How to tell my parents, about my preferences about marriage, without hurting them?
January 23, 2012 4:24 AM Subscribe
How do I handle my parents, with regards to my marriage? (also, is there any hope for me?)
Background - I am from one of those countries where parents "arrange" their kids' marriages. I moved to the US few years ago. In my early 30s.
My parents are after me, to get me married to a total stranger. Though I didn't grow up in a western culture, my thoughts are all liberal/western
Here is the problem - I don't want to get married to a stranger. But I am also totally useless with women, never having had any relationship in my life (I am smart, earn a decent living, well educated etc etc, but a total zero when it comes to "social" stuff - including parties, dating, hitting on women etc).
I'd love to be in a relationship. I don't have to get married, but it would be nice if that happens too. For most of you reading this, it might sound funny, and I completely understand it.
1. Is there anyone here, who overcame a similar situation? If yes, what worked for you?
2. How do I find women who'd be interested in dating a probably strange (to them) guy like me? (added to my problems is my height, most women don't even give me a second look because of that, even though I am not bad looking). Things that are in my favor don't even matter, because I don't seem to get past that "this guy is short, I don't wanna look at him again" stage.
3. How do I tell my parents, without hurting them, that I don't want to get married to a stranger? and that I don't want to have kids?
created this email just for this question - alwayshopeful99 at gmail dot com if you feel like writing to me there
Background - I am from one of those countries where parents "arrange" their kids' marriages. I moved to the US few years ago. In my early 30s.
My parents are after me, to get me married to a total stranger. Though I didn't grow up in a western culture, my thoughts are all liberal/western
Here is the problem - I don't want to get married to a stranger. But I am also totally useless with women, never having had any relationship in my life (I am smart, earn a decent living, well educated etc etc, but a total zero when it comes to "social" stuff - including parties, dating, hitting on women etc).
I'd love to be in a relationship. I don't have to get married, but it would be nice if that happens too. For most of you reading this, it might sound funny, and I completely understand it.
1. Is there anyone here, who overcame a similar situation? If yes, what worked for you?
2. How do I find women who'd be interested in dating a probably strange (to them) guy like me? (added to my problems is my height, most women don't even give me a second look because of that, even though I am not bad looking). Things that are in my favor don't even matter, because I don't seem to get past that "this guy is short, I don't wanna look at him again" stage.
3. How do I tell my parents, without hurting them, that I don't want to get married to a stranger? and that I don't want to have kids?
created this email just for this question - alwayshopeful99 at gmail dot com if you feel like writing to me there
There are all sorts of cultures that do this sort of thing - from 'courtship'- advocating Christians in Iowa to devout Muslims in Pakistan and way beyond, so it's hard to generalise. You might want to think hard about 'meeting this strange woman', though, since if you don't want to marry her, you presumably don't also want to create problems for her by making it seem like she's been rejected by a pre-vetted prospective husband. She may be looking for a traditional marriage, and it might make it harder for her to get one if you play along and then decide otherwise.
I can't really advise on how to deal with your parents...but I can tell you not to be too hard on yourself about your lack of dating skills. You grew up in a different context, and are now trying to master a set of skills that many people who grew up in the US have trouble with, particularly when they move from one part of the country to another. SO just because you haven't yet had a relationship, there is no reason to assume that you are "totally useless with women!" Hang in there...
posted by Wylla at 5:30 AM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
I can't really advise on how to deal with your parents...but I can tell you not to be too hard on yourself about your lack of dating skills. You grew up in a different context, and are now trying to master a set of skills that many people who grew up in the US have trouble with, particularly when they move from one part of the country to another. SO just because you haven't yet had a relationship, there is no reason to assume that you are "totally useless with women!" Hang in there...
posted by Wylla at 5:30 AM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you honestly want a relationship, meeting folks your parents send to you isn't a bad thing. It's essentially dating. They don't expect (assuming you're Indian like me) you to meet someone and marry them the next day---they want you to just take a more serious and efficient approach to dating. They want to get you to figure out if the person suits you.
And the woman they suggest probably also is facing the same problem. It's likely that she has the same experience with dating that you do, and the same reluctance you do. Who doesn't want a more fairytale-esque story of "falling in love."
Don't reject it outright. It's okay to tell them, especially if you're a dude, that you want to make sure that the woman is the right partner for you.
posted by anniecat at 5:39 AM on January 23, 2012 [5 favorites]
And the woman they suggest probably also is facing the same problem. It's likely that she has the same experience with dating that you do, and the same reluctance you do. Who doesn't want a more fairytale-esque story of "falling in love."
