Mike Nichols didn't prepare me for this...
January 16, 2012 5:07 PM Subscribe
I'm being pursued by a much younger man. How bad would it be to let him catch me?
I am a woman in her mid-30's. He is an 18 year-old young man. We are in the US.
We are members of a hobby group that includes people from 10-45, and have been friendly for the last couple of years. He has been play-flirty with me, which I interpreted as and responded to with the thought "Oh, how cute. He's doing that awkward teenage boy testing flirting on a safe adult thing." I do not believe I encouraged his attention beyond that.
Since he turned 18, his attention has turned from vague comments to actively trying to learn what other kinds of things I'm into and direct compliments and more close physical contact. He's asked me to go to different events with him outside of the group before which I have always demurred due to the age difference.
I admit, I'm flattered by the attention. He's a very kind, smart funny person, and I do wish he weren't so young because there'd be no question about what to do next. But I'm afraid at this point in his life that this kind of relationship could break or otherwise irrevocably damage him for the future.
Is there any way to have let him catch me without psychologically breaking him?
I am a woman in her mid-30's. He is an 18 year-old young man. We are in the US.
We are members of a hobby group that includes people from 10-45, and have been friendly for the last couple of years. He has been play-flirty with me, which I interpreted as and responded to with the thought "Oh, how cute. He's doing that awkward teenage boy testing flirting on a safe adult thing." I do not believe I encouraged his attention beyond that.
Since he turned 18, his attention has turned from vague comments to actively trying to learn what other kinds of things I'm into and direct compliments and more close physical contact. He's asked me to go to different events with him outside of the group before which I have always demurred due to the age difference.
I admit, I'm flattered by the attention. He's a very kind, smart funny person, and I do wish he weren't so young because there'd be no question about what to do next. But I'm afraid at this point in his life that this kind of relationship could break or otherwise irrevocably damage him for the future.
Is there any way to have let him catch me without psychologically breaking him?
We are members of a hobby group that includes people from 10-45...
Kind in mind the blowback from a hobby group of members between 10-45. They'll find out, somehow, and that may change their opinion of you and him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:14 PM on January 16, 2012 [13 favorites]
Kind in mind the blowback from a hobby group of members between 10-45. They'll find out, somehow, and that may change their opinion of you and him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:14 PM on January 16, 2012 [13 favorites]
He's an adult and can make decisions.
You're giving yourself too much credit if you think having a relationship with him could "break or irrevocably damage him for the future."
posted by dfriedman at 5:14 PM on January 16, 2012 [14 favorites]
You're giving yourself too much credit if you think having a relationship with him could "break or irrevocably damage him for the future."
posted by dfriedman at 5:14 PM on January 16, 2012 [14 favorites]
I think that relationships with that large an age difference, especially when one of the parties has just reached legal adulthood, are tremendously complicated, and kudos to you for being mindful of that.
Another factor is what the impact will be in the group, and whether you prioritize smooth relations within the group over the appeal of having a romantic relationship with this person, or vice versa.
A third factor is what the potential awkwardness of a relationship's ending will mean in terms of the group dynamics. It is rare (though not, of course, impossible) that someone in their mid 30s and someone in their late teens are going to be on similar relationship duration cycles, so thinking ahead to how you might each manage a breakup and how that might affect the group could be wise.
I don't think "irrevocably damage him" is likely, though. Unless you intend to be an absolute asshole, which it doesn't sound like you do at all. "Potentially contribute to a situation in which he feels it awkward to continue in a hobby he loves," on the other hand, is something you might want to think about.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:14 PM on January 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
Another factor is what the impact will be in the group, and whether you prioritize smooth relations within the group over the appeal of having a romantic relationship with this person, or vice versa.
A third factor is what the potential awkwardness of a relationship's ending will mean in terms of the group dynamics. It is rare (though not, of course, impossible) that someone in their mid 30s and someone in their late teens are going to be on similar relationship duration cycles, so thinking ahead to how you might each manage a breakup and how that might affect the group could be wise.
I don't think "irrevocably damage him" is likely, though. Unless you intend to be an absolute asshole, which it doesn't sound like you do at all. "Potentially contribute to a situation in which he feels it awkward to continue in a hobby he loves," on the other hand, is something you might want to think about.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:14 PM on January 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
You've been friendly for the last couple of years? So since he was a minor? It's not like this is an OMG terrible thing since he's 18, but it's still a little odd in my opinion. Like Sidhedevil said, consider that this might make it awkward for him to continue in this hobby -- and it also might make it odd for you.
The parents of the minors in the group might think you'd go for their kids next. I don't know the group, but these are just some of my thoughts top of mind. I'm your age, and the thought of being with an 18-year-old, just...no.
posted by sweetkid at 5:23 PM on January 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
The parents of the minors in the group might think you'd go for their kids next. I don't know the group, but these are just some of my thoughts top of mind. I'm your age, and the thought of being with an 18-year-old, just...no.
posted by sweetkid at 5:23 PM on January 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
...and have been friendly for the last couple of years
Also, you open yourself up to others accusing you of abuse, which can affect you, him and the group. Yes, you didn't do anything until he turned 18, but the perception by others could be not so forgiving.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. Do you really need all this potential grief caused by this particular minnow?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:23 PM on January 16, 2012 [24 favorites]
Also, you open yourself up to others accusing you of abuse, which can affect you, him and the group. Yes, you didn't do anything until he turned 18, but the perception by others could be not so forgiving.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. Do you really need all this potential grief caused by this particular minnow?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:23 PM on January 16, 2012 [24 favorites]
I think if you are interested, you should go for it. It's probably a very good idea to manage expectations - this is not a longterm relationship, as he is going to grow emotionally and personality-wise over the next few years.
But keep it casual but respectful and fun, and enjoy it while it lasts.
From my point of view, women become increasingly sexy over the age of 30. You could show him a thing or two about intimacy that would help his relationships for the rest of his life.
posted by KokuRyu at 5:26 PM on January 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
But keep it casual but respectful and fun, and enjoy it while it lasts.
From my point of view, women become increasingly sexy over the age of 30. You could show him a thing or two about intimacy that would help his relationships for the rest of his life.
posted by KokuRyu at 5:26 PM on January 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
I think you're being super considerate of him, but he's an adult. If it works or doesn't, that's how relationships are. And you are likely to be more considerate than a less experienced date or love interest.
