visiting with family and splitting time
May 27, 2011 9:07 AM Subscribe
Are we wrong for not visiting my family while being on the east coast for my wife's brother's wedding?
So my wife and I(recently married) live on the west coast. My wife's family lives in the south east coast and mine lives in the north east coast. It's about a 7 hour drive from my parent's house to her parent's house. We are going to my wife's brother's wedding in July which will take place near where her family lives. We'll be out there for about 6 days. The wedding festivities will be from Friday to Monday and we leave to go back east on Wednesday. My dad said he was kind of mad that we didn't try to make plans to visit with him, my mom, and the rest of my family while we're gonna be on the east coast. Both my wife and I feel that our visits back east should be focused on seeing one person's family at a time because we think that the 7 hour car ride, or 1 hour flight goes beyond what would be considered an easy double visit. We also would rather spend a large amount of time in one place vs shorter time in 2 places. That being said, we could try to arrange meeting in between(4 hour car ride). On the one hand I understand my parent's feelings...I usually come home 2 times a year. Once in the summer and once in the winter. This will be the first time I skip the summer. But we plan on visiting them for Thanksgiving. I feel guilty here but I also don't feel like what we're doing is wrong...I wanna visit my family but it would be a challenge. We'd have to maybe rent a car, or add another flight to our plans which would get pricy. Even if we had set up the flights to go see them from the start, it would still have been more expensive. Are me and my wife in the wrong by not trying to combine the visit as well as all future visits? Should we have extended our stay for a few days to go visit them? Any advice here is appreciated!
So my wife and I(recently married) live on the west coast. My wife's family lives in the south east coast and mine lives in the north east coast. It's about a 7 hour drive from my parent's house to her parent's house. We are going to my wife's brother's wedding in July which will take place near where her family lives. We'll be out there for about 6 days. The wedding festivities will be from Friday to Monday and we leave to go back east on Wednesday. My dad said he was kind of mad that we didn't try to make plans to visit with him, my mom, and the rest of my family while we're gonna be on the east coast. Both my wife and I feel that our visits back east should be focused on seeing one person's family at a time because we think that the 7 hour car ride, or 1 hour flight goes beyond what would be considered an easy double visit. We also would rather spend a large amount of time in one place vs shorter time in 2 places. That being said, we could try to arrange meeting in between(4 hour car ride). On the one hand I understand my parent's feelings...I usually come home 2 times a year. Once in the summer and once in the winter. This will be the first time I skip the summer. But we plan on visiting them for Thanksgiving. I feel guilty here but I also don't feel like what we're doing is wrong...I wanna visit my family but it would be a challenge. We'd have to maybe rent a car, or add another flight to our plans which would get pricy. Even if we had set up the flights to go see them from the start, it would still have been more expensive. Are me and my wife in the wrong by not trying to combine the visit as well as all future visits? Should we have extended our stay for a few days to go visit them? Any advice here is appreciated!
Is for. Is.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:15 AM on May 27, 2011
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:15 AM on May 27, 2011
I don't think you're wrong at all. This trip is for a specific purpose. Besides, splitting it up to drive 7 hours would rob your wife's family of your time with them, and perhaps not provide much quality time with yours. Splitting up each visit, given the circumstances, is a little unreasonable.
Assuming that your dad is just missing you and not being controlling or manipulative (in other words, assuming good intentions), you might remind him as you explain the stiuation and stand your ground that you have an upcoming trip dedicated to seeing them, which you won't be splitting up to drive 7 hours to see other people and so they will have you guys all to themselves.
You might also ask them to come visit you where you are. I also live far away from my family and I'm usually the one flying 12 hours once a year to see them. It's amazing how much the grousing about my infrequent visits stop when I suggest that they come to me!
posted by DrGirlfriend at 9:20 AM on May 27, 2011
Assuming that your dad is just missing you and not being controlling or manipulative (in other words, assuming good intentions), you might remind him as you explain the stiuation and stand your ground that you have an upcoming trip dedicated to seeing them, which you won't be splitting up to drive 7 hours to see other people and so they will have you guys all to themselves.
