We're not having sex, I get that, thank you!
May 28, 2011 2:22 AM Subscribe
My closest friend keeps telling me that we're not going to have a physical relationship. How should I handle this? Possibly NSFW.
The characters:
Me. I'm male and gay.
Closest Friend. I'll call her Janet, female and straight.
Janet and I have been friends for about 10 years. The entire time, she's known I'm gay. She's 100% OK with it, and has done things like try to set me up with guys. We talk about our sex lives a fair bit, though it's mostly on her side, as she has way more sex than I do. We can be quite explicit about what is done and who with, so she knows I like dick. So, she gets that I'm not into women. We even have a code word for when there is an attractive guy around.
However, since Christmas '10, she's mentioned seven or eight times that we're not going to have sex. And I can't work out why. Nothing happened at Christmas - I didn't get drunk and try to kiss her, there was no confession of undying lust - and neither has anything happened since. As far as I can tell, our relationship hasn't changed. I compliment her on her clothes sometimes when she looks nice, and once she asked me if her breasts looked nice as she had a new bra. I replied that they looked perky, but didn't ogle her or anything (I was more interested in where she got the bra from than what was inside it). That's about as close to seeing her in a sexual way that I've ever got.
It's not the fact that we're not going to have sex that bothers me. I like Janet, but not like that. It's the fact that she's telling me this repeatedly. I don't feel rejected, just confused as to why she's constantly reinforcing it. I could understand if I'd made suggestions that way, and she said no at the time (or even later). But I'm being told again and again, and I can't see that I've done anything to make her think that I'd want to.
I generally have difficulty with social cues. I might well be doing something that is making her think that I want to have sex with her, but I'm at a loss as to guess what that could be. Every time she mentions it, I joke that we'd never manage it anyway as we'd both just end up giggling too much (which is true).
So, my questions are: a] should I bring this up with her and ask her why she keeps harping on about it? b] If I do, how do I make it not-awkward? c] could I be doing something to make her think that I want to have sex with her when I don't? and d] if I were giving her the impression somehow, how could I tell what it was that I was doing without making things awkward?
The characters:
Me. I'm male and gay.
Closest Friend. I'll call her Janet, female and straight.
Janet and I have been friends for about 10 years. The entire time, she's known I'm gay. She's 100% OK with it, and has done things like try to set me up with guys. We talk about our sex lives a fair bit, though it's mostly on her side, as she has way more sex than I do. We can be quite explicit about what is done and who with, so she knows I like dick. So, she gets that I'm not into women. We even have a code word for when there is an attractive guy around.
However, since Christmas '10, she's mentioned seven or eight times that we're not going to have sex. And I can't work out why. Nothing happened at Christmas - I didn't get drunk and try to kiss her, there was no confession of undying lust - and neither has anything happened since. As far as I can tell, our relationship hasn't changed. I compliment her on her clothes sometimes when she looks nice, and once she asked me if her breasts looked nice as she had a new bra. I replied that they looked perky, but didn't ogle her or anything (I was more interested in where she got the bra from than what was inside it). That's about as close to seeing her in a sexual way that I've ever got.
It's not the fact that we're not going to have sex that bothers me. I like Janet, but not like that. It's the fact that she's telling me this repeatedly. I don't feel rejected, just confused as to why she's constantly reinforcing it. I could understand if I'd made suggestions that way, and she said no at the time (or even later). But I'm being told again and again, and I can't see that I've done anything to make her think that I'd want to.
I generally have difficulty with social cues. I might well be doing something that is making her think that I want to have sex with her, but I'm at a loss as to guess what that could be. Every time she mentions it, I joke that we'd never manage it anyway as we'd both just end up giggling too much (which is true).
So, my questions are: a] should I bring this up with her and ask her why she keeps harping on about it? b] If I do, how do I make it not-awkward? c] could I be doing something to make her think that I want to have sex with her when I don't? and d] if I were giving her the impression somehow, how could I tell what it was that I was doing without making things awkward?
