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July 21, 2011 4:09 PM Subscribe
So my friend and I kissed. Now what?
Back story: I'm female and 31. Dave is male and 39. I've known Dave for many years. We were friends in Previous City, fell out of contact for a while, and then both moved to Current City within a year of each other. We've seen each other in passing, at various parties and get togethers, but we've been merely friendly and nothing more.
I have had a bit of a crush on him for years, but no more than a crush. I never put much thought into it because, well, he’s a friend. Even if I had thought about it, I probably wouldn't have pursued anything for fear of blowing up the friend-group or having awkward moments in the future.
Fast forward to Sunday. I got a bunch of old friends together for a Previous City Reunion Brunch and invited him. There was definitely a tension there that hadn’t existed before. A lot of eye contact and excuses to touch my arm.
That night, post-brunch, I realized I’d left my sunglasses at the restaurant, which is in his neighborhood. I drove out after work on Monday to get them, which is somewhat of a distance, and decided to just eat dinner while I’m out there. Halfway through my food, I thought, “What the hell. Maybe he’s around; I’ll shoot him a text.”
Sure enough, he came out and we had a great time. No overt professions of liking each other, but enough flirting to think, “Well, I’m pretty sure this is a Thing.” At the end of the night, he called me a cab, as we’d been drinking wine. When the cab pulled up, we shared a lingering hug, kissed each other on the neck-cheek, and then SURPRISE kiss.
So it’s a Thing. I think. I have to admit, I’m confused. Was it a tipsy, wine-induced thing? Or… what? These are things I would need to ask him. I know. You can’t answer these.
We shared a couple jokey texts the next day, and that was it. Now it’s only Thursday and I don’t need/expect to hear anything from him for a while. I can imagine he’s just as confused as I am, and has some reservations, but I would like to see him again.
The questions:
1. I am still concerned about dating a friend, with the awkwardness and the blowing up of the friend-group. Any anecdotes or advice, for or against?
2. I was the hang-out-initiator both times, even if the first was a group hang and the second one was last minute. But I should definitely wait for him to initiate, right? If the answer is actually that I should initiate again, how long?
3. Regardless of if we hang out in a romantic regard again, and who initiates, should I bring up the kiss? Or let it just naturally go one way or the other?
Anonymous because I feel like a silly teenager asking this. Dating isn't rocket science, but sometimes the perspective of others is nice.
Back story: I'm female and 31. Dave is male and 39. I've known Dave for many years. We were friends in Previous City, fell out of contact for a while, and then both moved to Current City within a year of each other. We've seen each other in passing, at various parties and get togethers, but we've been merely friendly and nothing more.
I have had a bit of a crush on him for years, but no more than a crush. I never put much thought into it because, well, he’s a friend. Even if I had thought about it, I probably wouldn't have pursued anything for fear of blowing up the friend-group or having awkward moments in the future.
Fast forward to Sunday. I got a bunch of old friends together for a Previous City Reunion Brunch and invited him. There was definitely a tension there that hadn’t existed before. A lot of eye contact and excuses to touch my arm.
That night, post-brunch, I realized I’d left my sunglasses at the restaurant, which is in his neighborhood. I drove out after work on Monday to get them, which is somewhat of a distance, and decided to just eat dinner while I’m out there. Halfway through my food, I thought, “What the hell. Maybe he’s around; I’ll shoot him a text.”
Sure enough, he came out and we had a great time. No overt professions of liking each other, but enough flirting to think, “Well, I’m pretty sure this is a Thing.” At the end of the night, he called me a cab, as we’d been drinking wine. When the cab pulled up, we shared a lingering hug, kissed each other on the neck-cheek, and then SURPRISE kiss.
So it’s a Thing. I think. I have to admit, I’m confused. Was it a tipsy, wine-induced thing? Or… what? These are things I would need to ask him. I know. You can’t answer these.
We shared a couple jokey texts the next day, and that was it. Now it’s only Thursday and I don’t need/expect to hear anything from him for a while. I can imagine he’s just as confused as I am, and has some reservations, but I would like to see him again.
The questions:
1. I am still concerned about dating a friend, with the awkwardness and the blowing up of the friend-group. Any anecdotes or advice, for or against?
2. I was the hang-out-initiator both times, even if the first was a group hang and the second one was last minute. But I should definitely wait for him to initiate, right? If the answer is actually that I should initiate again, how long?
3. Regardless of if we hang out in a romantic regard again, and who initiates, should I bring up the kiss? Or let it just naturally go one way or the other?
Anonymous because I feel like a silly teenager asking this. Dating isn't rocket science, but sometimes the perspective of others is nice.
You text him, and he drops everything and rushes over to spend time with you. You have a great time together. At the end of the date, he moves the ball into your court by kissing you.
