I grew up. Help me prove it.
January 28, 2011 4:53 PM Subscribe
I'm going back to a job I hated, and want to get along better this time around. Seeking mind-hacks, specific behaviors, or little tasks that I can consciously do throughout the day- anything to make it feel like a new environment, and help me adjust my behavior.
I had a job for a few years that I didn't really like. The work itself was a pretty good fit, but I found the company standards frustratingly sloppy, and in general I felt negative and "stuck" a lot while I was there, and irritated with coworkers. In short, I was bit of a jerk- often for understandable reasons, but I should have been more positive and pleasant and I take full responsibility for that. I know other people were kind of sick of me, and I gradually drifted away from all the socializing that happened there.
I don't work there any more, and these days I feel like a happier, more positive, more easygoing person who's better at giving people the benefit of the doubt and caring more about people than "rightness".
I get asked back to that workplace occasionally on short projects, and whenever it happens, I fall into some of my old behavior patterns- I'm more quiet, critical, or cooly professional than I want to be, and I feel a bit like a sullen teenager. Sometimes I feel the same way hanging out with relatives, as though I'm stuck in my old behavior/dynamics and can't act like the real me. On the other hand, it feels fake to be really smiley and happy. I know there's a happy medium but I can't seem to find it. I've just been asked back for another short contract, and this time I'd like to come in feeling like it's a fresh start. One more complicating factor: I'm in a project-manager kind of position where part of my job is telling others what to do in a very fast-paced environment, so it's not an inherently friendly position.
Examples of the kind of tips I'm looking for:
Dress better than I used to when I worked there, so I feel more professional and project a more mature air.
Ask people about their weekends/hobbies/etc, and avoid talking about myself.
Listen to happy music on the way there to improve my mood.
Come early to spend a little social time before the real work starts.
Bring in a treat for the office, like cookies or donuts or something.
More?
I had a job for a few years that I didn't really like. The work itself was a pretty good fit, but I found the company standards frustratingly sloppy, and in general I felt negative and "stuck" a lot while I was there, and irritated with coworkers. In short, I was bit of a jerk- often for understandable reasons, but I should have been more positive and pleasant and I take full responsibility for that. I know other people were kind of sick of me, and I gradually drifted away from all the socializing that happened there.
I don't work there any more, and these days I feel like a happier, more positive, more easygoing person who's better at giving people the benefit of the doubt and caring more about people than "rightness".
I get asked back to that workplace occasionally on short projects, and whenever it happens, I fall into some of my old behavior patterns- I'm more quiet, critical, or cooly professional than I want to be, and I feel a bit like a sullen teenager. Sometimes I feel the same way hanging out with relatives, as though I'm stuck in my old behavior/dynamics and can't act like the real me. On the other hand, it feels fake to be really smiley and happy. I know there's a happy medium but I can't seem to find it. I've just been asked back for another short contract, and this time I'd like to come in feeling like it's a fresh start. One more complicating factor: I'm in a project-manager kind of position where part of my job is telling others what to do in a very fast-paced environment, so it's not an inherently friendly position.
Examples of the kind of tips I'm looking for:
Dress better than I used to when I worked there, so I feel more professional and project a more mature air.
Ask people about their weekends/hobbies/etc, and avoid talking about myself.
Listen to happy music on the way there to improve my mood.
Come early to spend a little social time before the real work starts.
Bring in a treat for the office, like cookies or donuts or something.
More?
I think all the ideas you listed are good, as long as it doesn't feel forced. I actually find that when I force myself to make conversation with co-workers, I get in a better mood and have a much better day.
But then sometimes I just don't feel like it. And I remind myself is to do my job and conduct myself professionally and really, that's it. Socialization and outside-work events are not a requirement- they're just not. So don't beat yourself up if sometimes you're just not in the mood.
posted by drjimmy11 at 6:05 PM on January 28, 2011
But then sometimes I just don't feel like it. And I remind myself is to do my job and conduct myself professionally and really, that's it. Socialization and outside-work events are not a requirement- they're just not. So don't beat yourself up if sometimes you're just not in the mood.
posted by drjimmy11 at 6:05 PM on January 28, 2011
Listen to happy music on the way there to improve my mood.
This works for me. I listen to crappy pop-dance music (think Pink, Ke$ha, Bruno Mars) on the way to work sometimes. It gets me in an upbeat, party mood, which people seem to like.
I also look for things to compliment people on - a good bit of work, a good idea, an effective contribution to a meeting. I also compliment on appearance quite a bit (hair, clothes, etc.), but I'm a woman in a woman-dominated workplace (like 85% women). It works for me in that setting, but YMMV.
I write a lot of nice notes,. My organization has a formal "thank you" program, but I write notes outside of that to people. If the organization doesn't have a formal thank you notes program, get some notecards and write them when people do something especially good (stay late to meet a deadline, take on responsibilities outside of their job description, help out a coworker - you get the idea). If there is a formal thank you program, use it.
Ask people about their weekends/hobbies/etc, and avoid talking about myself. Another very good idea. People like talking about themselves, and if you can find any interest at all in what they are doing, so much the better. I have a coworker that breeds and shows Corgis. That's not really my thing, but I find it impressive that she has the energy and drive to do that while also working a demanding full-time job.
tl;dr - people like to be appreciated. Do that consistently, authentically, and (when appropriate) tangibly, and you'll be liked and respected.
posted by jeoc at 6:28 PM on January 28, 2011
This works for me. I listen to crappy pop-dance music (think Pink, Ke$ha, Bruno Mars) on the way to work sometimes. It gets me in an upbeat, party mood, which people seem to like.