However, since you knew him before he was 18, would your group feel weird about you pursuing someone who started out in the group as a minor? And how would you feel about that?
posted by zippy at 5:27 PM on January 16, 2012
However, since you knew him before he was 18, would your group feel weird about you pursuing someone who started out in the group as a minor? And how would you feel about that?
posted by zippy at 5:27 PM on January 16, 2012
Also, you open yourself up to others accusing you of abuse, which can affect you, him and the group. Yes, you didn't do anything until he turned 18, but the perception by others could be not so forgiving.
Brandon said this much more firmly than I did, but yes, this is my concern in this situation.
posted by sweetkid at 5:27 PM on January 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Brandon said this much more firmly than I did, but yes, this is my concern in this situation.
posted by sweetkid at 5:27 PM on January 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Here's some advice from Dan Savage's readers on how to follow Dan's "campsite rule" for relationships with large age differences: leave him in at least as good a state as you found him.
posted by mr_roboto at 5:29 PM on January 16, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by mr_roboto at 5:29 PM on January 16, 2012 [10 favorites]
But I'm afraid at this point in his life that this kind of relationship could break or otherwise irrevocably damage him for the future.
I think if you do this, you should go into it knowing exactly what kind of relationship this is likely to be (a fling) and spell that out to him, too. At the beginning.
Are you okay with this not being a long-term relationship? Because I think if you want that from him, you should probably wait until he's at least a senior in college or ideally a year or two out of college. There's a lot of growing up that happens during that time.
If you're both okay with a short-term relationship, just remember Dan Savage's campsite rule and I don't think you'll psychologically break him.
posted by vegartanipla at 5:31 PM on January 16, 2012
I think if you do this, you should go into it knowing exactly what kind of relationship this is likely to be (a fling) and spell that out to him, too. At the beginning.
Are you okay with this not being a long-term relationship? Because I think if you want that from him, you should probably wait until he's at least a senior in college or ideally a year or two out of college. There's a lot of growing up that happens during that time.
If you're both okay with a short-term relationship, just remember Dan Savage's campsite rule and I don't think you'll psychologically break him.
posted by vegartanipla at 5:31 PM on January 16, 2012
As a man who was once 18 (oh so long ago), go for it.
posted by Brian Puccio at 5:35 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Brian Puccio at 5:35 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I seriously doubt there will be any damage to him, and I also seriously doubt he's expecting anything more than a fling.
posted by MexicanYenta at 5:37 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by MexicanYenta at 5:37 PM on January 16, 2012
Are you prepared to give up your hobby group if this goes sideways? I think big age gaps are sort of inherently exploitative, and it's only because of a gender double standard that we think the Mrs. Robinson thing is okay - a mid-thirties guy who pleaded, "I don't know how much longer I can resist the charms of the 18-year-old throwing herself at me" would get a lot of sideways looks, and words like "gross" and "desperate" would be bandied about (along with "envy" and "fantasy" because people are nothing if not conflicted.) If things go wrong, and your hobby group knows about it, you are going to be seen as the one at fault because you "are older and should have known better," no matter how it actually plays out.
All that said, every relationship is a special snowflake, he's of age, and he's into it. He's vulnerable because he's younger, but youth has resilience on its side too - I don't think you're going to permanently warp him if you pay attention and play nice.
posted by gingerest at 5:42 PM on January 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
All that said, every relationship is a special snowflake, he's of age, and he's into it. He's vulnerable because he's younger, but youth has resilience on its side too - I don't think you're going to permanently warp him if you pay attention and play nice.
posted by gingerest at 5:42 PM on January 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
My first reaction is that if he's 18, then there's grass on the field and you can play ball. There's no way you are going to "break him" by having a romp in the hay. Big age gaps can be problematic, but they can also be fun and freeing.
That said, however, I think Brandon B made an extremely good point:
Also, you open yourself up to others accusing you of abuse, which can affect you, him and the group. Yes, you didn't do anything until he turned 18, but the perception by others could be not so forgiving.
You know the group and the group dynamics and we don't, but if there's even a chance of people thinking you have been cultivating him for years, or maybe even having sex with him covertly for years and only now going public, then I would tell you to steer far, far clear. Absent that kind of talk, it's just two adults having fun, but if there's a perception of misbehavior, that can add misery to your life that you just don't need.
posted by Forktine at 5:46 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
That said, however, I think Brandon B made an extremely good point:
Also, you open yourself up to others accusing you of abuse, which can affect you, him and the group. Yes, you didn't do anything until he turned 18, but the perception by others could be not so forgiving.
You know the group and the group dynamics and we don't, but if there's even a chance of people thinking you have been cultivating him for years, or maybe even having sex with him covertly for years and only now going public, then I would tell you to steer far, far clear. Absent that kind of talk, it's just two adults having fun, but if there's a perception of misbehavior, that can add misery to your life that you just don't need.
posted by Forktine at 5:46 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
My cousin was 25 when she started dating a 16 year old. They have been together eight years now, married for four and have a child together.
So, you know, it could also work out splendidly.
posted by munchingzombie at 5:48 PM on January 16, 2012
So, you know, it could also work out splendidly.
posted by munchingzombie at 5:48 PM on January 16, 2012
Response by poster: I thought the way I phrased ” we've been friendly” might be problematic - what I meant is that we chat and joke around within the confines of the group, the same way I am friendly with other people in the group.
I am greatly concerned about how a change in our dynamic would affect the group and that I be perceived as pervy or to have taken advantage of him.
posted by The Imp of the Perverse at 5:49 PM on January 16, 2012
I am greatly concerned about how a change in our dynamic would affect the group and that I be perceived as pervy or to have taken advantage of him.
posted by The Imp of the Perverse at 5:49 PM on January 16, 2012
I am greatly concerned about how a change in our dynamic would affect the group and that I be perceived as pervy or to have taken advantage of him.
Well, that's the standard adult response to relationships with such an age gap, especially when one is still a teenager who was a minor not too long ago. Just FYI, people will talk and I would surmise that some will shun you just as you suspect.
posted by devymetal at 5:55 PM on January 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Well, that's the standard adult response to relationships with such an age gap, especially when one is still a teenager who was a minor not too long ago. Just FYI, people will talk and I would surmise that some will shun you just as you suspect.
posted by devymetal at 5:55 PM on January 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Do you like him? Or do you like the novelty of being pursued by someone that young?
You never say "I like him too" or "I have a crush on him". It makes me wonder if you are really into him for who he is, or you find the attention flattering (almost everyone would) and are mistaking that rush for interest in him. I would think about this.
