I'd like to do some damage control on a pretty terrible weekend at the folk's home with the SO...

September 4, 2008 4:02 PM

My SO and I got into a few dumb arguments in front of my parents while visiting their home over the weekend. How do I work on repairing the damage between SO and my parents?

First there was a bit of bickering back and forth and me walking off, leaving SO of four years with my parents. This embarrassed SO, and only got the ball rolling for the rest of the weekend. Then, I made a big deal about something I shouldn't have, and consequently it made SO look like a petty bastard. Something SO really isn't, at all. I was out of line.

The last fight happened as we were leaving to go back home, and ended with me crying and us leaving my parents home in a cloud of awkwardness and embarrassment. My parents saw their only kiddo sobbing because of SO's actions. They couldn't even look at SO when we left because of the crying debacle. I didn't notice it at the time--it was brought to my attention later.

SO and I have since worked everything out and we're great. We both acted like assholes. We're alright. We rarely fight as it is, so it was jarring for all parties involved.

It breaks my heart to think that perhaps we can't get along so famously as we used to. They've always liked him a lot. Their approval of anyone I've ever dated means the world to me, and they are a tough crowd to please (think De Niro in Meet the Parents and you've got them pegged.)

I'm extremely close to my family and they're very protective of me. I'm also extremely close to my SO and we'd like get married soon. I spoke to my Mom once since we've been back, and I was trying to be up beat about the whole thing, but I could tell over the phone that she was really disappointed in SO.

We see my parents about once a month, they live a few hours away by car.

I was wrong, he was wrong...but is there anyway to smooth things over as far as my parents are involved? Should SO apologize? Should SO take a break from visiting, and I just go visit them alone next time? What should I do? My first instinct is to take the blame for everything and act like I was the only one that was out of line, but the parents will not see it that way and I don't want to lie to them.

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

Couples fight. Your parents fight. Nothing new. Apologize for arguing in their home. Explain to them how stupid the little things you were arguing over actually were - don't focus on who was at fault or who was right. Then drop the subject. The more you're OK with it, and the more they hear about how well things are going with you and SO, the less they'll think about it.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 4:12 PM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Whatever happened to acting like nothing happened? Jeeesh.

Anyway, if it wasn't a big deal, treating it as such is expected. Your parents will get over it, you will get over it, your SO will get over it. (I seriously do hope you learned something from this, though, because your own words make you sound like such a spoiled brat it's not even funny). Should anyone ask, you were PMSing (I sure hope you're a girl, otherwise I don't think it'll fly).
posted by neblina_matinal at 4:15 PM on September 4, 2008

My first instinct is to take the blame for everything and act like I was the only one that was out of line, but the parents will not see it that way and I don't want to lie to them.

Well, I see it that way. When the two of you visit your parents, then he is the guest and you become the host along with your parents.... storming off? You owe him a huge apology, and I think you can safely say that it was you. You guys are getting married - take one for the team, you know? Anyhow, it's not like it's the first time they've met him - I sincerely doubt that the four of you getting along is ruined forever. All couples fight - your parents know that - and it'll blow over.
posted by moxiedoll at 4:20 PM on September 4, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

My advice is the same as Inspector.Gadget's, to a 'T'.
posted by batmonkey at 4:40 PM on September 4, 2008

What moxiedoll said, adding that you were also made a big deal out of something that wasn't and made your SO look bad in front of your parents. The way you tell it, you owe him and your parents an apology.
posted by amro at 4:53 PM on September 4, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Oh yeah, and your SO goes with you a few hours away by car to see your parents once a month? He sounds like a saint.
posted by amro at 4:55 PM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

What amro said. And honestly, I hope to god that you misinterpreted things and that your parents aren't just disappointed in SO, because if your account of events is correct and you did a) argue in front of the parents and b) a lot of the bickering was you (the poster) being petty, then they really ought to be able to place a little responsibility where it's due, only child or not. Heck, once when an old friend came to visit me and - to cut a long story short - turned into a bit of a dramallama when the suit he was pressing was received with hesitation - my parents blamed me for being a bad hostess and making a guest so upset. If your parents are remotely sane (hint: not De Niro), then they ought to realize that the last weekend visit wasn't all on your SO. If they are exclusively of the De Niro bent, you have bigger problems than this one visit, frankly.
posted by bettafish at 5:43 PM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Isn't the usual advice on these communication questions right? Send them a link to this page.
posted by nicwolff at 5:43 PM on September 4, 2008

You threw him under the bus by not avoiding the whole situation. He was in a vulnerable place, when he's in your home turf, with the two people who love you most, who will always be on your side, it in that place is YOUR job to protect HIM from harm.

