Should I go to a party even though I've been downgraded to "friend zone"?
posted by LemonGardot to Human Relations (37 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Hi MeFi, I need your wisdom once again. Brevity is not one of my strength, but here goes:
Background: me: SWF/28yo, him: SWM/27yo
I met "Nick" three years ago through a friend. We immediately were attracted to each other, went on a few dates, and hung out about 8 times. NOTHING ever happened between us save for the drunk makeout session we shared the night we met. Otherwise, hugs were as physical as we got. He's a pretty shy dude, and introverted. I am typically the opposite but tend to turn into a more quiet, reserved, innocent girl-next-door type when I'm around him (which I like). Anyway, I was kind of confused by the lack of physical moving forward, but relegated our relationship to "friends", which I was ok with at the end because he was a really cool dude and fun to hang out with.
Since this was the case, I ended up dating other people, and eventually got into a two-year relationship (which just ended April 2012) with a different dude. During my relationship, two things happened: 1. I moved to Boston, 500 miles away from my home, where I'd met Nick, and 2. I didn't talk to Nick throughout my 2-year relationship with the other dude, just because our paths never crossed, save for the occasional email and Xmas card. But again, we were JUST friends, and that was ok with me. My initial attraction feelings had dissipated into happy friendly platonic-ness.
Fast forward to now: I came back home from Boston for the summer before I start grad school in the fall. I'd sent Nick a quick email saying we should grab a drink. Excited as always to hear from me, he agreed, but we ended up going to a 14-inning baseball game and then dinner...and three days after that we went on a 5 hour hike and then he made me dinner. After dinner we got to talking and he finally revealed that he's liked me since we met three years ago and constantly talked about me to friends and family. He said he was "really disappointed that nothing had ever happened between us" and would have like to date me "for a long time". Even though he had these feelings for me, he also had mentioned that he'd been in three relationships in the past two years while I'd been in my own 2-year relationship, but he still thought of me and wished we had been more than friends. I confronted him about why he had never told me this before and he said that he thought I'd put him in friend zone from the beginning. I told him I thought he'd done the same thing to me, and then we both cursed destiny, timing, and misunderstandings. He also mentioned that I "intimidate him" (I don't know if that's necessary to the story or not). Time check, this was three week ago, at then end of June 2012.
Flattered and elated by all that news, I realized that the initial feelings I'd had towards him in the beginning when we met were still there. I was still super attracted to him, and really wanted to take a next step. Anyway, we did a lot of makeout that night. Just makeout, but it was pretty awesome. I was really psyched about everything.
A week later, we hung out again for the whole day. That night, we ended up having sex which we both agreed was a result of three years of built-up attraction and tension between us (though some residual Catholic guilt built up on my part...and even though we've known each other for three years...it felt like we were moving a bit too fast). But, the sex was awesome, and kissing him was awesome, and it was just really cool that timing was really working for me this time. He said he'd miss me when I left, and I was pretty sure that this whole idyllic summer romance was in the bag.
I had to get back to Boston at the end of June for a wedding and wasn't sure when I'd end up back where Nick was but immediately noted in my head that I wanted it to be soon. Trying to play it cool, though, I didn't give him an exact date, but just said I'd let him know when I was back in town. He had invited me a party and I'd been bummed that I didn't think I could go because I'd be back in Boston. ANyway, fast forward....that party is THIS SATURDAY...so...it will be about two weeks since we had sex. During these past two weeks, I went back to Boston for the wedding, and then took a quick out-of-the-country trip. I returned to "home"/Nick without telling him I was back home, and was SUPER psyched that I could go to the party. I mean, this guy was great! We had awesome chemistry, it was great to finally be a bit more intimate with this dude I'd had SUCH a crush on, and overall he's just great to be around, so I was so excited to be able to go to this party and spend more time with him in a more social situation with his friends, etc.
I get back from out of country and text him that I'm actually home and can come to his party. After some aloof back and forth texting from him, I get this text: "I have to tell you, though, that we have to go back to friend zone. Real friend zone. I feel weird saying that." Confused, I called him for answers.
The day we had sex, we'd had a really great conversation about what we'd both been up to the past two years, and I told him that I had been in a relationship, and he told me he'd been in three (didn't specify seriousness). It was a casual conversation without much substance, but it was nice to hear what he'd been up to since we'd hardly spoken since I'd moved. THREE DAYS AFTER WE'D HAD THIS CONVERSATION (and had sex), one of his fucking ex girlfriends that he'd dated 1.5-2 yeras ago got in touch with him, they had dinner, and now he didn't want to be "talking to two people at once, or messing around with two people at once". I mean, god bless the guy for his honesty but SERIOUSLY??? So...you like me for THREE YEARS, and then an ex comes prancing back into your life who you dated WHILE YOU LIKED ME and then our idyllic summer romance is back into friend zone??
I mean, granted, I know this is a little crazy thinking on my part. I mean, I live in Boston...I'll be in grad school in Boston. He lives 500 miles away from Boston. I'm not looking for a LDR and neither is he, but I thought we could at least have some more hot and heavy makeout sessions while I lived "home"/where he is for the summer! But, alas, this post isn't about whether or not I'm thinking crazy. Instead, here's my question:
So, I want to go to this party. But then I don't want to. Part of me wants to show the "I still want to be friends with you/this shit is water rolling off my back/I'm mature enough to handle this" side of me, while the other part of me doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me again. When I mentioned, very dramatically, "well, if I come to party, I guess I'll see you Saturday. If I don't come to your party...well, I don't know if I'll ever see you again in the near future...good luck with your life", he said that he was really sad that I thought about it that was and that it sounded "disastrous" the way I'd said it. I vacillate between "I can do this" and "Fuck you, man".
Time check: All of this has happened from about June 20, 2012-now, July 14, 2012.
Anyway, MeFi. I'm sorry for this stupid novel but...do I go to this party? OMG I forgot to mention!!! Ex-gf is "out of town" and therefore will NOT be at party. I won't know anyone else besides Nick and maaaaybe his roommate I met once. I'd most likely also drag my sister along if you all vote "yes! go!". Hells no would I go to this thing alone.
As always, thank you thank you thank you.