Shall I visit my kind-of-ex or not?
July 17, 2012 8:58 AM Subscribe
Travelling to a country where someone that I was involved with fairly recently and parted on amicable terms lives. Shall I visit him - and risk either rekindling a relationship that doesn't really have a future, or becoming even more heartbroken? Snowflakes within.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Background: All countries in Europe, both in early 20s, me being very romantically inexperienced. He and I met in Country A where we were both at university. We had an intense short-and-sweet romance for a few weeks, before he graduated and moved back home to Country B. He also has a 1-year job lined up in Country C from the autumn which is pretty far from Country A, so I knew from the outset that there wasn't much future in the relationship. But I went for him anyway, because I liked him too much. When he left I was heartbroken, but I suggested that we keep in touch as friends, and to let me know what he plans to do after the year. He agreed, but told me not to wait around for him, because I'd easily be able to find someone soon and I should take the chance to be happy. He said I'd be very welcome to visit him in Country C though, and I said maybe. We parted very amicably.
It's been about a month since, and I thought sadly that we would probably just drift apart - but he has since been sending me some emails (just generic chat), chats over IM, and a few days ago he called me on skype, again with just generic chat (we always had a lot to talk about). I mentioned that I had been making plans (completely separately to him) to visit a friend next month in Country B, albeit 5-6 hours away from his home town by train. We lightly suggested to each other that one of us could come to the other city, but we left it ambiguous.
Talking to him face-to-face brought back a rush of the emotions I had felt back then and I just really, overwhelmingly want to see him again. It won't cost me that much more to take a detour to his city on my way back. But my rational side tells me this is a bad idea. I still have very strong feelings for him, but I don't know about him - he's not very verbally communicative about his wants or emotions. I do think he did like me back then - his gestures and actions were always affectionate and considerate, and he was always keen to set up dates - but if he'd rather be leaving me behind in his past and just be friends, I don't want to be clingy or be intruding into his life, especially as there isn't much other reason to visit his home city apart from him (though it's a nice tourist city in its own right). Or even if we are on the same page, what would it achieve to meet again if we can't be together in the long run? (Though we didn't explicitly talk about it, I don't think either of us would want an LDR. I really thought we had a good chance of building something if we were in the same place, but we were still in the getting-to-know-you-and-infatuated-by-you stage and I don't want that to sour by the realities and strain of an LDR.) And part of me is wondering whether I'm just holding on to him because it was the first romantic experience I've had, and I don't have anything to benchmark my emotions or instinct against; perhaps I'd be better off trying to start dating in my home town and move cleanly on....?
But... I still want to see him again. How do I know whether this is something worth the chance or not? Advice would be very much appreciated.