How to help friend pick up her life after losing her spouse
February 9, 2011 3:14 AM Subscribe
How can I help a friend who has lost her spouse at a very young age get on with life? A dear friend passed away in august last year after a long sickbed. He was only 32, and leaves behind his girlfriend, who is just 23. I'm worried about her.
She is studying to be a doctor and has taken a leave of absence from her studies since april to take care of her boyfriend. The university is understanding of her situation - she can pick up her studies when she feels she's ready. I can only imagine the grief of losing ones partner. I want to support her in her mourning, and try to be there for her as much as possible even though I just moved to another city.
What I'm worried about is her not getting back to her studies.
She is living alone with her dog. She sees friends in the evenings, but spends most of her days alone around the house. She goes to bed late and sleeps in. She seems to be doing ok in the sense that she does go out, see people, exercises. She talks about her grief, and does see some sort of counselor every now and then (not a psychologist or psychiatrist).
She is living on student loans, so her debt is increasing every month.
Am I wrong in thinking she is taking too long to get back to her education? From experience I know that sitting alone at home is not helpful for ones general well being.
How can I encourage her to pick up her studies, or if that's too hard, perhaps get a job to get out of the house?
Or is it still too early and should I let her find out when she feels ready?
She is studying to be a doctor and has taken a leave of absence from her studies since april to take care of her boyfriend. The university is understanding of her situation - she can pick up her studies when she feels she's ready. I can only imagine the grief of losing ones partner. I want to support her in her mourning, and try to be there for her as much as possible even though I just moved to another city.
What I'm worried about is her not getting back to her studies.
She is living alone with her dog. She sees friends in the evenings, but spends most of her days alone around the house. She goes to bed late and sleeps in. She seems to be doing ok in the sense that she does go out, see people, exercises. She talks about her grief, and does see some sort of counselor every now and then (not a psychologist or psychiatrist).
She is living on student loans, so her debt is increasing every month.
Am I wrong in thinking she is taking too long to get back to her education? From experience I know that sitting alone at home is not helpful for ones general well being.
How can I encourage her to pick up her studies, or if that's too hard, perhaps get a job to get out of the house?
Or is it still too early and should I let her find out when she feels ready?
There are often only a certain few points in the year when you can rejoin any kind of educational course, so that might be something that stops her going back any time sooner. Perhaps, if it might be possible to do some kind of volunteering related to her medical career, you could suggest doing so as a way to encourage her to be around people for a greater part of the day?
posted by biffa at 3:46 AM on February 9, 2011
posted by biffa at 3:46 AM on February 9, 2011
From experience I know that sitting alone at home is not helpful for ones general well being.
You know that it's not helpful for YOUR general well being. People process things differently. Some people need to go into their cave to recover emotional strength and stability. Other people need to get out into the world. It sounds like she is the latter. And if she is seeing people in the evening, and talking about her grief, it sounds like she is doing amazingly well.
It's been less than six months. I would be surprised if she WERE ready to go back to her studies already. Give her more time. The living-off-loans thing is worrying, but if you can't help her financially, there's really nothing you can do about that. Maybe if you get a chance, push a little light paid work in her direction.
posted by lollusc at 4:23 AM on February 9, 2011 [8 favorites]
You know that it's not helpful for YOUR general well being. People process things differently. Some people need to go into their cave to recover emotional strength and stability. Other people need to get out into the world. It sounds like she is the latter. And if she is seeing people in the evening, and talking about her grief, it sounds like she is doing amazingly well.
It's been less than six months. I would be surprised if she WERE ready to go back to her studies already. Give her more time. The living-off-loans thing is worrying, but if you can't help her financially, there's really nothing you can do about that. Maybe if you get a chance, push a little light paid work in her direction.
posted by lollusc at 4:23 AM on February 9, 2011 [8 favorites]
Am I wrong in thinking she is taking too long to get back to her education?
Yes.
Just so you know, she has several YEARS of grief work ahead of her. Only she will know when she will be able to handle both that and the demands of a medical education.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:46 AM on February 9, 2011 [7 favorites]
Yes.
Just so you know, she has several YEARS of grief work ahead of her. Only she will know when she will be able to handle both that and the demands of a medical education.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:46 AM on February 9, 2011 [7 favorites]
It's only been about 6 months, right? I can't even imagine being able to see friends in the evening if my spouse (which is what he was to her, even if they weren't married) had passed away 6 months previously. Really. I would be consumed in grief. It sounds to me like she's doing really well, considering. She's young, so perhaps this is the first significant death she's had to deal with, and it was her spouse. She's seeing people, she's taking care of her dog and herself, and she's talking about her grief. She seems pretty mentally healthy to me.
