Something Queer in the Library
September 16, 2011 2:27 PM Subscribe
Guidance on being a queer lady?
I have told many of my friends I am bisexual now, and though I am moving towards a queer identity, I have found some roadblocks on the way.
I have spent a lot of time in the queer community as the 'straight ally' tagalong, but still do not feel as though I am 'of it' if that makes sense.
Since embracing my bisexuality, I've spent a good amount of time as a wall flower at dyke bars with friends. I have gone on a few online dates with women with no true chemistry with anyone. I develop schoolgirl crushes on ladies but fluster like an awkward teenager when it comes time to try and make anything happen. Lately, I just defer to sleeping with boys because it's easy and comfortable. I would also note that I am not particularly monogamous and wonder if this is part of the problem.
What books, websites, media, or other resources would you recommend for a lady who is exploring and trying to understand their sexuality? Any anecdotal advice is also appreciated.
I have told many of my friends I am bisexual now, and though I am moving towards a queer identity, I have found some roadblocks on the way.
I have spent a lot of time in the queer community as the 'straight ally' tagalong, but still do not feel as though I am 'of it' if that makes sense.
Since embracing my bisexuality, I've spent a good amount of time as a wall flower at dyke bars with friends. I have gone on a few online dates with women with no true chemistry with anyone. I develop schoolgirl crushes on ladies but fluster like an awkward teenager when it comes time to try and make anything happen. Lately, I just defer to sleeping with boys because it's easy and comfortable. I would also note that I am not particularly monogamous and wonder if this is part of the problem.
What books, websites, media, or other resources would you recommend for a lady who is exploring and trying to understand their sexuality? Any anecdotal advice is also appreciated.
Before I start dishing out the advice, go here and read these: The Hairpin's Ask A Queer Chick. The articles are great, but stick around for the comments too. As an under-30 queer chick with almost 15 years of queer dating experience, I fully endorse this column. I think there were some letters from people in similar situations to you, so hopefully there'll be something you find helpful.
So now here's some anecdotes. Despite me being SO LESBIONIC for so long and you being newly-bisexual, you have many of the same problems I do with dating (though I'm gaymarried now, so not as much these days):
-I have gone on online dates with women with no true chemistry with anyone. OMG SO MANY DATES. SO LITTLE CHEMISTRY.
-I develop schoolgirl crushes on ladies but fluster like an awkward teenager when it comes time to try and make anything happen. CHECK. Like, every crush ever. This is what drinking/ is for!
-I just sleep with boys because it's easy and comfortable. Erm, yeah, especially after too much whiskey. Just remember, they're people too... don't semi-date them just because it's easy action, when you are trying to even out the ladies:dudes ratio. This is something bisexual girls seem to often write into advice columns about. You may (if you're hanging out with lesbians, let's face it, probably will) get some crap about being bisexual. Don't put up with it, because that is just total BS. And maybe find less judgmental people to hang out with?
-I would also note that I am not particularly monogamous and wonder if this is part of the problem. There are lots of queer non-monogamous ladies/dykes/whatever-you're-into out there! PLENTY. Go find those ones. Sometimes they congregate in insular groups because the monogamous queers can be disapproving. But luckily, once they know about you, they will be very interested. Because the problem is in any group of queers, eventually everyone compatible has already hooked up. So when new people come into the scene, everyone knows about it and wants to get to know YOU.
-I have spent a lot of time in the queer community... but still do not feel as though I am 'of it' if that makes sense. I think it's very common for queers to have this idea of the queer community... somehow, everyone always locates themselves outside of it, or on the margins. And the person usually points to some other people, says "those people are the community, but I don't feel included in that." Even if the person has been the Director of a queer nonprofit for 5 years or something. So, on one hand, you are already in the queer community. Maybe you just haven't found the right set of friends. On the other hand, you may never feel like you're REALLY in it... because there isn't actually a membership card, and someone will always seem more "in it" than you.
Good news though...
It sounds like you have queer friends already! This is great! Maybe they are not your polyamorous pansexual dream dates, but they are the first step to getting more queer dates. (Maybe find some poly queer friends?)
So ask your friends to match-make for you. Keep going out to queer bars. Volunteer for something queer-related (very effective!!). If you meet someone queer that you're not attracted to, but who's into stuff that you're into, hang out with them and meet their friends. Practice, practice, practice being confident and flirty. Host queer dinner parties. Rinse, repeat. Before too long you, too, will have slept with (or had drama with) everyone remotely attractive to you within a 50mi radius. Erm... welcome to queer dating!
posted by 100kb at 4:36 PM on September 16, 2011 [6 favorites]
So now here's some anecdotes. Despite me being SO LESBIONIC for so long and you being newly-bisexual, you have many of the same problems I do with dating (though I'm gaymarried now, so not as much these days):
-I have gone on online dates with women with no true chemistry with anyone. OMG SO MANY DATES. SO LITTLE CHEMISTRY.
