I really like the babysitter!
April 28, 2012 10:59 AM Subscribe
We have an awesome babysitter for our one year old. And (but) she's also the kind of person who I would make serious efforts to befriend, if she weren't already our babysitter. Mixing business and friendship is not a good idea, right? What would you do?
Our babysitter is great with the kid, who loves her, and I am very happy with her overall approach.
During the first three times, whem I was present to get the kid used to the babysitter, it became quickly apparent that we really really got along.
You know when you discover you like the same kind of books, which none of your other friends like, and you laugh at the same weird stuff, and it's just rare to connect that way and you're loath to lose that? She also remarked on that. Plus, she is awesome because she is way more crafty than me and has so much energy to go and do exciting stuff!
Normally, if I'd met her anywhere else, I would ask her to go gigs with me or lend her books or just meet up and chat. But I'm just very hesitant to take this anywhere in the friendship direction because business and friendship don't work together well, do they? So I've erred on the side of business and don't really talk a lot with her apart from the usual "how was your week".
!
I don't know, I've never hired anyone before, not even a cleaner.
I'd like to be as friendly as possible without getting into problematic territory. How much would be too much? At the very least, I would like to be a very awesome employer.
What would you do?
Our babysitter is great with the kid, who loves her, and I am very happy with her overall approach.
During the first three times, whem I was present to get the kid used to the babysitter, it became quickly apparent that we really really got along.
You know when you discover you like the same kind of books, which none of your other friends like, and you laugh at the same weird stuff, and it's just rare to connect that way and you're loath to lose that? She also remarked on that. Plus, she is awesome because she is way more crafty than me and has so much energy to go and do exciting stuff!
Normally, if I'd met her anywhere else, I would ask her to go gigs with me or lend her books or just meet up and chat. But I'm just very hesitant to take this anywhere in the friendship direction because business and friendship don't work together well, do they? So I've erred on the side of business and don't really talk a lot with her apart from the usual "how was your week".
!
I don't know, I've never hired anyone before, not even a cleaner.
I'd like to be as friendly as possible without getting into problematic territory. How much would be too much? At the very least, I would like to be a very awesome employer.
What would you do?
I have a friend who hangs out with her kid's babysitter. If it were a nanny for most of the week, I'd be hesitant, but a few hours a week? No big deal.
posted by chiababe at 11:10 AM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by chiababe at 11:10 AM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]
I don't see a problem in this case. I am friends (at least in the "see each other socially, are friends on Facebook, would invite to a party or to do something with" sense, not BFFs or anything) with our part-time babysitter, who is a neighbourhood home daycare provider; and she is friends with many of the other parents whose children she watches.
To my thinking the problematic business/friendship issues would arise if you were in some way a large influence on this person's livelihood - they were reliant on you for a good portion or all of their income; they were much younger than you; they were a nanny living with you (reliant on you for housing) - that sort of thing. If she felt she had to "make friends" with you to get along with you and ensure you keep employing her, that would be a problem.
posted by flex at 11:10 AM on April 28, 2012
To my thinking the problematic business/friendship issues would arise if you were in some way a large influence on this person's livelihood - they were reliant on you for a good portion or all of their income; they were much younger than you; they were a nanny living with you (reliant on you for housing) - that sort of thing. If she felt she had to "make friends" with you to get along with you and ensure you keep employing her, that would be a problem.
posted by flex at 11:10 AM on April 28, 2012
Can't you just talk to her about that? Where it gets messy is where the professional part of the relationship is not clearly defined. So if your terms are clearly defined you could socialise with her, sure. Clearly you have to be careful that you do not start to rely on her do look after your child as a favour all of a sudden, like you perhaps would with your other friends. But really, talk to her. If she is mature enough to have a good conversation about this she is probably the sort of person who you can have a professional relationship with and socialise with.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:16 AM on April 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:16 AM on April 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Can't you just talk to her about that?
I think she is a pretty direct person and also an experienced babysitter. It's more that I'm not particularly expressive about voicing things like that. I usually show friendship by initiating meetups or asking for / offering things (like recipes or something, that we've talked about). I get easily embarassed by having to talk about things like that, heh.
But yeah, I probably could talk to her, just not sure I'd not come off as an awkward, nervous person doing it.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:34 AM on April 28, 2012
I think she is a pretty direct person and also an experienced babysitter. It's more that I'm not particularly expressive about voicing things like that. I usually show friendship by initiating meetups or asking for / offering things (like recipes or something, that we've talked about). I get easily embarassed by having to talk about things like that, heh.
