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April 26, 2012 4:04 PM

What is an appropriate amount to spend on a wedding gift for myself and my guest, if I am a bridesmaid?

I am in a wedding next weekend. I would like to know what is a socially acceptable amount of money to give as a gift. I have never been to a wedding before, so I am nervous about this.

Do the expenses incurred as part of being a bridesmaid impact the gift at all? I am the same age of the bride and I don't make a ton of money. I've bought a dress, the shoes, paid for my share of the bridal shower, as well as my share of the bachelorette party. Is this a mitigating factor at all when giving a wedding gift? The total for all of that together is probably around $300.

We are not especially close friends and I was a little surprised when she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. We were very close in middle school but have drifted farther and farther apart ever since. My guest (boyfriend of 3 years) has never met her. I had never met any of the other bridesmaids and have no contact with them.

I would rather have personal opinions than "if she's your friend ANY amount will be fine!". What is a good amount to give that does not look cheap but is not too much?

Secondary: is giving cash tacky? I'll of course be writing a nice card but just figured I'd put the bills inside. Is there a better method? She has a registry but the wedding is very soon (yikes) and it looks as though its pretty picked over except for the very expensive stuff.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Where is the wedding? Region plays a big role here. I've been astonished, as a born and raised Midwesterner, to find out what people normally spend on wedding gifts in the Northeast US, for example. In Missouri, cash is not particularly common and a $50 gift would be on the high end of normal - perfectly adequate whether you were in the bridal party or not.

If you're uncomfortable with cash, you could always do a gift certificate to a nice restaurant in their town.
posted by something something at 4:08 PM on April 26, 2012

I truly believe "any amount will be fine", but if you want a dollar amount, I'll give you one: $50. I suppose cash is OK but I personally feel better writing a check at a wedding, since I've heard stories of stuff getting stolen from gift tables at weddings. Just make sure you know what name to make the check out to!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:08 PM on April 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

$100 sounds right to me if you're giving cash. Maybe down to $50 if you're getting an item. I don't think being a bridesmaid changes it.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:11 PM on April 26, 2012

We got a ton of cards with $50, and have given that amount (or collaborated with others on a more expensive gift.)
posted by schyler523 at 4:16 PM on April 26, 2012

About the cost of dinner at the reception, times two. Seventy dollars would be average, and I would do a gift card from the store she is registered, if the gifts are that much picked over.
posted by francesca too at 4:18 PM on April 26, 2012

You don't have to give them something off of their registry, and you don't have to give them something the day of the wedding. My ex & I got some totally unexpected wedding gifts (Redskins game tickets, concert tickets 6 months later) that I still remember 2 decades later w/a smile, while the registry gifts/givers are a blur.

I do believe if you are giving cash then you should give what you are comfortable giving, without regard for what might be perceived as tacky or cheap. Another option is to give a gift card for the store where the expensive stuff is. They're sure to get several of those, and they'll combine them to get the pricey things.

Have fun at the wedding!
posted by headnsouth at 4:24 PM on April 26, 2012 [2 favorites]

Just on the off chance that the bride or groom is Jewish, some number divisible by 18 is good luck.

Also, I do think that as a bridesmaid your gift is the time and paying for a shower and a party and an ugly dress, and that it is unnecessary to also get an expensive gift.
posted by jeather at 4:39 PM on April 26, 2012

Cash gifts are increasingly common even in cultures (like Anglo/British families) where it isn't traditional, and I've never met anyone under the age of 50 who thinks that it is tacky - or many people over 50, for that matter. For safety's sake, cash gifts really should be a cheque (as noted above).

Giving money does mean that the cost of your gift is immediately apparent. If one wished to economize on a wedding gift, it's easier to do with a physical gift: a $20 hand-carved marble box from Ten thousand villages, for example, can easily be as beautiful as many $100 gifts, and no one needs to ever know that it only cost $20.

As for amounts: when we married 7 years ago, my SO and I received cash gifts varying between $50 and $100 CND, depending on the personal circumstances of the guest. We received only one gift from couples (so a couple would give $50 together, not $50 each). That said, most of our cash gifts were from older and well-established relatives. Many of the guests who were our age clubbed together on a collection of DVDs (contributing about $15 each).