Dude, she wants to have sex with you. Which is why she keeps bringing it up. Lots of close female friends of gays ("fag hags") have a desire to sleep with their gay friend.
posted by orthogonality at 3:04 AM on May 28, 2011 [56 favorites]
posted by orthogonality at 3:04 AM on May 28, 2011 [56 favorites]
I think you will have to ask her if you really want to know.
But IMO, the first thing I thought of was that she has developed a crush on you since Christmas.
posted by mleigh at 3:04 AM on May 28, 2011 [16 favorites]
But IMO, the first thing I thought of was that she has developed a crush on you since Christmas.
posted by mleigh at 3:04 AM on May 28, 2011 [16 favorites]
With the 'mention-itis' tick she's got going here, I wonder why she isn't asking herself some questions about why she has to keep saying this to you. She wants you to re-clarify that you are off limits for her recently acquired fixation.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:08 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by honey-barbara at 3:08 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, she's not your type, but maybe you're her type.......
posted by anaelith at 3:11 AM on May 28, 2011
posted by anaelith at 3:11 AM on May 28, 2011
Oh, and:
could I be doing something to make her think that I want to have sex with her when I don't? and d] if I were giving her the impression somehow, how could I tell what it was that I was doing without making things awkward?
You're a man hanging around with her, giving her attention, communicating, laughing, sharing etc - this is highly lovely for gals and after all, she likes men. You don't have to be giving sexual cues - all the other things you are 'giving' her as part of your friendship are quite attractive. Again, I suspect, she's naming some boundaries for herself.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:14 AM on May 28, 2011 [4 favorites]
could I be doing something to make her think that I want to have sex with her when I don't? and d] if I were giving her the impression somehow, how could I tell what it was that I was doing without making things awkward?
You're a man hanging around with her, giving her attention, communicating, laughing, sharing etc - this is highly lovely for gals and after all, she likes men. You don't have to be giving sexual cues - all the other things you are 'giving' her as part of your friendship are quite attractive. Again, I suspect, she's naming some boundaries for herself.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:14 AM on May 28, 2011 [4 favorites]
And to make my answer properly useful (sorry): Since she has an active sex/dating life, just wait it out. She'll start crushing on someone else eventually if you keep on not having sex with her.
posted by anaelith at 3:15 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by anaelith at 3:15 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
You two sound kind of jokey and goofy... could it be some kind of punchline to a joke you don't remember that's being triggered by something – a phrase or situation?
Like one time my husband and I accidentally stole some patio chairs from a restaurant (we didn't know they were from a restaurant; they were stacked by a dumpster, and had some minor flaws in the canvas backs, or similar small problems). One of us said something like "I can't believe the perfectly good things that people throw away," and we proceeded to scoop up two of the chairs, repair them, and put them on our balcony. A couple of weeks later we were walking by the same spot and saw, again, a bunch of chairs piled up by the dumpster... but this time, on the other side of the sidewalk there was a door open to a small space where the cafe stored and repaired their chairs. oopsie!
So now our joke is that whenever we see something nice anywhere outside, one of us usually says "I can't believe that someone is throwing away this perfectly good X!" The joke is that we are going to steal it, but pretend like we're just assuming it's being thrown away. But we don't actually steal anything... it's just a silly joke. And one that would make absolutely no sense unless you knew what triggered it.
So maybe she's referring to something of that nature, so you might say something like, "I've been so stressed out lately," and she says, "you know we're never having sex, right?" referring to some (unremembered by you) funny story or scene about relieving stress with sex. Just as an example.