-I develop schoolgirl crushes on ladies but fluster like an awkward teenager when it comes time to try and make anything happen. CHECK. Like, every crush ever. This is what drinking/ is for!
-I just sleep with boys because it's easy and comfortable. Erm, yeah, especially after too much whiskey. Just remember, they're people too... don't semi-date them just because it's easy action, when you are trying to even out the ladies:dudes ratio. This is something bisexual girls seem to often write into advice columns about. You may (if you're hanging out with lesbians, let's face it, probably will) get some crap about being bisexual. Don't put up with it, because that is just total BS. And maybe find less judgmental people to hang out with?
-I would also note that I am not particularly monogamous and wonder if this is part of the problem. There are lots of queer non-monogamous ladies/dykes/whatever-you're-into out there! PLENTY. Go find those ones. Sometimes they congregate in insular groups because the monogamous queers can be disapproving. But luckily, once they know about you, they will be very interested. Because the problem is in any group of queers, eventually everyone compatible has already hooked up. So when new people come into the scene, everyone knows about it and wants to get to know YOU.
-I have spent a lot of time in the queer community... but still do not feel as though I am 'of it' if that makes sense. I think it's very common for queers to have this idea of the queer community... somehow, everyone always locates themselves outside of it, or on the margins. And the person usually points to some other people, says "those people are the community, but I don't feel included in that." Even if the person has been the Director of a queer nonprofit for 5 years or something. So, on one hand, you are already in the queer community. Maybe you just haven't found the right set of friends. On the other hand, you may never feel like you're REALLY in it... because there isn't actually a membership card, and someone will always seem more "in it" than you.
Good news though...
It sounds like you have queer friends already! This is great! Maybe they are not your polyamorous pansexual dream dates, but they are the first step to getting more queer dates. (Maybe find some poly queer friends?)
So ask your friends to match-make for you. Keep going out to queer bars. Volunteer for something queer-related (very effective!!). If you meet someone queer that you're not attracted to, but who's into stuff that you're into, hang out with them and meet their friends. Practice, practice, practice being confident and flirty. Host queer dinner parties. Rinse, repeat. Before too long you, too, will have slept with (or had drama with) everyone remotely attractive to you within a 50mi radius. Erm... welcome to queer dating!
posted by 100kb at 4:36 PM on September 16, 2011 [6 favorites]
I develop schoolgirl crushes on ladies but fluster like an awkward teenager when it comes time to try and make anything happen.
Welcome to dating anyone. It usually IS super awkward, and goofy, and it's dark and you accidentally stick your tongue up their nose because you missed ... okay, maybe that was just me. Point is, keep at it! It's weird, and awkward, and the only way you're going to get better at it is by trying.
posted by Heretical at 5:15 PM on September 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
Welcome to dating anyone. It usually IS super awkward, and goofy, and it's dark and you accidentally stick your tongue up their nose because you missed ... okay, maybe that was just me. Point is, keep at it! It's weird, and awkward, and the only way you're going to get better at it is by trying.
posted by Heretical at 5:15 PM on September 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
Here's a link to an Australian queer magazine: http://dirtyqueermag.com/
It's pretty out there, but you might find it interesting.
Another link: http://barbaracarrellas.com/
This woman runs workshops and publishes interesting stuff about sex/sexuality that have a pretty queer bent.
good luck!
posted by lazy robot at 7:22 PM on September 16, 2011
It's pretty out there, but you might find it interesting.
Another link: http://barbaracarrellas.com/
This woman runs workshops and publishes interesting stuff about sex/sexuality that have a pretty queer bent.
good luck!
posted by lazy robot at 7:22 PM on September 16, 2011
If it's any consolation, I felt very outside-looking-in with regards to the queer community for a long time as a bisexual. I found this greatly improved once I stopped trying to sleep my way into it, if that makes sense. I was so focused on trying to gain queer credibility by dating people of the same sex that I couldn't see the awesome political and social movements the queer community was doing.
It also sounds like you're anxiously overthinking this. I also kept having sex with men because it was "easier" as I knew the established expectations and could just avoid communicating my needs (unfortunately this also meant I went largely unsatisfied). Stop being a wall flower - go dance! Dates will be awkward, that's what dates are; the queer community is a little "immature" in many respects because people are learning what it means to date the same gender the same way many people learn to date the opposite gender in high school. I know a ton of non-monogamous queer-identified ladies, so I wouldn't be concerned about that.
My advice? Stop thinking/reading/planning and go out and meet people in a non-date setting! Queer identity can be so much more than who you're sleeping with!
Unfortunately what to do now greatly depends on your demographic. If you're in university/college, it's really easy as you can find campus groups based on queer issues. If you're a political person, you can probably find some kind of city queer group based on that. If not, you can probably find a social group. If you have a queer-friendly sex store, they may have awesome workshops which will lead to you meeting awesome people.
