I gave him another chance, did I make a mistake?
April 4, 2011 3:07 PM Subscribe
I agreed to give my a boyfriend a second chance after finding out he cheated on me multiple times. Its been 6 months since we are back together, and I still can't seem to trust him. Did I make a mistake?
We've been together for 3 years after he moved from a different state to live closer to me (we never moved in together yet). Six months ago I found out he's been cheating on me multiple times over a period of about 1 year, with 2 different girls (one of them was married). This was one of the hardest periods of my life, I felt so lost and hurt. We both love each other very much, and already started to talk about moving in together and marriage. I decided to give him another chance, as I was hoping our relationship can be rebuilt, and as I just couldn't imagine my life without him. Today, 6 months later, its still very hard for me to trust him. I find myself always wondering what he is up to, where he's at, and who he is hanging out with. Since we dont live together, I only see him few times a week. I feel that I will never be able to trust him again, and maybe I made a mistake by giving him another chance. Should I just end it and that's it? did I make a mistake?? I will appreciate if anyone can share some similiar experiences.
We've been together for 3 years after he moved from a different state to live closer to me (we never moved in together yet). Six months ago I found out he's been cheating on me multiple times over a period of about 1 year, with 2 different girls (one of them was married). This was one of the hardest periods of my life, I felt so lost and hurt. We both love each other very much, and already started to talk about moving in together and marriage. I decided to give him another chance, as I was hoping our relationship can be rebuilt, and as I just couldn't imagine my life without him. Today, 6 months later, its still very hard for me to trust him. I find myself always wondering what he is up to, where he's at, and who he is hanging out with. Since we dont live together, I only see him few times a week. I feel that I will never be able to trust him again, and maybe I made a mistake by giving him another chance. Should I just end it and that's it? did I make a mistake?? I will appreciate if anyone can share some similiar experiences.
It doesn't really matter if you made a mistake then, what matters is what you should do now. Now, you don't trust him, you feel as though you'll never be able to trust him. That means that your relationship as you knew it is over.
I know it seems hard, but yes, I think you should end it. There is someone who will treat you well and make you happy out there. Give yourself a chance to find him.
posted by brainmouse at 3:10 PM on April 4, 2011 [8 favorites]
I know it seems hard, but yes, I think you should end it. There is someone who will treat you well and make you happy out there. Give yourself a chance to find him.
posted by brainmouse at 3:10 PM on April 4, 2011 [8 favorites]
We both love each other very much, and already started to talk about moving in together and marriage.
Sorry, but if he cheated on you multiple times, I have a hard time believing he loved you. He likes something about you, but not enough to be committed and honest. The fact that one of his extracurricular activities was with a married woman tells me he just plain doesn't have any respect for commitment at all (obviously he's not the only one in that case). If I were you, I'd walk out of this.
But.
If you really want to stay in this relationship, it's going to take you longer than six months to get over this. It's extremely hard to rebuild trust after something like that, and that's why most relationships fail once someone's cheated. It's up to you if you made a mistake or not.
When this happened to me, I was willing to work through it, but he wasn't, and that turned out to be a good thing. It's been about seven years since then. He still tries to make amends, and I still don't want anything to do with him.
posted by katillathehun at 3:13 PM on April 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
Sorry, but if he cheated on you multiple times, I have a hard time believing he loved you. He likes something about you, but not enough to be committed and honest. The fact that one of his extracurricular activities was with a married woman tells me he just plain doesn't have any respect for commitment at all (obviously he's not the only one in that case). If I were you, I'd walk out of this.
But.
If you really want to stay in this relationship, it's going to take you longer than six months to get over this. It's extremely hard to rebuild trust after something like that, and that's why most relationships fail once someone's cheated. It's up to you if you made a mistake or not.
When this happened to me, I was willing to work through it, but he wasn't, and that turned out to be a good thing. It's been about seven years since then. He still tries to make amends, and I still don't want anything to do with him.
posted by katillathehun at 3:13 PM on April 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
Usually, yes...it was a mistake, but you're not alone in making it. If you are unsure enough to ask that question, I think you're on a good path to bringing this closure. I don't know of many stories where this type of scenario works out too well..I would suggest the very hard decision of letting go and moving on. Because think of it this way, if he respected you...if he felt you were the one, he never would have cheated on you, especially with multiple partners. There could be a million excuses as to why he did what he did, but none of them can reverse that kind of damage. You'll likely find yourself coming back to this feeling often. So the best thing to do is to split amicably and respectfully (or even remain friends, you just can't trust him to be in the type of relationship you want for yourself...)
posted by samsara at 3:15 PM on April 4, 2011
posted by samsara at 3:15 PM on April 4, 2011
Easy solution, find a guy that hasn't cheated on you.
