Loves me, wants him. (Friends with too many benefits)

April 12, 2007 2:07 PM

How do you move past loving someone who is no longer in love with you? (assuming time and space apart are difficult?) or deal with you love for them until they're ready for you?

As briefly as possible: I dated my housemate, and then a while later broke up with her due to a difficult period in my life, we still lived together and quickly became very close friends, but then moved into a 'very close friends with dating benefits'.

A year later we're still living together having moved house to a new place, and living as though we were in a committed relationship (opps, I forgot we'd broken up). She has gotten a new man in her life, however she still sleeps (sex)/sleeps (just that)/showers/shares/everything with me as though nothing was different. Because he is out of town it hadn't bothered me as I was sure when we were ready it would just happen again.

She's now told me that she still has feelings for me and loves me (as a 'very close' friend) but really likes this new guy (apparently the things we do together are just what very close friends do), and perhaps in the future we could try again.
I've now realised this is (possibly) just emotional manipulation from her to keep me around as her comfort person, since we share so much of our possessions and emotional support. The new guy lives across the country and they see each other on and off every few months, so she's not getting it from him. Given he is moving to our city in a few weeks to stay for a while I realise I cant stay in this 'relationship'.

How do I move on from this whilst still retaining respect for her, and for myself? Moving out of the house is difficult for numerous reasons, and I realise it's the best method but want some alternative advice for now.

What kind of conversations should I be having with her to find out her true feelings on this? (She avoids emotionally direct conversations as it makes her insecure, and I come off as dominating and too full on when I do try and express my feelings and intentions, and I also mince what I was going to say). Rationale for this question: I ask her how she feels about me and she says "I care about you deeply, and I still have feelings for you but I like Other_Guy", then later something completely the opposite will come out about how much she likes me. It seems everytime I ask her a question I leave escape clauses where she can say "but I want you to stay with me forever" etc etc.

Is she dragging this out hoping I wont pack my bags and leave?

Is hanging around for someone you truely love worth it? Or is the emotional destruction and torment going to leave me as damaged goods when (if ever) she says she does want me?

Anecdotal advice or experiences are appreciated. Hope this isn't too open ended and chatfilter.

posted by anonymous to human relations (19 comments total)

I don't think she wants him as much as she wants you. But she sounds manipulative and coy about what is really going on. I think you need to confront her and make her choose because you seem to be ready to continue this regardless of the other male.

I know that waiting is a very emotional thing and waiting rarely works. I do not recommend waiting.
posted by parmanparman at 2:22 PM on April 12, 2007

She avoids emotionally direct conversations...

Well, unfortunately, emotionally direct conversations are precisely what's called for in situations as complicated as this. It's a testament to her brilliance that she has been able to completely curtail them.

Insecurity can actually be used as a weapon, because it forces everyone to comply with one's own low standards of intercourse.

You are in love with an illusion. Peeling yourself away will suck-- think of it as exiting a cave after years in the dark. Adjustment takes time. But once you get your vision back and are out in the world for a while, you will be amazed that you were able to convince yourself that that dank cave was such a cozy place. If you think that moving out of the house will be "difficult", then you haven't taken an objective look at the situation you are already in.

A whole lot of people are about to tell you to flee, and provide detailed reasons why. Please take them to heart.
posted by hermitosis at 2:24 PM on April 12, 2007

Too often we expend countless amounts of energy trying to decipher what another person's motives or reasons for doing what they do. The bottom line is you'll never truly know. What you have is a situation that isn't working for you and you're not getting what you want. Is hanging around waiting worth it? Hell, no! My advice, take charge, state some boundaries, no sex, no sleeping together, friends with benefits crap. Respect yourself above all, because it really doesn't sound like she does. And you are worthy of more than being the door prize/ back up plan in case this other guy doesn't work out. But that's just me. Good luck.
posted by kelzabel at 2:26 PM on April 12, 2007

You don't have to move out of those house physically to move out of this house. In other words, spend time with your friends, go to cafes a lot more, go bowling on monday nights and book club on wednesday nights and volunteer with community groups on the weekend. Start a brand new life where she is not with you all the time. This is the first step.