At any rate, she's your best friend! Ask her what the hell she's talking about! If you can give each other blow-by-blow descriptions of your sex lives, you can surely clear up a wee confusion like this. :)
posted by taz at 4:02 AM on May 28, 2011 [11 favorites]
Like one time my husband and I accidentally stole some patio chairs from a restaurant (we didn't know they were from a restaurant; they were stacked by a dumpster, and had some minor flaws in the canvas backs, or similar small problems). One of us said something like "I can't believe the perfectly good things that people throw away," and we proceeded to scoop up two of the chairs, repair them, and put them on our balcony. A couple of weeks later we were walking by the same spot and saw, again, a bunch of chairs piled up by the dumpster... but this time, on the other side of the sidewalk there was a door open to a small space where the cafe stored and repaired their chairs. oopsie!
So now our joke is that whenever we see something nice anywhere outside, one of us usually says "I can't believe that someone is throwing away this perfectly good X!" The joke is that we are going to steal it, but pretend like we're just assuming it's being thrown away. But we don't actually steal anything... it's just a silly joke. And one that would make absolutely no sense unless you knew what triggered it.
So maybe she's referring to something of that nature, so you might say something like, "I've been so stressed out lately," and she says, "you know we're never having sex, right?" referring to some (unremembered by you) funny story or scene about relieving stress with sex. Just as an example.
At any rate, she's your best friend! Ask her what the hell she's talking about! If you can give each other blow-by-blow descriptions of your sex lives, you can surely clear up a wee confusion like this. :)
posted by taz at 4:02 AM on May 28, 2011 [11 favorites]
My guess: she wants to initiate a physical relationship with you but doesn't want rejected. Her awkward comments (we are SO TOTALLY NEVER gonna do it, right?!??!) are a backwards hope that you'll counter with a "well, we are good friends, and it wouldn't be weird..."
I also bet she'll move on soon.
posted by amicamentis at 4:21 AM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
I also bet she'll move on soon.
posted by amicamentis at 4:21 AM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
It's also possible she wants someone to want to have sex with her. So a. wanting sex which most people do, and b. wanting to be desired.
How is her love life in general? Sounds like you guys are at least late 20's and not settled down yet. Not that people should or anything, but it's gonna be on a lot of women's mind around that time.
posted by Not Supplied at 4:35 AM on May 28, 2011
How is her love life in general? Sounds like you guys are at least late 20's and not settled down yet. Not that people should or anything, but it's gonna be on a lot of women's mind around that time.
posted by Not Supplied at 4:35 AM on May 28, 2011
Every time she does this, also bring up something you two are not going to do. The more unlikely and surreal, the better.
Her: We're not going to have sex.
You: Indeed. We're not going to be astronauts on Mars, either.
Her: You know, I don't think we will ever sleep together.
You: Also, we will never break into an art museum and paint all of the statues lime green.
Her: Fucking is just not in the picture for us.
You: Other things not in frame include juggling organ-grinder monkeys, robbing kindergarteners for gold bullion, and becoming Samurai Warriors for Satan.
Her reactions may give you clues as to why the heck she is saying that.
posted by adipocere at 4:55 AM on May 28, 2011 [33 favorites]
Her: We're not going to have sex.
You: Indeed. We're not going to be astronauts on Mars, either.
Her: You know, I don't think we will ever sleep together.
You: Also, we will never break into an art museum and paint all of the statues lime green.
Her: Fucking is just not in the picture for us.
You: Other things not in frame include juggling organ-grinder monkeys, robbing kindergarteners for gold bullion, and becoming Samurai Warriors for Satan.
Her reactions may give you clues as to why the heck she is saying that.
posted by adipocere at 4:55 AM on May 28, 2011 [33 favorites]
How old is she? If she's in her thirties she may be thinking she wants a baby sometime soon. If that's the case, and she hasn't found anyone to do that with, she may be looking at you -her awesome best friend- as potential daddy material. Holidays have a way of reminding people of the passage of time.
posted by mareli at 5:14 AM on May 28, 2011
posted by mareli at 5:14 AM on May 28, 2011
Lots of close female friends of gays ("fag hags") have a desire to sleep with their gay friend.
Yeah, but lot don't, too. The majority of my guy friends are gay, and I honestly can't even imagine sleeping with them. I think the very reason why we're friends is because I love men and they love women and we can interact without the tricksy and problematic aura of attraction.