You might also ask them to come visit you where you are. I also live far away from my family and I'm usually the one flying 12 hours once a year to see them. It's amazing how much the grousing about my infrequent visits stop when I suggest that they come to me!
posted by DrGirlfriend at 9:20 AM on May 27, 2011
You know what, it would be nice if you could visit them. But, sadly, it's just not going to work out. You can tell them that. Besides, it's her family and who knows how many events and gatherings will get tacked on to the festivities. That's what tends to happen when a lot of family members fly in for a special event. You can feel guilty if you like but try to let it go.
posted by amanda at 9:21 AM on May 27, 2011
posted by amanda at 9:21 AM on May 27, 2011
You're not doing anything wrong. Remind them you will see them at Thanksgiving; invite them out to your place; offer that you do not have the time to do a 4 hour car ride to visit them, but would they like to drive out to wedding location and see you after the wedding?
It sounds like you and your wife have to do all the schlepping and take on all the inconvenience.
posted by jeather at 9:23 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you and your wife have to do all the schlepping and take on all the inconvenience.
posted by jeather at 9:23 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
That's ridiculous. Just being 7 hours down a massive coastline does not qualify as 'in the area so you COULD have stopped by'. In any way.
Same town? Yes.
Same county? Maybe, but only if you had time.
Same State? Again, only if you had lots of spare time to have a quality visit without ruining the main purpose for you trip.
To expect that any trip that is slightly geographically nearer should automatically include your parents is pretty rude and inconsiderate, frankly, and if you bow to them this time you won't be able to make any trips within that 7 hour circle that doesn't include them.
You're going for a wedding, have a nice trip. See your parents when you go and see them. It's unreasonable for them to expect your travels to include them.
posted by Brockles at 9:23 AM on May 27, 2011 [21 favorites]
Same town? Yes.
Same county? Maybe, but only if you had time.
Same State? Again, only if you had lots of spare time to have a quality visit without ruining the main purpose for you trip.
To expect that any trip that is slightly geographically nearer should automatically include your parents is pretty rude and inconsiderate, frankly, and if you bow to them this time you won't be able to make any trips within that 7 hour circle that doesn't include them.
You're going for a wedding, have a nice trip. See your parents when you go and see them. It's unreasonable for them to expect your travels to include them.
posted by Brockles at 9:23 AM on May 27, 2011 [21 favorites]
I don't mean to be snarky, but decisions like this are part of being a grown-up. I went through it, too, when I had to tell my family that Thanksgiving was going to be at my house, with my husband and my child -- as opposed to us always traveling all over the place to satisfy all sides of the family. At some point you have to buckle down and figure out your priorities, and this might be a perfect time to do it.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:23 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:23 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
No, you are absolutely not wrong, particularly when all the expense and effort to fulfill obligations to both families is on your side. This is why my husband and I ended up refusing to travel on holidays several years ago--all the bean-counting.
How many times a year do you see your wife's family? Is there a possibility that you can "trade" one of those times to visit your family? Or somehow extend the Thanksgiving visit?
Also, I like the idea of getting them to come visit you. Seems only fair.
posted by tully_monster at 9:25 AM on May 27, 2011
How many times a year do you see your wife's family? Is there a possibility that you can "trade" one of those times to visit your family? Or somehow extend the Thanksgiving visit?
Also, I like the idea of getting them to come visit you. Seems only fair.
posted by tully_monster at 9:25 AM on May 27, 2011
Both my wife and I feel that our visits back east should be focused on seeing one person's family at a time
Then that's what's right for your family.
Instead of visiting your parents twice a year, visit them once and invite them to make a trip out to visit you on the west coast.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:28 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Then that's what's right for your family.
Instead of visiting your parents twice a year, visit them once and invite them to make a trip out to visit you on the west coast.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:28 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
my wife and I(recently married)
You and your wife need to nip this in the bud, now. You have a family- your wife. Your parents are not in competition with her family.
The "East Coast" is a Very Large Place. Your Dad is way, way out of line for being "kind of mad" that you aren't including them in your trip to your wife's brother's wedding. This trip is about your wife and her family, full stop. There will be more of those trips, and your Dad needs to come to grips with that. A seven hour drive is above and beyond any reasonable expectation.