If you feel like he's fragile and you might damage him, it's a good heads up from your gut to appreciate the compliment but otherwise pass.
posted by griselda at 5:57 PM on January 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
You never say "I like him too" or "I have a crush on him". It makes me wonder if you are really into him for who he is, or you find the attention flattering (almost everyone would) and are mistaking that rush for interest in him. I would think about this.
If you feel like he's fragile and you might damage him, it's a good heads up from your gut to appreciate the compliment but otherwise pass.
posted by griselda at 5:57 PM on January 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
...the same way I am friendly with other people in the group.
Are there any other 16 or 17 year old boys in the group you "chat and joke around" with? A relationship with this guy might cast those relationships in a different light. It might cast your relationship with him in a different light.
Look, if this was relationship outside of these group, I'd say go for it, have a ball, but remember that you're the adult in this relationship. Yes, he's of legal age, but he's still very young and you're much more experienced. There is an imbalance in knowledge and thus power. Use it wisely
But this isn't outside of the group, it's smack dab in the middle of it and you should be aware of the potential change in dynamics in if you go down this road. You know him and the group better than we do. But you also know how badly things go wrong in office romances. Think of this as similar situation and proceed with the wisdom that you're learned over past 30+ years.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:01 PM on January 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Are there any other 16 or 17 year old boys in the group you "chat and joke around" with? A relationship with this guy might cast those relationships in a different light. It might cast your relationship with him in a different light.
Look, if this was relationship outside of these group, I'd say go for it, have a ball, but remember that you're the adult in this relationship. Yes, he's of legal age, but he's still very young and you're much more experienced. There is an imbalance in knowledge and thus power. Use it wisely
But this isn't outside of the group, it's smack dab in the middle of it and you should be aware of the potential change in dynamics in if you go down this road. You know him and the group better than we do. But you also know how badly things go wrong in office romances. Think of this as similar situation and proceed with the wisdom that you're learned over past 30+ years.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:01 PM on January 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm a 37 y/o woman and I would totally think you're a perv if I were in your hobby group. I mean, I'd try to be openminded, and I'd feel guilty for thinking bad things, but I would definitely think there was something wrong with you.
posted by desjardins at 6:17 PM on January 16, 2012 [14 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 6:17 PM on January 16, 2012 [14 favorites]
You're twice as old as he is - try to remember what you were thinking at age 16, 17, 18 about what love and relationships and sex were really about. Is that honestly the kind of mentality you want to be in a relationship with?
My concerns are:
1. The rest of the people in that group, particularly the parents, will probably not respond well. It doesn't particularly matter how the relationship ends (and it almost certainly will end;) they'll see it poorly, especially because you've known this young man since, what, he was in 9th grade? 10th? They just will not respond well at all, unless this is a very different hobby group from the ones I've seen.
2. This is likely to be a fairly shallow relationship from the perspective of an adult in their 30s. You are going to be teaching him a lot of stuff - stuff that really, you deserve (and probably expect) romantic partners to already know. He's supposed to be growing up and learning things the hard way, to a certain extent (this is probably the one place where I think there's potential to "damage him" in a permanent sense - you're interfering with his development as an adult - but it's not my biggest concern by far.)
3. I too am troubled by an absence of positive reasons to go into this relationship, from your POV, beyond the "cute young guy is interested in me, yay" stuff. Being flattered by his attention does not mean having a relationship is a great idea.
4. If you were a guy my age, and you told me you had dated someone just out high school and that was just, say, last year, I would not be interested in having a relationship with you, for a large number of reasons. Given that I think your relationship with this young man is unlikely to last, I think this is a real issue to be aware of. You can't ever undo this kind of thing. Ever.
5. You also can't ever undo the fact that you have been a part of the adult support system he grew up with. This is a power disparity I think you really need to consider carefully, separate from the question of what people will think. Yeah, sure, he can vote - can he really, legitimately consent to being in an intimate relationship with someone who'd been a mentor beforehand? There's a reason student/teacher relationships are stigmatized, even when there's no direct "this person actually gives you grades" issue, and even when all parties are over 18.
If you can continue to be platonic friends with him through his college graduation, I would be significantly less concerned. I also think the odds are he won't be interested anymore, and you'll be less flattered. Which is really another reason not to do this.
posted by SMPA at 6:19 PM on January 16, 2012 [15 favorites]
My concerns are:
1. The rest of the people in that group, particularly the parents, will probably not respond well. It doesn't particularly matter how the relationship ends (and it almost certainly will end;) they'll see it poorly, especially because you've known this young man since, what, he was in 9th grade? 10th? They just will not respond well at all, unless this is a very different hobby group from the ones I've seen.
2. This is likely to be a fairly shallow relationship from the perspective of an adult in their 30s. You are going to be teaching him a lot of stuff - stuff that really, you deserve (and probably expect) romantic partners to already know. He's supposed to be growing up and learning things the hard way, to a certain extent (this is probably the one place where I think there's potential to "damage him" in a permanent sense - you're interfering with his development as an adult - but it's not my biggest concern by far.)
3. I too am troubled by an absence of positive reasons to go into this relationship, from your POV, beyond the "cute young guy is interested in me, yay" stuff. Being flattered by his attention does not mean having a relationship is a great idea.
4. If you were a guy my age, and you told me you had dated someone just out high school and that was just, say, last year, I would not be interested in having a relationship with you, for a large number of reasons. Given that I think your relationship with this young man is unlikely to last, I think this is a real issue to be aware of. You can't ever undo this kind of thing. Ever.
5. You also can't ever undo the fact that you have been a part of the adult support system he grew up with. This is a power disparity I think you really need to consider carefully, separate from the question of what people will think. Yeah, sure, he can vote - can he really, legitimately consent to being in an intimate relationship with someone who'd been a mentor beforehand? There's a reason student/teacher relationships are stigmatized, even when there's no direct "this person actually gives you grades" issue, and even when all parties are over 18.