That said, I could see a number of explanations:
1) She wants to do you.
2) She wants to do someone, and is making commentary on how she's not.
3) She really wants a boyfriend, and just realized that her closest guy friend is never, EVER going to want to be with her *that way,* which is making her say things out sadness/frustration/etcetera, though these don't constitute an implicit indication that she likes-likes you.
4) At some point, something happened to confuse her about your interests*
5) She is making a not-very-good joke
6) She wants to reaffirm the fact that you don't like-like her, because some things have been said or done that would make her really uncomfortable if they had been uttered by a straight man
Honestly, if this is something you really want explained, then I think this is something you want to ask her.
* A friend of mine is gay, and we have said some things to each other that would be considered come-ons or whatever if he were straight. I never thought twice about it. Until one day, he had me meet the girl he was dating. Because, as it turns out, he is a teensy bit bi, and though it doesn't happen often and he certainly won't be settling down with a girl, he does sometimes sleep with and/or date them. That discovery sort of threw me into a loop for a while and made me doubt the nature what he had said to me before, but eventually things settled back to normal because, though he might occasionally be attracted to women, it seems obvious he is not attracted to me.
posted by vivid postcard at 6:38 AM on May 28, 2011 [8 favorites]
Yeah, but lot don't, too. The majority of my guy friends are gay, and I honestly can't even imagine sleeping with them. I think the very reason why we're friends is because I love men and they love women and we can interact without the tricksy and problematic aura of attraction.
That said, I could see a number of explanations:
1) She wants to do you.
2) She wants to do someone, and is making commentary on how she's not.
3) She really wants a boyfriend, and just realized that her closest guy friend is never, EVER going to want to be with her *that way,* which is making her say things out sadness/frustration/etcetera, though these don't constitute an implicit indication that she likes-likes you.
4) At some point, something happened to confuse her about your interests*
5) She is making a not-very-good joke
6) She wants to reaffirm the fact that you don't like-like her, because some things have been said or done that would make her really uncomfortable if they had been uttered by a straight man
Honestly, if this is something you really want explained, then I think this is something you want to ask her.
* A friend of mine is gay, and we have said some things to each other that would be considered come-ons or whatever if he were straight. I never thought twice about it. Until one day, he had me meet the girl he was dating. Because, as it turns out, he is a teensy bit bi, and though it doesn't happen often and he certainly won't be settling down with a girl, he does sometimes sleep with and/or date them. That discovery sort of threw me into a loop for a while and made me doubt the nature what he had said to me before, but eventually things settled back to normal because, though he might occasionally be attracted to women, it seems obvious he is not attracted to me.
posted by vivid postcard at 6:38 AM on May 28, 2011 [8 favorites]
If you don't want it to be a Big Deal Conversation - and I can see why you wouldn't - I'd simply laugh it off with something like "Right. Unless you have a dick and have been holding out on me all this time!"
I think she's saying it for her own benefit and not for yours.
posted by jph at 7:31 AM on May 28, 2011
I think she's saying it for her own benefit and not for yours.
posted by jph at 7:31 AM on May 28, 2011
As others have mentioned, it's possible she's crushing on you. My suggestion would be to either respond with something completely absurd (fun ideas above from adipocere) or something reinforcing that you're gay. Don't do the "That would be so weird!" thing. If she is crushing on you, it still leaves room for possibility and she might continue to entertain ideas in her head. Many a romantic comedy has been based on the idea of two unlikely people ending up together. Put that idea to rest and let her move on (in terms of romantic interests).
posted by Terriniski at 7:36 AM on May 28, 2011
posted by Terriniski at 7:36 AM on May 28, 2011
You should ask her what's up with that. Don't speculate too much.
posted by entropone at 7:49 AM on May 28, 2011
posted by entropone at 7:49 AM on May 28, 2011
Does she say it after you say any particular kind of thing? It could be a jokey way of saying that you would make a perfect boyfriend, or that you are saying things that sitcom men would say if they were trying to sleep with sitcom women:
You: "Man, I saw the cutest kids today. I can't wait to settle down with a white picket fence, get a nice puppy, and start a family."