Girl, if you want a Thing, you've got a Thing.
posted by paulsc at 4:23 PM on July 21, 2011 [26 favorites]
Girl, if you want a Thing, you've got a Thing.
posted by paulsc at 4:23 PM on July 21, 2011 [26 favorites]
I had a similar Thing with my best friend and we've been married now for almost 10 years. Just go ahead and do this Thing! If you want to see him, call him. If you want to talk about it, ok, but if you just want to smooch again that's also ok.
posted by goggie at 4:32 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by goggie at 4:32 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
You are over-thinking it. Go and have fun with him. You are old enough that this is permitted without drama. If there is drama to be had with your group of friends over a couple of people hanging out and kissing/dating/fwb then maybe you should look into a new group of friends, I'd expect that from 17 years olds, not 30 year olds.
posted by TheBones at 4:34 PM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by TheBones at 4:34 PM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
Your completely over thinking it. If you want to keep things moving forward, take charge and make it happen, otherwise life will pass you by.
posted by Mr. Papagiorgio at 4:39 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Mr. Papagiorgio at 4:39 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm lucky in that my girlfriend is also my very best friend, ever. If you can start from friend and go the other way I say don't miss the chance. Friends make amends if things don't quite work out. Sounds like you're onto a winner anyway.
No. It's not rocket science
posted by 0bvious at 4:45 PM on July 21, 2011
No. It's not rocket science
posted by 0bvious at 4:45 PM on July 21, 2011
Echoing everyone else. Go for it, and don't overthink it. (Like goggie, I ended up marrying my best friend, so I'm a fan of relationships that start this way.) As noted, your friends should be adult enough to be able to maintain friendships with each of you should things not work out. Those friendships may remain in a group context, or it might be that sometimes you get invited and sometimes he gets invited.
Even if a break up ends poorly, it can all get resolved over time assuming all parties are mature. (So that seems to be the key in deciding whether to move forward.) Before my husband, I dated another guy in one of my friend circles. I still feel a little awkward seeing him, but our mutual friends invite us to the same events and we interact pleasantly enough. The awkwardness is more something that I feel (and maybe him, too), but not something that affects the group.
posted by Terriniski at 4:56 PM on July 21, 2011
Even if a break up ends poorly, it can all get resolved over time assuming all parties are mature. (So that seems to be the key in deciding whether to move forward.) Before my husband, I dated another guy in one of my friend circles. I still feel a little awkward seeing him, but our mutual friends invite us to the same events and we interact pleasantly enough. The awkwardness is more something that I feel (and maybe him, too), but not something that affects the group.
posted by Terriniski at 4:56 PM on July 21, 2011
You've just described how all my best relationships have begun. Call him up. Either the kissing will happen and good things will follow, or kissing won't happen, there will be some mild awkwardness, and it's back to platonic-town.
posted by freshwater at 5:17 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by freshwater at 5:17 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
Probably the most awkward scenario is the one where you don't pursue it and you both try to go back to life pre-kiss.
posted by mannequito at 5:23 PM on July 21, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by mannequito at 5:23 PM on July 21, 2011 [5 favorites]
Let me give you an alternative opinion/ ancedata on this:
Once upon a time, I had a really good guy friend who was part of my larger friend group. We hung out together, had meals together - basically, we were really good friends. Then one day, I realized that he was really, really hot. And then I started to have a crush on him. I suppressed it, for a lot of reasons, because I didn't think he liked me that way, and because he wasn't mature enough to handle a relationship with me. Anyway, I decided not to act on this feeling I had. I will honestly swear to you that I treated him just like I would with any guy friend.
One night we (a large group of us) went out to a nightclub. We danced rather closely, and then we kissed, then one thing led to another and I ended up at his place. I really enjoyed spending that night with him, but the next morning, it got weird quickly - like he was trying to get close to me and distance himself from me at the same time. Not only that, but I had to leave for work in a foreign country for three weeks. When I got back three weeks later, he was dating another girl. But during that three weeks, we exchanged really weird emails. He was quite ambiguous about what he was thinking, and we went around in circles.
I never really forgave him for stringing me along for those three weeks. I know that it wasn't intentional; he was just trying to figure his feelings out, but damage was done. And it's so much worse in a friend group because it split our friend group apart.
I really wish that night didn't happen, and I wish I could forget about it (because it's all so silly, right?) but I can't. So now I don't speak to him and I wish I could.
Anyway my point is that there is so much more at stake with friend groups than with acquaintances. So be careful with your heart.
posted by moiraine at 5:55 PM on July 21, 2011
Once upon a time, I had a really good guy friend who was part of my larger friend group. We hung out together, had meals together - basically, we were really good friends. Then one day, I realized that he was really, really hot. And then I started to have a crush on him. I suppressed it, for a lot of reasons, because I didn't think he liked me that way, and because he wasn't mature enough to handle a relationship with me. Anyway, I decided not to act on this feeling I had. I will honestly swear to you that I treated him just like I would with any guy friend.
One night we (a large group of us) went out to a nightclub. We danced rather closely, and then we kissed, then one thing led to another and I ended up at his place. I really enjoyed spending that night with him, but the next morning, it got weird quickly - like he was trying to get close to me and distance himself from me at the same time. Not only that, but I had to leave for work in a foreign country for three weeks. When I got back three weeks later, he was dating another girl. But during that three weeks, we exchanged really weird emails. He was quite ambiguous about what he was thinking, and we went around in circles.
