
My great aunt born in 1912 had acute Downs Syndrome and stayed, after parents had died, her remaining adult life in an institution on into her 60s; I never met her but I am quite sure it proved an expense for her family.
[/ex$pense-conscious]
posted by skyper at 12:40 PM on April 3 [1 favorite]

My wife is 10 years older than I. We married 15 years ago and I've never been happier.
posted by cwarmy at 12:41 PM on April 3

I think that although many women do have children over the age of forty, it is not necessarily a "safe" thing. Even having a child in your thirties comes with a lot of risks that aren't there in your twenties.

A lot of celebrities having children as they age, are doing so with the use of egg donors.

You also have to think about the future of the child. Having to deal with issues, such as nursing homes, parental health problems, etc. at a time when they should be able to live their own lives (college, grad school, getting married, etc.) and the possibility of her never getting to see her grandchildren if there are any, are all things to think about.

Adoption is always an option, as is living childless.

If you truly love this woman, and the thought of living your life apart from her doesn't sound like something you would like to do, then have the conversation. Decide what both parties expect, as far as children (noting that people DO change their minds sometimes about these things) and go from there.
posted by nikksioux at 12:50 PM on April 3

People who are considering getting married should always consider a set of major issues that could have implications for the marriage, which would have to include kids along with money, careers, and religions (if applicable). People should not decide to get married unless they first check to see that they're on the same page with these life-changing issues. Unless you're planning on doing the traditional/stereotypical man-springs-the-question-on-woman-and-she's-expected-to-have-an-answer-immediately (which is potentially disastrous since it pressures people to get married without first addressing these big questions), I would say just bring it up with her when the time is right so that you get a better sense of where she's at. Since these conversations are necessary for any couple considering marriage, it's extra necessary for you given her age.

You can always have kids non-biologically, so this doesn't seem to be so much a biological issue as it is an issue of communicating what the two of you want.

Astruc's comment is a bit too harsh, but there's some truth to it: don't make this decision based on whether the Mefites who choose to answer this have enjoyed their older/younger marriages. As with the question the other day about whether people are glad they decided to have kids, the people who ended up miserable might not be the people who are enthusiastic about answering your question. (This is just one narrow point; it's not to take away from the good advice you've received in this thread.)
posted by jejune at 12:57 PM on April 3 [5 favorites]

[a few comments removed. question is not "how old was Mrs Robinson" OP is using language technique we call "metaphor"]
posted by jessamyn at 12:58 PM on April 3 [5 favorites]

I don't think the age difference is all that unmanageable. It's really more about whether you're ready.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 1:19 PM on April 3

I am 10 years the junior of Mrs. Everichon, and we have been married for 9 years. We haven't experienced anything untoward* that is attributable directly to the age difference. I agree with the above commenters, that you should be very clear on the kid thing.

*Apart from my once being referred to by a gas attendant as her son, which she did not take well. True!
posted by everichon at 1:44 PM on April 3

Not married, but my boyfriend is five and a half years younger than I am. We've got almost three years together, and have talked about the implications of age on children and the like. So definitely sort all of this out before committing. Is her "probably" something she says just to make it easier on you?

Some of our friends and family wonder just why he's with an older woman (and several don't really approve), but it's only two in this relationship, no more. It doesn't seem like you have too much concern with outside influences, so it's up to you two to simply be brutally honest with each other.
posted by cmgonzalez at 2:11 PM on April 3

I worked with, and eventually spent a month living with a couple, who had this age difference (or more?). At this point, she's 62 and he's younger. She had one?two? children from a previous marriage, and they then had one?two? child(ren) together (total of three). It seems to work out great for them. But she's very young at heart -- starting a new career, very involved in community service, bikes 10 miles to and from her woodworking class, takes baths with the door half open ("oh, salvia, how was your day??") (not in a crazy way, just very carefree). More than anyone I've lived with, they both have amazingly positive and light-hearted attitudes towards lots of drama and worry and everything else, so where others might have been derailed, they just steam forward happily.
posted by salvia at 2:20 PM on April 3

Considering how many marriages that fail today, I'd say your age difference is the least of your worries. I'm sure there will be some people that will talk about the age difference. But those people will be talking about someone else if it isn't you. So you'll be saving some other poor soul from being gossiped about.