Two likely Scenarios:
1. He cheats on you again.
2. He doesn't cheat on you again but you continue to think so and tear yourself up inside because he successfully cheated on you FOR A YEAR.
My disclaimer on #1 is if he came clean or got caught. If you caught him this is not a good sign for what is to come.
posted by zephyr_words at 3:17 PM on April 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Two likely Scenarios:
1. He cheats on you again.
2. He doesn't cheat on you again but you continue to think so and tear yourself up inside because he successfully cheated on you FOR A YEAR.
My disclaimer on #1 is if he came clean or got caught. If you caught him this is not a good sign for what is to come.
posted by zephyr_words at 3:17 PM on April 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
I still can't seem to trust him.
I think you just have good instincts.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:18 PM on April 4, 2011 [9 favorites]
I think you just have good instincts.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:18 PM on April 4, 2011 [9 favorites]
Trust your gut. I would never have given him a second chance to burn me, as in my experience they always relapse.
Time to walk away.
posted by Alcibiades. at 3:21 PM on April 4, 2011
Time to walk away.
posted by Alcibiades. at 3:21 PM on April 4, 2011
There seems to be a lot of people down with "he never loved you, DTMFA" but i am going to suggest something a little different.
Sometimes people are jerks to the people they love. I wouldn't doubt his love, because that doesn't do anything for either of you.
Right now you need to take a serious look at how you feel. Do you want to rebuild the trust? Do you think it's possible? It's ok if you decide it's not worth the heart break and the crazy. You don't want to sit there being paranoid for the next thirty years, and I'm sure he doesn't want to walk on eggshells forever, either.
If you decide Yes, absolutly worth it- then you're going to have to get some serious reassurace from him, but also find a way not to constantly rake him over the coals for it. It's reasonable to tell him that you might need a little extra info and a get-out-of-jail-free card for being insecure sometimes.
Tons of people have made it through cheating. Tons of people haven't. This is all about how you feel.
posted by Blisterlips at 3:25 PM on April 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
Sometimes people are jerks to the people they love. I wouldn't doubt his love, because that doesn't do anything for either of you.
Right now you need to take a serious look at how you feel. Do you want to rebuild the trust? Do you think it's possible? It's ok if you decide it's not worth the heart break and the crazy. You don't want to sit there being paranoid for the next thirty years, and I'm sure he doesn't want to walk on eggshells forever, either.
If you decide Yes, absolutly worth it- then you're going to have to get some serious reassurace from him, but also find a way not to constantly rake him over the coals for it. It's reasonable to tell him that you might need a little extra info and a get-out-of-jail-free card for being insecure sometimes.
Tons of people have made it through cheating. Tons of people haven't. This is all about how you feel.
posted by Blisterlips at 3:25 PM on April 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
I will appreciate if anyone can share some similiar experiences.
Here goes: I was you, once. Except I was married to him when I found out. It was multiple instances of infidelity, with multiple different partners. I tried to make the relationship work. But I came to learn that he continued to cheat, and after a while I figured out that making a relationship work when one's partner is cheating is not a "win."
He's shown you what his pattern is going to be. It's up to you to decide if you can live with it or not. It sounds like you can't. And that is a completely legitimate decision to take.
It's not a mistake, not yet. Marrying him, or moving in with him, those would be mistakes.
posted by ambrosia at 3:25 PM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Here goes: I was you, once. Except I was married to him when I found out. It was multiple instances of infidelity, with multiple different partners. I tried to make the relationship work. But I came to learn that he continued to cheat, and after a while I figured out that making a relationship work when one's partner is cheating is not a "win."
He's shown you what his pattern is going to be. It's up to you to decide if you can live with it or not. It sounds like you can't. And that is a completely legitimate decision to take.
It's not a mistake, not yet. Marrying him, or moving in with him, those would be mistakes.
posted by ambrosia at 3:25 PM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
katillathehun: "Sorry, but if he cheated on you multiple times, I have a hard time believing he loved you."
For better or worse (ha!) not everyone is constituted like you are.
OP, there's a methodology for reconciling and rebuilding trust after infidelity. Nothing in your post indicates you're following it. "Take me back" does not mean "trust me unconditionally." Trust is something that is regained, slowly, based on experience.
You gain this experience by him giving you full and unconditional access to any information you need. You want to read his text messages? His email? His phone bills. No problem. You want to know where he is, right now, and who he's with? No problem. You want to read his IM, WOW and Gchat logs? No problem.
I suggest you do some reading at Surviving Infidelity, starting with this FAQ, and seek guidance on the forums if that would be helpful.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:30 PM on April 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
For better or worse (ha!) not everyone is constituted like you are.