Feel free to memail me if you have any other questions. I'm not female-identified (anymore) but I'm pretty involved in my local queer community and can talk you through the initial anxiety/confusion if you want. :)
posted by buteo at 8:01 PM on September 16, 2011
It also sounds like you're anxiously overthinking this. I also kept having sex with men because it was "easier" as I knew the established expectations and could just avoid communicating my needs (unfortunately this also meant I went largely unsatisfied). Stop being a wall flower - go dance! Dates will be awkward, that's what dates are; the queer community is a little "immature" in many respects because people are learning what it means to date the same gender the same way many people learn to date the opposite gender in high school. I know a ton of non-monogamous queer-identified ladies, so I wouldn't be concerned about that.
My advice? Stop thinking/reading/planning and go out and meet people in a non-date setting! Queer identity can be so much more than who you're sleeping with!
Unfortunately what to do now greatly depends on your demographic. If you're in university/college, it's really easy as you can find campus groups based on queer issues. If you're a political person, you can probably find some kind of city queer group based on that. If not, you can probably find a social group. If you have a queer-friendly sex store, they may have awesome workshops which will lead to you meeting awesome people.
Feel free to memail me if you have any other questions. I'm not female-identified (anymore) but I'm pretty involved in my local queer community and can talk you through the initial anxiety/confusion if you want. :)
posted by buteo at 8:01 PM on September 16, 2011
Hey, I've been a queer chick since before I used to sneak into gay bars as an underaged dykeling in the early 1980s. I've *always* ended up as a wallflower in the bars. So, you're following a long line of queer/bi wallflower women in a tradition stretching back for decades. Here here! Welcome!
posted by rmd1023 at 9:49 PM on September 16, 2011
posted by rmd1023 at 9:49 PM on September 16, 2011
Dear John, I love Jane is a great collection of personal stories by women who've moved across the straight-bi-gay spectrum (and sometimes back again). There are no answers but lots of the experiences described echo some of you thoughts above.
posted by freya_lamb at 2:28 AM on September 17, 2011
posted by freya_lamb at 2:28 AM on September 17, 2011
Gah! you = your.
posted by freya_lamb at 2:29 AM on September 17, 2011
posted by freya_lamb at 2:29 AM on September 17, 2011
You sounds like me five years ago. Minus the sleeping with boys part - I had decided that I wanted ladies only (I'm more flexible now).
Anyways, deciding I was queer and wanted to be with women led to a painful second adolescence, replete with all of the awkward and mortifying things that go along with being a teenager with deep crushes. People often ask me to write down the stories I tell them about that time because some of them are so hilariously mortifying.
Anyways, I felt like I would never have a girlfriend and that I was doomed to unrequited crushes for the rest of my life. Then, you know, some time passed, and now I've had several crushes, and feel totally confident and comfortable around lesbians (more so than anyone else). So your time will come - just don't avoid it too much. Sleep with boys because you want to, but not to give you feelings of "I'm not an awkward mess". Face the awkward and it too shall pass.
posted by whalebreath at 5:10 AM on September 17, 2011
Anyways, deciding I was queer and wanted to be with women led to a painful second adolescence, replete with all of the awkward and mortifying things that go along with being a teenager with deep crushes. People often ask me to write down the stories I tell them about that time because some of them are so hilariously mortifying.
Anyways, I felt like I would never have a girlfriend and that I was doomed to unrequited crushes for the rest of my life. Then, you know, some time passed, and now I've had several crushes, and feel totally confident and comfortable around lesbians (more so than anyone else). So your time will come - just don't avoid it too much. Sleep with boys because you want to, but not to give you feelings of "I'm not an awkward mess". Face the awkward and it too shall pass.
posted by whalebreath at 5:10 AM on September 17, 2011
argh. and now I've had several girlfriends (long, happy, healthy relationships)
posted by whalebreath at 5:12 AM on September 17, 2011
posted by whalebreath at 5:12 AM on September 17, 2011
oh, yeah, and if you're kinky, definitely come on over to the 'people from metafilter on fetlife' group if you have a fetlife account if you want to chat there.
posted by rmd1023 at 1:08 PM on September 17, 2011
posted by rmd1023 at 1:08 PM on September 17, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, plenty of super-gay women have awkward chemistry-free dateless periods in their life. I wouldn't ascribe this to a "roadblock in queerness" as much as the same old goddamn-dating-is-difficult-sometimes issues that everyone faces.
The first thing I wanted to recommend to you when I was thinking about "ambiguous queer identity" was The Girl From H.O.P.P.E.R.S. which, aside from being awesome to read, is a story including a lot of different types of sexualities. If I come up with any other recommendations I'll return to the thread :)
posted by hungrytiger at 3:09 PM on September 16, 2011 [5 favorites]