Her: "You know I'm never going to sleep with you, right?"
You: "I love sailboats! I want to find a partner who will go sailing with me in a romantic sailboat for two. We'll island-hop our way around the Caribbean, stopping only for picnics and swimming on beautiful white sand beaches..."
Her: "You know I'm never going to sleep with you, right?"
You: "How could that dress make you look fat?? Your body looks great no matter what you wear."
Her: "You know I'm never going to sleep with you, right?"
posted by salvia at 8:19 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
You: "Man, I saw the cutest kids today. I can't wait to settle down with a white picket fence, get a nice puppy, and start a family."
Her: "You know I'm never going to sleep with you, right?"
You: "I love sailboats! I want to find a partner who will go sailing with me in a romantic sailboat for two. We'll island-hop our way around the Caribbean, stopping only for picnics and swimming on beautiful white sand beaches..."
Her: "You know I'm never going to sleep with you, right?"
You: "How could that dress make you look fat?? Your body looks great no matter what you wear."
Her: "You know I'm never going to sleep with you, right?"
posted by salvia at 8:19 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
She's frustrated that she's attracted to you so she's bringing it up to either remind herself to stop thinking that way, or to prompt you to potentially disagree with her.
posted by Kololo at 8:30 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Kololo at 8:30 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: To answer some questions:
She's in her mid twenties, I'm in my late twenties. She separated from her husband of several years about 18 months ago, and hasn't had a boyfriend since then. She's done a fair bit of fooling around with co-workers and had an ongoing FWB thing with another guy.
She said sometime last week it had been a few weeks since she last had sex, to which I replied "hon, try a few years...". We both laughed, then she made the no sex comment. I replied "no, not unless you have a strap on". Other occasions don't seem to have followed any direct reference to sex, rather they come up when she's moaning about her lack of action. She knows what I look for in a guy, and she knows that she can't provide me with it.
Regarding her having a crush on me, I'm undecided. I'm really not her type - she goes for attractive, younger, sporty men, and I'm none of those things - but I do seem to be "the only guy in her life right now". I hope she isn't, because I don't want to hurt her. But then I guess I've already done that by letting her know I will never be available.
I'm not aware of any in-jokes. That's not to say that there aren't any.
How can I subtly bring this up with her? If she is crushing on me, I don't want to make things any more awkward for her than they already are, and if she isn't, I don't want to look like that much of a fool, thankyouverymuch.
posted by Solomon at 8:47 AM on May 28, 2011
She's in her mid twenties, I'm in my late twenties. She separated from her husband of several years about 18 months ago, and hasn't had a boyfriend since then. She's done a fair bit of fooling around with co-workers and had an ongoing FWB thing with another guy.
She said sometime last week it had been a few weeks since she last had sex, to which I replied "hon, try a few years...". We both laughed, then she made the no sex comment. I replied "no, not unless you have a strap on". Other occasions don't seem to have followed any direct reference to sex, rather they come up when she's moaning about her lack of action. She knows what I look for in a guy, and she knows that she can't provide me with it.
Regarding her having a crush on me, I'm undecided. I'm really not her type - she goes for attractive, younger, sporty men, and I'm none of those things - but I do seem to be "the only guy in her life right now". I hope she isn't, because I don't want to hurt her. But then I guess I've already done that by letting her know I will never be available.
I'm not aware of any in-jokes. That's not to say that there aren't any.
How can I subtly bring this up with her? If she is crushing on me, I don't want to make things any more awkward for her than they already are, and if she isn't, I don't want to look like that much of a fool, thankyouverymuch.
posted by Solomon at 8:47 AM on May 28, 2011
Best answer: How can I subtly bring this up with her?