She is likely not going to stop her behavior, because it is working for her. She gets all of the benefits of a relationship with none of the risk. Unforunately, it's a shitty situation for you.
posted by PercussivePaul at 2:26 PM on April 12, 2007

I am not a relationships expert. Use what's useful, ignore the rest.

First the personal take on the whole situation.

I'm probably going to get slated for saying this, but if she was a guy, having "close personal relations" with two women, chances are it wouldn't last. With either of them.

Personally speaking, unless we (me and the other person) specified up front that we have an open relationship, something like this would kill it in a matter of seconds. It seems to me like she's trying to have her cake and eat it too. Which is fine, but she's playing you for a fool.

Put it like this. Are you happy with the situation?

And now to answer your questions.

How do I move on from this whilst still retaining respect for her, and for myself?

No more sex. No more cuddles on the sofa in front of the TV. no more shopping together. In short, no more acting like a couple. Maybe, if you feel like it, find someone new. Though chances are she won't like it. Start being your own man, and doing your own things, that don't involve her. Go out to the cinema with your mates, but don't bring her along. Etc.

Is she dragging this out hoping I wont pack my bags and leave?

Yes. Possibly to the point where she will drop you like a hot stone when her other beau moves to the city, and she shacks up with him.

Is hanging around for someone you truely love worth it?

Only if there's a good chance that they'll reciprocate. You can spend ages wanting someone. That doesn't mean they want you in the slightest, nor will they ever. In this case, I'd have to say move on.

Been there, done that. I eventually had the person in question dancing on my heart. I'm not bitter. Really I'm not. :D

Or is the emotional destruction and torment going to leave me as damaged goods when (if ever) she says she does want me?

That's up to you. Yes, wanting what you can't have hurts. But it's possible to come through something like this absolutely fine. All you need to do is take logical charge of the situation, and start growing apart. Love yourself first, then try to love someone else. Hopefully, you'll find someone worth of your love. But I don't think that that someone is going to be Housemate.
posted by Solomon at 2:27 PM on April 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

Is hanging around for someone you truely love worth it?

Not if it's a lost cause. I truly loved my college boyfriend. TRULY. Really and truly. But my true love couldn't overcome the fact that he's gay. You need to redefine love in your mind. Love is not the feeling you get about someone; love is in the relationship that you have with a person. I cannot be in love with my gay ex-boyfriend, and you cannot be in love with your ex, either.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:28 PM on April 12, 2007 [3 favorites]

d00d, you are being pwnd with a cherry on top. she wants all the comforts of a boyfriend (ie. you) without actually investing emotionally in you. Not many close friends fuck each other. You're being used, flat out, and she's emotionally investing in this new guy for whatever reason - maybe she's just into the potential of new relationships, maybe the guy talks well, maybe she just likes chasing fantasies, whatever. It doesn't really matter why she's doing what she's doing. What matters is that you're being hosed and you're putting up with it. She knows exactly what she's doing and she wants her cake and eat it too.

Move out. Right now. Pack your things - couch surf if you have to - and get out. As long as you are there, you are going to pine for her and she knows it. Out. Now.
posted by Stynxno at 2:29 PM on April 12, 2007

Is she dragging this out hoping I wont pack my bags and leave?

Yes.

Get the idea out of your head that you need to find out why, and recognize that you deserve better than this, someone who really loves you would never behave this way, and all of those other cliches that, while they may be cliches, are nevertheless true.

Or you could keep letting her have her cake and eat you too. Whatever.
posted by MsMolly at 2:29 PM on April 12, 2007

living as though we were in a committed relationship...
she still sleeps (sex)/sleeps (just that)/showers/shares/everything with me

Most committed relationships have X.
We have X.
Correlation does not imply causation.
posted by yohko at 2:41 PM on April 12, 2007

Seconding MsMolly. You are being jerked around.

