Not ready to marry

January 28, 2008 11:15 AM

This question isn't a big deal--but I thought I'd put it out there in the spirit of "query of the hivemind." My girlfriend and I just broke it off, and it was with mutual interest that we did so. I moved out after living together for about 5 months, got my own place, and it was hard for her, but less hard for me.

I think her level of committment and seeing a future in this together was stronger than mine, so she was very let down to have this happen. I have to say as well that she gave me the "ultimatum", a label she resents [I need you to either be in this with me all the way, or I need to move on by myself (she's facing some health problems), otherwise I'll resent you for not marrying me and getting me on your health benefits (she is currently without insurance)].

It should be noted that our relationship was excellent while it lasted (9 months). I realize too that she is facing a lot in her life right now, with her mother dying, her symptoms picking up again, no health insurance (despite the option of SSI, an option she's too proud at present to be comfortable doing), foreclosing her house, etc. I also can understand why she is asking this of me, and am being as compassionate as possible without overstepping any boundaries for myself (i.e. being pushed into making a committment I am not currently ready for.) I don't particularly care for Dr. Laura, but she does list "playing the savior" of damsels in distress as one of the 10 things men do to mess up their lives. We are sort of on a "hiatus" from the relationship as it's perceived by her, and a little by me, although I definately could see myself just getting through some of my goals right now and not going back to the marriage idea until I am ready.

I do love and care deeply for her; I just am not ready to make a commitment to anyone at this stage of my life, and I think she is having some misgivings about that. I am willing to see where this could go and hold out some more for her, but right now she is not communicating with me at all (texts, calls). What do you think?

posted by gmodelo to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Be honest with her, and let her know that you aren't as committed to this as she apparently is. It'll do you both a favour, long term.
posted by Solomon at 11:23 AM on January 28, 2008

What she did was reeks of emotional blackmale. Do you want to deal with more of this bullying in the future?
posted by bigmusic at 11:23 AM on January 28, 2008

It sounds like you need to decide what you want...do you want to be broken up because her needs are weighing down your goals right now, or do you want to be together and give up your goals to help her? If it's the first, actually act like you're broken up...don't call and text pursuing a continuance of the relationship. If it's the second, you screwed up by not answering the "ultimatum" and you are going to have to reconcile that before you can get together again.

But if she has in her mind that the only endgame of your getting back together would be marriage, you're going to feel trapped and she's going to feel unfulfilled. It's not fair to either of you.
posted by sjuhawk31 at 11:24 AM on January 28, 2008

eh, blackmail even.
posted by bigmusic at 11:26 AM on January 28, 2008

Be honest with yourself and her. Loving and caring deeply does not go together with abandoning somebody to face huge problems on their own. It was a convenient relationship for you until the going got tough.

She is better off knowing that she cannot rely on anybody but herself.
posted by francesca too at 11:32 AM on January 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm confused about why you are confused.

She presented you with this choice: "I need you to either be in this with me all the way, or I need to move on by myself." You chose to move out rather than make a bigger committment.

Good for you in knowing what you wanted and not letting a difficult situation force you into something you know isn't right for you.

So, move on. Stop calling and texting her. You broke it off, really (the person less willing to make a committment = breaking it off) so do her the favor of getting out of her life completely so that she can concentrate on getting herself well, solvent and emotionally healthy.
posted by minervous at 11:34 AM on January 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

I'm not seeing the question here. What do we think about what, exactly? She wants to get married about you don't. The most caring thing you can do is leave her alone so that she can move on with her life. If she's not communicating with you then she does not want to talk to you. It's probably healthiest if you have a complete break from each other for a few months and then, perhaps, re-engage and see where you both are. But don't strong her along and give her false hope.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 11:35 AM on January 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Uh, string not strong, her along.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 11:36 AM on January 28, 2008

Best answer: It's definitely a tough situation and I think you did right by you. She's an adult and she needs to manage these things on her own. And she's too proud to get insurance? What?

As a boyfriend of 9 months, all you had to provide was listening, cuddling, and other emotional support. She was placing a lot of pressure on you.

It seems like she wanted to get married out of need (insurance) rather than want. I think either way she would have resented you. If you continued to date, she would have resented not marrying you and getting on benefits. If you got married, she would have resented you for not wanting to marry her (that she had to present you with an ultimatum).
posted by spec80 at 11:40 AM on January 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: spec80, that is an excellent perception point, thank you. I think you're insight is accurate in that, she would resent me for getting into something I wasn't comfortable with later on down the line--by not exercising our assertive rights I feel we set ourselves up for being resentful of being in the situation we could have prevented had we expressed our needs, as well as the person might end up resenting us for not asserting our positions rightfully.