Have you planned out holidays? I know you are going to see them at Thanksgiving. Are they going to expect that every year?
Since you are recently married, it is an excellent time to start adjusting people's expectations about when and how often you will visit and what holidays you will spend together. Take this opportunity to do that.
posted by ambrosia at 9:35 AM on May 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
You and your wife need to nip this in the bud, now. You have a family- your wife. Your parents are not in competition with her family.
The "East Coast" is a Very Large Place. Your Dad is way, way out of line for being "kind of mad" that you aren't including them in your trip to your wife's brother's wedding. This trip is about your wife and her family, full stop. There will be more of those trips, and your Dad needs to come to grips with that. A seven hour drive is above and beyond any reasonable expectation.
Have you planned out holidays? I know you are going to see them at Thanksgiving. Are they going to expect that every year?
Since you are recently married, it is an excellent time to start adjusting people's expectations about when and how often you will visit and what holidays you will spend together. Take this opportunity to do that.
posted by ambrosia at 9:35 AM on May 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
More than once I've visited my hometown to see friends or attend events and not seen my dad or brothers. And that was when I only had to drive 30 minutes for a visit.
posted by vespabelle at 9:38 AM on May 27, 2011
posted by vespabelle at 9:38 AM on May 27, 2011
Nthing the idea that if they want to see you while you're on the East Coast, it is more reasonable to expect them to make the drive (or flight) to the region where you will be staying vs. expecting you to make an additional trip within a trip, which would be a far greater inconvenience even going the "meeting halfway" route.
posted by The Gooch at 9:38 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by The Gooch at 9:38 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Mom and Dad, I'd love it if you came up to visit for a day!"
Put it on them.
posted by inturnaround at 9:40 AM on May 27, 2011 [12 favorites]
Put it on them.
posted by inturnaround at 9:40 AM on May 27, 2011 [12 favorites]
I can understand your Dad's feelings. They probably miss you and feel that if they were in a similar situation, they'd do what they could. (whether they actually would, who knows, but that's not the perspective they are probably coming from) I know my family might feel similarly.
I like the idea of asking if they would be able to meet you down at your wife's brother's area.
That seems like a good compromise since you've taken the long Cross-country flight.
And on preview: basically what The Gooch said.
posted by johnstein at 9:40 AM on May 27, 2011
I like the idea of asking if they would be able to meet you down at your wife's brother's area.
That seems like a good compromise since you've taken the long Cross-country flight.
And on preview: basically what The Gooch said.
posted by johnstein at 9:40 AM on May 27, 2011
I'd tell them "We think it works best to just visit one of our family per visit. Next time we're just visiting you." And I love the idea of suggesting that your family come up for the day to see you. See how quickly they decide that 7 hours of driving is really too far and stop guilting you.
posted by orange swan at 9:48 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by orange swan at 9:48 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Put it on them.
Right.
You wrote, "That being said, we could try to arrange meeting in between(4 hour car ride)." But you didn't mention that they could also do all the driving and come see you when you're there if you have a free (or freeish) day.
posted by Jahaza at 9:51 AM on May 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
Right.
You wrote, "That being said, we could try to arrange meeting in between(4 hour car ride)." But you didn't mention that they could also do all the driving and come see you when you're there if you have a free (or freeish) day.
posted by Jahaza at 9:51 AM on May 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
"I don't want you to feel left out and I will really miss seeing you over the summer, too, Dad. But we feel that visiting [both locations] at once is not practical. We would rather take a separate trip (at Thanksgiving) to visit you so that we can specifically enjoy our time with you."
posted by anaelith at 10:05 AM on May 27, 2011
posted by anaelith at 10:05 AM on May 27, 2011
You and your wife need to nip this in the bud, now. You have a family- your wife. Your parents are not in competition with her family.
I have to second ambrosia - we used to spend way too many hours travelling between my parents and his simply because they both lived in Wales and God forbid we would just visit my family (his mother would have a convenient "illness"/"fall"/"suspected heart attack" on the eve of our trip). Christmas went from being a wonderful family occasion to a day spent driving across the mountains in dangerous conditions until we finally said no. We'd have saved ourselves and my parents a lot of heartache by being firm from the start.