You cannot control what choices she makes. And she is not choosing, nor will she until she make a decision until she absolutely must.

You can control what choices you make. I suggest that you create very strong boundaries, and stop investing any further in the relationship (no intimacy, physical or otherwise). The only effort you should put into this is the willingness to have honest discussions.

And then the ball is in her court. If she wants to be with you, she will end the relationship with the other guy. If she wants to be with him, she needs to make that decision, move on, and leave you be.

It is possible--normal even--to be in a healthy relationship and to have periods of fear, doubt, and indecision. But both parties have to be committed to discussing and resolving them. As it stands, this isn't that relationship.

Take a breath. Let it go.
posted by Benjamin Nushmutt at 3:01 PM on April 12, 2007

It's unlikely that you'll be able to have a good, open, and honest conversation with her about her feelings, so long as they are conflicted or she is afraid of losing you or upsetting you or saying the wrong thing.

If you can't move out, do your best to create some other kind of separation. I don't mean shut her out, or stop being a friend -- but create your own space and your own daily life, end the physical relationship, and stick to it. The best way to find out how she really feels will be to see how she reacts when she can't have it both ways anymore -- when she can't tell you she wants to be with someone else, and still get to be with you, too.

And if she feels like you aren't coming on so strong anymore, she might even feel free to talk more openly, too.

Good luck, mate.
posted by mattpfeff at 3:11 PM on April 12, 2007

I'm sorry for you, because you are being used like a fire hydrant next to an inferno. As so many others have said, your relationships epitmomizes "having your cake and eating it too." Let me guess, the long-distance boyfriend doesn't know anything about what you two do, does he? You give her all the immediate physical boyfriend benefits while pretending that she's Miss Fran Faithful to him. Of course she wants you to stay. Of course she's going to tell you she cares. She's dangling just enough to make you stay.

Coping? While you're looking for a new place, draw boundaries. Go out with other friends and ditch her. Flirt with other girls. No more sex. No more cuddling. No more shopping. No more showers. Nothing. You guys are housemates, maybe cordial friends (though if I were you I would be pissed), and nothing more. Bring some women home and let that asshole know you're not her toy anymore.
posted by schroedinger at 3:25 PM on April 12, 2007

maybe she is in love/wants to be involved with both of you. in that case, it's up to you how you feel about it, and up to both of you to figure out how that could work in a practical sense. at the very least, you'd probably be justified to date others yourself, if you want to.

on the other hand, maybe rather than trying to keep you around she's trying to break up with you, but she's unwilling to stand firm on things she knows you don't want to hear (like that she doesn't love you and/or doesn't want to be together anymore), hoping that instead you will eventually get sick of it and spare her from being the bad guy.

the worst problem to me seems to be the not talking about it part. if that's not going to change then you probably just need to decide whether the current situation is worth it for you or not, and keep reevaluating that decision as things progress.
posted by lgyre at 4:42 PM on April 12, 2007

Just because you know about it doesn't change the fact that she is cheating on you. Not only you, but the other partner as well.

Why are you allowing her to use you in this way? It is your choice, you know. You deserve better than that.
posted by JujuB at 7:48 PM on April 12, 2007

Someone can see more than one person and not be cheating on anyone.

She is not in a committed relationship with you. If you need her to be, ask her if she wants that. If you are alright with her being with more than one person, ask her if she wants that with you while also seeing the other guy.

If this is what you want and she says yes, congratulations, you're a winner.

If this is what you want and she says no, move out. Soon. My condolences, and congratulations on your new life as a single. The world is your oyster bar.

If you do not want a committed relationship, I imagine you need to seriously ask yourself what's likely to happen if this other guy moves to town and how you would handle that.

Consider deeply what you feel and want. Don't resort to what you think you should want because of what you feel. Be prepared to be flexible, but be honest.

Most importantly - and this is important - she needs to hear you say it, and she needs to respond in kind. This doesn't have to be a pressure thing. Calm down and realize you're an intelligent adult talking about a very natural thing. If it still turns in to a pressure thing - if she won't just accept a relaxed space in which to talk candidly and openly about feelings, move out.