Everyone deals with grief differently. Just let her know you're there for her and if she seems to be taking a serious downturn (stops going out, stops exercising, stops talking to her counselor), be strong for her.
posted by cooker girl at 4:59 AM on February 9, 2011
Everyone deals with grief differently. Just let her know you're there for her and if she seems to be taking a serious downturn (stops going out, stops exercising, stops talking to her counselor), be strong for her.
posted by cooker girl at 4:59 AM on February 9, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks for all the answers so far.
I do not expect her to just picks up her life as if nothing happened, and do realise she will be grieving for a long time.
My concern is her being on her own all day and not have a need to get out of bed in the morning. She mentions she has trouble getting up in the morning because she sees no reason to. Also she dreads the day because she has nothing to do.
This is why I think it may be a good idea if she finds a job/volunteer work/gets back to school to structure her day.
When I suggest these things to her however, she becomes vague.
I can see how starting with one of these things can be a giant hurdle for her. I guess I'm trying to find out here if she could use a gentle nod in this direction, or really leave it up to her.
(so far the consensus seems to be the latter).
posted by charles kaapjes at 5:13 AM on February 9, 2011
I do not expect her to just picks up her life as if nothing happened, and do realise she will be grieving for a long time.
My concern is her being on her own all day and not have a need to get out of bed in the morning. She mentions she has trouble getting up in the morning because she sees no reason to. Also she dreads the day because she has nothing to do.
This is why I think it may be a good idea if she finds a job/volunteer work/gets back to school to structure her day.
When I suggest these things to her however, she becomes vague.
I can see how starting with one of these things can be a giant hurdle for her. I guess I'm trying to find out here if she could use a gentle nod in this direction, or really leave it up to her.
(so far the consensus seems to be the latter).
posted by charles kaapjes at 5:13 AM on February 9, 2011
She mentions she has trouble getting up in the morning because she sees no reason to. Also she dreads the day because she has nothing to do.
Okay, that's a totally different situation. That sounds like she IS asking for advice or even practical help on filling her days. If she isn't ready for work or school yet, can you arrange some sort of regular activity to do with her in the mornings so she has something to get up for? Maybe you can go to the gym together, or go for a walk before work, or have a coffee break with her mid-morning, if you can leave your workplace and she is nearby? I have a friend who was suffering from really serious depression the last couple of years and she too could never find a reason to get up, and dreaded the day spent alone after she did get up. (She was off work/school due to the depression, but her husband was at work all day). We had a regular gym appointment before work three days a week, and did coffee at least two other mornings. If she didn't show, or made some weak-ass excuse, I'd know that was a warning sign to go over to her place and make sure she was okay.
posted by lollusc at 5:20 AM on February 9, 2011
Okay, that's a totally different situation. That sounds like she IS asking for advice or even practical help on filling her days. If she isn't ready for work or school yet, can you arrange some sort of regular activity to do with her in the mornings so she has something to get up for? Maybe you can go to the gym together, or go for a walk before work, or have a coffee break with her mid-morning, if you can leave your workplace and she is nearby? I have a friend who was suffering from really serious depression the last couple of years and she too could never find a reason to get up, and dreaded the day spent alone after she did get up. (She was off work/school due to the depression, but her husband was at work all day). We had a regular gym appointment before work three days a week, and did coffee at least two other mornings. If she didn't show, or made some weak-ass excuse, I'd know that was a warning sign to go over to her place and make sure she was okay.
posted by lollusc at 5:20 AM on February 9, 2011
Grief is a very personal thing, and nobody should judge how appropriate someone else's grieving is (barring outright personal harm). I agree, just be there for her, support her as best you can, and put all thoughts of "taking too long" out of your head. Grief is a process, it is not a "well, your 6 months are up, get back to normal life now" thing. What works for one person is not what is going to work for someone else, and I can tell you (as someone who lost three family members over the last three years) that the LAST thing you need when you are grieving is someone telling you you're doing it wrong. I know you are trying to be a good friend, so please listen to what people here are telling you, being a good friend here is respecting the fact that your friend has undergone a catastrophic loss that will likely affect her for her whole life to varying degrees, please just support her while respecting that she needs to find her own way through this, and it will take as long as it takes. If it had been six years, I would say you had a point, but it's been just barely six months.
posted by biscotti at 5:24 AM on February 9, 2011
posted by biscotti at 5:24 AM on February 9, 2011
She is living on student loans, so her debt is increasing every month.