If you can continue to be platonic friends with him through his college graduation, I would be significantly less concerned. I also think the odds are he won't be interested anymore, and you'll be less flattered. Which is really another reason not to do this.
posted by SMPA at 6:19 PM on January 16, 2012 [15 favorites]
20+ years ago, I was a 19 year old who pursued and caught a 40 something, then went on to have a marvellous fling for a few months which I still look back fondly on, I say go for it...!
posted by nicktf at 6:29 PM on January 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by nicktf at 6:29 PM on January 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
I'd say go for it, but I would leave the hobby group first so as to not leave yourself open to misinterpreting of the facts by any parents of the younger group members. He's 18 and an adult, and as was said previously be prepared to make sure you leave him in better condition than you found him.
posted by wwax at 6:35 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by wwax at 6:35 PM on January 16, 2012
You know, if you were a man, you wouldn't have any doubts - you'd just flail away, so to speak. You might even get into a serious relationship. If you were a gay man, you could come from part of the gay community where this age difference was totally, totally normal and okay. You won't break the kid, as long as he's unlikely to convince himself that he's deathlessly in love with you. If he seems fairly emotionally stable and you genuinely like him, go for it. Yes, some folks will disapprove; however, those are the same folks who will probably find something to disapprove of in any woman's relationship unless she's married to her exact social-class peer who is about two years older than her, has a career slightly but not dramatically better than hers, has absolutely dead average gender expression and produces 2.8 children with her.
Honestly, since you're a straight woman, a relationship with a big age difference is a LOT less reinforcing of screwed-up social norms than if you were a dude dating an eighteen-year-old girl- you're not just reinscribing the "women over about 25 are useless and ugly, plus all men are entitled to an endless sequence of nubile partners" thing.
posted by Frowner at 6:49 PM on January 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
Honestly, since you're a straight woman, a relationship with a big age difference is a LOT less reinforcing of screwed-up social norms than if you were a dude dating an eighteen-year-old girl- you're not just reinscribing the "women over about 25 are useless and ugly, plus all men are entitled to an endless sequence of nubile partners" thing.
posted by Frowner at 6:49 PM on January 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
I have an acquaintance in her mid-30s who is dating a 19 year old who is in college, and I think it is really weird. So I guess all I wanted to say is that you should be prepared for people to judge you in a negative manner.
To clarify, I don't worry about her damaging him, I'm sure he'll be fine and is just thrilled to be having sex with an experienced woman, but I think she's weird for being in a relationship with someone so young.
posted by echo0720 at 7:00 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
To clarify, I don't worry about her damaging him, I'm sure he'll be fine and is just thrilled to be having sex with an experienced woman, but I think she's weird for being in a relationship with someone so young.
posted by echo0720 at 7:00 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, after having read Frowner's comment, I want to say that I would feel the same way if this was a 35 year old man asking the question.
posted by echo0720 at 7:04 PM on January 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by echo0720 at 7:04 PM on January 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: I haven't let myself think about him as a crush or potential fling for fear of developing what I felt were inappropriate feelings. I could very easily see it turning romantic which is why I'm questioning it now as opposed to after it all gets complicated. I like him, very much.
I'm not in a parental or mentoring role in this group, but the point about the power disparity is well taken.
And the parents! I mean, there's no way I don't come off bad to the parents. I mean what if it did develop into something serious? I don't think I could look his family in the eye. So maybe that's my answer.
posted by The Imp of the Perverse at 7:09 PM on January 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
I'm not in a parental or mentoring role in this group, but the point about the power disparity is well taken.
And the parents! I mean, there's no way I don't come off bad to the parents. I mean what if it did develop into something serious? I don't think I could look his family in the eye. So maybe that's my answer.
posted by The Imp of the Perverse at 7:09 PM on January 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
So he is 18 and is legally an adult, but is he actually anything near one? Does he still live with his parents? Have a job/college?
If he is genuinely an independent person with his own place/independence/agency then that is one thing, but don't go perving into someone in their childhood home where you've only ever known them as a child. I'm 23 and recently had a thing with a woman in their mid thirties, but I'm an adult with a career and a home and some life experience. He has graduated from High School right?
posted by Blasdelb at 7:12 PM on January 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
If he is genuinely an independent person with his own place/independence/agency then that is one thing, but don't go perving into someone in their childhood home where you've only ever known them as a child. I'm 23 and recently had a thing with a woman in their mid thirties, but I'm an adult with a career and a home and some life experience. He has graduated from High School right?
posted by Blasdelb at 7:12 PM on January 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
As a man who was once 18, my main observation is that I've never known an 18-year-old male particularly capable of an adult relationship, including the ones who have carried their 18-year-old relationships into the long term, and even a casual one.
As suggested, aside from your concerns about the group, managing expectations is going to be the main thing, and as a male of that age, no matter how smart he is, he may not be capable of saying what he feels and/or doing what he says under the circumstances.
posted by cmoj at 7:12 PM on January 16, 2012
As suggested, aside from your concerns about the group, managing expectations is going to be the main thing, and as a male of that age, no matter how smart he is, he may not be capable of saying what he feels and/or doing what he says under the circumstances.
posted by cmoj at 7:12 PM on January 16, 2012
"I don't think I could look his family in the eye. So maybe that's my answer."
Yeah, thats not feeling conflicted, thats feeling pervy. Conflicted is something anyone thinking of anything like this should be feeling, pervy is something no one thinking of anything like this should be feeling.
This is a minnow that needs to be let go. If you like, tell him to look forward to a summer break from college or something, but your absolutely right to be really fucking wary.
posted by Blasdelb at 7:17 PM on January 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Yeah, thats not feeling conflicted, thats feeling pervy. Conflicted is something anyone thinking of anything like this should be feeling, pervy is something no one thinking of anything like this should be feeling.
This is a minnow that needs to be let go. If you like, tell him to look forward to a summer break from college or something, but your absolutely right to be really fucking wary.
posted by Blasdelb at 7:17 PM on January 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Er, folks? How come we're all commenting on the pros and cons of a sexual relationship here? How come you're so concerned about it, Imp? As I understand it, you've only interacted with this guy in your group setting. How about going to a movie or two? Eating out? Doing something one of you thinks is fun and the other has never tried? An unexpected reaction -- by either of you -- to a movie, or people outside your group, or his table manners, or your reaction to introducing him to your other friends, or a dozen other things could make this whole discussion a moo point. ("moo point": a cow's opinion, makes no difference)
For what it's worth, I'm 8 years older than my husband of 31 years; my best friend is 12 years older than her husband of 27 years; and another close friend is 25 years older than her husband (who was initially her son's friend). It's a small sample, but we certainly seem to be having a better time now than our friends who married older men.
And a last, tiny point: you express worry that you might "damage him." If you fall for him, and want to be with him, and he decides you're too old .... Well, take a little care for yourself. The damage could go either way.
posted by kestralwing at 7:54 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
For what it's worth, I'm 8 years older than my husband of 31 years; my best friend is 12 years older than her husband of 27 years; and another close friend is 25 years older than her husband (who was initially her son's friend). It's a small sample, but we certainly seem to be having a better time now than our friends who married older men.