If she will engage, be prepared for whatever comes next. Feelings and desires, not goals and roles, are the subject matter here. You may have incompatible desires. This is painful, but also natural, and not the end of either the world or the relationship.

Advice is impossible until you both know how the other feels. Do not jump to conclusions, but do not let yourself be used. Relationships built on honesty can grow in many different directions over time, and they do move in and out of forms of intimacy.

But relationships built on a string of frayed one-sided hope are poisonous.

Honesty.
posted by poweredbybeard at 11:20 PM on April 12, 2007

I was once in the role of your friend, and in the end I ended up truly hurting a friend whom I loved deeply (but was not in love with). I don't think there was anything that I could do to stop using him as long as he let me use him because he was so deeply in love with me. And yes, I know how selfish that sounds. What you need to do, and what she needs you to do is to stop being available to her on any level more than a friend. Although it's great to share sex and all the other great parts of a romantic relationship with her, it's way too easy to convince yourself that the relationship will naturally return to a committed, romantic state. You are fooling yourself, though. Your friend wants you to be the safety line until she finds a "real" relationship. You are simply a means to an end to her. All I ever wanted my friend to do was to draw the line, but as long as I was getting that security from him, I wasn't going to draw it myself. Although it's going to suck BIG TIME to close the door on that part of your relationship, it will hurt much MUCH more if you wait for her to do it.
posted by messylissa at 11:31 PM on April 12, 2007

I recently got out of a verrrrry similar situation, and it really was a case of her wanting to have her cake and eat it too.

Nthing the suggestions that you find your own life and DEFINITELY need to stop being "couple-y" with her. She will soon learn. Based on my experience, she may well get angry at you when you stop doing the things she has come to expect from you, but remember that you do NOT owe her anything.

... And for the love of Jebus, please try and maintain some dignity! Treat yourself with the respect you deserve and be realistic: while you love her, she does not love you, and you DO deserve better than that. Life is too short, don't waste your time.

In short: no more cooking/shopping for two.
No more joint plans (if avoidable).
No more calls to say you'll be late home.
No more D&M's.
Definitely no more seeing each other naked!!

In short, she is your housemate. Treat her as such, and demand the same respect. It will be better for both of your self esteems.

Good luck. You WILL be okay.
posted by indienial at 12:56 AM on April 13, 2007

How do I move on from this whilst still retaining respect for her, and for myself?

You can't. You can either move on, or stay trapped, but there's no way to stop her from taking advantage of you and still put a happy face on the whole story. I've stayed in bad relationships because I couldn't face the ugly truth about what had really happened. It's always the wrong thing to do.

Please listen to everyone who's saying that you're being used. You're probably hoping that this can somehow be resolved without facing the facts: you've been willingly devoting yourself to someone who's hurting you. That hope is exactly what's keeping you in this bad situation.

You can't escape without actually getting angry about the way she's treating you. You deserve better. There's no way to move on without losing respect for the way she treats you, and for the way you signed up for it.

You need to make a clean break from the entire relationship. Don't try to remain friends. If she's able to have a genuine friendly relationship with you, that will only be possible once you show her you're not going to take that shit, and you've had at least 6 months of not contacting her at all. I know that's hard to swallow. People said it to me and I didn't believe them, but they were right.

It's going to hurt a lot at first. She will probably find a way to make you feel really bad about not being willing to be her doormat anymore. That pain might drive you back to some kind of compromise solution where she gets to take advantage of you some more. If you really want to respect yourself, you can't let that happen.

Don't let your fear keep you emprisoned. Once you're free you'll be able to respect the fact that you woke up and took control of your life. It hurts, but it gets better with time. Good luck, I wish you the strength and clarity to stand up for yourself.
posted by fuzz at 4:29 AM on April 13, 2007 [2 favorites]

Be a man. Move out. If you can maintain a friendship, fine. If not, that's fine too.
posted by electroboy at 10:53 AM on April 13, 2007