Umm ... just wondering. I've noticed you've been saying that kind of a lot. I'm worried I said something that got misinterpreted and made you uncomfortable? If that's the case I seriously want to reassure you that I'm only into guys.
posted by Ashley801 at 9:56 AM on May 28, 2011 [4 favorites]
Umm ... just wondering. I've noticed you've been saying that kind of a lot. I'm worried I said something that got misinterpreted and made you uncomfortable? If that's the case I seriously want to reassure you that I'm only into guys.
posted by Ashley801 at 9:56 AM on May 28, 2011 [4 favorites]
Without reading the other responses because I don't want to prejudice my thoughts on the matter, I see two or three possibilities:
1. This is a joke. For whatever reason, she finds it funny to say that, and you don't.
2. She is thinking you want to bone her.
3. Something else is going on in her life and she's just being weird.
If it's (1), you can safely ignore. If it's (2), next time she does it, just casually ask her something like, "You don't actually think I want to get physical with you, do you? I like boys exclusively."
posted by J. Wilson at 9:58 AM on May 28, 2011
1. This is a joke. For whatever reason, she finds it funny to say that, and you don't.
2. She is thinking you want to bone her.
3. Something else is going on in her life and she's just being weird.
If it's (1), you can safely ignore. If it's (2), next time she does it, just casually ask her something like, "You don't actually think I want to get physical with you, do you? I like boys exclusively."
posted by J. Wilson at 9:58 AM on May 28, 2011
Well, she might not have a secret crush on you....
I say stuff like that to my close gay male and girl friends because I'm really comfortable around them. I KNOW that it will be considered a joke and won't be misinterpreted (except, in your case, it has).
If you don't want to make a big deal out of it, treat it like a joke, because it is.
posted by moiraine at 9:58 AM on May 28, 2011
I say stuff like that to my close gay male and girl friends because I'm really comfortable around them. I KNOW that it will be considered a joke and won't be misinterpreted (except, in your case, it has).
If you don't want to make a big deal out of it, treat it like a joke, because it is.
posted by moiraine at 9:58 AM on May 28, 2011
If you do want to discuss this with her, for the love of god, don't try to bring it up subtly. You absolutely do not want this conversation to be a big deal. The way to ensure that is to be direct and act like it's not a big deal. On the other hand, if you tiptoe around the subject, that will make it a big deal.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:03 AM on May 28, 2011
posted by J. Wilson at 10:03 AM on May 28, 2011
"...not unless you have a strap-on..."
I don't have a strong opinion about this situation, but this particular phrase jumped out at me. It's pretty ambiguous, not at all a clear declaration of "Obviously not because I'm gay." Lots of straight women fuck their straight male sexual partners with strap-ons. I can see how if I made what I thought was a joke along the "lol no sex for us" lines to a gay friend, and he responded with that line, I would be thrown off. I'd feel like, "Wait, are you seriously saying that's an option? Since when? What?!?" You might as well have said, "Haha no, unless you want to give me a blowjob!" -- it's a perfectly plausible act for a male-female sexual interaction, and thus doesn't really seem to fit with the idea that you're supposedly talking about something completely implausible. It might get interpreted as you "jokingly" proposing something that you might actually secretly want and actually secretly hope she might want too.
But then, presumably this is just what you said one time, which doesn't explain why this has become a repeated behavior unless this was your response the first time she said it.
posted by ootandaboot at 10:41 AM on May 28, 2011 [5 favorites]
I don't have a strong opinion about this situation, but this particular phrase jumped out at me. It's pretty ambiguous, not at all a clear declaration of "Obviously not because I'm gay." Lots of straight women fuck their straight male sexual partners with strap-ons. I can see how if I made what I thought was a joke along the "lol no sex for us" lines to a gay friend, and he responded with that line, I would be thrown off. I'd feel like, "Wait, are you seriously saying that's an option? Since when? What?!?" You might as well have said, "Haha no, unless you want to give me a blowjob!" -- it's a perfectly plausible act for a male-female sexual interaction, and thus doesn't really seem to fit with the idea that you're supposedly talking about something completely implausible. It might get interpreted as you "jokingly" proposing something that you might actually secretly want and actually secretly hope she might want too.