And a last, tiny point: you express worry that you might "damage him." If you fall for him, and want to be with him, and he decides you're too old .... Well, take a little care for yourself. The damage could go either way.
posted by kestralwing at 7:54 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Get stuck in.
posted by tumid dahlia at 8:12 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by tumid dahlia at 8:12 PM on January 16, 2012
You're not going to "break" him, even if he's infatuated and falls in love or something dumb like that -- kids bounce. When I was young, I pursued much older women, and had a 6-year relationship with a woman 12 years older than me. We're still friends 25 years later. The real question is, do you like him as a person, whatever age? There's not a power disparity, unless you have some sort of authority over him.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:18 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:18 PM on January 16, 2012
Response by poster: Kestralwing - A sexual relationship isn't the furthest thing from my mind, but it is pretty far off on my radar to be honest. I have zero, and I mean zero assumption that sex is even on the table. I'm really just concerned about the implications and complications involved in letting this turn into something outside this group.
posted by The Imp of the Perverse at 8:32 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by The Imp of the Perverse at 8:32 PM on January 16, 2012
Just know that people WILL gossip about this, and intensely. Theoretically, I am of the Give It A Try! mentality, but if a friend of mine if either gender started dating an 18 year old (I'm 35), everyone we know would be dishing about it and probably a bit weirded out.
From a practical standpoint alone, it seems less than ideal to date someone who can't even legally go to a bar with you.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 8:48 PM on January 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
From a practical standpoint alone, it seems less than ideal to date someone who can't even legally go to a bar with you.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 8:48 PM on January 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
I'm kind of surprised by the consensus that this is totally cook. I think this is tremendously weird. 18 may be legal but he's still a baby. I'm 26 and I would feel weird hanging with an 18-year-old in any romantic capacity. Heck, a couple years ago I was approached by a 19-year-old and I wasn't able to do it, the difference in maturity was just too much. During 80% of our conversations I was reminded of how young they were.
You know, people are saying if you were a guy you'd already be flailing away, but I also think if you were a guy answers would be a LOT more negative. Mid-thirties guy with 18-year-old girl? Nobody would think that was slightly improper or a little weird? Nobody would be raising concerns of power imbalances and questioning the guy for dating someone who is so clearly more immature and less experienced?
I know the older woman-younger man feeds into "Mrs. Robinson" fantasies. Maybe some people think it's fighting against societal norms or something. Yet in the end power imbalances from age differences are power imbalances. If he was in his mid-twenties and you were in your mid-forties it would be one thing. But he is in a very delicate, crucial point in his life. Yeah, the fact that you're concerned does speak positively towards possible outcomes and makes it more likely you'd be following the "campsite rule". However I think it's telling that such a thing as the "campsite rule" even exists--it implicitly acknowledges that these kind of imbalanced relationships can be extremely problematic.
If I were you I would stay with being flattered and leave it at that.
posted by Anonymous at 9:08 PM on January 16, 2012
You know, people are saying if you were a guy you'd already be flailing away, but I also think if you were a guy answers would be a LOT more negative. Mid-thirties guy with 18-year-old girl? Nobody would think that was slightly improper or a little weird? Nobody would be raising concerns of power imbalances and questioning the guy for dating someone who is so clearly more immature and less experienced?
I know the older woman-younger man feeds into "Mrs. Robinson" fantasies. Maybe some people think it's fighting against societal norms or something. Yet in the end power imbalances from age differences are power imbalances. If he was in his mid-twenties and you were in your mid-forties it would be one thing. But he is in a very delicate, crucial point in his life. Yeah, the fact that you're concerned does speak positively towards possible outcomes and makes it more likely you'd be following the "campsite rule". However I think it's telling that such a thing as the "campsite rule" even exists--it implicitly acknowledges that these kind of imbalanced relationships can be extremely problematic.
If I were you I would stay with being flattered and leave it at that.
posted by Anonymous at 9:08 PM on January 16, 2012
As a 21 year old female, for what it's worth, I say go for it, but keep it low-key and take it very slowly.
posted by DeltaForce at 9:18 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by DeltaForce at 9:18 PM on January 16, 2012
Manage expectations. Clearly. This has been mentioned by a couple people, and in regard to not breaking him, I believe that is the most important thing you can possibly do.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:21 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by J. Wilson at 9:21 PM on January 16, 2012
The official Creepy Rule is "half your age plus seven", so he's not "fair game". He's Officially Creepy. Your lower range in your 30s starts at 22 and shifts upwards to 26 as you go. You can't drink with him. He's not even in the right decade. I've known people to cross this line but it was creepy. It will also definitely fuck up the group dynamic.
If you're ok with that, you can get with him. It's legal. Otherwise I'd say don't.
If he's too hot to pass up and you don't care about the group dynamic or being Officially Creepy, and you do get with him, remember the campsite rule: leave him better than you found him. Eighteen is tender.
posted by ead at 9:21 PM on January 16, 2012
If you're ok with that, you can get with him. It's legal. Otherwise I'd say don't.
If he's too hot to pass up and you don't care about the group dynamic or being Officially Creepy, and you do get with him, remember the campsite rule: leave him better than you found him. Eighteen is tender.
posted by ead at 9:21 PM on January 16, 2012
The OP hardly seems like a creep - she's come here for advice, for heaven's sake, which demonstrates she's a thoughtful person.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:27 PM on January 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by KokuRyu at 9:27 PM on January 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
Would this be the young man's first relationship? Also, is he living with his parents, or is independent? Honestly, if he still lives at home and cannot support himself, then, despite how much he may rail against it, he is still a child -- and even if there is argument about whether or not I should call him a "child", it would be just too awkward engaging in a relationship which involves you going over to his Ma's house to pick him up for hobby night or dinner and movie, not to mention the late night call asking why he hasn't come home when he's sleeping in your bed. But perhaps you can deal with that, I dunno your threshold on these sorts of things.
Otherwise, I say go for it, youth is intoxicating, enjoy it. Of course there will be blow-back, but the best sorts of fun are usually dangerous. He'll be fine, if anything he'll be better than fine and will often think back to it, unless of course you are someone terrible to date, and remember, if anything, relationships unequal in age were the norm back in the day, and not necessarily the worst thing in the world -- think of the Greeks or Austin's Emma.
posted by Shit Parade at 9:40 PM on January 16, 2012
Otherwise, I say go for it, youth is intoxicating, enjoy it. Of course there will be blow-back, but the best sorts of fun are usually dangerous. He'll be fine, if anything he'll be better than fine and will often think back to it, unless of course you are someone terrible to date, and remember, if anything, relationships unequal in age were the norm back in the day, and not necessarily the worst thing in the world -- think of the Greeks or Austin's Emma.
posted by Shit Parade at 9:40 PM on January 16, 2012
The OP hardly seems like a creep - she's come here for advice, for heaven's sake, which demonstrates she's a thoughtful person.