Your dad loves you, he'll get over it, especially if you phrase it as anaelith has suggested above.
posted by humph at 10:18 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have to second ambrosia - we used to spend way too many hours travelling between my parents and his simply because they both lived in Wales and God forbid we would just visit my family (his mother would have a convenient "illness"/"fall"/"suspected heart attack" on the eve of our trip). Christmas went from being a wonderful family occasion to a day spent driving across the mountains in dangerous conditions until we finally said no. We'd have saved ourselves and my parents a lot of heartache by being firm from the start.
Your dad loves you, he'll get over it, especially if you phrase it as anaelith has suggested above.
posted by humph at 10:18 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
One of the great things about being an adult with your own life is that you no longer get to be "wrong" for not catering to every random whim from your parents. This isn't a moral question - it's down to what you want and what you need now. Since you neither want nor need the 7-hour trip, you are in the right by definition.
(Also: your father's expectation is unreasonable. My visit to San Francisco carries no obligation to visit my dad in Los Angeles; a trip to Detroit does not make swinging through Chicago a minor additional burden.)
posted by SMPA at 11:01 AM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
(Also: your father's expectation is unreasonable. My visit to San Francisco carries no obligation to visit my dad in Los Angeles; a trip to Detroit does not make swinging through Chicago a minor additional burden.)
posted by SMPA at 11:01 AM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Here's a question; are your parents in good health and financial doing OK? If the answer is yes, do they ever come out west and visit you? Seriously I don't have parents (both have died) but I have an older sister who has taken on the role of the family matriarch and she always wants me to come visit her. I moved away in 1993 and she only visited me a few times when I lived in Philadelphia (and I'm convinced that only occurred because she was with her friend who was visiting her daughter in NYC and it was convenient for them to stop and see me on the way). Long story short, when she was strongly hinting that she wanted me to visit this year I told her that it wasn't possible because I had to travel so much for work, but "hey, the planes fly in both directions." She flew down this past weekend and we had a great time. So are you in a position to entertain your parents if they flew out later this summer? Then I think it's time to suggest that if they really want to see you that badly, they could take a turn in putting forth a little effort.
posted by kaybdc at 11:16 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by kaybdc at 11:16 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yeah, when we move far from home, at some point our parents have to get used to the fact that we might travel nearer to them than our home, but not close enough to visit. Some parents get this; others forget that the dynamic can change and their kids are not obligated to trek home every year for the most important holidays. If your parents are in good financial and physical health, and especially if they are retired, they should certainly be visiting you as much as or more than you visit them.
I'm sorry your dad is guilt-tripping you. IF you have time to visit with him, offer to let him drive up to visit with you in your wife's town (say, for Tuesday, after the wedding is done). But otherwise, he's just going to have to get over it.
But it's best to be straight forward about it. "Dad, I love you and I want to see you, but we prefer not to combine trips like this. We'll be seeing you at such-and-such holiday. And we'd really like for you to come west to see us as these tickets east are getting expensive."
I don't know if you guys are going to have kids, but you especially don't want the expectation to be that you go to them once there are babies around. Then, they need to go to you.
But, really, don't worry about this too much. You're not doing wrong here, and this is just how your dad is going to have to get used to you being an adult.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:50 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry your dad is guilt-tripping you. IF you have time to visit with him, offer to let him drive up to visit with you in your wife's town (say, for Tuesday, after the wedding is done). But otherwise, he's just going to have to get over it.
But it's best to be straight forward about it. "Dad, I love you and I want to see you, but we prefer not to combine trips like this. We'll be seeing you at such-and-such holiday. And we'd really like for you to come west to see us as these tickets east are getting expensive."
I don't know if you guys are going to have kids, but you especially don't want the expectation to be that you go to them once there are babies around. Then, they need to go to you.
But, really, don't worry about this too much. You're not doing wrong here, and this is just how your dad is going to have to get used to you being an adult.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:50 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Remind your dad that this decision ensures that when you come to visit, he doesn't have to share you with her family.
posted by jph at 12:02 PM on May 27, 2011
posted by jph at 12:02 PM on May 27, 2011
You're not wrong.