But yeah, I probably could talk to her, just not sure I'd not come off as an awkward, nervous person doing it.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:34 AM on April 28, 2012
Best answer: As a former nanny who was friendly with the parents, there's one particular thing to be very careful of-- make sure that her babysitting time and friend time are completely separate. Until you're established friends, don't hangout with her and your kid simultaneously. That really blurs the line-- who does the diaper change? who chases after the kid when s/he runs off?-- and could make things uncomfortable for her.
posted by charmcityblues at 11:57 AM on April 28, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by charmcityblues at 11:57 AM on April 28, 2012 [3 favorites]
I usually show friendship by initiating meetups or asking for / offering things (like recipes or something, that we've talked about). I get easily embarassed by having to talk about things like that, heh.
Yes, but currently she's your employee not your friend. And if you are proposing to change the terms of the relationship - which is what you are doing if you start to socialise with her - it is appropriate to have a conversation about that. Also bear in mind that unless she stops watching your child you will have to be able to have conversations on that level. If you know you cannot have that kind of conversation (because you can't/don't like to have them or don't like to have them with people you consider to be friends) you're much better off not blurring the lines.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:32 PM on April 28, 2012
Yes, but currently she's your employee not your friend. And if you are proposing to change the terms of the relationship - which is what you are doing if you start to socialise with her - it is appropriate to have a conversation about that. Also bear in mind that unless she stops watching your child you will have to be able to have conversations on that level. If you know you cannot have that kind of conversation (because you can't/don't like to have them or don't like to have them with people you consider to be friends) you're much better off not blurring the lines.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:32 PM on April 28, 2012
Any reason you can't find another babysitter and just be friends with her?
posted by empath at 12:33 PM on April 28, 2012
posted by empath at 12:33 PM on April 28, 2012
Response by poster: charmcityblues, that's one of the things that occurred to me, yes.
I get your point, koahiatamadl. It's a new idea to me, but I'm listening.
empath, it was really hard getting a good babysitter in the first place! So while I have a number of pretty good friends, I only found one good babysitter of the kind I was looking for, so if I have to choose, I'd go with the latter relationship.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:40 PM on April 28, 2012
I get your point, koahiatamadl. It's a new idea to me, but I'm listening.
empath, it was really hard getting a good babysitter in the first place! So while I have a number of pretty good friends, I only found one good babysitter of the kind I was looking for, so if I have to choose, I'd go with the latter relationship.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:40 PM on April 28, 2012
There is no reason why you can't start by lending her books. Invite her to a family dinner or just out for coffee. Take it slow and see how she responds.
posted by francesca too at 1:51 PM on April 28, 2012
posted by francesca too at 1:51 PM on April 28, 2012
He's taken his entire web presence down, but Mark Pilgrim had a blog post up at one point about parenting books, and how every single one of them had a chapter that said, in one way or another, the following.
"Do not fuck the babysitter. It will ruin your life."
They couch all of that discussion in quiet terms about appropriate relationships, payment, acceptable working conditions and so forth, of course. But that is the meat of it.
I think it's excellent advice.
posted by mhoye at 2:33 PM on April 28, 2012
"Do not fuck the babysitter. It will ruin your life."
They couch all of that discussion in quiet terms about appropriate relationships, payment, acceptable working conditions and so forth, of course. But that is the meat of it.
I think it's excellent advice.
posted by mhoye at 2:33 PM on April 28, 2012
With an intelligent capable babysitter, i don't think the relationship is so much employer and servant as two members of a team with an important shared goal. Yes, you may be the money-holding member of the team, but you presumably want her to feel involved and empowered to make sensible decisions like "ER, now!"
I think the aim of your joint project, the well-being of your child, is best served by your building a closer relationship with the babysitter. You want her to go out of her way if necessary for your child and you, and you should show that you will go out of your way for her. You also need her to know how you think all sorts of situations should be handled, and for that you need conversation time.
I don't know if your schedule allows you to say "Well, how about staying for a coffee?" Make it clear whether you are paying for her time, maybe "I will pay you up to three o'clock" or whatever. If you have to say "Can you start half-an-hour ealrier next week to have time for coffee together?" Then you probably have to pay for her time, but it may be worth it.
Then see how it goes from coffee sometimes to other occasions.
posted by Idcoytco at 2:35 PM on April 28, 2012
I think the aim of your joint project, the well-being of your child, is best served by your building a closer relationship with the babysitter. You want her to go out of her way if necessary for your child and you, and you should show that you will go out of your way for her. You also need her to know how you think all sorts of situations should be handled, and for that you need conversation time.
I don't know if your schedule allows you to say "Well, how about staying for a coffee?" Make it clear whether you are paying for her time, maybe "I will pay you up to three o'clock" or whatever. If you have to say "Can you start half-an-hour ealrier next week to have time for coffee together?" Then you probably have to pay for her time, but it may be worth it.
Then see how it goes from coffee sometimes to other occasions.
posted by Idcoytco at 2:35 PM on April 28, 2012
Response by poster: I...don't want to have sex with the babysitter.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:14 PM on April 28, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by Omnomnom at 3:14 PM on April 28, 2012 [8 favorites]
We had a beloved babysitter (who moved to another state, alas) who was SO GREAT. We had many things in common, and the short chats we would have after coming home were always so enjoyable.