I apologize for implying that the OP is a creep. I don't mean that at all; she's obviously asking honest advice on how to avoid just that social stigma. I'm advising. The "creepy rule" is a common guideline, common enough to have made wikipedia.
posted by ead at 9:46 PM on January 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
I apologize for implying that the OP is a creep. I don't mean that at all; she's obviously asking honest advice on how to avoid just that social stigma. I'm advising. The "creepy rule" is a common guideline, common enough to have made wikipedia.
posted by ead at 9:46 PM on January 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Speaking as a guy who was damaged by someone 10 years older than I at a similar age, I say if you like him—and if you can handle the societal backlash—I say go for it. I say I was damaged and I was, but it wasn't permanent damage, it just hurt like hell at the time. And you never know, you might still be together and happy fifty years from now.
posted by bricoleur at 9:51 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by bricoleur at 9:51 PM on January 16, 2012
I feel like socially-somewhat-weird relationships work best when they are sort of out-of-time. You're abroad! You're both working at Yellowstone! You're on a cruise ship! They have an expiration date that way, you know?
But, I mean, do you really want to have to see this man-child at Thursday-night sword-fighting practice until he goes away to college after you two sweetly but awkwardly make out in his car a few times? Meh.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:52 PM on January 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
But, I mean, do you really want to have to see this man-child at Thursday-night sword-fighting practice until he goes away to college after you two sweetly but awkwardly make out in his car a few times? Meh.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:52 PM on January 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
I mean, just to clarify: it doesn't sound like YOU'RE much of a danger to HIM. I'm worried about the danger a relationship with HIM poses to YOU and your beloved hobby (which studies say is worth as much as a 10k salary bump in your happiness!).
posted by Snarl Furillo at 10:03 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Snarl Furillo at 10:03 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
The one thing that would make this an immediate "no" would be if you worked with kids/teens in a professional or even volunteer capacity. Yeah, people are going to talk and gossip and question your judgment anyway, but that could be career destroying, given that you've known and participated with him for a couple years prior to his turning eighteen. I hope that's not the case, or you wouldn't be asking, but thought it should be thrown out there.
posted by 6550 at 10:39 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by 6550 at 10:39 PM on January 16, 2012
If you don't at least go out on a date with your young friend, you'll always regret it and wonder "what if?" So go out on a date, see how you are together outside of the usual constraints, and then decide what, if anything, you'd like to do next. You're both adults and these are your lives to live. As long as you treat one another with respect and are honest, what harm can come of it?
posted by Scram at 11:59 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by Scram at 11:59 PM on January 16, 2012
I'm not thinking "creepy" when it's just a movie or dinner or something. I doubt anyone would even notice that. You can have fun without having a romantic relationship, if that's something you're interested in.
posted by wierdo at 12:48 AM on January 17, 2012
posted by wierdo at 12:48 AM on January 17, 2012
You said a much younger man... I thought you'd be 60 and the man 18. 30's is laughably young. Go ahead and teach him a few things. He and his future lovers will thank you.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 2:01 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by CautionToTheWind at 2:01 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Wow, I guess I'm another one of the minority opinion here, but he's a legal adult and I totally do not see a problem with this. It really depends on what he's like as an individual.
But then again I see a LOT of young women in my neck of the woods going out with guys twice their age and nobody batting an eyelash, so I guess I'm used to it.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 2:04 AM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
But then again I see a LOT of young women in my neck of the woods going out with guys twice their age and nobody batting an eyelash, so I guess I'm used to it.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 2:04 AM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
"Half your age plus seven" is not an "official" rule by any means. His being a legal adult is the only rule you officially have to worry about.
posted by futureisunwritten at 3:55 AM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by futureisunwritten at 3:55 AM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
Do it but keep it on the DL since you have no clue where this could go. But the next time he initiates an outing, take him up on it. It should be something discrete until you know if this is going somewhere.
posted by doorsfan at 6:17 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by doorsfan at 6:17 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
"It really depends on what he's like as an individual. "
yes
" His being a legal adult is the only rule you officially have to worry about."
Yes but the OP clearly has a desire to do more than just follow the law.
You're not bad for being interested, youth is intoxicating and there are many benefits the young can obtain from older people. I have had a number of both male and female people even a few years younger than me come to me with the puppy dog eyes and I can't do it. I look at them and think of what I wish more adults had done in my life and see that I really wanted a kind of love that wasn't really working from sexual relationships and certainly not flings that don't involve very real love. If I knew that I was willing to commit to filling a permanent role for the younger person if it turned out that would be most beneficial, I think it can be ok-- i.e. if they need you as a permament mentor and you can have a fling with them and still be available later as an adult in their life, I have seen this be a good (but.. odd) thing.
Using someone in this state to have very raw and vulnerable sex can be very spicy and the younger person may even remember it fondly. They also might not. It depends on the person. And whether or not you can feel ok with yourself after playing that way is something to think about because what makes the interaction more arousing is the very real imbalance of power and knowledge and hightened needs and vulnerability of the younger. The fact that in a certain sense, there really is a violation of innocence. The mechanism of making it more arousing is that there is essentially a certain level of exploitation involved. Which a lot of people like-- and which often exists inherantly in many relationships.
From your own talking and thinking about this situation I think you are seeing things in him that involve ernest need for trust rather than sex-- you should acknowledge your crush to yourself "Oh he is yummy look at that youth" and then try to give more trustworthy mentor level love and attention in the group. He and you will lose out on some of those spicy experiences/memories a few commentors have mentioned here, but you will have your integrity. And hey maybe when he gets to his twenties and has some experience of his own he'll come track you down and seduce you. I've seen it happen! ;)
If your instincts are telling you he's emotionally too young for this, you should listen.
posted by xarnop at 7:01 AM on January 17, 2012
yes
" His being a legal adult is the only rule you officially have to worry about."
Yes but the OP clearly has a desire to do more than just follow the law.