If your family is anything like mine, though, they're going to expect that you spend the vast majority of your vacation time and travel budget on visiting them every year without fail. And god forbid you visit mere friends while you're in their town (void if wherever they live now is not your hometown). You will almost certainly come to resent this. This whenever you're within a thousand miles you have to visit us nonsense is part of that syndrome.
posted by willpie at 12:05 PM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
If your family is anything like mine, though, they're going to expect that you spend the vast majority of your vacation time and travel budget on visiting them every year without fail. And god forbid you visit mere friends while you're in their town (void if wherever they live now is not your hometown). You will almost certainly come to resent this. This whenever you're within a thousand miles you have to visit us nonsense is part of that syndrome.
posted by willpie at 12:05 PM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
You are only "already nearby" if one thinks of the USA as being composed of two geographical areas, The West Coast and The East Coast. Rather than the huge peninsula-appended rectangle that it actually is. A seven hour drive is not "nearby".
posted by Sara C. at 1:06 PM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 1:06 PM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is one of those "begin as you mean to continue" decisions. You and your wife have already agreed upon the alternating parents scheduling of family trips. That will serve you well as time goes on.
It will eliminate years of trying to please competing sets of relatives and years of dragging yourselves and (possibly) your children to whichever set of grandparent makes the most fuss, sets the best hook or intimidates the two of you the most. It saves the guilt one feels for giving in to one set of parents while shortchanging the other.
By deciding on a course of action together beforehand, you also set a sterling precedent for decision making in your own fledgling family. Do it the way you decided and, if your father needs an explanation, say you're looking forward to seeing them but you're doing it the way the two of you need to do it.
posted by Anitanola at 1:40 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
It will eliminate years of trying to please competing sets of relatives and years of dragging yourselves and (possibly) your children to whichever set of grandparent makes the most fuss, sets the best hook or intimidates the two of you the most. It saves the guilt one feels for giving in to one set of parents while shortchanging the other.
By deciding on a course of action together beforehand, you also set a sterling precedent for decision making in your own fledgling family. Do it the way you decided and, if your father needs an explanation, say you're looking forward to seeing them but you're doing it the way the two of you need to do it.
posted by Anitanola at 1:40 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yes, you have to put your foot down and tell them that it is not fair to make you feel guilty, as your wife's family (your newly adopted family!) is the one having the wedding. And you are planning to see them over Thanksgiving, anyway.
But, you know, I'll bet you and your wife work. Are your parents retired? Sometimes it's hard for people who don't have a set schedule to remember that others do and have to take time off from work or school to go anywhere, let alone find the financial means to do so. You could always suggest they come visit you once you get back.
If you and your wife plan to have kids one day, that is the day that you can feel really comfortable telling all the parents, "Please come visit us. It's such a hassle to travel with kids, and besides, we want to set new traditions for our kids in our own home." That's a great day right there. Look forward to it.
In the meantime, you'll have to deal with the guilt-tripping as best you can, and just do what is right for you and your wife.
posted by misha at 2:35 PM on May 27, 2011
But, you know, I'll bet you and your wife work. Are your parents retired? Sometimes it's hard for people who don't have a set schedule to remember that others do and have to take time off from work or school to go anywhere, let alone find the financial means to do so. You could always suggest they come visit you once you get back.
If you and your wife plan to have kids one day, that is the day that you can feel really comfortable telling all the parents, "Please come visit us. It's such a hassle to travel with kids, and besides, we want to set new traditions for our kids in our own home." That's a great day right there. Look forward to it.
In the meantime, you'll have to deal with the guilt-tripping as best you can, and just do what is right for you and your wife.
posted by misha at 2:35 PM on May 27, 2011
Your dad is being way out of line --- 1. this trip is for a specific purpose, that wedding; and 2. you already visit with him twice a year! You and your wife have all the hassle and expense of traveling, while your dad is apparently in charge of the heavy guilt-tripping.