But then, presumably this is just what you said one time, which doesn't explain why this has become a repeated behavior unless this was your response the first time she said it.
posted by ootandaboot at 10:41 AM on May 28, 2011 [5 favorites]
There was an interesting thing posted here on mefi recently about why we use weird nuanced ways of communicating instead of blurting things out. e.g.., 'want to come and see my etchings', instead of 'want to have sex'. Because if the answer to the first is no, both parties can plausibly pretend that there was not an outright rejection -- maybe the other party was just too dumb to take the hint. But in the second case, once blurted out it is "out there" and can never be taken back; one person rejected the other, and you both know it, and you both know that you both know it. It will always hang over you.
Thus I'd say don't bring it up. Stick with getting distant and uncomfortable whenever it comes up, and she will eventually get the hint.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:40 AM on May 28, 2011
Thus I'd say don't bring it up. Stick with getting distant and uncomfortable whenever it comes up, and she will eventually get the hint.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:40 AM on May 28, 2011
I'm tempted to go with "she's developed a crush on you since Christmas" and/or she's just lacking in male attention and is unconsciously latching on to the one guy who pays attention to her and treats her well.
The best course of action, in my opinion, is to stop joking back and just address it head on. Don't use being gay as the reason why it would never happen as some people tend to read through that as "I can be their straight exception!". The point is that there's no chance with HER as you are not interested in HER and can she please cut it out cause it's making you uncomfortable.
posted by buteo at 12:53 PM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
The best course of action, in my opinion, is to stop joking back and just address it head on. Don't use being gay as the reason why it would never happen as some people tend to read through that as "I can be their straight exception!". The point is that there's no chance with HER as you are not interested in HER and can she please cut it out cause it's making you uncomfortable.
posted by buteo at 12:53 PM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
After my last bad breakup, my ability to control outbursts or weird comments like the one your friend is making dropped dramatically. My breakup was so stressful and traumatic that all the rational filters that I usually used to gauge appropriate vs inappropriate conversation fodder were going haywire. I would ask your friend if she's been feeling depressed lately. It might be that she's only just beginning to process her breakup and that her current lifestyle (sleeping with whomever) is not actually one she is emotionally or psychologically suited for. Let her know that you care for her and that her comments have been making you uncomfortable and you want to help if you can.
posted by patronuscharms at 6:28 PM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by patronuscharms at 6:28 PM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't understand why you need to be all subtle. Just give her the quizzical look and ask why she keeps saying that.
posted by desuetude at 6:33 PM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by desuetude at 6:33 PM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
I want to second the 'strap-on = weird' comment (since you'd asked what you might have said). It's very... actually (YMMV), if I was your friend-who's-not-attracted-to-you-but-made-a-silly-comment, I'd be the one made uncomfortable! Suddenly a totally asexual relationship I trusted to remain so 100% was (even jokingly) made plausibly (disturbingly) potentially sexual. I mean... if I didn't know you and your sense of humor reeeeeally well, I'd say this could definitely be a come-on. I could wonder if you're gay but willing if not for the logistical difficulties of sex with a woman, or something, like the supposed need to top.
So... an option not really explored except in your initial post: she's mentioning it because *she's* uncomfortable and wants to be directly (not subtly) reassured. If you've been frank about sex already, it shouldn't be a big deal, just don't make a joke. Jokes can *always* be taken the wrong way. There's no such thing as a fool-proof joke, and subtleness is also not immune to misunderstanding by definition.