And minervous, thank you as well.
posted by gmodelo at 11:47 AM on January 28, 2008

She had a lot happen to her in a short time period. She's facing a tough short term future that's going to be rather emotional and tough to deal with. She was hoping that you would be a partner that she could work with and would help her go through the tough times. You moving in after 4 months gave her hints that you were ready to give that kind of comittment. You providing the emotional support that you did (by just being in a relationship with her) while she went through grieving her mother's death gave her a hint that you were able to provide something for her. The fact that she was going to start suffering health issues and her wanting to marry you and the fact that you didn't offer her any viable alternative beyond that shows that you really have no idea what the term comittment means and that your actions are pretty self-serving, immature and that you are a waste of anyone's time.

Stop calling her. Stop texting her. Stop wasting her time thinking that you actually are willing to invest in a relationship. The fact that you posted this "question" looking for justification for your action shows that you really don't have the guts to be the person you think you really are. You led her on and now you need to go away.
posted by Stynxno at 11:50 AM on January 28, 2008 [9 favorites]

Is she ill to the point where her life is in danger, especially if she can't afford to see a doctor? I don't know what the 'right' way to handle this situation is, but if it were me I would do everything in my power to make sure my significant other, someone I love dearly, wasn't sick and/or dying!

It doesn't sound like she wants to push you into marriage for the sake of it, but for the sake of getting around the fact that health care in the U.S. is a crock of shit and she can't afford to get the medical attention she needs. People who aren't in love do get married for exactly this reason.

I understand you're not ready for the big husband-wife thing, and she may not be either. Do you think getting married would have come up so soon if she wasn't desperate for proper health care? Do you feel like she's trying to use you? Another question to ask yourself - if her health issues cleared up and/or marriage was no longer an issue, would you be excited to continue with the relationship at a pace you're more comfortable with? Do you love her?

You are in a position to help her, and it seems like you may be the only one she has. I see how this is endlessly tricky, and I'm sorry that you are both going through it.
posted by infinityjinx at 12:01 PM on January 28, 2008

To be honest I've been in her situation.

It sounds ike your relationship was in the awkward still forming place when disaster struck for her. I can see where she's coming from, things are at their worst for her. You can't be there for her in the way she needs right now, whether it's helping her out with the house, her mother dying, helping with her health issues. Even if you "weren't ready for marriage" there's a lot that could have been done here.

To me that says you want the good parts of the relationship without the bad parts. That does indeed mean you're not ready for marriage, and that's totally OK. But I agree with every one posting, let her go.

If I were her, I'd see you as someone I really couldn't count on or trust anyway, in a time when I needed it the most. But seeking companionship or holding out on your end in this situation isn't really the ethical thing to do here.
posted by red_lotus at 12:24 PM on January 28, 2008

@ ellF he's not that into her anymore and asking for advice about that.

I don't think you really read his question.

OP:I am willing to see where this could go and hold out some more for her...

I think he's into her only if/when she's problem free.
posted by red_lotus at 1:21 PM on January 28, 2008

Yikes Stynxno, a bit harsh pehaps?

Granted, we don't know the entire story, and what we do know is from the perspective of the OP, but still...

1) They have only been together for 9 months not 9 years
2) Moving in together doesn't have mean a promise to marry (although I will admit that many people will assume this)
3) Unless I misread something (here we would need the opinion of the ex), it seems that the ex only wanted to get married for the health care benefits. Then again, maybe she has no choice. Perhaps I would do the same thing too, if my situation were dire.

I think, as many posters said, that it is a very difficult position to be in - at what point to you sacrifice your own ideals in order to help someone else? It is not a black and white answer. It really depends on how strong/important your ideals are and what type of help you can actually give.

I personally cannot make a judgement call based on the info that the OP gave. In fact, I can't make a judgement call on the ex as well, but I do agree with Stynxno on one point: Don't call her again. You have made your decision. Now let her get on with her life.
posted by bitteroldman at 1:21 PM on January 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't think Stynxno is being harsh at all. I just re-read gmodelo's previous question and his replies in that thread:

She recently underwent a serious surgery, which left her somewhat incapacitated and I think less able to be that "someone" in my life who I am challenged by to be my best.

But she's getting better, and is coming back to being "the girlfriend I fell in love with." This, however, is discouraging, as her prognosis may or may not be so good. What if I have children with this woman, and she has complications and dies from this?

I'm going to have to agree that the best thing he can do is leave her alone.
posted by JaredSeth at 1:31 PM on January 28, 2008

Mod note: a few comments removed - directly calling a non-anonymous OP a dick can be done over email or in metatalk, please don't derail the thread with namecalling.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:33 PM on January 28, 2008

It sounds to me like you did some of the things you did (moving in, staying with her through some of her hard times) out of guilt and not wanting to be a jerk, rather than out of a sense of real love and commitment. Your girlfriend probably misread this as you wanting to commit to a marriage-type relationship. It's good that you broke it off. It's good that your girlfriend is not in contact with you. Keep it that way. It's better for both of you.