OP, there's a methodology for reconciling and rebuilding trust after infidelity. Nothing in your post indicates you're following it. "Take me back" does not mean "trust me unconditionally." Trust is something that is regained, slowly, based on experience.
You gain this experience by him giving you full and unconditional access to any information you need. You want to read his text messages? His email? His phone bills. No problem. You want to know where he is, right now, and who he's with? No problem. You want to read his IM, WOW and Gchat logs? No problem.
I suggest you do some reading at Surviving Infidelity, starting with this FAQ, and seek guidance on the forums if that would be helpful.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:30 PM on April 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
It doesn't work. If you want to try, get into counseling asap.
posted by doomtop at 3:32 PM on April 4, 2011
posted by doomtop at 3:32 PM on April 4, 2011
Response by poster: The issue not whether he does it again or not (though my inclination is he probably will). You have no concrete proof one way or the other how his future self will act, only probabilities.
The issue is your feelings of distrust, and whether you'll ever be able to trust him and have a relationship where it doesn't eat at you. That doesn't seem to be the case, and you should not remain in this relationship and be miserable because you feel you "should" be able to trust him or any such nonsense. Think about it--you guys are considering marriage. How long do you want to feel what you're feeling?
Given the number and length of the infidelities (it lasted one-third of your relationship!), I think few people would be able to remain. Cut him loose and find someone who respects you.
posted by Anonymous at 3:37 PM on April 4, 2011
The issue is your feelings of distrust, and whether you'll ever be able to trust him and have a relationship where it doesn't eat at you. That doesn't seem to be the case, and you should not remain in this relationship and be miserable because you feel you "should" be able to trust him or any such nonsense. Think about it--you guys are considering marriage. How long do you want to feel what you're feeling?
Given the number and length of the infidelities (it lasted one-third of your relationship!), I think few people would be able to remain. Cut him loose and find someone who respects you.
posted by Anonymous at 3:37 PM on April 4, 2011
Two girls? Drop him like a MySQL table. This guy's not worth your time.
posted by Victorvacendak at 3:37 PM on April 4, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by Victorvacendak at 3:37 PM on April 4, 2011 [8 favorites]
I am absolutely not in the "once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater" camp -- I think cheating can be a much more complex issue than that, and have seen relationships successfully weather the storm of cheating -- but the fact that he cheated multiple times with different women (one of whom was married herself) indicates to me some deep-seated issues with his essential character. Even beyond his trustworthiness and honesty and even beyond how he feels about you individually, it sounds to me like he may be lacking in some basic empathy, loyalty, and respect. Unless he is undergoing serious therapy, I wouldn't trust this guy as far as i could throw him, frankly. Time certainly heals a lot of wounds, but I don't think it just magically makes someone a better person.
posted by scody at 3:38 PM on April 4, 2011 [15 favorites]
posted by scody at 3:38 PM on April 4, 2011 [15 favorites]
Well the fact that he's done it twice, over a period of a year, doesn't sound good to me. He'll probably cheat again. You still feel horrible after 6 months. Regardless of what wider implications this has about his character, I don't know if you can still have a viable romantic relationship with him.
posted by tel3path at 3:50 PM on April 4, 2011
posted by tel3path at 3:50 PM on April 4, 2011
There are plenty of people in the world who are stable and self-aware and capable of honest interactions with you. Go out in the world and look for them.
Don't ever be with somebody because you "can't imagine life without" him. That's not healthy, unless he's like the only person who knows how to operate your artificial pancreas or something. Every time I hear someone say that, what it actually means is "he's filled my life up with drama and I've grown dependent on it in lieu of actual emotions" and "I put in all this effort, I demand my payoff" which is not how life works.
Go be with somebody you don't WANT to imagine life without, someone who can show you respect.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:00 PM on April 4, 2011 [22 favorites]
Don't ever be with somebody because you "can't imagine life without" him. That's not healthy, unless he's like the only person who knows how to operate your artificial pancreas or something. Every time I hear someone say that, what it actually means is "he's filled my life up with drama and I've grown dependent on it in lieu of actual emotions" and "I put in all this effort, I demand my payoff" which is not how life works.
Go be with somebody you don't WANT to imagine life without, someone who can show you respect.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:00 PM on April 4, 2011 [22 favorites]
What did he do to deserve another chance? Apologizing and groveling doesn't count. He needs to prove he can be trusted, and the fact that you don't trust him means he hasn't done the work to prove it to you. It's not like you're not a trusting person - he got away with it for a year! So either he is some ninja-level cheater or you trusted him before.