Enough. Cut back your own traveling, to ONE trip per year each to her family and your family; if they insist on seeing you more often, THEY can come to visit YOU. (If you really feel the need to do more traveling, try Hawaii or India or Japan or France or Italy or.....)
posted by easily confused at 3:23 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Enough. Cut back your own traveling, to ONE trip per year each to her family and your family; if they insist on seeing you more often, THEY can come to visit YOU. (If you really feel the need to do more traveling, try Hawaii or India or Japan or France or Italy or.....)
posted by easily confused at 3:23 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Tell them that if they'd like to have dinner on Tuesday night, they're welcome to drive 7 hours each way to do that. If not, you'll see them at Thanksgiving. After all, you've already made 80% of the trip. If they want to see you, they should come the other 20%.
posted by decathecting at 3:47 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by decathecting at 3:47 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
You are there for the wedding - period. Tell your dad he's welcome to visit you if you have some free time. Otherwise, you'll see him in the Autumn.
I am so glad I don't have to deal with this crap. Yay for sensible in-laws!
posted by deborah at 5:11 PM on May 27, 2011
I am so glad I don't have to deal with this crap. Yay for sensible in-laws!
posted by deborah at 5:11 PM on May 27, 2011
Yes, you have to put your foot down and tell them that it is not fair to make you feel guilty, as your wife's family (your newly adopted family!) is the one having the wedding.
I agree that you shouldn't feel bad about this but I'm not sure, given what you've said, that it makes sense to make this an issue in the "it's not fair!" sense. Great advice upthread to recognize you're an adult, you've made a decision about this trip--and you've thoughtfully developed a policy for ensuring your extended families get equal time (over time). That's it.
Avoid the urge to turn this into a debate over who's right to be mad/feel bad.
Keep calm and carry on.
posted by donovan at 5:21 PM on May 27, 2011
I agree that you shouldn't feel bad about this but I'm not sure, given what you've said, that it makes sense to make this an issue in the "it's not fair!" sense. Great advice upthread to recognize you're an adult, you've made a decision about this trip--and you've thoughtfully developed a policy for ensuring your extended families get equal time (over time). That's it.
Avoid the urge to turn this into a debate over who's right to be mad/feel bad.
Keep calm and carry on.
posted by donovan at 5:21 PM on May 27, 2011
It's good that you & your wife are putting your mutual decisions first. Tell your dad you're meeting him way more than halfway by flying east, so he should drive down to see you. May also want to remind him that being 7 hours away by car is an hour longer than it takes to drive the entire length of England.
posted by anildash at 5:52 PM on May 27, 2011
posted by anildash at 5:52 PM on May 27, 2011
No need to be defensive. Just affirm that a) you and your wife make these decisions together based on what's best for the two of you b) there's no need for him to feel left out or competitive, you'll always be his kid, but c) you're all adults here.
Being newly married makes this the absolute best time ever to nip this sort of thing in the bud. After all, this is part of what marriage is for.
posted by desuetude at 6:22 PM on May 27, 2011
Being newly married makes this the absolute best time ever to nip this sort of thing in the bud. After all, this is part of what marriage is for.
posted by desuetude at 6:22 PM on May 27, 2011
My husband and I lived on the west coast for the first few years of our marriage; our two sets of parents are both in the eastern time zone, 7 hours driving time apart. From experience: Stand firm now, because the more you visit, the more your family will get used to that and expect you to keep visiting. Which is not to say you should visit less often, rather that you should only visit when you're comfortable and aren't going to spend the trip stressed and resentful. My father-in-law has not visited us once in almost five years. My husband broached the subject with him once and received something like, "Well, you're here all the time anyway." For what it's worth, it sounds like you're seeing your parents slightly more often than I saw mine, but less often than my husband saw his. (For logistical reasons, we see my husband's family more often than mine, and he also visits them without me semi-regularly.)