In addition to being there for her to support her in a her grief, perhaps offer to help her financially if you can. Death is final & one can recover from it in a couple of years; but when you have money problems, your debts can destroy your future dreams.
posted by lahersedor at 5:32 AM on February 9, 2011
In addition to being there for her to support her in a her grief, perhaps offer to help her financially if you can. Death is final & one can recover from it in a couple of years; but when you have money problems, your debts can destroy your future dreams.
posted by lahersedor at 5:32 AM on February 9, 2011
Response by poster: Wait, I'm confused. Was your 32 year old friend who died married to the girl...or were they boyfriend/girlfriend?
They were in a relationship for 4 years. They always knew he was ill, but there was no clear prediction of the course the disease would run. The last year his condition deteriorated. They chose to do a risky medical procedure as a last resort. Unfortunately it didn't work out. In the end death was a relief for him. But I don't think this makes the grieving any less.
posted by charles kaapjes at 6:35 AM on February 9, 2011
They were in a relationship for 4 years. They always knew he was ill, but there was no clear prediction of the course the disease would run. The last year his condition deteriorated. They chose to do a risky medical procedure as a last resort. Unfortunately it didn't work out. In the end death was a relief for him. But I don't think this makes the grieving any less.
posted by charles kaapjes at 6:35 AM on February 9, 2011
She mentions she has trouble getting up in the morning because she sees no reason to. Also she dreads the day because she has nothing to do.
This is why I think it may be a good idea if she finds a job/volunteer work/gets back to school to structure her day.
When I suggest these things to her however, she becomes vague.
When she talks to you about her problems, you think she is coming to you for solutions. Or maybe you just feel compelled to offer them, because you think you see answers she doesn't.
Stop seeing it this way.
She is just speaking her mind, telling you what she's going through. She doesn't want you to point out solutions and help her fix things. She is just working these things out for herself, out loud. Let her keep doing this. Instead of offering solutions, offer support.
I respect what you're trying to do, but the reason you're running up against a brick wall with her is that you're not really paying attention to what she needs from you personally.
posted by hermitosis at 7:19 AM on February 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
This is why I think it may be a good idea if she finds a job/volunteer work/gets back to school to structure her day.
When I suggest these things to her however, she becomes vague.
When she talks to you about her problems, you think she is coming to you for solutions. Or maybe you just feel compelled to offer them, because you think you see answers she doesn't.
Stop seeing it this way.
She is just speaking her mind, telling you what she's going through. She doesn't want you to point out solutions and help her fix things. She is just working these things out for herself, out loud. Let her keep doing this. Instead of offering solutions, offer support.
I respect what you're trying to do, but the reason you're running up against a brick wall with her is that you're not really paying attention to what she needs from you personally.
posted by hermitosis at 7:19 AM on February 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
I was recently talking to my mother about her grief after my father's death. We lost my dad when he was forty-three, after seventeen years of marriage to my mother. I remember the early days--the first six months or so--acutely. My mom was a mess and very alone. But the grief continued for years. That was twenty years ago now, and she only started dating and really processing it for the last five or so. A large chunk of her life has been spent defining herself by this grief.
What my mother said was that she wished she had more help, and more people pushing her to more counseling. People stop offering help a few months after a death like this. And they might feel afraid to suggest that a person get out there and be part of the world again, but . . .
This friend of yours is incredibly young. She's already spent at least one year of her very young life caring for someone who was dying. She needs to be encouraged to be part of life again. She needs to be surrounded by her peers, and experiencing new things. What's more, living off student loans is a really, really untenable situation. Where are her parents in all of this? Her family? She probably also really needs more counseling. Of course, you can't force any of these things on her, but I really do think you should suggest it. Because otherwise, she might lost a very large part of her relatively brief life being defined by loss. And that's no way to live.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:11 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
What my mother said was that she wished she had more help, and more people pushing her to more counseling. People stop offering help a few months after a death like this. And they might feel afraid to suggest that a person get out there and be part of the world again, but . . .
This friend of yours is incredibly young. She's already spent at least one year of her very young life caring for someone who was dying. She needs to be encouraged to be part of life again. She needs to be surrounded by her peers, and experiencing new things. What's more, living off student loans is a really, really untenable situation. Where are her parents in all of this? Her family? She probably also really needs more counseling. Of course, you can't force any of these things on her, but I really do think you should suggest it. Because otherwise, she might lost a very large part of her relatively brief life being defined by loss. And that's no way to live.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:11 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
My sister and I lost our father this past August. My sister tried to go back to school in September, because it'd taken her over 10 years to take another shot at college after a miserable semester right out of high school, and she knew that my dad was worried that if she took time off, she'd never go back. It was a dangerously bad idea, and she was lucky to manage to get out of it with a blown shot at graduating Cum Laude the only permanent consequence.