Personally, I am slash-and-burn when it comes to cheating - you get one shot with me, then it's here's-your-stuff-call-your-lawyer time. But I respect that not everyone's that way, and if he does the work to regain your trust, he might deserve a second chance.
posted by desjardins at 4:13 PM on April 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
Personally, I am slash-and-burn when it comes to cheating - you get one shot with me, then it's here's-your-stuff-call-your-lawyer time. But I respect that not everyone's that way, and if he does the work to regain your trust, he might deserve a second chance.
posted by desjardins at 4:13 PM on April 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
FWIW, every cheater I've given a second chance (or a third chance, in one particularly ill-considered case) has eventually given me ample cause to regret it. In your position, I would jettison this dude as an act of preemptive self-preservation.
I think cheating requires a basic dishonesty, cowardice and selfishness to make possible the action of making a monogamous commitment and then breaking it in secret, at one's convenience, while continuing to enjoy the security of the partner who believes themselves to be in a committed relationship. It's an odious act. Cheaters don't take serious the people they claim to love, especially those who have demonstrated that they will put up with being walked all over and welcome the cheater back into their lives.
posted by EatTheWeek at 4:19 PM on April 4, 2011 [15 favorites]
I think cheating requires a basic dishonesty, cowardice and selfishness to make possible the action of making a monogamous commitment and then breaking it in secret, at one's convenience, while continuing to enjoy the security of the partner who believes themselves to be in a committed relationship. It's an odious act. Cheaters don't take serious the people they claim to love, especially those who have demonstrated that they will put up with being walked all over and welcome the cheater back into their lives.
posted by EatTheWeek at 4:19 PM on April 4, 2011 [15 favorites]
(oh, damn, clicked post too quick! Point is ....)
... So basically, you've got no reason to believe this fellow will take you any more serious than he did before. In fact, I'd expect him to respect you less and to violate your trust worse next time.
posted by EatTheWeek at 4:22 PM on April 4, 2011
... So basically, you've got no reason to believe this fellow will take you any more serious than he did before. In fact, I'd expect him to respect you less and to violate your trust worse next time.
posted by EatTheWeek at 4:22 PM on April 4, 2011
You didn't make a mistake. You have given him six months to earn back your trust and he obviously has not taken the actions you needed from him in order to begin to trust him. You gave him the second chance and he blew it. There are plenty of loyal, loving men out there that would be happy to commit to you. You will however probably carry trust issues to your next relationship since cheating and lying are such hugely fundamental building blocks of a relationship. Let the new person know and stay aware that the new person can't "pay" for your ex's cheating.
posted by saucysault at 4:33 PM on April 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 4:33 PM on April 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
Did you find out he cheated on you when you both knew that you guys were exclusive, or was this a case of you guys were dating, he was dating and sleeping around and you assumed you guys were exclusive?
If it was that you were being cheated on when he was supposedly committed, then dump him. Why subject yourself to the torture and anxiety?
posted by anniecat at 4:39 PM on April 4, 2011
If it was that you were being cheated on when he was supposedly committed, then dump him. Why subject yourself to the torture and anxiety?
posted by anniecat at 4:39 PM on April 4, 2011
You gain this experience by him giving you full and unconditional access to any information you need. You want to read his text messages? His email? His phone bills. No problem. You want to know where he is, right now, and who he's with? No problem. You want to read his IM, WOW and Gchat logs? No problem.
I see your point, but I feel that a good, solid relationship should never require routine, unannounced inspections to sustain itself.
posted by katillathehun at 4:56 PM on April 4, 2011
I see your point, but I feel that a good, solid relationship should never require routine, unannounced inspections to sustain itself.
posted by katillathehun at 4:56 PM on April 4, 2011
Lots of relationships make it through the infidelity phase. There are generally two reasons: first, the offending partner is either a force of nature, or does such mind boggling things that it's worth being around them, no matter what. I imagine Eleanor was like that around FDR. Unfortunately, since you don't mention any of these things that he might be doing, I don't think your boyfriend qualifies in this area.
Second,you yourself have such an interesting life, with so many options, that a mere infidelity on the part of the other is just a minor blip on your screen. You know that, if this person ever becomes a handicap, you can continue the rest of your life with a shrug of the shoulders (insert Liz Hurley, Madonna, etc., in these brackets). Again, unfortunately, you don't presently seem to be that sort of person.
Guys are not impressed by threats of fidelity: they are, however, very impressed by threats of abandonment.
Get rid of this guy, and give your life a makeover before you start looking again.
posted by alonsoquijano at 5:04 PM on April 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
Second,you yourself have such an interesting life, with so many options, that a mere infidelity on the part of the other is just a minor blip on your screen. You know that, if this person ever becomes a handicap, you can continue the rest of your life with a shrug of the shoulders (insert Liz Hurley, Madonna, etc., in these brackets). Again, unfortunately, you don't presently seem to be that sort of person.