You're not bad for being interested, youth is intoxicating and there are many benefits the young can obtain from older people. I have had a number of both male and female people even a few years younger than me come to me with the puppy dog eyes and I can't do it. I look at them and think of what I wish more adults had done in my life and see that I really wanted a kind of love that wasn't really working from sexual relationships and certainly not flings that don't involve very real love. If I knew that I was willing to commit to filling a permanent role for the younger person if it turned out that would be most beneficial, I think it can be ok-- i.e. if they need you as a permament mentor and you can have a fling with them and still be available later as an adult in their life, I have seen this be a good (but.. odd) thing.
Using someone in this state to have very raw and vulnerable sex can be very spicy and the younger person may even remember it fondly. They also might not. It depends on the person. And whether or not you can feel ok with yourself after playing that way is something to think about because what makes the interaction more arousing is the very real imbalance of power and knowledge and hightened needs and vulnerability of the younger. The fact that in a certain sense, there really is a violation of innocence. The mechanism of making it more arousing is that there is essentially a certain level of exploitation involved. Which a lot of people like-- and which often exists inherantly in many relationships.
From your own talking and thinking about this situation I think you are seeing things in him that involve ernest need for trust rather than sex-- you should acknowledge your crush to yourself "Oh he is yummy look at that youth" and then try to give more trustworthy mentor level love and attention in the group. He and you will lose out on some of those spicy experiences/memories a few commentors have mentioned here, but you will have your integrity. And hey maybe when he gets to his twenties and has some experience of his own he'll come track you down and seduce you. I've seen it happen! ;)
If your instincts are telling you he's emotionally too young for this, you should listen.
posted by xarnop at 7:01 AM on January 17, 2012
Just wanted to chime in that if y'all do start dating, keep it on the DL with the group.
Seriously!
I met my boyfriend (who is almost 8 years older than me) through a social activity group. However, to reduce the amount of drama when we started dating, we talked about it upfront - like, on the second date, about how we would act around the group. This is VERY important, especially if the group means a lot to you both. For the first month we treated the group like we were both individuals and not a couple (arriving seperately, no touchy-feelyness, pretending to be totally platonic). Eventually it all trickled out organically that we were dating, but this was a slow process in front of the group - which was good because it gave everyone time to warm up to the idea that we were more than friends.
Also: Talk to him/have a plan for how you will both handle the group and one another if things go south. You need to BOTH be mature about this, and the first step is laying it all out on the table.
posted by floweredfish at 7:17 AM on January 17, 2012
Seriously!
I met my boyfriend (who is almost 8 years older than me) through a social activity group. However, to reduce the amount of drama when we started dating, we talked about it upfront - like, on the second date, about how we would act around the group. This is VERY important, especially if the group means a lot to you both. For the first month we treated the group like we were both individuals and not a couple (arriving seperately, no touchy-feelyness, pretending to be totally platonic). Eventually it all trickled out organically that we were dating, but this was a slow process in front of the group - which was good because it gave everyone time to warm up to the idea that we were more than friends.
Also: Talk to him/have a plan for how you will both handle the group and one another if things go south. You need to BOTH be mature about this, and the first step is laying it all out on the table.
posted by floweredfish at 7:17 AM on January 17, 2012
A sexual relationship isn't the furthest thing from my mind, but it is pretty far off on my radar to be honest. I have zero, and I mean zero assumption that sex is even on the table.
Wow, this blows my mind even more. What could you possibly have in common with an 18 year old that's enough to sustain a relationship? I'm really not coming from a moral standpoint - he's legal and what two consenting adults do blah blah blah. But I was thinking this was a fling. Aesthetically, it's understandable - most of us are biologically wired to be attracted to youngish folks because evolutionarily they're the best shot at procreation. I can't say I've never looked twice at someone that age. But I'd never consider a relationship because the chances of it succeeding are minimal and I wouldn't want to put either of us through it. Did you really know what you wanted at 18? What happens when he goes to college, meets women his own age, etc?
And what if sex is the primary thing on his mind? I find it hard to believe it's "pretty far off" on his radar. He's a teenage boy ferchrissake. They're not really known for their sexual restraint. Maybe this kid is super duper special and mature, but the statistics are against you. Why do you want to take the risk of fucking with this guy's head?
Now that you've said you're not primarily after sex, I'll withdraw my perv comment but I'd still think there was something wrong with you if I were in your hobby group. If I were not a parent, I'd probably just quietly distance myself. If I were this kid's parents I'd be incensed, and if I were the parent of another teenage boy I'd still say something to your face.
posted by desjardins at 7:41 AM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
Wow, this blows my mind even more. What could you possibly have in common with an 18 year old that's enough to sustain a relationship? I'm really not coming from a moral standpoint - he's legal and what two consenting adults do blah blah blah. But I was thinking this was a fling. Aesthetically, it's understandable - most of us are biologically wired to be attracted to youngish folks because evolutionarily they're the best shot at procreation. I can't say I've never looked twice at someone that age. But I'd never consider a relationship because the chances of it succeeding are minimal and I wouldn't want to put either of us through it. Did you really know what you wanted at 18? What happens when he goes to college, meets women his own age, etc?
And what if sex is the primary thing on his mind? I find it hard to believe it's "pretty far off" on his radar. He's a teenage boy ferchrissake. They're not really known for their sexual restraint. Maybe this kid is super duper special and mature, but the statistics are against you. Why do you want to take the risk of fucking with this guy's head?
Now that you've said you're not primarily after sex, I'll withdraw my perv comment but I'd still think there was something wrong with you if I were in your hobby group. If I were not a parent, I'd probably just quietly distance myself. If I were this kid's parents I'd be incensed, and if I were the parent of another teenage boy I'd still say something to your face.
posted by desjardins at 7:41 AM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
OP, there's nothing wrong with you. Don't worry about that kind of bullshit - I'd just stay away because of the consequences to the group.
posted by ignignokt at 8:12 AM on January 17, 2012
posted by ignignokt at 8:12 AM on January 17, 2012
Just to be clear - I don't actually think there's something wrong with the OP, I'm putting myself in the shoes of someone in her group who hasn't heard the explanations we have. I am glad the OP is giving this a lot of thought.
posted by desjardins at 8:15 AM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 8:15 AM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]
There's no telling how such a relationship might work out--but that's true for any relationship. And, as in any relationship, being honest and decent no matter what happens will go a long way toward making it OK, however it plays out.