Don't reject it outright. It's okay to tell them, especially if you're a dude, that you want to make sure that the woman is the right partner for you.
posted by anniecat at 5:39 AM on January 23, 2012 [5 favorites]
Please, whatever you do, do not tell your parents that you do not want children.
I agree with the above posts, consider the stranger. Everyone is a stranger until you meet. She may be the one to help you with the social stuff.
At the end of the day, what type of woman do you want to go home to? Why don't you want children? Many women do. So if you truly don't want children, you will need to make that clear up front. Since you are in America, many of the single women in your age group will already have at least one child. Have you considered that?
Once you have figured it all out for yourself, then tell your parents your decision in a calm and honest manner. If you are an only child, they will be devastated. They want grandchildren. If you have brothers and sisters back home that have children then it will be easier for you. If brothers and sisters haven't started having babies yet then you may want to avoid telling your parents until after they have grandchildren.
My father (American all the way) was shy and very focused on his career. He lived with his mother. He built a house for them to live in together. When he was 36 years old, his sisters and mother decided that he must meet their hair dresser, a beautiful 21 year old cajun lady. He didn't listen to them. One night, at a party, he saw the woman that he wanted to marry. She was there with a total jerk and my dad ended up driving her home. Turned out she was the beautician that his family had chosen for her. They began dating. Since he didn't have much experience with women, he messed up a few times, forgetting to pick her up for dates and that sort of thing. His family helped smooth things over. They were married shortly after. They are still happily married, 41 years later, three kids, 3 grandkids. Sometimes, a mother does know best.
posted by myselfasme at 7:02 AM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
I agree with the above posts, consider the stranger. Everyone is a stranger until you meet. She may be the one to help you with the social stuff.
At the end of the day, what type of woman do you want to go home to? Why don't you want children? Many women do. So if you truly don't want children, you will need to make that clear up front. Since you are in America, many of the single women in your age group will already have at least one child. Have you considered that?
Once you have figured it all out for yourself, then tell your parents your decision in a calm and honest manner. If you are an only child, they will be devastated. They want grandchildren. If you have brothers and sisters back home that have children then it will be easier for you. If brothers and sisters haven't started having babies yet then you may want to avoid telling your parents until after they have grandchildren.
My father (American all the way) was shy and very focused on his career. He lived with his mother. He built a house for them to live in together. When he was 36 years old, his sisters and mother decided that he must meet their hair dresser, a beautiful 21 year old cajun lady. He didn't listen to them. One night, at a party, he saw the woman that he wanted to marry. She was there with a total jerk and my dad ended up driving her home. Turned out she was the beautician that his family had chosen for her. They began dating. Since he didn't have much experience with women, he messed up a few times, forgetting to pick her up for dates and that sort of thing. His family helped smooth things over. They were married shortly after. They are still happily married, 41 years later, three kids, 3 grandkids. Sometimes, a mother does know best.
posted by myselfasme at 7:02 AM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Since you say you don't really date on your own, do you have any objection to your parents setting you up? Would you be able to explain to them that you want to get to know someone first before making a commitment, and you don't expect to get married right away? If they would accept that, and if you trust their judgment, then having them set you up might actually be a good thing.
You might also try online dating -- if women can see your profile beforehand, you might weed out the ones who reject you purely based on your height. If you're interested of dating someone of the same ethnicity, there are all sorts of sites out there.
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:31 AM on January 23, 2012
You might also try online dating -- if women can see your profile beforehand, you might weed out the ones who reject you purely based on your height. If you're interested of dating someone of the same ethnicity, there are all sorts of sites out there.
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:31 AM on January 23, 2012
A friend of mine was born and raised in Canada, and has parents who are Indian-born and raised who immigrated to Canada as young adults. They want to arrange a marriage for her. She has made it clear to them that she is open to meeting anyone they have in mind, but that it will not proceed from there unless she and he are interested. I'd try something like that. If your family loves you and has even reasonable judgment, they will want to find someone good for you, someone of good character who is accomplished and comes of good family and is likely to do well in life. So you might just meet someone awesome and it could save you from having to sink a lot of money into dating sites.
And then once you've met someone, you can proceed to have a western-style relationship, where you get a chance to get to know each other and you compare notes on what you want. The no-kids thing will be a deal breaker for many women, so do be honest about that and prepared for the women to lose interest when they hear it.
And you know, it doesn't really matter how you meet someone. When you find someone who is really right for you, it'll feel incredibly awesome regardless of the circumstances of your meeting.
posted by orange swan at 7:35 AM on January 23, 2012 [3 favorites]
And then once you've met someone, you can proceed to have a western-style relationship, where you get a chance to get to know each other and you compare notes on what you want. The no-kids thing will be a deal breaker for many women, so do be honest about that and prepared for the women to lose interest when they hear it.