Guys are not impressed by threats of fidelity: they are, however, very impressed by threats of abandonment.
Get rid of this guy, and give your life a makeover before you start looking again.
posted by alonsoquijano at 5:04 PM on April 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
katillathehun: "I see your point, but I feel that a good, solid relationship should never require routine, unannounced inspections to sustain itself."
No. But a good, solid relationship should not fall victim to infidelity. And this is not a good, solid relationship. If it was, the OP would not be posting.
Like the FAQ explains:
posted by DarlingBri at 5:12 PM on April 4, 2011
No. But a good, solid relationship should not fall victim to infidelity. And this is not a good, solid relationship. If it was, the OP would not be posting.
Like the FAQ explains:
A remorseful and committed WS (wandering spouse) will understand why this is needed and will provide this information for as long as needed. It is a violation of privacy. It emphasizes that they are not trusted. It is uncomfortable. It is necessary. The truly remorseful WS will realize that they will earn trust and privacy with the passage of time and their own consistent and trustworthy behavior.You have to build trust from somewhere.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:12 PM on April 4, 2011
Seems like he's asking you to take on a lot of extra work and anxiety (and perhaps financial expense, for counseling) to rebuild this trust, and in return he gets to assuage his guilt over being a flagrant cheater with the forgiveness of his faithful girlfriend. You're six months in and you aren't convinced this is a good deal. Listen to your instincts.
Did you make a mistake? Gosh, no. You gave yourself the chance to learn something. You took the compassionate course of action. That's always valuable. But that doesn't mean it works out. You're still quite free to tell him that it's not working for you and move on with a clear conscience.
Are you staying with him mostly because you recognize the core of the relationship is still good, or are you staying with him mostly because he seems in agony over his mistake and you want him to feel better and not be in pain (because you love/loved him, and that's what people do for someone they care about)? If the first, okay. Do the work. If the second, be careful if he's making everything about him - his pain, his guilt, because that's a bit controlling and immature and not nice, yes? Sure, you feel better as the angel who forgives, instead of the one who leaves. You want love to triumph. Sure. At least initially, this is good. But what about addressing the deep hurt he caused you? Has he done that? Or is it all about him, and if he's happy with you, you should be happy to have him?
You can live without him. Don't be afraid. Do what is best for you.
posted by griselda at 5:15 PM on April 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
Did you make a mistake? Gosh, no. You gave yourself the chance to learn something. You took the compassionate course of action. That's always valuable. But that doesn't mean it works out. You're still quite free to tell him that it's not working for you and move on with a clear conscience.
Are you staying with him mostly because you recognize the core of the relationship is still good, or are you staying with him mostly because he seems in agony over his mistake and you want him to feel better and not be in pain (because you love/loved him, and that's what people do for someone they care about)? If the first, okay. Do the work. If the second, be careful if he's making everything about him - his pain, his guilt, because that's a bit controlling and immature and not nice, yes? Sure, you feel better as the angel who forgives, instead of the one who leaves. You want love to triumph. Sure. At least initially, this is good. But what about addressing the deep hurt he caused you? Has he done that? Or is it all about him, and if he's happy with you, you should be happy to have him?
You can live without him. Don't be afraid. Do what is best for you.
posted by griselda at 5:15 PM on April 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
From experience here... there is a good reason that saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater" exists. I didn't subscribe to it myself myself for many many years. I was wrong.
I hate that your gut is still nagging you. He may not have cheated since relocating, but I still think your gut is telling you a fundamental required change in this fellow has NOT occurred.
Don't ever go against your gut. It's never worth it.
posted by jbenben at 5:31 PM on April 4, 2011
I hate that your gut is still nagging you. He may not have cheated since relocating, but I still think your gut is telling you a fundamental required change in this fellow has NOT occurred.
Don't ever go against your gut. It's never worth it.
posted by jbenben at 5:31 PM on April 4, 2011
I cannot figure out why you should trust him at all.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:59 PM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:59 PM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
The most important thing in any relationship is trust. He has already proved that he doesn't respect you enough to behave in a trustworthy manner. You deserve better. You deserve a life where you are not always wondering what your partner is doing.
And what is he doing to regain your trust, anyway? It's not your responsibility to learn to trust him again; it's his responsibility to prove he's worthy of your trust. I didn't see anything in your post that indicated he is doing anything to repair the relationship.
Do yourself a favor-turn him loose so that you are free to find a partner who is worthy of your love.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:17 PM on April 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
And what is he doing to regain your trust, anyway? It's not your responsibility to learn to trust him again; it's his responsibility to prove he's worthy of your trust. I didn't see anything in your post that indicated he is doing anything to repair the relationship.