If I were you, I would apologize to him for dropping the ball, for showing yourself incapable of not regressing to such childish behavior when in your parents' home, and then call your parents, explaining to them that your behavior was rotten, and although he behaved badly too, there were extenuating circumstances they can't understand, and that you need them to just believe you that you were the fool. Why not? You can't save face when it's your parents. They don't care, because they sound like they're gonna side with you. If you make "your side" the one that puts maintaining your healthy relationship paramount, they may cooperate with you.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 6:18 PM on September 4, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

seconding moxiedoll and amro. And for future reference: I've learned that when the chips are down, it's crucial that you show your SO (and those around you) that you are on the same side. Even in moments of high stress and disagreement and anger -- indeed, especially in those moments, particularly if one of you is at a disadvantage by being on someone else's turf -- you still have to be on your SO's team.
posted by scody at 6:42 PM on September 4, 2008

So much good advice in this thread.

You can't get them to un-see what they saw. You can explain to your parents that while you aren't entirely blaming yourself for the fight, you realize that your bad reaction jeopardized their acceptance of your SO, and that you owe all parties an apology for that. Then say that SO has invited the four of you out to dinner.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 9:27 PM on September 4, 2008

Their approval of anyone I've ever dated means the world to me,

This may be the larger problem.
posted by spaltavian at 12:47 AM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Just wanted to chime in and mention that I would definitely NOT go with your idea of having SO stay home on the next visit. It would just signal to your parents that something is amiss. If they really are holding something against SO after the incident, this would just add to their idea that he's done something wrong, he isn't adult enough to face them, he and you are still fighting...basically I'm saying it would just fuel their imaginations.

You need to show them a unified front, that you and SO are on the same team and you're both grown-ups that can make decisions about their relationship. If anything, make SURE he goes next time and, I would say, don't even mention the weirdness last time...just show your parents how much you love and respect your SO by acting like a mature adult who can have fights, work it out and honestly move on.
posted by dahliachewswell at 12:56 AM on September 5, 2008

Since this is anon... (not that I can really blame you) - you sound like you're still being a total brat! Your first instinct is probably correct, the overblown proportions of this does sound like your fault. But if you like playing the victim, then the idea of apologising is not so noble. IF he would like to apologise then he knows where the phone is. Stop riding him about it.

But anyway - here's a universal tip. Fighting in front of people is never acceptable. Throwing hissy fits, again never acceptable. Show a united front in public at all cost!! Why?? -Because this just works for everybody concerned. It suggests flattering things about yourselves and because most importantly nobody wants to listen to that shit. It's about as tasteful as biting your toenails at their dinner table and then spitting them out onto their floor. (Ugh!) Yeah, that was real classy there guys.

You never ever put your partner on show. Ever. By 'putting them on show' I mean belittling, embarrassing, nagging or doing anything cringe worthy at the expense of another for the benefit of an audience. You just don't do it. Ever!! If your partner slips up you just need to ignore their faux pas as tastefully as possible and continue on...
That situation could even turn out well?
ie The offending partner quietly apologises and the other quietly accepts and nobody gives it another thought. Although all those present can see that this is a very real and adult relationship.
Because that's the stuff good relationships are made of - knowing how to competently handle all the crap that is simply a part of them.

I also think that somewhere under there it's probably the most important thing to parents? Well for my Mum it's true anyway. She likes to think that the weather is always fine wherever I am and that's cool, I get that bit. But I still think she appreciates knowing that when it comes down to it - I've got an umbrella, my SO has gumboots and we'll be fine as long as we stick together, even if it's not. :)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 1:07 AM on September 5, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

With your own family, you should always take 100 percent of the blame for any conflicts involving a significant other. It doesn't actually matter whether or not you believe you deserve 100 percent of the blame for the situation. Tell your family that it's all your fault, and make it believable. They will always forgive you, but they may hold a grudge against your SO, and that's what you're trying to avoid.

No, your SO should not apologize to your parents. You should apologize to your parents and let them know that what they witnessed during your trip was a result of you behaving in a childish, petty, and all-around unacceptable manner towards someone you love. You should tell your parents that you're going to try harder in the future to behave more like the kind, loving person they raised and less like someone who would humiliate a loved one in public.

You should then apologize again to your SO and tell her/him that you'll work to curb this behavior in the future. In this particular situation, it sounds as though you actually are the one at fault, so you should make sure that this apology is heartfelt and that you actually do work on the behavior that caused the fight.

Then, you should let the matter drop. You should visit your parents, together, just as you did before. And if you notice your parents treating your SO differently in a way that you suspect is a result of the fight, you should talk to your parents again and tell them again that this was all your fault and that they're wrong to take it out on your SO.
posted by decathecting at 10:10 AM on September 5, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

So much good advice in this thread.

One more thing, whenever you're tempted to fight in front of other people go home. Pronto. No one wants to see you fight and it's incredibly damaging to your relationship to battle in front of others. There were 3 separate spats; that should never happen. As soon as the bickering started, you should have either vowed to stop or have left. When you walked off in huff you should have put your suitcase back in the car.
posted by 26.2 at 4:58 PM on September 6, 2008