Just before she moved, we had a series of really fun coffee dates*, and I wished I had pursued more of a friendship with her. Don't miss out on a great potential friend! Ask her out to something casual sans kid, and see if you gel that way.
*friend dates, not date dates.
posted by 41swans at 3:23 PM on April 28, 2012
Just before she moved, we had a series of really fun coffee dates*, and I wished I had pursued more of a friendship with her. Don't miss out on a great potential friend! Ask her out to something casual sans kid, and see if you gel that way.
*friend dates, not date dates.
posted by 41swans at 3:23 PM on April 28, 2012
There are certain relationships in life that would be better if the circumstances were different. A boss, for example, you may have been good friends with -- if that person did not have (at least partial) control of your income stream.
Put yourself in the shoes of your employee. Their boss is very friendly, a cool guy, in fact, perhaps they could be friends, and go to shows together, or share books. How do you act? Do you indulge the boss, liking what they like, in a thinly veiled attempt to perpetuate your own job security?
In fact, as your boss gets cooler -- if that's possible -- you become confused. Are you friends? What is the line between your role as an employee and your role as your boss's new friend? Is there a line, or is the rest of the world wrong? Bosses and employees can be good friends first, right?
Your boss will understand if you have to be late. After all, you were together late at that show last night, he gets it. Oh wait, he doesn't. It's okay for him to sleep until noon -- because he's the boss and has that SuperAwesomeJob. You don't. You're the staff. And now, he reminds you of that.
What a dick, holding his friend to a different standard than himself. Well, which one are we, boss, are we friends or are you the boss? You're the boss. Okay, so that whole 'cool, we're friends, routine', that was just bullshit? No. It wasn't bullshit. You really like me. That's awesome. Oh, but I have a job to do now. And you're pulling rank and ordering me around. So we're not friends first.
Okay, that's acceptable. I can live with that. Why don't you go get some friends your own age and style, and how about you let me do my job? Because, you're my boss first. Right? If you're my friend first, well, that's just a really confusing situation with a lack of boundaries, isn't it.
posted by nickrussell at 4:41 PM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]
Put yourself in the shoes of your employee. Their boss is very friendly, a cool guy, in fact, perhaps they could be friends, and go to shows together, or share books. How do you act? Do you indulge the boss, liking what they like, in a thinly veiled attempt to perpetuate your own job security?
In fact, as your boss gets cooler -- if that's possible -- you become confused. Are you friends? What is the line between your role as an employee and your role as your boss's new friend? Is there a line, or is the rest of the world wrong? Bosses and employees can be good friends first, right?
Your boss will understand if you have to be late. After all, you were together late at that show last night, he gets it. Oh wait, he doesn't. It's okay for him to sleep until noon -- because he's the boss and has that SuperAwesomeJob. You don't. You're the staff. And now, he reminds you of that.
What a dick, holding his friend to a different standard than himself. Well, which one are we, boss, are we friends or are you the boss? You're the boss. Okay, so that whole 'cool, we're friends, routine', that was just bullshit? No. It wasn't bullshit. You really like me. That's awesome. Oh, but I have a job to do now. And you're pulling rank and ordering me around. So we're not friends first.
Okay, that's acceptable. I can live with that. Why don't you go get some friends your own age and style, and how about you let me do my job? Because, you're my boss first. Right? If you're my friend first, well, that's just a really confusing situation with a lack of boundaries, isn't it.
posted by nickrussell at 4:41 PM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]
Consider yourself lucky. What a blessing to find a babysitter who actually could be like part of the family. Our babysitter loves our girl, and we get along with her. Because we are both honorable types to our commitments, there is no question that we will pay her for her expertise and time and she will do the best job possible. If this wasn't the case, I'm sure that you wouldn't find her so attractive as a friend. Right? Congrats on finding a gem.
posted by boots77 at 6:45 PM on April 28, 2012
posted by boots77 at 6:45 PM on April 28, 2012
If she is just there for a few hours a week I don't see a problem with a personal relationship. I have run a Licensed Day Care Center out of my home for 29 years and I let parents know at interview I do not have a personal relationship with any of my day care clients. I learned this the hard way!!
posted by sybarite09 at 7:45 AM on April 30, 2012
posted by sybarite09 at 7:45 AM on April 30, 2012
Response by poster: Thank you for your help! I'm going to let it progress naturally and just leant her a book we were chatting about. I think anything else would make me feel and therefore act really awkwardly!
It helped to hear the spread of opinions, thank you.
posted by Omnomnom at 4:53 AM on May 2, 2012
It helped to hear the spread of opinions, thank you.
posted by Omnomnom at 4:53 AM on May 2, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:00 AM on April 28, 2012