Do yourself a favor-turn him loose so that you are free to find a partner who is worthy of your love.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:17 PM on April 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
I think you need to ask yourself what the reasons were that you forgave him and agreed to take him back, and understand better your awareness of the situation in full before you can decide what you need to do. No one on metafilter can TELL you what is right or wrong for your situation, but when I was in a similar situation, writing these questions down and forcing myself to answer them, with the help of a few good friends (and some wine!) really helped:
Did you truly believe he has changed?
Did he regret his actions and despise the way he made you feel?
Do you both understand the underlying reasons for his infidelity, or are you still in a state of wondering about it?
Does he understand the triggers that led to his behaviour and want to make the steps to curb these at the start when he feels like straying?
Does he understand why he did it (need to attention/validation/just likes it)?
Do you feel that he is intrinsically a trustworthy person who slipped up, or do you think he was aware of his transgressions and did it anyway without a care for your feelings?
Is it that you want to believe that someone who loves you "so much" couldn't possibly do this to you again?
Do you want to believe that he has or will change?
Do you feel afraid of the possibility you will never find love again?
Are you fearful of the alternative of single life?
Do you think you are worth being treated with respect and honesty?
Does he?
Has he agreed to change in order to keep you, or because he no longer wants to be that person? Is the person you want to be with in the long term, an honest, ethical and caring person?
Is that the person he wants to be?
Do you have a shared vision of what your long term future is?
Do you both see that shared vision as being monogamous?
What are his thoughts on marriage and its monogamy?
How do you want to feel in a relationship as far as trust and security are concerned?
How can both of you work to make that happen?
I hope these help. They really helped me and made me come to the ultimate decision that i wasn't in a HEALTHY, MATURE, TRUSTING relationship, but in a co-dependent, immature one that was based on control, distrust and insecurity. These factors somehow were making us cling HARDER to one another, rather illogically.
There's also my ultimate gauge for relationships now:
Does this relationship make me feel crazy?
If so, get out.
posted by shazzam! at 10:40 PM on April 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
Did you truly believe he has changed?
Did he regret his actions and despise the way he made you feel?
Do you both understand the underlying reasons for his infidelity, or are you still in a state of wondering about it?
Does he understand the triggers that led to his behaviour and want to make the steps to curb these at the start when he feels like straying?
Does he understand why he did it (need to attention/validation/just likes it)?
Do you feel that he is intrinsically a trustworthy person who slipped up, or do you think he was aware of his transgressions and did it anyway without a care for your feelings?
Is it that you want to believe that someone who loves you "so much" couldn't possibly do this to you again?
Do you want to believe that he has or will change?
Do you feel afraid of the possibility you will never find love again?
Are you fearful of the alternative of single life?
Do you think you are worth being treated with respect and honesty?
Does he?
Has he agreed to change in order to keep you, or because he no longer wants to be that person? Is the person you want to be with in the long term, an honest, ethical and caring person?
Is that the person he wants to be?
Do you have a shared vision of what your long term future is?
Do you both see that shared vision as being monogamous?
What are his thoughts on marriage and its monogamy?
How do you want to feel in a relationship as far as trust and security are concerned?
How can both of you work to make that happen?
I hope these help. They really helped me and made me come to the ultimate decision that i wasn't in a HEALTHY, MATURE, TRUSTING relationship, but in a co-dependent, immature one that was based on control, distrust and insecurity. These factors somehow were making us cling HARDER to one another, rather illogically.
There's also my ultimate gauge for relationships now:
Does this relationship make me feel crazy?
If so, get out.
posted by shazzam! at 10:40 PM on April 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
I don't think that framing this as "did I make a mistake in taking him back" is helpful; it somehow makes this all your fault, when that's pretty clearly not the case. So, no, you didn't make a mistake; I'm sure there are couples out there that could make this situation work. But you can't. You can't trust him, and your question doesn't suggest that anything is in motion to change this state of affairs. There was no way for you to know that you would feel this way without giving it a try, but now you have, and now you know. A relationship without trust is not good for anyone in it. So I would consider leaving this relationship, but think of that as a decision you're making about the state of your relationship now, not as a referendum on a decision you've already made.
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:57 AM on April 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:57 AM on April 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
There's nothing wrong with you for wanting to trust him again and trying to stay with him. It's natural to want to stay with the person who love.