I never really forgave him for stringing me along for those three weeks. I know that it wasn't intentional; he was just trying to figure his feelings out, but damage was done. And it's so much worse in a friend group because it split our friend group apart.
I really wish that night didn't happen, and I wish I could forget about it (because it's all so silly, right?) but I can't. So now I don't speak to him and I wish I could.
Anyway my point is that there is so much more at stake with friend groups than with acquaintances. So be careful with your heart.
posted by moiraine at 5:55 PM on July 21, 2011
Also, I forgot to say that while I had a crush on him, prior to Incident, he also was flirting with me, saying things that could mean that he was romantically interested in me...
posted by moiraine at 5:57 PM on July 21, 2011
posted by moiraine at 5:57 PM on July 21, 2011
It sounds like you two like each other a lot.
Your friend-group will be okay. They will be silly and ooooooooooooooh! occasionally, but if they're not horrible people, they'll cope with any questions or potential imagined projected prospective weirdness in their usual manner. The friend-group-explosion phenomenon is a much bigger problem if, say, Dave were dumping his fiance for you or similar drama.
Oh sweet jesus stay away from The Rules-y rules. Do what you want. He's probably wondering if it's a dick move to ask you out on a Friday because ZOMG maybe it implies that HE thinks that YOU might think that HE thinks that you don't already have plans for a Friday night. (Cute as kittens, you two.)
Practically speaking, feel free to shoot him a text whenever. If you want to suggest a thing to do together this weekend, that's cool. (Shared-interest movie or concert or happening?) And I think it's also fine to say (flirtatiously as you like) "hey, when are you gonna ask me out, dude, I'm pretty sure I'll say yes."
The kiss? Don't talk, just do.
posted by desuetude at 9:09 PM on July 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Your friend-group will be okay. They will be silly and ooooooooooooooh! occasionally, but if they're not horrible people, they'll cope with any questions or potential imagined projected prospective weirdness in their usual manner. The friend-group-explosion phenomenon is a much bigger problem if, say, Dave were dumping his fiance for you or similar drama.
Oh sweet jesus stay away from The Rules-y rules. Do what you want. He's probably wondering if it's a dick move to ask you out on a Friday because ZOMG maybe it implies that HE thinks that YOU might think that HE thinks that you don't already have plans for a Friday night. (Cute as kittens, you two.)
Practically speaking, feel free to shoot him a text whenever. If you want to suggest a thing to do together this weekend, that's cool. (Shared-interest movie or concert or happening?) And I think it's also fine to say (flirtatiously as you like) "hey, when are you gonna ask me out, dude, I'm pretty sure I'll say yes."
The kiss? Don't talk, just do.
posted by desuetude at 9:09 PM on July 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
I can't imagine a relationship beginning in a way other than this. Proceed.
posted by millipede at 9:42 PM on July 21, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by millipede at 9:42 PM on July 21, 2011 [5 favorites]
I think paulsc is pretty much right on: he's throwing heavy signals.
I would like to see him again
That's all you really need to tell him.
I am still concerned about dating a friend, with the awkwardness and the blowing up of the friend-group. Any anecdotes or advice, for or against?
I dated my friend, and then we got married! Friend-group functioned fine throughout.
So my friend and I kissed. Now what?
Kiss some more. See what happens.
posted by nanojath at 10:24 PM on July 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would like to see him again
That's all you really need to tell him.
I am still concerned about dating a friend, with the awkwardness and the blowing up of the friend-group. Any anecdotes or advice, for or against?
I dated my friend, and then we got married! Friend-group functioned fine throughout.
So my friend and I kissed. Now what?
Kiss some more. See what happens.
posted by nanojath at 10:24 PM on July 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
...I'm such a downer.
I don't agree that things are past the point of no return for awkwardness yet. Theoretically, it should be pretty easy to ignore the kiss, pass it off as drunkenness or just "forget to remember" it forever, and go on being friends. It sounds like you're already sort of on that path with the jokey, laughing-it-off comments.
Also you're not being honest with yourself about being like "why not text him?" all casual-like. It's pretty clear you've built this up, fantasized about it, and at some deeper gut level really, really wanted him there.
Wait for him to make a move. Yeah, the rules are evil and all, but you've already been making all the moves. At some point in any relationship, things have to even out a bit.
posted by Nixy at 8:12 AM on July 22, 2011 [5 favorites]
I don't agree that things are past the point of no return for awkwardness yet. Theoretically, it should be pretty easy to ignore the kiss, pass it off as drunkenness or just "forget to remember" it forever, and go on being friends. It sounds like you're already sort of on that path with the jokey, laughing-it-off comments.
Also you're not being honest with yourself about being like "why not text him?" all casual-like. It's pretty clear you've built this up, fantasized about it, and at some deeper gut level really, really wanted him there.
Wait for him to make a move. Yeah, the rules are evil and all, but you've already been making all the moves. At some point in any relationship, things have to even out a bit.
posted by Nixy at 8:12 AM on July 22, 2011 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:22 PM on July 21, 2011 [45 favorites]