I totally don't think all or most fag-hags are secretly into sleeping with guys who don't want them. Most girls want to be wanted, rather than wanting to throw themselves at guys who'd rather eat noodles than see them naked. So... part of the whole appeal is the absolute lack of attraction and impossibility of sex. Suddenly introducing even a joking level of 'hey, well if you grew a fake dick...' just makes it weird and awkward, like some sort of Will & Grace situation where maybe the girl starts thinking, 'so... is it like an inconvenience, where the sexual orientation is a problem like erectile dysfunction but the rest is ok?'
...Just a possibility. But I'd say straightforward easily wins over subtle at this point.
posted by reenka at 1:29 AM on May 29, 2011
So... an option not really explored except in your initial post: she's mentioning it because *she's* uncomfortable and wants to be directly (not subtly) reassured. If you've been frank about sex already, it shouldn't be a big deal, just don't make a joke. Jokes can *always* be taken the wrong way. There's no such thing as a fool-proof joke, and subtleness is also not immune to misunderstanding by definition.
I totally don't think all or most fag-hags are secretly into sleeping with guys who don't want them. Most girls want to be wanted, rather than wanting to throw themselves at guys who'd rather eat noodles than see them naked. So... part of the whole appeal is the absolute lack of attraction and impossibility of sex. Suddenly introducing even a joking level of 'hey, well if you grew a fake dick...' just makes it weird and awkward, like some sort of Will & Grace situation where maybe the girl starts thinking, 'so... is it like an inconvenience, where the sexual orientation is a problem like erectile dysfunction but the rest is ok?'
...Just a possibility. But I'd say straightforward easily wins over subtle at this point.
posted by reenka at 1:29 AM on May 29, 2011
Response by poster: Not sure if anyone is following this, but I figured I'd follow up. We had a chat a couple of days after I posted this, and I explained that I would never be having sex with any woman ever, no way no how. She has been quite depressed recently, so maybe that has something to do with it. I don't know. Anyway, since that conversation, she's not mentioned that we're not doing it, so problem solved, I hope.
Regarding the comment about the strap-on, I made that comment only a few weeks before asking this question. In perhaps a spectacular display of faulty logic, I figured that saying "the only way this will ever happen is if you do something you find very uncomfortable" would stop her from saying it. She was visibly appalled at the concept of a strap-on when I mentioned it once, a few years ago. I don't recall the exact comment I made, but it was something to do with a TV show I saw, not anything to do with her using one or being involved with one in any way. It was just something unusual I saw on TV and I brought it up. She reacted with obvious distaste to the concept, so I figured using that as an example would make her think that she would have to do something she found distasteful. Looking back, it was a poorly thought out idea and I can see why she might have been confused by it.
I'm no wiser now as to whether or not she has a crush on me, but I guess it doesn't make any difference either way. And at least now she knows that I'm really not interested.
Thank you everyone for your help.
posted by Solomon at 12:25 PM on June 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
Regarding the comment about the strap-on, I made that comment only a few weeks before asking this question. In perhaps a spectacular display of faulty logic, I figured that saying "the only way this will ever happen is if you do something you find very uncomfortable" would stop her from saying it. She was visibly appalled at the concept of a strap-on when I mentioned it once, a few years ago. I don't recall the exact comment I made, but it was something to do with a TV show I saw, not anything to do with her using one or being involved with one in any way. It was just something unusual I saw on TV and I brought it up. She reacted with obvious distaste to the concept, so I figured using that as an example would make her think that she would have to do something she found distasteful. Looking back, it was a poorly thought out idea and I can see why she might have been confused by it.
I'm no wiser now as to whether or not she has a crush on me, but I guess it doesn't make any difference either way. And at least now she knows that I'm really not interested.
Thank you everyone for your help.
posted by Solomon at 12:25 PM on June 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think after 10 years of friendship this conversation shouldn't be awkward, and if it is, I think it's her fault for bringing it up.
Her: Hey, we're not going to have sex.
You: Haha um you know I'm gay right?
Her: It's a joke, silly! It's funny because you're gay!*
*This is the only thing I could think to put here.
posted by bleep at 2:46 AM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]