Beware meeting in the middle. It sounds fair, but 3-4 hours of driving is significant, plus you'd be getting together in a place that's unfamiliar to everybody (I'm guessing). Also beware getting together in your in-laws' town. One Christmas, my husband and I flew to stay with my in-laws for a week, and he arranged for my parents to visit and surprise me. It was a very sweet gesture, but it really didn't work. My husband and I stayed with his parents. They invited my parents to their house as well, but my parents don't know them that well and there really wasn't enough space, so they stayed in a hotel, which may have slightly insulted my in-laws, and it was a weird dynamic in general. Everyone had the best of intentions, but that trip was extremely stressful and not something I'd recommend.
This may be a good time to make a point of calling more often, or whatever it is that make you and your family feel connected. You mentioned visiting for this wedding and then on Thanksgiving. Do you visit on non-special occasions? Those vacations can be more relaxed, plus flying non-peak times is cheaper and easier. My father actually prefers we visit at random times so he knows we're not there due to some "You have to spend Christmas with family" sense of obligation.
Your father is not being reasonable, but he is likely acting out of love and missing you. You and I know that one does not spend 6-10 hours flying and then cheerily hop in a car for another 7, but he may not have thought through the details. We've been asked, "Oh, you're taking a trip [between the east and west coast]? Why don't you stop by [relatives in the Rockies]?" Um, because flying doesn't work like that.
posted by orangejenny at 6:25 PM on May 27, 2011
Beware meeting in the middle. It sounds fair, but 3-4 hours of driving is significant, plus you'd be getting together in a place that's unfamiliar to everybody (I'm guessing). Also beware getting together in your in-laws' town. One Christmas, my husband and I flew to stay with my in-laws for a week, and he arranged for my parents to visit and surprise me. It was a very sweet gesture, but it really didn't work. My husband and I stayed with his parents. They invited my parents to their house as well, but my parents don't know them that well and there really wasn't enough space, so they stayed in a hotel, which may have slightly insulted my in-laws, and it was a weird dynamic in general. Everyone had the best of intentions, but that trip was extremely stressful and not something I'd recommend.
This may be a good time to make a point of calling more often, or whatever it is that make you and your family feel connected. You mentioned visiting for this wedding and then on Thanksgiving. Do you visit on non-special occasions? Those vacations can be more relaxed, plus flying non-peak times is cheaper and easier. My father actually prefers we visit at random times so he knows we're not there due to some "You have to spend Christmas with family" sense of obligation.
Your father is not being reasonable, but he is likely acting out of love and missing you. You and I know that one does not spend 6-10 hours flying and then cheerily hop in a car for another 7, but he may not have thought through the details. We've been asked, "Oh, you're taking a trip [between the east and west coast]? Why don't you stop by [relatives in the Rockies]?" Um, because flying doesn't work like that.
posted by orangejenny at 6:25 PM on May 27, 2011
"Oh, we'd love to be able to see you guys! But, you see, this trip is limited in both time and budget- we really need to get back west for (work, significant event, etc) so can't add any time to the trip, and the added cost of flying or driving to see you is not really something we can afford at the moment. "
Maybe even add something about not being able to spend quality time if you did zip up to see them. (or them to see you) that you'd like to hang out in a not-stressful rushed environment.
OR: that if you went to see them you wouldn't be able to afford to see them at Thanksgiving.
Also: are they going to be mad if you're doing Thanksgiving with them this year but not next year? What about your wife's family? Are you doing Christmas with wife's family this year?
Good luck with messy family stuff! I think people get used to dealing with the dad's side/ mum's side thing when they have kids that are grown, and forget that their kids now effectively have four families to deal with (depending on how close everyone is!) instead of the regular one/two. Though, if people get used to it that bodes well for you, I think. :)
and be thankful you Americans have Thanksgiving as well as Christmas to share between the in-laws, in Australia we just have Christmas! (and Boxing day, the 26th) heh.
Flexibility is strength, on reflecting on the Christmas thing.
Some families are very particular about having Christmas ON THE DAY or it doesn't "count". One side of my family (I'm still single and at home) is like that, and the other isn't so much.
So we do Christmas day with one side, and have another Christmas celebration with the other side on a nearby date. This works well because we can find a day where more of the family can make it! On the other side now that the 3rd gen is starting to get married, they have to do the "lunch here, dinner there" thing. I think that this (as well as other factors) will mean that in the future we won't have a full family Christmas bash on one side soon, but will continue to do so on the other side.