And you know, it doesn't really matter how you meet someone. When you find someone who is really right for you, it'll feel incredibly awesome regardless of the circumstances of your meeting.
posted by orange swan at 7:35 AM on January 23, 2012 [3 favorites]
Are they back in your country of origin or in the same country where you are now?
If you're in the same country, give it a try. It's as if they're setting you up on a blind date, right? Ultimately YOU get to decide if you want to pursue a relationship with that person or not.
If not, and you're expected to fly half way around the world to meet someone and get married the following month.... yeah, uhm..... I'd recommend some online dating sites first. You don't want to be that guy who gets engaged through an arrangement then loses his fear of approaching women and starts asking women out, while engaged! I've seen it happen more than once, it's quite sad.
There are plenty of short men out there. I'm friends with two guys who are each engaged to taller women. And the world is not lacking in short women either. Really, your height isn't nearly as big of a deal as you think it is.
My friend had an arranged marriage. She agreed to it bc she had issues meeting guys. Honestly, she doesn't seem very happy. She fell very hard for her husband. It now seems he was more into it for the green card/moving to the US than he was interested in her; whereas she genuinely wanted a companion for life. :(
nthing the be honest with women about the no children thing.
posted by Neekee at 8:08 AM on January 23, 2012
If you're in the same country, give it a try. It's as if they're setting you up on a blind date, right? Ultimately YOU get to decide if you want to pursue a relationship with that person or not.
If not, and you're expected to fly half way around the world to meet someone and get married the following month.... yeah, uhm..... I'd recommend some online dating sites first. You don't want to be that guy who gets engaged through an arrangement then loses his fear of approaching women and starts asking women out, while engaged! I've seen it happen more than once, it's quite sad.
There are plenty of short men out there. I'm friends with two guys who are each engaged to taller women. And the world is not lacking in short women either. Really, your height isn't nearly as big of a deal as you think it is.
My friend had an arranged marriage. She agreed to it bc she had issues meeting guys. Honestly, she doesn't seem very happy. She fell very hard for her husband. It now seems he was more into it for the green card/moving to the US than he was interested in her; whereas she genuinely wanted a companion for life. :(
nthing the be honest with women about the no children thing.
posted by Neekee at 8:08 AM on January 23, 2012
The no children thing is going to be way more of a deal breaker than your height. You should set up an online dating profile and be honest about your height and your no interest in kids. Give it a go. There's no rush. If it doesn't work, you can always revisit the idea of an arranged marriage.
posted by bananafish at 8:36 AM on January 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by bananafish at 8:36 AM on January 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
"The no-kids thing will be a deal breaker for many women, so do be honest about that and prepared for the women to lose interest when they hear it."
Conversely, it's important for the OP to know that there are as many women who will find him immediately attractive when he tosses the no-kids bouquet.
While you're mulling your dating strategy, get a vasectomy and make it a fait accompli.
posted by BostonTerrier at 9:31 AM on January 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
Conversely, it's important for the OP to know that there are as many women who will find him immediately attractive when he tosses the no-kids bouquet.
While you're mulling your dating strategy, get a vasectomy and make it a fait accompli.
posted by BostonTerrier at 9:31 AM on January 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
Well, yes, some folks will find it attractive. But there are far, far more people who want kids than don't, so it does limit his pool. Hell, we've all got things that limit our pool. Not everyone goes for short dudes, but I know short dudes that managed to get married anyway. I have an uncle who's maybe 5'1 at the most and he managed it. We've all got our things. It's a harder slog than more generic/stereotypical people, but that's just life.
But yeah, I second "don't tell them you don't want kids" until you absolutely have to. As long as you're single, they will hold out hope no matter what you say and not listen anyway. You might as well postpone that fight until you are actually married to a similarly childfree chick and thus have to have it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:42 AM on January 23, 2012
But yeah, I second "don't tell them you don't want kids" until you absolutely have to. As long as you're single, they will hold out hope no matter what you say and not listen anyway. You might as well postpone that fight until you are actually married to a similarly childfree chick and thus have to have it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:42 AM on January 23, 2012
But yeah, I second "don't tell them you don't want kids" until you absolutely have to. As long as you're single, they will hold out hope no matter what you say and not listen anyway. You might as well postpone that fight until you are actually married to a similarly childfree chick and thus have to have it.