You just never know when it's best to try and soldier through something, and when it'd just be banging one's head against a wall.
If you want to help your friend start engaging with the outside world again, maybe you could start with some things less intimidating than school/work/volunteering. Try making lunch dates with her, and encourage shared friends to do the same. Do you ever run or go to the gym before work? See if she wants to do it with you. Sign up for an after-work dodgeball league together. Maybe use a vacation day and plan a day of going to a museum followed by matinee theater. Even a daily IM session during your coffee break would help make her feel more engaged with the world outside.
I think what she could use is someone to walk beside her and hold her hand as she tries to rejoin society as opposed to someone just telling her what she should be doing.
posted by patnasty at 10:10 AM on February 9, 2011
You just never know when it's best to try and soldier through something, and when it'd just be banging one's head against a wall.
If you want to help your friend start engaging with the outside world again, maybe you could start with some things less intimidating than school/work/volunteering. Try making lunch dates with her, and encourage shared friends to do the same. Do you ever run or go to the gym before work? See if she wants to do it with you. Sign up for an after-work dodgeball league together. Maybe use a vacation day and plan a day of going to a museum followed by matinee theater. Even a daily IM session during your coffee break would help make her feel more engaged with the world outside.
I think what she could use is someone to walk beside her and hold her hand as she tries to rejoin society as opposed to someone just telling her what she should be doing.
posted by patnasty at 10:10 AM on February 9, 2011
Some of the best advice I ever got for dealing with the "no reason to get out of bed" feeling was "Get out of bed. If you have to go right back to bed, that's fine. But once you're up, you might as well take a shower. If you have to back to bed after that, that's fine. But if you don't, have some breakfast." And so on, and so forth. For me, the combination of having the directive to get out of bed, but the permission to go back to back to bed if it was not a day I could cope with made getting out of bed less of a hurdle.
One of the best things anyone ever did for me was say, "We're going for a walk today," on a beautiful, sunny day. And then she and another friend walked beside me, just letting me walk and drop in and out of their conversation as I wanted. They didn't push me to engage, beyond getting me out of the house.
What I needed specifically may not be what your friend needs, but in general, being gentle, being patient, and encouraging me to take small steps was helpful support that people offered me.
posted by EvaDestruction at 11:19 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
One of the best things anyone ever did for me was say, "We're going for a walk today," on a beautiful, sunny day. And then she and another friend walked beside me, just letting me walk and drop in and out of their conversation as I wanted. They didn't push me to engage, beyond getting me out of the house.
What I needed specifically may not be what your friend needs, but in general, being gentle, being patient, and encouraging me to take small steps was helpful support that people offered me.
posted by EvaDestruction at 11:19 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am so sorry that your friend lost her partner of four years. Since you say she is only 23, she's been in this partnership almost all of her adult life, too! It must be really tough for her.
It would be great for you and her other friends to spend time with her in this period of shock and loss. I second EvaDestruction in the "don't tell her to do things, insist that she join you in doing things" bit. Don't tell her to go for a bike ride; go with her on a bike ride. Bring dinner over to her house. Have a bunch of friends come for a cleaning party.
Other than that, just listen. If she wants specific advice, she'll ask for it. Medical school is really overwhelming, even for people who are not experiencing bereavement. It'll still be there when she is ready to get back to it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:55 AM on February 9, 2011
It would be great for you and her other friends to spend time with her in this period of shock and loss. I second EvaDestruction in the "don't tell her to do things, insist that she join you in doing things" bit. Don't tell her to go for a bike ride; go with her on a bike ride. Bring dinner over to her house. Have a bunch of friends come for a cleaning party.
Other than that, just listen. If she wants specific advice, she'll ask for it. Medical school is really overwhelming, even for people who are not experiencing bereavement. It'll still be there when she is ready to get back to it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:55 AM on February 9, 2011
Ask her.
"Is it too soonto ask you about your plans for med school? Should I be encouraging you to prepare to go back?"
Just asking those questions shows a great deal of concern, while folowing her lead on readiness. In and of itself, it's doing something.
posted by vitabellosi at 12:17 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Is it too soonto ask you about your plans for med school? Should I be encouraging you to prepare to go back?"
Just asking those questions shows a great deal of concern, while folowing her lead on readiness. In and of itself, it's doing something.
posted by vitabellosi at 12:17 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the feedback. Many good things are being said that I'll certainly take to heart.