(sorry about the ramble, I hope this answers your question!)
posted by titanium_geek at 6:57 PM on May 27, 2011
Maybe even add something about not being able to spend quality time if you did zip up to see them. (or them to see you) that you'd like to hang out in a not-stressful rushed environment.
OR: that if you went to see them you wouldn't be able to afford to see them at Thanksgiving.
Also: are they going to be mad if you're doing Thanksgiving with them this year but not next year? What about your wife's family? Are you doing Christmas with wife's family this year?
Good luck with messy family stuff! I think people get used to dealing with the dad's side/ mum's side thing when they have kids that are grown, and forget that their kids now effectively have four families to deal with (depending on how close everyone is!) instead of the regular one/two. Though, if people get used to it that bodes well for you, I think. :)
and be thankful you Americans have Thanksgiving as well as Christmas to share between the in-laws, in Australia we just have Christmas! (and Boxing day, the 26th) heh.
Flexibility is strength, on reflecting on the Christmas thing.
Some families are very particular about having Christmas ON THE DAY or it doesn't "count". One side of my family (I'm still single and at home) is like that, and the other isn't so much.
So we do Christmas day with one side, and have another Christmas celebration with the other side on a nearby date. This works well because we can find a day where more of the family can make it! On the other side now that the 3rd gen is starting to get married, they have to do the "lunch here, dinner there" thing. I think that this (as well as other factors) will mean that in the future we won't have a full family Christmas bash on one side soon, but will continue to do so on the other side.
(sorry about the ramble, I hope this answers your question!)
posted by titanium_geek at 6:57 PM on May 27, 2011
If you can set aside the annoyingness of their guilt trip, what he's really saying is "we miss you A LOT and we are hurt not to have an opportunity to see you."
I can relate because I have had this feeling about family members visiting my HALF of the country. I have gratefully driven from San Francisco to Vegas when given the offer to catch them at the end of a bachelor weekend. I've felt hurt (though I got over it instantaneously) by not being given this same offer by another family member travelling to Denver.
I'd explain just how very busy you will be when you are there. Also, I'd acknowledge that your old summer visit schedule is changing, which is hard, maybe even on you? Talk about Thanksgiving. And yeah, if you could spend a day with them, ask if they want to come hang out.
But no need to be defensive, and no need to be angry back. It sucks that he's turning "hurt, sad, and missing you" into "mad," which probably reflects a sense of entitlement. But if you can react from a place of power, control, and compassion, that will allow your tone etc. to reflect the message that this is your decision to make but you care about him.
posted by salvia at 11:48 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I can relate because I have had this feeling about family members visiting my HALF of the country. I have gratefully driven from San Francisco to Vegas when given the offer to catch them at the end of a bachelor weekend. I've felt hurt (though I got over it instantaneously) by not being given this same offer by another family member travelling to Denver.
I'd explain just how very busy you will be when you are there. Also, I'd acknowledge that your old summer visit schedule is changing, which is hard, maybe even on you? Talk about Thanksgiving. And yeah, if you could spend a day with them, ask if they want to come hang out.
But no need to be defensive, and no need to be angry back. It sucks that he's turning "hurt, sad, and missing you" into "mad," which probably reflects a sense of entitlement. But if you can react from a place of power, control, and compassion, that will allow your tone etc. to reflect the message that this is your decision to make but you care about him.
posted by salvia at 11:48 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Establish some kind of expectation now that your parents and your in-laws come and visit you and if they are retired they should visit you more than you them. Because having to spend a lot of your holiday time travelling all over the place to visit family gets old very quickly. And gets more onerous once you have children. So unless their health is very poor they can travel. If they can't afford to travel pay for their air fare - after all you presumably have to pay to go to see them.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:15 AM on May 28, 2011
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:15 AM on May 28, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
A side-trip to your family is going to eat up at least two of the six days, and that's not even doing anything other than going back and forth.
Offering a compromise of meeting somewhere inbetween, or them coming down to see you has the benefits of showing that you're being reasonable, and (I suspect) chasing off this unreasonable demand on you.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:15 AM on May 27, 2011