However, I don't think this guy is trustworthy. As an outside eye, with no emotional investment in the matter, I think you should leave. I highly doubt he is ever going to stop cheating and I wouldn't be surprised if he was cheating now. My recommendation would be to run before you end up with an STD.
posted by parakeetdog at 11:28 AM on April 5, 2011
However, I don't think this guy is trustworthy. As an outside eye, with no emotional investment in the matter, I think you should leave. I highly doubt he is ever going to stop cheating and I wouldn't be surprised if he was cheating now. My recommendation would be to run before you end up with an STD.
posted by parakeetdog at 11:28 AM on April 5, 2011
You have to decide what you want- do you want to be with him or are you done because it has been 6 months and you still feel terrible? Either answer is valid.
If you want to be with him, then you have to talk to him and tell him you need more from him to be able to trust him again. I don't know what this would be in your case, maybe sharing email passwords or something. Another thing you could ask for is a bigger commitment like a plan to move in/get married if those are still the things you want.
If you feel like you will always be suspicious and that he won't change to make you trust him more, that is ok too. You have given it a fair shot. Personally, I would not be able to get over that level of cheating either.
I don't think you made a mistake- you wanted to see how things played out and this is where you are now. No time has been wasted, you were or are still figuring out your side of this.
No one will judge you for making either choice as long as you are doing what you want.
posted by rmless at 11:58 AM on April 5, 2011
If you want to be with him, then you have to talk to him and tell him you need more from him to be able to trust him again. I don't know what this would be in your case, maybe sharing email passwords or something. Another thing you could ask for is a bigger commitment like a plan to move in/get married if those are still the things you want.
If you feel like you will always be suspicious and that he won't change to make you trust him more, that is ok too. You have given it a fair shot. Personally, I would not be able to get over that level of cheating either.
I don't think you made a mistake- you wanted to see how things played out and this is where you are now. No time has been wasted, you were or are still figuring out your side of this.
No one will judge you for making either choice as long as you are doing what you want.
posted by rmless at 11:58 AM on April 5, 2011
Although I haven't been in your situation, trust for me can only possibly be regained if the person can, in a satisfactory way:
- explain their actions and what led to their behavior
- understand and articulate how their behavior impacted me(show empathy)
- explain how/why they would not behave in the same manner again
You will get a clear sense of people's true nature by how they answer these questions. For example, extreme black and white responses, may indicate the person can not truly deal with their own behavior or underlying emotions, or something like that-(just a made up illustration)
For me you can only really trust people in so far as they have an understanding of themselves.
posted by abirdinthehand at 5:10 PM on April 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
- explain their actions and what led to their behavior
- understand and articulate how their behavior impacted me(show empathy)
- explain how/why they would not behave in the same manner again
You will get a clear sense of people's true nature by how they answer these questions. For example, extreme black and white responses, may indicate the person can not truly deal with their own behavior or underlying emotions, or something like that-(just a made up illustration)
For me you can only really trust people in so far as they have an understanding of themselves.
posted by abirdinthehand at 5:10 PM on April 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
To me, the thing you have to ask yourself are what are the chances that circumstances will never again arise to put cheater back into a cheating frame of mind?
So if their excuse is that they were drunk and stupid, what are the chances that they will never get drunk again, or that their IQ will improve? If their excuse is that they had a low self-image and needed an ego boost, was are the chances that their ego will now be ironclad forever? If their excuse is that the other person relentlessly seduced them, what are the chances that no one will ever again flirt with them? If their excuse is that you weren't paying enough attention to them, what are the chances that you will never become busy or distracted again? If their excuse is that it was someone from their past, and they needed closure, how many past relationships or crushes remain that may require closure? Two? Ten? 84? If their excuse is that they are a selfish asshole, what are the chances that their personality will fundamentally change? Maybe they were just bored? Any chance of that ever happening again?
What is the thing that was important enough for them to be willing to betray you and hurt you (and put your health at risk)? It must be pretty important, right? Could something that important ever, ever happen again, or was it a once-in-a-lifetime incredibly important thing?
/voice of experience
posted by taz at 1:19 AM on April 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
So if their excuse is that they were drunk and stupid, what are the chances that they will never get drunk again, or that their IQ will improve? If their excuse is that they had a low self-image and needed an ego boost, was are the chances that their ego will now be ironclad forever? If their excuse is that the other person relentlessly seduced them, what are the chances that no one will ever again flirt with them? If their excuse is that you weren't paying enough attention to them, what are the chances that you will never become busy or distracted again? If their excuse is that it was someone from their past, and they needed closure, how many past relationships or crushes remain that may require closure? Two? Ten? 84? If their excuse is that they are a selfish asshole, what are the chances that their personality will fundamentally change? Maybe they were just bored? Any chance of that ever happening again?
What is the thing that was important enough for them to be willing to betray you and hurt you (and put your health at risk)? It must be pretty important, right? Could something that important ever, ever happen again, or was it a once-in-a-lifetime incredibly important thing?