That said, we didn't ask our (small) bridal party to pay for anything (no new dresses, no shower, we paid for the rental for the one groomsman), so I think that does change things. It seems extremely unreasonable to expect someone to spend $300 on your wedding, and THEN give you a gift on top of that. Your help with the wedding (and the shower, and everything else) is your gift to the bride.
posted by jb at 4:41 PM on April 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is the bridal party chipping in on a gift? I'd ask them first, just in case. If not, I'd probably give something off the registry or a gift card to the store where registered, but then, I'm from a culture that would never give cash.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:49 PM on April 26, 2012

I was in a wedding a few years back for a cousin that I really have absolutely no relationship with -- she had to get in touch with my mom just to get my phone number. Anyway, after dresses/shoes/shower gift (maybe $250-$300 total for that, plus a few hundred for the plane ticket back since I lived 1000 miles away, and I didn't take a guest to the reception) I gave her a check for $100. That's my standard amount, but I'm frugal and can afford it. I think $50 is fine if you can't swing $100. A gift card to a place the couple is registered would also work. I know the couple usually gets a discount on purchasing registry items that no one bought, so your money would actually buy more in that case.
posted by jabes at 5:08 PM on April 26, 2012

I (26, not especially well-paying job) just attended my second wedding ever, and opinionated folk have recently told me what francesca said, about a gift costing approximately the cost of reception x2, if you're buying for you and guest. (I am in the northeast US and it was suggested to me that this would be about $150.)

I am not married and am not hosting a wedding anytime soon to my knowledge. If I were, I think I would be happier to get a gift that showed some thought from someone I felt was a good enough friend to be a bridesmaid, rather than a check, even if the check were for more money. I think this thought-that-counts feeling might be true even if you don't feel that close with the bride herself--she probably feels you are good friends if she asked you to be a bridesmaid. Though of course you know better than I do what this particular bride is like.
posted by mlle valentine at 7:24 PM on April 26, 2012

I have met many people who would think cash is tacky, fwiw, and especially from the bridesmaid, for me, since even if you don't feel especially close she obviously feels reasonably so. Cash is very impersonal. As you can see from the responses, people's feelings on this vary but it is not unusual, in my experience, to prefer a gift.

I think bridesmaid expenses can be taken into consideration and my feeling would be that a token but thoughtful gift (30-50$) would be appropriate.

Of course, that may not be her feelings, but anecdata, etc.
posted by jojobobo at 12:38 AM on April 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

If the bride and groom don't have a lot of money, I'd say $30 to 50 would be very appreciated, as they could put it toward their expenses. I don't think money is tacky, especially when the bride and groom could use it--wedding gifts are often extremely pragmatic.

But if you feel cash is a bit impersonal, you could also state it is a contribution to something specific.

Here are some ideas:

"For your first movie night as a married couple"

Depending on shared interests they have: "To start your music / book / cookbook collection together"

If they have a big family, "to cover the costs of printing photos and sending them to all your cousins, aunts and uncles"

Can't afford a honeymoon, or can't take one right away: "For a day trip somewhere fun"

&c
posted by chapps at 1:34 AM on April 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

In my experience, this varies pretty dramatically based on socio-economic/sub-culture factors. For all the weddings I've been to on "my side" (i.e. my white, upper-middle class childhood friends and family), giving cash was not the norm. At my wedding to my ex-husband in the same socioeconomic world, the only cash we got was from older, wealthy relatives that gave significantly more than any items on our registry - like 10 times more). No friends or younger relatives gave us cash. I have never given a friend or relative cash for their wedding.

On the other hand, my current SO grew up in a white, working class, lower-middle income neighborhood and it is completely expected to give cash - to the point where he said it would be weird not to. He has never given a registry gift for a wedding. At his cousin's recent wedding (he was the best man), we gave them $300, I think. SO is not lower-middle income anymore, but even people he grew up with, his parents, other friends their age (they are late 20s) give in the $100-$300 range, which surprised me very much.
posted by Pax at 7:04 AM on April 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would give $100. I think you could give $50, though, if that makes a big difference for you.
posted by robinpME at 10:10 AM on April 27, 2012

I was a bridesmaid and as a gift I painted my friends' bathroom a year later for their anniversary. All it cost me was a weekend, a gallon of paint and some sand paper. They loved it since they aren't handy people.

You could try doing some housework if you are handy.
posted by jmd97 at 7:08 PM on April 30, 2012