Anecdotally: I have two friends who have been together 32 years. They met when one of them was 14. I'm not sure of the age difference, but the older one might be as much as 20 years older. They got together when the younger one was in her late teens (over 18), and yes, the younger one had to do the pursuing and it took a long time for them to move forward because of concerns they had about the age difference. They are very happy together and a model for other people who know them of a healthy, strong relationship. I'm sure they are a rare pair, and most relationships with that kind of age difference don't work out the ways their has. But most relationships don't work out the way theirs has, period.
posted by not that girl at 8:22 AM on January 17, 2012
Anecdotally: I have two friends who have been together 32 years. They met when one of them was 14. I'm not sure of the age difference, but the older one might be as much as 20 years older. They got together when the younger one was in her late teens (over 18), and yes, the younger one had to do the pursuing and it took a long time for them to move forward because of concerns they had about the age difference. They are very happy together and a model for other people who know them of a healthy, strong relationship. I'm sure they are a rare pair, and most relationships with that kind of age difference don't work out the ways their has. But most relationships don't work out the way theirs has, period.
posted by not that girl at 8:22 AM on January 17, 2012
1st thing if you decide to go for this: check the Driver License. Use your calculator app if you need to.
2nd thing: OP, you said you have no assumptions about sex being involved here. I can't believe you seriously accept this - he's 18. For him, sex is the 99%.
Finally - men might give you one reaction (generally OK) - women will give you a totally different reaction (usually, very negative and judgmental).
Exceptions to the men: father, future boyfriend, future male campaign and PR manager.
posted by Kruger5 at 10:59 AM on January 17, 2012
2nd thing: OP, you said you have no assumptions about sex being involved here. I can't believe you seriously accept this - he's 18. For him, sex is the 99%.
Finally - men might give you one reaction (generally OK) - women will give you a totally different reaction (usually, very negative and judgmental).
Exceptions to the men: father, future boyfriend, future male campaign and PR manager.
posted by Kruger5 at 10:59 AM on January 17, 2012
>Is there any way to have let him catch me without psychologically breaking him?
He is an 18-year old male, and he's attracted to you.
There is almost no way you can psychologically break him.
Why?
Because he is an 18-year old male, and he is attracted to you.
Expect this to be short-term, fun, and something you can both look back on fondly.
posted by darth_tedious at 11:56 AM on January 17, 2012
He is an 18-year old male, and he's attracted to you.
There is almost no way you can psychologically break him.
Why?
Because he is an 18-year old male, and he is attracted to you.
Expect this to be short-term, fun, and something you can both look back on fondly.
posted by darth_tedious at 11:56 AM on January 17, 2012
Bah, whatever. I disagree with most of the opinions in the thread. I don't think there's anything wrong with you dating him JUST because you guys have a big age difference and he's 18, and I don't think it makes you a perv at all. If you were like fetishizing his age, inexperience, "innocence," or looking for someone who would be submissive to you or not question you, or you could take advantage of, that would be totally different and I think that's typically why people recoil from this situation, because that often IS why the older person is into the younger person. But it's not necessarily the case.
When I was college-aged I dated people who were older and people who were my age, and I wasn't "traumatized" by the older people per se, I was "traumatized" by the jerks. Regardless of how old they were, and there are plenty of 18 year old jerks around.
So just don't be a jerk.
But I'm afraid at this point in his life that this kind of relationship could break or otherwise irrevocably damage him for the future.
Have a relationship with him. But respect him. And only interact with him if he respects you too. Don't push things on him. Don't try to dominate him. Don't force your way in situations or try to get him to do things he doesn't want to do or make him uncomfortable. Don't try to pull rank on him. Don't try to convince him you know better or he should do what you say because you are more mature or know better. Don't be psycho or crazy. Don't manipulate him. If you start feeling like you don't or can't respect him, then end things.
Do that and you should not irrevocably damage him.
Also just want to say:
How bad would it be to let him catch me?
Do not go a step further as long as you're framing it this way because that is totally evading responsibility and putting it all on him. If you start something with him, it will be you affirmatively deciding to take actions towards making it happen. Not, the situation happening TO you or him doing something TO you or him "catching" helpless passive you.
posted by cairdeas at 1:00 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
When I was college-aged I dated people who were older and people who were my age, and I wasn't "traumatized" by the older people per se, I was "traumatized" by the jerks. Regardless of how old they were, and there are plenty of 18 year old jerks around.
So just don't be a jerk.
But I'm afraid at this point in his life that this kind of relationship could break or otherwise irrevocably damage him for the future.
Have a relationship with him. But respect him. And only interact with him if he respects you too. Don't push things on him. Don't try to dominate him. Don't force your way in situations or try to get him to do things he doesn't want to do or make him uncomfortable. Don't try to pull rank on him. Don't try to convince him you know better or he should do what you say because you are more mature or know better. Don't be psycho or crazy. Don't manipulate him. If you start feeling like you don't or can't respect him, then end things.
Do that and you should not irrevocably damage him.
Also just want to say:
How bad would it be to let him catch me?
Do not go a step further as long as you're framing it this way because that is totally evading responsibility and putting it all on him. If you start something with him, it will be you affirmatively deciding to take actions towards making it happen. Not, the situation happening TO you or him doing something TO you or him "catching" helpless passive you.
posted by cairdeas at 1:00 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Uh, voice of paranoia here but:
Whether or not you date him or not, I'd do a little email correspondence right now that documents that a: he is pursuing you and b: you had nothing, nada, zilch going on (or in the works) when he was a minor.
posted by cyndigo at 2:17 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Whether or not you date him or not, I'd do a little email correspondence right now that documents that a: he is pursuing you and b: you had nothing, nada, zilch going on (or in the works) when he was a minor.
posted by cyndigo at 2:17 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
A very close friend of mine was in a relationship, when he was 18, with a woman in her late 40s, whom I also know slightly. It ran its course after about six months and ended in a relatively friendly way. The only acrimony involved other people's gossipy bullshit and the stress it put on those two people. You can MeFi Mail me for a clearer description of what I mean.
Anecdatally, I think your reservations should be the normal reservations one has about a new relationship, plus additional reservations about whether the judgemental haters are going to cause problems, rather than additional reservations about whether there is anything fundamentally wrong with this age difference.
I'd say that, unless there is a compelling reason, not involving his age, why this would be a bad idea, you should go for it.
posted by kengraham at 4:52 PM on February 1, 2012
Anecdatally, I think your reservations should be the normal reservations one has about a new relationship, plus additional reservations about whether the judgemental haters are going to cause problems, rather than additional reservations about whether there is anything fundamentally wrong with this age difference.
I'd say that, unless there is a compelling reason, not involving his age, why this would be a bad idea, you should go for it.
posted by kengraham at 4:52 PM on February 1, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by PinkMoose at 5:12 PM on January 16, 2012 [10 favorites]