I also look for things to compliment people on - a good bit of work, a good idea, an effective contribution to a meeting. I also compliment on appearance quite a bit (hair, clothes, etc.), but I'm a woman in a woman-dominated workplace (like 85% women). It works for me in that setting, but YMMV.
I write a lot of nice notes,. My organization has a formal "thank you" program, but I write notes outside of that to people. If the organization doesn't have a formal thank you notes program, get some notecards and write them when people do something especially good (stay late to meet a deadline, take on responsibilities outside of their job description, help out a coworker - you get the idea). If there is a formal thank you program, use it.
Ask people about their weekends/hobbies/etc, and avoid talking about myself. Another very good idea. People like talking about themselves, and if you can find any interest at all in what they are doing, so much the better. I have a coworker that breeds and shows Corgis. That's not really my thing, but I find it impressive that she has the energy and drive to do that while also working a demanding full-time job.
tl;dr - people like to be appreciated. Do that consistently, authentically, and (when appropriate) tangibly, and you'll be liked and respected.
posted by jeoc at 6:28 PM on January 28, 2011
On the other hand, it feels fake to be really smiley and happy
Fake it until it feels real? It's possible to train yourself out of the behaviours that make you appear sullen, but it doesn't happen overnight. I think the things you listed are a good start. When one works in an office long enough, one generally picks up on how people like to communicate. Some people like the small talk first ("So, how are the kids? Here's some TPS reports.") and others prefer the small talk later. This sounds dumb, but when you really pay attention to the communication styles of others, and not just your own, you can figure out how to get the best work and best response from people. It sounds like you're on the way to learning about yourself though, and that's a good start.
A book on emotional intelligence for managers might also be something you're looking for. I took a course on being a resonant leader that used this book. Maybe there's a PMP that could provide mentoring for you too. Leadership is learned, it can't always be taught...it's a series of habits you develop, so don't worry if it takes time. At my old job there was a new project manager who got off on the wrong foot with all the web developers, but by the time I left five years later, he was one of my favourite PMs. You can be the PM you want to be! :-)
posted by Calzephyr at 6:38 PM on January 28, 2011
Fake it until it feels real? It's possible to train yourself out of the behaviours that make you appear sullen, but it doesn't happen overnight. I think the things you listed are a good start. When one works in an office long enough, one generally picks up on how people like to communicate. Some people like the small talk first ("So, how are the kids? Here's some TPS reports.") and others prefer the small talk later. This sounds dumb, but when you really pay attention to the communication styles of others, and not just your own, you can figure out how to get the best work and best response from people. It sounds like you're on the way to learning about yourself though, and that's a good start.
A book on emotional intelligence for managers might also be something you're looking for. I took a course on being a resonant leader that used this book. Maybe there's a PMP that could provide mentoring for you too. Leadership is learned, it can't always be taught...it's a series of habits you develop, so don't worry if it takes time. At my old job there was a new project manager who got off on the wrong foot with all the web developers, but by the time I left five years later, he was one of my favourite PMs. You can be the PM you want to be! :-)
posted by Calzephyr at 6:38 PM on January 28, 2011
Listen to audio book (or podcast or similar) on the way home from work. Start as soon as you leave the building. It will prevent you from slipping into a negative train of thought.
posted by leigh1 at 6:51 PM on January 28, 2011
posted by leigh1 at 6:51 PM on January 28, 2011
Drill deeper into "frustratingly sloppy." What is truly required for the business? Is it in the business's best interests (aka, more money/more satisfied customers/more productive employees) to be less sloppy?
What are the true impacts of this sloppiness, beyond your annoyance?
Can you make a business case for processes, tools, and workflow that emphasize getting the job done right the first time? Can you balance it with the need for agility (via "fast-paced environment")?
Can you take your negative feelings and make a positive outcome for the business and workplace?
Beyond that,
posted by Exonym at 6:52 PM on January 28, 2011
What are the true impacts of this sloppiness, beyond your annoyance?
Can you make a business case for processes, tools, and workflow that emphasize getting the job done right the first time? Can you balance it with the need for agility (via "fast-paced environment")?
Can you take your negative feelings and make a positive outcome for the business and workplace?
Beyond that,
- What tk and drjimmy11 said.
- Dress well (if tech, designer jeans, dress shirt, no tennis shoes.) You'll feel that you're mature and in touch with things, and this will impact how you interact with others.
- Rely on the Ben Franklin effect. As a workplace behavior/hack, in my life, this has proven to have the most potent effect in changing negative relationships into positive ones.
- Detach yourself from the obligation to have a social relationship outside of work -- allow it if you wish, but give yourself permission to draw a clear line between your worlds. Don't feel guilty saying no, and don't say no because you feel peeved.
posted by Exonym at 6:52 PM on January 28, 2011
"it feels fake to be really smiley and happy"
People assume that feeling happy leads to smiling but sometimes the opposite is true too.
So "faking it" by smiling can lead to genuine happiness, not only because of the effects described at that link but also because smiling will influence others to interact with you more positively, which then improves your own mood.
Start a positive feedback loop.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:11 AM on January 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
People assume that feeling happy leads to smiling but sometimes the opposite is true too.
So "faking it" by smiling can lead to genuine happiness, not only because of the effects described at that link but also because smiling will influence others to interact with you more positively, which then improves your own mood.
Start a positive feedback loop.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:11 AM on January 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
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Actively avoid embarrassing people, if you are in a project manager position--if someone is late and you need to follow up, always try to reach them personally either by walking by the person's desk, or via phone and email before cc'ing other people or trying to work around them.
I've worked with people are are prickly, which it sounds like you are, and there's nothing *wrong* with that. Just be polite, and people will appreciate you.
posted by tk at 5:42 PM on January 28, 2011