And I would like to stress that I really don't deny my friend her grief. I try to be there for her as much as I can, just listening to whatever's on her heart.
What I'm worried about I guess, is whether the grief should be incapacitating her this long.
Without trying to sound insensitive:
I know six months isn't a long period of time for mourning, but there has to be a moment when you start taking responsibility for your life again and you get up in the morning and go to work/school and do the things you have to do because you have to do them, even when there is that dark cloud of grief constantly hanging over you.
As I have no idea if this is a reasonable expectation at this point, I ask the question here.
It's a really good suggestion to invite her to do things, but unfortunately there's a problem:
I recently moved to another city so mainly have contact with her over the phone. Also, almost all of her friends have jobs and can only be there for her on evenings and weekends. This is why I was thinking about encouraging her to get out of the house by either taking up her studies again or getting a job or doing volunteer work.
From the reactions I understand now that it's a really bad idea for her to start her studies again before she's ready.
posted by charles kaapjes at 1:27 PM on February 9, 2011
And I would like to stress that I really don't deny my friend her grief. I try to be there for her as much as I can, just listening to whatever's on her heart.
What I'm worried about I guess, is whether the grief should be incapacitating her this long.
Without trying to sound insensitive:
I know six months isn't a long period of time for mourning, but there has to be a moment when you start taking responsibility for your life again and you get up in the morning and go to work/school and do the things you have to do because you have to do them, even when there is that dark cloud of grief constantly hanging over you.
As I have no idea if this is a reasonable expectation at this point, I ask the question here.
It's a really good suggestion to invite her to do things, but unfortunately there's a problem:
I recently moved to another city so mainly have contact with her over the phone. Also, almost all of her friends have jobs and can only be there for her on evenings and weekends. This is why I was thinking about encouraging her to get out of the house by either taking up her studies again or getting a job or doing volunteer work.
From the reactions I understand now that it's a really bad idea for her to start her studies again before she's ready.
posted by charles kaapjes at 1:27 PM on February 9, 2011
There's no "should" with respect to how the grieving process goes. It sounds like you're concerned that the line between grieving and depression is blurring for your friend, which is understandable, but since she's seeing people, taking care of her dog (presumably, since you didn't express concerns that the dog is neglected), and talking to a counselor, it sounds like she has bulwarks against that becoming a severe and lasting problem.
It must be hard for you to be at a distance from someone who you know is grieving intensely and maybe to not feel like you're really doing something, or to be able to reassure yourself, by seeing her, that she's coping as best she can. If you're giving your friend space to talk about how she's doing, and not implying that she should or shouldn't be doing something different, you're doing a lot. And I don't think it's a bad thing to ask if she has thought about volunteering or taking up a hobby to give her something to do during the day, but honor the fact that she's vague about implementing those activities right now. It's not a rejection of you or your help, but only she knows what she has the ability to cope with right now. Planting seeds of ideas (particularly little things that don't require a lot of effort or commitment) can be helpful, but let her nurture them on her own. She'll act when she's ready.
As for reassuring yourself about how she's doing - are you in touch with your friends' friends who are in town? Do you have access to them for another perspective on how your friend is doing?
posted by EvaDestruction at 2:01 PM on February 9, 2011
It must be hard for you to be at a distance from someone who you know is grieving intensely and maybe to not feel like you're really doing something, or to be able to reassure yourself, by seeing her, that she's coping as best she can. If you're giving your friend space to talk about how she's doing, and not implying that she should or shouldn't be doing something different, you're doing a lot. And I don't think it's a bad thing to ask if she has thought about volunteering or taking up a hobby to give her something to do during the day, but honor the fact that she's vague about implementing those activities right now. It's not a rejection of you or your help, but only she knows what she has the ability to cope with right now. Planting seeds of ideas (particularly little things that don't require a lot of effort or commitment) can be helpful, but let her nurture them on her own. She'll act when she's ready.
As for reassuring yourself about how she's doing - are you in touch with your friends' friends who are in town? Do you have access to them for another perspective on how your friend is doing?
posted by EvaDestruction at 2:01 PM on February 9, 2011
I think your impulse is probably right, that it would help her to have something to do, a reason to get up, some people who are expecting to see her during the day. Volunteering sounds like a great idea.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:56 PM on February 9, 2011
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:56 PM on February 9, 2011
It's possible that she may want to do something other than continue her studies. She's likely to be viewing many things in her life differently than she used to, and might opt to follow a different path than that one.
posted by yohko at 10:35 AM on February 11, 2011
posted by yohko at 10:35 AM on February 11, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by melt away at 3:27 AM on February 9, 2011