Help me be a good bridesmaid from afar.

January 10, 2012 6:37 PM

Help me be a good bridesmaid--from afar, on a low budget, with close to no vacation time, for a bride who I hadn't spoken with in two years.

A very close friend of mine, who I grew apart from in recent years (largely my own doing), recently met up with me. During our meeting, she announced her engagement and invited me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.

I accepted and feel incredibly honored that she asked me. It was a confirmation of the depth of our friendship that she could forgive me for my absence and continue to consider me as someone special enough to be in her wedding.

I want to do right by her. But there are some (major) restrictions. I'm broke, with little vacation time, and I live a 10 hour drive away.

What are some things that I could do to reach out or help with her wedding from afar? How can I try to reconnect with her a little bit over this year-long planning process? Should I try to connect with her fiance, who I've never met? Are there some sweet things I could do for her over the course of this year that wouldn't cost a lot of money?

Your ideas are welcome! This is my first time being in a wedding and it feels so complicated. I really want to be there for her, but I need to be realistic about my life situation, too.

Thanks in advance :)

posted by soundproof to Human Relations (7 answers total)

Always the best thing to do as a bridesmaid is communicate clearly, effectively and often with the bride. Tell her clearly what your limitations are and then let her know that within those restrictions you are there for whatever she needs. She's going to be under a lot of stress so just being there for whatever she needs will be the sweetest thing you can do.
posted by bleep at 6:46 PM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'd also clue in the maid of honor and mother of the bride.

Please remember that being a bridemaid doesn't obligate you to do anything besides buying the dress and showing up for the rehearsal and wedding. Everything else is optional. It really is. Your friend shouldn't want you do go broke over this.
posted by elizeh at 7:20 PM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

The maid of honor and the mom do the bulk of the prep work, so you aren't obligated to do any major advance stuff (except if the bride calls you two months before the wedding and says "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M OBSESSING OVER FLAVORS OF CAKE", then you let her vent).

A really sweet thing you could do, though, is write her a letter thanking her for asking you to be a bridesmaid. Acknowledge that you'd let the communication ball drop, and get into a little bit about why (hell, I've been broke and overworked for a couple years and let some friendships kind of suffer as a result), and tell her how much it means to you that she still loved you enough to ask you to do this and how much you love her back. I have a feeling that that letter will make her cry and will end up in a scrapbook along with the wedding photos.

then when you show up at the rehearsal dinner, the bachelorette party and the wedding and all that, just sort of be there and ready to help with any random thing - be the person who says "I'll go check!" when someone realizes they can't remember if they packed the napkins, be the person who says "want me to carry something?" when the mother of the bride is juggling eighteen bags, be the person who knows how to make the bride giggle when it's two hours before the wedding and she looks like she's totally freaking out, be the person who distracts the bride and groom if it looks like someone's getting a little drunk at the reception and the groomsmen are all going to run interference and get them out of the room. You can do a lot to help by just keeping your eyes open and being ready to leap into the fray if it looks like someone needs to do something in the heat of the moment.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:07 PM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I was in a similar situation as you. I'd let the maid of honor know you're out of town and unlikely to be able to attend events not occurring on the wedding weekend because you don't have the vacation time or extra funds. If you do want to try to go to the bachelorette party or shower, let the maid of honor know your available dates. Obviously, the bride's availability will be key but the MOH will appreciate knowing your schedule.

If you can/want to contribute any money to those events (it's not uncommon for the bridal party to split costs), offer a set amount so that she doesn't come back and say "You're share for the ___ is ___." Nip that in the bud early! It's OK if you can't contribute at all - just say that all you can afford right now is a gift for those events and the wedding related costs (travel, hotel, hair, dress, shoes, whatever...). If you want to contribute to those events from afar, offer to order a cake or send flowers or whatever is in your budget.

For the day of, just be helpful, on time, full of compliments for the bride, and pretty much everything EmpressCallipygos said.

For little things throughout the year: Can you sew? Maybe you can embroider a pretty handkerchief for her to wipe her eyes with on the big day - put a quote on it that you know she likes form a song/book/movie/whatever you guys used to both like. Make an ornament for their first Christmas together. Make a mix cd of songs you already have that somehow make you think of her (maybe of her.. or maybe songs you think would be fun to listen to while getting ready before the ceremony, etc.) and write liner notes explaining why each song is on there. Maybe make a "day of" survival kit with grocery store type items: Tums, band aids, clear nail polish, mouthwash, etc. (Let the MOH know you want to collect those items - she may have plans to do that, too.)

One thing one of my bridesmaids did was set up a double date for her and my husband (drinks/bowling) and me and the best man (drinks, comedy show) and then we all met for a late dinner. I thought it was fun.
posted by adorap0621 at 8:48 PM on January 10, 2012

Depending on the bride, you may still be able to do quite a bit electronically? We had a wiki- quite a few friends have done similar- that contained guest info for us and more recent weddings that I've attended have had an info page for guests. I also did a lot of research online, at least initially, for the hen's night, flowers, photographer. Of course, these decisions should rest with the bride and groom but the initial groundwork could've been done by someone else. Also, we did our own programs and the setting up if those (as in template) was done by a friend on their computer. So, I think, ask, and as others have said, be clear about what you can offer. Finally- skype call to see how she's going/listen to her vent could be particularly nice from someone who is a bit outside it all, as you sound to be.
posted by jojobobo at 10:41 PM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Another vote for being upfront about your budget and availability with everyone, particularly as regards the MOH and the events for the wedding party. I once had a MOH tell the rest of us bridesmaids that the venue for the pre-wedding party "we" were throwing for the bride and groom was free, only to get an email from her one week before the party (after all the invitations had gone out!) telling us our share was $100 each for the venue, plus the food/drinks/and decorations that were suddenly our responsibility.

Do you know the MOH? If you do, that'll be a huge help. If not, I'd try to get a feel for her now. Is she the kind of MOH who expects all the "maids" to go along with a huge Vegas weekend bachelorette party? My experience was that the bride was very reasonable about expectations, but the MOH, um, wasn't. So that's something I'd try to be aware of.
posted by pie ninja at 3:40 AM on January 11, 2012

I was in a very similar situation... I was in vet school and asked to stand in the wedding of my best friend from high school. Being broke and 800 miles away limited my abilities.

What worked for me: I addressed all her wedding invitations. She sent the invites, addresses and postage to me in one big box, and I assembled them, addressed each envelope and put the postage on the envelopes so all she had to do was double check and drop them in the mail.

Have fun!
posted by Nickel Pickle at 12:29 PM on January 11, 2012 [1 favorite]