This doesn't make you a bad person, but with your next relationship, if you're not feeling the commitment, don't do things that make it seem like you are (i.e. moving in after a short period of time, declarations of love, etc.). It's confusing and unfair for the person who is on the receiving end of these mixed messages.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:34 PM on January 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: hurdy gurdy girl...respect (Ali G style). I suspected that she would have perceived an evolution in the commitment level more than I would have because she immediately, through no request or expectation on my part, assumed the classic domestic duties of a woman and felt (understandably) that this was not fair to her if I'm not going to be her husband and she's assuming duties already as a wife-- though I do have to say that that's pretty expectant behavior.
posted by gmodelo at 2:40 PM on January 28, 2008

Sounds like someone needs to reframe the situation....Just because you love her and moved in with her doesn't mean you'd necessarily be willing to support her in time of need. It's not like you said the magic words: "For better or worse." Be as nice as you can, but tell her not to bother you with her neediness until she gets her life in order.
posted by RussHy at 3:18 PM on January 28, 2008

okay, so she "immediately, through no request or expectation on [your] part, assumed the classic domestic duties of a woman" - and what did you do in response? Did you communicate any discomfort on your part, to her? Or did you allow her to support and serve you with these "classic domestic duties" without expressing any apprehension you might have felt at the level of commitment and the accompanying expectations it implied?

You seem to place a lot of emphasis on your own rights, asserting and expressing your needs, etc - but isn't a large part of the issue here to do with duty, responsibility, the question of how much you've already (whether implicitly or explicitly) promised her and committed to her, and whether you are following through on those promises and commitments (if they exist)?
(A large part of taking responsibility involves the awareness that: you have committed to giving up certain personal rights in exchange for certain other personal benefits/liberties.)

Not being ready for marriage, and acknowledging that aspect of yourself, is okay. Not being ready for commitment, and acknowledging that as well, is okay. Not being sure of what you want is okay.
But,
not being ready for marriage after you have led someone to believe that you are,
not being ready for commitment after you have, whether implicitly or explicitly, expressed otherwise,
not being sure of what you want, but behaving as if you know what you want, to the detriment of someone else,

- not okay.

It sounds like your gf has done a lot for you, and given a lot of herself to you. At the minimum: You had a choice as to whether you wanted to accept that. You had a choice as to whether you wanted to encourage that to continue. You had the responsibility to communicate your doubts, your values, etc, to her clearly throughout the relationship. You acknowledge she was behaving like a 'wife' towards you, and you call that 'pretty expectant behavior' - but at the same time (not even examining what on your part may have motivated this behavior), how did you react towards her behavior?

If she were behaving in ways that she believed implied the commitment of a spouse, towards you - but you didn't think that her behavior was like that of a spouse, then perhaps you might have more grounds to say she was fishing for commitment you never promised or implied. But this doesn't seem to be the case.
Yes, true, you didn't say "for better or for worse", but your acceptance of her "for better or for worse" behavior, while simultaneously seeing it as "for better or worse" behavior, does render your eventual decision more questionable.

Your eventual transparency when given her ultimatum was a good move in itself - i.e. it was good of you to be transparent. But I'm not sure your actual -decision- was fair to her. Yes, like minervous has pointed out, you knew what you wanted and expressed that clearly then. But it seems rather late, and also irresponsible in the face of the nature of your interaction with her prior to that ultimatum. I personally think it's rather sad that things between both of you had to escalate and worsen to the point where she was compelled to give you an ultimatum. It seems that ultimatums in relationships tend to be given when there has been a history of equivocation, and when one party has been ambiguous or slippery in his/her promise/commitment to fulfill a responsibility. Obviously, I don't know enough about your relationship to make definite statements wrt that, but maybe you could try reflecting on what has happened from that angle.

It looks like you've led your girlfriend on, and your stringing her along seems doubly cruel in the context of all her current problems.

Please don't do that again!

(Nthing what lots of people here have said about how it's better for both of you to be apart.)
posted by aielen at 4:23 PM on January 28, 2008

Response by poster: Yeah, she could have felt led on by my acceptance (and appreciation/enjoyment) of doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, supporting, complimenting, all those things. I hate to feel like I did lead her on by not telling her to stop those things, just let me do my own shit, and stop trying to be my wife. Buuuuut, that wasn't the case. She said she was doing these things because she loved me, however, attached to that was a small expectation that I would eventually see that this could work as a marriage. I've only known her for 9 months guys, and she says she'd kill for me, love me no matter what, that she thinks our "souls are married", and that if the situations were reversed (i.e. that I was becoming sick with no health insurance), she'd marry me to get me some--which I think is a beautiful thing, I'm just not that clear right now if this is the right time to rush into this.
posted by gmodelo at 9:57 AM on January 29, 2008

She did push you and she shouldn't have. I've learned that when a mans says hes not ready he really means it. I think give her some time with absolutely no contact from you and maybe she will realize this. You both need to experience the void of each other.
After some time has passed and only if you feel ready to commit to her then send her a lite message to say hi or ask her how she is and if there is something still there then it will be obvious. Even if she does not reply she will appreciate it and know that you really do care and love her and if she feels the same she probably wont be able to resist.
I think that "real love" can last a life time if thats what it is.
posted by CharlotteSarah at 4:50 PM on August 27, 2008