Gigalo wanted

April 28, 2012 10:54 AM

How best to get safe but meaningless hetero sex as a unattractive older woman?

So I never fooled around before marriage, was married for a long time, divorced, two kids grown and gone now, my life's my own and its pretty good, I don't want a new man around, but I'm thinking that one thing I regret not doing in my life was having sex with more than one person.

Thing is, I'm over 50 and I'm not what you'd call a cougar I look like what I am which is a fat old Mom. If I was a guy, it would be simple, I would go and get a hooker or two in Vegas so its legal. But I don't know of any gigalos these days, not that service women. I have checked the internets but all my searches just show porn and spam.

I don't want to do anything illegal, and I don't want to do a guy as ugly and as old as me. I just want to find a guy who will have sex with me and not have to deal with all the bullshit about trying to look pretty for him, and if I have to pay him for that it's fine. I am Vancouver but willing to travel.

please any help?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Believe me, from what I've seen being old and unattractive is no hindrance these days to an active sex life. I figure you don't want to "date" but those internet dating websites should be prime hunting grounds for you. And probably fairly safe if you take a few practical steps in the beginning. I think you should try it.
posted by raisingsand at 11:06 AM on April 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think the term you should be googling is "male escort". I got quite a few results using the search terms "male escort vancouver BC".

Another possibility is a personal ad on a fetish site, or maybe craigslist personals. There are guys out there who are into BBW and older women, so you may be just what they are looking for.
posted by virginia_clemm at 11:06 AM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

Jamaica
posted by Winnemac at 11:12 AM on April 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Male escort" is definitely your search term. Here's a Vancouver escort site. "Gigolo" isn't going to be a useful search term, because a) most English speakers aren't sure of how to spell it, and b) it's swamped by porn (as you found).

Also recommend the book A Round-Heeled Woman, by Jane Juska, which is a very candid memoir about a woman's sexual adventures in her late 60s.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:15 AM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

Register on Ashley Madison
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:16 AM on April 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

Mombasa
posted by infini at 11:43 AM on April 28, 2012

This could have been written by me: in fact it sounds as if I sleepwalked to the computer one night and posted it. I'll be honest: the voice making those judgements-- "a fat old mom", "ugly and old"-- hurts to read. I know exactly how that feels: I know what it's like to age as a woman in this society and to feel that the gates of sex have slammed shut and that you're locked out for life. But I try very hard not to listen to that voice, or to grant it legitimacy, and I would urge you to do the same (it's not easy, I know).

For the sex, there's always Craigslist. I can assure you that you will find a man there who would be happy to have sex with you; you may have to filter for your age and looks preference. Obviously, you should be very careful, up to and including having a friend in your residence with you, if you can, just in case things go badly. You'd be safer calling the male escorts listed in the paper (the Straight, perhaps); most of their clientele will be other men, but you could keep trying until you find one you like who sees women, as well. A professional worth his fee will treat you well; and I think you would be far from the only older woman who has gone down this road.

But I would also recommend that you take other steps to help with self-esteem and with body image. A "fat old mom" is about as damning a sexual dismissal as this society offers, but trust me: there are many men out there who have no issues with this whatsoever. There are even men out there who will love you for other qualities than (as well as for) your body. I know this goes strictly out of the bounds of your question, but self-esteem therapy could really help, along with (and bear with me) exercise. Not to try and remake your body into your younger self-- that's impossible-- but to be in your body, to feel its strength, to appreciate it, to see how good you feel when you're fit and healthy. With that feeling of strength comes confidence: with confidence can come other sexual encounters outside of the paid for sort. I really wish you the best. I would add that I also live in Vancouver, I am 53, I know many other middle-aged women of similar vintage, and lots of them are having happy sexual relationships. You can too.
posted by jokeefe at 12:37 PM on April 28, 2012 [28 favorites]

Re: above-- I'm sorry if I did stray too far from your question-- I know that you say you don't want a man around in your life and are primarily interested in NSA sex. I was reacting to your phrasing, which was blunt and direct. Male escorts would seem the safest and best way to go, unless you do want to take the Jamaican sex-tourist vacation, which is certainly another option.
posted by jokeefe at 12:43 PM on April 28, 2012

crayz, as an older, somewhat overweight single woman myself, I don't have any problem believing that what she wants is NOT an actual emotional connection that comes from a romantic relationship.

She is an adult. She knows what she wants. Let's take her at her word.
posted by caryatid at 12:51 PM on April 28, 2012 [4 favorites]

I suggest, just as an experiment, you put an ad on the Vancouver Craigslist.

-Include a full length photo of you. Does not have to include your face.
-Write the following: "I'm over 50 and I'm not what you'd call a cougar I look like what I am which is a fat old Mom. I just want to find a guy who will have sex with me and that's it."

I am willing to bet that you would get over 100 replies. Granted most of them will probably not be from young hunks but there will be a range and I bet you will get at least one acceptable one.
posted by cairdeas at 1:05 PM on April 28, 2012 [9 favorites]

Go to a bar and be picky, stick around until closing and see who is worth sleeping with.
posted by provoliminal at 1:22 PM on April 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

Well,

1. Try to get more self-confidence and work on your looks. If you feel overweight, why not try to change this?

2. I am confused by this "do a guy as ugly and as old as me.". First, nothing is more unattractive than a woman that thinks she is ugly. Second, a guy in his 50ies is totally out of your range?

3. If you feel comfortable paying for sex, a trip to the places mentioned (Jamaica etc.) may be an option.

I am male and in my 30ies. I have a friend that is in her 40ies (and very bossy), I consider her fat and she dates only guys 20-25. So online dating may be an option.
posted by yoyo_nyc at 1:38 PM on April 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm mid-50s and I am here to tell you that OKCupid is your friend especially if you don't want a relationship. You will be as "busy" without strings as you'd like to be.
posted by thinkpiece at 2:27 PM on April 28, 2012 [4 favorites]

I second jokeefe about Craigslist. I know someone who could fit your description (though she is fine with herself) and she finds NSA partners theres frequently. Use the code "BBW" and wonders are worked.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:15 PM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

Dan Savage answered this question on his podcast a few months ago. His advice was to check out gay-for-pay sites, where the guys are supposed to be mostly straight anyway. I recall he suggested Rentboy as a good option.
posted by forkisbetter at 10:00 AM on April 30, 2012