OP, do NOT take this advice. Unless your hopes for getting married also include getting divorced. It's just not fair to string someone along like that and possibly waste years of her life. Make sure you're on the same page with whatever woman you meet from fairly early on. If you are absolutely sure you don't want kids, get a vasectomy and tell whatever woman you start to date that you've had one within the first half dozen dates. Then she knows what her options really are.
posted by orange swan at 11:02 AM on January 23, 2012
OP, do NOT take this advice. Unless your hopes for getting married also include getting divorced. It's just not fair to string someone along like that and possibly waste years of her life. Make sure you're on the same page with whatever woman you meet from fairly early on. If you are absolutely sure you don't want kids, get a vasectomy and tell whatever woman you start to date that you've had one within the first half dozen dates. Then she knows what her options really are.
posted by orange swan at 11:02 AM on January 23, 2012
I meant the OP shouldn't tell his parents that. Definitely tell his dates that!
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:11 AM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:11 AM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Whoops, sorry, jenfullmoon, I completely misunderstood!
posted by orange swan at 11:32 AM on January 23, 2012
posted by orange swan at 11:32 AM on January 23, 2012
If you've never had a relationship in your life, it is possible that you might change your mind and want to have kids with a woman who loves you and changes your life. Lots of things changed for me after I met the person I married, and his happiness became a part of my happiness. I'm not saying you'll want to procreate if you find the right person necessarily, but just that the person you are now may not be exactly the person you are when you are in love, and that you never know what may happen.
This is not a reason to hide your current preferences from your dates. Best to be upfront.
posted by onlyconnect at 1:06 PM on January 23, 2012
This is not a reason to hide your current preferences from your dates. Best to be upfront.
posted by onlyconnect at 1:06 PM on January 23, 2012
If your parents are in the same country as you, go ahead and meet this stranger they have in mind --- after all, remember your parents DO have your best interests at heart.
And for what its worth: there are surveys out there that say that arranged marriages, even ones where the couple barely meet before the actual wedding, have exactly the same statistical chances of happiness as love marriages.
posted by easily confused at 1:15 PM on January 23, 2012
And for what its worth: there are surveys out there that say that arranged marriages, even ones where the couple barely meet before the actual wedding, have exactly the same statistical chances of happiness as love marriages.
posted by easily confused at 1:15 PM on January 23, 2012
I just want to add a suggestion for looking at things in a somewhat different way. You say you are "useless with women." Please stop thinking like that. Women are people, just people. We're not some different species that you need to have special skills to handle. Be a nice, decent person, reasonably thoughtful and interesting, and treat all the women you meet just as if they were REAL PEOPLE. This will pretty much guarantee your success. On the other hand, if you focus your energies on learning how to "hit on women," you're gonna have all sorts of trouble.
posted by Corvid at 2:57 PM on January 23, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Corvid at 2:57 PM on January 23, 2012 [5 favorites]
Go places that will enable you to meet a woman with similar interests. Join a club, take dance lessons, whatever. There's tons of info on ways to meet women if you search askme.
So what if you're short! My brother was 5'2", and he dated constantly. Married twice, both women that were taller than he was. Women loved to flirt with him, even when he was married. (Good thing his second wife was secure!) My daughter's 6'2", and there's only one fella she's dated (that I can recall) that was taller than she is. Some were close, but not all. Oddly enough, most of the shorter guys love to go out with her while she's wearing heels.
Corvid gives good advice. Take heed.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:44 PM on January 23, 2012
So what if you're short! My brother was 5'2", and he dated constantly. Married twice, both women that were taller than he was. Women loved to flirt with him, even when he was married. (Good thing his second wife was secure!) My daughter's 6'2", and there's only one fella she's dated (that I can recall) that was taller than she is. Some were close, but not all. Oddly enough, most of the shorter guys love to go out with her while she's wearing heels.
Corvid gives good advice. Take heed.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:44 PM on January 23, 2012
I have no advice about the arranged marriage part of your question, but I just wanted to add that I'm most attracted to short, skinny (no muscles) men with receding hairlines (really!) who don't want kids. Unless you have 13 arms and a head the size of a hula hoop, there will be women out there who find you attractive!
posted by hasna at 6:47 PM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by hasna at 6:47 PM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Disclaimer: I have no experience with the cultural tradition of arranged marriage. Can you say Mom, Dad, I've become pretty Westernized, so I'm cautious about a completely arranged marriage. But I feel that you could help me meet young women from a background like ours, with similar values. I promise to meet the women you introduce to me, take them out at least twice, and be respectful of them. Having similar values and backgrounds helps marriages work. Maybe your parents will introduce you to some nice women, who may feel as uneasy as you do about arranged marriage.
posted by theora55 at 7:15 PM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 7:15 PM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by michaelh at 4:51 AM on January 23, 2012 [4 favorites]