/voice of experience
posted by taz at 1:19 AM on April 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't know what you 'should' do, but I know the questions you need to ask: 1) why did he cheat; 2) why is that situation no longer applicable? This is something he should be able to answer. Have you asked? (That is unclear). Simply being in love is not the same as actually doing something to fix a problem.
Personally speaking, a lot of people would say that they cannot 'forgive' or 'trust', or (going in the other direction) that they 'need' or 'depend' on the other. Neither is really something that can provide a reliable answer-- either needing or being afraid to forgive/trust. Both are knee-jerk responses. You need to think about this rationally. With your partner. As in, in an honest conversation that doesn't involve accusation, crying, avoidance, guilt-trips, or any of that, if possible. Just talk honestly about what you want in a relationship, what he/you weren't getting, what you're pledging to provide, why he/you are ready, what steps you'll take-- specific, tangible steps, like therapy or like making a commitment to talk to you if a 'dangerous situation' (attraction) arises again.
Trust is built on communication and honesty. You shouldn't have to wonder what he's doing: you should know. He shouldn't hide his issues, and neither should you: they should be out in the open.
I'm of the camp where I believe cheating isn't something that 'happens' out of thin air to people who're otherwise committed and in control of themselves. It doesn't mean you're 'not in love' if you cheat, but it does mean something about your level of self-control and commitment to a given relationship. It's a sign of stress, duplicity, fear, etc. Is he now dealing with that? Are you?
It's not really about circumstances not arising again; it's about managing/changing one's response to those circumstances, which requires conscious work. It's not about something amorphous like 'will-power' or 'love'. Getting over something like this requires active, conscious work on the part of both partners.
Anyway, needing someone is a bad place to be in terms of reasons to sustain a relationship, or, healthy reasons. If your partner knows that, it may lead to things like taking you for granted, feeling smothered, etc: in other words, they have the power, and that's not ok. I agree that a large part of trust for me (as for abirdinthehand) would be if the person fully understood their motivations and could explain why this wouldn't be an issue, but not every decision is 100% conscious. Therefore, I'd need to see a plan for self-improvement and growth, and I'd need to see daily signs of their improvement in some small way. Even then-- I would hold off on any commitment until trust is regained. You don't have to leave, but you're well within your rights to have them be on probation, emotionally, and make that clear: he needs to fight for you, to make an extra effort. He needs to prove to you why you should keep him. If not, default is probably to leave.
posted by reenka at 9:01 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Personally speaking, a lot of people would say that they cannot 'forgive' or 'trust', or (going in the other direction) that they 'need' or 'depend' on the other. Neither is really something that can provide a reliable answer-- either needing or being afraid to forgive/trust. Both are knee-jerk responses. You need to think about this rationally. With your partner. As in, in an honest conversation that doesn't involve accusation, crying, avoidance, guilt-trips, or any of that, if possible. Just talk honestly about what you want in a relationship, what he/you weren't getting, what you're pledging to provide, why he/you are ready, what steps you'll take-- specific, tangible steps, like therapy or like making a commitment to talk to you if a 'dangerous situation' (attraction) arises again.
Trust is built on communication and honesty. You shouldn't have to wonder what he's doing: you should know. He shouldn't hide his issues, and neither should you: they should be out in the open.
I'm of the camp where I believe cheating isn't something that 'happens' out of thin air to people who're otherwise committed and in control of themselves. It doesn't mean you're 'not in love' if you cheat, but it does mean something about your level of self-control and commitment to a given relationship. It's a sign of stress, duplicity, fear, etc. Is he now dealing with that? Are you?
It's not really about circumstances not arising again; it's about managing/changing one's response to those circumstances, which requires conscious work. It's not about something amorphous like 'will-power' or 'love'. Getting over something like this requires active, conscious work on the part of both partners.
Anyway, needing someone is a bad place to be in terms of reasons to sustain a relationship, or, healthy reasons. If your partner knows that, it may lead to things like taking you for granted, feeling smothered, etc: in other words, they have the power, and that's not ok. I agree that a large part of trust for me (as for abirdinthehand) would be if the person fully understood their motivations and could explain why this wouldn't be an issue, but not every decision is 100% conscious. Therefore, I'd need to see a plan for self-improvement and growth, and I'd need to see daily signs of their improvement in some small way. Even then-- I would hold off on any commitment until trust is regained. You don't have to leave, but you're well within your rights to have them be on probation, emotionally, and make that clear: he needs to fight for you, to make an extra effort. He needs to prove to you why you should keep him. If not, default is probably to leave.
posted by reenka at 9:01 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by elpea at 3:09 PM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]