Have a serious, in depth conversation of what you both want for the future in the way of children as this will probably be your biggest obstacle. You may both be ok with being kidless now but what about later? Are you willing to risk the health concerns of an older woman becoming pregnant? If she conceives a child with down's syndrome how would you deal with it? Would you keep or abort? If you both decide you want children but can't conceive how do you feel about adoption? How would you pay for adoption? Try to address any issue you think may come up as far as having children and see if y'all are on the same page.

After you've talked things over and made sure you're both on the same page then go for it. You'll be doing a lot more marriage/life planning than most couples do that are getting married so you'll already be ahead of the game. Marriage is serious but it's not brain surgery. Just discuss things over that you can foresee and remember y'all are on the same team when you run into something you haven't planned on. It's life--roll with it. :) Good luck whichever way you choose to go.
posted by GlowWyrm at 2:26 PM on April 3

Childbearing is definitely an issue to be discussed up front. A woman's ability to conceive is drastically reduced after 40 and gets worse by the day. Yes, she could get pregnant after 40, but probably not with any help. After 44 you will most likely have to use donor eggs, which may or may not be a problem for you. But it is something that you should talk about. You may want to consider whether you have children sooner rather than later.

A lot of us women in our 30s/40s have been led to believe that we can put off having babies until we're settled into our 40s. It's not true and you need to get this resolved before you get married so you know what both of you are facing.

I am 19 years older than my fiance. I look a lot younger than I am, which avoids a lot of the Mrs Robinson comments. My fiance comes from a matriarchal culture and my age has never been a problem with his maternal family. It has been an issue with his paternal family who frankly are bullying manipulative idiots. We just don't deal with them. My family and friends are just happy that I'm finally settling down. Some of my friends call me "Demi," but it's a friendly teasing and I don't mind a bit.
posted by pinkkitty at 2:26 PM on April 3

Wow, there's some really, really good answers here...thanks guys!
posted by gmodelo at 2:36 PM on April 3

Mr. Adams is eight years younger than me, and we will be celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary later this month. Interestingly enough, our "generational" differences (I consider myself a Baby Boomer, he's a Generation X-er) ended up complementing one another in what has become our chosen profession, writing trivia. We are able to discuss and poke fun at one another's taste in music and fashion and such, while simultaneously using our collective knowledge to our advantage. However, I will say that we both entered into the relationship knowing that we would not have children; me because I couldn't (Lupus and other health issues), and him because he didn't want them. So that took a LOT of stress off our our age difference.
posted by Oriole Adams at 6:08 PM on April 3

I'm 28, will be 29 in the fall, he just turned 36. So far neither of us has had second thoughts and we've been together since 2002. Considering the reversal of ages, you may end up having to adopt (health issues w/ pregnancy after 35 or so are an issue for a lot of women). If you are OK with that, and you guys are going swimmingly otherwise, be happy. If the kid thing is a deal breaker, well, there you.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:46 PM on April 3

You're getting some great advice in this thread. As it happens, my SO is eight years younger than me. Fortunately, we're in agreement about kids: Mine is grown, and he doesn't want any - that certainly makes it easier. I also look younger than him so most people don't realize that I'm older. Our age difference really has been transparent (except for the occasional cringe-y moment when I realize I remember the year he was born, and I fully recognize that's my issue) - if you can come to an agreement about whether/how to have children, the hard part is over. Don't let your ages get in the way. Best wishes!
posted by Space Kitty at 9:08 PM on April 3

...I only just did the math! They got married last year and have been together for about 10. She is 15 years older. He has NEVER wanted kids. She mentioned the subject a few years ago :) I gave it the nod but I don't think it passed the final approval. (He did say he NEVER wanted kids). So there you go.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 1:21 PM on April 4

I'm on the fence about having kids. Those of you who have asked me to elaborate on her position: she has a hard enough time with the kitty we have meowing at us at 5:30 in the morning amongst other things she does like kick litter onto the carpet, that I don't think she's ready for kids. We're really both kinda not into the responsibility. But I can see it being a major issue for me if I want them.

I think I'm just going to keep it boyfriend/gf until I know.

Thanks everyone.
posted by gmodelo at 3:30 PM on April 4

A guy I work with married a woman 11 or 12 years older than him. He became a "grandpa" via her kids from her first marriage when he was 35. He's one of the happiest people I know.
posted by foxydot at 8:02 AM on April 7